December 18th 2008

According to the U.S. Fire Administration, there are 11,600 fires every December 24th, 25th and 26th. Mostly from people setting on fire some of the ugly presents they get for Christmas.

A company created an Amber alert for pets. Apparently, they will warn you when Michael Vick gets out of jail.

According to a new survey, the older you are, the more TV you watch. Apparently, Alzheimer helps you forget how horrible some of the shows are.

A baby in Colorado was born with a foot growing out of his brain. Ain't that a kick in the head?

On Tuesday, researchers from the University of South Carolina released the "Death Map" which is a county-by-county look at which natural disasters kill the most Americans. Not surprisingly, the Bush administration took the number one spot.

Chrysler announced today that it will close all 30 of its auto manufacturing plants for at least a month starting at the end of shifts on Friday. Unfortunately, the workers will read about this on Sunday, the only day the Detroit papers are now delivering it . . .

A German politician suggested that the nation's poor should take jobs as rat catchers. And then he realized that if that happens, most of his politicians friends will be at risk.

Walmart will make a birthday cake for a Pennsylvania 3 year-old named Adolf Hitler Campbell. And not only that; they will make it with lots of extra white frosting.

Burger King is selling a body spray for men that smells like flame-broiled meat. And now you know Bill Clinton’s hidden secret to attract his prays.

Burger King is selling a body spray for men that smells like flame-broiled meat. It is the same smell they spray on whatever they use as meat in their burgers.

Burger King is selling a body spray for men that smells like flame-broiled meat. A great vegetarian repellent.

A new study found that heavy snorers burn more calories than people who don't snore. And today I’m going to force my wife to watch the movie "The Guru" over and over again.
"Time" magazine has named Barack Obama as their "Person of the Year". And WhitePride magazine the worst.

A Japanese newspaper reported on Tuesday that a 60-year-old man who was thrown into the air in celebration at his retirement party died after his colleagues failed to catch him and he fell to the floor. "Always the same party pooper," said all the people at the office.

December 17th 2008

According to a new study from the University of Michigan, men who are the most conservative with their money have had an average of three partners in the last five years. It means that the Bush administration has had more tail than Charlie Sheen.

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino showed up with a black eye during a press conference on Thursday. I guess next time Helen Thomas has a question, she’ll be given the chance to ask it...

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino was hit by a microphone during the shoe attack against president Bush. Apparently the microphone got tired of having to carry her stupid message for such a long time and decided to retaliate .

The Iraqi reporter who threw his shoes at Bush was incarcerated. His possible punishment" Hung with shoelaces.

A new saliva test can predict if you're catching a cold. Especially if you get spat by someone with one.

Peruvian traffickers were caught hiding cocaine in birds droppings. And today Amy Winehouse was spotted at the park feeding doves with some laxatives.

According to an Ob/Gyn named Dr. Christiane Northrup, it is possible to have an orgasm while giving birth. I always suspected the woman from "17 kids and counting" was kind of a slut.

A guy in Delaware hired a hitman to castrate his former son-in-law. Luckily for him, his daughter has taken care of that already.

Call to the national domestic violence hotline were up 18% in October. So, it is true, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown got back together.

December 16th 2008

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. Now Halliburton was given a concession to open a chain of shoe stores the same day Cheney announced Bush will go on tour in Iraq.

Some experts questioned the slow reaction of the U.S. Secret Service after the shoe incident in Iraq. "We’re are not going to be unprepared anymore," said the secret service chief; "from now onwards, every agent will be equipped with foot powder."

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. The toss was so quick and powerful that the Yankees have started negotiations to get him for the next season.

The daughters of Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards were in a car accident with their nanny. "Is the nanny OK?" asked Charlie Sheen immediately after the accident.

A supermarket in New Jersey refused to make a birthday cake for a 3-year-old because his name is Adolf Hitler. Fortunately for the Kid, Mel Gibson heard about it and threw the biggest party ever for him.

A supermarket in New Jersey refused to make a birthday cake for a 3-year-old because his name is Adolf Hitler. The parents didn’t complain; the kid is great with the oven and can bake his own.

A cat in Godshill, Isle of Wight was nearly blind and got contact lenses. Now the cat can see who he ignores.

A new study finds more Spanish-speaking U.S. immigrants are becoming fluent in English. Apparently, they have more Americans to practice with while waiting to be picked up at Home Depot.

A prophet in Utah says that there will be riots in the U.S. around Christmas, which will prompt Russia to launch a nuclear attack killing and preventing Obama from becoming president. All that for a stupid doll?!

A prophet in Utah says that there will be riots in the U.S. around Christmas, which will prompt Russia to launch a nuclear attack killing and preventing Obama from becoming president. Unfortunately, his prediction loses all validity because he also prognosticated that the Oklahoma Thunders will win the NBA tittle.

Scientists say that erectile dysfunction is a 2 to 3 year indicator of a heart attack. Apparently, people can’t handle the emotion when they finally get an erection.

Dell is offering customer support agents from North America but for a higher price. The rate varies though; it costs less if the computer tech guy comes from any of the states in the south.

A loggerhead sea turtle was found nearly frozen by volunteers from the Massachusetts Audubon Sanctuary at Wellfleet Bay. The biologists slowly warmed it in water with potatoes and carrots.

Paul Anka was attacked by his wife who threw an ice cube at him. And for the first time in a long time, Paul Anka was cool again.

December 15th 2008

Shoes
An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. And now his family won’t have anything to eat next week.

A man threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. Judging by Bush’s quick reaction, the president must have been pissing off Laura lately coming late from the bar.

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. The president ducked, lame ducked both throws.

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. The president successfully ducked both throws. When asked how he did it, he said he was like Neo in the Matrix...

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. And millions of Americans wanted to put themselves in the Iraqi reporter’s shoes.

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. If this idea catches up among reporters, Bush is going to have more shoes that Imelda Marcos.

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. The shoes were size 10. After an arduous investigation, the Bush administration’s intelligence service determined that Iraqis have small penises.

An Iraqi reporter threw his shoes at President George W. Bush during the president's farewell trip to Iraq. And from now onwards MSNBC reporters will be forced to attend Bush’s press conferences barefoot.

Newspapers
The Detroit News and Detroit Free Press might cut home delivery to three days a week for people that want a cheaper delivery option. And for those who really, really want to save money, the paper has a plan to deliver it only the days the Detroit Lions win a game.

Economy
Two high school teachers stuck to an extreme grocery budget for a month and ate on $1 a day. The hardest thing was to poop the quarters.

Republican senators blocked the $14 billion package to rescue the automaker companies because the union workers didn’t want to reduce their salaries. The senators want the workers to feel the same pain they are feeling now that lobbyist have lowered their salaries too.

In the news
According to a recent study, 12.5% of Hispanic men suffer from erectile dysfunction. Apparently, not all the wives that hire them to work on their gardens look like the ones in Desperate
Housewives.

A study says that obesity may raise the risk of headaches, especially on the guy the fatty stepped on.

Oprah Winfrey says that she now weighs 200 pounds. Apparently, now the O of her magazine is for obese.

A group of more than 40 women in Naples, Italy, said they will withhold sex if their husbands or boyfriends set off fireworks during the holiday season. Apparently, having sex with husbands with no fingers is not that enjoyable.

On New Year's Eve, a leap second will be added to the clock just before 7:00 P.M. Eastern. And that gives Seth Rogan the chance to complete 5 more movies this year.

December 12th 2008

Friday Leftovers..... hey everybody feel free to send me an e-mail with comments, ideas, suggestions at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.....


The movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" was nominated for a Golden Globe Thursday. It’s the story of a man who is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers.


According to a recent survey, 1,500 Americans suffer eye injuries from a cork shooting out of a champagne bottle. Those AIG CEO’s better start celebrating with something else.

Some of the McCain-Palin regional headquarters are selling all of their office equipment. Apparently, they were selling computers, furniture, and Joe the plumber.

Some of the McCain-Palin regional headquarters are selling all of their office equipment. Apparently, they were selling computers, furniture and Bristol Palin’s engagement ring.

According to a new unemployment study, well-paid professionals like lawyers are joining the rapidly expanding unemployment rolls. Fortunately, politicians are working hard to reduce those numbers by hiring them after they are caught breaking the law.

Sean Hannity has decided to go it alone, rather than find a replacement for Alan Colmes. Apparently, he’s hoping to win at least 40% of the arguments now that he’s only debating himself.

According to a new scientific research, Jesus wasn't born in December. Apparently, the Virgin Mary made it up so she wouldn’t have to buy two presents: one for his birthday and one for Christmas.

President-elect Barack Obama said he’ll be sworn in as Barack Hussein Obama because the tradition is that they use all three names. “It is not true,” said Dick Cheney, who didn’t swear as Richard "Beelzebub" Cheney.

December 11th 2008

Hey I'm featured in Newsday! Thank to Mr Rasak and the people at Newsday for publishing one of my jokes, it is an honor to be there. Please be sure to check here

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5960125dec11,0,7385965.story

Rod Blagojevich
Gov. Rod Blagojevich told the media Monday that they can tape him, that he didn’t mind. And today his lawyers followed his orders and taped his mouth so he would shut up and stop burying himself.

Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. is probably the "Candidate 5" identified in an FBI complaint against Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. The other 4 are Tito, Jackie, Michael, and Jermaine...

Federal authorities on Wednesday identified Democratic Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. of Illinois as the "Candidate 5" mentioned in an FBI complaint against Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Why do you think his father cried when Obama won the elections? He knew his castration comments against Obama would have some consequences...

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was taped trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat for lots of money and all sort of things in exchange. Maybe if the Cubs had hired him to sell seats for the team, they wouldn’t have such a financial crisis

Inauguration Day
According to the National Park Service, there would be one bathroom for every 6,849 customers at the National Mall for Inauguration Day. The only lucky people are the old conservatives that will attend the event because Obama scares the crap out of them.

In the news
A volunteer Santa was attacked by a bobcat at a PetSmart store fundraiser in Mays Landing. This is not the first time Santa has been attacked by animals this season. Apparently, a bunch of young volunteer Santas encountered angry cougars at several bars in the malls.

The NFL is laying off 14% of its staff over the next 60 days. Sorry Lions and Seahawks fans...

Ricky Martin showed his twins in the new issue of Peple magazine. Did he finally get out of the closet and get breast implants?

December 10th 2008

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges after he tried to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. The case will vanish soon in the media, not because it is not serious, just because all reporters are having a tough time pronouncing his name.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges after he tried to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. “There go my chances to reduce my debt,” said Hillary Clinton.

Idaho Sen. Larry Craig on Tuesday lost his appeal in a Minneapolis airport bathroom sex sting case. He lost his appeal a while ago, why do you think he has to pay now for sex?

...Larry Craig will never get out of the closet; he’s having an orgy with all the male skeletons there...

There's a website where you can sign a virtual thank-you note to President Bush. The first one thanks him for his help in winning the elections and it comes from Obama.

Oprah Winfrey says that she now weighs 200 pounds. Trying to help Obama recruit Bill?

Oprah Winfrey says that she now weighs 200 pounds. Apparently, her pocket is not the only fat thing she has now.

Ratings for Telemundo hit a 16-year high in November, but just because Republicans were watching something they wouldn’t understand to avoid shows about the elections.

Fran Drescher is campaigning for Hillary Clinton's open Senate seat. So far, the main candidates for that position are Bill Clinton and her: someone people would pay to hear speak, and someone people would pay to make her shut up.

On New Year's Eve, a leap second will be added to the clock just before 7:00 P.M. Eastern. You mean we have to put up with one more second of 2008?

On New Year's Eve, a leap second will be added to the clock just before 7:00 P.M. Eastern. Enough time for the unemployment rate to grow another point.

Same-sex marriage supporters encouraged gays and lesbians to take Wednesday off work. The main excuse bosses heard today: “Sorry boss, I have the fever; I’m hot for Brad Pitt...” “Sorry boss, I feel a little bit under... under my boyfriend...”

Same-sex marriage supporters encouraged gays and lesbians to take Wednesday off work. The sales of cold medicines sore Tuesday because straight dudes would do anything to avoid getting sick and missing work.

According to a recent survey from Brandeis University, nine in ten Americans pray to God. The other one already got fired,

One of Detroit's largest churches placed some sport-utility vehicles at the altar and prayed for the auto industry on Sunday. I guess that makes it up for all the times the pastor dammed his car when it broke down.

Bobby Brown said Whitney Houston was more "negro" than he was, especially her right eye after a heated conversation with him.

December 9th 2008

DC
D.C.'s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs officials say there will be a lottery for street vendors to work around the National mall on Inauguration day. The winners will get to sell Obama memorabilia; the losers, Bush memorabilia.

D.C.'s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs officials say there will be a lottery for street vendors to work around the National mall on Inauguration day. And you know already that Hillary Clinton has all the winning tickets so she can make some money to pay her debt.

So many people are going to Obama's inauguration ceremony that it is estimated every person will have just one square-foot of space to stand in the National Mall. The equivalent of a duplex, if you live in Manhattan.

Obama
Barack Obama has reportedly chosen a $900 tuxedo to wear on January 20th. "He’s already overspending," said Imus, whose wardrobe for that day is a lot cheaper: just a white sheet with a hood.

During Meet the Press, Obama admitted he smokes an occasional cigarette. And today Republicans around the country started sending baskets full with packs of Pall Mall with no filters.

Happiness
According to a new study from Harvard Medical School, you are more likely to be happy if your neighbor is happy. I’m screwed, how is my neighbor going to be happy with a neighbor like me?

Procrastination
According to a new book by a Canadian business professor, procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world. The author promises a solution in his next book . . . which he'll start writing as soon as he finds some time.

Dinner
Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton had a private dinner Monday night. There’s no much info of what went down, but the media speculates both of them.

Gays
Same-sex marriage supporters are encouraging gays and lesbians to take Wednesday off work. And today CNN announced that tomorrow Lou Dobbs will be filling in for Anderson Cooper.

Wednesday is "Day without a Gay," also known as a perfect day by Isaiah Washington.

Same-sex marriage supporters are encouraging gays and lesbians to take Wednesday off work. And today John Edwards almost had a heart attack because he had a salon appointment for Wednesday.

Gay and lesbians are going to take a day off Wednesday in support of same-sex marriage. But you know that 100 % of straight people are going to show up at work earlier than ever just to avoid some suspicions.

Bush
The Union League of Philadelphia unveiled a portrait of President Bush... and no, it is not the typical painting of the sad clown you’ve seen thousands of times before.

Shrinkage
Pollution is causing men to have smaller genitalia, especially in the morning when the pollution is nocturnal.

Researchers say that the chemicals used in cosmetics may lead to baby boys being born with smaller penises. And you thought Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz’s kid was lucky for being the son of celebrities...

December 8th 2008

Bush
George W Bush presided over the lighting of the White House Christmas tree for the last time Thursday. He wanted the biggest ceremony ever and to make this Christmas unique. Unfortunately, his dreams of having a nativity scene at the White House were shuttered because they couldn’t find any wise men or a virgin.

The unemployment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made president Bush really happy until he learned those big numbers were not his approval ratings.

Obama
According to media reports, Obama’s mother-in-law will be moving into the White House. If she’s anything like my mother-in-law, Satan won’t miss Dick Cheney.

During an interview in Meet the Press, Obama said that he won’t smoke at the White House. His mother-in-law will be sure he doesn’t smoke, and neither do any of his interns.

According to media reports, Michelle Obama’s mother will be moving into the White House to help care for Obama’s daughters. Barack has something else in mind; he wants her mother-in-law to work as the official White House food taster.

According to media reports, Obama’s mother-in-law will be moving into the White House. Knowing this, you can assume Obama will spend much less time at the White House than even president Bush.

A group of people say that if Obama has nothing to hide he should show to everybody an original of his birth certificate. Maybe Obama is just vain and doesn’t want anybody to see his real age...

More than 5 million people are expected to gather in Washington DC for Obama's inauguration. And 4,999,999 will be security personnel.

Another legal effort to force state officials to produce a copy of President-elect Barack Obama's birth certificate has been filed, this time in federal court. Apparently, some people believe Obama was born in Indonesia, which is ridiculous because we all know he was born in Jerusalem.

Gas
The average gas price in the United States fell below $1.80 a gallon Thursday. The slogan "drill baby drill" has a totally different meaning now; it means drill and dig up the Hummers and SUV’s that were buried when gas was $5.

OJ
American football star OJ Simpson was sentenced on Friday to at least 15 years in prison for breaking in a hotel room in Vegas with a gun to recover part of his memorabilia. OJ knew he was not going to win this trial because one of the memorabilia items he could not recover is the only glove that doesn’t fit.

American football star OJ Simpson was sentenced on Friday for breaking in a hotel room in Vegas with a gun to recover part of his memorabilia. The bad news is that he might to spend 9 years in jail. The good news, his memorabilia is worth a lot more money now that he was convicted.

OJ Simpson was jailed for 15 years yesterday for kidnapping and armed robbery. He got away with murder and got caught for a silly crime. What makes me think that we should vote for Phil Spector or Robert Blake for office, because after what happened to OJ, these two are going to be the most honest guys on earth; they won’t even jaywalk to avoid jail.

In the News
Thousand of churches all over the country will have their nativity scene this year, a representation of Jesus’ birth in a stable. That shows us that HMO’s sucked even back then.

According to a new study, British people are the world's most promiscuous. Numbers are going to level though, now that Madonna is spending more time in the U.S.

There’s a new social networking website, TotalPrestige.com, designed to meet only rich people. Or, if you want to meet rich people, just go to a restaurant or a bar; they are the only ones that can afford that nowadays.

According to a new survey, more than one in three teens say they're more likely to engage in promiscuous relations during the holidays, especially those who receive the visit of a hot cousin.

According to a new survey, more than one in three teens say they're more likely to engage in promiscuous relations during the holidays. No wonder it is so hard to find someone to play virgin Mary at the nativity scene in School lately.

A new study finds that older people tend to feel about 13 years younger than their chronological age. It means Larry King feels like a 120-year-old rascal then...

There’s a new breath mint flavor, Uncle Oinker's Bacon-Flavored Breath Mints. A chick magnet for Bill Clinton....

December 5th 2008

Friday Leftovers! If you want to send some comments, suggestions, ideas, or just some love e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend.......

The Berlin Zoo is getting rid of Knut, the famous polar bear, because it is now old, all washed up, smelly, because it is not drawing tourists anymore and because it has growled at children. “I hear you,” said Britney Spears.

According to the British tabloids, Amy Winehouse gave her husband a little farewell sex before he went back to prison. He asked for it, because he knew that after that nobody in jail would dare get close to him. What if they caught a disease?

Some people in the media have pointed out that it is kind of ridiculous for the Big Three automakers to ask for $34 billion when the companies are now worth only $4 billion. And then you realize that that is almost the same profit margin of any car salesman.

Barack Obama told a group of donors in California early last year that his first international trip would be to Muslim Indonesia. Apparently, he chose Indonesia because he doesn’t need to go through the hassle of getting a passport because he was born there...

Bill Gates said Thursday he wants to help the Obama administration. That’s why today he sent Obama a Mac.

For the first time after four press conferences, Obama took a question from a black Fox correspondent. It was high time... Fox got a black correspondent...

Sarah Palin was credited by Senator Saxby Chambliss Wednesday for helping him win in Georgia. Apparently the fact the Palin wasn’t running this time helped a lot.

A new study predicts that in ten years, India will have over 400,000 millionaires. “Of course,” said Bush, “they own all the casinos.”

December 4th 2008

Economy
Auto executives showed up in Congress again Tuesday to ask for a bailout. They went too far. They dressed up as poor kids and sat on Barney Frank’s lap asking for a bailout for Christmas.

Politics
Hillary Clinton was nominated for Secretary of State on Monday. Her role will be to ease our relationship with foreign countries. Great job for someone that cannot even ease the relationship with her own husband!

Karl Rove said Tuesday that President Bush is not the worst president of the past 50 years. Bush promised that he’ll work hard this last month to not disappoint him and make it to the top.

Laura Bush said that the theme of the White House Christmas this year is Patriotism. They had another idea in mind. The theme was going to be bailout and as the tree ornaments they were going to hung the balls of the CEOs of the big three automakers.

U.S. analysts say that the odds of a nuclear terrorist attack against a major city within the next five years are very good. Unfortunately for the attackers, the odds of not finding anything to attack due the horrible economy are very good too.

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, the younger brother of the president, said he could be running for a senate seat in 2010. In other news, Jeb Bush announced today he is now known as the Governor formally known as Jeb Bush.

Book
A 9-year-old kid from Castle Rock, Colorado wrote a book called "How to Talk to Girls”. Now you know; if you want to get a great Christmas present for Woody Allen or R Kelly this is your chance.

In the news
NASA said Monday the tools left outside the Space Station will crash to earth soon. They will probably land in Congress after the other tools that finished their mandate leave.

According to a survey, digital cameras are the most popular holiday gifts this season. Apparently, most Americans want to take pictures of their homes to have something to remember them by before they lose them to foreclosure.

A person got three years in prison for having intimate relations with a horse. Today Prince Charles wasn’t returning any calls from the media.

The bodies of nine headless men were found in a vacant lot in Tijuana over the weekend. Americans lose their heads when they go for a weekend to Tijuana.

According to a recent study, speech therapist is one the most likely professions to cause a car crash, especially if they are on their cell phones trying to understand what their clients are saying.

Animals
According to animal experts, the oldest animal on the planet is a 176-year-old tortoise named Jonathan. It was Larry King’s first year anniversary present to his first wife.

The Berlin zoo is going to get rid of Knut, the polar bear. I can help; my wife needs a new coat for winter.

December 3rd 2008

Economy
The Three Big Automakers went to congress to beg for money. Congress is concerned; if more CEO’s continue asking for money, Congress will be forced to bring in extra security for their 4:00 am bailout Friday opening to avoid any potential trampling like in Wal-Mart.

A Southern California calculus teacher says he's selling ad space on his test papers to make up for a cut in his supply budget. The prices vary according to the student’s score; ads are cheaper if you get an F, because the student won’t show it to anybody.

The National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday that the recession is one-year-old. I guess that makes leaving Bush a deadbeat dad then.

The National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday that the recession is one-year-old. If we’re the ones taking care of this baby, why is it that we’re paying child support to the parents Fannie May and Freddy Mac?

Politics
According to some papers, Michelle Obama is to receive a $30,000 ring from Obama for helping her husband win the election. I can’t imagine how expensive are the rings Obama will have to buy for president Bush and to Sarah Palin then.

Bill Clinton's been mentioned as a possible candidate to fill Hillary Clinton's seat. When Bill Clinton was told he could replace Hillary, he immediately asked: “for two of 20?”, until he was told it was to replace her as a senator.

President-elect Obama is allegedly buying a fancy $30,000 ring for his fancy wife. “No, Barack, you have to screw somebody first,” said Kobe Bryant.

In the news
According to a recent study, women who smoke have a life expectancy that's 14.5 years shorter than women who don't. Today, lines at Indian reservations got longer than ever with husbands buying their wives packs of cigarettes for Christmas.

The Supreme Court has ruled that obese people have the right to two seats for the price of one on flights within Canada. Next time I travel to Canada, I’m going to wear all the clothes I had in my luggage, so not only will I save money on extra bags, but also I will get en extra seat for free.

A person in Miami is helping homeless people illegally move into foreclosed homes. I have an idea: why don’t we let those people about to be kicked out of their homes stay there and we save this guy some time?

December 2nd 2008

Bush
President Bush said during an interview that he was unprepared for the war, unlike Cheney that was training to cause one since he was a kid.

President Bush said during an interview that he’s spent a lot of time thinking about people who are losing work, or watching their 401Ks go down. Come on, that’s ridiculous, president Bush thinking?

President Bush said that most people voted for Barack Obama because they decided they wanted him to be in their living room for the next four years . If that was the logic behind voting, Americans would have voted for a Pizza Hut delivery guy.

Sports
N.Y. Giants receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan club Friday night. He wasn’t worried about the injury because he knew that even with one leg he would still be good enough to play for the Detroit Lions or the Seahawks.

A company called Atlas Sports Genetics is offering a new genetic test that can tell which sports your toddler will be good at. “If only this test was available a while ago,” said the Detroit Lions’ fans.
A company called Atlas Sports Genetics is offering a new genetic test that can tell which sports your toddler will be good at, or a the Chinese call it: Olympics Tryouts.

Lance Armstrong will race in the 2009 Tour de France. Apparently, he finally grew some ball and decided to do it.

In the News
Axl Rose is demanding an apology from Dr Pepper after the company botched a soda giveaway tied to the new Guns N' Roses album. This is not the first time Axl has done this; he also asked for an apology from another doctor: the one that did his plastic surgery.

Amy Winehouse is said to be working with lawyers to divorce her husband. Apparently, they’ll only need a credit card and a big mirror to divide their possessions.

The number one question on Ask.com this year was “How do I get pregnant?” The question was asked everywhere in the country except in Alaska.

The nomination of Hillary Clinton as a Secretary of State is causing some criticism among some of Obama supporters and some conservatives. Why would people be so critical of her nomination? After all, we all know Hillary doesn’t suck.

According to some papers, Michelle Obama is to receive a $30, 000 ring from Obama for helping her husband win the election. I can’t imagine how expensive are the rings Obama will have to buy to president Bush and to Sarah Palin then.

December 1st 2008

Economy
Gun stores across the country are reporting a big increase in business. Apparently, with the economic crisis, parents are buying more guns to fire back at their kids after they tell them that they can’t afford their Christmas presents.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said that the latest economic decisions have put the economy on the right track. Shouldn’t we veer a little bit to the left? We have been on the right track for the last 8 years, and the economy is wrecked.

Hollywood News
Whitney Houston denies the rumors that she is getting back with Bobby Brown. Apparently, this time she tripped and fell for real...

Anderson Cooper had the chance to swim against gold medalist Michael Phelps during the shooting of an interview. Phelps got a little upset and denied another mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Cooper after the reporter faked drowning for the third time.

Paul McCartney is having difficulties obtaining Yoko Ono’s permission to release a Beetle’s 14-minute improvised track, which features the sound of gargled water and strangled shouts from John Lennon. How bad does the track have to be that even Yoko seems to be embarrassed by it?

Brad Pitt is starring in a movie to be released soon in which he is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers.

Bush
President George W. Bush said he'll miss the food that the White House chefs prepare for him. Apparently, Bush loves the fact that he can say that he completed a first, second, and even a third course.

President Bush says he wants history to see him as the liberator of millions. He liberated millions of Americans of the oppression of living in a confined space, like a house...

President George W. Bush said he'll miss the food that the White House chefs prepare for him, especially because he doesn’t understand why Laura only cooks pretzels for him.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush had to be treated for ulcer problems. Apparently, the idea of his son spending more time with them after he’s done as president was too much to handle.

Obama
President-elect Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, said their young daughters will still have to do chores in the White House. They are concerned their kids could get distracted playing with all of President Bush’s toys that might still be scattered around the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, said their young daughters will still have to do chores in the White House, especially picking up the beer cans scattered all over the Bush twins’ room.

Studies
According to a study by Newsweek, office workers are viewing more porn at work than last year. Experts believe this could trigger more lawsuits by disgruntled ugly secretaries that are feeling ignored.

According to a new study, 64% of high school students admitted they have cheated. The other 36% are faithful to their teachers.

Palin
It was revealed this week that CNBC bought $300 in clothes for Sarah Palin when she gave an interview to the network. If that happened every time, with all the interviews Palin gave after the elections, she can probably open her own clothing store in Alaska.

In the news
There was a standoff at a bank in New Jersey between a swat team and a cardboard cutout police mistook for a robber. Still, at the end, police managed to arrest three black guys.

Uganda's police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious. The only thing most of the victims remember before passing out was going "BBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

The world's oldest woman has died at the age of 115 in Indiana. Evidently, not even surviving two great depressions and two world wars could prepare her for the shock of having a black president.