October 5th 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger decided not to grant a pardon to director Roman Polanski. The governor wants Polanski back in America; he knows it’s going to be great for the economy. Do you know how many lawyers lost their jobs when Michael Jackson died?

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had had sex with some of his female staffers to an audience that at times clapped and laughed at the shocking revelation. And today, Mark Sandford, John Edwards and John Ensign were fighting each other to hire Letterman’s writers.

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had had sex with some of his female staffers. The audience laughed thinking it was a joke. That will definitely help Letterman’s ego....

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had sex with some of his female staffers. "Not a big deal," said Whoopi, "it wasn’t sex sex…"

Todd Palin has quit his job to spend more time with the family. The Palin’s are all business now; with Jon & Kate plus 8 gone, they only need three more kids to get that gig.

ABC network is discouraging their stars from appearing on the new Jay Leno show. So today Leno cancelled the appointment with the shrink he had scheduled for after the interview with the members of The View.

Rumors are spreading that Kate Hudson is pregnant with A-Rod's baby. I guess Sully Sullenberger wasn’t the only one landing on the Hudson.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round. Obama was devastated, especially because he hoped Kanye would show up at the end of the announcement screaming " Yo IOC, Ima let you finish, but Chicago had the best city for the Olympics."

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round of voting. Maybe instead of sending Obama and Oprah, we should have sent Rod Blogajevich to negotiate; he would have probably gotten Chicago the Olympics, the Soccer World cup and even a nomination for the Nobel Peace prize.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, instead of Chicago. Republicans were happy. Today, to celebrate Rush, Glen Beck and Lou Dobbs went to the Spa for a Brazilian waxing.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round. Republicans were happy. Tom Delay can’t wait to dance the Samba during the next Dancing with the Stars.

The Transportation Security Administration plans to install 150 security machines at airport checkpoints that let screeners see under passengers' clothing. Apparently, Homeland Security is determined to, once and for all, know if Lady gaga is a man or a woman.