February 25th 2010

Oprah's people are denying that they're producing a Paula Abdul talk show. Rumors started circulatiing when a truck full of pharmaceuticals parked outside Oprah’s studio.

Life expectancy in Canada is now 80.7 years. Or way down if you‘re a Canadian that saw your team lose to the US team at the Olympics.

A University of Illinois study found that pleasuring yourself is good for your health. So Tiger Woods just added 20 years to his life after the 2 weeks in rehab.

A University of Illinois study found that pleasuring yourself is good for your health. “Not always,” said Stevie Wonder…

Tiger Woods apologized to the other parents at their daughter's preschool. We all men deserve an apology from Tiger because now any stupid waitress in the country thinks they can do someone as big as Tiger living no chance for average Joes like me to see any action.

Dick Cheney suffered a fifth heart attack on Monday. I guess now that he is not the president he needs to attack something.

O'Hare and other important airports will be getting full body scanners as early as next week. My advice? Pick the line with the biggest number of ugly women and men, it will move faster.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. Ahh… That is what Miley Cyrus is training for!

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. And today Chinese officials started forcing their babies to wear thongs and high heels.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. Competitors will be judged according to the number of $1 bills they get in their thongs.

Pole-dancing might be considered an Olympic sport in the future. I’m so proud my daughter wants to be an Olympian to pay her education to be a doctor!

After complaining that 2,074 pages were too many, Majority Leader John Boehner now says that 12 pages presented by the Obama administration are too little. It is like a lottery; how long will it take for Obama to hit the right number of pages?

A woman claims she doesn’t need to lose weight now after her love handles stopped a stray bullet. Maybe if she was skinny, that bullet would have missed her completely.

A woman claims she doesn’t need to lose weight now after her love handles stopped a stray bullet. Let’s see if the love handles can stop a heart attack.

According to a research, women make three times as much coffee and tea for the office every week as men do. Well, men are too busy surfing for porn online.

A guy is suing the Kansas City Royals for $25,000 because their mascot hit him in the eye with a hot dog. It's similar to the lawsuit that dude who played keyboard at the AMA's filed against Adam Lambert.

February 23rd 2010

A new study suggests that napping for an hour or so can refresh your brain, boosting your ability to learn. It is true, I took a nap at work and I learned I got fired.

Dick Cheney visited the George Washington Hospital after experiencing chest pains. Apparently, the emotion of seeing a black apologizing on Friday was too much for him.


Photoshop turned 20 yesterday. But after some airbrush, it managed to look 17.

The inventor of the easy oven died. His cremation will take like a month because he demanded to be cremated with his own invention.

Kansas is about to pass a law that would make it tougher for couples to get divorced. Apparently in the new law men get to keep their money after the separation.

After the press conference, some people pointed out that Tiger has gained a few pounds. Apparently it is part of sex rehab; they make you fat and unappealing to lower your chances to score again.

This just in: Tiger is planning on another press conference to apologize for boring the heck out of everybody for 13 minutes.

Tiger Woods and his wife played tennis after Tiger’s press conference.They both enjoy tennis, because “love” means nothing for both of them.

Bill Clinton says he's probably going to cry at Chelsea's wedding… because marriage for Bill is so painful.

A Florida couple held their wedding at a Ford Mustang dealership. A lot of people crashed the wedding… they were driving Toyotas.

Scott Brown shocked everybody and with his vote helped Democrats cut off a Republican filibuster of a jobs bill. I don’t understand the surprise; everybody could see he was leaning left in those naked pictures.

Scott Brown shocked everybody and with his vote helped Democrats cut off a Republican filibuster of a jobs bill. I don’t want to spread rumors about bribe, but both Harry Reid and Barbara Boxer where seen holding Brown’s daughter’s new CD.

Bob Dole is recovering at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center after surgery on his knee. Thanks to Viagra he won’t need a cane.

A Great Dane from Arizona holds now the Guinness World Record for the tallest dog in the world. The dog is so tall; his owner has to close his eyes every time he gets humped.

A Great Dane from Arizona holds now the Guinness World Record for the tallest dog in the world. The dog is so big; the owner had to get a bulldozer to pick its poop.

Fantasia Barrino, has beefed up her security after receiving threatening letter. She got several hatred letters before, but this is the first she understood one because it contains the drawing of man stabbing a woman.

February 22nd 2010

Ellen DeGeneres is demanding a $150,000 clothing allowance from "American Idol". That amount pales in comparison to the food allowance that Rhandi Jackson gets.

Bill Clinton blamed his heart problems on ice cream. His heart goes crazy every time he sees a young chubby chick licking them.

A man crashed his small plane into a federal building in Texas because he had a hang up with the IRS. Yeah you made your point, but now that you are gone, how do you think they are going to get money for the building repair? They are going to tax the heck out of people!

A man crashed his small plane into an IRS building in Texas because he wanted to make a point about the oppression of government and taxes. What a moron and you choose the day before Tiger Woods’ press conference?

Hollywood is already planning a movie about Joseph Stack, the guy that slammed his plane into a building because he hated taxes. They already have in mind two big actors for that role: Nicolas cage or Wesley Snipes.

A school district is being sued for spying on students using the webcams of school-provided laptops. The school is giving students a chance in life. If they don’t make it with education, they can always use the sex those tapes and get famous.

Chris Brown got good marks during a status hearing. Not as good as the mark Rhiana got on her face when he dated him.

Pete Townshend says his hearing problems have returned. Lucky him, at least he didn’t have to hear the crappy Who’s performance at the Super Bowl.

A 528-pound woman gave birth yesterday to a 6.4-pound baby. She gained the 6.4 pounds back at lunch.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty told voters to follow the lead of Tiger Woods’s wife and ‘take a 9 iron and smash the window out of big government. He said a 9 iron Joseph Stack, not a plane!

Actress and singer Hilary Duff, is engaged to a hockey player. Well at least she got teeth for the both of them.

The press was accommodated in a separate room during Tiger Woods’ press conference. It was doctors’ recommendation, they were not sure Tiger wouldn’t succumb to the temptation to one of the hot blondes Fox news reporters.

Tiger’s press conference taught my kids a valuable lesson. Success and money are very important, because only having both of them someone that boring can score with so many chicks!

February 18th 2010

According to a new survey, Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world. We’d better hide Snooki’s pictures.

According to a new survey, Americans are the most attractive looking people in the world. That’s why women have sex with in Mexico, not because I paid for everything with dollars.

A study says that babies who hear two languages regularly when they are in their mother's womb are more open to being bilingual. Damn! I live in LA so my baby only hears one… Spanish!

Dick Cheney made the TV rounds this weekend to talk about Iraq, torture and to plug a new season of 24.

In a new CNN poll, 52 percent of Americans said Obama doesn't deserve reelection in 2012. The other 48 percent want him gone now.

A six-month-old baby in England has shocked his parents and doctors by learning to walk unaided. Apparently, he was running away from his mom’s food.

A six-month-old baby in England has shocked his parents and doctors by learning to walk unaided. Big deal! In China, the same baby would have already won two gold medals.

The happiest state in America is Hawaii… Because they get lei all the time… I know, it’s lame…

An editor of the Daily Telegraph in England says that Protected by anonymity, internet users are becoming ever more vicious. “Who the heck is this stupid jerk?” Signed: “hotboy in Atlanta.”

A Canadian curler is five and a half months pregnant. Big deal! My wife is eight and a half months pregnant, and she’d better keep on sweeping the floors every day.

A new study has found that girls who play sports in high school are less likely to be chubby when they grow up. Unfortunately, in high school, my wife was part of the competitive eating team.

A guy in Wisconsin cooked his ex-girlfriend’s dog. Karma is a bitch and I’m so glad he’ll become one in jail.

Kevin Eubanks is leaving the Tonight Show. It is quite weird, usually black musicians stayed last in a sinking ship, I saw that in the Titanic.

February 16th 2010

Robert Pattinson said he was "allergic to vaginas.” It is understandable; he probably washed so many all his life being such a douche.

Youtube turned 5 yesterday. Actually 4, because it spent 1 year buffering.

A new study from Cranfield University in England has found that eating meat is actually better for the environment than being vegetarian. So ladies, if you don’t want to ruin the world, quit the bananas and cucumbers and call me.

A new study from Cranfield University in England has found that eating meat is actually better for the environment than being vegetarian. Who would have thought Rush Limbaugh really cared about climate change so much.

Another suggestive photo of "Jersey Shore's" Snooki hit the Internet. Right in time for Fat Tuesday!

An Ohio man set a record by hugging 7,777 people in one day. He also broke the record for stealing the most wallets in one day.

The oldest death row inmate in the U.S. has died of natural causes at age 94. Well, at least we saved money on his last meal.

A guy was caught drinking a beer while driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap. The man told the cops that there was no need to call his wife because he had already texted her while driving.

A guy was caught drinking a beer while driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap. He claimed he was sober because he’d been eating in the car while the little kid was holding the steering wheel.

Joe the Plumber said John McCain "screwed up his life." Yours? Everybody’s! Especially when he came up with Sarah Palin as his running mate!

Joe the Plumber said that he doesn’t owe John McCain any Sh… He wishes he owed him crap, because THAT he can get a lot of at work.

Researchers have identified the gene that predisposes men to cheat. The jeans with a big bulge.

Researchers have identified the gene that predisposes men to cheat. Now the dilemma is to know who to name it after with so many people so deserving…

A Swiss free diver has held his breath underwater for 19 minutes and 21 seconds, smashing the world record. Apparently, the previous record holders where all living in New Orleans.

A Swiss free diver has held his breath underwater for 19 minutes and 21 seconds, smashing the world record. He was immediately contacted by Guinness and tons of chicks.

A man is suing Oklahoma because they won't let him get a license plate reading "I’m gay". On the city’s defense, he doesn’t need a license plate to disclose his sexual orientation; the guy is driving a Prius!

A man is suing Oklahoma because they won't let him get a license plate reading "I’m gay. The city is willing to compromise and let him have one that reads: I love Glee!

A woman is suing a hospital for $30,000 for accidentally giving her the wrong baby to breastfeed, especially because the kid was 15-years-old.

The Red Cross collected $255 million for the Haiti relief effort but only sent $80 million to Haiti. I know Wyclef Jean’s appearance was expensive but $ 175 million is a little too much.

February 16th 2010

Bill Clinton is home after undergoing heart surgery. Wasn’t it too much to fake a heart attack so he wouldn’t have to have sex with Hillary on Saint Valentine?

Bill Clinton underwent an emergency heart procedure after experiencing chest pains for several days. Apparently the palpitations started when he saw the unveiling of the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Bill Clinton is home after undergoing heart surgery. The doctor’s advice: stay away from the fat!

The media is still talking Palin’s palm –notes incident. Apparently it is confirmed it wasn’t her handwriting, because if it was her those words should have been written with crayon.

The elementary school student accused of sexually harassing a classmate when he was 6in 2006, will get $160,000 in a settlement reached with the city. Can you imagine all the tail this kid is going to get now with all that money?

The elementary school student accused of sexually harassing a classmate when he was 6in 2006, will get $160,000 in a settlement reached with the city. The kid celebrated going to the strip bar.

The inventor of the Frisbee, Fred Morrison died last week. It was a very emotional ceremony, especially with all the dogs chasing the casket.

A 73 year old Florida man robbed a bank to pay his mortgage. He must be senile, thinking that banks still have money.

Experts are predicting there will be a small baby boom nine months after the recent snow storms. Mostly legitimate children as politicians in DC were forced to stay home and do it with their wives.

An interior designer is suing Anderson Cooper after she took a fall at an old Manhattan firehouse he's converting into a new home. Rumors are this is not the first time someone falls into Cooper’s hole.

The nation's first double hand transplant recipient has left a Pittsburgh hospital and is doing fine. Question: Now that he has another man’s hands, is it gay for him to play with himself?

February 12th 2010

Have a nice weekend..

Alec Baldwin was "rushed to the hospital" early this morning after his daughter called 911. Actually he passed out yesterday but the little pig felt like waiting a couple of hours to call for help.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. Authorities are now looking to charge Jimmy Fallon with first degree murder.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. It is true; every time Ted Bundy got bored he would go out and murder somebody.

A study has found that the lower a person's IQ is, the higher their chance of a heart attack. So is it considered suicide if you are a tea bagger and you are against health care reform?

According to the Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress and is buying a home on Bald Head Island. The story is fake; Edwards would never buy a house on an Island called Bald Head.

According to a new study, addiction to online pornography isn't a "major problem" unless you spend 16 hours a day surfing for it. Shoot! Houston, I have a problem

A new study from the University of Michigan has found that men who are overweight are more likely to survive a car crash. That’s why today I bought my fat son a Toyota.

A man smashed 29 flat-screen televisions during a rampage at a Walmart in Atlanta. Employees are to blame setting them to play the Glen Beck show.

February 11th 2010

Washington, D.C., is expected to get another 20 inches today. Apparently Scott Brown is back in town…

A 25-year-old man died during a sleep study in Georgia. So why on earth did they let Dr. Conrad Murray conduct the research???

Lil Wayne’s sentencing in a weapons case was postponed so he could have dental surgery before going to jail. Apparently the rapper wanted to have his teeth ready for the constant pillow biting.

Lil Wayne’s sentencing in a weapons case was postponed so he could have dental surgery before going to jail. His future cellmate Bubba suggested he should remove them all to enhance the enjoyment.

Governor David Paterson said that the only way he’ll be leaving office before he finishes his term is in a box. The box of the female assistants he is having affairs with.

The media don’t know yet who’s responsible for a billboard in Minnesota bearing the image of a smiling George W. Bush accompanied by the question "Miss me yet?” They know so far the message was sent to all the comedians that are starving since Obama took office.

A guy with tourette's is suing Starbucks for kicking him out after an "episode". He says he was discriminated because everybody inside the shop was uttering obscenities when they heard the price of the coffee.

Nancy Kerrigan’s brother was found responsible for their father's death. Wow another blow in Nancy’s life!

Tom Cruise will star in "Mission: Impossible 4". This time more Impossible than ever as he tries to kiss his co-star without elevator shoes.

February 10th 2010

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises in a televised gathering later this month. Apparently, the president got the idea from a Super Bowl ad and wants all of them sitting on a couch with Oprah in the middle.

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises in a televised gathering later this month. Don’t be fooled; he still doesn’t want anybody to see it because he suggested NBC as the only network to carry it.

President Barack Obama invited Republican and Democratic leaders to discuss possible compromises on Health Care in a televised gathering later this month. Ironically, members of both parties already called in sick.

Dear John is the number one movie in America. Women went to see it because it is a romantic movie; guys just thought it was John Edwards’ sex tape.

Unlike other times, fans were not allowed on the field during The Who performance at the Super Bowl. Apparently, they tried it during rehearsal but Pete Townsend kept screaming at them “Get off my lawn!”

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. Nature is very savvy; I really need strong bones, because after I drink a lot I usually end up in a fight at the bar.

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. Nature is very savvy; I really need strong bones, especially when I’m under some of the chubby chicks I end up with in bed after I drink a lot.

According to a new study, beer can be good for your bones. After yesterday’s Super Bowl, I feel indestructible.

Japanese authorities said they are trying to identify a body found inside one of the landing gear compartments on a Delta Airlines flight that arrived in Tokyo from New York. As soon as they come up with a name, the airline wants to charge the family with the ticket.

A man's frostbitten body was found inside the landing gear compartment of a Delta Air Lines plane after it landed in Tokyo from New York. Apparently, the man refused to pay the $5 bucks the airline charges for the blanket.

February 9th 2010

The big weekend snowstorms left a lot of people in Washington, D.C., without power. That’s why Democrats decided to call the storm: Scott Brown.

Last weekend’s snowstorm left people in New Jersey without energy. Not a big shock for the Nets which have been without energy since the season started.

The Who performed at the half time show of the game yesterday. This Super Bowl was a great opportunity for the band to be seen by millions of fans, and also to check some good nursing homes in Florida.

According to scientists, boredom could kill people. Authorities are now looking to charge NBC with first degree murder.

Jay Leno and David Letterman both appeared on an ad for the Super Bowl. Weird, because I thought CBS had rejected the gay dating site mancrunch.com commercial.

Jay Leno and David Letterman both appeared sitting next to Oprah on an ad for the Super Bowl. And today Oprah was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

According to Entertainment Weekly, Jay Leno was in disguise when he walked in the Ed Sullivan Theater (where Letterman does the "Late Show") to record the Super Bowl spot. In fact, everybody ignored Jay because they thought that was just one of Dave’s mistresses.

Everybody at the stadium and in millions of homes around America were screaming the phrase Who Dat last night, especially when The Who showed up to play.

According to scientists, boredom could be shaving years off your life. Finally some good news about my marriage!

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. Apparently, the thief that drove it away didn’t think of the danger of stealing a Toyota.

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. The car didn’t suffer major damages and neither did the two dead hookers Charlie had in the trunk.

Charlie Sheen's SUV was stolen and crashed off a cliff in Los Angeles. The main suspect so far… Tiger Woods.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. Apparently, she died of boredom because she couldn’t talk with anybody.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. Apparently, the waiter didn’t understand her when she told him she was allergic to peanuts.

The last speaker of an ancient tribal language has passed away. That should raise some awareness and make us protect the last person that speaks English in LA.

A research suggests that high altitudes suppress appetite. I disagree; every time I get high, I tend to eat a lot.

A research suggests that high altitudes suppress appetite. The difficult part is trying to get the fatzo to the top of the mountain.

A research suggests that it is easier to lose weight at high altitudes, especially if you go as far as the moon. There, you weight like 6 times less of what you weight on Earth.

Sarah Palin had notes written on her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. Her palm must have been all sweaty because I couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying.

Sarah Palin had notes written on the palm of her hand for her speech at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee. That proves she is fiscally responsible; she doesn’t want to waste money on teleprompters.

Cameras showed Kim Kardashian and her mom walking on the field at the end of the game. Actually, Chloe was there too but it was hard to distinguish her from the other players.

The Who performed at the half time of the Super Bowl. Unlike other times, fans were not allowed on the field while the band was playing, but just because it would have taken a long time to take so many old people with canes and wheelchairs out of the field.

February 7th 2010

President Obama spoke at yesterday's National Prayer breakfast. Sadly, Obama's prayers weren't answered because when he got into the car, he turned the radio on and Rush was still on.

A block of ice from an airplane fell into the home of a Las Vegas couple. Pilots were furious; the whiskey doesn’t taste as good when it is not on the rocks.

Former NFL coach, Jimmy Johnson, is doing a commercial for ExtenZe, a male enhancement pill. Oh, that’s why his nickname in college was “Little” Johnson.

Former NFL coach, Jimmy Johnson, is doing a commercial for ExtenZe, a male enhancement pill. You know; there was always a rumor in the league Jimmy didn’t like the deep penetrations during the game.

Anderson Cooper said that he is not adopting a Haitian kid. Apparently, he’s got enough changing Larry King’s diapers.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are getting ready to film a fifth installment in the "Fast and the Furious" franchise. Apparently, this time the “Fast and the Furious” movie is about Toyota owners.

In an interview with “Inside Edition”, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she is a hoarder. Lindsay said she has kept almost everything from the past 10 years, except her sobriety and driving skills.

President Obama invited top Republicans to join him at the White House for the Super Bowl. I think we know who are rooting against New Orleans.

According to "Men's Health" magazine, Boston is the least drunk city in America. Well, there hasn’t been much to celebrate last year with the Red Sox, the Celtics, and Scott Brown winning.

According to "Men's Health" magazine, Boston is the least drunk city in America. Well they lost their best player to heaven… Uncle Ted.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. I’ll take my chances and sit on the plane next to the big-breasted chick.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. Finally a topic I wouldn’t mind covered on the show “24.”

The Dow Jones hit a new low for the year; the stocks kept going down and down yesterday, like they couldn’t brake, like the gas pedal was stuck…

First the Corollas have problems with the gas pedal, now the Priuses have problems with their brakes. Poor Toyota CEO; he can’t catch a BREAK!

A New Yorker faces a $135 traffic fine for using a mannequin to get access to the carpool lane. What a dummy!

A man in Massachusetts was arrested trying to steal 75 bottles of body lotion stuffed in his pants. It took the cops 7 hours to catch him, because he kept slipping away.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested trying to steal 75 bottles of body lotion stuffed in his pants. I hope he kept one of those for when he has to give massages to bubba in jail.

Apple officials announced they had removed an app from its online store that allowed iPhone users to download speeches by Italian dictator Benito Mussolini. And today Mel Gibson switched to blackberry.

Facebook turned 6 yesterday. Weird… I threw a party at home and none of my facebooks friends showed up.

February 5th 2010

Have a great weekend you all!

Toyota acknowledged that their Prius has software problems and doesn’t brake properly. Unlike the GM cars that break all the time.

Toyota acknowledged that their Prius has software problems and doesn’t brake properly. Well, let’s be fair; the dealers usually promise that these cars never break.

Toyota has recalled thousands of cars. Unlike GM executives, who don’t recall last time they sold one.

Now Toyota Prius owners are reporting cases of gas pedal problems. That’s impossible! The Prius have gas pedals?

New research suggests your chances of becoming a professional athlete are greater if you were born in one of the early months of the year. No wonder the New Jersey Nets have their schedule busy with all the birthday celebrations they have in November.

Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, posted a 34% jump in revenue yesterday. And today stockholders begged Miss America Pageant organizers to have Rush Limbaugh as a judge again.

Only 20 people showed up to see Pamela Anderson host a $25-a-ticket "club night fashion show" in Miami. Apparently, those are the only ones in the world that haven’t seen her naked in the movie with Tommy Lee.

Governor Mark Sanford's wife says he dropped the word "faithful" from their wedding vows when they got married. Don’t worry; he also dropped the word “Honest” when he swore to be the governor.

Admiral Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told a group of senators that he is in favor of gays serving openly in the military. The meeting was televised by C-span and sponsored by mancrunch.com

Iran successfully launched a rocket carrying a mouse, turtle and worms into space for research purposes. Everybody in their space center was happy, except for the guy that reluctantly had to surrender his lunch.

A study says that excessive Internet use is linked to depression, mostly when guys check hot chicks online and then go to bed with their old wives.

President Obama told Democrats yesterday to stop looking at blogs and go out there to meet people, except for John Edwards. Democrats are safer if he just e-mails the constituents.

Miley Cyrus’ 9-year-old sister is launching a lingerie line for kids. Apparently, they are doing the fashion show in the set of “To catch a Predator”

The federal government now considers sex-change operations to be medically necessary so it is tax deductable. Perfect; with extra money, Chaz Bono is going to be able to afford the condoms and Viagra

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. We’d better start checking everybody; I’ll start with Salma Hayek.

According to British intelligence, terrorists are trying to outfit female suicide bombers with explosive breast implants. “I swear Saint Peter; I don’t know what happened, I started fondling this girl at the airport and…”

February 4th 2010

Alaska now has its own version of Groundhog Day. The governor signed a bill last year to make every Feb. 2 Marmot Day in Alaska. Unfortunately, when the marmot left the cave yesterday, it got shot by Sarah Palin.

The cast of "Jersey Shore" will return next season. According to some rumors, everybody in the show will make $10,000 an episode. You’d think they would be happy, but after all the money they spend on hair gel and spray tan it is a clean $5.

American Idol contestant General Larry Platt performed the song “Pants on the Ground” on a commercial flight from L.A. to Atlanta yesterday morning. Ironically, his pants were on the ground due to the cavity search he experienced before he boarded the plane.

Ashton Kutcher will appear on this week's "Saturday Night Live". His wife, in the History Channel.

Madonna and her boyfriend Jesus have called it quits. Reporters claim they saw the pop start already looking for a new date at Chucky Cheese.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has allegedly spent a hundred thousand dollars on alcohol while on board Air Force jets over the past two years. Her approval ratings are so low; you have to be drunk to dare hang around with her.

A banker in Australia was caught looking at pictures of topless women in his office not realizing a television news reporter was speaking live to camera just a few feet away. In his defense, it was a sperm bank.

According to a new study, employees spend almost half of the day worrying about their bosses. And of course, they spend the other half looking at porn on the web.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive, especially if you are lying out next to hot women wearing only a thong.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that an hour of “Sun” can boost a man's sex drive, especially if you just look at those pictures of hot chicks the British tabloid prints.

A new study has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive. Great; you are going to be able to hit on all the nurses that work at the hospital where you’ll get radiation for skin cancer.

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria has found that sunbathing can boost a man's sex drive. It is true; you will always see a smiling woman next to George Hamilton.

A 13-year-old girl in England has a rare disease that makes her look like a 50-year-old woman. Doctors believe it is a natural self defense mechanism to avoid being chased by Roman Polanski.

James Cameron and his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow are both nominated for directing Oscars. I don’t care about the Oscars, but I already hired a lip reader for when the cameras pan on the face of the loser that night.

Mo'Nique is considered an early favorite to win an Oscar for Best Actress for her role in “Precious,” though some experts believe she could lose by a hair... or tons…

February 3rd 2010

Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from its stump by members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle. Not to see its shadow… It turns out that Phil was just another victim of foreclosure.

Punxsutawney Phil has seen its shadow, which means the winter will last for six more weeks. Unfortunately, Punxsutawney Phil won’t be able to see it, because a mob of hungry people affected by the bad economy ate it.

Punxsutawney Phil has seen its shadow, which means the winter will last for six more weeks. He didn’t stop there; taking advantage of the cameras, Phil went on a rant against those crazy liberals that believe in Global Warming and gave Al Gore the middle finger.

The rapper Game is denying he's the father of Tila Tequila's baby. I wonder if John Edwards can say the same.

The Obama administration may investigate the legality of college football Bowl Championship Series. Obama believes the BCS is illegal because it could sometimes award a trophy to a team that might not deserve it. You know, like with the Nobel Peace Prize…

Researchers have developed a silicone implant which can generate electricity when squeezed, mashed or wobbled, which means that with my hands and Pamela Anderson, we can save California's energy crisis.

NBC expects 200 million people will watch the Winter Olympics. Well, I wouldn’t be so sure; they also expected the same numbers for Leno and Conan.

South Carolina’s first lady Jenny Sanford wrote in her new book that she got short of breath when she found out about her husband, Mark Sanford, was having an affair with an Argentine woman. If it makes her feel happy, her husband also felt short of breath every time he was doing his mistress.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. Honestly, if I’m going to die, I don’t think it is that bad to go after I saw some pussy.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. And today Larry King got a new huge dog.

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. The White House can’t wait to get their hands on this cat and make it “Death Panel Czar.”

According to a new book, a cat in Rhode Island regularly predicted patients' deaths at a nursing home by snuggling alongside them in their final hours. And today Rush Limbaugh bought a bunch of tuna fish cans, and left them opened by the White House’s gate.

CBS rejected another Super Bowl ad, this time for telling the viewers “Go to Hell.” Apparently, it was a travel agency promoting daily trips to New Jersey.

CBS rejected another Super Bowl ad, this time for telling the viewers “Go to Hell.” It is funny how different Networks are. Because “Go to hell” is exactly what NBC told Leno and his fans when they moved him back to 11:30.

According to a survey, one in four children have sent or been sent inappropriate material including pornography via email... the other 3 look at the real thing thanks to their teachers.

A Pennsylvania Goodwill store will launch a "Dump 'n' Drive" day, for Saint Valentine, so you can get rid of all your ex’s leftover belongings. So if you happen to go right after Elizabeth Edwards dumps John’s things, you will be able to find enough stuff to open like 3 hair salons.

February 2nd 2010

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape blaming the US for Global Warming. He should be thankful; at least he is going to be ready for when he goes to hell.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape criticizing the US for the effect of Global Warming. Apparently, it is getting too hot for Al-Qaeda when they burn American flags.

During the Miss America Pageant, Rush Limbaugh impressed all the judges when he danced frantically to a Lady Gaga song. Everyone was having fun until they realized Rush wasn’t dancing, he was having another heart attack.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. John Edwards was interested, he needed an extra one to go and have babies with other mistresses without being afraid they’d carry his DNA.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. If he offers the other one as well, Tiger might be interested; apparently his wife cut both of his testicles after she found he had cheated.

A man posted an ad offering his left testicle for Super Bowl tickets. What a ballsy move!

There’s a new type of morning-after pill that is still effective 5 days after you had sex. It is going to be quite popular; it gives women more time to investigate if the guy really has that much money or if he was just lying when he said it.

There’s a new type of morning-after pill that is still effective 5 days after you had sex. But, until the pill is effective for 2 years after you had sex, John Edwards is not interested.

Emmy-winning actor Rip Torn was arrested Saturday for allegedly breaking into a bank. Unfortunately, police couldn’t catch the guy that was driving the getaway car: Nicolas Cage.

Emmy-winning actor Rip Torn was arrested Saturday for allegedly breaking into a Connecticut bank and carrying a loaded handgun while intoxicated. He must have been really wasted to think he was going to find money in a bank.

Lady Gaga performed at the Grammy’s with Elton John. There are still people that believe she is a man, and next to Elton John she definitely looked like one.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood checked himself into rehab for the 8th time. One more punch on his rehab card and he gets his 10th entrance for free.

Miss Virginia Caressa Cameron is our new Miss America. She is the first African American to win since 2005. Harry Reid said she deserved it because she was light-skinned, and with no Negro accent.

A pastor in Connecticut threatened his son with a gun because he wasn’t attending church. What a way to scare the hell out of him.

The former John Edwards’ aid that has an alleged sex tape of the former candidate and his mistress says that tape is in a place where nobody can see it. Apparently, they are running it 24/7 in NBC.

CBS has rejected a Super Bowl ad submitted by a gay dating Web site that shows two male football fans making out. They are right; we have enough gays with the announcers of the game talking about the tight end opened getting ready for a deep penetration.