July 13th 2009

President Obama met with the Pope on Friday. Apparently, Obama started the conversation with: “forgive me father for I have sinned. But Benedict, you have to see that ass!”

President Obama met the Pope last week. Apparently, the pope begged Obama to put a good word for him with his father so the Vatican can get more money.

Senator John Ensign’s parents gave $96,000 to the family of the woman with whom he admitted an extramarital affair. Now you understand why Sanford cheated with an Argentinean. When he asked his parents for money to cover his ass, at least it was cheaper to ask for pesos.

After three years of absence, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced the return of El Niño. Apparently, now that Michael Jackson is gone, El Niño feels it’s safe to come back.

Meteorologists believe that El Niño will come this year with an unusual ferocity. Apparently, he is mad because neither Madonna nor Angelina Jolie wanted to adopt him.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. When Obama heard she was 16, he immediately demanded to see her birth certificate.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. Fortunately for the president, Bill called later to teach him some peripheral butt vision.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. And when he got home, Michelle fist-bumped his face.

The camp director of the private pool in Philadelphia that pulled black kids out of the water claims he is not a racist. He said that he pulled the kids out because he didn’t want them to drown, because black people can’t swim.

President Barack Obama promised Pope Benedict on Friday that he would do everything possible to reduce the number of abortions in the United States. Then he bought a bunch of condoms to distribute among senators, congressmen and governors.

Kennedy International Airport was shut down briefly Wednesday morning when 78 turtles appeared on the tarmac. It was worth the wait; passengers of Southwest Airlines were compensated with a delicious turtle soup.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney directed the CIA eight years ago to not inform Congress about a counterterrorism program and on how freakish Pelosi was looking with so much plastic surgery.

According to a recent article, laughter is just as good as, if not better than, having an orgasm. So, my dates can’t complaint, because every time I get naked in front of them, I make them laugh really hard.

Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection. It doesn’t affect Cheney, but that will help save the lives of tons of lawyers that live near Cheney.

Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection. The cost is always double, because you also have to extend the protection to those who protect the secret service from Cheney.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said she might campaign for any Democrats that want her to do that. Actually, she’s been campaigning brilliantly for democrats nationwide since she was chosen as a candidate in 2008.

The pope asked president Obama to reduce the number of abortions in the United States. Apparently, Catholic priests are complaining they are running out of kids…