June 3rd 2008

Hillary
Bill Clinton hinted Monday that Hillary might concede soon. Apparently, the signs were clear; he stopped pretending he likes her.

Hillary Clinton might concede this Tuesday after primary-season ending contests in South Dakota and Montana. Her voters will show their support by wearing their pants low and showing their butt cracks, half-mast.

Barack Obama said Monday he has asked Democratic presidential rival Hillary Rodham Clinton for a meeting on her terms. Apparently, Hillary already arranged a meeting at a Motel in Memphis

Bill Clinton said Monday that this may be the last day he’d ever be involved in a campaign of this kind. But that won’t stop him from campaigning as the president of the Hooters’ fans club.

A bus company in New York City is offering $1 tickets to Washington, D.C. which is perfect for penniless Hillary who will continue traveling from New York to DC as a senator.

Terrorists
The European Union has developed a system of cameras and computer software designed to automatically foil terrorist threats on airplanes by detecting passenger’s behavior like excessive sweating, nervous touching of the face or standing near the cockpit. Unfortunately, every passenger in desperate need to go to the bathroom when it is occupied will be considered a suspect as well.

CIA
The CIA says that they are continuing to hunt for Osama Bin Laden. They were just quite busy digging up Rev. Wrights’s tapes.

Bush
President Bush said he enjoyed chest-bumping a cadet. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that well when he tried to chest-bump Cheney to celebrate the price of oil and deactivated Cheney's pacemaker.

Candies
According to a new study in the "Journal of Consumer Research,” men who look at or touch bras and bikinis get an intense desire to reward themselves with candies. No wonder Ryan Seacrest is so skinny.

According to a new study in the "Journal of Consumer Research,” men who look at or touch bras and bikinis get an intense desire to reward themselves with candies. No wonder diabetes is so common among men.

DUI
A 17-year-old girl in Long Island told the cops she flunked a breathalyzer test because she kissed a boy that was drunk. Cops were not interested in the story, especially because she said she kissed a boy and not another girl.

Ellen
Ellen DeGeneres asked Laura and Jenna Bush if she and her girlfriend could marry in Bush’s ranch in Crawford Texas. Apparently, the ranch was already booked for another lesbian wedding: Cheney’s daughter.