July 15th 2009

President Obama said that the number of unemployed people will continue to rise over the next few months. Mmm… I think his pitching coach is gone…

The New York Times reports that Sarah Palin grew so stressed while serving as governor that she began losing her hair. She wasn’t the only one; when she got nominated, I saw a lot of Republicans lose theirs… I mean pull theirs.

One of President Obama’s teleprompter screens fell over and smashed on the floor. Apparently, Cheney has not been doing any target practice lately.

A check that astronaut Neil Armstrong wrote the morning he blasted off for the moon 40 years ago is being auctioned. The check was to pay for the cameras, mics and the set to fake the moon landing.

Senator Ensign said he is not quitting. But he has enough punishment… his parents won’t let him watch TV or play videogames for a week.

A drug mule flying from Jamaica to England was caught smuggling cocaine inside golf clubs when suspicious officials asked about her handicap and she didn’t know what to answer. Obviously, her handicap was mental…

GOP Chairman, Michael Steele, invited minorities to join the GOP and said he’ll bring the fried chicken and the potato salad. He’ll have to fight Rush Limbaugh to let minorities in… and to protect the fried chicken.

582 drummers played together at the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham, UK, to break a new world record. And for a couple of hours there was no pizza delivery in the entire city.

A blogger who admitted to leaking part of the Guns N' Roses album "Chinese Democracy" was sentenced to a year of probation on Monday for disseminating so much crap on the internet.

Cheney Mason, a lawyer from Florida, is refusing to pay up on a one million dollar dare after a law student took him up on it and won. Cheney Mason, what a Dick!

A southwest flight had to make an emergency landing after a hole ripped open in the roof. Apparently, they couldn’t cover the hole because they had used all the duck tape to attach the wings to the plane.

A website reports that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found messages from John Mayer on her phone. Apparently, Mayer called Jessica to ask her who Michael Jackson was.