March 24th 2010

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill on Sunday. Democrats clarified repeatedly to the media that the death panels don’t exist and that old people should feel safe. And to make them feel even better, Obama will give every senior citizen a new Toyota.

John McCain said yesterday that after the vote for the Health Care reform bill, Republicans won’t cooperate with Democrats anymore. When did the GOP cooperate? He’s lucky because people with pre-existing conditions will no longer be able to be denied health insurance, so even with Alzheimer’s he’ll get some coverage.

A woman in North Carolina got $9 million after suing her former husband’s mistress for "alienation of affection,” Wow! If Elin gets the same for every mistress Tiger had, she could be richer than Bill Gates.

If you thought Rush Limbaugh was mad that Democrats passed the Health Care Reform bill, imagine how Costa Ricans feel now that he might move there!

There’s a woman that has a bizarre sexual phobia that prevents her from having sex indoors. She is lucky, with all the foreclosure; she won’t have any problem finding guys willing to have sex on the streets.

The Costa Rican government is working on a health care bill of their own, as they are due to put on over 300 pounds of unwanted fat.

Pat Robertson turned 80 yesterday. He looks great; he must have a pact with the devil or something…

Half of New York State voters support medical marijuana. The other half was too high to answer the question.

Police in New York on Monday said it appears a March 9 crash of a Toyota Motor Corp Prius was a case of driver error. Her mistake? Buying a Toyota.

According to new investigations, Michael Jackson's doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene. There were so many drugs that police suspect Jackson had died 5 years ago.

The US government is planning on investing money to attract more tourists to visit the country. You don’t need to spend a dime, said the Mexican government, we can send you millions of tourists that will visit the US and stay…

Former Bush White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is not working with Tiger Woods anymore. Apparently, Tiger didn’t like the suggestion of hanging a Mission Accomplished banner on every waitress he had sex with.

According to a new study, earning more money only makes people happier if they feel richer than their friends, neighbors and colleagues. Considering what I make, I may be making so many of my friends and family members the happiest people on Earth.