April 30th 2009

Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that he would not recommend taking any commercial flight or riding in a subway car “at this point” because swine flu virus can spread “in confined places.” Immediately after that the "Center for Disease Control" ordered a mandatory breath mask on Jor Biden so he would shut up.

Pork producers have requested that U.S. officials abandon using the term swine flu because it is hurting their industry. Apparently, they want the disease to be called “Beef flu.”

Pork producers have requested that U.S. officials abandon using the term swine flu because it is hurting their industry. And so are fat women because they haven’t seen any action since swine flu became the talk of the town.

U.S. officials said Tuesday they may abandon the term swine flu. So far they came up with two names: Kirstie Alley Flu or Susan Boyle’s revenge…

Americans are confused with the swine flu because they thought they were powerful but now they realize that when Mexico sneezes the rest of the world catches the flu....

First they came after the spinach, and nobody cared, then they came after the tomato and nobody cared, now they came after our swaine and of course fat america panicked...

President Obama blamed the previous administration for the precarious situation this country is at now. You can’t blame the president; after all he is washing his hands to avoid catching the swine flu.

During yesterday’s press conference a reporter asked Obama what he’d been “enchanted” by during his 100 days in the presidency. And you could hear Keith Olberman’s mind going: “please pick me, please pick me…”

Jennifer Aniston might become an adoptive parent. How hard is it going to be for her when the kid leaves her for another adopting mom: Angelina Jolie.

The Moonlite BunnyRanch announced they’ve offered Rod Blogajovich an "apprenticeship" at their legal house of ill repute. That’s an insult for the former governor; he’s got more experience screwing people than any of the whores they have working there.

Researchers have found that eating fatty foods can help boost a person's memory. Especially when it comes to remembering when they run out of ice-cream at home.

People still complain about the panic caused by the photo op of the Air Force One flying over lower Manhattan. I don’t think the Defense Department gets it, because they apologized and said that next time they’ll use Photoshop and for the picture they’ll build a new lower Manhattan.

33% of U.S. children fear that the apocalypse will occur in their lifetime. Some teachers took advantage of that view and told their students they cannot leave this world without knowing what sex is…

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. If the money goes to the troops, we all have to be sure Hannity stays at least 30 minutes under water.

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is offering to donate $1000 for every second Sean Hannity endures being waterboarded after the Fox News host promised in his show to do it for charity. Alan Comes immediately upped the offer and said he’ll pay a million dollars to the person in charge of waterboarding Hannity if he forgets the safe word.

According to a new report, three in five new Twitter users quit using the social networking site within a month. Mostly because they realize nobody cares about them doing laundry, buying a sandwich at McDonalds, or taking a dump while reading the paper.

A new, two-year survey by Britain's Children's Society found that only one in five kids now play outside on a regular basis. But just because they set up their Playstation in the patio. People

Magazine's "100 most beautiful people" issue comes out this week . I keep looking and looking and no sign of Susan Boyle.