June 9th 2008

Bush
According to a panel of global experts at the Goldman Sachs conference, water shortage could be the biggest threat to world peace. After hearing that, Bush decided to declare war against Fiji.

A nude man in the middle of Alabama 79 who claimed to be President Bush was arrested by the police for being drunk. Police immediately realized the man was drunk because who on earth wants to be Bush nowadays.

Cars
General Motors may stop making Hummers, the company announced on Tuesday. How ironic that the Hummer is not going to have a happy ending.

Big Brown
Big Brown, a big favorite to win the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown, ended up in an inexplicable last place. The owner and jockey were baffled until they were told they saw Big Brown on a date with Jessica Simpson.

Big Brown finished in the last place at Belmont Stakes and couldn’t win the Triple Crown, what would have guaranteed its owner millions of dollars using Big Brown as a breeder. Maybe Big Brown’s last place is a way to tell the world it’s gay.

Cuba
Cuba has authorized sex-change operations and will offer them free for qualifying citizens, an official said Friday. The demand is huge; most men in Cuba dream of having huge boobs and use them as floaters to leave the Island.

McCain
Sen. John McCain will not attend President Bush’s fundraising dinner for congressional candidates to take place in June 18th. McCain’s campaign said they have nothing against the president, but McCain didn’t like what was on the menu: Lame Duck.

Presumptive Republican White House nominee John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a man in Mars, especially Bush.

John McCain extended an invitation to Obama to ride together to future debates to save energy. Obama immediately said yes; he knows that if McCain drives the car Obama won’t get pulled over by the cops every two minutes.

John McCain invited Obama to share a plane to travel to future events so they can both save money and energy. Maybe Hillary could be the drunken pilot.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a private meeting with no aides, just two chairs and water. According to rumors, Hillary spent most of the meeting begging Obama, not for the vice presidency, but to transform the water in wine.

According to the media, Hillary Clinton is trying to recover more than $11 million she loaned to her own campaign. Apparently, she already got a plan: she started talks with Crown Royal whiskey to be her spokeswoman.

Hillary Clinton threw a party Friday for all her staffers despite all her debt. Guests were mad when they found out that there was a $20,000 cover charge.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a private meeting with no aides, just two chairs and water. I hope that is not a sign of what our lives are going to be if they both get elected.

Jobs
Wall Street tumbled Friday, taking the Dow Jones industrials down nearly 400 points, after it was known that unemployment numbers were high. If they don’t want to lower the morale of the people they should release the unemployment numbers on Monday morning when everybody whishes they would not be working.