August 5th 2009

The nation of Antigua named its highest mountain after president Obama as a present for his birthday. Republicans were so jealous; they would love their own a mountain to go hiking.

The nation of Antigua named its highest mountain after president Obama as a present for his birthday. Obama promised to one day visit the peak of the mountain so he can sneak a smoke without Michelle bugging him.

Two U.S. journalists who had been detained by North Korea traveled back to the United States with former President Clinton. It was an emotional day for the reporters; not only did they get liberated, but they also became members of the famous Bill Clinton 500 mile club.

According to a recent book, Obama gets 30 death threats a day. Michelle, can you let the poor man light a cigarette in peace?

A toy company in Spain has introduced a new doll that little girls can breastfeed. Or you can be Palin’s daughter and save the money by using your own son.

Some doctors believe that the best way to get a good night sleep is to have sex before bedtime. That’s why my boss is so sleepy at work; he’s screwing the secretary… at work!

Paula Abdul confirmed that she won’t be part of the next season of American Idol. The pharmaceutical companies can’t get a break… first Michael Jackson died and now this?

The White House denied that Bill Clinton issued any kind of apology to North Korea. They can’t say the same about Bill apologizing to Hillary for trying to score with one of the liberated reporters.

Obama celebrated his 48th birthday Tuesday. And after he blew the candles, he immediately made a phone call and got a little disappointed when he discovered his wished didn’t come through; Rush was doing fine.

Eddie Van Halen will guest star on an episode of "Two and a Half Men" this fall. He won't reveal any secrets about the show; his tongue is tied.