October 13th 2009

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized for drinking in London this week. Apparently, they found him drunk on the floor trying to eat fish and chips.

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The committee believes he did enough for World Peace. He prevented Sarah Palin from becoming our vice president!

President Obama hosted a pick-up basketball game at the White House last week. And today the NBA named him the 2009 MVP.

Pope Benedict XVI canonized five new saints Sunday. Obama said to be thankful, but he doesn’t think he deserves it.

Bo, president Obama’s dog, celebrated its first birthday on Friday. You can see the stress of living in the White House is taking its toll on the dog. Bo already looks like 14 human-years-old.

Bo, president Obama’s dog, celebrated its first birthday on Friday. The party was attended by the biggest dogs in America: Pluto, Scooby Doo and David Letterman.

Jimmy Kimmel is having sex with a staffer on his late night talk show, "Jimmy Kimmel Live". The only difference with David Letterman is that he is the one blackmailing the employee threatening to disclose her name.

"OK!" magazine claims that Katie Holmes is helping Tom Cruise lose calories by having sex 3 or 4 times a week. What a difference, when I told my wife about it, she bought me a treadmill.

Thousands of gay and lesbian activists marched Sunday from the White House to the Capitol. Security in the area was increased. I saw a lot of cops….construction workers, Indians, cowboys.

President Obama said yesterday he will end “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” in the military. He immediately told the media, “don’t ask when, because I’m not telling.”

54% of all the companies in America are banning facebook and twitter at work. As long as they don’t ban looking at porn, everybody is ok.

A couple in New York violently attacked the cashier of a McDonald’s restaurant after they received small fries instead of large. That’s a couple that needs to order a happy meal.

A man has been arrested and charged with sexually propositioning his estranged 13-year-old daughter on Facebook, officials said today. I didn’t know Polanski had internet access in jail.

People who expected a spectacular explosion were disappointed when the video of the NASA rocket impacting the moon showed little more than a fuzzy white flash. Maybe NASA should have hired the same guys that faked the first moon landing.

Opponents of banning smoking in public places are starting to mobilize against it all over the country. Fortunately, the complaints will run out of air pretty soon.

Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse will perform together this week on the British talent show "The X Factor". They both have the biggest pipes in the music business, and great voices as well.

A woman in Milwaukee claimed she was unfairly disqualified during a marathon for using her I-pod during a later portion of the race. What she is not saying is that she threw the I-pod to the head of the woman leading the race.