Tons of jokes for March 19th!

Most people in Congress wore something green today. Apparently they were afraid Massa would be around there and ready to pinch them.

Rush Limbaugh bragged yesterday about shutting down the Capitol switchboard with anti- health care reform calls after he rallied his listeners to do it. To be fair, Rush got the help of millions of people in Costa Rice who also called against the bill because they don’t want Rush to move there.

President Obama sat down with Fox News today because Saint Patrick’s Day is the perfect day for a beer summit.

MTV wants the "Jersey Shore" cast to avoid alcohol during their hiatus. MTV should at least let their friends have some drinks, how else on earth is Snooki is going to have sex if everybody is sober?

Some guy in Florida who is claiming to be a vampire says he's running for president in 2012. It’ll be quite difficult to distinguish him among the other politicians because they all suck.

A man out jogging on a beach in South Carolina was hit and killed by an airplane making an emergency landing. Now do you understand while I rather stay home eating pizza than exercising?

Californians felt a magnitude 4.4 earthquake at 4:00 A.M. Finally some movement in Jennifer Aniston’s bed.

President Obama sat down with Fox News to try to convince conservatives of the importance of the Health Care reform. It was a smart move because seeing Obama there made most of Fox New’s viewers sick.

A new study suggests that men with heart problems may have double the risk of death if they also suffer from erectile dysfunction. Especially the day they get an erection because that could kill them out of excitement.

According to a survey women had an average of 5.65 different sexual partners by the time they were 24. The .65 is because they had sex with Jon Gosselin, which barely count as one.

According to a survey by the time they are 24 women nowadays have more sex that those women that were 24 in the 60’s. That’s why my grandma has sex with half the retiring home; she is trying to catch up.

A company is selling now a Tiger Woods blow-up doll. I mean for most people it is a blow-uo doll, for Tiger’s wife Elin, it is a punching bag.

John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him in Arizona next week after the polls show he might have troubles keeping his senate seat. McCain’s Alzheimer’s is kicking it. Doesn’t he remember what happened last time Palin helped him the last elections?

Republican candidate for the Senate J.D. Hayworth said yesterday that if the Massachusetts Supreme Court defined marriage as 'the establishment of intimacy,' that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, you could marry it. He might be onto something because it is obvious his wife married an ass!

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She already hired two trainers to help her in her quest: Kirstie Alley and Michael Moore.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She is eating 12,000 calories a day, or 2 big Macs.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to have a run at the fattest woman in the world title. Actually, more than a run, a very slow walk.

Things are getting really tense among the congressional Democrats because they can’t get the number of votes to pass the Health Care Bill. What makes it even worse, they don’t have Massa anymore to massage them.

The movie “Hot Tub Time Machine” is coming to theaters soon. Apparently, the movie is about a politician in Utah that uses the hot tub to go back in time to ask his 15-year-old date to please put some clothes on.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. I can imagine his wife getting quite upset if he catches him checking other women’s butts.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. Last time he had a Taco Bell, he saw a rat.

Flavor Flav turns 51 today. Unfortunately, he had to cancel his party because he hasn’t finished setting all his clocks ahead for daylight saving yet.

An insurance executive who secretly shot nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has been sentenced to 2½ years in prison. He is really a sports fan. Unfortunately, the kind of package he’ll see behind bars will have nothing to do with sports.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. How unfortunate; he expected to grow to be 24... inches...

The shortest man on earth died at 21. So young, he wanted to accomplish so many things in life, but he came up a little short.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. You know what they say: Life is too short.

The Obama administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air-traffic control system. The first part of the plan is to replace all traffic controllers with 10-year-old kids.

Toyota dismissed the story of a man who claimed his Prius sped out of control on the California freeway and called it a hoax. When reporters asked the man in question he apologized and said that “he did it for the show.”

Rielle Hunter is very upset with the racy photos of her that showed up in the new issue of GQ magazine and said they were quite tacky. Rielle, you shot a porno movie with a married man while you were pregnant and you call a couple of semi-nude pictures tacky?

According to a new study from a group called Catalyst, women still make just 77.8 cents for every dollar earned by men. It is not a chauvinistic thing; besides, women can always make a little more if they are nice with their bosses.