November 27th 2009

Ratings below 50%, the unemployment over 10%, the dollar falling, Palin’s new book.. I guess it was tough for Obama to be thankful for anything this thanksgiving.

President Obama selected the Prime Minister of India to be his guest at his first state dinner tonight. The choice wasn’t difficult; apparently Malia’s laptop keeps crashing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency vehicle zone. He later said there was nothing illegal about it because he is the governor of California which is in a state of emergency.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was photographed parking his Porsche in an emergency vehicle zone. Fortunately Maria Shriver called later from his cell-phone while driving her kids to school to apologize on behalf of her husband.

A Saudi Arabian version of Comedy Central is in the works. I don’t know, I think most jokes will bomb.

Adam Lambert kissed his keyboard player during his performance at the American Music Awards. And today Ryan Seacrest started some piano lessons.

Adam Lambert is catching some slack for kissing a man during his performance at the Music Awards. Who’s the lucky one now? Kris Allen could kiss, grab, do the 360, the 180 with a guy and nobody would care.

An Australian man claims a kangaroo attempted to drown his dog. And now the Eagles want to hire the kangaroo to play as a runner for them.

Researchers in Israel have discovered that low-intensity shockwaves can be used to treat erectile dysfunction. Be sure the intensity of the shockwaves is low, otherwise your entire body will go stiff.

Lady Gaga sent 80 pizzas to fans waiting for her appearance at a Best Buy in L.A. Ironically the one delivering the pizzas was Kris Allen, the last winner of American Idol.

A new study by the National Bureau of Economic Research has found that when an NFL game ends in an upset, there's an 8% increase in domestic violence in the home state of the losing team. So for the women in Detroit, and Cleveland, just move out of the house every Sunday and you’ll be safe.

A couple in Sidney Australia had sex in clock tower in the middle of a busy shopping center. You sure want to have sex with your partner next to a gigantic clock and remind her you can only last 30 seconds?
Yesterday was thanksgiving a day to be thankful:
for not playing keyboards in Adam Lambert’s band.
For not being Sarah Palin’s ghost writerFor not having to see Jon&Kate Plus 8 anymore.
For not having to drive by Biden’s motorcade.
For not having your daughter working as an intern for David Letterman

President Obama is scheduled to pardon a turkey this week, and today Bernie Madoff was overheard saying “gobble gobble, gobble gobble.”

Susan Boyle performed on the "Today" show yesterday. It didn’t sound as good as usual. Apparently not a single keyboardist dared play with her thinking she might pull an Adam Lambert and kiss him.

A man in China allows women to vent their frustrations by humiliating and beating him for $20. I got to learn from this man, my wife has been doing that for years and for FREE.

A man believed to be in a coma for 23 years, heard everything during all those years but couldn’t respond. It just sounds like my marriage….

A suspect was caught by the patrol dashboard camera eating incriminating evidence. Funny, he was being arrested for touching somebody’s privates.

In a recent study, researchers have figured out that the optimum amount of time for sexual intercourse is three to 13 minutes. I hope that includes eating the pizza and watching the ESPN headlines…

According to a survey by the Pew Global Attitudes, six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 work for Lou Dobbs.

November 26th 2009

Sarah Palin has made tons of appearances last week to promote her new book. She was everywhere; I think I even saw her at the end of the movie “New Moon” shooting some werewolves from a helicopter.

Roman Polanski said he can’t wait to see the movie “New Moon”, especially when he heard it was about a 100-year-old vampire trying to seduce a high-school girl.

Two missing fingers and a tooth from Galileo have been found after being taken from his body in 1737. Apparently, those were the fingers Galileo showed to the scientists when they made fun of him after saying the Earth revolves around the sun.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to slap him, spit on his face, and call him names. Why would he spend money on that? Had he worn a mask of the kids’ math teacher’s face, they would have probably done it for free.

A 39-year-old man paid young teens to defecate on him. It must have cost him a fortune, because we know that teens don’t give a crap about anything.

Jennifer Lopez tripped and fell on her butt during her performance at the "American Music Awards". So if you felt a little earthquake yesterday at home, now you know why.

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. Apparently, he bought tickets for a United Airlines flight, and hid in his suitcase

An Indian man has broken a world record by visiting all 194 countries on Earth in the shortest time ever. I bet his family reunions are going to be so much fun from now on, when he pulls out the slides and tortures everybody with the thousands of pictures.

Peruvian jungle gangs are reportedly killing people for their fat to be used in cosmetic supplies. Instead of lipstick on a pig, this is like putting pigs on a lipstick.

Peruvian authorities said that a Peruvian jungle gang killed more than 60 people and used their fat for cosmetic supplies. 60 people? If they had caught two Americans, they could have helped the entire line of Revlon.

The Senate's version of Health Care Reform includes a 5% tax on cosmetic surgery. Who would have said that at the end, Republicans would have to admit that Nanci Pelosi might save this country’s economy?

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming a program in which volunteers respond to letters to Santa Claus that accumulate at the post office in North Pole. Great, now Roman Polanski will have time to kill in jail.

The U.S. Postal Service announced that it is resuming its "operation Santa" campaign. It’ll be an automated response saying: Sorry no money for presents this year thanks to Obama.

The Cuban government is providing free implants for guys with underperforming genitalia. Apparently, they want to keep alive the reputation that all the Cubans are good with their bats.

November 21st 2009

Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. So the Mayans were wrong; they missed the end of the world by 1 year.

A couple of days after having Sarah Palin as a guest, Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. Apparently, quitting is contagious…

A couple of days after having Sarah Palin as a guest, Oprah Winfrey announced that “The Oprah Winfrey Show” will end its run in 2011. I guess the interview with Palin was too much even for Oprah…

Joe Biden turned 67 today. He couldn’t go to a bar to celebrate because his hair is still underaged.

Hillary Clinton tells "Vogue" magazine that she "naps on command…" like every time Bill asks if she is in the mood, she immediately falls asleep.

During an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Sarah Palin rated Obama’s performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10 with a 4. But we all know that a 4 in Washington is like a 10 in Alaska.

The Health Care bill introduced in the senate has 2,074 pages, 84 more pages than the bill introduced in Congress. Apparently, they needed the extra pages to add the disclaimer, you know, like in drug commercials.

Some people in the senate are complaining because the Health Care bill has more than 2,000 pages. Not to contradict anybody, but when it comes to health, I’d rather have a bill with 2000 pages than a bill that fits in one twit.

Yesterday was World Toilet Day. The same day Sarah Palin released her new book: Coincidence?

Yesterday was World Toilet Day. And to celebrate I watched an episode of Jon & Kate plus 8.

Lou Dobbs hinted yesterday that he might run for the White House. Just because it is White!

The city with the lowest smoking rate in the U.S. is Utah. It is understandable. It must be hard to smoke when you have your 20 wives asking you to put out your cigarette.

The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don’t get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed… If you’re a real vampire, shouldn’t you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? Because a true vampire can’t see their reflection in the mirror…

The movie "New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. Critics are not being kind with the movie; ironically they all say it sucks.

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" where volunteers open and respond to thousands of letters addressed to Santa each year. Apparently, they are going to save time by sending a letter to every kid in America saying: “sorry no money for presents…”

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" campaign because too many pedophiles were volunteering. So what is Roman Polanski going to do with his pen and paper this year?

The U.S. Postal Service is dropping its "operation Santa" campaign because too many pedophiles were volunteering. Well, when it comes to know who was naughty…

The daughter of former US presidential candidate John Kerry was arrested early Thursday after being stopped on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs. John Kerry was spotted with a long face, but to be fair, that’s the same face he’s had for years.

November 20th 2009

During an interview with Fox, Obama said that stress is making him go gray. Unlike Biden, who just bought his hair that way.

During an interview with Fox, Obama said that stress is making him go gray. Everybody seems concerned, even teabaggers; I think I heard some of them saying that they want him to die… I guess his hair…

A suburban Atlanta high school teacher has been accused of pursuing a "hit" on a 16-year-old student last month. Apparently, she asked the cafeteria lady to triple his portion of Sloppy Joes.

Sarah Palin said that she would like Levi Johnston to join them for Thanksgiving. Apparently, she wants to feel presidential and pardon a turkey.

Hundreds of people lined up yesterday to meet Sarah Palin at a Michigan bookstore. They were all thrilled to meet Sarah for the first time and also thrilled to see a bookstore for the first time as well.

Levi Johnston does not do frontal nudity in his upcoming "Playgirl" pictorial. But if you want to have a description, you can ask anybody in Alaska.

A Denver man spoke only in Klingon during his son’s first three years of life to learn about the language acquisition process. Unfortunately for the now 15-year-old kid, the father later realized that that was the most efficient way to teach the kid abstinence.

According to its financial report, the federal government wasted $98 billion on improper spending last year. And that without counting the hundred of billions we wasted on the bailout.

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. Maybe if congress wouldn’t give us reasons…

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. He probably has a wife like me, so what can I do to help pass this legislation?

A congressman from Missouri wants to call the day before thanksgiving "complaint free Wednesday" so people would stop complaining for at least one day. He might be onto something because there’s going to be a lot of complaining during Thanksgiving dinner when we get the family over.

For the third time in less than a week, vehicles associated with Vice President Biden have been in accidents that have caused injuries. So now you understand why he would ride the train everyday to go to work.

A new study from the University of Leeds in England found that if women want to attract men, the perfect amount of skin to bare is 40%. Well, it all depends on the guy; it took Monica Lewinsky only 1% to get Bill hooked up.

A new study from the University of Leeds in England found that if women want to attract men, the perfect amount of skin to bare is 40%. Unless you look like Susan Boyle, because the only chance she has to get something is if she is covered from head to toe.

November 20th 2009

President Obama sat down for an interview with Major Garrett on Fox News last night. I know Obama declared he was at war with Fox News, but to send a Major? Isn’t that too much?

Obama continues to get some slack from conservatives for bowing to the Japanese emperor. Obama is getting concerned about it; he is now so afraid of an opportunistic picture that he’s been doing his entire China tour with his shoelaces untied because he doesn’t dare bend to tie them anymore.

President Obama admitted that he has never twitted. And a confused McCain said today “I didn’t know Malia and Sasha were adopted!”

Jenna Jameson appeared on "Oprah" yesterday. The audience went wild when at the end of the show Oprah pointed at them and started screaming: “and you got STD, and you got STD and you got STD!”

Sarah Palin has been doing a series of interviews to promote her book. I don’t want to say the interviews have consisted only of softball questions, but the only chance you get to see Palin being nailed is if you buy the porn movie “Nailing Palin.”

Sarah Palin is calling the "Newsweek" cover photo of her in jogging shorts "sexist." While Bill Clinton calls it “Hide-it-from-Hillary” material.

An airline in Finland is offering a promotion that allows frequent flyers to cash in their miles for a boob job. I wish they would do the same with Northwest Airlines, because with all the overshooting airports, my wife’s boobs would be as big as Dolly Parton’s.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. Unfortunately, women will continue to get depressed, especially after they did it with their inadequate husbands.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. And if they do it with someone younger, their depression disappears as well.

A drug that failed tests as an antidepressant is being hailed by doctors as the first women's Viagra. Come on, there’s already a drug that helps increase women’s libido. It is called “wine.”

According to a new study, 40 percent of Americans will be obese by 2018. Does that mean that the other 50 percent of obese people will start dieting?

According to a government report, 49 million of Americans are having trouble getting enough to eat. With so many people going hungry, why don’t we do a show like The Biggest Loser, but the opposite, where we feed people?

According to a government report, 49 millions of Americans are having trouble getting enough to eat. No wonder Tyra Banks doesn’t have any problems getting models for her almost 20 seasons of America’s Next Top Model.

November 19th 2009

CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took the Health Care bill with him to show it to the Chinese.

CNN reported that 71 was the number of cars in President Barack Obama's motorcade as he traveled from the Beijing airport. Apparently, Obama took all the receipts for the things China have been buying in the U.S. with him.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that Levi Johnston is welcomed at her house for Thanksgiving. Apparently, Palin can’t wait to carve a huge turkey that day.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that 'She's not retreating; she's reloading.’ So now we know what to do in 2012: “duck and cover!”

Breaking news! 4 men had to be hospitalized today with a severe case of depression. Apparently, those were the men in charge of close caption for the Sarah Palin’s interview with Oprah and Barbara Walters.

NBC is producing a new show about a magician who uses his powers to fight crime… because only a magician can generate some ratings in NBC.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. The course opens with a seminar given by Professor Carrie Prejan.

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. It is a fun course; I have been practicing online for years!

Teenagers from a Spanish region called Extremadura are being taught the "art" of masturbation. Ironically, for those who are not acquainted with Spanish, Extremadura means: Extremely Hard.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet.” Unfortunately, the planet was Uranus.

During a speech at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida, Al Gore was introduced as “The president of the planet”. Unfortunately for Al Gore, 5 minutes later they did a recount and he lost.

100 protesters gathered at the Mizner Park Amphitheater in Palm Beach Florida for Al Gore’s speech. They were loud and yelled at Gore, but 5 minutes into the speech they all went silent. Actually, you could now hear some snoring.

"New Moon" premiered last night. It is the movie about a bunch of vampires from a town called Forks. What I don’t get is how it is that these Vampires all look good, shaved and combed? If you’re a real vampire, shouldn’t you look like a mess, scruffy, with razor cuts? A true vampire can’t see their reflection in the mirror…

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck. Especially if you are texting while driving and you crash!

According to a new study, texting can cause pain in your neck, especially if your wife catches you texting the hot chick that works in Hooters and smacks you across your face.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Unfortunately for Dobbs, it was 8 million pesos.

The New York Post reported that CNN was sick of Lou Dobbs and gave him an $8 million severance package to leave. Apparently, CNN employees were tired that the garden looked like crap because Dobbs would refuse to hire any Mexicans.

A Chinese artist has unveiled a "Burning Man Obama" sculpture which depicts President Obama on fire. Or you can wait just a week and get the real Obama burning after leaving the interview with Fox.

Universal Pictures edited the black couple out of the British version of the movie poster for "couples retreat". Maybe if they had edited out Vince Vaughn the movie would have done much better at the box office.

November 17th 2009

President Obama is being heavily criticized by conservatives for bowing to the Emperor of Japan. The White House explained later that the President didn’t bow; he was just telling the emperor where the value of the dollar is at.

The first marijuana café opened in Portland Oregon last Friday. They are going to be rich, not just from the marijuana business, but also for all the donuts, pancakes and omelets they are going to sell to quench the munchies.

The first marijuana café opened in Portland Oregon this Friday. It’s called “Starbuds”!

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. Not everybody likes it, especially the waitresses that complain they usually get screw with the tip after they serve it.

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. People that have tried it say that it is hard to digest.

A group of young Colombian student chefs have unveiled a new dessert that contains Viagra. You can now know what waiter tried it before serving it because he doesn’t need a tray to put the plates on.

A cop in Tennessee accidentally sent a "white pride" email to 787 state employees. He is likely to get fired but also to receive and offer to replace Lou Dobbs.

Doctors in England have given a man whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash, a remote control to open his bowels and go to the toilet. The man is thankful every day of his life, except those days his kid mistakes the TV remote control from his…

An English man, whose bowel was damaged in a motorcycle crash, can now use remote control to open them and go to the toilet. He just tunes in The View and immediately feels like crapping.

The deepest living fish ever spotted have been caught on camera. Apparently, it was swimming next to Obama’s ratings.

The movie 2012 opened this weekend in movie theaters. I saw the movie, and Mayans were right, 2012 was going to be a disaster.

The movie 2012 opened this weekend. It is a very long movie; I think it is called 2012 because that is more or less when the movie ends.

A company in Japan developed a video game that makes you date a virtual girlfriend and eventually if you succeed you get to kiss her. It is going to be tough to pass the first level; why do you think those kids spend hours and hours playing video games, because they don’t have girlfriends.

The AP read an advance copy of Sarah Palin’s new book and said that it is full of errors. The publisher says now that they might rename the book “Going Wrong.”

The AP read an advance copy of Sarah Palin’s new book and said that it is full of errors. On Palin’s defense, do you know how hard is to concentrate when you get distracted all the time looking at Russian from your window?

Some senators have proposed a constitutional amendment to limit how long a person may serve in Congress. That will definitely help improve a congressman’s performance because now they will only have a limited number of years to enrich themselves.

A study has found that household chores like using a vacuum cleaner or microwave can reduce a man’s sperm count due to the exposure to electromagnetic fields. That’s why in order to increase my sperm count, I told my wife to hire a young hot maid.

November 15th 2009

Rumors are CNN is quite pleased with Lou Dobbs’ announcement of quitting the show. Apparently, they were tired their gardens and plants looked like crap because Dobbs always wanted to be in charge of hiring the gardeners.

Dolly Parton was on "The Jay Leno Show" last night. Apparently, Jay is expecting to get a BOUNCE in the ratings with that interview.

Did you hear that the parents of Balloon boy got a reality TV show: They are going to be in the MSNBC show called “Lockup.” …… Today Richard Heene pleaded guilty and he’d better have the same skills his son had to hide in jail or otherwise Bubba is going to find him.

New York Yankees Derek Jeter has a cameo as a homeless guy in a comedy called "The Other Guys". Apparently, he practiced for the role impersonating some Cub’s players.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. She said that it is not that bad, unless she has diarrhea.

A 12-year-old girl has a rare disease that makes her sneeze up to 20 times a minute, or 12,000 times a day. Apparently, she is known to need more paper tissue than Pee Wee Herman.

The woman who wrote the "Twilight" books gave Oprah an interview today. But if you want to hear really scary stuff, tune into Oprah on Monday when she interviews Palin.

Some preview clips of the Sarah Palin interview with Oprah Winfrey were released yesterday. I really enjoyed the part when Oprah screams to her audience: “And you get to shoot a wolf, and you get to shoot a wolf and you get to shoot”…….. Another wonderful clip was when Palin starts jumping up and down on the sofa telling Oprah, how much she loves America.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that she knew the interview with Katie Couric went poorly even though her handlers had told her she did great. Yeah, trusting your handlers is like trusting husbands when you ask them if you look fat in those pants…

Carrie Prejean told Sean Hannity that she was not having sex in the video that was sent to her ex-boyfriend. In fact she pointed at herself and said: I did not have sexual relationships with this woman…

A man in Texas drove his million-dollar sports car, a 2006 Bugatti Veyron , off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston when he veered to avoid a low- flying pelican. Can we please get Captain 'Sully' Sullenberger quick on a plane before he keeps crashing all the cars?

A wife posed as a schoolgirl online to catch her husband using an internet chatroom to groom underage girls for sex. Maybe if she had acted like a school girl around the house, her husband wouldn’t have visited those chatrooms.

Researchers at the Institute of Microsurgery in Melbourne, Australia, announced they're going to start a medical trial using stem cells to grow breast. It is not new, there’s already a machine for creating boobs. It is called: Fox News.

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. So if you want that job start practicing saying: “Would you like freedom fries with that waterboarding sir?”

McDonalds is looking to hire an assistant manager for its outlet at Guantanamo Bay. They are already getting thousands and thousands of applications for that job, not so much because they care about that position, but people know that in Guantanamo you have more chances of getting the H1N1 vaccines.

November 13th 2009

Did you hear about Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? Apparently, there's a video of her taking care of herself... which proves what we all suspected, that she is a strong Bush supporter! Actually, she now claims she did the video because Miss America organizers told her to go screw herself.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs shocked his viewers Wednesday by announcing that he would be leaving the network effective immediately. You know that he doesn’t like minorities and, judging by the latest CNN’s ratings, CNN could be consider one.

Longtime CNN host Lou Dobbs quit his show last night. Imagine how he is going to feel when he finds out he’ll be replaced by Carlos Mencia!

President Obama is visiting China. Apparently, he is just going there to reassure them that he is taking good care of their country, the US.

A new study shows that seniors should walk quickly, not slowly, for optimum cardiovascular health. That’s why I started telling grandpa to hurry up because Obama’s death panels were in the area.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. So far, the one with more chances to get the job is Larry Craig, who offered to do it for free.

Hundreds of New Yorkers applied to be "ambassadors" at Charmin's Times Square restrooms, where they will earn $10,000 for six weeks of work. Mmm… sorry but this smells like a load of crap.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk. His name: Captain Morgan.

Cuba has ordered its people to adopt "extreme measures" to cut energy usage through the end of the year. This is the end of Fidel Castro, because the only thing that uses energy in Cuba is his respiratory machine.

Hollywood actress Jane Fonda said in an interview that her sex life at 71 is better than ever, despite her metal hip and spinal surgery. Apparently, that is how she broke her hip, doing it at 71.

According to beautifulpeople.com, the ugliest women in the world are in Germany. Now you know why they drink so much beer there.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. I just hope he doesn’t catch a cold and start coughing and sneezing, or this could be a disaster.

A judge ruled that a quadriplegic can mount a gun to his wheelchair and shoot his gun by blowing through a tube. Hopefully, nobody shows him any porn and he gets agitated because it could end up in a disaster.

november 12th 2009

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. The pilot admitted he was drunk but said he was going to sleep it off during the flight.

Police charged a United Airlines pilot on suspicion of being drunk as he was about to help fly a passenger plane from Heathrow Airport. I don’t think the pilot understands he’s got a problem, because when his friends suggested going to AA meetings, he said that American Airlines was not going to hire him.

A deer was killed when it jumped into the lion’s den at the National Zoo in Washington this weekend in front of dozens spectators. They were really disappointed; especially the next day when they came for the same show and found out everything had been just an accident.

New research found that teenagers who take part in team sports may have a higher risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Well, they have to be ready in case they become pro-athletes.

The hugely anticipated “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game went on sale on Tuesday. Unfortunately, most Democrats were disappointed with the game when they found out the war in the game wasn’t between Fox and the Obama administration.

Thousands of people waited for hours in line to get their hands on the new “Call of Duty, Modern Warfare 2” video game. It’s not like they have much to do, most of them are unemployed.

As a holiday gift to weary travelers, Google is offering free Wi-Fi at 47 airports from now through January 15th, 2010. Because that is exactly what we need, more pilots distracted looking at porn in their laptops.

After 40 years, Steven Tyler may be leaving Aerosmith. Apparently, the main complaint among the members of the band is that the dude looks like an old lady.

The Democrats' health care bill will provide insurance to 96% of Americans. Apparently, the death panels will take care the other 4%.

More than one million strollers have been recalled because babies are losing their fingers in them. Madonna is concerned; what if his boyfriend Jesus loses his fingers? Where is she going to put the ring?

A British lobbying group has criticized a fire department for spending six hours on the rescue of a pet duck trapped in a pond's overflow pipe. The group settled after the firefighters decided to share their Duck a L'orange with them.

Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy this week. Doctors didn’t need to do much during the operation; the appendix couldn’t wait to run away from Glen Beck.

The female astronaut who drove to Florida in a diaper was sentenced to two days in jail. When asked if she was satisfied with the sentence she replied, “it depends”

George Lopez' new show premiered Monday. His audience consists mostly of Latinos, because once again Latinos are doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do.

Dina Lohan says Lindsay was dating Heath Ledger when he died. And today police ruled Ledger’s death as a suicide.

November 11th 2009

According to a new report from the Center for Responsive Politics about the wealth of our elected officials, there are 237 millionaires in Congress. So in a way, we can say that Congress is as rich as the Yankees, but unfortunately, it performs like the Cubs.

New research found that having a poor supervisor increments your chances of having a heart attack. Now that explains Dick Cheney’s bad heart condition.

According to a new research, workers feel ten years younger after they retire. Great, by the time I’m ready to retire, I’m going to feel like a 110.

President Obama said yesterday that he is considering making a decision to consider sending troops to Afghanistan.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. Because that’s precisely what she needs… class.

A Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. It worked for that school, because today people from all over the world are registering to study in that college.

A blond, attractive Brazilian woman whose short, pink dress caused a near riot at a private college and led to her expulsion will be allowed to return to class. I don’t think she cares anymore about college; she already got offers to work in Univision and Fox News.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. I’m not this guy, but I think a text would have been enough.

A woman in Canada stole $21,000 from her boyfriend because she wanted him to break up with her. That never works, look at politicians, they keep stealing from us, and we keep voting for them.

A judge is temporarily blocking Jennifer Lopez’s ex-husband releasing a movie about her. Apparently, the judge is afraid the movie could be as bad as Gigli…

A sex tape of Carrie Prejean has surfaced. In the video she is all by herself. I don’t want to give you more details, but it is evident that she is a strong Bush supporter.

According to a new survey, re-gifting is becoming more common in America. Take the democrats for example; they seem to be willing to regift the seats they won in 2009.

Sammy Sosa’s agent says that Sosa’s skin looks lighter because he is going through a skin rejuvenation process. Actually, Joan Rivers went through the same rejuvenation process; what nobody knows is that in the past she was as black as Whoopy Goldberg.

Ellen DeGeneres was on "Oprah" yesterday. Two day talk giants met for the first time; actually, one day talk giant, Oprah.

November 10th 2009

Rep. Anh "Joseph" Cao, of Louisiana, was the only Republican congressman that voted in favor of the Health Care reform bill on Saturday. He’ll need the Health Care bill more than ever now, because Fox News and the rest of the Republican Party are going to beat the heck out of him.

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was shocking; Congress working on Saturday night?

Congress passed a landmark health care legislation Saturday night. It was quite awkward when Pelosi said last call for voting, and a few congressmen asked for scotch, martini and bourbon.

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. She is now 54… lbs…

Maria Shriver had a birthday on Friday. And if you want to get her something useful, you cannot fail with a blue tooth.

On Friday, Tyra Banks had a woman with two vaginas on her show. It just gives me the chill to think of how annoying she could be that time of the month!

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s why I always tell my dates we need to film everything.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband… unlike my wife who keeps reminding me that we don’t need to do it today because we did it last month.

An American woman suffered a sudden attack of amnesia after having sex with her husband. That’s a lucky, lucky man.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. Great, I’ll buy them and I’m covered for the weekend.

A man in China is auctioning 5,000 condoms from the 2008 Olympics. 5,000 Chinese condoms… perfect; I combine all of them and make one my size.

A woman is going to give birth live online. The baby is expected to be born after 8 months, 2 weeks and 3 minutes of buffering.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. Actually, people don’t know this, but Mark McGwire used to be as black as Morgan Freeman.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. The skin color didn’t change much, but the fact that steroids shrink your junk gives you the illusion that he looks whiter.

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably because of the use of steroids. And today Republicans started putting steroids in their kids’ breakfast.

Thieves in Florida stole 90 bras from a Victoria's Secret store. Police are confident they'll solve the case because the thieves were just a bunch of boobs.

November 7th 2009

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Immediately after that, the baby said his first words: “We did it for the show!”

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.

President Obama hosted an event at the White House this week celebrating classical music. Unfortunately, the orchestra picked up the mood at the White House and played a requiem.

President Obama said during a speech that one day Malia got a 73 on her science test, but after he and Michelle sat down with her to talk about it, she improved and brought a 95 in the test. So if Michelle and Obama are so good, why don’t they sit down and have a chat with the members of congress.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; it happens very often after getting married.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of people are allergic to nuts.

There's a resort in Austria where you can swim in a pool of beer. And since it is light beer, you can also take a leak in the pool and nobody would notice the difference.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a Shanghai Disneyland. It’ll be quite similar to Disneyland in America; they only difference is that Goofy will be served in their restaurants.

A new study says that kissing may have developed as a way for a woman to build immunity from a virus called cytomegalovirus, which is present in saliva. In other news, Susan Boyle is suffering from cytomegalovirus.

A leaked copy of Palin’s victory speech had she won the 2009 elections surfaced this week. It reads: “nanana nanaaaana!”

Verne Troyer's, former girlfriend has gotten a temporary restraining order against him that prohibits him from being within 150 yards of her. And that in Verne’s measurements is like being in another state.

Lady Gaga says the ultimate accessory is a condom. And if you are going to go out with her, the second most important accessory is ear plugs.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned the population of California may turn out to be 2.

A Detroit UPS driver was fired for opening and refusing to deliver a package that contained four pounds of marijuana. No wonder the Detroit Lions didn’t do well in their last game.

November 5th 2009

A PGA golfer has tested positive for steroids. Authorities suspected there was something weird with him after he started using the golf club as a bat.

Today is the first anniversary of Obama’s presidency. It is weird; the only ones I saw celebrating last night were Republicans.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. He lost more than 40lbs… sorry; those are the points he lost in his approval ratings.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. It is nothing to be concerned; it was retouched by Ralph Lauren.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. Doctors suggested he should stop having lunch with Oprah.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. And today Republicans say that this is clear evidence he wasn’t born in this country.

Two terrorists in northern India were killed by a bear when they hid in its cave. And today Obama deployed Yogi Bear and Smokey the bear to Afghanistan.

New Zealand mayor provoked outrage by suggesting that government should pay 'problem parents' not to have children. If that includes Octomom and Jon & Kate, I’m willing to cheap in…

A man in Colorado stabbed himself just so he wouldn't have to go to work at blockbuster. I hope it catches on and the guy that recommended me “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” at my neighborhood Blockbuster does the same.

A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I’m done with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old.

A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. And today a confused Amy Winehouse bought tickets to Africa.

According to a recent study, almost 700 million people worldwide would move to another country. Still none of them is willing to go to Detroit.

Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. And also as a training tool, as every morning he marinates his body and lets the cheetah chase him.

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. The disease is known in the medical arena as Clintonitis.

NASA will expose monkeys to daily radiation in order to better understand the effects of long space trips on humans. I can’t wait to see them throwing glowing poo at each other.

Virgin Atlantic launched an iPhone application to help people with fear of flying. It is called I-drink.

During an interview, Rhianna said that after she was assaulted by Chris Brown, she went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears. Apparently, the beating affected her vocal chords.

November 4th 2009

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

The official that decided to kick off the 2-year-old kid of a Southwest Airline might be disciplined by the company. Apparently, they are mad at him because he didn’t see the business opportunity to charge more for tickets located far away from the kid.

Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody is surprised because an American man won the New York City Marathon on Sunday. They shouldn’t be surprised; it is a clear sign that we’re becoming a third world country.

Mattel is coming out with a new gay Ken doll. How disappointed and bored is he going to be when he finds out that the original Ken doll doesn’t have anything under his clothes.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. “Woosy… he didn’t even bite it,” said Ozzy.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. And now PETA wants him charged with assault and BATtery.

NBA player Manu Ginobili had to be vaccinated for rabies. No, it wasn’t because he caught a bat during a game. Apparently, he shook hands with Lou Dobbs.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. And also because you know how difficult is it to find food tasters every single day?

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. How ironic, the way he is running the country is making a lot of people skip several meals too.

The ABC affiliate in Washington is airing a special about breast self-exams during the fall "sweeps" period. It works for Fox News; they get huge ratings showing big boobs like Hannity and Glen Beck…

The U.S. dropped from sixth to ninth on this year's list of the most prosperous countries in the world. Things are not likely to change because when experts at the White House were asked about the drop, they giggled and said “Ha, from Six to Nine!!”

A company that is opening the first hotel in space says they already rented their first room for 2012. The room cost $4.4 million, but Republicans are willing to spend anything to hide Sarah Palin on Election Day.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

November 3rd 2009

A 2 year-old kid was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff on Saturday because he was being too loud and cranky. Apparently, the airline was concerned the screams were gonna wake up the pilots.

Due to Fall Back, we turned the clock back one hour in the United States. So, technically, that means Conan O Brian took once again Leno’s spot.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. That’s relative, because I’m a Philly fan and I wasted the extra hour watching the 4th game of the series.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. Unfortunately, after Obama’s taxes, you’re lucky if you still have 10 minutes left.

Former US President Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina. Now they just need to find a couple of chubby chicks to help get it erected…

During the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina, Bill Clinton thanked everybody and said that Hillary asked for a picture of him next to the statue. Of course, Hillary wants evidence that he was really in Kosovo and not at a strip joint somewhere in the world.

2,000 kids went trick or treating to the White House for Halloween. The kids were not happy; Obama forced them to leave 50% of the candies they had collected before they arrived.

“This Is It", the documentary about Michael Jackson, pulled in $101 million worldwide in its first five days. And today, Tito, Jermaine, and Joe Jackson announced a sequel called “This time I promise, this is really it!"”

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series attended a game without having to have any sexual activity. Well, kind of, because she saw the entire game sitting on the flag pole at the stadium.

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series is still catching some slack. Why? What do you think Kate Hudson has to do with A-Rod to get the tickets she gets for every game?

Joe Jackson said that Michael Jackson is “worth more dead than he was alive”. He would probably make the same amount of money dead or alive, but being dead prevents him from wasting any money on settlements.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. They didn’t say anything, but apparently the giraffe is also two donkeys on top of each other.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. Donkeys are good at transforming into other animals… Look at Lieberman; a donkey doing a great job acting like an elephant.

According to a new exhibition, an Indian doctor working in 600 B.C. might have been the world's first plastic surgeon. And his first patient? Joan Rivers.

An Indian man is suing the company Axe after he failed to land a single girlfriend during seven years of using their products. This is not the first time the company has been sued; there have been several fat women that bought the “chocolate” deodorant hoping their partners would turn into a Hershey bar.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

Boeing has chosen South Carolina as the location for its new factory to make the 787 jet. Mark Sandford already promised to test the first plane on a trip to Argentina.

Chaz Bono gave an interview to talk about her gender reassignment surgery. She turned 40 and just got a penis. It doesn’t make any sense to get a penis when you are 40, just when you are not going to use it that often anymore?

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

President Obama's former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary's chances of becoming vice president, making it the first time in years that Bill screwed Hillary.