January 7th 2009

Senate Democrats denied Roland Burris the vacated Senate seat of President-elect Barack Obama of Illinois. In solidarity, Larry Craig immediately offered Burris to seat him on his lap for the rest of the season.

Roland Burris, the man appointed by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to assume Barack Obama's Senate seat, said he doesn’t want to play the race card to be allowed in the senate. In fact, he’s willing to sit at the back if they let him in.

President-elect Barack Obama has offered the job of surgeon general to doctor Sanjay Gupta, a neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS. That buried all the rumors about Obama giving that position to Doctor Dre.

Paula Abdul will reportedly launch a daytime talk show. I believe it’s called “Intervention.”

The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members. Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but also the border.

Scientists say that human hair makes great fertilizer. I planted some of Donald Trump’s and I harvested several squirrels.

According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you have to see those who manage the country’s economy.

There’s a global competition in internet where people can vote for the new 7 wonders of Nature. So far, in the lead, Scarlet Johansen’s rack.

"Twilight" stud, Robert Pattison, told the media that up until he was 12, his sisters used to dress him as a girl. Apparently, after 12, he learned to do it himself.

Joe Biden went to the movie theater Saturday but couldn’t get in because tickets were sold out. Actually, there were several tickets still available, but no theater owner in his right mind would let chatty Biden in.

Press secretary Dana Perino said Tuesday that President Bush started the process of moving out of the White House. You might see some big trucks outside the White House carrying Bush’s furniture and a tiny box carrying Bush’s library.

Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. Apparently, he makes way more money making babies.

Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. He will still be doing some drilling, but not in the oil fields anymore.

A Spanish referee handed out 19 red cards in a single soccer game. He was immediately contacted by some American companies to take care of the layoffs.

A seventy-year-old woman held a home intruder at gunpoint until police arrived. Police let the intruder free for being nice enough not to tell the old lady that actually she was holding a tube of Bengay.