June 30th 2006

Bin Laden tape
An Islamist Web site posted new audio of Osama Bin Laden saying among other things that the U.S. should return al-Zarqawi's body to his family in Jordan. The U.S. military responded quickly saying that they are working on getting tons of boxes to be able to send all the parts.

A light bulb up his butt.
Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, had a light bulb removed out of his anus. Which makes you think? How many doctors does it take to remove a light bulb out of Mohammads anus?

Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, had a light bulb removed out of his anus. Some of the inmates suspected that, because lately Mohammad had been having crappy ideas.

Rush
Now that the world cup is almost ending, most of the 40,000 prostitutes that went to Germany to work during this event, will be returning home. In other news Rush Limbaugh has just bought a six pack of Viagra.

GITMO ruling
The Supreme Court has struck down military tribunals for detainees at Guantanamo Bay prison, saying they must have real trials in American courts with civilian lawyers. Apparently Dick Cheney is going to start his hunting season a little bit earlier

Immigration
Noami Campbell was once again accused of beating up one of her maids. The media also reported that after the incident, illegal immigration went down %20.

Jenna Bush Teaching in Latin America
Jenna Bush, one of President Bush’s daughters, has been quietly making plans over recent months to leave D.C. for a teaching job in Latin America, most likely around the end of summer. After hearing the news, the Mexican government launched plans to build a wall and send the Mexican army to protect the border.

Jenna Bush, one of President Bush’s daughters, has been quietly making plans over recent months to leave D.C. for a teaching job in Latin America, most likely around the end of summer. She’ll be teaching “Beer Bong 101” during spring break.

Jenna Bush
Jenna Bush, one of president Bush’s daughters, has been quietly making plans over recent months to leave D.C. for a teaching job in Latin America, most likely around the end of summer. After hearing the news, the Mexican government launched plans to build a wall and send the Mexican army to protect the border.

Jenna Bush, one of president Bush’s daughters, has been quietly making plans over recent months to leave D.C. for a teaching job in Latin America, most likely around the end of summer. She’ll be teaching beer bong 101 during spring break

According to people in the White House, Jenna Bush is planning to go to Latin America to get a teaching job position. She will be followed by thousands of Americans that can’t stand her father.

June 29th 2006

War Against the Media
After the New York Times published details of the U.S. bank surveillance program, the Bush administration has declared war on the press. Things are getting so serious they recommended nobody see "Superman" because Clark Kent works for “The Daily Planet."

Puttin Kisses boy
On a walk through the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin kissed a boy on his belly, patted his head and walked off through a crowd of astonished tourists. The Russian president was overhead saying to the kid: “you’d better learn to survive without putting much in there."

On a walk through the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin kissed a boy on his belly, patted his head and walked off through a crowd of astonished tourists. After hearing the news Michael Jackson applied immediately to become a Russian citizen with serious intentions of running for office. The new Jesus juice is made out of vodka.

Star Jones
Star Jones said during a radio interview that Barbara Walter’s statement during “The View" was really hard to digest, not because she said anything new but because everything is hard to digest after her gastric bypass surgery.

Star Jones called Ryan Secrest’s radio show to respond to Barbara Walter after the last episode of "the View". When asked by the media why she chose Secrest to reply to Walters, she answered that she felt like she was talking to her husband

IRS vs Prostitutes
Sen. Charles Grassley wants the IRS to target prostitution. It is going to be hard for the IRS to win this battle because for the first time they are dealing with someone as good as they are at screwing people.

Sen. Charles Grassley wants the IRS to target sex traffickers. If this means prostitutes are going to charge more in no way this story can have a happy ending.

Sen. Charles Grassley wants the IRS to target Pimps and sex traffickers. Immediately after the news, Charlie Sheen and former president Clinton summoned a march to protest against this initiative.

Senator Charles Grassley wants to pass a law that would tax sex traffickers for their earnings. This means that in the near future we will have to pick up most of the prostitutes by the Home Depot.

Rush Limbaugh and the BONER-gate
Rush Limbaugh was detained at the Palm Beach, Florida airport after Viagra prescribed to his doctor was found in his luggage. Isn’t it ironic that someone that made a living hating the BLUE States depends so much on the BLUE pills?

Celebrities
Inspired by multibillionaire Warren Buffet, Asian actor Jackie Chan, says he is going to give half of his fortune to charity when he dies. Apparently the chosen foundation is the English Language which he helped to destroy throughout his career.

June 28th 2006

Hey thanks to Joe Hickman for publishing some of my jokes on his webpage. It is a great webpage for comedy, check it out www.halife.com
Also, feel free to contact me for ideas, suggestions, comments, or if you have any prediction for Argentina vs Alemania in the world cup. (no jokes about the Natzis in Argentina being confused because they do not know who to root for.....)
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Flooding in Washington
Devastating flooding in Washington DC brought some of the bad consequences that affected New Orleans after the Hurricane Katrina. The local media reported that looters have invaded Capitol Hill. Oh, wait, they’ve been there all the time…

After a massive flooding caused by several days of rain, some people in the Washington DC area are asking FEMA to step up and help. FEMA authorities claimed they would like to give them the same FEMA cards that were distributed in New Orleans, but congressmen have ALREADY used the tax money on luxurious trips, bottle of champagnes, and Girl Gone Wild Videos.

The Bush administration has decided to act quickly against the flooding that has affected the Washington DC area, and promised the construction of a levee to stop any kind of leaking.


Rush Limbaugh
After Rush Limbaugh’s scandal with the unprescribed Viagra found in his luggage , some people in the media speculated that the famous radio host went to the Dominican Republic for its sex tourism. He denied those allegations and said he traveled there to play golf and took Viagra only to make a hole in one.

Several media pundits attacked radio host Rush Limbaugh for the incident involving unprescribed Viagra. During his cable show, Bill O'Reilly wondered why Limbaugh would need Viagra when you can perfectly please a woman with a loofah.

Celebrities.
The Backstreet Boys have lost a group member. The band announced this past Saturday that Kevin Richardson, the oldest member of the group has left the band. Apparently the decision was taken because lately Kevin was hit on more often by Anna Nicolle Smith than Michael Jackson.

Axl Rose was arrested in Stockholm, Sweden for allegedly biting a security guard in the leg at his hotel. According to the media report not only did Axl lost his dignity but also his fake denture.

Viagra
Scientists have found that Viagra might help people cope better with high altitudes. Now I understand why so many people want to be part of the Mile High Club and have sex on planes.

Snake
Researchers have discovered a venomous species of snake that can change its skin color. Democrats wanted to name it Joe Lieberman.

New York Times
After the New York Times published details of the U.S. bank surveillance program, some congressman became infuriated and told reporters they want the head of the leaker that shared the story with the paper. According to a survey prostate examinations increased 30 percent in only one day.

June 27th 2006

Heavy Rains in Washington
Heavy rains wreaked havoc all over Washington DC causing massive floods in most of the federal buildings. Now we understand why there's so much leaking in the White House.

Due to the heavy rain a lot of people lost power in the Washington DC area, most of them from the Democratic Party.

It rained so much in Capitol Hill that Patrick Kennedy crashed his boat on a barricade.

Heavy rains in the Washington DC area forced the Justice Department building to close but nobody noticed the difference.

Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription. When Limbaugh was asked why he needed Viagra, he explained he bought it to deal with his hearing problem, because he will finally be able to hear his partner moan in bed.

According to Limbaugh, a doctor had prescribed the drug, but it was ''labeled as being issued to the physician rather than Mr. Limbaugh to avoid embarrassment: He probably did it to protect his partner, because it is really embarrassing for someone to admit she is having sex with Rush Limbaugh.....

Viagra for Soldiers
Scientists have found that Viagra might help soldiers in the mountains of Afghanistan because it helps them cope better with high altitudes. According to expert it also saves the army a lot of money on tents for the soldiers.

New York Times
In a recent study, the Oxford Dictionary determined that "Time" is the most used noun in the English language. According to the Bush administration the second most used noun, next to TIME should be "treason"

President Bush called it "disgraceful" that the New York Times had disclosed a secret CIA-Treasury program track millions of financial records in search of terrorist suspects. Bush was really mad at the paper for publishing the article because he had to have someone reading it to him.

Today is so hot that:
It is so hot that Britney Spears dropped her baby in a pool.
It is so hot that Angelina Jolie adopted a bunch of Eskimos.

Immigration
Elections in Mexico are to be held next Sunday and the 2 main candidates have opposing political ideas, one leaning right and the other leaning left. One wants Mexicans to come to the United States through right side of the border, the other though the left side of the border.

According to congressmen, the immigration bill is not likely to pass this year. Millions of Mexicans marched this Saturday on the street to protest, not so much about the bill, but about the referee, who they blamed for their elimination on the World Cup.

Saddam
Saddam Hussein believes the United States will have to seek his help if they want to control the insurgency in Iraq. It seems those long 2 hours of starvation during his hunger strike have gone to his head and made him delirious.

Saddam Hussein believes the United States will have to seek his help if they want to control the insurgency in Iraq and said the authorities are going to knock at his door eventually. Authorities agreed with Saddam, they will knock at his door, give him a substantial meal, sit him in a comfortable chair and fry his ass; that will help to stop the insurgency.

Iraqi Amnesty
The Iraqi government is offering amnesty to prisoners that killed and wounded Americans. In other news WALMART has just decided to open a series of stores in Baghdad.


It's so hot
This summer has started hotter than ever in the States......It is so hot today that Ben Roethlisberger rode his bike without a helmet again.
It is so hot that illegal aliens decided to build the wall in the border just to catch some shade.
It is so hot today that Patrick Kennedy crashed into an ice cream truck.It is so hot today that Kevin Fetherline finally got up of the couch..... To turn on the fan.
It is so hot today that Britney is driving her baby dangling from the car window.

Microsoft
Microsoft is working on a series of programs that will blend phone with computers, making it easier for the NSA to tap our phones and e-mails at the same time.

Movie “Click”
“Click,” the Adam Sandler movie, is the number one movie at the box office. It is the story of a person that has a remote control capable of controlling everything in the world. People at the movie theatre wished they had this remote control to change “Click” for “Nacho Libre.”

Hey everybody, just a favor, please share this link with more people, I do this for fun and the only reward I have is to get visits. ahh and I want to thanks an awesome webpage www.halife.com for posting my jokes and helping me with getting my jokes out there, if you like jokes, that is the page to visit.

CEO's salaries
According to a study, the average CEO made 262 times more than the average worker. I think it is time we start sneaking in rich illegal immigrants.

North Korea Missile
North Korea has fueled and is ready to test a Taepodong-2 missile with the capacity of reaching the US. Pentagon officials said they are prepared to intercept the Taepodong-2 missile with a condom

It's so hot
This summer has started hotter than ever in the States......

It is so hot out there that thousands of Americans went to the airport to receive the US soccer team that got eliminated in Germany just to enjoy the air conditioner at the airport.

It is so hot that illegal aliens decided to build the wall in the border just to catch some shade.

It is so hot today Patrick Kennedy crashed into an ice cream truck

It is so hot today that Kevin Fetherline finally got up of the couch..... To turn on the fan.

It is so hot today Britney is driving her baby dangling from the window of the car.

It is so hot today that Democrats have proposed a bill to bring the troops back to Alaska.

Recruitment age
The U.S. Army raised its maximum enlistment age to 42 years old. According to the Bush administration increasing the age systematically solves two major problems: we reach the recruiting target for the war in Iraq and if things continue like they are now there, we help the future of the Social Security system.

The U.S. Army raised its maximum enlistment age to 42 years old. If we continue increasing the age, soldiers will have to fight Iraq and arthritis at the same time.

Who are we going to send next to fight: the baby BOOOOM-er generation?
Amnesty to Iraqis

Iraqi Amnesty
The Iraqi government is offering amnesty to prisoners that killed and wounded Americans. I don’t know about you but next time I drive by Home Depot I am going to be extra careful.

Heart Attacks to fired people
According to a study people who had recently been fired from their jobs were TWICE as likely to have heart attacks or strokes than people who were still gainfully employed. Especially when you think of how to tell your wife about it or when you realize you have to go back to live with your parents.

World Cup Jokes

These are world cup jokes that I have posted throughout this month, you might find them useful....thanks
Pedro

World Cup
The US soccer team has a must win game against the Ghana national team if they wish to advance to the next round during the world cup. According to the US coach, they have a plan to get the victory; he is going to ask Angelina Jolie to adopt the 11 players from Ghana.

A heated debate in congress had a rare outcome yesterday when both Republicans and Democrats agreed that things were not working as planned and demanded to bring our men back. Both parties concluded the US soccer team should leave Germany immediately because they suck.

After watching the first match of the US soccer team in the world cup, President Bush offered Coach Bruce Arena the chance of taking care of the situation in Iraq. He could be the only person capable of planning a quick exit strategy, like the one his team will have in the world cup.

After a long session the US congress has finally agreed on the construction of a wall, not yet in the border with Mexico, but in the US National Team Goal to protect them from further embarrassment in the world cup.

Last week U.S. National Guard troops arrived in Arizona to protect the border with Mexico. The guards cannot carry guns and are not allowed to detain any illegal immigrant. They cannot stop anybody… Who did Bush send? players from the US national soccer team defense??

June 22nd 2006

Immigration Bill
According to Republican congressional leaders an immigration bill offering citizenship to undocumented workers is unlikely to pass this year. Mexicans are really concerned, very preocuppied, not so much about the bill, but rather about the fact that their national soccer team lost to Portugal in the World Cup.

Minimum Wage
Senate Republicans smothered a proposed election-year increase in the minimum wage Wednesday claiming that a minimum wage increase could create more unemployment. They are afraid companies might fire their asses out of congress.

Out of Coma
A five-year-old British girl awoke from a 10-day coma when James Blunt's song "You're Beautiful" came on the hospital radio. Apparently she got up to turn the radio off.

Village People
Victor Willis, the original "Police Officer" in the Village People, is going to rehab to fight his addiction with drugs. I can hear the concert of flushing toilets in the rehab center when they see someone dress as a cop showing up.

Rats
US scientists have for the first time used embryonic stem cell to help paralyzed rats walk. Dont we have enough rats in New York walking on the streets to make the paralyzed ones joined them now?
US scientists have for the first time used embryonic stem cell to help paralyzed rats walk. Whats next? Gay rats getting married?

North Korea
North Korea is preparing to test fire a long-range missile that could reach the United States. A source in the White House said that if the missile is launched, the United States would try to intercept it with "Star Wars", the new missile defense shield. Who are we kidding? We cannot stop a van crossing the border that goes at 30 MPH, packed with 30 undocumented workers, and we pretend we can stop a missile!

National Guard
The National Guard predicted it will miss its recruiting target for a second straight year. Authorities have come up with a strategy to raise the number of troops; they think recruiting people to patrol Bourbon street in New Orleans might help.

Fired
A new study from the Yale School of Medicine finds that, for middle-aged people, getting fired has a HUGE negative effect on your health. It is called starvation.

June 21st 2006

Mexican Elections
Mexico is holding elections in 2 weeks and the main candidates presented their political platforms. One of them is encouraging Mexicans to go to the US to find jobs; whereas the other is encouraging jobs in the US to let Mexicans take them.

World Cup
The US soccer team has a must win game against the Ghana national team if they wish to advance to the next round during the world cup. According to the US coach, they have a plan to get the victory; he is going to ask Angelina Jolie to adopt the 11 players from Ghana.

NBA finals
The Dallas Mavericks owner claimed that his team lost the NBA finals because the NBA is rigged. Apparently those comments made Fidel Castro the second most hated Cuban in Miami, Florida.

Dan Rather
Working America, the AFL-CIO union federation's affiliate for nonunion workers, is giving away a vacation to the person with the worst boss in the country. I think Dan rather is going to Disneyland for free this year.

Democratic Party
The media is reporting that the war in Iraq has divided the Democratic Party. Democratic leaders disagree with that and claim that there relationship inside the party is as cohesive as Bill and Hillarys marriage.

Underwater
A group of 21 Austrian journalists claim to have broken a world record after taking part in an underwater press conference, apparently the have not heard of Anderson Cooper, New Orleans and Katrina.

Better Hearing.
A study found that Hispanics have better hearing that white people; they can hear "la migra" from miles and miles away.

June 20th 2006

Voting
A great number of legal Latino residents are trying to become American citizens to be able to vote in the midterm elections. Once again, Latinos are doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do: Vote.

New Orleans
After a violent weekend, the National Guard was sent to New Orleans to patrol the city for the first time since Hurricane Katrina. Apparently they are heavily armed with large quantities of beads.

War in Iraq
Last week congress had a long debate on the war in Iraq and everybody lamented the 2500 soldiers that died in combat. Everybody but Ann Coulter, who is thinking of all the widows she can now trash to sell more books.

Consumer-health groups continue their attack on companies that contribute with the obesity of America. First they complained about KFC, then Starbucks, and now the latest target is the war in Iraq because it’s making Halliburton’s stock holders fat rich.

Cheney
During a press conference, Vice president Cheney said that after 9/11, the United States has been safe and secure , unless of course you go hunting with him.

FEMA
With the arrival of Alberto, Hurricane season has just began or as FEMA calls it "Vacation."

Whale Hunting
The International Whaling Commission voted in favor of a resolution that branded the ban on whale hunting no longer necessary. After the resolution was passed, Oprah Winfrey and Rossie O’Donnel increased their number of bodyguards.

Jolie
Angelina Jolie said that she is thinking of adopting again, and that she and Brad are scouting several different countries to decide where the child will come from. I am dead sure that the lucky country will truly greet them as liberators.

June 19th 2006 later.......

Nestlé, the Swiss food giant, has agreed to pay about $600 million to buy Jenny Craig, the weight loss company. After these rumors circulated in the market, Jenny Craig's stocks went up 300lbs.

June 19th 2006

North Korea
North Korea is preparing to test fire a long-range missile that could reach the United States. A source in the White House said that if the missile is launched, the United States would try to intercept it with "Star Wars", the new missile defense shield. Honestly I don’t feel that secure, we cannot stop a van crossing the border that goes at 30 MPH, packed with 30 undocumented workers, and we pretend we can stop a missile?

Politics
Republicans in Congress believe House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi has had plastic surgery done on her face. They claim that that is the only way she can defend the Democrats' new domestic agenda with such a straight face.

Republicans in Congress claim that one of the records that Magician David Blane tried to achieve has been broken by someone in congress, because every time Congressman John Murtha is asked a question about the incident in Haditha he can talk for more than 10 minutes without breathing.

Gas Price
Gas company executives said that the solution to lower the price of gas is to reduce the demand. They claim that the United States has about 5 percent of the population and yet it uses about 25 percent of the world's consumption of oil. What he forgot to say is that we have 75 percent of the biggest asses in the world.

Gates
Bill Gates has announced he will end his day-to-day work at Microsoft in two years. Apparently the Microsoft founder wants to focus on a task that will probably take almost the rest of his life: cleaning his own house.

World Cup
In a dramatic game, the US soccer team tied with Italy and is on the verge of elimination from the World Cup. The good news for their goalkeeper is that he had such a great performance protecting the Net that Microsoft wants to hire him.

Heather Mills.
It’s estimated that over 40,000 prostitutes have gone to Germany for the World Cup. According to the British Tabloids Heather Mills is going to perform around the world in Munich.

The British tabloids insist that Sir Paul McCartney’s wife has a shady past and hooked for Wealthy Arabs. The Bush administration has contacted her and put her in charge of any future negotiations with the Middle East.

Starbucks
Consumer-health groups said they are planning to campaign against Starbucks because its products contain a lot of calories and contribute with the obesity of America. According to the study, not only Starbucks customers get fat, but also its owner selling them and collecting all the money.

Gary Glitter
NFL asked its teams to no longer play convicted pedophile Gary Glitter's "Rock And Roll Part II" at its games. The NBA authorities wanted to support that initiative but don’t seem to get it. During the NBA finals they all chanted along "Thriller."

June 16th 2006

Debate in Congress
In a heated debate in congress, Republicans said that the "Cut and Run" strategy Democrats want to put into practice in Iraq will never work. Well, it worked for OJ though.........

A heated debate in congress had a rare outcome yesterday when both Republicans and Democrats agreed that things were not working as planned and demanded to bring our men back. Both parties concluded the US soccer team should leave Germany immediately because they suck.

You know what they call the US soccer team goalkeeper? The penguin, because he has no arms........

Zarqawi’s Huge treassure
Iraq's national security adviser said that a "huge treasure" of documents and computer records was found in al-Zarqawi's hideout. Apparently they found a thumb drive on al-Zarqawi’s pocket and they were sure it was a thumb drive because they don’t think al-Zarqawi was happy to see them.

The reading of al-Zarqawi’s will took place yesterday. His wife inherited two deep, huge pools.

Al Qaida named Abu Hamza Al Muhajer the successor to Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, saying he would continue the campaign of attacks against Shiites and US and Iraqi forces. Apparently Al Qaida obtained his resume from "monster.com"

Bush’s Mistake
During a Press conference, President Bush poked fun at a reporter for wearing sunglasses without realizing the reporter was legally blind. Later, Bush apologized to the reporter and said he thought that the only blind reporters were from Fox News.

To make up for the mistake Bush invited the blind reporter to spend the afternoon watching Buster Keaton movies.

Ben Roethlisberger
Super Bowl-winning quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said he was lucky to be alive after his accident this week and promised to always wear a helmet. His doctors agree because after hitting his head hard on the pavement Roethlisberger is forced to wear all the time one of those "Special” helmets.

CHER visited Washington to speak before the House Armed Services Subcommittee in support of OPERATION HELMET. Operation Helmet is a new organization that provides helmet upgrades to football players that ride motorcycles.

June 15th 2006

Bush's Mistake
During a Press conference, president Bush poked fun at a reporter for wearing sunglasses without realizing the reporter was legally blind. Later, Bush apologized to the reporter and to make up for the mistake invited the reporter to spend the afternoon watching Buster Keaton's movies.

Bush Visits Seattle
President Bush will visit the Washington state to raise money for the re-election campaign of Republican Rep. David Reichert. According to reporters Bush's visit is going to be as long in Seattle as it was in Iraq. I know coffee makes people crazy, but are people in Seattle as dangerous as people in Iraq? Is Bush afraid of the Starbuck insurgency that's why he doesn't want to overnight?

President Bush will visit the Washington state to raise money for the re-election campaign of Republican Rep. David Reichert. According to reporters it will cost $1000 to attend the reception. Now I understand why Wal-Mart hires illegal immigrants, they are cheaper, last time Mexican President Fox visited Seattle he only charged a $150 a plate. The sad story for Republican Rep. David Reichert is that with all the Mexicans in Seattle, Fox will probably raised more money than Bush.

During the same event money from a $10,000-a-person photo opportunity with the president will go to the state Republican Party for campaign activities. They'd better hurry up because in a couple of months Bush will probably have to pay to take pictures with people.

According to rumors, Bush's impersonator is charging $20 000 per photo.

Alberto

Why don't we name Hurricanes with Indian names, maybe we can outsorce them all.

June 14th 2006

Bush visits Iraq
President Bush made his second visit to Baghdad since the 2003 invasion. The arrival was kept as a secret for most of the press and even for the new Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. According to press secretary Tony Snow, Bush learned how to sneak in without being noticed from experts like the White House gardeners and cooks.

President Bush stayed only for 5 hours during his second visit to Baghdad. Apparently to prove how much Iraqis love him, he was invited to overnight in one the famous SAFE Iraqi houses, like Al-Zarqawi's, but Bush declined.

Republicans praised Bush’s visit to Baghdad and called it a "high five" moment for the president. Sadly for Bush, Iraqis can’t call it that way because most of their arms were blown off by the insurgency.

Talking about Iraq, according to a survey, 65 percent of the American youth cannot locate Iraq in a map. If we keep dropping 500lbs bombs neither will be the other 35 percent.

Katrina Fraud
The government doled out as much as $1.4 billion in fraudulent assistance to victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. According to Federal Investigators, one man used FEMA assistance money to buy "Girls Gone Wild Videos." When asked about this, he said he just wanted to remember how New Orleans used to be before Katrina.

Federal investigators informed Congress that one man apparently used FEMA assistance money for a sex change operation. Well, if you are going to get screwed by FEMA, at least you are entitled to enjoy it all the way.

Federal investigators also informed Congress that a person spent 70 days at a Hawaiian hotel on taxpayer help. So when a poor person that lost everything to a Hurricane and received late assistant by a federal agency spent taxpayer money on his own vacation it is a crime, but when a congressman does it , it is for the well being of the country.

Alberto
According to experts, Alberto wasn’t as big of a threat as some people in Florida expected. Apparently Alberto had papers and was legal.

Darryl Hannah
Actress Darryl Hannah was taken down from a tree where she was protesting and was arrested on trespassing charges. What is going on with celebrities lately? First Keith Richards climbing the coconut tree, now Hannah climbing a walnut tree, can’t celebrities buy fruit in a supermarket like everybody else?

June 13th 2006

World Cup
After a long session the US congress has finally agreed on the construction of a wall, not yet in the border with Mexico, but in the US National Team Goal to protect them from further embarrassment in the world cup.

Last week U.S. National Guard troops arrived in Arizona to protect the border with Mexico. The guards cannot carry guns and are not allowed to detain any illegal immigrant. They cannot stop anybody… Who did Bush send? players from the US national soccer team defense??

After watching the first match of the US soccer team in the world cup, President Bush offered Coach Bruce Arena the chance of taking care of the situation in Iraq. He could be the only person capable of planning a quick exit strategy, like the one his team will have in the world cup.

Alberto
Hurricane season started and the first tropical storm to hit the coast of Florida was named Alberto. Don’t you think it is stupid to name a Hurricane with a Spanish name? They will keep coming, and coming and coming.

Some meteorologist warned this Hurricane season is going to be very hard. Apparently they saw Alberto and lots of hurricanes crossing the border in a van.

Migraine
Researchers have found that people who suffer migraines have a higher sex drive. So I guess my wife is doing it with the milkman, because every time I want to do it with her she says she has a headache.

NSA
According to reporters, the NSA has been obtaining information of individuals that post their profile on Myspace.com. So far the NSA has arrived to the conclusion that the majority of the people in America make more than a hundred-thousand dollars a year, are between 14 and 18 years old, all with hot bodies and are willing to meet you at the mall.

Al Qaida
Al Qaida named Abu Hamza Al Muhajer the successor to Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, saying he would continue the campaign of attacks against Shiites and US and Iraqi forces. Apparently Al Qaida obtained his resume from "monster.com"

Ann Coulter
According to Amazon.com, Ann Coulter’s book is the number 1 in America. After the sales jump Coulter saw with her controversial remarks about the 9/11 widows, she is not going to stop now. Apparently she is now going against the widows of Al Zarqawi.

June 12th 2006

Iraq
In his latest radio address, president Bush said that he is thinking of reducing the number of troops in Iraq and hope to reassign them where they are most needed. Apparently the soldiers are going to be sent to Germany because somebody in Europe needs to cheer for the US soccer team during the world cup.


Al-Zarqawi

According to US forces Al-Zarqawi somehow managed to survive the impact of the bombs and was heard mumbling something before he died. Apparently the last words of the Al Qaeda leader were: "Holy Shiite, I didn’t have time to buy condoms "

Immediately after the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the US military released a picture of the face of the Al Qaida leader all bruised and covered in blood. After analyzing it, experts agreed that with that ugly face there’s no way al-Zarqawi holds any chances with any of the 72 Virgins.

According to US forces the bombs they used to strike Al-Zarqawi weight 250lbs and are called Oprah because from far away they look very small but once you have them close they are huge and you’d better run for cover.

Immigration
The US congress is still working on the possibility of a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. The disagreement among congressmen lies on the number of Mexicans they want to become Americans; so far they all agree on legalizing not 11 million, but 11 to make a new US soccer team that holds chances in the world cup.

Ann Coulter

German police have been on the lookout for any people that might incite violence with racist comments or symbols during the world cup. So far they have been pretty successful keeping Ann Coulter out of Germany.

Tom Delay
Accused of taking gifts from lobbyists, Congressman Tom Delay left Congress last Friday. The Ex majority leader gave an emotional speech and said he wants to go to Texas to think and rest. Now that he is out of congress he’ll probably have to get there hitchhiking.

Cars

The animated comedy "Cars" raced to first place at the weekend box office with a $62.8 million debut. According to experts the success relies on the fact that with the price of gas this is the only chance for a lot of Americans to see cars running.

June 11th 2006

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
Al Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed today. According to media reports U.S. warplanes dropped 500-pound bombs on his isolated safe house. I wonder how the “unsafe” house would be.......According to high ranked officials what should be thanked for the death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was the 25, not the $25 millions bounty on his head but the almost 25 percent approval rating of president Bush.

Oil prices sank Thursday following the death of al-Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. When Dick Chenney heard the news about oil, he asked the military if he is still in time to give Zarqawi mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Iraqis gathered on the streets and celebrated the death of al-Zarqawi with gun fire. Sadly, they were aiming at each other and at the American troops.

Al Qaida leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed yesterday. According to media reports U.S. warplanes dropped 500-pound bombs on the Democratic Party.

The first photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's new daughter have arrived. People magazine paid a reported four million-dollars for the North American rights to the snapshots. The magazine made a heck of a deal if we compare it to the $25 million that the Bush administration had to pay for the picture of al-Zarqawi.

Immigration
In a gathering of Hispanic leaders, President Bush said Thursday that the idea that the United States could force millions of illegal immigrants to return home "ain't gonna work." Ironically, in the same meeting Bush said that illegal immigrants should be required to learn English.

Ann Coulter
Right wing conservatives are very concerned with the outrageous and preposterous comments that Ann Coulter made during her several TV appearances, not because they disagree with her but because they are afraid that men might despise Ann so much, they would decide to go gay and get married.

Ann Coulter's insane beef with the 9-11 widows that were displeased with the Bush administration, has catapulted her book to number one. The good news for Ann is that if the war in Iraq continues like this, she will have a lot more disgruntled widows to argue with.

During an interview on the Today Show, radio Host Ann Coulter called the 9-11 widows that criticized Bush a bunch of millionaire broads that profit the death of their husbands. After hearing so much crap coming out of her mouth, a stunned Matt Lauer suggested that maybe Ann Coulter was the one that needed a Colonoscopy.

Gay Marriage

Conservatives say that the latest discussions on banning gay marriage have helped Bush to improve his ratings but might have also contributed with the collapse of the Market because CEOs in jail might not want to put out unless they are married first.

Patrick Kennedy
After coming out of rehab congressman Patrick Kennedy said he wants to be treated like a black man. When they heard that, all Republicans in Jail said they would like to be treated like a Mexican man, like an illegal Mexican, just pay a fine and leave.

White House
The Secret Service caught a man trying to climb over the White House fence, to what Clinton said: "what an amateur, I used to do it all the time and Hillary never caught me".

Snakes
An India News Agency reported that this Monday an Indian woman married a king cobra in a traditional Hindu ceremony. Apparently the King Cobra had traveled to Vegas for the bachelor party and used the footage for the movie "Snakes on a plane"

Brad and Angelina
After Angelina and Brad sold their baby photos for $5 million and donated the money to the people of Namibia. In an emotional ceremony citizens of Namibia gathered to thank the couple and showered them with significant presents, a lot of Viagra and sexy underwear so Brad can go and make more babies to sell more pictures.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have denied rumors of an immediate marriage. According to the couple, they dont want Oprah to crash their wedding too.

Past jokes from June

Bush
Last week Reuters was criticized for publishing a picture of President Bush covered almost entirely by a podium and only showing part of his head as if Bush was short. According to the news agency it wasn't the angle of the photo that made Bush look like that, but the fact that lies have short legs.

Ann Coulter
During an interview on the Today Show, radio Host Ann Coulter called the 9-11 widows that criticized Bush a bunch of millionaire broads that profit the death of their husbands. After hearing so much crap coming out of her mouth, a stunned Matt Lauer suggested that maybe Ann Coulter was the one that needed a Colonoscopy.

Canadian Terrorists
Canadian Police reported that the 17 arrested Muslim terror suspects planned to behead the Canadian prime minister. Apparently authorities found invitations addressed to the Canadian prime minister to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey crashed several Tulsa, Oklahoma wedding receptions over the weekend, collecting footage that will be seen on her show. Couples were stunned to discover that their wedding cakes had suddenly vanished.

American Idol
American Idol darling Chris Daughtry has decided to do his own thing, declining a chance to front the band Fuel. That proves how stupid these American Idol contestants are when in this time and age you pass on FUEL.

Immigration
Nearly half of the estimated 12 million undocumented foreigners in the United States entered the country with legal Visas and simply never left. The solution would be to cut their food, booze and TV. It works with most of my relatives when they come to visit me during the weekend and decide to overstay.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. For Bush it felt like the good old days, when his ratings were really high. He was greeted by a lot of vans packed with people; those were illegal aliens crossing the border.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. During his conversation with the media, he told reporters he felt sure Republicans were going to win the mid-term elections, judging by the amount of people that cheered him during this visit. Sadly for Bush those people were on the Mexican side of the border.

Bush visited once again the Mexican Border to talk about immigration. Some reporters are starting to suspect that maybe he has a REAL job on the other side.

Gay Marriage
According to the department of homeland security, this week the color-coded terrorism-threat-scale changed from brown to pink, as for pundits gay marriage became the issue over illegal immigration.
Bush's latest attempt to motivate his religious conservative supporters seemed to not have been enough to rally them. That is why the White House changed its rhetoric a little bit and decided to ban gay marriage among illegal immigrants who went to see the Da Vince Code and voted for Katharine McPhee on American Idol.

Jolie and Pitts baby
The first pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby were sold to a company called Getty Images for almost $5 million and the money will be given to charity. Apparently it was a tight race between several magazines and Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter who cheaped in to obtain the shots.

Free Trips
The media reported Monday that members of the US Congress and their aides took free trips worth nearly $50M paid for by corporations, trade associations and other private groups between January 2000 and June 2005. According to the latest survey Americans citizens don't oppose to these trips and agree that they should even get more money as long as it is for a one way ticket abroad.

World Cup
The United States warned key ally Germany on Monday that it should do more to stop a tide of sex workers arriving for this month's soccer World Cup. The White House is really concerned about this issue because if this continues, only the ugly hookers are going to stay in the United States.
Guess who all of a sudden went to Germany and became a huge soccer fan? Charlie Sheen.

Congress Vs FBI
Congressmen in Capitol Hill are receiving thousands of bricks via mail from advocates of a tougher Mexican border. Most of the congressmen welcomed the bricks and promised to use them to build walls to protect their offices from the FBI.
Talking about the FBI, the search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa came up empty after digging up a suburban Detroit horse farm. Have they checked inside the fridge of some congressmen?
Higher oil prices and sliding consumer confidence sent stocks plunging this Tuesday. The only company which stocks went up was General Electric because their new line of refrigerators with more spacious freezers are selling like hot potatoes among congressmen

Oprah
Oprah is getting a record-breaking $12 million to write a book on weight loss. The problem with Oprah is that she keeps finding it.
Apparently one of the exercises she recommends in the book is to jump up and down on a couch.
According to publishers a tentative name for the book is " a million little pieces of cake"

Britney and Kev
According to tabloid reports, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have split. A lawyer for the couple said their assets will be divided according to what everybody brought to their marriage. It seems Kevin keeps possession of the fleas.

Pelosi
Rumors are spreading in congress that minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has a new face, tighter than Simon Cowels T-shirt, due to a facelift. Apparently the rumors started when someone asked her to sing "The Gambler" thinking she was Kenny Rogers.

Kutcher
Actor Ashton Kutcher was at a bar in his native town of Homestead, in Iowa, when he decided to leave at 2 am and asked the bar manager to get him a helicopter to fly back home. The manager replied that he tried to find a pilot at that time but it was impossible. I think Kutcher must be loosing his appeal, how difficult could it be to find a pilot in a bar?

Jolie and Pitt's Baby
After the birth of the new baby girl of Hollywood couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the Nation of Namibia was in total joy , the governor offered the parents citizenship for the baby and there were discussions about making the day of the birth a national holiday. On the other hand when Britney and Kevin Federlaine had their baby, the 7/11 in town gave the first 10 customers beef jerky discounts to celebrate.

Two days after the birth of daughter Shiloh, the Hollywood couple announced they would donate $300,000 to two state hospitals in impoverished areas of Namibia. Maybe they should have also donated the placenta which in Namibia is enough to feed two towns.

Border
Bush didn't want to miss the chance of being part of American Idol and called the winner, Taylor Hicks immediately after the competition, it was not to congratulate him, but to make sure Bush can use the Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Friday, Past Jokes from May

Capitol Hill
Last Friday Police sealed off part of Capitol Hill after reports that a bang sound had been heard in the office building. Everybody panicked except congressmen who thought that it was just Patrick Kennedy driving by.

Raids
Republican House Members asked president Bush to demand the FBI to stop raids on U.S. congressmen's offices because it violates the separation of powers. Immediately after they heard that, Paco, Pedro and Jose, Capitol Hill's cooks, asked Bush if could also stop raids on illegal immigrants that work in the kitchen of congress.

Anna Nicole Smith
According to the Florida media, doctors said sexually transmitted diseases among senior citizens are running rampant at a popular Central Florida retirement community. The media also reported that Anna Nicole Smith have been seen visiting town.

American Idol
65 million people voted for the last American Idol. Actually 65.375.992 according to the NSA.

Bush didn't want to miss the chance of being part of American Idol and called the winner, Taylor Hicks immediately after the competition, it was not to congratulate him, but to make sure he can use the Soul Patrol to protect the border with Mexico.

Did you see Clay Aikens new haircut? Apparently the pop star is auditioning for the movie The Da Vince Code II

Did you see David Hasselhoff crying after they announce the winner? He was not emotional about that, apparently somebody told him KITT got towed.

Bush Press Conference
During a press conference president Bush admitted that the use of tough talk hurt him at the end and that he should express himself and a more "sophisticated" manner. Apparently the president is going to ask former New Jersey governor James McGreevey for help on that regard.

Bush also admitted that he was mistaken when he challenged the insurgents with the phrase "Bring it on".... because they did.

Immigration Bill
Things are still not clear after the senate passed the new Immigration bill. The law makes a distinction between illegals who've been here for more than 2 years and those who haven't . Apparently those who've been here longer than two years get to travel at the front of the pick up truck when they get picked up at Home Depot to do yard work, the others in the trailer.

Plans for a new Wal-Mart Super Center to be built in Albuquerque's North Valley has drawn controversy because some neighbors think it would negatively affect their quality of life. Wal-Mart wants to open new stores? That tells you how serious the security in the border is going to be.

Fox and Arnold
Mexican President Vicente Fox finished his visit to the United States with a meeting with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Things got a little bit awkward, specially when Arnold asked Fox why he doesn't get along with Chong anymore.

Several members of the press were there to cover the meeting, but ended up covering their ears when they heard Fox and Arnold butchering the English language.

Al Gore
An emergency radio station mistakenly warned that a massive, volcanic mudflow was headed from the flanks of Mount Rainier and that listeners in the valley below should rush to higher ground. After the incident the program director of the station, Al Gore, apologized for the mistake.

Bird Flue
White House Officials told the press they are committed to prevent the bird flu virus from spreading in America. They are willing to do anything they can, even executing some chicks, the Dixie Chicks.


Enron
Former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud. Remember the playboy edition of Women of Enron? Well, for some inmates Kenneth and Jeffrey will look like they belong to that edition of playboy .....

After they heard the latest about Enron CEOs, some congressmen said this conviction brings memories of the importance of what to do with your retirement money. That is why they'd rather keep the retirement money inside their fridge.

Former Enron Corp. chiefs Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of conspiracy to commit securities and wire fraud. Suddenly several congressmen invited themselves to go hunting with Dick Chenney.

William Jefferson
Republicans have come to the defense of suspected Congressman William Jefferson, saying the FBI should surrender documents and other items that were seized during the raid, specially the Thanksgiving leftovers that they took when they raided Jefferson's fridge.
It is funny to see how fast you lose power when you are not in congress anymore. The other day I opened Tom Delay's freezer and I found 2 fudgesicles

Vicente Fox
During Mexican president Vicente Fox visit to the States people spotted several similarities with president Bush. Both presidents can't be reelected, they both live in a ranch, they both sound like English is not their first language.

Immigration Reform
Extreme conservatives believe that president Bushs immigration reform is not serious enough in securing the border, specially when they found out FEMA was in charge of building the wall.

Hillary Clinton
Hillary Clinton called for most of the country to return to 55 mph speed limit. According to the senator this is going to help Americans save gas and help her to catch Bill Clinton.

William Jefferson
Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is under investigation after FBI agents found $90,000 in cash in his refrigerator. How stupid you have to be to hide cash in your freezer when you know that the first thing a fat cop is going to check is your refrigerator

I think I chose the wrong profession, the other day I opened my fridge and there was only one lemon and a bottle of water.

Continuing an investigation about bribes among congressmen, FBI agents raided Patrick Kennedys house and found $90,000 dollars worth of alcohol in his refrigerator.

Vicente Fox
In his visit to the United States, Mexican president Vicente Fox is having breakfast with business people for $150 dollars a plate. Apparently he is going to send the money via Western Union to his family members in Mexico.

Do you think he arrived in his presidential van?

Mexican president Vicente Fox was quite reticent to talk to the press but in few words he made clear he has a position in the issue that has dominated America in the last couple of months: He likes Taylor Hicks.

Research on Diet Drinks
A new research found that alcoholic drinks mixed with artificial sweeteners get you drunker. The same research determined that at least you are going to wake up with someone ugly but not fat.


Fox Visits USA
Mexican president Vicente Fox starts today his four-day visit to the United States. He must be extremely popular in Mexico because today hundreds of Mexicans sacrificed their lives to cross the border to see him.

When President Bush asked Vicente Fox how he could be so sincere when describing to Mexicans living in the United States how horrible things are going in Mexico now , Fox answered that he wants to be sure they stay.

10%
According to the latest survey, roughly 10 percent of Mexico's population of about 107 million is now living in the United States. This was seen as a great business opportunity for several American companies like General Motors which decided to design bigger vans to bring the other 90%.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears stumbled outside a Manhattan hotel and nearly dropped her baby Sean, once again igniting comments about her parenting skills. To avoid problems with her future baby, Britneys doctor told her that for the next one, he has decided not to cut the umbilical cord so she wont be able to drop him.

Fidel Castro
According to Cuban President Fidel Castro's personal doctor, the communist leader enjoys vibrant health and will live to be 140 years old. Immediately after hearing the news, the New York Mets decided the construction of a recruitment camp in the beaches of Florida.

According to Cuban President Fidel Castro's personal doctor, the communist leader enjoys vibrant health and will live to be 140 years old. Sadly for Castro, Cuban citizens couldnt celebrate because they were afraid to lose their place in the line for toilet paper.

Hugo Chavez
As part of a military exercise to train troops, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez staged a mock foreign invasion to prepare its citizen for a possible war. He immediately received a letter from Bush asking Chavez to stage a mock troop exit after the invasion to see if he can copy it and use it for Iraq.

Drunk Captain
The captain of a cruise ship docked in Seattle has been stripped of command and will be fired after he failed an alcohol breath test. Actually the pilot claims he was not drunk, it was just a combination of Ambien and stomach flu medicine.

Da Vinci Code
After years and years of study, paintings students have finally unveiled one of the most fascinating riddles in art history. They found out why the painting of "Mona Lisa" has that mysterious smile, apparently she was laughing at Tom Hanks' haircut.

Movie critics gave the movie "The Da Vinci Code" very negative reviews. The movie critics were so harsh with the film that the "Mona Lisa" stopped smiling.

The captain of a cruise ship docked in Seattle has been stripped of command and will be fired after he failed an alcohol breath test. Visibly upset about what happened, the captain left the ship, hopped on his private plane and flew away.

Gay Marriage and Immigration
Senators are dealing with two hot potatoes right now , gay Marriage and immigration. Yesterday they acted quickly to solve these problems and voted on the construction of a fence to separate gay couples in bed.

Bush in Arizona
President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. For Bush it felt like the good old days, when his ratings were really high. He was greeted by a lot of vans packed with people, those were illegal aliens crossing the border.

President Bush traveled to the US-Mexico border to press the immigration reform. During his conversation with the media, he told reporters he felt sure Republicans were going to win the mid-term elections, judging by the amount of people that cheered him during this visit. Sadly for Bush those people were on the Mexican side of the border.

Pat Robertson
The religious broadcaster Pat Robertson said God had told him that storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year. The white house decided to take actions because they said they had heard that phone call.

Fashion Models
Fashion models of Italy went on strike because they feel American fashion industry is exploiting them. The Italian models decided not to strike a pose and have been moving uninterruptedly since they went on strike.

Al Gore's Movie
Students from Beverly Hills High are going to be sent to see the latest Al Gores movie about Global Warming. According to the principal, it is very important for them to know if the heat waves can melt their moms silicon.


New Shoes
On Sunday, two brothers, 14 and 15 years old, got arrested for beating up their MOM because she wouldn't buy them $100 shoes. And they were right about the shoes, because if they had new shoes they could have probably outran the cops.

TAX Breaks
The House of Representatives passed a bill Friday extending middle-class tax breaks. Which middle class?
I hope you have your house as your mailing address because if you have a P.O Box, you are screwed, your income tax refund check will hardly buy you enough gas to get to the corner of your house.

Fence
After a very controversial, passionate and heated debate, the senate agreed on the construction of a 370-mile fence to separate those senators who are in favor of illegals from those who are against them.

This Wednesday the Senate agreed on the construction of 370 miles of triple-layered fencing along the Mexican border. This is bad news for the United States sport fans because the Mexican Olympic Team has secured the gold medal in the Pole Vault event in the next summer Olympics.

Some senators claim that the reason they can't round up illegals and send them back home is that it would cost Americans a lot of money. Now that Tom Delay has resigned, can't they use all his free trips to send illegals back?

This Wednesday the senate agreed on the construction of a 370-mile fence along the Mexican border. Questioned about how expensive this is going to be for Americans , president Bush said that we shouldnt worry because they are going to build the fence with the materials they haven't used to build new levies in New Orleans.
Yesterday Wall Street had one of its worst session in three years. The only industry which stocks skyrocketed was the human-smuggling industry after the senate agreed on building the fence in the border.