August 14th 2008

Michael Phelps
Ratings for the Olympic Games are through the roof. NBC is so happy, they are thinking of replacing both Conan and Leno with a 2-hour 'Michael Phelps Show.'

Michael Phelps revealed yesterday that what he does all day is eat 12,000 calories a day, sleep and swim. Just like his namesake Michael Moore, but with the swimming.

Michael Phelps revealed yesterday that he eats 12,000 calories a day or the equivalent of a breakfast burrito.

China
Chinese officials say that weather's to blame for poor Olympic attendance. I blame the fact that tourists cannot watch porn due to internet censorship.

Russia
Russia declared a cease -of fire in Georgia and said they are ready to leave the country. Things don’t look good for Georgia though, because after the cease-of fire agreement Putin also said "Mission Accomplished…"

Cuba
Former Cuban president Fidel Castro celebrated his 82nd birthday on Wednesday. Unfortunately, it was hard to see during the celebrations because all the candles Cuba uses to light up the country ended up on Castros’ cake.

McCain
Cindy McCain checked into a Detroit-area hospital after complaining of pain in her hand. The doctor advised her to shake and not to slap her husband every time he falls asleep during a speech or says something stupid like getting his wife to compete in a topples pageant.

White
According to the Census Bureau, White people will no longer make up a majority of Americans by 2042. I don’t want to say John Edwards is an opportunist, but in a new statement he now says he cheated on his wife to save the White race.

Old
A recent survey from the University of Chicago revealed that an increasing number of Americans aged 75-85 are still interested in sex. Eeew I don’t want to think of my presidential candidate having sex.

Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh said during one of his radio shows that Edwards was like Bill Clinton because he likes women that use their mouths for something else than talking. If that’s true, Edwards likes women who use their mouths to eat a lot.

Gas
Members of the "Prayer at the Pump" movement took credit Wednesday for the reduction in price of gas claming that God has heard their prayers. Actually, the reason the price of gas went down is that God just got a great deal on a new Hummer.

Market
In what might be considered a new low for the housing market, a home in Detroit, Mich. sold for $1, and the dollar was just for the earplugs to muffle the gunshots.

Bigfoot
Two Bigfoot hunters claim they have the body of bigfoot and plan to release a photo and what they claim is DNA evidence at a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday. You’ll notice who was in charge of obtaining the DNA evidence right away by the cuts and scratches all over his body.

Mexico
Authorities report that kidnappings of Americans are skyrocketing in Mexico. People are quite skeptical though, because the phone calls for ransom are from people with excellent English asking their wives for money.