April 25th 2010

The Treasury Department unveiled the new $100 bill yesterday and posted a video on their website for the majority of Americans who will never get a chance to hold one.

The Treasury Department unveiled the new $100 bill yesterday. It was kind of embarrassing that during the ceremony Tim Geithner had to ask a Chinese guy to lend him one.

A former Little League coach to the sons of Larry King said he had sex with Larry’s wife in Larry’s own bed. Apparently, they would do it every time Larry got up to go to the bathroom to pee.

"Idol Gives Back" aired last night. Apparently, they gave a lot of back to Alicia Keys.

Kate Gosselin cried when she was eliminated from "Dancing with the Stars”. So did her kids, because without TV producers around, they don’t get food or water anymore.

Surveys show that it takes people around 18 months to recover from a divorce. Unless you're Larry King, because it takes him 18 seconds to marry someone new.

According to "Life & Style" magazine, Kate Gosseling hasn’t had sex in more than a year. And let’s be honest, the years she did it with her husband Jon don’t count either because she probably didn’t feel anything.

Three bisexual men are suing a national gay-athletic organization, because they were not allowed to participate during the Gay Softball World Series because they were not gay enough. Apparently, they were only willing to play pitcher and not catchers.

Three bisexual men are suing a national gay-athletic organization, because they were not allowed to participate during the Gay Softball World Series because they were not gay enough. Isn’t playing softball already gay enough?

A man in Oregon wants to pay for his cremation and urn costs before he dies and his plan is to sell advertising space on two urns that will hold his ashes. It is not unusual for companies to advertise with dead people; they do it with Larry King all the time.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr asked yesterday what the difference was “between email and a pager?” “Simple,” said the other members, “E-mail is the one we use to buy Viagra and the pager is the one we use to call our cocaine dealer.”

The president of France hand-delivered a letter to Barack Obama from Roman Polanski. The letter asks for leniency and the number of the little girl in the movie Kick Ass.

April 22nd 2010

President Obama was heckled by gay people at a Democratic fundraiser in Los Angeles. The president was so mad, he ruined their night by telling them who the winner of Project Runway was.

Arizona senators passed a bill Monday that would require law enforcement officers to question anyone they believe might be in the country illegally. And today president Obama cancelled his trip to Arizona…

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner says the U.S. economy is growing faster than expected. Yeah, and when it is all grown up, the economy is expected to pack all its belongings and move to China…

Bill Clinton says he does not want to be a Supreme Court justice. But then he blinked at the camera and said, But you Sotomayor, you can still text me…

A drunk Apple employee left the new prototype for an I-phone at a bar. Whoever found it sold it to a website that posted pictures of it for everybody to see. Apparently, the new I-phone doesn’t come with an app for stupidity.

A drunk Apple employee left the new prototype for an I-phone at a bar. Whoever found it sold it to a website that posted pictures of it for everybody to see. A drunk Microsoft employee also left a prototype for their new phone at the same bar, but whoever found it, threw it to the garbage.

A British woman has suddenly started speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering a severe migraine. I’m afraid my wife will start speaking with a Chinese accent soon, because every night before we go to bed she claims she’s got migraines.

Snooki of Jersey Shore said during an interview that she broke up with her boyfriend because he was just using her to get famous. And besides, 7 minutes 30 seconds of fame each is too little.

April is STD awareness month. But if you are dating any member of Jersey Shore, you should be aware every day.

Kelly Clarkson is causing controversy in Indonesia after her picture showed up on a billboard with the logo of a cigarette brand. Apparently, what’s even more controversial is the message... “If you quit smoking, you’ll get this fat!”

The Supreme Court struck down a U.S. law that bans videos depicting animal cruelty. So I guess it is ok for MTV to show again the clip where Snooki gets smacked at the bar, right?

According to a new survey, one in three women wants sex every day... I think I only dated the other two…

According to a new survey, half of all men say that dancing turns them on more than any other activity. No wonder Joe Gosselin broke up with Kate.

Miley Cyrus spent $3.4 million on a new multimillion-dollar home. And today her father, Billy Ray, asked her to borrow some money to change the shower curtain of his house.

April 20th 2010

Researchers say that the volcano in Iceland could be erupting for more than a month. Experts believe that by that time reporters in America might be able to pronounce the name of the volcano correctly.

European airlines are asking governments to ease restriction on flying despite the danger of the volcanic cloud from Iceland. Only a drunk pilot would dare fly in such conditions! Oh, never mind…

A prominent Roman Catholic bishop in Mexico blamed eroticism on television for priests abusing children. The Vatican decided to take action and canceled their subscription to Disney Network.

Did you see the movie preview they started showing on Friday? The highly anticipated horror movie is back! “Nightmare on Wall Street!”

The Government is accusing Goldman Sachs of civil fraud. How ironic… Goldman Sachs asked for a bailout before; now they are just asking for bail.

An Australian publisher is reprinting 7,000 cookbooks after a recipe for pasta mistakenly advised to use "salt and freshly ground black people” instead of pepper. The correction now reads “Ground African-American people…”

An Australian publisher released cookbooks with a recipe for pasta with a misprint that advised to use "salt and freshly ground black people” instead of pepper. If you’re curious, you can still try the dish at the GOP convention.

According to a new survey, 80% of Americans don’t trust government. The other 20% didn’t answer because they didn’t even trust the survey guy…

Rush Limbaugh said on his show that the volcano eruption in Iceland happened because God was mad at Obama for passing the Health Care reform. Rush, what an ash!

According to a new study, going on a diet could increase your risk of developing potentially deadly conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and cancer. Well, at least you are going to be drop dead gorgeous.

According to a new study, going on a diet could increase your risk of developing potentially deadly conditions such as heart disease, diabetes and cancer. So Kirstey Alley will live forever…

Crystal Bowersox had to be talked out of quitting "American Idol". If they could do the same with every viewer that is quitting watching the show this season because it sucks…

Kim Kardashian said in an interview that she used to pray that her boobs wouldn't get any bigger. Luckily, God didn’t hear her when she prayed about her butt…

Studies show that the human brain isn't programmed to do three things at once. Unless, or course, you’re Tiger Woods or Jesse James…

On Saturday, the New York Mets beat the St. Louis Cardinals 2-1 on a game that lasted almost 7 hours! The game was so long that by the time it was over:
Larry King had divorced two new wives…

Joe Biden had delivered 3 speeches…

The Republicans had blocked 9 Obama bills….

5 new Jesse James’s mistresses had appeared…

Heidi Montag had had 20 more plastic surgeries…

April 16th 2010

During an interview with CNN in Mexico, Michelle Obama told a reporter that Malia and Sasha can’t use computers, phones, or television during the week. If you thought that was tough, I heard Obama doesn’t let Biden watch TV either, not even on the weekends!

During an interview with CNN in Mexico, Michelle Obama told a reporter that Malia and Sasha can’t use computers, phones, or television during the week. Wait a minute; I thought Obama wanted to eradicate torture.

Lady Gaga says she’s celibate and not interested in sex. So it is confirmed; she is not a dude!

Churchgoers in Warr Acres, Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. I know Jesus was crucified, but I didn’t know he was also well-hung.

Churchgoers in Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. It makes sense; you have to have big cojones to get crucified for everybody.

Churchgoers in Oklahoma are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus. And looking at the image we can also know now why Maria Magdalena would give him huge discounts…

CNN is suing a man for falsely identifying himself as a senior iReporter for CNN. His lawyer is planning to plead insanity, because who on earth would want to be a CNN reporter nowadays?

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. Is it me or Larry is losing wives faster than CNN is losing viewers?

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. The good thing for Larry is that this one won’t cost him anything on legal fees, because he had already filled the divorce-lawyer-punch card.

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. Isn’t it time he hooked up with Elizabeth Taylor already?

CNN host Larry King and wife Shawn Southwick filed for divorce in California today, citing irreconcilable differences. Yeah 200 years difference between each other…

Larry King has filed for divorce from his 7th wife. It’s rumored that she’s had an affair with a little league coach… Not true… he wasn’t that little…

According to tabloids in England, a woman in Manchester that fell from her Wii Fit board is now a sex addict and gets aroused with the minimum vibration. Apparently, you have to have a really FIT Wii Wii in order to get a date with her now…

According to tabloids in England, a woman in Manchester that fell from her Wii Fit board is now a sex addict and gets aroused with the minimum vibration. Honey, I think I know what you are getting for our anniversary… a Wii Fit and some floor wax…

According to a new book, when times get tough, women start wearing high heels… and a lot of make-up, and short skirts and hit the streets to get money to pay the bills…

According to a news report Sarah Palin has made $12 million since July. Todd, has made the beds, made breakfasts and made some trips to the store to get food.

Nadya Suleman will be on “Oprah” next week. Oprah we’ll probably start screaming to her studio audience: “you got a baby, and you got a baby, and you got a baby…” all the Octomom’s kids…

April 15th 2010

Music director Rickey Minor will replace Kevin Eubanks as the band leader of the Tonight Show. Right after it was confirmed that a Minor was going to be with Jay Leno, lots of priests approached the producer to be booked in the show.

Kevin Eubanks' revealed that he is leaving "The Tonight Show". It was weird; you would have expected Kevin to wait a little and make such an important announcement on 4/20.

A new study from the University of Wisconsin has found that using Botox makes it harder to make friends, because people with Botox can’t show emotions. That’s why even Pelosis’s imaginary friends don’t like her.

Hugh Hefner celebrated his 84th birthday in Vegas over the weekend. I don’t want to say Hugh is getting old, but even the candles on the cake needed some Viagra to stay up.

Susan Boyle was seen yelling obscenities at her personal assistant when she was informed that her flight would be delayed. And if you thought she was mad, you should have heard the obscenities that came for the poor airport screener that had to body-scan Susan Boyle.

Eliot Spitzer says he plans to return to politics. His campaign manager is already preparing an ad where you can hear Spitzer’s dad in the background questioning some of his decisions.

A man jumped from the 42nd floor of the Manhattan hotel where the Los Angeles Angels' were staying. So many professional players and nobody could catch him?

A man jumped from the 42nd floor of the Manhattan hotel where the Los Angeles Angels' were staying. Apparently, he was dying to play with the angels!

A contract found in a dumpster at Cal State Stanislaus shows that Sarah Palin demands that the questions for the Q&A are to be collected from the audience way in advance. It is not unreasonable; you know how long it takes Sarah to write the answers on her palm.

A man in Orange County caught a 4-year-old boy who fell 30 feet from an escalator. It wasn’t easy for the guy; he had to fight off several priests that were waiting there to catch the kid as well.

Cops in Japan hid in a closet for 18 hours to catch a thief who stole $9.60. I wonder who’s been robbing Ryan Seacrest’s house for him to keep waiting inside a closet for years.

Cops in Japan hid in a closet for 18 hours to catch a thief who stole $9.60. When they come out they were all holding hands and singing Broadway tunes.

Yankees player Chan Ho Park admitted that his bad performance during the season opener was because he had an upset stomach. Weird, he was the one with diarrhea but the other team got all the runnings.

Yankees player Chan Ho Park admitted he had diarrhea during his season opener game. Now you understand why he had such a crappy performance.

Pamela Anderson seems to be in financial trouble after it was known she has failed to pay almost $500,000 in personal income tax. You see, that’s the problem most Americans have when they abuse plastic.

A Japanese company is selling a device that covers up the sound of your bodily functions in the bathroom by playing a loud noise similar to running water. It has different levels. Like if you are Kirstey Alley you can use the one called “Niagara Falls…”

The Dow industrials closed above 11,000 for the first time in 18 months. But it is because with all the unemployment Monsterjobs.com went up like 1,000 points.

The National Enquirer didn't win a Pulitzer for its reporting on John Edwards ' baby mama drama. The editors say they were not mad about it, but I can’t wait to read the next edition when they reveal the scandalous sexual affairs of Mr. Pulitzer.

April 12th 2010

NBC President Jeff Zucker turned 45 Friday. He celebrated his birthday in a very small gathering, inviting all the NBC viewers.

President Obama signed a nuke treaty with Russia. Everybody is downgrading the importance of this treaty because Biden didn’t say it was a big effing deal

Mexican police arrested a former producer of the "Survivor" television series on Thursday on suspicion of murdering his wife. Apparently, he voted her off the Earth.

The new Nike ad in which Earl Woods' voice talks to Tiger while he stands there silently is getting great reviews. And today Jesse James and Charlie Sheen were both seen with tape recorders chasing their parents to record messages for future commercials

Nike released a new ad in which Earl Woods' voice talks to Tiger and asks him some deep questions, like: Why would you have sex with the Perkin’s waitress?

A player of the San Francisco Giants wore a misspelled jersey Wednesday. Most of the Washington National players, would love to wear a misspelled jersey too; one that reads New York Yankees!

U.S. troops are blasting deafening levels of Metallica into areas where insurgents are hiding. It is a great way to get the insurgents out, especially when they leave their hiding places to complain that Metallica is so 90’s.

United Airlines and US Airways may merge. Apparently, they can’t wait to combine their efficiency to lose your bags together.

Prince Charles' wife, Camilla, broke her leg hiking in Scotland. Don’t worry; the vet said she’ll back and running in a month.

Camilla Parker Bowles broke her leg while hiking in Scotland on Wednesday. Don’t worry, Prince Charles is fine, he wasn’t riding her.

Bristol Palin can be seen in a new PSA about abstinence. I can’t wait for the Amy Winehouse one about drug abuse.

After nearly a year of tough negotiations, US President Barack Obama and his Russian counterpart signed a treaty to get rid of nuclear arms. Republicans are willing to support the treaty as long as we dump those bombs in Iran.

The US navy announced on Thursday that smoking on US navy submarines will be banned. We just let women into submarines; what are we going to do now after having sex with them?

The US navy announced on Thursday that smoking on US navy submarines will be banned. Not totally, apparently they will let marines smoke 15 feet away from the submarine.

Jon Gosselin is suing Kate for primary custody of their eight children. But if you ask the kids they would probably admit they’d rather stay with the only ones that feed them and give them water: TV producers.

April 8th

Sorry I forgot to post these ones a couple of days ago... I got more soon

President Obama threw out the first pitch for the nationals yesterday. Judging by the quality of the pitch, Michelle didn’t only hide eggs for the egg hunt, she might also hidden some baseballs, the ones Obama needed for practice.

British tabloids say that Tiger Woods will have up to 90 bodyguards when he plays in Augusta. It is not for him; actually, they are there to protect waitresses from Tiger.

Rumors are Tiger Woods is focused on the game, but still concerned he might fall off the wagon… and on top of a hot waitress.

If you heard a loud thud in California yesterday, don’t panic; it wasn’t an Earthquake; it was Charlie Sheen falling off the wagon.

Cox cable is broadcasting the Master in 3-D. It is a great chance to experience what Tiger’s mistresses have… Tiger’s balls coming at you.

A group that supports Marijuana in Nevada has offered Sarah Palin $25,000 to speak at one of their upcoming events. You have to be high if you think Palin will accept only $25,000 to attend an event.

Heidi Montag’s plastic surgery transformation was caught on tape and may air on a future reality show. The tentative name… “Young Frankenstein.”

According to a new survey, only one in five college students thinks oral sex counts as "sex". Who says Bill Clinton didn’t leave a legacy?

Producers are working on a porno version of "The Golden Girls”. Please tell me there wasn’t another guy on Facebook asking people to join a club so Betty White does the “opening” for this movie?

After yesterday's space shuttle launch, four women are now in space at the same time for the first time ever. If we were going to send 4 women, why didn’t we send the members of The View? They sometimes seem to live in space.

A new study has found that people with body piercings are more likely to drink and use drugs. Duh… how do you think they got their body piercings in the first place?

A new study has found that people with body piercings are more likely to smoke, drink, use drugs and have sex with Jesse James…

People that watched the press conference noticed that Tiger Woods has dropped some weight. Apparently, since the sex scandal broke out, his wife controls that he doesn’t visit any places with waitresses.

Inmates in Arizona are forced to pedal a stationary bike to generate the electricity to watch TV. Apparently, some of them collapsed during the Oscar ceremony trying to pedal until the end of the show.

April 6th 2010

The president of the Boy Scouts council for the Portland, Ore. area has testified that parents of some Scouts were negligent for allowing sleepovers that led to sex abuse. Some fathers agree: Father O' Hara, Father O' Malley, Father…

President Obama celebrated Easter at the White House. This year the egg hunt was tough for the kids because Michelle hid the eggs in a very secret place… the same place where they hide Vice president Biden.

More than 14,500 eggs were boiled for the Easter Egg Hunt at the White House. And today Glenn Beck has an exclusive interview with some of the chickens that laid the eggs to accuse Obama of murder.

The Republican National Committee listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. At least donors got to spend their donations on porn before the committee did.

Tiger Woods has his first public practice Saturday. He showed lack of concentration and a poor game overall. You can’t blame him; since rehab, he has not seen a single hole.

MSNBC celebrated Easter this Sunday, a day that remembers that Jesus resurrected to save our souls, to become president and pass the Health Care bill.

The White House confirmed Friday that Obama checked the box that says black in the census. Give us a break with the breaking news; first Ricky Martin is gay, and now this?

The White House confirmed Friday that Obama checked the box that says black in the census. I wonder now if Obama will have any chances to run in 2012.

Obama threw the ceremonial first pitch today for the Washington Nationals. He is like the ambidextrous pitcher the Yankees have, he’s always pitched left, but the drilling offshore idea proves he can also pitch right.

Jennifer Aniston has named her new fragrance "Lola V". So now you know; if you want your dates to fail, just spray some of that on you.

A great grandfather has become Britain's oldest-known new father at the age of 76. He is so lucky; he is going to save a lot of money in diapers because he can share his with the baby.

According to a new study, clever women drink more alcohol. You would too if you were smart and you trying to have a conversation with dumb guys.

According to a new study, clever women drink more alcohol. The study was done by a bunch of guys that wanted women to get drunk so that they could get laid…

A Turkish pop singer set a new land speed record for blind people by driving his Ferrari 182 miles per hour. When he finished he was excited but tired, not as tired as his eye-seeing dog that had to run next to the car.

British tabloids say that Tiger Woods will have up to 90 bodyguards because he is concerned some of his mistresses might show up and do a scene. Why would he hire 90? If he wants to keep the mistresses entertained he just needs to hire Jesse James.

Jon Gosselin had a birthday on Thursday. If you didn’t buy him a present yet, you can’t go wrong with some ExtenZe pills.

During halftime of the Michigan State-Butler basketball game on Saturday, President Obama played H.O.R.S.E against former NBA player Clark Kellogg. Actually, they didn’t play HORSE; when you play with Obama, you play UNICORN!

Cleveland Browns’ defensive tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested after he allegedly took a loaded gun into an Ohio airport. On his defense, he needed to be protected because he was on his way to meet Gilbert Arenas.

Nicole Richie has developed a line of handbags. They are very practical. If you are her size you can use them as sleeping bags too.

Over 1,300 people submitted photos of their backsides for a contest American Apparel held online to find the "Best Bottom in the World." I think last time I saw so many asses together was for the annual picture of congress.

April 1st 2010

President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch next Monday for the Washington Nationals. He fits perfectly in baseball, because like most of the MLB players, he wasn’t born in this country.

President Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch next Monday for the Washington Nationals. He’s been practicing a lot; he throws the ball and Biden fetches it back…

Everybody is talking about Pat Venditte, a New York Yankees player that can pitch with both arms. What’s the big deal? The Washington Nationals have players that can pitch with neither and they are not bragging…

Rumors are Democrats would love to get their hands on pictures of any of the members of the Republican National Committee at the bondage club in West Hollywood. Not every Democrat; Bill is begging those pictures never show up, because he was there as well.

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Don’t get too excited; the lesbians were Cheney’s daughter and her girlfriend.

A guest host for the Glenn Beck show said on his radio show that tanning tax makes the health care bill "racist" because "dark-skinned people" don't use tanning salons. To make it fair for white people, he is asking Democrats to raise the price of large condoms.

A new study by the German Institute of Human Nutrition has found that eating chocolate every day lowers your risk of heart attack and stroke by 40%. You’ll need a healthy heart, especially because it’ll be broken many times by guys that don’t like fat women.

A new study by the German Institute of Human Nutrition has found that eating chocolate every day lowers your risk of heart attack and stroke by 40%. And today Cheney’s friends removed bonbons from the list of possible presents for his next birthday.

Lindsay Lohan released a new single called Stuck. Apparently, she got inspired by her career.

Al Gore celebrated his birthday yesterday. Don’t let him fool you, the numerous candles were not because he cares about global warming and doesn't want to use electricity, he’s really turning 62.

According to a professor of Public Health at the University of Sydney, cigarettes may contain traces of pig's blood. No wonder after you quit smoking you eat a lot. You miss the bacon!

A man, who has become Britain's oldest dad at 74 after his wife gave birth to a son, says that his passion for bananas keeps him virile. Apparently, the secret is that his wife is an expert at peeling it.

According to a new study, drinking beer could help women fight obesity. Unfortunately, you usually end up losing the fight.

According to a new study, drinking beer could help women fight obesity. Actually, drinking beer gives some women the courage to fight the fat guy who is bothering them at the bar.

CNN listed the top ways to keep your child from being bullied. Unfortunately, the number one reason for your kid being bullied is watching CNN.

A newborn baby in Texas was denied insurance coverage due to a pre-existing condition. The pre-existing condition? He was Mexican.

53 cars were towed from a University of Central Florida parking lot while their owners were enjoying a Glenn Beck show. It was obviously something about Beck’s fans because they towed only the cars with the “I hate Obama” bumper stickers.