January 13th 2009

Roland Burris
US Senate officials on Monday finally approved Roland Burris to fill the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. Apparently, Burris’ check cleared Monday morning.

Old Lady
A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. “I would contact her but I’m not a cradle snatcher,” said Larry King.

A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. Today Ashton Kutcher went crazy trying to find her e-mail.

A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. Apparently, she is looking for someone that, after they get married, would romantically lift her in his arms and place her in her coffin.

In the News
Researchers have found that people who are considered boring may live longer and happier lives than people who aren't. I guess Al Gore can run for president in 2050.

According to federal and industry data, two consecutive years have passed without a single airline passenger death in a U.S. carrier crash. Apparently, the study doesn’t take into consideration those people that commit suicide after they have such atrocious experiences on their flights.

The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. Apparently, the only fit people left to recruit were gay.

Obama’s Dog
Barack Obama is going to adopt a dog and has narrowed down his choices to a Portuguese water dog and a Labradoodle. The Labradoodle seems to be the favorite, but just because it paid Blagojevich.

Barack Obama is going to adopt a dog and has narrowed down his choices to a Portuguese water dog and a Labradoodle. Whichever he chooses, Al Sharpton wants to make amends with Obama and has offered himself to neuter the dog.

Celebrities
This year’s Golden Globes Awards ceremony was attended by more celebrities than previous years. Apparently, most of them were scammed by Bernie Madoff and they wouldn’t pass a chance to dine for free.

I finally understood why they are called the Golden Globes… I just saw a picture of Salma Hayek.

Howie Mandel was hospitalized in Toronto last night for an irregular heartbeat. Apparently, he became agitated when he heard Blagojevich was going to replace him as a host of Deal or no Deal.

Bush
President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night. The networks are already fighting about it. ABC wants to call it “Lost,” and NBC, “The Biggest Looser.”

President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night. Apparently, he didn’t want to leave office without a last present for comedians.

President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night and has asked the TV networks for airtime. He knows that after he’s gone, his only chance for airtime will be in America’s Most Wanted.

During his last press conference, President Bush said it is not true that overseas people view America in a dim light. Actually, in Iraq, people see America with no light, due to lack of electricity.

President Bush has given a press conference where he admitted some of his mistakes. The press conference is likely to finish in a couple of weeks.