July 30th 2009

Madonna's answering machine messages from her past are up for auction. Don’t hurry up to buy them; you’ll need one of those old reel to reel to be able to hear them.

Kelly Clarkson's newest music video, "Already Gone", is out. Apparently, the video is about the food she purchased yesterday at the supermarket.

President Obama will sit down and share a beer with Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley at the White House. Can anybody tell the neighbors that if they see two black people at the White House porch they shouldn’t call 911?

President Obama will sit down and share a beer with Professor Gates and Sergeant Crowley at the White House. And you know Obama is going to side with whoever brings the smokes…

An approved resolution introduced by Rep. Neil Abercrombie stated that Obama was born in Hawaii. I’m not giving up; what does Fitch think about it? said a crazy birther...

Larry King and his wife may be getting divorced. Larry is happy, he’s filled his divorce-punch card and the lawyer is not charging anything for this one.

The U.S. government plans to increase funding to battle obesity. You think more government pork is going to help people lose weight?

Millions of federal stimulus money is being used to repair and build toilets across the nation. Quite logical with an economy that is going down the toilet…

A New York school board approved a measure adding pregnancy tests to high school clinics. Still teachers are pushing for DNA tests, so they will know which student is the father of their baby.

According to a recent survey 17% of women say they've only had sex with one person in their entire life. That guy must be a stud!

A website that helps married people have affairs has increased its traffic by 84% this year. It is called “GoneHiking.com”

July 28th 2009

Jon and Kate Gosselin may have actually split in 2008. They didn’t say anything before because they don’t like media exposure.

Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, because beautiful women have more children. Unfortunately, Octomom just debunked the work of an entire science team.

Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, because beautiful women have more children. I guess the study wasn’t done in the set of The View.

Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, because beautiful women have more children. Actually, it is not that women are becoming more beautiful, it’s that evolution is making beer more accessible to men.

An Illinois man was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from suburban Milwaukee stores. The police caught him, especially because he lost the cane during the robbery and wandered around for hours trying to find the door.

A Taser stun gun, capable of shocking three people without being reloaded, was unveiled Monday. And you know that those cops in Cambridge ran towards Harvard to find black professors to test it.

A group of Michael Jackson fans have launched a campaign to nominate the King of Pop for the Nobel Peace Prize. Well deserved; he took most of drugs off the streets and injected them in his body.

A group of Michael Jackson fans have launched a campaign to nominate the King of Pop for the Nobel Peace Prize. Sorry… a misspelling… the NAMBLA Piece Prize.

A group of Michael Jackson fans have launched a campaign to nominate the King of Pop for the Nobel Peace Prize. He’s done a lot for the kids’ safety, especially after he died.

According to sources familiar with the Senate, cosmetic surgery procedures which are considered unnecessary for medical purposes could be hit with a new tax. What are Pelosi’s detractors going to say now? She, herself, may save the entire economy.

According to sources familiar with the Senate, cosmetic surgery procedures which are considered unnecessary for medical purposes could be hit with a new tax. So Kate Gosselin is safe, because her plastic surgery wasn’t unnecessary.

The Gay Olympics are taking place in Denmark. The Olympic torch was never that safe with so many flames around.


Bill Clinton spoke at the first annual "Weight of the Nation" conference in Washington, D.C., which is an obesity prevention event. The former president begged the organizers to leave his dates alone.

A 70-foot whale had to be removed from the bow of a cruise ship in Vancouver, British Columbia… and was served later in the sea food section of the cruise buffet.

July 27th 2009

Mexico beat the US soccer national team 5-0. Apparently the US national team was formed by border patrol officers and that’s why they couldn’t stop any of the Mexican players.

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant. The menu consists only of very fast greyhound dogs.

Scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley are going to have a beer at the White House. And you know that after they leave the White House the cop is going to arrest the professor for DUI.

Sarah Palin said that people should leave the kids of the new governor of Alaska alone. Did you hear that Levi? Don’t even think of touching his daughter.

Traces of an erectile dysfunction drug were found in the system of a teen who died at a house party. They’d better call the doctor because he is going to be stiff for more than four hours.

Saudi Arabia chose its Miss moral beauty queen, a contest where women don’t even need to show their faces. Apparently, during the talent competition the winner showed her skills at not driving.

Saudi Arabia chose its Miss moral beauty queen . She probably won because she went to bed with the judges.

A 77-year-old man underwent a sex change operation. Apparently, he was tired of wetting his shoes, every time he went to the urinals.

A 77-year-old man underwent a sex change operation. I don’t think Chastiti Bono, wants to use the remaining of this old guy.

Some parents in Delray Beach, Fla., have complained about a bronze sculpture of a nude family at a shopping plaza near an elementary school. Apparently, fathers were tired that children comparing their daddy’s sizes.

A recent survey found that 18% of women would break up with their partners if they got chubby. And almost all of them would break with their men if they never got a chubby.

During the weekend, Alaskans had a three day picnic with Sarah Palin, an annual tradition for Alaska governors. They played tons of games, but nobody wanted to play with Palin because she would quit in the middle of the game.

During the weekend, Alaskans had a three day picnic with Sarah Palin, an annual tradition for Alaska governors. Food must have not been enough, because people were heard saying Palin was one sandwich short of a picnic.

According to Nielsen's latest look at online viewing habits, one in three porno website viewers are women. So it is not that I always forget to erase the internet history.

July 24th 2009

Conservatives are criticizing President Obama's pick for the next Surgeon General saying that she's obese. That was a chance Obama had to be bipartisan, because if it was for obese people, the Republicans have a lot of that.

President Obama is catching some slack because his pick for Surgeon General is overweight. It seems Bill Clinton continues putting his favorite people inside the Obama administration.

Gidget, the Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials, has died. Michael Vick was just set free…. Coincidence?

Gidget, the Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials, has died. Her wish will be honored, she’ll be cremated and her ashes spread in every chalupa served on Taco Bell today.

One in three 85-year-olds are still sexually active. The other two will also get stiff soon though.

One in three 85-year-olds are still sexually active. It’s true; my grandpa still chases my grandma to have sex all the time. The problem is that when he catches her, he doesn’t remember why he was chasing her.

Doctors in Romania removed two hammers from a guy’s butt that he had shoved to relieve his constipation. His neighbor immediately told him to keep those tools.

According to a new survey from New York University, two in five doctors admit they have a, quote, "negative reaction" to obese patients, especially doctors who have lost wrist watches during rectal exams.

Billy Joel is dating again. He’s not going to get married, but he is likely to “crash” a wedding.

July 22nd 2009

The world's oldest man is a 112-year-old Montana man. Hold on; let me check; and now a 110-year-old Chinese guy; give me a sec; and now a 109-year-old German guy... oh wait…

Whoopi Goldberg questions the truthfulness of the NASA moon landing. She must have a valid point, because if they can fake “The View” is a real TV show, you can fake anything.

According to recent statistics, every day, 417 black teens drop out of high school. But I don’t hear you complaining when your Lakers win a game…

According to recent statistics, every day, 1,202 black babies are born to unmarried mothers… and NBA fathers.

A guy in Australia got high on gas fumes, attacked a cop, got tasered, burst into flames and then survived the incident. And you dare say you had an exciting day at the office because you pranked your co-worker…

A thief in Florida was identified by his victims by his facial tattoo. Apparently, he had a ski mask tattooed to his face.

Republicans continue to say that president Obama is using some of Bill Clinton’s policies in his administration, and now some of Hilary’s pants.

In Utah, there’s a man that lives like a caveman on zero dollars a day. After the stupid sitcom failed, he went broke.

A recent study reveals that eating hot dogs can cause Alzheimer’s. Maybe that’s why Joe Chestnut is still wondering around a parking lot trying to find where his car is parked.

A recent study reveals that eating hot dogs can cause Alzheimer’s. That’s why that’s the only thing I eat when I go to see the Washington Nationals, so I can forget how horrible they are.

President Obama spoke on National TV about the Health Care reform. It was a smart move because he made so many Republicans sick, they might be considering now national Health Care coverage.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is being accused of raping a hotel employee that went to his room to fix his TV. You can’t blame him; he couldn’t watch porn in the room.

A hotel employee who claims to have been raped by Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is seeking at least $440,000 in damages from the player. She is not the only person seeking compensation, the player's wife is seeking for at least a $4 million ring.

July 21st 2009

Lindsay Lohan formed a new company called "Unforgettable Productions". So she is not making any more movies, right?

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean is writing a book that will be out in November. Or just wait a little longer and get better pictures in Playboy.

The Palins have started packing up the Alaska governor's mansion: a bunch of moose heads and tons of Palin 2012 T-shirts.

An 11-year-old kid in Ohio is selling all his toys to help his family earn money. Madonna was so moved by this gesture that he bought them for her boyfriend.

An 11-year-old kid in Ohio is selling all his toys to help his family earn money. “Thank you,” said his emotional father after grabbing the money and heading to the liquor store.

Music came up among man’s greatest achievements during a CNN survey. Apparently, they haven’t heard of Lady Gaga.

There’s a new i-Phone application that helps stoners find pot. It is next to the app that points you to the Taco Bells in the area.

Larry King continues to cover the Michael Jackson case every day. He won’t stop until he gets an exclusive with the very own Michael, and he knows that that can happen any time.

Chris Brown has apologized for assaulting Rihanna. So far, no news of him apologizing for his music.

During a speech, Obama mistakenly said that health care reform will bring about greater ‘inefficiencies’. No wonder his approval rating is going down; even his teleprompter is abandoning him.

According to a new study, the recession is the reason why so many Americans are getting fatter these days. Not everybody is as lucky as those little kids in Africa that live in such a rich country.

NASA admitted that they erased the videotapes of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon. Apparently, some alien dunked on him.


A study says that one in three black people is obese. The other two are extremely fit because they are in jail.

Make-A-Wish Foundation is refusing to take money from a bikini carwash that wants to donate half of its proceeds. Apparently, the wish kids have from women in bikinis is not precisely money.


The Brazilian Labor ministry changed the password for people to check their unemployment status after they complained when they were forced to use the word bum. The new word chosen is: Government leeches.

July 20th 2009

Economic advisor Larry Summers believes that the economy is doing better because a google search for "economic depression" brings in fewer hits than before. Immediately after those comments, the number of hits for “Larry Summers is a douche” went to the roof.

Economic advisor Larry Summers believes that the economy is doing better because a google search for "economic depression" brings in fewer hits than before. Has he thought that maybe people are so poor they can’t afford internet anymore?

Construction of new U.S. homes rose in June to the highest level in seven months. Analysts believe the growth will continue as long as politicians keep getting kicked out of their homes for cheating on their wives.

According to Vatican sources, Pope Benedict XVI has broken his wrist in a fall in the Alps. Yeah, don’t tell me he also claimed he went hiking.

Pope Benedict XVI has broken his wrist after slipping and falling in his bedroom, which is a more honorable excuse than admitting it happened when he tried to fist-bump Michelle Obama.

Pope Benedict XVI has broken his wrist and won’t be able to write for a while… a blessing in disguise for the Vatican that now has an excuse to avoid writing settlement checks for some time.

The famed hot dog's Wienermobile crashed into a house in Wisconsin. It is not a big deal; this is not the first time a wiener has wrecked a home.

The famed hot dog's Wienermobile crashed into a house in Wisconsin. You know that that whore of a house was asking for it.

The nation's first double hand transplant patient is doing fine but still can’t have feeling in his hands. You mean he doesn’t have to sit on them before he takes care of himself? Lucky bastard!

The nation's first double hand transplant patient is doing fine but still can’t have feeling in his hands. So when he puts his hands in his pockets he feels what everybody else feels… nothing

The nation's first double hand transplant patient talked to the media to say he is doing fine. Question: Now that he has another man’s hands, is it gay for him to play with himself?

A thief left a note complimenting the taste of music of the person he stole the car from. Police immediately started looking for the suspect at gay bars because the car owner only had Lady Gaga CDs.

During a discussion with Rachel Maddow, Pat Buchanan said that white people built this country. Apparently, they built this country on Rock & Roll.

During a discussion with Rachel Maddow, Pat Buchanan said that white people built this country. So my grandpa was right, those slaves were slackers.

July 17th 2009

Have a great weekend! Pedro... (you can e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com in case you have any ideas, suggestions, or drinks to send...)

Governor Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with an economic advisor this week so he could spend time with his wife. Smart move, because the economic advisor was about to tell him that he won’t have any money if he gets divorced.

California officials say that if the state legalized marijuana, it could bring in an extra $1.4 billion. And that only from Michael Phelps…

A New Hampshire man swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged twenty-three quadrillion dollars. Fortunately, the bank corrected the mistake and it turned out to be only half of that.

According to a recent survey, 82% of women say they'll let you have your way with them when you're camping out under the stars. Now I understand why so many people are having more sex in this bad economy, due to foreclosure most of them live in the park.

Pet airwaves started its service this week. I wonder if they have their own Terrier-rist list.

Pet airwaves started its service this week. The snakes on the plane are going to have a feast with the Chihuahuas.

Tennis player Richard Gasquet escaped a lengthy doping ban when the International Tennis Federation's tribunal panel ruled that he inadvertently took cocaine by kissing a woman in a nightclub. I don’t believe him, especially because he claims the woman was Martina Navratilova.

A giant mass of goo has formed and is moving through the Chukchi Sea in Alaska. Scientists are now looking for a blind whale.

A giant mass of goo has formed and is moving through the Chukchi Sea in Alaska. Scientist suspects that Bristol might have become abstinent again and teens in Alaska have to take care of themselves.

There's a new website for blind people which has downloadable, pornographic audio featuring actors performing in erotic mini-dramas. It is perfect because some of them probably got blind for spending too much time in other pornographic sites.

Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin was nominated for an Emmy. Isn’t it funny that Couric is mostly known as a journalist for two things with the same subject: Palin and a colonoscopy?

Farrah Fawcett received an Emmy nomination for the documentary chronicling her battle with cancer. Unfortunately for her, there’s not going to be time for that award due to a tribute to Michael Jackson.

July 16th 2009

Some media outlets said that it took guts for Obama to wear a White Sox Jacket to the All Star Game. And also to wear a T-shirt saying that he loves Olberman when he went to the Fox booth.

Rush Limbaugh repeatedly said during his show that Obama throws the ball like a girl. Ahh… maybe that’s why Manny Ramirez was looking for him after the game… to exchange make-up tips.

UK researchers found that having a lower than average IQ is in itself a risk factor for heart disease. So now we finally know the reason Sarah Palin quit.


According to a recent survey, 1 in 20 guys want you to roll over and be left alone after sex. The rest of them were doing it with their mistresses.

A woman was arrested and could be convicted for 13 years for stabbing her boyfriend after she caught him watching porno and playing with himself. 13 years in prison? That guy will need tons of tissue paper!

A Chihuahua puppy survived for three days with a barbecue fork stuck in his brain. So please if you see it, return it to the Korean Restaurant because a customer is waiting for its first course.

July 15th 2009

President Obama said that the number of unemployed people will continue to rise over the next few months. Mmm… I think his pitching coach is gone…

The New York Times reports that Sarah Palin grew so stressed while serving as governor that she began losing her hair. She wasn’t the only one; when she got nominated, I saw a lot of Republicans lose theirs… I mean pull theirs.

One of President Obama’s teleprompter screens fell over and smashed on the floor. Apparently, Cheney has not been doing any target practice lately.

A check that astronaut Neil Armstrong wrote the morning he blasted off for the moon 40 years ago is being auctioned. The check was to pay for the cameras, mics and the set to fake the moon landing.

Senator Ensign said he is not quitting. But he has enough punishment… his parents won’t let him watch TV or play videogames for a week.

A drug mule flying from Jamaica to England was caught smuggling cocaine inside golf clubs when suspicious officials asked about her handicap and she didn’t know what to answer. Obviously, her handicap was mental…

GOP Chairman, Michael Steele, invited minorities to join the GOP and said he’ll bring the fried chicken and the potato salad. He’ll have to fight Rush Limbaugh to let minorities in… and to protect the fried chicken.

582 drummers played together at the National Indoor Arena in Birmingham, UK, to break a new world record. And for a couple of hours there was no pizza delivery in the entire city.

A blogger who admitted to leaking part of the Guns N' Roses album "Chinese Democracy" was sentenced to a year of probation on Monday for disseminating so much crap on the internet.

Cheney Mason, a lawyer from Florida, is refusing to pay up on a one million dollar dare after a law student took him up on it and won. Cheney Mason, what a Dick!

A southwest flight had to make an emergency landing after a hole ripped open in the roof. Apparently, they couldn’t cover the hole because they had used all the duck tape to attach the wings to the plane.

A website reports that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found messages from John Mayer on her phone. Apparently, Mayer called Jessica to ask her who Michael Jackson was.

July 14th 2009

One of President Obama’s teleprompter screens fell over and smashed on the floor. Obama will now have 7 years of bad speeches.

One of President Obama’s teleprompter screens fell over and smashed on the floor. It was a big shock; Obama was speechless.

The British government is encouraging students to have an orgasm a day. And teachers are more than willing to help.

A Woman in Florida was arrested for battery after poking her boyfriend in his groin with her sex toy. Police want to solve the case fast because they refuse to sit on the evidence.

President Obama threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the "All Star Game.” He fit perfectly, because like most of the MLB players, he wasn’t born in this country.

A new study from the University of Sussex in England has found that cats can manipulate people, proving once again how powerful a pussy is.

Eva Longoria says she enjoys being tied up. I wish Tony Parker did it before she goes to shoot some of her stupid movies.

A suburban Philadelphia swim club has invited children from a largely minority day-care center to come back. They can swim freely from 2 to 4 am.

A suburban Philadelphia swim club has invited children from a largely minority day-care center to come back… just be careful with the new friends of the pool… crocodiles.

According to the media, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has pancreatic cancer. He denied it, and told his people he is preparing himself for the role of his life: The Patrick Swayze movie.

Berlin brothels are offering discounts to patrons who arrive on bicycles. They even charge you lees if you wear a helmet.

According to a new study from the University of California at San Diego, people who get eight hours of sleep every night are 12% more likely to die. Don’t believe me? Ask Steve McNair or Gatti!

July 13th 2009

President Obama met with the Pope on Friday. Apparently, Obama started the conversation with: “forgive me father for I have sinned. But Benedict, you have to see that ass!”

President Obama met the Pope last week. Apparently, the pope begged Obama to put a good word for him with his father so the Vatican can get more money.

Senator John Ensign’s parents gave $96,000 to the family of the woman with whom he admitted an extramarital affair. Now you understand why Sanford cheated with an Argentinean. When he asked his parents for money to cover his ass, at least it was cheaper to ask for pesos.

After three years of absence, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced the return of El Niño. Apparently, now that Michael Jackson is gone, El Niño feels it’s safe to come back.

Meteorologists believe that El Niño will come this year with an unusual ferocity. Apparently, he is mad because neither Madonna nor Angelina Jolie wanted to adopt him.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. When Obama heard she was 16, he immediately demanded to see her birth certificate.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. Fortunately for the president, Bill called later to teach him some peripheral butt vision.

A picture of Obama checking a Brazilian woman’s butt has been the talk of the media for the last couple of days. And when he got home, Michelle fist-bumped his face.

The camp director of the private pool in Philadelphia that pulled black kids out of the water claims he is not a racist. He said that he pulled the kids out because he didn’t want them to drown, because black people can’t swim.

President Barack Obama promised Pope Benedict on Friday that he would do everything possible to reduce the number of abortions in the United States. Then he bought a bunch of condoms to distribute among senators, congressmen and governors.

Kennedy International Airport was shut down briefly Wednesday morning when 78 turtles appeared on the tarmac. It was worth the wait; passengers of Southwest Airlines were compensated with a delicious turtle soup.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney directed the CIA eight years ago to not inform Congress about a counterterrorism program and on how freakish Pelosi was looking with so much plastic surgery.

According to a recent article, laughter is just as good as, if not better than, having an orgasm. So, my dates can’t complaint, because every time I get naked in front of them, I make them laugh really hard.

Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection. It doesn’t affect Cheney, but that will help save the lives of tons of lawyers that live near Cheney.

Barack Obama has extended Cheney’s Secret Service protection. The cost is always double, because you also have to extend the protection to those who protect the secret service from Cheney.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin said she might campaign for any Democrats that want her to do that. Actually, she’s been campaigning brilliantly for democrats nationwide since she was chosen as a candidate in 2008.

The pope asked president Obama to reduce the number of abortions in the United States. Apparently, Catholic priests are complaining they are running out of kids…

July 9th 2009

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. Larry King has been taken this drug for the last 50 years.

Scientists say they have discovered a drug that could help people live up to 10 years longer. I’d better erase the internet cache so my mother-in-law and my wife don’t see this article.

Magic Johnson spoke at Michael Jackson’s funeral, reminding me of all the money I lost in the death pool.

30.9 million Americans watched the Michael Jackson memorial on TV. And you know there was disappointment when no riots broke out.

Investigators report that Michael Jackson had a mini hospital in his rented home…….to play doctor with the kids.

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Immediately after hearing the news, Joe Jackson pounded Michael’s casket, screaming, we do it all over again…

According to Nielsen more people watched Princess Diana’s funeral than Michael Jackson’s memorial. Of course, Diana didn’t have Jermaine and Tito on stage.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly turned down a role in "The Hangover". Because she thought it was going to be a biographical movie.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. It is not bologni….And today , to honor him, I’m pouring some mustard on the floor

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. I wonder if they are going to use the Wienermobile during the funeral procession.

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the meat processing company that bears his name, has died. Today I ‘m going to raise my wiener half mast to honor him.

A New Jersey man has died after falling into a vat of chocolate. Apparently he was working on a new deodorant commercial.

President Obama wants Brazil’s help to convince Iran to scrap its nuclear weapons program. And Argentina to help him destroy Republicans.

July 8th 2009

Manny Ramirez got ejected after dropping his bat, tossing his helmet and flinging his protective gear. I don’t want to justify him, but it was probably that time of the month.

During his speech, Al Sharpton told Michael Jackson's children there was nothing "strange" about their father. The kids looked at Reverend Al, and said in unison… Come on, Al!

All three of Michael Jackson’s kids were at their father’s memorial. You could see they were overwhelmed and somehow scared.. they have never seen a black person before.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. Things have changed for him now that he’s out of office, the only thing he can blow now are candles.

President George W. Bush celebrated his 63rd birthday on Monday. He wants to be like his dad and skydive one day, but he is taking baby steps, so he started jumping from his approval ratings.

President Bush gave a speech on 4th of July and repeated the story of how embarrassing it is for him now to have to pick his dog’s poop. He has it easy, what about poor Barney that has to walk with him.

Political analysts believe that Sarah Palin should wait until 2016 to run for president. Unfortunately they are forgetting she’ll face her biggest challenge in 2016: Gravity… because when her ass and boobs fall, she’ll lose all her appeal.

17,000 people attended Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. And to honor Michael, most of them were brainless, like Jackson inside the casket.

According to a survey, 89% of women say that when a guy smells good it, quote, "seals the deal" for her. That’s why before I go out I usually rub myself with a $100 dollar bill.

Leaders of the South Carolina Republican Party voted to censure Gov. Mark Sanford, reprimanding him for secretly leaving the state to visit his lover in Argentina. Republicans get mad when a scandal breaks up because they are forced to behave and spend a couple of weekends with their wives.

An oak tree planted in Nazi-occupied Poland during World War Two to mark Adolf Hitler's birthday may soon face the axe if the local mayor has her way. Unfortunately they want to use the wood to burn books and to heat an oven.

A guy was arrested for pruning his tree with a shotgun. You can’t blame him, since he left the White House, Cheney is getting bored.

According to a survey most Americans think it's worse to gamble, wear a fur coat, or be gay than it is to execute a human being. That’s ridiculous, I feel like killing those people.

During his speech at the Jackson’s memorial, Al Sharpton pointed out that Michael brought all the races together. Then he ruined it by saying that Michael became a pedophile only when he started turning White.

Before his performance at the Jackson’s memorial, Stevie Wonder said that this was a moment he wished he had not see come. And his wished was granted.

July 7th 2009

An Iowa man was seen driving his car with a "Palin 2012" poster on his windshield. These Democrats would do anything to win again.

Tennis player Simona Halep underwent breast reduction surgery. It was to avoid injuries, apparently her boobs were causing tennis elbows to a lot of fans.

According to researchers, at any given time, between 3% and 4% of all married people are having an affair. That’s why I tell my wife I hike at the Yosemite National Park instead of the Appalachians, it is too crowded there.

Facebook offered streaming video of the Michael Jackson’s memorial. They advertised it on their site or if you were under ten you probably got poked.

According to last year's Durex Sex Survey, half of Americans have sex at least once a week. The other half could not afford tickets to Argentina.

A study shows that insomniacs can use the internet to help them sleep more. They are supposed to go online and watch the Sarah Palin’s resignation speech.

An 80-year-old Croatian died from a heart attack while pulling off his pants to have sex with a prostitute. Unfortunately for the old man she didn’t give him CPR, you know, hookers don’t kiss.

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

Four thieves broke into a plant in Frankfurt, Germany, and stole 320,000 pills of the erectile dysfunction drug, Levitra. The police is on the case and is following the trail of smiling women.

Did you hear that kids were not let in at the Staples Center for the Michael Jackson's funeral? Organizers wanted to give other people the chance to see Michael stiff....

A group representing "little people" asked the FCC to ban the word "midget" because they find it demeaning. So now Spice TV will have to call it Little People Bowling.

Low-cost airline Ryanair wants to offer discounts to passengers who buy seats that look like bar stools. First they will have to fight the pilots for those.

California officials are concerned with the cost of Michael Jackson’s memorial to the city of LA. Things are so bad, Arnold was spotted across the Staples Center selling Jackson’s t-shirts to raise money.

July 6th 2009

Mark Sanford’s wife quoted a passage from the bible when she suggested she might forgive her husband. Mark knows the bible well; he reads it every time he is killing time at the hotel waiting for his mistresses to come out of the bathroom.

Hollywood is very concerned with the number of celebrities that have died in the last two weeks. Oh my God, this year’s Oscar tribute is going to last forever.

According to a new poll, 3% of Americans think the media isn't covering Michael Jackson’s death enough. By 3% we mean, Sanford, Palin, and Ensign.

The Foo Fighters played for president Obama on 4th of July. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin played Lady Ga Ga… I mean she played a lady gaga when she gave the press conference to announce her resignation.

Obama is visiting Russia this week to pursue nuclear reaction and also to know if they have any clue of why Palin resigned.

Michael Jackson's fans can now attend his funeral by entering a draw. Complying with Michael’s request, kids under ten get free access and can sit on the casket.

Michael Jackson's memorial will be held at the Staples Center in L.A. Continuing with his plans to save California some money, today Arnold suggested also burying the Clippers.

Few people showed up to see Joe Biden when he visited a small town on the outskirts of Erie to talk about federal stimulus money that can be used to expand broadband access to the Internet for rural areas that typically have poor connections. Apparently, Biden sent the invitation via internet and some farmers are still downloading it.

Cortney Love said that she is planning to gain some weight. Apparently, she won’t have diet coke anymore, I mean her coke diet.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are expecting to open a show at The Staples Center a day after Michael Jackson’s memorial. If things work out for them, they might add a couple of clowns to the show, Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson.

Police in Nashville say that two women stole $1,000 worth of disposable razor blades from Walgreens. Apparently, the big moustaches they were spotting were not part of a disguise.

Sarah Palin resigned as a governor of Alaska. Nobody knows why yet, but please let it be that she is having an affair with an Argentinean woman.

July 1st 2009

During a press conference, Joe Jackson took time to promote his record label. So no only does he want to make money out of Michael Jackson’s death, but he also wants to take over Billy Mays’ career and become a pitchman.

After Michael Jackson’s death, the internet hasn’t stopped getting rumors of other celebrities’ deaths. So, I guess everybody in the show The Hills is safe.

During an interview with AP, Mark Sanford confessed he had had several affairs. His wife started to suspect something when he wasn’t getting fit even though he was going hiking almost every day.

It was revealed yesterday that Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s chimp, is alive. It is going to be a tough call for the judge now to decide if Bubbles could be better suited than Jackson’s parents to raise his kids.

Sarah Palin said that he can beat Obama in a race. Unfortunately, in 2008 it was a tag race and she was running with old McCain.

Another Airbus crashed this month. Maybe if we changed the name… I mean, buses are meant to be on the ground.

The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled Al Franken should be certified the winner of the state's Senate race. Apparently, they were getting too much pressure from people in Iran.

Michael Phelps had a birthday yesterday. He blew 24 candles and a huge bong.

The 5-year- girl that survived the plane crash in the Indian Ocean, turned out to be 14 years old. Wow! Those tough situations make grow fast!

A 14-year-old girl was the only survivor of a plane crash in the Indian Ocean. When they found her, the girl was so cold that she couldn't even grab the life buoy or twitter.

Gold’s Gym started a new "say no to cankles" ad campaign. Ironically, that is the same slogan Republicans are planning on using against Hillary in 2016.

A man from Pennsylvania was arrested for damaging a hotel elevator while he was trapped inside. He was charged only $500 after using the “I-can’t-stand-Kenny-G” defense.

There's a type of rabbit named after Hugh Hefner, and it's almost extinct. Because like Hugh Hefner, that rabbit is around bunnies, but can’t have sex anymore.