May 8th 2009

Have a nice weekend! Pedro

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. It is a great idea; who is going to throw a mean curve ball, or a furious fast ball to a pregnant hitter?

Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for taking a banned substance believed to be a women's fertility drug. His team players were concerned; does it mean they ought to give him presents for mothers’ day?

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, he was striking out pretty often… in bed.

A source close to Manny Ramirez said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction. Apparently, what he was using in recent games to hit the ball wasn’t his bat.

Some flu experts believe people should get the swine flu on purpose to avoid a deadly accidental infection. At least that is the excuse I used with my wife when she caught me kissing my Mexican maid.

An article in the New York Times said that some flu experts believe people should get the swine flu on purpose to avoid a deadly accidental infection. Things are getting a little crazier; today I saw Lou Dobbs shaking hands with Jose, his gardener.

Kiefer Sutherland was charged with misdemeanor assault Thursday for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer at a Manhattan nightclub. I don’t want to say he’s got an alcohol problem, but producers of 24 are considering changing his name from Jack Bauer to Jack Daniels.

Kiefer Sutherland was charged with misdemeanor assault Thursday for allegedly head-butting a fashion designer at a Manhattan nightclub. I don’t want to say he’s got an alcohol problem, but producers of 24 are considering changing the name of the show to his last breathalyzer score: ".24"

Susan Boyle will appear on "Oprah" on Monday. The interview has been heavily promoted so moms can Tivo it and use it in the future to threaten their kids when they don’t want to eat their veggies.

A Manhattan auction house is selling a collection of medieval torture devices. Apparently, they bought most of them at Dick Cheney’s garage sale.

A 21-year old dog has become the oldest known dog in the world. And as a present, today the mailman let her catch him.

Leading Republicans have started a tour focusing on listening to Americans. Exactly what Dick Cheney has been doing for years... listening to our conversations…

John Edwards made a brief appearance during the Oprah Winfrey Show. It was quite tacky, especially when he jumped in the couch for two hours to profess his love to all his mistresses.

John Edwards made a brief appearance during the Oprah Winfrey Show. He looked quite strange wearing a shower cap, but he’s afraid to lose a single hair that could be used for a DNA test.

According to a new study from a group called the Joseph Rowntree Foundation, nearly one in six women are now considered binge drinkers. Great; at least I have a chance to go to bed with one of them.

According to Time Magazine Joe the Plumber is quitting the GOP party. Rumors are he is considering joining the Whig Party.

Donald Trump said during an interview with Ryan Seacrest that he will examine the racy pictures of Miss California to see if her title needs to be taken away. And also if she could become wife material.

A cow escaped death when it fled a New York City slaughterhouse on Wednesday. This is not the first time this has happened in New York. We all remember when Rosie O’ Donnel escaped a slaughterhouse: “The View”

A cow escaped death when it fled a New York City slaughterhouse on Wednesday. The cow wasn’t that happy; it was picked up by a truck driven by Kristy Alley.

Vivid Entertainment, a porno film company is offering Miss California $1 million to star in one of their "films." They’d better hurry up, because I bet you money there’s already a racy video with her as a star that is about to pop up on the internet.