September 30th 2009

Blue dog Democrats in the senate rejected the public option amendment that Obama was hoping to pass. Obama wasn’t mad, but as a present he sent the blue dogs an invitation for an evening with Michael Vick.

In a recent survey, 16% of Americans said they'd like to switch bodies with Hillary Clinton… the ones that don’t want to have sex with Bill.

Miners in South Africa discovered a 507-carat white diamond… big enough to cover Kobe Bryant for at least two or three affairs.

Tom Delay almost got eliminated from Dancing with the Stars after a really bad performance dancing the Tango. Shouldn’t he have called Mark Sandford? If there’s a politician that has experience with the Argentinean tango, it’s probably him.

The American Girl Company released a "Homeless Doll". It is very affordable; it doesn’t come with any accessories.

The American Girl Company released a "Homeless Doll". It comes with a shopping cart as an accessory.

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on "Jon & Kate Plus 8". After his divorce, he is hoping to come up with his own show: Jon Minus Kate, the kids, the house, the car…

Jon Gosselin will no longer appear on "Jon & Kate Plus 8". The show will be called Kate plus 8. But the name is likely to change soon, you know those kids can’t wait to get the heck of there too.

According to a “60 Minutes” survey, 45% of Americans have used medication to help them sleep. The other 55% just watch CSPAN.

According to a “60 Minutes” survey, 4% of Americans say that the hardest thing for them to cut back on during the recession was alcohol. The other 96% were too drunk to understand the question.

According to some rumors, CNN might consider Ryan Seacrest to replace Larry King. Funny… we go from a King to a Queen.

A Massachusetts man who stole a hot dog from another man sitting under a tree in a park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. He’ll have plenty of foot-longs in jail to enjoy.

Authorities in the US believe there’s a big chance that Roman Palonski will be extradited to America for his decades-old rape charge. Polanski might accept to come back as long as he can stay at the Neverland Ranch.