May 5th 2009

Gun shops across the country are reporting a run on ammunition, because gun owners believe Obama will increase taxes on bullets thus raising the price of the ammo. Shouldn’t Obama spread the rumors he is going to raise the prices of all the American cars then?

During an interview with a Christian magazine, Joe the plumber said that he doesn’t like gays. There go his chances of winning Mister US Plumber 2009.

Joe the Plumber said during an interview that he doesn't allow openly gay people "anywhere near" his children. I guess that if he runs for congress and wins his kids won’t be able to visit him at work.

A university in Pennsylvania held a separate graduation ceremony for students who'd recently been to Mexico. It was really emotional when at the end of the ceremony students tossed their surgical masks on the air.

A pilot walked away unharmed from a crash in Washington State after landing his small plane in a field full of portable toilets. They are now calling him “Sullied” Sullenberger.

President Obama said his administration will get tough on overseas tax havens. He should start first getting tough on national tax havens like his own cabinet.

Hispanic marchers gathered all over the country on May Day. Things have changed since last year; before they used to march for illegals’ rights; now they just want the right to shake hands and hug people.

Hispanic marchers gathered all over the country on May Day. Day schools in the U.S. that were closed for the swine flu opened without fear.

58% of women say they are satisfied with their sex life. The other 42% can call me anytime and I’ll show them how I did it with the other 58%.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, the day Mexicans celebrate beating the swine flu.

Lawmakers want advertisements for drugs to treat erectile dysfunction banned on radio and television during the vast majority of daytime and prime time hours. If the bill passes, Pfizer is done. Most of their clientele for ED drugs go to sleep right after having the early bird special at 5 PM.

Mexico announced a return to "normalcy" on Monday, and by normalcy they mean people will go back to dying mostly for the drug war.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. The featured movies will be about different wars…. Revolutionary war, First World War and Second World War… all wars McCain fought.

John McCain will host a war movie marathon on Memorial Day on AMC. Former president Bush will also host a movies marathon: All the “Porky’s” movies.

Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. Ironically, that was probably the healthiest thing in that meal.

Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. I don’t want to brag but that’s why I usually supersize mine.