Ocotber 31st 2009

Today is Halloween; actually, for Republicans it was yesterday; what a scare they got when they saw the new health care reform bill!

Today is Halloween. If you don’t have money for a costume for your kids, just make them go trick or treating and sneezing on people as if they had swine flu.

Today is Halloween. I saw Obama’s daughters going around the White House asking for candies and dressed up as Fox news reporters.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. And today, Fox News started reporting that president Obama turned them into alcoholics.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. Apparently, they are planning to organize a beer Summit between Obama and Fox News.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. That’s great, now every time I spot a woman wearing one of those, I am going to pretend there’s a gas leak.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Better be ready, because I’m going to start faking I got the swine flu all the time.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Unfortunately, Nicole Richie’s bra looks more like a clown nose than a face mask.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. So, with Dolly Parton’s bra we can protect an entire football team.

Southwest Airlines announced one-way travel as low as $25 for travel up to 375 miles. But just like any cab driver, they‘ll do what pilots of the Northwest airlines did and keep you on the air for a while so you’ll have to pay more.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. Apparently, the survey was conducted at a Phish concert.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. You know how difficult it is to explain to kids the conversion from grams to ounces?

The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. It’d better offer a good plan for the optometrist.

There’s an online test that can determine if you're a racist by showing you photos of people of different races, and asks you to assign values, either positive or negative. Be careful… Lou Dobbs already punched and broke 5 computers while taking the test.

The chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said President Obama "is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar." Does it mean we are on our way to be like the Roman Empire and collapse?

The website X-17 Online says that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up and Lindsay now has been seen with a man. Don’t get all happy that she is going straight, guys; the guy was Adam Lambert.

October 29th 2009

Kate Gosselin says she'd "love to be in a movie at some point." She would have been perfect in the movie Amelia, but in her case people would have rooted for her to get lost.

President Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker this week. It motivated a lot of people to become president, because if Bush could, everybody can.

A woman in Georgia scared off a burglar by getting on the floor and acting like a large dog. Unfortunately the other thief had a stick, tossed it while screaming: “catch it” and then ransacked the house.

Football analyst Bob Griese was suspended for making a racial comment about Juan Pablo Montoya. Not everything was bad news for Griese; CNN hired him to fill in for Lou Dobbs.

While presenting a trophy at a London Hotel, Amy Winehouse had a wardrobe malfunction. People got a look at her new boobs, and like always she also showed her crack.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. I know the tickets are expensive, but… come on A-Rod; get Kate Hudson some tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. What’s wrong in exchanging a seat for a seat?

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Judging by her looks, she’d be lucky if she gets outfield tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Police should let her go, because that would be the only chance someone from Philly would get to score during this series.

International wildlife experts said Tuesday that the world's tiger population is declining fast despite efforts to save them. This is really sad news, unless of course you are Roy Horn.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. No wonder Paris Hilton has such a hard time remembering the lyrics of her songs.

A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. How convenient; now when your wife asks you how you got it, you claim you can’t remember.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. I always knew my grandpa was a player!

October 27th 2009

The two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination claimed they got distracted because they were having a discussion in the cockpit. Ironically, they were arguing about the new Amelia Earhart movie.

The two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination claimed they overshot the Airport because they got distracted. Apparently, they were looking for balloon boy.

A Northwest Airlines plane, with more than 140 passengers onboard, sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination. The airline is investigating the case; they don’t know if they are going to charge the passengers an extra full ticket or only half for the 150 extra miles they were on the plane.

Some experts believe the reason the two pilots sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination was because they were napping in the cockpit. Authorities suspect they were sleeping because they were playing a Rob Schneider marathon on board.

Dallas police officers are ticketing drivers who don't speak English. That’s why every time Arnold Schwarzenegger visits Dallas; he does it with a chauffeur.

Dallas police officers are ticketing drivers who don't speak English. If Arnold Schwarzenegger does the same in California, he can definitely fix the state budget.

John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate that would allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications. Apparently, the senator will do anything to stop people from downloading his daughter’s latest picture.

John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate that would allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications. It is pretty ambitious of McCain who handwrote the bill, because he doesn’t know how to use a computer.

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Why do you think Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson. He would have died the next day after he married her.

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Are you insane? A long life next to a woman that will remind you every day how dumb you are?

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Poor Roman Polanski, he is not going live long, because he likes them with only elementary school education.

An Italian man transferred from prison to house arrest tried to get himself locked up again to avoid being with his wife at home. Of course, in prison he would get more sex and at least three meals a day.

President Barack Obama urged banks on Saturday to make loans to small businesses. Banks have no choice because there are no big businesses left anymore.

Google is launching a feature that allows your facebook friends to see what you searched for online. I bet you my friends won’t bring their teenage daughters anymore when we get together for dinner.

Megan Fox said that she doesn’t think men approach her for an intellectual conversation. Duh! Like we approach Janet Reno because she is sexy.

President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. Obama encouraged everybody to take precautions like wearing surgical masks to cover their mouths all the time, especially if you are Rush Limbaugh or any anchor at Fox News.

Meghan McCain turned 25 on Friday. It was a beautiful party, there was cake, a piñata, and she brought the balloons.

A Malaysian woman who gave birth on a plane minutes before it landed will get free flights for life along with her child. Fortunately for her, she wasn’t flying a US airline, because they would have charged her for the baby’s ticket.

A Malaysian woman gave birth on a plane minutes before it landed. She was 5 months pregnant, but the Northwest Airlines pilots flew past their final destination…

According to a new study, keeping a medium-sized dog has the same impact in the environment as driving a 4.6l Land Cruiser. Isn't that amazing? Who would have thought that Michael Vick would do more to end global warming than Al Gore....

According to university officials, six Harvard University medical researchers were poisoned after drinking coffee that was laced with a chemical preservative. And you know that a bunch of rats they always use to test stuff were high fiving each other.

Charmin is offering a job which will pay $10k for five weeks to someone who wants to entertain people that are using a public restroom in Times Square and then blog about it. Why would they offer so much money? Larry Craig would do that job for free.

Charmin is offering a job which will pay $10k for five weeks to someone who wants to entertain people that are using a public restroom in Times Square and then blog about it. Mmm… this smells like a load of crap.

NFL referees are rumored to be getting helmets in 2010 for safety reasons. Unfortunately, so far, no news on getting glasses.

October 23rd 2009

Former President Bush will speak at a seminar called "Get Motivated" in Texas. Bush is extremely qualified… after all, he motivated most of America to vote for Obama.

Former President Bush will speak at a seminar called "Get Motivated" in Texas. The event only charges $19 per office. But they still make a lot of money because they charge $10,000 if you don’t want to hear Bush.

A plane bound for Heathrow had to be grounded at JFK airport, New York, on Sunday after a mouse was spotted in the cabin before take-off. Where are those mother effing snakes when you need them the most?

A plane bound for Heathrow had to be grounded at JFK airport, New York, on Sunday after a mouse was spotted in the cabin before take-off. After the second take-off, passengers were suspiciously rewarded for the wait with a surprise meal.

An Internet rumor that Kanye West had died in a car accident turned out to be a hoax. Sorry Kanye, I don’t want to interrupt, but balloon boy hoax was way better.

An Internet rumor that Kanye West had died in a car accident turned out to be a hoax… forcing thousands of parties all over the country to be cancelled.

Madonna says she hates walking into a place and hearing them play one of her old songs. Easy then, stop visiting retiring homes and you’ll be fine.

According to a new report, using Google may help prevent memory loss among older people. Apparently, when they search for porn, they start remembering what is that they have between their legs.

A square, 32.0-carat-emerald-cut diamond sold for $7.7 million at auction on Wednesday. This cheating is costing Kobe a fortune.

A Colorado newspaper is looking to hire a critic to write reviews of the state's medical marijuana clinics. It makes sense because only high would anyone work for a newspaper nowadays.

According to a leading NASA scientist the Mayan idea that the world is going to end in 2012 is just a myth. Because if Mayans could see that far away in the future why didn’t they ran away before the Spaniards arrive?

Authorities in Texas say 3,000 pounds of marijuana were found stuffed inside cases of melons an 18-wheeler was carrying. I knew those new Amy Winehouse’s breast implants looked weird.

Kirstie Alley has landed a new TV show. Apparently, she’ll play the role of the balloon when the Henne family gets their own reality TV show.

October 21st 2009

A Massachusetts company unveiled a car that changes to a plane in less than 30 seconds. Unfortunately, it changes to a JetBlue plane, so you get stuck without moving for hours.

A team of scientists from Italy and Sweden has developed what is believed to be the first artificial hand that has feeling. Maybe we can force politicians to implant one so they feel something when they put their hands in our pockets.

Researchers at Yale University predict that women in the future will be shorter and plumper. Wow, I always thought my wife was ahead of her time.

Researchers at Yale University predict that women in the future will be shorter and plumper. Bill Clinton is hoping to live to be a hundred and fifty.

Researchers found that surfing the Internet just might be a way to preserve your mental skills as you age. Apparently, finding ways to hide the porn from your wife makes your mind sharp.

Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield were reunited during the Oprah show. It was really emotional, especially at the end when Oprah told Evander Holyfield and the entire audience “You got an ear, and you got an ear, and you got an ear…”

The Pentagon’s personnel chief said Tuesday the military has completed its best recruiting year since 1973. It couldn’t come at a better time now that Obama is going to war with Fox News.

Homeland Security made plans Friday to use facial recognition technology at big sporting events… in case Rush Limbaugh decides to attend one…

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. The radio show is quite popular among high school students in America.

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. I guess they know their “target” audience.

A radio show in Somalia offered guns and grenades as prizes. It was a pirate radio.

The upcoming issue of "Details" magazine has a photo spread of Adam Lambert making out with a nude female model. That’s definitely going to infuriate Ryan Seacrest; he would have done anything to take the model’s place.

The Miss USA pageant organization is suing former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for the cost of her breast augmentation. Enough with the balloons stories!

The Miss USA pageant organization is suing former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, for the cost of her breast augmentation. Carrie Prejean won’t have any problem coming up with the money; she probably expects to collect money from everybody that used them.

David Hasselhoff is in talks to do a reality show on A&E. Judging by his latest problems, it’ll probably be Intervention or Celebrity Rehab…

A sperm bank in California is collecting sperm from celebrity look-alikes so recipients can make their kids look like any star they want. So if you are a moron, you have chances to sell your sperm because you can probably pass as balloon boy’s father.

Susan Boyle was rushed to a hospital in Scotland after suffering from stomach pains. She was clear when she told the hotel employees, “No mirrors, please, or I’ll get sick.”

October 19th 2009

Balloon boy’s father confessed Sunday it was all a hoax to land a reality TV show. Lucky son of a gun; he got one... he'll be on Cops!

It was revealed yesterday that the parents of balloon boy met in a Hollywood acting school. At least they are going to have some help to pay the bond when they demand the money back from those classes.

The family of Falcon, the balloon boy, had already been part of a TV show called Wife Swap. The kid hid for hours, farted and puked on national TV; I think the family would have done better in the TV show Supernanny.

Falcon, the balloon boy, ratted his dad out on National TV when he said “We did this for the show” I think every politician should be forced to have a Falcon next to him. “We didn’t know they didn’t have WMD…” Falcon: “we did this for the show…”

The father of balloon boy told reporters that were gathering outside his house to leave questions in a cardboard box on the front doorstep. Imagine the surprise of the reporters when they opened the box and balloon boy was hiding inside.

TARGET is catching some slack for selling an illegal alien costume for Halloween. The outfit is so realistic; Wal-Mart has already hired 20 people that were trying it out.

TARGET is selling an illegal alien costume for Halloween. It is a rip-off; you can rent a real illegal for half the price.

President Obama proposed giving seniors a check for two hundred fifty dollars… so they can have a great last meal before the death panels arrive!

A woman left with a 10-minute memory after a series of medical mistakes has won $7 million in a compensation package. And 11 minutes later the husband congratulated her for winning $1 million.

A woman left with a 10-minute memory after a series of medical mistakes has won $7 million in a compensation package. Unfortunately for the woman, doctors told her they had already paid her 11 minutes ago.

A study says that driving convertible cars is bad for a person's hearing. Awesome, so all those old guys who feel cool driving convertible won’t hear young girls mocking them.

A study says that poor vision can be tied to a shorter lifespan, especially if you drive without your glasses.

A Ford Motor Co. employee has been charged with stealing its trade secrets for the Chinese. And now China knows how NOT to do cars.

The Mexican capital is putting 1,300 police officers on a diet. So now you know, next time you get in trouble in Mexico, the easiest way to bribe them is with food.

A woman in England has been diagnosed with one of Britain's loudest snores after being found to make more noise than a jet aircraft during her sleep. We tried to talk to her husband but unfortunately we didn’t have anybody to interpret sign language in our staff.

Anheuser-Busch was the exclusive advertiser during SNL on Saturday to promote a new beer. They sold tons, because only drunk you can able to put up with this season of SNL.

Things continue to deflate for the balloon boy’s father. Colorado police may charge the family for perpetrating a hoax. And now Pixar wants to sue them for copyright infringement for stealing the idea from the movie UP.

The mayor of Moscow promised a winter without snow this year. He is going to get lambasted by Fox News for believing in global warming

The mayor of Moscow will use the Air Force and some chemical elements to have a winter without snow in Moscow. Russians say it’ll be interesting to see Santa in Speedos this year.

An all-male college in Atlanta, Georgia, is cracking down on cross-dressing students. Good luck next year trying to get donations from Eddie Murphy.

October 17th 2009

The story of the kid flying in a balloon that captivated the media yesterday seems to have been prepared by the parents to gain some media attention. Most channels felt betrayed, except TLC that found a replacement for Jon& Kate plus 8.

During an interview with Wolf Blitzer, the kid involved in the balloon hoax confessed that they did it all for the show and then accidentally farted. Ironically, after the kid’s confession and fart, the one that messed his pants was the father.

The news yesterday was dominated by stories involving balloons: This kid supposed to be flying in a balloon and Meghan McCain’s picture on twitter.

The parents of the balloon kid say he was hiding in the garage and they looked for the kid everywhere but couldn’t find him. And today Homeland Security contacted the kid to see if he can give them some tips on where Bin Laden could be hiding.

According to a recent survey, 36% of people under 35 admit to texting or Tweeting right after sex, probably to tell their wives that the meeting at work that was running late has just finished.

A new study finds that older people who work past retirement have better physical and mental health. No wonder Brett Favre is having such a stellar season.

Calvin Klein has a new pair of jeans out that make a guy's bulge look bigger. Wow that’s great news for Cher’s daughter Chad!

Calvin Klein has a new pair of jeans out that make a guy's bulge look bigger. They are called Worldwide pants!

Actor Roger Moore, who played James Bond, turned 82 this week. Apparently, he now likes his Metamucil shaken not stirred.

A Louisiana justice of the peace said he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Apparently, he doesn’t want kids out there that might be like the president of the US!

Almost 25,000 visitors are expected to visit the White House gardens this weekend. Unfortunately, they won’t be able to see the garden hoes because they were removed after the Clinton administration.

According to a survey, the average man cries between six and 17 times a year. Or whenever his wife forces him to watch The View.

October 16th 2009

Some reporters claim that Bo, the presidential puppy, recently left a present on the presidential jet. And you can be sure Obama picked it up with a copy of The Wall Street Journal.

Some reporters claim that Bo, the presidential puppy, recently left a present on the presidential jet. The media reported also that Bo later blamed Biden.

Some reporters claim that Bo, the presidential puppy, recently left a present on the presidential jet. No wonder Obama has to fight flies all the time.

A new survey says Mexican adults curse an average of 20 times a day… or every time Lou Dobbs shows up on TV.

A new survey says Mexican adults curse an average of 20 times a day, especially those who just got to California without knowing how bad the economy stinks.

An amendment is headed for senate vote that would exclude illegal immigrants from the population count. If the amendment passes California will officially have only 5 inhabitants.

During an interview, Tina Fey confessed she was a virgin until she met her husband at 24, leaving people wondering how she could be so good at impersonating Sarah Palin then?

Yesterday, more than 40,000 people in South Korea were married in a mass wedding ceremony. You can’t imagine the fight that started when 3,000 brides realized they were wearing the same dress.

A new report claims that Al-Qaeda is struggling financially. Apparently, they got screwed by financier Abdullah Madoff.

There’s a serial burglar stealing dental gold in Seattle. Police is not doing much about it because it helps the music in general when scared rappers are forced to shut their mouths.

President Barack Obama called on Congress Wednesday to approve $250 payments to more than 50 million seniors. And you know that if they pay as fast as the last rebate check, we will only need to send the money to half of those seniors.

Hair salvaged from late pop legend Michael Jackson's scalp is going to be sold at an auction. Experts believe the hair will be sold for a lot of money, especially because the DNA can be used to solve tons of criminal cases.

Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams. You have to believe in karma… so much whishing Obama fails came back to bite him on the ass.

Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams. And today the Cubs started screaming, “Pick me, pick me, Rush, pick me!”

Fox and Burger King are apologizing for making fun of Jessica Simpson’s weight during a skit aired in FOX NFL Sunday. Jessica is said to accept the apology as long as Burger King provides her with coupons for unlimited access to Triple Whoopers.

October 15th 2009

A company is selling a Michelle Obama action figure. They say they won’t be able to sell Barack's because there’s not much action.

A Colorado insurance company changed its mind and will offer coverage to an overweight 4-month-old. I don’t think the parents get it because they celebrated with a big cake for the kid.

President Obama promised to permanently do away with the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy. Hopefully, it will also cover hosts of American Idol.

Roman Polanski is working on his latest movie from jail. We all hope that instead of a nail biting, it is a pillow biting movie.

According to Forbes.com, Tyra Banks is the top-earning woman of primetime TV, which is quite weird because I thought all banks were bankrupt.

According to a CNN survey, anesthesiologist is one of the professions with the best media income in America. Now I know why Al Gore makes so much money.

According to a study, 23% of Facebook users have a yearly income of at least $100,000. If you are going to trust what they write in their profiles, I make millions then.

An American woman born with half a brain has wowed medical staffers by being able to speak and graduate from high school… and also by the way she manages herself as a Fox News reporter!

People in Japan are learning to speak English by listening to President Obama's speeches. Expect Japanese people to make tons of promises that are very hard to fulfill.

According to the US Treasury department, Al-Qaeda is in its worst financial state of many years. Apparently the invested their money with financeer Abdullah Maddoff!

According to the US Treasury department, Al-Qaeda is in its worst financial state of many years. Apparently, they can only afford 50 virgins now.

Aaron Carter denies that he is dating his "Dancing With the Stars" partner, Karina Smirnoff. The one that is having a daily affair with Smirnoff is Hasselhoff

October 14th 2009

Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse will perform together this week on the British talent show "The X Factor". Organizers expect long lines… and also lots of people waiting outside.

Rush Limbaugh will be a judge in the 2010 Miss America pageant. It’ll be easy to get his vote; just trash Obama during the talent portion of the event.

Michael Jackson's single "This Is It" is streaming online. “Believe me, it won’t just be it,” said Tito and Jermaine and La Toya and Joe and…

Paul Anka is getting 50% of the royalties of the new Michael Jackson song: “This is it.” “Yeah, wait in line you sucker,” said Jermane, Tito, La Toya, Joe…

Michael Jackson returned to the airwaves Monday with a new song called “This is it.” I don’t want to say it sucks, but thank God this is just it.

The White House Communications Director declared war to Fox News. And so far, Bill O’Reilly is the only one happy to go commando.

Hillary Clinton was in Russia yesterday discussing Iran's nuclear program. Bill did something similar; he visited a Russian bombshell at a strip joint.

Prosecutors are investigating claims that the former head chef and chief groundskeeper at the Oklahoma governor's mansion raped three female prison inmates assigned to work on the mansion's grounds. The governor says there’s nothing to be concerned about because it wasn’t rape rape.

Malaysia's eastern state of Terengganu is offering free honeymoons worth up to $440 each to rekindle the romance between married couples on the brink of divorce. The promotion seems to be working because I saw Letterman buying a book to learn Malaysian.

During a debate about Global Warming in Madison, Wisconsin, someone in the audience had his microphone cut off by the moderators when he tried to debate Al Gore. The audience reacted happily until they found Al Gore’s microphone was still on.

Homeland Security Secretary announced plans to convert hotels to detain some noncriminal immigrants. Because you know offering illegals free hotels is going to help deter illegal immigration!

Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mom, asked the media to "leave Lindsay alone"! Just like she did when Lindsay was growing up.
Alex Rodriguez wants to play the Dodgers in finals. Apparently, he wants Kate Hudson to ask Manny Ramirez for tips on how to deal with hormonal changes now that she is pregnant.

Doctors say that a woman from Virginia born with half a brain is living a full life. The only downside is that she now behaves like a man.

Doctors say that a woman from Virginia born with half a brain is living a full life. She just beat Jessica Simpson playing checkers.

Rapper Master P. has announced plans to feed and clothe one million people. Apparently he is paying child support for all his illegitimate children.

October 13th 2009

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized for drinking in London this week. Apparently, they found him drunk on the floor trying to eat fish and chips.

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The committee believes he did enough for World Peace. He prevented Sarah Palin from becoming our vice president!

President Obama hosted a pick-up basketball game at the White House last week. And today the NBA named him the 2009 MVP.

Pope Benedict XVI canonized five new saints Sunday. Obama said to be thankful, but he doesn’t think he deserves it.

Bo, president Obama’s dog, celebrated its first birthday on Friday. You can see the stress of living in the White House is taking its toll on the dog. Bo already looks like 14 human-years-old.

Bo, president Obama’s dog, celebrated its first birthday on Friday. The party was attended by the biggest dogs in America: Pluto, Scooby Doo and David Letterman.

Jimmy Kimmel is having sex with a staffer on his late night talk show, "Jimmy Kimmel Live". The only difference with David Letterman is that he is the one blackmailing the employee threatening to disclose her name.

"OK!" magazine claims that Katie Holmes is helping Tom Cruise lose calories by having sex 3 or 4 times a week. What a difference, when I told my wife about it, she bought me a treadmill.

Thousands of gay and lesbian activists marched Sunday from the White House to the Capitol. Security in the area was increased. I saw a lot of cops….construction workers, Indians, cowboys.

President Obama said yesterday he will end “Don’t ask, Don’t Tell” in the military. He immediately told the media, “don’t ask when, because I’m not telling.”

54% of all the companies in America are banning facebook and twitter at work. As long as they don’t ban looking at porn, everybody is ok.

A couple in New York violently attacked the cashier of a McDonald’s restaurant after they received small fries instead of large. That’s a couple that needs to order a happy meal.

A man has been arrested and charged with sexually propositioning his estranged 13-year-old daughter on Facebook, officials said today. I didn’t know Polanski had internet access in jail.

People who expected a spectacular explosion were disappointed when the video of the NASA rocket impacting the moon showed little more than a fuzzy white flash. Maybe NASA should have hired the same guys that faked the first moon landing.

Opponents of banning smoking in public places are starting to mobilize against it all over the country. Fortunately, the complaints will run out of air pretty soon.

Whitney Houston and Amy Winehouse will perform together this week on the British talent show "The X Factor". They both have the biggest pipes in the music business, and great voices as well.

A woman in Milwaukee claimed she was unfairly disqualified during a marathon for using her I-pod during a later portion of the race. What she is not saying is that she threw the I-pod to the head of the woman leading the race.

October 10th 2009

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The award was based on Obama’s power to unite people, especially all Republicans against him.

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Suck it Brazil!!!

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Unfortunately, the ceremony was interrupted by Kanye West who told the committee that French president Sarkozy had a better record this year.

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Sorry committee, but a bunch of flies would disagree.

President Barack Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. Obama immediately said that he doesn’t deserve the prize. Wow for the first time he agrees with the Republicans.

President Obama hosted a pick-up basketball game at the White House last night. The game lasted hours. Obama passed the ball to a Democratic congressman who kept dribbling and dribbling without going anywhere.

NASA crashed a rocket into the moon this morning to detect the presence of water. And today hundreds of werewolves gathered outside NASA to complain about it.

PETA protested with a bunch of people wearing chicken costumes outside the studios were Jay Leno was doing his show. It is weird because the one messing with the chicks was Letterman.

PETA protested with a bunch of people wearing chicken costumes outside the studios were Jay Leno was doing his show. Things got a little bit awkward when Jay walked outside and greeted them thinking they were the members of The View.

Jon Gosselin said he doesn’t want to be on TV anymore. He was pretty sure because he repeated that during his appearances on the Today Show, Entertainment Tonight, E!, Nancy Gray, the Dog Whisperer, Food Network…

Lady Gaga is the 5th female to have at least four top ten "Billboard" singles, and the 20th male…

President Obama will deliver a speech on gay issues this weekend where he’ll probably discuss the latest elimination of Project Runaway.

An Xbox autographed by Sarah Palin is for sale on the Internet. Poor Todd, just when he quit his job to stay home…

A North Dakota woman has a 7-foot-long dog. You can see her walking the dog at night, with a huge industrial bag and a big shovel to pick its poo.

October 9th 2009

Levi Johnston is going to pose for “Playgirl”. Apparently, he wants to exploit his 15 centimeters of fame.

The Spitzer Space Telescope has discovered the biggest but never-before-seen ring around the planet Saturn. If it is the Spitzer telescope it must be a prostitution ring.

The Spitzer Space Telescope has discovered the biggest but never-before-seen ring around the planet Saturn. It is a great accomplishment because the Spitzer usually only focuses on Uranus.

PETA protested with a bunch of people wearing chicken costumes outside the studios were Jay Leno was doing his show yesterday. Leno was mad, because he had the protesters with the chicken outfits, but the PETA protesters that usually get naked went to the Letterman show.

PETA protested outside the studios were Jay Leno was doing his show yesterday. It wasn’t against him but rather against NBC for brutally mistreating the peacock with some of the shows they put on the air this season.

Kim Kardashian is selling her West Hollywood condo for $1.1 million. Apparently, the condo has a huge backdoor entrance.

Justice Department officials said Wednesday that more than 60 percent of children surveyed were exposed to violence within the past year, especially those who joined their parents to some of the Town Hall meetings.

An Atlanta man was awarded $ 9 million in a lawsuit against a clinic that specializes in erectile dysfunction after he had a 2-day-erection that left him with a scarred penis... And probably, a scarred but happy wife!

An Atlanta man was awarded $ 9 million in a lawsuit against a clinic that specializes in erectile dysfunction after he had a 2-day-erection that left him with a scarred penis. He probably got an erection after he got the $9 million… I know I would…

An Atlanta man was awarded $ 9 million in a lawsuit against a clinic that specializes in erectile dysfunction after he had a 2-day-erection that left him with a scarred penis. On his defense, he probably spent a lot of money in condoms.

A Video of Hayden Panettiere's upcoming lesbian kiss with Madeline Zima on "Heroes" has hit the Internet. Awesome; I’m going to be a Hero among my friends when I send the link to all of them.

Kevin Federline's former landlords claim he owes them more than $100,000. On Kevin’s defense, his kids didn’t pay him his allowance when he looked after them last week.

Senior citizens and teens are the fastest-growing group of mobile Internet users. It’s true, I saw Letterman twittering a bunch of young female staff members.

The Weather Channel forecast Monday El Nino will result in a freezing winter this year:
It is already so cold that some Republicans are going to vote for the Health Care reform in Congress just to catch some heat from Rush and Fox News.

It is already so cold that Britney is wearing underwear.
It is so cold that Dick Cheney is faking heart attacks just to get some heat from the electric shocks during CPR.
It is so cold that Michael Moore and Kirstey Alley are not opening the refrigerator just to avoid the draft.
It is so cold that Mark Sandford and David Letterman are using the treadmill inside the house instead of going hiking.

October 8th 2009

President Barack Obama's approval ratings are starting to rise after declining ever since his inauguration. Unfortunately, the polls were done among Brazilians.

The New York Post reports that the doctors that met with Obama this weekend at The White House were given white lab coats to make a more compelling picture. Apparently, the White House has tons of doctor outfits from when Bill Clinton used to play doctor with the interns.

The Obama’s went out for dinner to celebrate their 17th anniversary Saturday. You know that those restaurants Obama visits usually get packed right after he leaves, especially because you know there’s not going to be a fly around.

The Obama’s celebrated their 17th anniversary on Saturday. Things have not been working for Barack lately: the Health care reform didn’t pass yet, we lost the Olympic bid, and judging by Michelle’s face on Sunday morning…

The three men that won the Nobel Prize in physics are the ones that made a great contribution to the latest technology in photography. Apparently, judges awarded them the prize after they saw Meghan Fox’s latest pictures.

Dairy farmers protested in Belgium by spraying cops with milk straight from a cow's udder. And the worst part, they were aiming at the Lactose intolerant cop.

Dairy farmers protested in Belgium by spraying cops with milk straight from a cow's udder. Cops in America would love that, and if they can throw in a donut much better.

Dairy farmers protested in Belgium by spraying cops with milk straight from a cow's udder. It was udder chaos.

Police say a Woman in Nebraska will not face charges for throwing a dog at an officer during a domestic violence investigation. So if you have tickets for the Fashion show, Naomi Campbell is free to perform.

One of the women David Letterman had an affair with was part of an old segment called “Do you know your meat?” She definitely knew David’s.

Jon Goselin is being accused of pulling out almost all the maney from a bank account he shared with his wife Kate. Ironically, all this scandal could have been avoided, if he had pulled out from Kate earlier in life, when they had sex.

A study published by the Times suggest that those who do not drink alcohol have a higher risk of depression that those who do. Ironically, I drink when I’m depressed, so this study doesn’t make much sense.

A study published by the Times suggests that those who drink are less depressed, especially if you are ugly, because that is probably the only chance you have to get laid.

In a recent survey, three out of 10 people said they'd give up sex for a year rather than give up their mobile phones. Those three are probably the ones that enjoy the use of their phones in vibration mode.

An Alabama woman was arrested for letting her 13-year-old daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of her car. On the mom’s defense, it was a Saturn, so the daughter was probably safer on top of the car than inside.

An Alabama mother was arrested for driving down the highway with her 13-year-old daughter inside a cardboard box on top of her van. When Roman Polanski heard the news he was mad, I would have given the daughter a ride on my own lap.

Adult fans at one of Australia's most popular motor sport races, the Bathurst 1000, will be limited to one "slab" of beer a day. Fortunately for the sport, the race drivers can drink as much as they want.

NASA is expected to bomb the moon on Friday. I hope this time we hire a good director for the fake video.

According to CBS, Rush Limbaugh could become one of the owners of the St. Louis Rams. It’ll be a much more predictable team now; with Rush as an owner the team won’t have left tacklers.

October 7th 2009

According to CBS, Rush Limbaugh could become one of the owners of the St. Louis Rams. His maid immediately started to freak out; she can handle her boss’ oxycotin, but the steroids for every player would be too much.

According to CBS, Rush Limbaugh could become one of the owners of the St. Louis Rams. It’ll be a much more predictable team now; with Rush as an owner the team won’t have left tacklers.

According to CBS, Rush Limbaugh could become one of the owners of the St. Louis Rams. The NFL is not happy, but they have a weapon; if they start drug-testing ownership now, maybe it'll scare him out of the running.

Republicans celebrated when Rio de Janeiro was chosen to host the 2016 Olympics. Well, being that Brazil is so close to Argentina, they know that they can save a lot of money by crashing at Mark Sandfords’ mistress’ house.

Kate Gosselin said her kids were "wailing and sobbing" when she told them filming of the show had stopped. Apparently, that was the only chance they had to get water and food, when there was some filming crew around them.

Levi Johnston is doing a commercial for pistachios. I guess living with Sarah Palin’s family for a while makes you an expert on nuts.

David Letterman apologized to his staff during last night's taping of his show and said that he just wasn't thinking ahead. Apparently, he was just thinking of full intercourse.

David Letterman’s ratings are expected to be through the roof after he confessed he had sex with female staffers. My advice: if you’re a woman working for Conan, bring clean underwear.

A message in a bottle written by a Massachusetts woman in 2003 was found 3,000 miles away on the French coast. You see, twitter would have been a lot faster.

An Arizona man faces criminal charges for allegedly posing as a fertility doctor so he could sexually molest men while pretending to give them physical examinations. Fortunately for the guy, he won’t need to pretend he is a doctor in jail to get sperm donations.

Sarah Palin named her book "Going Rogue". Shouldn’t "Going Rouge" be a more appropriate name for Palin’s book?

Japanese Airlines is asking passengers to empty their bladders before boarding because passengers will weigh less, so their fleet of aircraft will save fuel and reduce their carbon emissions. What’s next? Are they going to require colonics or puking before boarding?

Deputies arrested a woman in LA for allegedly biting her boyfriend's tongue during an argument. When the police arrived, the guy was speechless.
According to a study, kids who eat candy every day are much more likely to become criminals when they grow up. The good thing is that they are very easy to catch; they cannot run fast being so fat.

A group led by Newt Gingrich accidentally honored a strip club owner as its "2009 entrepreneur of the year". The owner wasn’t shocked; they had already received several times the Clinton’s Award for the best strippers of the year.
Researchers are working on a vaccine to help cocaine abusers. The good thing is that the patients have experience and can administer the vaccine themselves.

October 5th 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger decided not to grant a pardon to director Roman Polanski. The governor wants Polanski back in America; he knows it’s going to be great for the economy. Do you know how many lawyers lost their jobs when Michael Jackson died?

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had had sex with some of his female staffers to an audience that at times clapped and laughed at the shocking revelation. And today, Mark Sandford, John Edwards and John Ensign were fighting each other to hire Letterman’s writers.

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had had sex with some of his female staffers. The audience laughed thinking it was a joke. That will definitely help Letterman’s ego....

David Letterman revealed during Thursday’s show that he had sex with some of his female staffers. "Not a big deal," said Whoopi, "it wasn’t sex sex…"

Todd Palin has quit his job to spend more time with the family. The Palin’s are all business now; with Jon & Kate plus 8 gone, they only need three more kids to get that gig.

ABC network is discouraging their stars from appearing on the new Jay Leno show. So today Leno cancelled the appointment with the shrink he had scheduled for after the interview with the members of The View.

Rumors are spreading that Kate Hudson is pregnant with A-Rod's baby. I guess Sully Sullenberger wasn’t the only one landing on the Hudson.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round. Obama was devastated, especially because he hoped Kanye would show up at the end of the announcement screaming " Yo IOC, Ima let you finish, but Chicago had the best city for the Olympics."

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round of voting. Maybe instead of sending Obama and Oprah, we should have sent Rod Blogajevich to negotiate; he would have probably gotten Chicago the Olympics, the Soccer World cup and even a nomination for the Nobel Peace prize.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, instead of Chicago. Republicans were happy. Today, to celebrate Rush, Glen Beck and Lou Dobbs went to the Spa for a Brazilian waxing.

The Olympic committee chose Rio de Janeiro to host the Olympics in 2016, and discarded Chicago in the first round. Republicans were happy. Tom Delay can’t wait to dance the Samba during the next Dancing with the Stars.

The Transportation Security Administration plans to install 150 security machines at airport checkpoints that let screeners see under passengers' clothing. Apparently, Homeland Security is determined to, once and for all, know if Lady gaga is a man or a woman.

October 3rd 2009

During the show “So you think you can dance”, one of the contestants flashed her privates while dancing... And today Ellen Degeneres asked if it is too late to change her mind and become a judge of that show instead of Idol...

TV host Letterman admitted to having sex with several of his female show staffers. He now decided to change the name of his company to Worldwide Pants Off.

TV host Letterman admitted to having sex with several of his female show staffers. And I thought the good one with the organ was Paul.

Flavor Flav is heading back to school to obtain his diploma for a new reality TV show. The show is likely to have more seasons than Survivor.

Rumors of a Sarah Silverman / Jimmy Kimmel sex tape have surfaced. Soon you’ll be able to find it in the horror section of your favorite video store.

Sarah Palin is reportedly shopping around for a beauty endorsement deal. She’ll have to fight John Edwards over that one.

The Empire State Building was lit with red and yellow lights to commemorate China's 60th anniversary. Big mistake, it looks so cute, the
Chinese offered to buy two of those.

The nation's first double hand transplant patient just left the hospital but still doesn’t have feeling in his hands. So when he puts his hands in his pockets he feels what everybody else feels… nothing

The nation's first double hand transplant just left the hospital and is doing fine. Question: Now that he has another man’s hands, is it gay for him to play with himself?

The nation's first double hand transplant just left the hospital and is doing fine. He used to be a chef and said he can’t wait to cook. Wait to see the disappointment when he finds out that the hands he was given were from a British person.

A new study from the Center for Health Equity Studies in Sweden has found that the least popular kids in school are more than twice as likely to develop behavioral problems and nine times more likely to develop heart problems. So Dick Cheney must have gotten his good share of wedgies.

According to a recent poll, 88 percent of American employees would be open to a career change. Apparently, the survey was done among the cast of Jon & Kate Plus 8.

The New York Times reported Sen. John Ensign's former mistress and her husband sought an $8.5 million settlement from the Nevada Republican before the affair became public. Why do you think Mark Sandford had an affair with an Argentinean, when they ask for extortion money, they do it in pesos.

A new research says that most babies born in rich countries this century will eventually make it to their 100th birthday. And today AARP magazine was published in Chinese for the first time in history.

Kanye West and Lady Gaga have cancelled their tours. There was not much enthusiasm from the fans; promoters indicated that people would rather go and see Beyonce’s tour.

October 1st 2009

Andrew Young, a former John Edwards’ aide, is writing a book where he claims he has a sextape between John Edwards and his mistress. There’s nothing sexy about it; Edwards spends almost the entire time with the makeup lady.

Letterman admitted to having sex with several of his female show staffers. He now decided to change the name of his company to: Worldwide Pants Off

According to a recent survey, 97% of Americans are against texting while driving. And the other 3% texted FU.

A Canadian circus tycoon blasted off in a spacecraft yesterday wearing a clown nose. What if he happens to have an encounter with aliens, what do you think they are going to think of us?

A millionaire clown blasted off in a spacecraft yesterday. So who is going to host the next season of The Apprentice?

Obama’s ratings continue to plummet. Well now that he wants a shorter summer break for school kids even Malia and Sasha want to vote for Palin.

Hero Capt. Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger flew again today. Unfortunately, the engine of his plane killed the white doves the airline released to welcome him before the flight.

According to US officials, Al Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. So next time you see a suspicious man that asks you to pull his finger, you'd better call Homeland Security.


According to a recent research, flirting with an attractive woman makes men feel good… as long as they don’t mind the pepper spray on their eyes.

According to a recent research, flirting with an attractive woman makes men feel good…. except when their wives are around… being elbowed on the ribs can really hurt.

According to a study, three in five women say they're more likely to fall for a guy if he uses a cheesy line. The study also finds that 5 out of 5 women fall for a man if he breaks the ice by opening his huge wallet.

A district court judge in Kansas City is being accused of masturbating during a divorce mediation. Why do you think justice is blind?

A district court judge in Kansas City is being accused of masturbating during divorce mediation. I always thought you are not supposed to take the law into your own hands…

Sirius XM Radio will add $2 to their listeners monthly satellite radio bills. Come on, you cannot be serious!

Heather Mills will appear on the British TV show "Dancing on Ice". She “hops” she’ll do ok.

Chris Brown released a new single called “I can transform ya”. I hope the song is not about what he did to Rhianna’s face.

A new study from the Center for Health Equity Studies in Sweden has found that the most popular kids in high school are also the healthiest later in life. So Dick Cheney must have gotten his good share of wedgies.

Woody Allen is petitioning for the release of Roman Polanski. “Hey Woody,” said Polanski, “that’s ok, don’t worry, I’m doing fine, you don’t need to sign any letter, concentrate in your movies…”