August 31st 2009

A recent study found that people with "white-sounding" names are 50% more likely to get called in for a job interview than people with "black-sounding" names. And 100 % more likely if Fox News is the employer.

A recent study found that people who share a name with a famous person have a hard time getting jobs. Especially if your name is Chris Brown and you are applying for a job in the WNBA.

Scientists have designed a high-tech mug that can keep your coffee at the perfect temperature for up to half an hour. Very important because you will need a lot of coffee to put with a scientist’s conversation.

Democrats want to name the Health Care Plan after Ted Kennedy, because if there was someone that was a symbol of health it was Ted Kennedy.

An Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush will be released next month. The time couldn’t have been better; the Vikings might need him as a quarterback.

An Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush will be released next month. Rumors are he is going to star in the sequel of Footloose.

More than two dozen cattle have mysteriously fallen from a cliff to their deaths in the Swiss village of Lauterbrunnen. Apparently they had heard that the swine flu, and wanted to see if they fly could too.

A house in New York City that is only nine and a half feet wide is up for sale for $2.7 Million. And you know that that rich woman would pay that just to brag he is that skinny.

More employers are utilizing social networking to screen potential employees. That’s why I always use the name of my competitors when I sign for Facebook and write a lot of crap in my status.

The US ranks 29th in the world when it comes to Internet Speed. And like in an hour or two you’ll be able to see which country is number one, because that is what it takes you to download the entire article.

Former President Bush's daughter Jenna was hired to be a correspondent in the Today show. Her father was mad because he missed it and he hopes they show it again tomorrow.

Former President Bush's daughter Jenna was hired to be a correspondent in the Today show…. And Hangover II

More advertisers have pulled out of Fox News’ Glenn Beck Program, bringing the tally to 46. You see pulling out doesn’t work, the monster is already born.

An Idaho Republican gubernatorial hopeful insists he was only joking when he said he'd buy a license to hunt President Barack Obama. He would never buy a license for that.

Studies by the Health Department show that a startling 68 percent of Mexican adults are overweight. Mexicans are getting so fat now only 4 fit in a van.

Starting this fall, Wikipedia will color code untrustworthy text. Hard to believe, especially because the information came from Wikipedia.

A man was sentenced to 15 years in prison for biting off the finger of an Atlantic City police officer. He will continue biting in jail, mostly pillows.

August 28th 2009

The Democratic Party is organizing tons of events to promotoe support for the government-run health care. It is a tough call for Republicans, because they want to disrupt those town hall meetings, but they don’t want to hire so many people that they’d help reduce the number of unemployment.

According to health officials in Boston, three in four people hospitalized for Swine flu last winter were either black or Hispanic. The other one, a white guy, is the only one with the hospital suite and the TV.

Three of Jessica Simpson's friends have told her that Tony Romo tried to get in their pants while he and Jessica were still together. Apparently, Jessica’s pants were too big for him.

Kelly Osbourne admitted to have been taking 50 pills a day at one point. Apparently, none of them were diet pills.

An old lady attacked a news crew with a hoe when they came to her house to investigate a story about two underage teenagers working at a strip club. Don’t worry; the daughter she used to hit the news crew with is fine.

A survey found that 30% of bosses say they scream at their employees in order to "motivate" them. The other 70%, just because they are asses.

Mexico temporarily shuts down a strip of Cancun beach because the Gran Caribe Real Hotel has stolen sand and accumulated it in front of the hotel. Apparently, they left thousands of people with hour glasses without the time.

According to news reports teens are using vodka-soaked tampons. They mixed them with red bull, because tampons don’t have wings.

According to news reports teens are using vodka-soaked tampons. Isn’t that a bloody Mary?

Joe jackson said Obama said no to Michael Jackson when Michael asked to attend Obama's inaguration. You see Republicans are right, Obama hates white people

Researchers have discovered that a chemical released by a mown lawn makes people feel happy and relaxed. Ahh that’s why my wife is so happy when I get home from work and Jose trimmed her lawn.

August 27th 2009

Michael Jackson had $668,000 in cash when he died. Or as he used to call it, shush change.

The nation’s top two brewers say they plan to raise the price of beer in the fall. Complaints started to rise from all over the country, mostly from ugly women that feel they won’t get much love.

Pete Townshend of The Who is writing a musical about getting old… and how much he hates when his dates do.

Personal use of marihuana is now legal In Argentina. This will definitely increase the chances of some American politicians, because only high you can think of starting an affair with them.

Britain's main farming union has issued a warning about the dangers of provoking cows after 4 people died trampled by them. Cows want everybody to believe they are mad again; the swine faked a flu and nobody is killing them anymore.

A British man has complained to candy maker Haribo about a candy wrapper that depicts a "male" lime having sex with a cartoon lemon. Apparently the man hates gay sex… two fruit doing it.

A British man has complained to candy maker Haribo about a candy wrapper that depicts a "male" lime having sex with a cartoon lemon. Those bloody limeys!

A Florida town received tax bills 10 times higher due to a decimal point error. Officials in Florida said the mistake will be corrected and they will only see that kind of increase after Obama passes his health care reform.

Hours after his sentencing Chris Brown was seen dancing at a club. Well, clubs are the only thing he can hit now…

A new study shows that extreme obesity can shorten a person's life by 12 years. Nature plays its role here; you have to die before it becomes impossible for you to fit in a coffin.

The U.S. Postal Service announced plans on Tuesday to fire thirty thousand postal workers. And you thought town hall meetings were violent before…

A rapist was arrested after one of his victims bit off his tongue. Police couldn’t help but laugh when they told him he had the right to remain silence.

According to a new study from Harvard University, there are approximately 27 million slaves worldwide. Finally some good news for Glen Beck!

An L.A. comedian is being sued by his mother-in-law. She laughed at it and said he didn’t care because if the case goes to trial, justice is blind not deaf, so they will get to hear how annoying his mother-in-law is.

An L.A. comedian is being sued by his mother-in-law. She won’t stop; she knows that if things turned bad and he loses Obama, who lives with his mother-in-la will give him a presidential pardon.

August 26th 2009

The "New York Times" is reporting that health officials are thinking hard about promoting "universal circumcision". Finally the Obama administration will do some cuts.

The government is spending nearly $1 million in stimulus money to study sex. Why would they spend more money on that when we all know they are masters at screwing people?

Michael Vick may start Philadelphia’s exhibition game on Thursday. He has not played in a while and he is happy being the underdog.

Eco-thinkers want to put plants in the bottom of a shower to be able to recycle that water to make it drinkable. It is already a pain in the ass to clean the tub; now I have to trim the plants before I take a shower.

Eco-thinkers want to put plants in the bottom of a shower to be able to recycle that water to make it drinkable. Great! Now I need a machete to get in the shower.

Eco-thinkers want to put plants in the bottom of a shower to be able to recycle the water to make it drinkable. Wouldn’t it be easier to just take a shower in the garden?

Eco-thinkers want to put plants at the bottom of a shower to be able to recycle that water to make it drinkable. You just need to avoid being beaten by spiders or snakes.

A company has come up with a social network similar to twitter but that forces you to use 1400 characters or more. So far Joe Biden is the only member.

An executive with The Wendy Williams Show apologized to a drag queen in the audience who was told not to appear on camera during the show. Apparently, producers wanted only one person to look like a drag queen and that was Wendy Williams.

A study suggests apple-shaped women with a big waist have a higher risk of developing asthma, especially because they have to keep running from black men.

A study suggests apple-shaped women with a big waist have a higher risk of developing asthma. They get really agitated when they are running out of food.

A Venezuelan woman won the Miss Universe 2009 title on Sunday, giving her South American country its second consecutive win and its sixth title in the beauty pageant. Shouldn’t we check them for steroids?

Chris Brown was just sentenced to 6 months of hard labor. Apparently, he’ll have to rap with good grammar.

A guy tried to kill a dragonfly with a rifle and accidentally shot his friend in the head. Can we find something for Cheney to do fast?

August 25th 2009

Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide. Nancy Gray, Greta Van Susteren and Fox will be all over it; you know how much they like to cover the murder of a white woman.

Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide and everybody is blaming Michael’s doctor for administering a heavy cocktail of drugs to help him sleep. Apparently, Michael couldn’t sleep because he suffered of a severe case of GUILT.

Michael Jackson’s personal doctor is being questioned for administering Jackson a heavy cocktail of drugs and could end up in jail, but for sure he is going to end up in the speed dial of Paula, Rush and Amy Winehouse.

According to a recent study nine in ten kids between the ages of eight and 16 have watched online pornography. The other hasn’t opened the e-mail that Gary Glitter has sent him.

According to a recent study, one in four British teen girls wants to be a stripper. Apparently, the other three have not seen yet Miley performing at the Teen Choice Awards.

Billy Joel's home in the Hamptons is on sale for $35 million. The house includes 8 bedrooms, 6 baths and 4 garages; two that came with the house and 2 more he made while trying to park drunk at night.

The Clorox Co, the maker of bleach and household cleaners, said in a statement that it has decided not to advertise in the Glen Beck show anymore, forcing the TV host to have to look for a new product to bleach his hoods.

The Obama administration will launch a $300 million cash-for-clunkers-type federal program to boost sales of energy-efficient home appliances. There’s a flaw; don’t we need homes for home appliances?

Someone paid more than $4.6 million for the crypt above Marilyn Monroe’s. Smart investment; he spent way less money than the Kennedy’s to get on top of her.

People in New Jersey are disgusted with the idea of having Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi visiting the area. How do you think Moammar Gadhafi feels that he has to visit New Jersey?

The Police Department in Colorado might get the approval to sell confiscated firearms. They expect to sell a lot by opening concession stands near the Town Hall meetings.

The government is spending nearly $1 million in stimulus money to study sex. That’s why people love Bill Clinton; he would save so much money by conducting the study himself.

The "New York Times" is reporting that health officials are thinking hard about promoting "universal circumcision". That’s a great TIP!

Melanie Griffith has problems with alcohol and drugs and was admitted to rehab. Would you blame her? You don’t have to look at her face in the mirror every morning…

President Obama plans on doing some swimming while on vacation this week. See? I told you he wasn’t that black…

August 24th 2009

The world's longest-serving bartender is about to retire after 77 years on the job. At the end of his career he didn’t even need to shake his drinks his Parkinson did the trick.

There’s a new internet addiction treatment center that costs $325 a day. Until they can come up with a program that costs less than a pack of paper tissues a day, I’d rather stick to porn.

Nine in ten women from the country of Jordan think it's okay for a man to beat his wife under certain circumstances. And today Chris Brown packed his bags and moved to Jordan.

Car dealers are concerned the Government is going to take a long time to give them the money they are owed for the “Cash for Clunkers” program so to speed up the process most of them changed their the name to AIG auto dealer.

Politicians in Japan are not shaking hands on the campaign trail because they are afraid of the swine flu. Our politicians are braver, because during the swine flu epidemic they didn’t even stop having sex with some of their constituents.

Mexico decriminalized small amounts of marijuana, cocaine and heroin on Friday. Let’s see now who is the one that wants to jump that wall.

A teacher charged with having a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old male student paid her victim $1,500 after the encounters. And you know that parents all over the country are going to send their kids to school with extra cologne and new clothes to see if they can make some money on the side.

Taliban militants cut off the ink-stained fingers of two Afghan voters in the militant south during the presidential election. Fortunately they both can vote 9 more times.

Michelle Obama wants set up a farmers market just outside the White House. It is perfect idea, because they can use as a fertilizer all the manure the White House has been producing for years.

The White House asked the media to let the Obama girls enjoy their vacation. Apparently that message was directly sent to that 11-year-old reporter, that won’t stop calling Malia.

More than 3,000 donkeys were used to deliver voting ballots in Afghanistan. Unlike the US where we use the donkeys to count the votes.

Lindsay Lohan got robbed during the weekend. This is not the first time it happened to her, cocaine stole 20 years of her life.

Yesterday was National Go Topless Day. I wasn’t impressed; I get to see boobs all the time, I work in congress.

According to the New York Post, Bernie Madoff has cancer. Apparently it was discovered by an inmate while doing Madoff’s daily prostate exam.

Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards’ wife, has opened a furniture store. If I were John I would be concerned, because she was selling all the couches of the house, where is he going to sleep now?

Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards’ wife, has opened a furniture store. John is in charge of the bed sales and of course to test them.

Elizabeth Edwards, John Edwards’ wife, has opened a furniture store. She can sell a lot of baby furniture to his husband’s “friends”.

Life expectancy in the United States rose to an all-time high - nearly 78 years. Unfortunately 78 is the average for retirement

A swimmer who claimed he drunk two bottles of wine a day swum across the world's most dangerous river, the Amazon. Apparently only drunk you would dare swim across the Amazon.

August 20th 2009

A Seattle woman has sued magician David Copperfield, contending he sexually assaulted her. This could be one of the biggest tricks Copperfield has ever pulled: making people believe he is straight.

A Seattle woman has sued magician David Copperfield, contending he sexually assaulted her and threatened to kill her. The magician claims that cut-in-half suggestion was just part of his magician act.

A South African sprinter is being questioned about her gender. And today Eddie Murphy offer himself, free of charge, to conduct the gender test.

A South African sprinter is being questioned about her gender and was forced to take gender verification test to prove that is a “she". Apparently things got a little bit suspicious when she was doing the relay race and a sprinter in her team grabbed his other baton.

CBS will be advertising its fall TV season with a video-chip ad embedded in an issue of Entertainment Weekly. I have to be extra careful now when I wipe my ass with the magazine.

A woman that had an affair with Bernard Madoff said in a book that he was really good at oral sex. No wonder he is so popular in jail.

A woman that had an affair with Bernard Madoff said in a book that he had a small penis. But like with your investments, he would make you believe it was going to grow more than 300%.

The CW network is advertising the show “the beautiful life" with naked pictures of the cast. I hope CBS doesn’t want to do the same with 60 minutes.

Venus and Serena Williams will become the latest celebrities to own a stake in the Miami Dolphins. Venus will help manage the club and Serena will play as a linebacker.

According to a new study released by the European Commission men who do more housework have better sex lives… with other men.

An 80-year-old rode his bike nearly 3,700 miles across the country. And the sad part is that he doesn’t remember why.

John Ensign said that his affair with a friend's wife was different from former President Bill Clinton's affair. Because unlike Clinton, Ensign was doing the mistress but also once in a while his wife.

The “Cash for Clunkers” program is going to expire soon. But don’t despair, with the new health care plan, they will revive the Cash for Clunker’s program, but to get the cash you’ll have to give your grandpa instead.

A South African sprinter is being questioned about her gender and was forced to take gender verification test to prove that "she". But if she was a guy, wouldn’t she like to come behind other sprinters just to check their butts?

August 19th 2009

Michael Jackson will be buried on August 29th. It’s been more than two months since he died, but the body still looks the same, plastic takes a long time to decompose.

Celine Dion is pregnant… shushing those nasty rumors that the belly was because she had eaten something.

Florida has experienced its first population drop since 1946… but just because Cubans come to America only to change the old cars for new ones and the return.

A New York artist compiled an album featuring nothing but screams. Or you can just save all the money and watch The View.

A New York artist compiled an album featuring nothing but screams. He recorded it from a couple of Town Hall meetings.

Brett Favre has signed with the Minnesota Vikings in a $10 million deal. That on top of the $4500 he gets for being a clunker.

A town hall protester showed up at a meeting with a gun and a T-shirt that read “it’s time to water the tree of Liberty”. Ironically, the guy was planted.

A South Carolina woman was awarded $2 million after her dentist accidentally removed all 16 of her upper teeth. Apparently, the dentist wanted her to fit in South Carolina.

A South Carolina woman was awarded $2 million after her dentist accidentally removed all 16 of her upper teeth. Now she looks like everybody else in South Carolina but rich.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday that information her husband brought back from North Korea has been "extremely helpful…” if you want to know where strip joints are located in North Korea.

According to scientists, men who snore loudly may have a shorter life expectancy than those who sleep quietly, usually because their wives smother them with a pillow.

GM said on Tuesday it is increasing production in the US after a surge in sales ignited by the "Cash for Clunkers" incentives program. They say they are committed to making more clunkers.

A recent study proved cockroaches might survive in case of severe climate change. Now we know why some politicians ignore the warning of the environmentalists; they will survive anyway.

More and more women are undergoing genital cosmetic surgeries... but just because they have had so much plastic surgery, after a while, when they do their faces they inevitably have to do their genitals.

Four of the rides from Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch will be featured at the California State Fair. And like when Michael was alive, you have to be “this short” to ride Michael Jackson.

Kelly Clarkson might return to "idol" as a guest judge. She fits perfectly as a replacement, not for Paula, but for Randy.

August 18th 2009

I don’t want to say Obama is mad at the blue dog Democrats, but today he set up a meeting between them and Michael Vick…

"Reader's Digest" is filing for bankruptcy. That’s hard to digest…. Sorry…

Rep. Michele Bachmann said that she’ll run for president if God calls her to it. You can’t imagine how many comedians will call her today pretending to be God, so they have material to pay their mortgage.

Hurricane Bill revved up quickly as it headed toward Bermuda on Monday. Bermuda officials warned chubby women to be careful and run for cover because Bill is coming.

Explorers discovered a new species of giant rat-eating carnivorous plant. Please get some seeds and let’s grow a bunch in congress.

A hotel in Southern California is offering rooms for $19 with toilet paper, towels or air-conditioning. Did Motel 6 just open there?

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with twelve babies. And today Nike just opened a branch inside her womb.

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with twelve babies. She got offered a show ala Jon & Kate plus 8 because TLC would love to have 4 babies to spare.

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with twelve babies. It is not going to be that difficult to maintain the family, by the time they are done pulling out the last baby, the first is going to be graduated and working already.

Ashton Kutcher's newest film, Spread, had a dismal opening this weekend. Apparently, people don’t care much about him if he uses more than 140 characters in a dialogue.

Ashton Kutcher's newest film, Spread, had a dismal opening this weekend. But just because people thought the one spreading was Demi Moore.

Tony Romo reportedly split with Jessica Simpson over her excessive drinking. Apparently, she never understood that alcohol makes chubby women more attractive but when the guy drinks it, not when they do.

A DJ was beat up for playing the Pet Shop Boys at a Muslim wedding in Israel. Who can’t blame them?

People for the Ethical treatment of Animals sent tons of toilet paper to Cuba Friday to help Cuba with its emergency shortage. Shouldn’t we send food first, so they have a reason to use the toilet paper?

Former President Bill Clinton visited the White House for one hour on Tuesday. Obama wanted to thank him so he let him use the Oval Office to have his way with the Asian reporters.

Obama met with former President Bill Clinton on Tuesday. Apparently after Bill wanted to organize a beer summit between he and Hillary to see if can help their relationship.

August 17th 2009

George Michael was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of drink or drugs. Things got a little bit awkward when the police told him to walk on a straight line and George got down on all four and tried to snort it.

George Michael was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of drink or drugs. It took a while for the cops to convince George to blow the breathalyzers and not them.

A study has found that women are most attracted to men who look just like them. I guess I have to go to the circus to find my soul mate because I’m bold, fat and with a beard.

A study has found that women are most attracted to men who look just like them. So we finally know why in the South there’s sex between brothers and sisters.

JetBlue is offering a $599 all you can fly monthly pass. Unfortunately, the average wait in the tarmac is a month.

JetBlue is offering a $599 all you can fly monthly pass. Apparently, they developed the concept from what they do with your luggage: you pay for one flight and they fly them all over for a long time.

A South Korea firm will start cloning dogs. But you know that it’ll never taste like the organic.

According to a new study, the older we get, the happier we grow. No wonder babies cry all the time.

A patient at a Cape Coral doctor's office bit part of the doctor's finger off after being denied a prescription. Unfortunately for the patient, the doctor was a proctologist.

A person caught masturbating in the subway claims his privates just popped out and he was trying to put them back. Apparently, his junk was trying to run away from the constant abuse he was putting it under.

A person caught masturbating in the subway claims his privates just popped out and he was trying to put them back. And judging by the repeat motion, the junk was putting a heck of a fight.

An eleven-year-old reporter, who has interviewed Oprah and Dwayne Wade, has finally accomplished his dream to talk to president Obama. What a player; he didn’t care about Obama; he just wanted to score Malia’s phone number.

A musical about Amy Winehouse's life is in the works: The nut crackhead.

The White House was accused Thursday of deliberately causing a sugar shortage. They want to prevent the old Twinkie defense in case some town hall protester gets their way with Obama.

The mayor of Milwaukee was beaten with a metal pipe after coming to the rescue of an old woman who was being attacked. Just a misunderstanding; a town hall protester thought the mayor was another Democrat trying to kill grandma.

A South Carolina man is offering discount caskets for less than $500. He knows the competition will be ferocious as soon as we pass Obama’s health care plan.

The first guest on NBC's "The Jay Leno Show" will be Jerry Seinfeld. Leno also tried to get Michael Richards, but he has an exclusive contract with Glen Beck.

The world population is expected to reach 7 Billion people by 2011… but that only if David Stern gets to expand the NBA to other countries.

August 14th

Have a great weekend! Contact me if you have comments, ideas or suggestions pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Ratings for "Jon & Kate Plus 8" continue to plummet. Rumors are the network is planning on firing two of the kids…

Dick Cheney felt that President Bush stopped listening to him during their second term. He should feel lucky because Bush stopped listening to all of us since his first term.

One of Malaysia's top health officials says that pleasuring yourself increases your chances of getting swine flu. Good, I just ordered two buckets of tamiflu.

An Arizona man caught leaving water bottles in the desert for illegal immigrants has been sentenced to 300 hours of community service and a year of probation. Apparently, the water wasn’t Fiji.

It was confirmed that the question that irritated Hillary was lost in translation and the student meant to say Obama instead of Bill Clinton. In a way, he was lucky because his second question was “why do think Bill loves the fatties?”

A Philadelphia man used identity theft to buy penis enlargements for himself and breast implants for two women. Nobody noticed for a while because he stole Hugh Hefner’s identity.

JetBlue is offering an "all-you-can-fly" pass where passengers can book an unlimited amount of flights over a month for $599. Apparently, they developed the concept from what they do with your luggage: you pay for one flight and they fly them all over for a long time.

Republicans are saying that Obama’s health care plan is going to kill grandparents. Obama denied it and said it is only old mother-in-laws.

G.M. announced they’ll be releasing a car that gets 230 miles a gallon, but just because it is going to be pulled by a tow truck most of the time.

August 13th 2009

A man holding a sign that read “Death to Obama” was detained in Maryland….. Forcing Fox Network to immediately look for someone to fill in for Glen Beck.

Hillary Clinton compared the corruption in the Nigeria’s elections with what happened in 2000 in the US. The only difference is that in Nigeria they probably really hanged someone named Chad.

Scientists research showed that taking insults lying down is less likely to make you angry. That’s why I never tell my wife what I really think about her pants unless I’m lying down.

Jay Leno says he's lost 12 pounds over the past few months in preparation for his new show. He might lose a lot more because he is thinking of getting rid of John Melendez.

President Obama says that his policies helped the U.S. avoid an economic freefall. Yeah, it is not free anymore.

Man who organized Prop 8 to protect the "sanctity" of marriage is divorcing his wife of 43 years. So he didn’t hate gays, he was just warning them how awful marriage is….

Scientists research showed that taking insults lying down is less likely to make you angry, especially if you have your eyes closed and you’re snoring.

Scientists research showed that taking insults lying down is less likely to make you angry. Why do you think I don’t care when my wife tells me I’m bad in bed….

Stephen Hawking said “I wouldn't be here today if it were not for the NHS” responding to the critics of the British socialized medicine. So nationalized health care leaves you on a wheelchair? I pass…

According to scientists in Spain drinking beer regularly could stop bones from going brittle. This comes in handy because due to beer I usually end up with a fatty on top.

According to scientists in Spain drinking beer regularly could stop bones from going brittle. It is perfect, so I can drink and drive and don’t feel that scared because I have superbones…

A judge sentenced a guy to 6 months in jail for a "loud and boisterous" yawn. On his defense he had just watched Jimmy Fallon.

A judge sentenced a person for yawning. I knew my wife was onto something with her boring long conversations.


According to some research, people lie 3 times in a 10 minutes conversation. Why do you think politicians’ speeches are way longer than 10 minutes?

Members of Congress decided to cancel the purchase of new planes for the use of lawmakers, which is really bad because they were counting on those to hold town hall meetings as far as a possible.

August 12th 2009

Britney Spears’s kids have reportedly started learning how to cuss. But you probably know that already if you cut them off on the road while driving.

A Pennsylvania man was convicted for groping Minnie Mouse at Disney World. He apologized and claimed he was just being goofy.

Bill Clinton celebrated his birthday in Vegas. And right after he blew the candles he called Africa and when Hillary answered he realized his birthday wish of cannibals eating her had not come through.

Political experts are calling “Socialism” the new N word. I doubt it, as I don’t picture 50 cents rapping “sipping Hennessey with my bitches and my socialists…”


Hillary Clinton got upset when a student asked about Bill Clinton and said that she’s not going to be channeling her husband. Apparently, “channeling” is a euphemism for having sex.

A man in a group holding protest signs against Obama had a gun during a town hall meeting hosted by the president. I don’t blame him; I would carry a gun if I was surrounded by those crazy protesters.

A teen set his leg on fire to impress a girl. What a moron; when she told him he wanted him to be like Travis Barker, she meant a drummer, not on fire.

A team of students has found a way for commercial planes to save fuel by flying in formation. Pilots already like that idea and are calling it the “Conga line.”

MC Hammer's cousin has been charged with raping a woman. Apparently, he went on, even though she kept saying “You can’t touch this…”

An Ohio couple recovered their pet tortoise after it went missing for a week. They were happy to get the tortoise and also happy because all this time they kept the water at boiling point for the soup.

100,000 Mexicans attended yesterday the soccer game between the Mexican national team and the US. Organizers said they expected more Mexicans, but unfortunately the game was played in Mexico not in LA.

A wannabe rapper was sentenced to two years in prison for writing a song called "Kill Me a Cop". Wait until his inmates find out he also wrote a song called: “I hate cellmates…”

August 11th 2009

Obama promised an immigration reform in the near future. It is genius, because right after he said that, millions of Republicans felt sick and needed health care.

Obama promised an immigration reform in the near future. You see? He wasn’t lying when he said there’s not going to be free health care for illegals, because he is going to legalize everybody.

According to a recent survey, 58% of Americans talk on their cell phone while driving even in states where it's illegal. The worst part is that the other 42% listen on the cell phone.

Cuba is about to run out of toilet paper. The good thing is they don’t need it… you don’t take dumps when you can’t afford to eat.

Cuba is about to run out of toilet paper. You see what they miss for not being a democracy? You can always wipe your ass with the constitution.

A woman became the first person in the United States to be implanted with a pacemaker that can be monitored over the internet. She was extremely happy until she found out her doctor had AOL.

A pervert in Florida pretended to be brain damaged so a woman would bottle feed him and change his diapers. You see why we shouldn’t have recess in the senate; look at what David Vitter does when he has free time in his hands!

Nearly three out of four British people admit they've turned down sex because they were too tired. The other guy really got tired after serving the wives of all the other lazy people.

A guy in China jumped off a ferry to get away from his wife's nagging. Unfortunately, he survived and had to go home.

Salma Hayek will play a bearded lady in her upcoming movie. So she only needs to trim her beer and she’ll be perfect!

Some rumors over the web say that Lady Gaga might have a penis. It could be true because today I caught Eddy Murphy whistling “Just Dance” and buying tickets for her next concert.

Viagra ice cream will soon go on sale in London. Actually, it doesn’t have any Viagra; men get arouse by seeing women licking the lollypops.

Viagra ice cream will soon go on sale in London. There’s no need of any stimulant if you are fat; you get aroused just by the idea of eating ice-cream.

Thousands of camels will be shot from helicopters and turned into burgers in a bid to halt their trail of havoc across Australia. It seems Sarah’s vacation just ended.

August 10th 2009

2008 saw the number of births in the US decline for the first time since the start of the decade. No wonder more people are going to the movies; there are not as many annoying kids to bother us.

2008 saw the number of births in the US decline for the first time since the start of the decade. Some economists blame the recession, but most experts blame Jon & Kate plus 8.

A study says that men with healthy sperm live longer than other men. That’s why I exercise my penis regularly.

Sarah Palin said that Obama’s health care is going to kill her son Trig because the plan would refuse healthcare to those who aren't considered "productive members of society.” Should she be scared then?

The autopsy of Billy Mays shows he had cocaine in his system when he died. No wonder he didn’t have a line of white hair, he would even snorted it.

"Time" magazine reported that due to tough economic times, fewer people are burying their dead. But that’s just because they want to cash some of dead grandma’s pension checks before the government finds out.

The average dog is about as smart as a 2-year-old child. So I shouldn’t feel guilty when I take my little boy with a leash to take a dump in the park?

The average dog is about as smart as a 2-year-old child. That’s why it was so hard for Michael Vick to convince some of the dogs to fight for him.

The average dog is about as smart as a 2-year-old child. And today American Idol announced they are replacing Paula Abdul with a poodle.

The American Psychological Association says that gay people can’t become straight through therapy. But some of those psychologists say that given the right time they can make straight people gay…

Playboy Enterprises reported an $8.7 million loss for its second quarter. Hugh Heffner said he’ll cut some costs and recover all the money in one quarter when he stops buying Viagra for himself.

Sonia Sotomayor became the first Hispanic to serve on the Supreme Court on Saturday. And today Scalia made an official petition to have her wear robes as short as some of the women’s skirts in Univision.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. administered a pair of oaths to Sonia Sotomayor when she became a Supreme Court judge on Saturday. Her family exploded in cheers when Roberts read the second oath in Spanish and they were finally able to understand what was going on.

A hacker attack shut down Twitter Thursday. The hacker was really depressed when he realized nobody was going to know about it because he couldn’t twitter it.

An obese prisoner in Texas has been charged with illegal possession of a firearm after he was discovered to be hiding a 9mm pistol in between his rolls of fat. He wasn’t that disappointed he got caught, because guards also found his penis which he had not seen in years.

An obese prisoner in Texas has been charged with illegal possession of a firearm after he was discovered to be hiding a 9mm pistol in between his rolls of fat. I don’t want to say he was really fat, but after a thorough search, guards were also able to find an AK 47, a tank and 2 F 15s.

The drug industry will spend as much as $150 million on television ads supporting President Obama’s health care overhaul. It is a payback for all the money Obama helps them make driving Rush Limbaugh crazy.

The drug industry will spend as much as $150 million on television ads supporting President Obama’s health care overhaul. And if you thought prescription drug disclaimers were long during drugs ads, wait till you see the ads supporting Obama’s health care.

A reverend married two horses at a pub in England. It was like any other wedding, the groom had a very long face.

A reverend married two horses at a pub in England. Their honey moon was a night-MARE…

A reverend married two horses at a pub in England. They all hope their marriage will be “stable.”

According to a survey, 6% of people admit they've fallen asleep at the wheel within the last year. Mostly Al Gore’s chauffeurs.

August 5th 2009

The nation of Antigua named its highest mountain after president Obama as a present for his birthday. Republicans were so jealous; they would love their own a mountain to go hiking.

The nation of Antigua named its highest mountain after president Obama as a present for his birthday. Obama promised to one day visit the peak of the mountain so he can sneak a smoke without Michelle bugging him.

Two U.S. journalists who had been detained by North Korea traveled back to the United States with former President Clinton. It was an emotional day for the reporters; not only did they get liberated, but they also became members of the famous Bill Clinton 500 mile club.

According to a recent book, Obama gets 30 death threats a day. Michelle, can you let the poor man light a cigarette in peace?

A toy company in Spain has introduced a new doll that little girls can breastfeed. Or you can be Palin’s daughter and save the money by using your own son.

Some doctors believe that the best way to get a good night sleep is to have sex before bedtime. That’s why my boss is so sleepy at work; he’s screwing the secretary… at work!

Paula Abdul confirmed that she won’t be part of the next season of American Idol. The pharmaceutical companies can’t get a break… first Michael Jackson died and now this?

The White House denied that Bill Clinton issued any kind of apology to North Korea. They can’t say the same about Bill apologizing to Hillary for trying to score with one of the liberated reporters.

Obama celebrated his 48th birthday Tuesday. And after he blew the candles, he immediately made a phone call and got a little disappointed when he discovered his wished didn’t come through; Rush was doing fine.

Eddie Van Halen will guest star on an episode of "Two and a Half Men" this fall. He won't reveal any secrets about the show; his tongue is tied.

August 4th 2009

There's a new bikini that dissolves in water. Or you can just go swimming in the Hudson River wearing any bikini.

President Obama turns 48 today. And as a present, all the members of his administration made a new fake birth certificate that says he is only 44.

Rush Limbaugh has not revealed the secret of the diet that helped him lose 90 Lbs. But everybody suspects it has to do with the fact that the drug store where he gets his prescriptions just moved 2 blocks away from his home.

The Obama administration believes “Cash for Clunkers” is a total success because it helped car dealers sell more than 250,000 new cars. Obama is shooting himself in his foot; with more cars on the streets, traffic will be slower and that will give people more chances to listen to Rush.

Car dealers sold more than 250,000 cars thanks to Cash for Clunkers. The good thing for Obama is that if this plan fails to improve the economy, people at least will have a new car to live in.

President Obama denied rumors that he is going to tax the middle class. He said that that is impossible because there’s no middle class anymore.

Police in Las Vegas say a tamed tiger that escaped from a magic act has been captured. They found it at the casting of “The Hangover 2.”

Police in Las Vegas say a tamed tiger that escaped from a magic act has been captured. Police is waiting for the tiger to move its bowels to see if it ate what’s left of Roy.

A man in Tokyo stabbed a young woman that works at an ear-cleaning salon. Apparently, he blamed her for having his ears cleaned for the first time and discovering how annoying his wife sounds.

US President Barack Obama is the target of more than 30 potential death threats a day… and that just coming from Hillary Clinton.

According to tax lien records posted online, Murfreesboro tea party organizer Christian Hidalgo owes thousands of dollars in unpaid taxes. And today he received an offer to work for the Obama administration and to shoot a sequel of the movie Blade.

Bill Clinton is visiting North Korea on a surprise mission to bring home two jailed American journalists… and then to try to nail them.

Bill Clinton is visiting North Korea on a surprise mission to bring home two jailed American journalists. The media spotted him at a bar trying to pick up chicks with a new line… “Hey, if you thought Kim John Il’s missile was big, wait to see mine!”

The number of Americans on anti-depressants has reached 27 million. The numbers started to grow significantly since The View had its debut on TV.

A toy company in Spain has introduced a new doll that little girls can breastfeed. And if you aren’t appalled by this yet, wait to see the dolls that come with Gary Glitter’s face.

August 3rd 2009

Joe Biden also attended the "beer summit" with Obama, Sergeant James Crowley and Professor Henry Louis Gates Thursday. Apparently, it was a request from Crowley, who was scared of being outnumbered.

Joe Biden had a non-alcoholic beer during the "beer summit". It was Obama's request because he didn't want to have to call later another beer summit to apologize for a drunken Biden's racial tirade.

Experts believe the “Beer Summit” might do a lot to improve the relationship between Blacks and Whites. Not so much for Jose though; he had to serve the beer to those three drunks at the White House.

Obama hosted the beer summit at the White House. It was clear sergeant Crowley had a mission because he kept pouring beer in Obama’s glass and asked repeatedly where he was born for real…

According to a recent survey, the unemployed is more likely to sleep during the week. And the future unemployed is more likely to be napping at work just when the boss walks by.

Virginia Tech engineering students have developed a car that blind people can drive. I hope they are not expensive because I would definitely buy one for my wife.

A study says that divorce can wreak havoc on a person's health. Apparently, too much partying might take its toll.

A Saudi Arabian man who went on an Arabic television talk show to boast about his sex life has been arrested. And today Gene Simmons cancelled the KISS tour to Saudi Arabia.

A bid to set a new world record for the number of women being photographed wearing bikinis in one place failed, after only 42 of the required 1,924 turned up. Still enough to satisfy the 2 million guys that showed up.

Some Right wing radio hosts are complaining that Obama drunk a Bud Light during the beer summit, because Anheuser-Busch is now owned by a Belgian company. It is not that Obama is anti-America, it is just that Bud light goes great with…

Yawning during sex is actually a sign you're turned on. So next time I’m having sex with my wife I’ll leave the TV on during the Jimmy Fallon show.

Three women super-glued a guy's junk to his stomach after learning he was dating all of them at the same time. His penis reaches his stomach? No wonder he was dating 3 women.

Three women super-glued a guy's junk to his stomach after learning he was dating all of them at the same time. I bet you that if his penis had reached his neck, they wouldn’t have dumped him.

A guy put a "registered offender" sign in his window to prevent people with kids from moving in next door. Great idea; I will do the same every time I’m at the movies or in a plane so I don’t have any freaking loud kid sitting close to me.

Five black workers at a Philadelphia waste transfer plant are suing their employer, claiming restrooms are segregated for black and white workers. The employer’s lawyer claims that the separate bathrooms were just to avoid depressing White employees when they compare sizes at the urinals.

A video of the Buick golf tournament made it on the web where you can see Tiger Wood’s reaction when someone in the audience farted. Ironically the noise came from a hole in one.