March 11th 2009

According to the doctors of the Cleveland Clinic, men who have sex three times a week are 50% less likely to suffer a stroke or a heart attack. Now you know why your wife doesn’t want to do it with you; she wants to kill you.

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, men who have 150 to 350 orgasms per year report that their body feels two to eight years younger than their actual age. Today, I saw Bill Clinton watching Nickelodeon.

According to some doctors from the Cleveland Clinic, for the typical American, increasing the amount of sex you have from once a month to once a week is the "happiness equivalent" to earning an extra $50,000 per year. If that analogy is correct I think I owe some money.

Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny little portions" of food served at White House functions. Apparently, Obama will do anything to keep Rush Limbaugh as far away from the White House as possible.

Members of Congress from both parties are grumbling about the "tiny little portions" of food served at White House functions. Don’t they have enough with all the pork they got in the stimulus package?

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that human body odor could be used to tell when people are lying. They got inspired by how their wives could tell when they came from the strip bar smelling of cheap hookers rather than from playing basketball with their friends like they claimed.

President Barack Obama called for tying teachers' pay to student performance. Apparently Bush’s teacher is supposed to send some money back.

Authorities in New Jersey said three men accused of burglary allegedly used raw hot dogs to distract the homeowner's pet Labrador. Apparently, they didn’t only distract the dog, but 20 fat neighbors as well.

The folks over at "American Idol" had a problem upping the final 12 to 13 this year. Turns out the sequenced telephone number for contestant 13 is already in use by a phone sex company. And you know that Bill Clinton voted for contestant 13 like twenty million times.

After it was announced that Citibank operated at a profit during the first two months of the year, its stocks went up from $1 to almost $1.36. Today, Citibank CEOs demanded $10 billion in bonuses.

A foreclosed Detroit home recently sold for one dollar. Don’t feel bad for the buyer, it came with French fries.

Latino broadcaster Univision has cut 6% of its staff. It was horrible to see how many people died last week in the soap opera “Juro que te amo.”

Oprah Winfrey is doing a show about abusive relations. No, not a show about abusive relations with pies, doughnuts, chocolates like you would imagine with Oprah; it is going to be about Chris Brown and Rhianna.

A species of ducks is going to die out in the UK because the last remaining males are both gay. Apparently, members of the wildlife department will try a new method: to dress the female ducks as Donald duck to see if that attracts the gay males.

Eddie Doyle, who for 35 years worked at the Boston bar that inspired "Cheers", has been laid off due to the bad economy. We all saw it coming; when Cheers hired Kirstie Allen as a waitress, she ended up eating every little piece of food they had at the bar and they went bankrupt.

During a show in Tampa, Britney Spear was caught by the microphone saying her privates were “hanging out”. Apparently, they came back after they had a couple of beers and a hotdog.

Rhianna and Chris Brown are reportedly recording together. Apparently, Chris likes Rhianna because she knows how to keep a beat.

According to a recent survey by the British government, one in five people think it is ok for a man to slap his wife or girlfriend. No wonder tons of women in England have bad teeth.