May 12th 2009

This is National Bike to Work Week. That’s why Monday, most unemployment offices installed long bicycle racks in front of their buildings.

"Star" Magazine says that Madonna is spending $1,000 a week on an English tutor for her boyfriend Jesus. I can’t imagine Madonna’s disappointment when she finds out that the reason she doesn’t understand Jesus is because he speaks “Young”.

Donald Trump will hold a press conference to say if Miss California should be stripped of her crown. She’s stripped off of almost everything else in those racy pictures, so I don’t think she’ll mind.

According to a survey by the CDC, one in five US homes has abandoned landlines and is exclusively using wireless phones. The other 4 are using wireless phones because they have abandoned their homes due to foreclosure.

Simon Cowell said during the Oprah Winfrey Show that he thinks Adam Lambert will win this season of "American Idol"… and Miss America too.

A judge in Saudi Arabia ruled that it's okay to slap your wife if she spends too much money. “Hey, I think we found our Supreme Court nominee,” said Chris Brown.

The space shuttle Atlantis blasted off for one last flight. After the mission is completed, NASA officials are hoping to get the $4500 government voucher and change the Atlantis for a newer model.

An Australian group of researchers found that nine in ten food ads shown during kids' TV shows are for junk food. Kids are forced to watch the last commercial because their fingers are too fat to change the channel.

Playboy magazine is planning radical changes including cutting its circulation. Ironically, that’s the reason they are not selling, because of the lack of blood circulation in some of the old Playboy magazine readers.

Republicans are outraged by Wanda Syke’s joke on Rush Limbaugh when she wished his kidney failed at the correspondents dinner. They are so brave, let’s see if some of them dare donate their kidney’s in case Wanda Syke’s wishes come true.

A new survey found that about one in 10 Americans has stopped hugging and kissing close friends or relatives because of concerns about swine flu. Apparently, only two of the Octomom kids were forced to kiss her for Mother’s Day.

Texas GOP congressman Pete Sessions said that Obama is intentionally causing the high rate in unemployment. He’s right, especially among Republicans in Congress.