April 29th 2009

Mexico City streets were almost deserted yesterday, with no schools, no movie theaters and no cafes. It was bound to happen… all Mexicans have already moved to California.

Doctors say that the swine flu can be treated with Tamiflu and Relenza. Awesome! Now, I have to find a way to cross to Mexico and buy them cheaper there.

Some high school kids from New York traveled to Mexico and contracted swine flu. If you went to Mexico for Spring Break and only got swine flu, consider yourself lucky.

Most countries in the World are advising their citizens to postpone nonessential travel to Mexico. It is already too late; the swine already flu…

If you see Joe Biden with a face mask today, don’t think he is doing it to prevent catching the swine flu, it was Obama who just wanted him to shut up for a while.

People are taking all sort of precautions about the swine flu. I got to be honest; when I get drunk and I leave the bar with a companion, I always make sure that in the morning the pig flu…

Actress Kirstie Alley will be making an appearance on Oprah this Thursday to talk about all the weight she's gained back. Just in case Alley decides to imitate Tom Cruise, Oprah’s producers are going to remove all the couches from the set.

Congress approved a compromise $3.4 trillion 2010 budget blueprint on Wednesday. Democrats were smart to try to pass the budget now with the pandemic scare. They know that Republicans are not going to dare touch the budget, especially with all the pork it has.

Republicans said that what Specter did was a suicide. Finally somebody got it right, said Spector… Phil Spector.

Simon Cowell says a couple once offered him $150,000 to critique their sex. If it was me, I would pay money to Paula Abdul to critique my sex, because for her everybody is awesome…

A Serbian worker who was protesting unpaid wages cut off his own finger and ate it. The worst part, he was a proctologist…

A new report says that TV can reduce feelings of loneliness and rejection. Ironically you can feel lonely and rejected if you work for some of the shows on NBC because nobody is watching you…

Korean scientists say they've cloned dogs that glow in the dark. Imagine my surprise next time the lights go off at my favorite Korean restaurant.

A low-flying government jet just off lower Manhattan frightened New Yorkers working in the financial district yesterday. Fortunately there was no need to evacuate the buildings as most of them are already empty because everybody got fired.

The Denver Nuggets beat the New Orleans Hornets by 58 points on Monday. It was such a disaster for New Orleans that to avoid catching any criticism Obama sent FEMA.

A Mexican variety show that was unable to assemble a studio audience due to swine flu fears, used cardboard cutouts instead. I guess the Clippers found a way to make their stadium look a little bit busy on TV next season.

The Moonlite BunnyRanch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an "apprenticeship" at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there.

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a list of the symptoms of swine flu. They include: fever, cough, growing a moustache and an incontrollable urge to use a leaf blower or mow your lawn.