December 17th 2007

Hey there, I´m in Argentina for a short vacation. So you might find less jokes these days. Thanks all.
Pedro

McCain
Republican John McCain won the endorsement of independent Sen. Joe Lieberman on Monday. Some people believe this is another of those Lieberman´s sneaky moves, and he is supporting McCain now because he has the hots for McCain´s mom

Cursing
A woman who was cited for loudly cursing at her overflowing toilet , and then at a cop neigbor who told her to quiet down , has been acquitted on First Amendment grounds.
I wonder if everybody in Scranton that will curse when they get ticketed by this pissed cop is going to be protected by the first amendment too.

Shred
According to recent estimates federal spending on paper shredding during 2007 might almost double the amount of money spent in 2006. Apparently nobody told Bush yet that you do not need to shred e-mails.

According to recent estimates federal spending on paper shredding during 2007 might almost double the amount of money spent in 2006. The White House claims there´s much more useless paper to get rid of, like dollars bills.

Alcohol
A man almost died from alcohol poisoning after he drunk an entire bottle of vodka at an airport security because he didn´t want to hand the bottle over to comply with the carry-on rules. The worst part of all is that passengers had to be stuck in the terminal for hours because they could not find another pilot for the plane.

Heroe
A 9-year-old kid drove her dad to safety after he had a heart attack. It is great the kid knows how to drive because he might need to drive a taxi to collect some money to pay his dad´s hospital´s bills.

December 13th 2007

Hey I 'm in Newsday!! Thanks Ken and Newsday for choosing one my jokes, once again a true honor. Check the link here.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5498380dec13,0,4432255.story

Waterboarding
Some Republicans in congress are having a tough time explaining waterboarding as something that is not defined as torture. Apparently, now they are saying that you can see a video where waterboarding is used and the individual seems pretty exited about it: "Flashdance."

Bush
During an interview with ABC News at the White House, President Bush said he doubted he’d be standing there if he hadn’t quit drinking alcohol. Ironically, he wouldn’t be standing there if it wasn’t for the fact that more than half of this country was drunk in 2004.

During an interview at the White House, President Bush said he doubted he’d be standing there if he hadn’t quit "drinking whiskey, and beer and wine and all that." The President left the interview smiling and asking his secretary: “Jell-O shots don’t count, right?”

China
China has stopped granting permission for American films to be shown in its theaters. Apparently, if we don’t take their crap, they are not going to take ours either.

John Lennon
A lock of John Lennon's hair fetched $48,000 on Wednesday as part of an auction of Beatles memorabilia collected by the band's hairdresser. Meanwhile, Ringo’s barber cannot find anyone to sweep the floor after Ringo has a haircut.

White House
The White House released its annual holiday Barney-cam video. In one of the outtakes, Barney, the dog, runs away from Bush and leaves him talking to himself. Apparently, Barney said he was tired of picking up Bush’s doo doo.

Carson Daily
During the shooting of "Last Call," Carson Daily’s late night show, a bunch of striking writers heckled him for jumping the picket line. Ironically, that was the funniest moment of the show since Daily came back on the air.

Pilots
The House voted unanimously Tuesday to extend the retirement age for commercial pilots to 65. Now, knowing my luck, I will probably be stuck behind a plane flying at less than the maximum allowed speed and with the blinkers on

December 12th 2007

Recession
According to a new CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Tuesday 57 percent of the people now believe the nation is in a recession, the other 43 percent could not answer the poll because their phones got disconnected for not paying the bill.

Rambo
Sylvester Stallone shot the new Rambo movie which is set for release early next year. Where is the CIA when we really need them to destroy a tape?

Alex Trebek
Longtime "Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek was hospitalized Tuesday after a minor heart attack. When asked about the cause of the heart attack, a spokesman for the show said "What’s old age?"

Energy Source
Scientists think they have discovered the energy source of the spectacular color displays seen in the northern lights. Apparently, the energy comes from Al Gore’s gigantic house every time he turns all the lights on.

Scientists think they have discovered the energy source of the spectacular color displays seen in the northern lights. Apparently, the energy comes from my neighbor’s, Billy Bob, who just decorated his trailer for Christmas.

Scientists think they have discovered the energy source of the spectacular color displays seen in the northern lights. Apparently, the energy comes from Daniel Craig’s blue penetrating eyes, said a gay scientist.

Bobby Petrino
Bobby Petrino resigned as Atlanta Falcons coach on Tuesday with the team mired in last place in the NFC South Division with a 3-10 record. Fortunately for him, Michael Vick was in jail, because we all know what Michael Vick used to do with those that under-performed.

Christmas
A hotel chain Tuesday said it was offering couples called Joseph and Mary in Britain, Ireland and Spain free accommodation this Christmas, on proof of marriage and name. The hotel chain is insured on this one, because in small letters it also says that like Mary, you need to be a virgin.

Pardon
President George W. Bush granted pardons to 29 people on Tuesday from a variety of crimes including cocaine distribution, marijuana manufacturing, mail fraud and bank embezzlement. The president said he did it this early so they all have time to start their political campaigns in their own districts.

Robot
Former President Bill Clinton was speaking in Iowa City Monday when a man dressed as a robot heckled him. Apparently, Al Gore is still mad at the Clintons for the 2000 elections.

Former President Bill Clinton was speaking in Iowa City Monday when a man dressed as a robot heckled him. Bill said he was not bothered; after all, the robot still managed to show more emotions than Hillary.

December 11th 2007

Talking Jesus
Wal-Mart and Target are selling a Talking Jesus Action Figure this Christmas. Apparently the doll was recalled but was back on the shelves on the third day.

Environment
The director of the New South Wales state Center for Health Promotion and Research said population control "remains crucial" to preserving the environment. Does it mean gays are going to get tax breaks like those who buy hybrids?

Cheney
Vice president Dick Cheney said while talking about Democrats that they are not carrying the big sticks he would have expected. Apparently, he got the scoop from Larry Craig.

CIA
The White House has decided not to answer specific questions about why the CIA destroyed some interrogation tapes. According to insiders, the White House was afraid they were going to be called scabs if they release those tapes and gave the producers of 24 ideas for their next episode.

Lovers
American men are named the fourth-worst lovers in the world. Mostly because we still prefer to make war not love.

Guinness
A man made the Guinness Book of World Records for being tossed 118 feet in a car accident. He was featured in at least 20 pages of the Guinness book… one for every part of his dismembered body.

Dana Perino
The White House press secretary Dana Perino admitted to NPR that she wasn’t exactly sure what the Cuban missile crisis was. On her defense, the application to be a White House press secretary stated that at least you had to be smarter than your boss.

The White House press secretary Dana Perino admitted to NPR that she wasn’t exactly sure what the Cuban missile crisis was. She does look a littler bit like miss teen South Carolina, doesn’t she?

December 10th 2007

CIA
The CIA has destroyed two interrogation tapes. Worst of all the tapes didn’t confess to anything.

Spanish Debate
Univision hosted Sunday a GOP presidential debate in Spanish. The clear winner of the debate was Mitt Romney who apparently left the premise with several people to take care of his backyard.

Univision hosted Sunday a GOP presidential debate in Spanish. This time the candidates softened words on illegal immigration and all together decided to attack African-Americans instead.

Bad Breath
A Manhattan doorman has been suspended for having bad breath. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get his side of the story because none of the reporters dared talk to him.

Magna Carta
Sotheby's will auction a copy of the Magna Carta on Sunday. The White House can’t wait to get it. If they are lucky, people won’t even notice when they do the old switcheroo for the one they already destroyed.

Bush
President Bush lit the National Christmas Tree in the Ellipse in Washington D.C. Unfortunately, this year it was literally. He was playing with matches like the 10 year-old kid that started the fires in California.

Hot Tub
A relaxing soak in a hot tub came to an abrupt end when Marlene Todd came eye to eye with a cougar in her backyard. Apparently, the cougar left when she checked inside the hot tub and there were no young guys around.

Celebrities
An inmate lost a court fight to hang a photo of Jennifer Aniston in his prison cell. The inmate wasn’t sad because he said he was already thinking of changing it for a photo of Angelina Jolie.

It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage could have starred in both the "Matrix" trilogy and the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. Fortunately for the viewers, he didn’t.

Sandwich
A Vermont man claims he found a condom in a Burger King sandwich. The company spokesperson said that the condom was put there on purpose for health reason… to cover the finger that was inside the hamburger.

Jesus
According to a new survey, 25% of people say they don't know where Jesus was born. The other 75% say they had Jesus doing their lawn and he could be from Mexico or Guatemala.

December 9th 2007

Hillary
Gennifer Flowers , the one-time other woman in Hillary Rodham Clinton's life says she's considering casting her vote for the former first lady. The election is over, if Bill started recruiting voters from his black book the other candidate hold no chances.

Gennifer Flowers said in Las Vegas Thursday she may vote for Hillary Clinton. I don’t think that was Hillary’s idea when she told Bill they need flowers to lit up the campaign.

Jesus
A man who recently had a chest X-ray done swore he could clearly see the image of Jesus on the photograph. Apparently he ate one of those toasts with the image of Jesus on that you can buy on e-bay

Internet
JetBlue will begin offering passengers free internet access on some of their planes. At least when you have internet access, something will fly in those plane, time.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey put her star power behind Sen. Barack Obama on Saturday when she spoke to thousands of Obama supporters. People left the venue quite disappointed, not because Oprah’s speech was bad, but because they didn’t even get a free toaster out of her.

December 7th 2007

Have a nice weekend..... Pedro
Karl Rove
Karl Rove, the controversial and long-time senior adviser to President George W. Bush, is shopping a memoir in an auction that will kick off today. Publishers are fighting over it; the book is guaranteed to be number one after a Supreme Court ruling.

Mary Carey
Porn star Mary Carey, who ran for governor of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger, is auctioning off her autographed, recently removed breast implants. It is not an uncommon idea; boobs in politics have been on sale for years in congress, ask lobbyists…

Jesus
A man who recently had a chest X-ray done swore he could clearly see the image of Jesus on the photograph. He'll definetelyneed to pray to Jesus when he gets the doctor's medical bill.

December 6th 2007

Santa came earlier! I got published in Newsday! Thanks Newsday, thanks Ken, you guys are great. I really appreciate it, an honor.
Pedro
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun065489117dec06,0,4624251.story

Sherri Shepherd
Sherri Shepherd from The View said during Wednesday’s show that nothing pre-dates Jesus. Everybody in the media made fun of her; we all know Larry King pre-dates Jesus.

Jenna Bush
Jenna Bush looked really scared when, during the Ellen DeGeneres show, she made an impromptu phone call to her parents without warning them. Apparently, during those old drinking days, any phone call from Jenna coming from an unknown phone number were usually asking for bond money.

During Wednesday edition of the Ellen DeGeneres show, Jenna Bush called her parents, Laura and George. The president was great, it was really a sweet conversation; lesbians in the show loved Bush.

Hero
A seven-year-old Detroit girl is in stable condition after saving her mother's life by jumping in front of a gunman and taking six bullets. She now needs 3 more bullets to become a successful rapper.

Under 25
According to Forbes, Lebron James is the top earning celebrity under 25. In close second: all the kids that were part of the latest church settlement.

Awake
David Blaine reportedly plans to break the world's record for staying awake. The record is still in the hands of a dude playing online poker.

Kiefer Sutherland
Kiefer Sutherland was sentenced Wednesday to 48 days in jail in his drunken driving case, prosecutors said Wednesday. The actor immediately demanded to be tortured in jail, because with the writers strike he is in desperate need of new material for his TV show.

Miss California
Miss California has to give up her crown because the judges added up the scores wrong. That’s what happens when you invite Miss Teen South Carolina and four beauty pageants as judges.

Miss California has to give up her crown because the judges added up the scores wrong. Would you blame the male judges for not being able to concentrate with so many hotties around?

Knut
The Berlin Zoo's famous polar bear Knut, celebrated its first birthday Wednesday with more than 2,000 well-wishers. The party turned violent later when some teacher decided to rename it "Mohamed."

December 5th 2007

White House
President Bush attended Monday night a White House holiday ball for all three branches of government. Contrary to the first years of the Bush’s administration, not so many people wanted to take pictures with the president. Apparently, close to Christmas, nobody wants to have any evidence they have been naughty this year.

President Bush attended Monday night a White House holiday ball for all three branches of government. The only person absent was Dick Cheney who decided to go hunting instead. Everybody knows in Washington that when Christmas season comes, it is the only chance for Cheney to shoot flying reindeer.

President Bush attended Monday night a black-tie White House holiday ball for all three branches of government. The only person absent was Dick Cheney who decided to go hunting instead. Apparently Cheney invited several US intelligence officials as hunting buddies.

Iran
President Bush said that the fact that US intelligence confirmed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program in 2003 would not prompt him to take off the table the possibility of pre-emptive military action against Iran. On the contrary, now that we know Iran doesn’t have nuclear weapons, it makes easier to attack them.

Hillary
The Hillary Clinton campaign released the name of an essay Obama wrote in Kindergarten titled "I Want to Be President." Obama’s staff said they also had an essay Hillary wrote in Kindergarten and are willing to share the papyrus with anybody.

Pop singer Madonna said she likes Hillary Clinton for president. The material girl was happy and said she loves the support of the pop singer.

Gas
New York reports on a man that shot a semi-automatic rifle at a group of people in Southport after being teased about passing gas. The judge released him later on but forced him to carry a dog companion so next time he farts he can blame the dog and avoid any trouble.

Larry Craig
A newspaper published Sunday interviews with eight men that claimed to have had sex with Larry Craig. You see what happens when Broadway goes on strike? Gay people have nothing better to do than to start talking to papers.

Celebrities
According to Forbes, Lebron James is the top earning celebrity under 25. I always thought Nicole Ritchie was the top earning celebrity under 25… Under 25 Lbs.

Dave Chappelle on Sunday broke his own record by doing stand up for six hours and 12 minutes. Unfortunately, he still couldn’t beat Dog The Bounty Hunter‘s record for using the N word.

"50 Dumbest People in Hollywood"
The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood" list and Kim Kardashian is number two. It makes sense to be number two for someone that became famous mostly for her butt.

The New York Daily News has released its "50 Dumbest People in Hollywood" and contrary to everybody’s belief, Britney Spears was not on top. Apparently, the paper didn’t dare put Britney on top because of her recent weight and the fact that she doesn’t wear underwear.

December 4th 2007

National Debt
According to the latest numbers, our country's national debt is growing $1 million every minute. The national debt is almost growing as fast as the number of people that claim to have had sex with Larry Craig.

According to the latest numbers, our country's national debt is growing $1 million every minute. The Bush administration called its best economists and came up with a solution to save money: a 23-hour day.

Imus
Don Imus returned to the airwaves Monday on WABC in New York City. He couldn’t help it and used the same words he had used on the Rutgers team to describe another team. Fortunately for him, it was the New York Knicks so everybody agreed.

Don Imus returned to the airwaves Monday on WABC in New York City with a new female black co-host and a male black sport reporter. I can’t wait for Imus to make a stupid remark about a Latino soccer team, because my buddy, Jose, and I are in desperate need of a good paying job.

Iowa
A storm system slid across the Northeast with snow leaving several people in Iowa without power, among them Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani.

Iran
A new assessment by American intelligence agencies concludes that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003 and that the program remains frozen. When asked about his recent comments about Iran’s nuclear capability, the president apologized and said he had obtained the information from Colin Powel.

Game
A company is touting a new reality game show called "Who Wants to Marry a U.S. Citizen" that aims to create televised matrimony between legal citizens and immigrants who have temporary visas. TV executives said the show has no potential unless they change the name to “Who Wants to Marry a Canadian Citizen."

December 3rd 2007

Hillary
Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday by a person with something that looked like four sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest. Don’t you think some Republicans have taken the "we-have-to-beat-the-bitch” idea too far?

Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday. When the police described the individual as white, middle aged and with hate towards Hillary, the list of suspects became infinite.

Sen. Hillary Clinton told Iowans in Bettendorf, Iowa that she wants a long term relationship with them, not just a one night stand. On the other hand Bill said I’m cool with minutes.

Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday by a drunken individual who wanted to talk to Hillary. When asked about the incident, Bill commented that sometimes he also needs to be drunk to want to talk Hillary.

Pat Robertson
During Wednesday’s edition of Club 700, Pat Robertson told his audience that the stretching part of yoga is fine, but repeating yoga mantras is evil. He definitely needs the stretching aspect of yoga, especially to pull his head out of his ass.

Cat
A feral cat survived 19 days with its head stuck in a jar. That is not that impressive; President Bush has survived living in a bubble since 2004.

RV’s
Time Magazine reports that 400,000 Americans live full time in luxurious motor home, with prices that range from $300,000 to $1,000,000. Actually, they live in old beat up cars, but what makes them so expensive is that their gas tanks are full.

Restrooms
In London, they've introduced a text messaging service that tells cell phone users where the nearest public toilet is located. It’ll replace the old Morse code system that was deciphering that foot-tapping sound coming from inside the stalls.

December 2nd 2007

Hillary
There was a hostage situation Friday at Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign office. Police didn’t react fast, apparently they thought Hillary has taken Bill hostage again because he had plans to go out during the weekend.

Giuliani
During the Republican Presidential Debate Thursday, Rudy Giuliani said he read the bible many times. Probably the ones they keep in the hotels while he was waiting for the mistress to show up.

Britney
TMZ showed a video where you can see Britney Spears entering a library not to read any book but rather to buy Starbucks coffee. Apparently she had just visited a museum where she bought the small doughnuts at its vending machine.

TMZ showed a video where you can see Britney Spears entering a library not to read any book but rather to buy Starbucks coffee. Apparently when Britney wants to read she goes to a restaurant and grabs the menu.

Celebrities
Pamela Anderson said she’ll retire in 5 years. Her rack though will continue working after she dies.
Pamela Anderson said she’ll retire in 5 years. I thought she retired after Baywatch.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly got drunk over Thanksgiving weekend. Would you blame her with the family reunion she probably had?