May 6th 2009

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. Security was extra tight, not so much to protect Obama, but rather to shoot Biden in case he opened his mouth.

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. You know how difficult it was for Biden to eat with duct tape and a surgical mask covering his mouth?

President Obama and Vice President Biden had lunch at a burger joint in Virginia yesterday. Obama asked for a hamburger with extra government cheese.

Radio host Michael Savage is among 22 people who have been banned from entering Britain. The list consists of Michael Savage and 21 dentists.

Teams of surgeons at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center performed the nation's first double hand transplant on a man. The donor’s identity was not revealed, but it must have been a politician because the patient immediately put his hands in somebody else’s pockets.

A pharmacy in Washington DC has a tank for customers to dispose of unused medication that has expired. Once a week the tank is emptied in Paula Abdul’s mouth…

Scientists unveiled on Tuesday a car powered by waste from chocolate factories. The vehicle can reach up to 145 mph and a cholesterol of 300.

Scientists unveiled on Tuesday a car powered by waste from chocolate factories. It’d better come with a lock for the gas tank because fat people will continually try to siphon the car.

NBC is going to air Saturday Night Live on Thursdays. No wonder NBC is tanking in the ratings, what’s next: Monday Night Football on Wednesdays?

A secretary in Singapore who was performing oral sex on her boss in a car accidentally bit off his penis when the vehicle was hit by a reversing van. Apparently, she was taking DICtation…

A secretary in Singapore who was performing oral sex on her boss in a car accidentally bit off his penis when the vehicle was hit by a reversing van. Unfortunately, the man is not the head of the company anymore.

In response to provocative pictures of herself that showed up online, Miss California said that it was ok because quote: "I am a Christian, and I am a model…” which is not the same as being a model Christian.

Miss California continues her quest against gay marriage. I don’t know if she is going to lower the rate of gay marriage, but after looking at her new half-naked pics that showed up online, she’ll definitely lower the rate of heterosexual marriage, because there’s no way in the world I’m going to marry my fat girlfriend now.

The first US face transplant patient revealed her face to the public yesterday. And no, she is not the old woman that is in the finals of The Apprentice….

A man, who flew from Vietnam to Los Angeles, allegedly with 14 live birds hidden in his pants, was indicted Tuesday. He should know better: a bird in the hand is worth more than 14 in the bush.

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. It is a really crappy app.

A Japanese software company has come up with a cell phone program to help people out on the town find the nearest restroom. Dial one for number one and two for number two. And it works better if you butt dial.