March 31st 2008

Nipple Ring
A Texas woman was forced to remove a nipple ring with pliers in order to board an airplane after a handheld detector beeped when it passed in front of Hamlin's chest. If she is going to get new piercings she should consider an American flag, nobody is going to dare ask her to remove the American flag off her chest.

A Texas woman was forced to remove a nipple ring with pliers in order to board an airplane after a handheld detector beeped when it passed in front of Hamlin's chest. Apparently the TSA agent wanted to be sure the boob with the nipple ring wasn’t a grenade.

Bush
President Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals season opener and the inaugural game at Washington's National Ballpark. He was offered to be at the bat but the president was afraid to be near any base.

President Bush told reporters that he practiced all week to throw the first pitch at the Washington Nationals season opener. It is good to know that the booming economy and the peaceful situation in Iraq allow our president to take time off his schedule to do stuff like that.

Superdelegates
Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean urged undecided superdelegates to pick a candidate by July 1st to avoid an irreparable rift at the party's August convention. Apparently Dean is concerned that if the party doesn’t hurry up, there’s not going to be any superdelegate left that is not involved in a sex scandal.

McCain
Republican presidential candidate John McCain is said to be considering Mitt Romney as his vice president. Experts believe it is a very calculated move; it appeals to conservative Republicans and minorities as well, because next to McCain’s complexion, Mitt Romney looks like a black person.

Microsoft
The Toyota Camry that Microsoft sponsored at the Sunday’s race at Martinsville Speedway in Virginia finished 37th. The Microsoft car could have done a lot better, but every time the mechanics wanted to change the tires, the tires wouldn’t work with that version of the car.

Obama
Barack Obama went bowling this weekend during his campaign in Pennsylvania. Wouldn’t it be great if all candidates go bowling so they can sense what it feels to be in other people’s shoes for once?

Barack Obama went bowling this weekend during his campaign in Pennsylvania. More and more of the political gutter.

Barack Obama went bowling this weekend during his campaign in Pennsylvania. He had no strikes, and now Republicans are saying that that’s a sign he’s going to be weak in Iraq.

Public Urination
San Diego City Council candidate John Hartley was booked into County Jail Thursday night after he was caught urinating in a cup and masturbating publicly on the street. The candidate claims he doesn’t dare use public restrooms anymore because he’s afraid Larry Craig is going to hit on him.

San Diego City Council candidate John Hartley was booked into County Jail Thursday night after he was caught urinating in a cup and masturbating publicly on the street. There’s already a video circulating on the web called: One city council and one cup.

March 28th 2008

Friday's leftovers. Hey there, if you wanna send comments, suggestions or anything feel free to e-mail me at:
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend....Pedro

Spitzer
Another prostitute is claiming to have had sex with former governor Eliot Spitzer for $1000 an hour. This woman doesn’t look as good as the other, so much so that not even David Patterson would have sex with her.

Another prostitute is claiming to have had sex with former governor Eliot Spitzer for $1000 an hour. The first one was $4000, this one $1000, hopefully the $20 crack whore he did in the back of an alley will never show up.

Hillary
Things continue to go wrong for Hillary’s campaign. Now the little girl that appears during her visit to Bosnia says she’s an Obama supporter.

During a speech about economy Thursday, Hillary Clinton also promoted a pre-emptive training initiative to allow workers concerned about potential threats to their jobs to receive grants to help transition into other industries. And if there’s someone that feels a potential threat to her job, that’s Hillary.

Hillary Clinton says she still sees a narrow path to victory. Unfortunately, the campaign food is making it difficult for her to fit through.

Kids
Doctors in Missouri started to express concern because more and more kids, as young as 6, are said to be signing for competitive fighting. Apparently, kids get hooked up on the fights after they see them on TV, and unfortunately, the Democratic debates will go on for a while.

Airlines
American Airlines, a unit of AMR Corp, said on Thursday it may start charging $25 to check a second bag, a move that could spur revenue and cost savings as fuel prices soar. The airline also said that for an extra $100 they make sure both your bags arrive together.

Trichotillomania
There are about 11 million people in the U.S. who suffer from trichotillomania, a neurological disorder where people can't stop themselves from involuntarily pulling out their hair. Apparently, it happens every time people hear Cheney talking about the war in Iraq.

Recording
The first ever recorded sound from 1860 was just discovered. It starts with “My Friends…” a McCain speech at the 1860 Republican National Convention

March 27th 2008

Belly
According to the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research in Oakland, having a big belly in your 40s can boost your risk of getting Alzheimer's disease. Apparently, men with big bellies tend to forget what their penises look like.

According to the Kaiser Permanente Division of Research in Oakland, having a big belly in your 40s can boost your risk of getting dementia. The study clearly explains why big-bellied white people over 40 will vote for John McCain.

Jawbone
A small piece of jawbone unearthed in a cave in Spain is the oldest known fossil of a human ancestor in Europe. Apparently, the gigantic Jawbone might belong to one of Jay Leno’s ancestors.

A small piece of jawbone unearthed in a cave in Spain is the oldest known fossil of a human ancestor in Europe. Researches later apologized and said it was McCain’s fake denture that he lost during his last trip to Europe.

Democrats
In a latest poll, a solid majority of Democrats, 62%, said they were not ready for either candidate to leave the race. The other 38% of Democrats have a life.

Spitzer, Kwame Kilpatrick, and David Paterson, all recent politicians involved in sex scandals are superdelegates for the Democratic Party. Apparently, that is what makes them Super, the fact that they are able to hide affairs from their wives.

Miss Landmine
Angola is organizing a beauty pageant called “Miss Landmine Survivor” with contestants that have been maimed by landmines. The winner faces Miss Chernobyl in a head to leg competition.

Fish
Scientists are testing a plan to train fish to catch themselves by swimming into a net when they hear a tone that signals feeding time. Actually, scientists play the latest Madonna Album and fish would rather kill themselves than continue listening.

Scientists are testing a plan to train fish to catch themselves by swimming into a net when they hear a tone that signals feeding time. They got the idea from seeing how kids rush to the vending machines every time they hear the bell announcing class recess.

Beard
The World Beard and Moustache Championship officials chose the US as the home for the next competition that will take place on May 23rd, 2009. Now we understand Bill Richardson’s latest look, he’s training for the competition

March 26th 2008

Hillary
Comedian Sinbad contradicted Hillary Clinton’s description of the Bosnian trip in 1996 when she said she landed in Bosnia under sniper fire. And if there’s someone that knows about sniper fire is Simbad, especially when he performs.

Comedian Sinbad contradicted Hillary Clinton’s description of the Bosnian trip in 1996 when she said she landed in Bosnia under sniper fire. She is said to be extremely mad because those comments shuttered her career, not Hillary’s, but Spitzer’s hooker’s, because nobody is talking about her anymore.

The New England Historic Genealogical Society said in a recent study that Hillary Clinton is distant cousin of Celine Dion’s and Madonna’s… And there’s the answer to the age old question of why people find her so annoying.

Obama
Obama’s website says that you can now share an intimate dinner with Barack Obama if you donate money for his campaign. The only problem is that Reverend Wright will be in charge of saying grace.

Fat
Mexico has become the second-fattest nation in the world. Now illegals are waiting outside I-Hop to be hired.

George Michael
George Michael is gearing up for a U.S. tour. He is expected to meet with some US politicians in several airport restrooms.

Busted
A 93-year-old Florida man has been charged with soliciting sex from a female undercover officer. The police were working on a second charge: assault with a “dead” weapon.

A 93-year-old Florida man who paid $30 for sex and promised to come back a few hours later to consummate the deal has been charged with soliciting sex from a female undercover officer. Apparently, the man didn’t come back because he only has erections once a year.

Iraq
Iraq will launch its own stock exchange this week. It is expected to be very volatile.

Surgeries
The American Society of Plastic Surgeons says that plastic surgeries are up 7%. They saw a dramatic increase in the number of surgeries when Priscilla Presley became a contestant in “Dancing with the Stars.”

Naked Picture
A nude photo of the French First Lady Carla Bruni has been put up for auction at Christie's New York and is expected to raise a fortune, especially if there’s a bidding war between Spitzer and David Paterson.

A nude photo of the French First Lady Carla Bruni has been put up for auction at Christie's New York and is expected to rise close to $3000. This is not the first time a naked picture of a first lady was sold for so much money; apparently, someone paid a fortune for naked pictures of Barbara Bush, but to destroy them.

Kids
Middle-income families can expect to spend $204,060 on feeding, housing and schooling a child born in 2007 until his or her 18th birthday, the U.S. government reported on Monday. Or you can just give them for adoption to Angelina Jolie.

Heather Mills
Heather Mills wants to write a children's book. It is an autobiography called: the story of the first female pirate…

March 25th 2008

Hypnotist
Police in Italy are chasing a man who allegedly hypnotized the cashier of a supermarket and made her give him more than $1300. The man is also being chased by some people in the U.S, the Clinton and McCain campaigns want to hire him to be in charge of their fundraising.

Youngsters
A website encourages girls as young as 9 to embrace plastic surgery and extreme dieting in the search for the perfect figure. The website said that that will increase their chances of marrying a rich person or getting hired by Fox News as female reporters.

Obama
Barack Obama is spending a couple of days in the Virgin Islands with his family. Fox News could not miss the chance to stain his reputation: Fox & Friends said that after an explosive week Obama had a deserving vacation with the 72 Virgin Islands.

McCain
Right Wing talk show hosts are saying that Republican candidate John McCain has serious chances of winning the 2008 presidential elections if he stays out of the war within the Democratic Party. If that is true, shouldn’t we apply the same logic in Iraq?

Hillary
Hillary Rodham Clinton's campaign said she "misspoke" last week when she said she had landed under sniper fire during a trip she took as first lady to Bosnia in March 1996. It wasn’t Bosnia, it was actually Detroit.

CBS News Video from Hillary Clinton's 1996 visit to Bosnia as first lady contradicts her description of the trip when she said she landed in Bosnia under sniper fire. The media believes there was probably more shooting with Bill in the oval office than in Hillary’s visit to Bosnia.

Hillary Clinton dismissed the comments of Sinbad who contradicted her views on their trip to Bosnia. Hillary said that Simbad made those remarks because he is a comedian. Reporters were skeptical, not only she lied about landing in Bosnia under sniper fire but also about Simbad being a comedian.

Spitzer
According to a 33-year-old former madam named Andreia Schwartz, former New York governor, Eliot Spitzer, paid her to watch couples having sex. All the money he could have saved if he had only visited the McGreeveys more often…

David Paterson
New York Governor David Patterson said during an interview that he used cocaine. Reporters now understand why the cane he uses is hollow and white.

March 24th 2008

Passports
The State Department confirmed Thursday that they fired two contract employees for prying into the secure passport files of presidential contender Barack Obama. Apparently, the workers were canned immediately for finding nothing compromising on him.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice personally phoned the presidential candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton, John McCain and Barack Obama to apologize after the department confirmed the passport files had been compromised. Unfortunately, she called them at 3 AM in the morning and nobody answered.

Obama
Presidential Candidate Barack Obama spent the traditional annual big Easter egg hunt together with his family and some reporters. This year, instead of the eggs Obama hid DVD’s of Reverend Wright while Fox News reporters desperately looked for them.

Another bad week for Obama: just when he thought there was no more footage of Reverend Wright that can compromise his candidacy, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild said he found some hidden tapes of Reverend Wright judging a wet T-Shirt contest.

Spitzer
A source close to Eliot Spitzer says the former New York governor has gone into therapy to be treated for sex addiction. He’ll have to follow the 12 steps strict treatment: he won’t be able to move more than 12 steps away from his wife.

Eliot Spitzer left their home for the first time this weekend to walk one his dogs in Central Park. Apparently, he owes it; he’s been living in the dog’s house since the scandal broke out.

A source close to Eliot Spitzer says the former New York governor has gone into therapy to be treated for sex addiction. As a part of a shock therapy, doctors recommended him to quit cold turkey. It means every time he has sexual urges he has to satiate them with a cold turkey.

Attack
Knife-wielding muggers attacked a jogger running in Central Park to prepare for an Army physical fitness test, police and his family said. Didn’t Bush say that if we fight the enemies in Iraq they won’t come here?

Britney
The clothes worn by Britney Spears on "How I Met Your Mother" will be auctioned for charity. Some people immediately realized it was a scam, especially when among some of the auctioned items there were Britney’s panties.

Miss England
This year one of the contestants for Miss England beauty pageant is not the typical skinny one and weighs 176 lbs. She has as many chances as any of the other stick-thin ladies, because she is the only one with a complete set of teeth.

Health
According to "Men's Health" magazine, men who have sex at least once a week are healthier… unless their wives find out about it.

According to a recent survey, women who are mildly to moderately depressed have 33% more sex than women who are not. No wonder Bill is sabotaging Hillary’s campaign; he wants to score with her.

March 21st 2008

Friday Leftovers... be sure to send me an e-mail if you have comments, suggestions, ideas or anything you wanna say: pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend.
Pedro

Obama
Two contract employees of the State Department were fired and a third person was disciplined for accessing passport records of Sen. Barack Obama. They claimed that they wanted to see the countries Obama visited to know how far away Obama had distanced himself from reverend Wright.

Osama
Osama bin Laden released a new audio tape Wednesday. Middle Eastern officials believe that with all the recorded material and video he has released in the last decade he’s guaranteed a place in Afghanistan Cave of Fame.

Pope Benedict XVI rejected a taped accusation from Osama bin Laden that he was leading a "new crusade" against Muslims. After the denial, the Pope went back to the room and continued listening to conservative talk show host, Michael Savage.

American Idol
Ellen DeGeneres and Ryan Seacrest will host "American Idol's" upcoming charity concert. Ellen will set an example and donate all the skirts she has not worn in decades to Ryan Seacrest.

ABBA
The drummer for the pop band ABBA was found dead in his garden after shattering a glass door and cutting himself in the neck. His last words were “S.O.S.” (thanks, Dan)

Teachers
On Wednesday, two teachers of Columbia, South Carolina, were arrested for getting into a fistfight. Apparently, they were fighting over the heart of sixth grader, little Billy.

Language
Stores in Philadelphia are starting to post "Speak English" signs -a clear sign of people’s discontent with President Bush-.

Studies
A new study shows that men tend to be clueless when it comes to communication signals from women, so women make up for it by talking a lot.

A new study by the University of British Columbia said that giving money to other people makes you happy… Unless you gave that money to a politician and he uses it in hookers….

March 20th 2008

Hey everybody I just want to take a moment to thank the people at Newsday and Mr. Ken Rasak for publishing one of my jokes in such a great paper. Thanks a lot! Check it here
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5619719mar20,0,429977.story

Osama
Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden issued a new audio message Wednesday and, like the last couple of messages, it was mostly ignored by everybody. Osama is working on a new plan to make his messages popular: before he releases a new audio tape, he is going to have sex with an American governor.

Affairs
According to a new USA Today / Gallup poll, 54% of Americans know someone who’s having an affair. The other 46 % are the wives of the politicians who are having affairs.

Obama
Barack Obama delivered an incredible speech on race in America in which he cited the gains made by people of color as well as past and present racial hardships. For instance, Obama is on the verge of becoming president, and yet, his is the only one of all the candidate's limos that keeps getting pulled over during motorcades. (thanks Pat for the help)

Stressed
A new study from the University of Rochester in New York found that parents who are frequently anxious or depressed have sicker kids than those who aren't -especially when they forget their kids in the car outside the casino or strip joints for hours-.

China
China officials said that despite recent uprisings, it will not change the Olympic torch route through Tibet. Officials recognize the importance of the torch to kick off the Olympic Games in China and to set the protesters on fire.

Spring Break
Spring break just started and everybody seems to be enjoying it, even at Gitmo, where when the prisoners get waterboarded they also participate in a wet t-shirt contests.

Iraq
Wednesday was the beginning of the sixth year of the war in Iraq: a war that was supposed to finish soon after the shock and awe attack, has ironically left all Americans in awe and shocked for taking so long.

During a speech in Jordan, John McCain confused Al Qaeda forces and Shiite extremists in Iraq. Bush told him not to worry, after all he and Cheney confused Iraq for Iran before they started the war.

According to results of a recent CNN poll, 7 out of 10 Americans think government spending on the war in Iraq is partly responsible for the economic troubles in the United States. The other 3 Americans work for Halliburton.

Nice Guys
A Harvard University study determined that nice guys do finish first. That’s probably the reason why women prefer mean guys...

Fox
According to a news report, the offices of Fox News have a bug infestation. The exterminator refused to use pesticides right away until he can tell the parasites from the innocent bugs.

March 19th 2008

Obama
Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama spoke Tuesday in Philadelphia about his hope for a conversation about race that can help unite the country. It definitely worked; the speech united all rich white Americans against Obama

Barack Obama’s delivered a defining speech asking America to overcome racism. The speech had an immediate impact on some people. Apparently, McGreevey and his wife promised to have their next threesome with a black person.

Guns
Supreme Court appears ready to rule that Americans have a constitutional right to keep guns in their homes for self-defense. It is a tricky ruling though, because by the time they pass it, nobody in America will own a home.

McCain
In a recent poll, McCain's favorable ratings reached 67% -the highest among all the presidential candidates-. It makes sense; you won’t find people that don’t have favorable views of their grandpas, but that doesn’t mean you are going to let your grandpa drive your car, though.

In a recent poll, 67% of the people had a favorable view of John McCain. The other 33% are Republicans.

According to a report released on Tuesday by the Alzheimer's Association, an estimated 5.2 million Americans have Alzheimer's disease. This means McCain has more chances of becoming president.

Runaway Bride
The man who was once engaged to the runaway bride has gotten married… to another woman. Apparently, during the ceremony he didn’t only tie the knot but also his now wife.

American Idol
American Idol has scheduled several charity shows to help the poor. Apparently, they started last night when the contestants sang Beatles songs to raise money for recently-divorced Paul McCartney.

Hillary
The National Archives announced Tuesday it would release 11,046 pages of Hillary Clinton's daily schedules at the Little Rock facility and online Wednesday. The schedules mostly show Hillary doing things 500 miles away from Bill.

David Paterson
New York new governor, David Paterson, told the Daily News that he and his wife had extramarital affairs. Unfortunately for Paterson, he’ll be the only politician that won’t get a Viagra endorsement because the company doesn’t want to remind its customers of Viagra’s side effects.

New York new and first blind governor, David Paterson, told the Daily News that he had extramarital affairs. Unfortunately for Paterson, some people saw former New Jersey governor McGreevey wearing a wig and tipping Paterson’s eye-seeing dog.

Women
According to a therapist, the best time of the day for a woman to reach an orgasm is between 1:00 P.M. and 5:00 P.M. I feel bad for my wife, because I am still working at that time and she has to work hard at home dealing with the daily chores like receiving the mail, the pool boy, the milkman…

March 18th 2008

Cheney
Vice president Dick Cheney spent two nights in Iraq this week. Apparently, it was part of the Iraq Vacation package special: if you survive the first night, they give you the second one for free.

Vice President Dick Cheney warned Monday against large U.S. troop cuts that could jeopardize recent security gains in Iraq. Apparently, he was referring to the secured gains he made with Halliburton.

Heather Mills
One of Britain's bitterest divorces reached a settlement Monday when Heather Mills was awarded $48.6 million. Apparently the judge based the sum settlement according to the hourly rate of Spitzer's escort.

Paul McCartney was ordered to pay Heather Mills $48.6 million to settle their divorce. There wasn’t ever a case of someone making some much money off the Beatles without doing anything for them. Wait a second… There’s one! Ringo!

Saint Patrick’s Day
Monday, thousands of people in New York flooded the bars to drink like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, it was not to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, but rather to drown the sorrows for the collapse of the stock market.

Two Faces
An Indian woman has given birth to baby girl with two faces, a report said Saturday. Apparently, the baby girl has already a guaranteed future as a politician.

Madonna
On April 28th Madonna will release its new album titled: Hard Candy. Apparently, the name comes from the fact that the album is very difficult to swallow.

Britney
Britney Spears ate dinner with Mel Gibson in L.A. over the weekend. Rumors are Mel Gibson offered Britney the part of Mary Magdalene in “The Passion of Christ II. The Return.”

McGreevey
A former aide to James E. McGreevey said Sunday that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife, usually on Fridays after dinning at T.G.I Friday’s. It gives a totally different meaning to the “Friday three for all special” they have at T.G.I. Friday’s menu.

A former aide to James E. McGreevey said Sunday that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife, usually on Fridays after dinning at T.G.I Friday’s. Visits were so frequent that T.G.I. named a sandwich after them: “The First Lady Sandwich;” which is made with four eggs.

A former aide to James E. McGreevey said Sunday that he had three-way sexual trysts with the former governor and his wife. How fortunate is Larry Craig, you will never see anybody that dare admit he had a threesome with Larry and his wife.

Lawsuit
A businessman claims in a lawsuit that he was injured when a stripper giving him a lap dance swiveled and smacked him in the face with the heel of her shoe. Unfortunately, the money he’ll get won’t help cover all the injuries that his wife gave him after she found out he had spent the afternoon at a strip bar.

March 17th 2008

Iraq
The war is now 5 years-old. When asked about it John McCain said: the kid is so strong that I am sure is going to grow to be a hundred.

The war in Iraq is now 5 years-old. Fortunately for the war, Bush and Cheney are working on getting it another little brother called Iran.

The Red Cross said on Monday that five years after the United States led an invasion of Iraq, millions of people are still deprived of clean water and medical care. The Red Cross was forced to send a second report clarifying that the first report wasn’t about Americans.

Eavesdropping
The House on Friday approved a Democratic bill that would set rules for the government's eavesdropping on phone calls and e-mails inside the United States. Apparently the new bill lets the government eavesdrop on anything except conversations with hookers.

Spitzer
Eliot Spitzer left their home for the first this weekend to walk one his dogs in Central Park. Apparently he owes them; he’s been living in their house since the scandal broke out.

Lawsuit
A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines after a passenger masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair while she was sleeping. Apparently she is blaming the airline for letting the passenger board with a container loaded with more than three oz.

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines after a passenger masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair while she was sleeping. To what Ashley Alexandra Dupre said” $200, 000 dollars for that? I only got $5000 and I had to sleep with a bald, ugly governor.

CNN
Early Saturday a tornado blew right through CNN news headquarters in Atlanta. Everybody was safe because they were all holding to Larry King’s suspenders.

Glasses
Japanese scientists have invented a pair of intelligent glasses that remembers where people last saw their keys, handbag, iPod or mobile phone. There’s already a cheap version of this invention, it is called being sober.

Hooters
John Persinger turned 100 Wednesday and celebrated with a party at Hooters. It was the first time at Hooters that a client was as old as some of the chicken wings they serve.

Criminals
Law enforcement officials in England want to start taking DNA samples from kids as young as five just in case those kids become criminals in the future. Michael Jackson has already offered himself the get the samples.

Bees
Millions of swarming honey bees are on the loose after a truck carrying crates of the insects flipped over on a California highway. That will give millions of Californians an excuse for those swollen lips they had after the collagen injection.

McCain
Senator John McCain did $1,000-a-plate lunch fundraiser at the 18th century Spencer House in London. Unfortunately for the contributors with $1000 In England the McCain campaign was only able to offer them the plate.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain said on Friday he fears that al Qaeda or another extremist group might attempt spectacular attacks in Iraq to try to tilt the U.S. election against him. So does it mean that if McCain continues in the presidential race and we get attack it is all his fault? Shouldn’t he quit to show he cares about America?

March 14th 2008

Friday Leftovers..... Please e-mail me with ideas, suggestions, comments, anything at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.

Spitzer
The Emperor’s club, the high-end international escort service that provided Spitzer with call girls, rates its prostitutes with 1 to 7 diamonds. Apparently, that’s the number of diamonds you’ll have to give to your wife according to the quality of the girl you are caught with.

Penthouse Magazine offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the woman involved in the Spitzer’s scandal, the cover shot of the magazine. Apparently, this is not the first time a woman involved in a sex scandal with a politician got offered the cover shot of a magazine. It is a little known fact that Monica Lewinsky was offered the cover shot of Cattle South Magazine.

Pentagon
The pentagon said that a report that confirms that there is no evidence Saddam had ties to Al Qaeda would not be posted online and could not be emailed, but will be mailed to you in a CD if you request it. It is evident the Pentagon doesn’t want anybody to see the report because the CD they send has the cover of Kevin Federlaine’s latest album.

Gnome
A town in South America is reported to have seen a ‘creepy gnome' wandering the streets. In other news, Dennis Kucinich has been spending some time in South America after he quit his presidential endeavor.

Bathroom
A man in Ness City, Kansas, could be charged for allowing his girlfriend to sit on their toilet so long that her body became stuck to the seat. Apparently, the man might be found guilty for feeding her the “Super Double Deluxe” Taco Bell burrito.

Weak Dollar
Economists worldwide are saying that a negative dollar sentiment is growing in nations where the dollar was historically accepted. Apparently, the fact that someone needs $5000 to pay for a hooker doesn’t help much either.


Cuba
President Raul Castro has lifted Cuba's ban on the unrestricted sale of DVDs. The only problem is the long lines to see them in the only DVD player in Cuba, at Castro’s house.

Gold
The price of gold is still rising. Apparently, to get some gold now, Athletes need a lot more money on steroids.

March 13th 2008

Eliot Spitzer
During a press conference announcing his resignation, former Governor Eliot Spitzer said he needs some time to heal himself. You would think that if you spent $5000 in a prostitute the least they can do is give you one that is STD free.

The call girl involved in the Spitzer scandal said that she doesn’t want to be called a monster, unless of course you pay the right amount of money, and then you can call her Hillary as much as you want.

Eliot Spitzer's resignation ends a political career that showed great promise. His name was even being tossed around as a candidate for vice president. Now he's better qualified to be the “president of all vices…”

Eliot Spitzer’s lawyers now are strategizing on his legal defense. Now they are saying he acted irrational because he was on tap water.

A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. Apparently those are the ones that get rated with only half a diamond at the Emperors Club.

Some reporters are speculating that Spitzer is working on a deal to avoid jail. Even he knows that in jail and with his looks inmates would rate him only as a two-soap bitch.

Pacemaker
A team of computer security researchers said they have been able to gain wireless access to a combination heart defibrillator and pacemaker. The FBI became suspicious when they saw Dick Cheney kissing a puppy and helping an old lady cross the streets.

A team of computer security researchers said they have been able to gain wireless access to a combination heart defibrillator and pacemaker. Dick Cheney’s heart had been in so much danger before; not even the last time the price of the barrel of gas dropped $5 in one day.

Jack Kevorkian
Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. Congressmen in DC said that they didn’t need him, because if they want to commit suicide they just need to be caught with a hooker.

Assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian, said he's running for Congress. The only problem he has is that he keeps killing his possible voters.

Capitol Building
A small plane intruded the restricted airspace over Washington, D.C., Wednesday, putting the Capitol building on alert but posing no imminent threat. The North American Aerospace Defense Command said the plane, a small Cessna, was nothing to worry about; it was just delivering the daily bags of cocaine straight from Colombia.

Worse
According to a new survey by NBC News and the "Wall Street Journal” 43% of Americans say they're worse off now than they were in 2004. The other 57% couldn’t be reached because their phone was disconnected for missing payments.

David Paterson
New York Lieutenant Governor David Paterson is set to become the state's first black governor and the first legally blind governor in U.S. history. Immediately after hearing the news, Geraldine Ferraro said he’s lucky; he wouldn’t be there if he wasn’t a black blind man.

Madonna
Madonna is releasing an album called “Four Minutes” which makes reference to the number of minutes it takes you to destroy it after you listen to it.

Bathroom
It was reported that a woman in Ness City, Kansas, spent two straight years in her boyfriend’s bathroom, to what Larry Craig asked “so how much sex did you get?”

Low pants
A city in Florida just passed a law that will fine or jail people who wear their pants too low. Apparently, they were disgusted last time Hillary campaigned in Florida and flashed them her butt crack.

March 12th 2008

Eliot Spitzer
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was identified by law enforcement sources on Monday as "Client 9" in an investigation related to a prostitution ring. When asked about why Spitzer was known as client number 9, law enforcement explained that that’s the way prostitutes categorized him, and believe me; you don’t want to be known as client number 2 and a half.

The New York Times reported Monday that Eliot Spitzer may have rendezvoused with a call girl at Washington, DC's distinguished Mayflower Hotel. Apparently, that was not the first time a renowned politician may have had sex in the Mayflower; it is rumored that John McCain had a hard time in the Mayflower, but got to convince a couple of Puritan girls.

Wall Street had Tuesday one of the biggest bounce in more than five years with the Dow Jones gaining 416 points. Economists believe the influx of money comes from executives that were afraid to use it in call girls after what happened to Spitzer.

Eliot Spitzer used the name George Fox, a big donor during Spitzer’s political campaign, when he registered at the Hotel to have sex with the $5000 prostitute. Spitzer told his donors not to feel bad because if you donated $20 or less he probably used your name when he had sex with a cheap hooker in a Brooklyn alley.

More details have surfaced in the Eliot Spitzer’s sex scandal. Apparently, he’d ask prostitutes for things that are not considered safe: like getting loans from Countrywide Financial Corp.

Life Expectancy
A recent study finds that those with more than 12 years of education can expect to live longer than those with fewer years. Do you qualify if you did more than 12 years in school but spent 10 of those in third grade?

A recent study finds that those with more than 12 years of education can expect to live longer than those with fewer years. The hard part is to survive the 12 years in school without being shot at.

Teens
A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that one in four teenage American girls has a sexually transmitted disease. The study also revealed that one in four teenage girls will end up as a contestant in the TV shows Bret Michaels’ “Rock of Love” and “Flavor of Love.”

Graffiti
An Israeli airliner was spray-painted with anti-Semitic graffiti at an Italian airport. Apparently, Mel Gibson hated the in-flight movie.

Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney is to visit the Middle East next week. It seems he’ll be scouting locations for the next attack.

Movie
DreamWorks has a new animated movie on the way called "Monsters vs. Aliens." It is rumored that the movie is about the first stage of the Democratic primaries when Hillary was competing against Kucinich.

March 11th 2008

Spitzer
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after it was discovered he hired a prostitute in New York and arranged for her to meet him at a hotel in Washington DC. Apparently, all the prostitutes in Washington were already busy with other congressmen.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted he was a client of a high-end prostitution ring. Coincidentally, “prostitution ring” is the new name jewelers give to the ring husbands buy to their wives after being caught with a prostitute.

It took Hillary Clinton minutes to get rid of Spitzer's name from the website after the Times story broke: “it’s 3 am and you discover one of your supporters is involved in a sex scandal, who do you want to change your website faster than anyone else?”

The person who might replace New York governor Eliot Spitzer is mostly blind. Apparently, unlike Spitzer, he didn’t hire prostitutes to release his sexual tension; he excessively took care of himself, and that’s how he became blind...

Water
A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex hormones, has been found in the drinking water supplies of several American cities. We finally unveiled the mystery of what was in the red glass Paula Abdul always has next to her during “American Idol.” It’s just water…

A vast array of pharmaceuticals, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex hormones, has been found in the drinking water supplies of several American cities. That makes you wonder: Is waterboarding really torture now?

Vatican
The Vatican considers becoming wealthy as one of the new deadly sins. Apparently, that is President Bush’s latest achievement: giving more than 99% of Americans eternal salvation.

The Vatican considers polluting the environment one of the new deadly sins. Doesn’t the Vatican pollute the environment every time they use white smoke to announce a new pope?

Obama
During a GQ magazine questionnaire, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama refused to answer whether he wears boxers or briefs. In a related story...John McCain refuses to confirm if he wears Huggies or Depends.

Bush
Last week President Bush vetoed a bill that would have banned torture. Apparently, he knew he was going to be singing at a Gridiron Dinner Saturday and didn’t want to break the laws.

Social Network
According to a new study, 70% of girls between the ages of 15 and 17 have a page on a social networking site like Myspace or Facebook. The study also reveals that 90% of those girls are 50 year old dudes trying to hit on the other 10%.

Cold
The National Climactic Data Center says this has been the coldest winter in seven years, especially if you lost your house to the mortgage crisis and you’re now sleeping on the streets.

March 10th 2008

McCain
Senator John McCain’s campaign said they will release McCain’s medical records to the press in April and probably finish in 2009.

Senator John McCain has been reluctant to disclose his medical records. He knows that if they know his condition, no health insurance would ever dare to cover him.

Hillary
A former adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Rodham Clinton "a monster." Apparently, monsters all over the world complained about the comparison.

Barack Obama’s campaing claimed that an image of Barack Obama was darkened in a Hillary’s ad with malice aforethought, by the Clinton campaign, Apparently, Obama’s campaign has decided to retaliate and run an ad with a picture of Hillary without makeup.

Obama
An Iowa Republican congressman said Friday that terrorists would be "dancing in the streets" if Democratic candidate Barack Obama were to win the presidency. Wouldn’t that be much better than if they keep shooting at us?

An Iowa Republican congressman said Friday that terrorists would be "dancing in the streets" if Democratic candidate Barack Obama were to win the presidency. Apparently, Obama’s idea is to pull the troops out and send Bruno and Carrie Ann to deal with the dance war.

Daylight-Saving time
Early Sunday morning, 2 a.m. became 3 a.m. with the arrival of daylight-saving time. That means all the problems in the world will now happen at 4 a.m. instead of 3 a.m.

Men
According to the United Nations, Iceland is the best place for a woman to live. I want my wife to be happy, so I’m already packing her bags.

A survey says most men wouldn't mind if their wives brought home the bigger paycheck. The survey also says that women wouldn’t mind if their husbands brought home a bigger penis.

Men who do housework get more sex, especially if they help the neighbor’s wife when her husband’s gone.

Tony Blair
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair will teach at Yale next year. Bush is also to spend some time at Yale next year, but just to get wasted at a Frat House

Happiness
British and Australian researchers said on Thursday that you can inherit happiness, especially if you are Bill Gates’ son.

Matt Damon
Matt Damon and his wife Luciana are expecting their second child together, his rep told People late Sunday. Apparently, she was also effing Matt Damon…

March 7th 2008

Just some Friday's leftovers. For comments, suggestions or whatever just e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com


Times Square
A small explosion damaged a U.S. military recruitment station in New York's Times Square. People mostly ignored the explosion because Dick Clark wasn’t there to do the countdown.

A small explosion damaged a U.S. military recruitment station in New York's Times Thursday at 3:45 am. Bush got the phone call at the White House but he didn’t answer because he was reading “The Pet Goat” to Barney.

A small explosion damaged a U.S. military recruitment station in New York's Times. There are not main suspects yet, but some believe it could be Broadway’s retaliation for Bush’s appalling tap dancing.

Xerox
The Xerox tactics continue in the Democratic Presidential campaign. Apparently Hillary is now the one the Xeroxed something: the entire Karl Rove’s playbook.

March 6th 2008

McCain
Now that he is the Republican presidential nominee, John McCain’s top priority is to pick a running mate whose presence on the ticket would reassure Americans concerned about McCain's age. The one in the lead so far: a nurse.

Political analysts believe McCain is looking for a female vice president who can reassure Americans she can deal with the war on terror. The one with more chances: Giuliani in drag.

Hillary
Senator Clinton hinted Wednesday that she and Barack Obama could be the Democratic “Dream Ticket.” In that case, Republicans might have a dream ticket in mind too… a ticket to Canada.

Democrats believe that a Hillary/Obama ticket could be great for the 2008 presidential elections. Hollywood couldn’t agree more; they already started the script for “Driving Miss Daisy 2.”

Bush
President Bush said Wednesday that the United States has to "get off oil" to reduce dependence on foreign suppliers, slightly different from Dick Cheney, who “gets off” every time he hears the price of the barrel of oil.

President Bush waited for John McCain at the driveway of the White House. Apparently Bush cannot wait to the get the heck out of there.

During a meeting with John McCain, President Bush praised McCain's strength and his "big heart." Any heart is big if you compare it to Cheney’s.

President Bush phoned the newly-elected president of Russia, Dmitry Medvedev to congratulate him on Sunday. He started congratulating him on Sunday but finished pronouncing his last name Monday.

President Bush did a little dance at the White House driveway while waiting for the arrival of John McCain. Only those followers of the Apollo Theater Show understood why Bush tap danced and screamed “Woo Woo” when McCain showed up.

Air Travelers
Air travelers won't be able to use Denver International Airport's Wi-Fi to visit sites considered "provocative." Travelers didn’t worry: the most provocative site is right there, in the airport restroom.

Daylight Saving
Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. That information goes for all the future presidents that are so concerned with 3 am phone calls at the White House.

Daylight Saving Time begins this Sunday at 2:00 am. I don’t think Bush understands the concept of Daylight saving, because he encouraged Americans not to save but rather spend it.

March 5th 2008

McCain
McCain had an exceptional, never-to-be-forgotten day Tuesday: First he swept in all four states the GOP held elections and then Huckabee threw in the towel and it fell on Obama’s head.

On Monday, John McCain said he is the right person to answer the phone at 3 a.m. in the White House. McCain said that it is hard to ignore your phone when your ring tone is: “Bomb bomb bomb Iran…”

On Monday, John McCain said he is the right person to answer the phone at 3 a.m. in the White House. He won’t have any problems because he gets out of bed to go to the bathroom every ten minutes.

Moses
An Israeli researcher claims that Moses was on psychedelic drugs. Apparently, he was not taking the Hebrews in search of the new land; he was taking them to a Phish concert.

An Israeli researcher claims that Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he heard God deliver the Ten Commandments. So there were probably 20 commandments, but he forgot the other 10.

American Idol
The Associated Press reported on Tuesday that there were no plans to remove contestant David Hernandez from American Idol, despite the semifinalist's past as a male stripper. Apparently, they are going to keep him around until Ryan Seacrest runs out of $1 bills.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton said she's earned every wrinkle on her face. Come on, give some credit to Bill!

Hillary Clinton said she's earned every wrinkle on her face. She has returned tons of those wrinkles back with all the Botox she’s had.

March 4th 2008

Oil Prices
Oil prices have hit an all-time high of almost $104 a barrel. Gas is so expensive that people cannot even afford enough gas to set their houses on fire to collect insurance money.

Elections
The chances of a U.S. female president are vanishing with the latest polls in Ohio and Texas. America will have to wait until the 2012 elections to renew the chances of a woman as a president, and that only if Hillary, Condoleezza or Larry Craig decide to run.

Media
Seventy percent of Americans feel the media is out of touch. The other 30 percent feel the media has touched them inappropriately.

News Anchors
Fox News anchor Ainsley Earhardt said that Fox female anchors do not wear pants because at Fox they like to be feminine. Hellooooo….. said Anderson Cooper of CNN.

McCain
Political experts are saying that to offset his weaknesses, McCain should choose a younger Vice president. That leaves his chances quite open: everybody but Larry King.

Nurses
A new survey by the Royal College of Nursing in London found that one in six nurses admitted to having sex with a patient; especially if you consider prostate exams some kind of sex.

A new survey by the Royal College of Nursing in London found that one in six nurses admitted to having sex with a patient. Unfortunately, the survey also said that only one in six nurses is OK looking and she is probably the one that didn’t have sex with you.

Waterboarding
A business in Utah is being sued for using waterboarding to motivate its sales people. No harm done; they sell oxygen tanks.

Liars
A new book claims that women are better liars than men. I don’t know about that… have you seen Hillary’s polls lately?

Sleep
According to the National Sleep Foundation, 29% of Americans have fallen asleep at work in just the past months. Apparently, most of them work as Mike Huckabee’s campaign staffers.

Larry King
Last week Larry King danced together with Janet Jackson during his show. People still think they were watching the video of Thriller. Somehow they assumed Larry was one of the zombies.

Last week Larry King danced together with Janet Jackson during his show. CNN executives were sweating; they thought they could be fined again for having Janet showing a boob… in this case, Larry.

American Idol
A three-year-old almost drowned in the bathtub because her mom was preoccupied watching “American Idol.” On a positive note, the kid was the lucky one that missed Ryan Seacrest’s stupid attempts at being funny.

March 3rd 2008

Obama
On Sunday, a Democrat Congresswoman from Ohio innocently accused the Obama campaign of trying to put a noose around Hillary Clinton's neck. She later apologized and said it was all a misunderstanding; the person trying to put a noose around Hillary’s neck was Bill.

On Sunday, a Democrat Congresswoman from Ohio used the word noose while talking about Barack Obama. Obama’s campaign was confused, they didn’t know if they should accuse her of racism, or of making fun of his middle name, Hussein.

Hillary
Hilary Clinton released a TV ad that says that your vote will decide who answers a 3 am phone call to the White House. You can be sure Hillary will be awake at 3 am, waiting for Bill with rollers in her hair and a rolling pin in her hands.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton disappeared from the campaign trail, and her campaign plane, with no explanation this Saturday as campaign spokesman Doug Hattaway refused to elaborate on the reason or her whereabouts. Apparently, she was seen at a kitchen supply store trying to get more stuff to throw at Obama.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton disappeared from the campaign trail, and her campaign plane, with no explanation this Saturday. Apparently, she left walking hand in hand with her ratings.

Analysts revealed this week that gays are leaving Hillary to support Obama. Not even gays like going down that fast.

Plagiarism
Tomothy Goeglein, a White House official, resigned Friday after admitting to plagiarism. I don’t think the White House got it, because to replace Goeglein, they hired Yahooin!

Semi-Pro
Will Ferrel’s basketball comedy “Semi-Pro” fell short of his previous blockbuster openings according to studio estimates Sunday. The movie did really poorly in Seattle, Milwaukee and New York where they have enough with their own semi professional basketball teams.

McCain
Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain made a huge faux pas when during a speech he called himself a liberal. Actually, that was not the only slip of the tongue he made that day; he also said he wants amnesty, he hates torture and he wants to do raspberries on Vicki Iseman’s breasts.

Lou Dobbs
According to the Hollywood Reporter, Lou Dobbs is starting his own radio show Monday. Dobbs says his show will be heard in tons of AM stations across the country, and by AM he means Anti-Mexican.

Ahmadinejad
This week, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad surprised and delighted the whole world when he announced that Iran was the "number one world power." Later reports clarified the statement. He didn’t say Iran was number one; he was just giving us all the middle finger.

Terrorist
The U.S. says it has captured an Iraqi insurgent leader who recruited his own wife to be a suicide bomber. During the interrogation he confessed it was his toughest job, especially when his wife asked if she looked fat in those bombs.