June 2nd 2008

Obama
The Obama campaign has released a summary of the candidate’s medical records and he’s in excellent health. Doctors only pointed out that Obama cannot eat peanuts, not because he’s allergic, the problem is that the peanuts would fall through the stigmata’s in his hands.

Hillary
On her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota, Hillary Clinton drunk whiskey again with some of the reporters on the plane. I don’t want to say she’s got a problem with alcohol, but even the pilots of the plane asked her to slow down.

Hillary Clinton was photographed again drinking on a plane on her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota. Some people see this as a sign that she might concede soon; apparently, she is drinking now because she doesn’t need to be awake at 3 am in the morning anymore.

Hillary Clinton was photographed again drinking on a plane on her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota. Apparently, she misunderstood her advisors; the ones that are supposed to be drunk are the voters, so they would vote for her.

McClellan
Some Republicans are saying that former press secretary Scott McClellan shouldn’t have slammed the Bush administration and bitten the hand the fed him. And judging by McClellan’s appearance, that hand fed him pretty well.

Rice
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met with the members of the band KISS in the capital of Sweden. Apparently, she was trying to recruit the KISS army to fight in Iraq.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met with the members of the band KISS in the capital of Sweden. Gene Simmons was quite frustrated, he’s always bragged about all the women he’s seduced, but no matter how hard he tried, Rice didn’t seem interested at all.

Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken has artificially inseminated a friend and is going to be a daddy. Apparently, to get aroused in the room, Aiken didn’t use magazines, just the movie “Sex in the City.”

Steroids
A new documentary called "Bigger, Stronger, Faster" takes an intensive look at the world of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. Hopefully, at the premiere of the movie I don’t have to seat behind any of the athletes that took steroids, because those giant heads wouldn’t let me see a thing.

Susan Sarandon
Susan Sarandon said she’d leave the country and move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. In other news, Bob and Doug McKenzie said that they would leave the country if McCain gets elected president because they wouldn’t like to live with Susan Sarandon.

E-mail
Research shows that 20% of Americans have never used e-mail. Those are the ones that were told only by their wives that they are not well endowed.

Fire
A fire at Universal Studios has destroyed a set from "Back to the Future," which is not a big deal because I don’t think Michael J. Fox is interested in going to the future anymore.

A fire at Universal Studios has destroyed a video vault containing more than 40,000 videos and reels. Unfortunately, none of the Paris Hilton movies were affected by the fire.

A large fire raged on a back lot at Universal Studios on Sunday proving the theory that Hollywood is full of flames.

Mars
NASA scientists said yesterday that they’ve found a large patch of ice just below the Martian surface, a step towards finding evidence of life. Apparently, Martians surface the ice whenever they want to play hockey.