July 9th 2009

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the last 50 years.

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. I’d better erase the internet cache so my mother-in-law and my wife don’t see this article.

Magic Johnson spoke at Michael Jackson’s funeral, reminding me of all the money I lost in the death pool.

30.9 million Americans watched the Michael Jackson memorial on TV. And you know there was disappointment when no riots broke out.

Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his rented home…….to play doctor with the kids.

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe Jackson pounded Michael’s casket, screaming, we do it all over again…

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Of course, Diana didn’t have Jermaine and Tito on stage.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly turned down a role in "The Hangover". Because she thought it was going to be a biographical movie.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. It is not bologni….And today , to honor him, I’m pouring some mustard on the floor

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. I wonder if they are going to use the Wienermobile during the funeral procession.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. Today I ‘m going to raise my wiener half mast to honor him.

A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. Apparently he was working on a new deodorant commercial.

President Obama wants Brazil’s help to convince Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program. And Argentina to help him destroy Republicans.