November 27th 2008

Hey everybody I'm in Newsday!!!! Thanks to Mr Rasak, and the people at Newsday for picking one of my jokes.. it's awesome... check the link here.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5942036nov26,0,1675177.story

Thanksgiving jokes....Happy thanksgiving to you all......Pedro

According to AAA, fewer people are expected to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday this year, in spite of falling gas prices and last-minute deals on airfares. Why would you travel if you already live with your parents, in-laws, and other relatives, after you were forced to share a house due to foreclosure?

President Bush pardoned two turkeys chosen through an online vote. Bush is so unlucky, he wins an election legitimately and he can’t include his name.

November and December are the best two months for the plumbing industry. November, due to the huge amount of food people eat, and December, due to the huge amount of presents people flush down the toilet.

The two turkeys that president Bush pardoned for Thanksgiving will travel via commercial plane to Disneyland, unlike the other turkeys Bush will pardon soon, the CEO’s of the big auto companies that will travel with their own jets.

A Lewiston man was stabbed downtown early Tuesday for the second time in less than a month. The police understood the reason right away after he testified, because his first words were "Gooble gooble..."

Economists believe the economy won’t bounce back until it hits bottom. It’ll happen soon then, because I already feel some of the decisions Paulson made in my own bottom.

A recent study determined that one in ten women have never had an orgasm. The other nine met me ... (thank you, I’ll be here all week...)

According to a survey, this Monday, 29% of people say they plan to shop online while at work. The other 71% are already unemployed.

President-elect Barack Obama and his wife took their daughters to work at a food bank on the day before Thanksgiving. Apparently, it’s just another bank that needed a bailout.

Jenna Bush’s husband will spend thanksgiving with the Bushes for the first time. Poor him, imagine Bush and him seating in the couch watching the games and Bush bragging about how he, himself, was able to bankrupt the most powerful economy in the world; he, himself, destroyed the GOP; he, himself...

The CEOs of the Big Three automakers said that next time they go to congress to ask for money they will travel commercial. They are not showing any thriftiness; you know how much money any airline is going to charge them when they travel back with all those bags carrying 25 billions in cash?

November 26th 2008

Hey everybody, I don't think many people are going to check jokes until next week, but just in case here there are some. I will have more tomorrow...You all have a great Thanksgiving... and please send your love at pedrobartes@hotmail.com

The New York Post reported Tuesday that Ann Coulter broke her jaw and had to have it wired shut. It wasn’t a big deal because she continued, like always, talking out of her ass.

The media reported Tuesday that the Space Shuttle Astronaut's tool bag was spotted orbiting over Canada. Later, they corrected themselves. Apparently, what some Canadians spotted was a bunch of tools that left America when Obama won.

A woman in Colorado will share her Thanksgiving table with 32 people that responded to an ad she posted on Craigslist inviting strangers to come over for Thanksgiving dinner. All of them are expecting to take care of the stuffing.

On Monday, the Charmin toilet paper company officially opened 20 deluxe bathroom stalls for shoppers in Times Square. It was an emotional celebration, especially when Larry Craig cut the ribbon.

Barack Obama skipped church last Sunday to go to exercise. It is understandable; he needs to be in perfect shape, because after the presidential campaign, a confession in church could take a long, long time.

According to recent surveys, one in 10 women never has an orgasm. The other 9 never make it as a Secretary of State.

November 25th 2008

Bush
President Bush said Monday that he had told Obama he’d inform him every time he was to make a big decision during this transition. Today, Bush called Obama to inform him that Laura had chosen paper instead of plastic at the supermarket.

President Bush announced a massive rescue package for Citigroup. This time he made it more spiritual, dressed as Santa, and screaming to the CEO’s "ho! ho! ho!"

Obama
Barack Obama says that he wants to rebuild America. Republicans immediately offered some people they don’t need anymore like Tito the Builder and Joe the Plumber....

In the news
According to a recent research, taking a nap helps people get creative. Please let’s feed Henry Paulson some Turkey right now....

A new study has found that women who go to church are less likely to die than women who don't, especially those who go to say "I do" to a wealthy rich old man.

A recent study has found that one in three American workers don’t have enough to do at work, especially at Chrysler…

A recent study has found that one in three American workers don’t have enough to do at work. The study was conducted among people in Congress.

According to a poll by PopEater.com, Jennifer Aniston is the celebrity you would most like to have Thanksgiving dinner with. Ben Affleck came in second, but just to be the turkey.

Stripper
A man in New York is offering a service that consists of a stripper dancing on a pole attached to the back of his bicycle. It is not that sexy though; the stripper doesn’t look that hot with the helmet on.

A man in New York is offering a service that consists of a stripper dancing on a pole attached to the back of his bicycle. How bad is our economy that now strippers dance on bicycles instead of limos? And what is worse, the guy is probably delivering papers at the same time!

Gas
Gas is only $2 average in the entire country. There goes our excuse to avoid the Thanksgiving family reunion!

Alan Colmes
Alan Colmes is leaving the Hannity & Colmes TV show to fulfill his dream of becoming a Kermit the Frog impersonator.

Ed Young
Reverend Ed Young, the pastor who challenged his congregation to have sex for seven days in a row, couldn’t complete the task. Fortunately for his church, his wife did.

Reverend Ed Young, the pastor who challenged his congregation to have sex for seven days in a row, only did 6 days because he was too tired. Apparently, it was hard for the pastor to have to please his wife plus all the women in his congregation.

November 24th 2008

Obama
Hillary Clinton seems to be Obama’s choice for Secretary of State. Because you know what they say: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer to far away countries…

Barack Obama said he’ll create 2.5 million jobs. I didn’t know so many people worked in the Clinton’s administration…

Several schools in the US are planning to change their names and name them after Obama. They are all Madrassas.

Palin
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin conducted a TV interview while turkeys were being slaughtered in the background. She plans to do that at every press conference now because for the first time nobody paid attention to what she said and focused on the killing.

Pardon
This is a different thanksgiving at the White House. This year 2 turkeys pardoned Bush.

This year president Bush might not pardon a turkey, but instead a lame duck: himself...

Viagra
A 2 year-old kid takes Viagra four times a day to help his respiratory system. That’s a kid that will grow up with a stiff personality.

A 2 year-old kid takes Viagra four times a day to help his respiratory system. Ironically he leaves every nanny panting and asking for air.

A 2 year-old kid has been taking Viagra since he was three month old to help his respiratory system. It helped him walk right away, the fact that he had a cane to use.

McDonald
A man is suing the McDonald's Corp after he left his cell phone at one of the chain's restaurants, and nude photos of his wife that were on it ended up online. He wasn’t worried about the pictures posted on the internet, but his wife is mad because they were posted in porkychubbychasers.com

Obesity
A 530-pound man is selling a naked calendar of himself. People have found it pretty effective to lose weight, because when you stick the calendar to the fridge, you’ll never want to open that refrigerator again.

A report says that more U.S. families are struggling to put food on the table. But just because kids can’t wait and eat it all while their mom is trying to reach the table.

In the News
A 13-year-old in Florida was arrested for repeatedly breaking wind in class. My grandpa better put a cork in his ass for Thanksgiving then...

According to a recent survey, nearly one in three men say their sex life would be improved if their wife got plastic surgery... like a penis implant.

Astronauts aboard the International Space Station tinkered Sunday with a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water. I don't want to be the guy that found out the machine wasn't working properly.

November 21st 2008

Hey I'm in Newsday ! thanks to Mr. Rasak and the people at Newsday, what a great way to finish the week, like always an honor to be around great writers. Check the link...

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5935642nov21,0,4493225.story

Friday Leftovers! if you want to send your love, please e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend....

Bush
In a video taken at the G20 summit, President Bush walks across a line of world leaders without shaking or being asked to shake any of their hands. Apparently, all leaders got tired of Bush’s old French tickle joke.

Biden
Vice-President-elect Joe Biden turned 66 yesterday. He couldn’t celebrate at a bar, because his hair is still too young to drink.

Recession
Thursday was World Toilet Day, and Wall Street celebrated by flushing everybody’s 401Ks.

With the economic crisis, the famous expression "mi casa es su casa" has a different meaning, because, due to foreclosure, my home is not yours, but the bank’s.

Celebrities
Tony Romo took a homeless man to the movies, a pretty nice gesture until you find out it was a Jessica Simpson movie.

Ashlee Dupreee, the prostitute involved in the Elio Spitzer scandal, told people magazine that she‘s done with the Escort service and wants to put it all behind her... and so do all her former clients.

Thanksgiving
A video captured some turkeys being killed while Sarah Palin was talking to the press at a turkey farm in Alaska. Unfortunately, five turkeys died, as well as three Democrats that were listening to her answers.

Christmas
A survey says more people will be enjoying big trees for Christmas this year than ever before. but that's because more and more of them will be sleeping on benches at the park.

Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the mortgage-finance companies seized by the U.S. government, will suspend foreclosures and evictions until January 9th. Just like any other lame Christmas present, it doesn’t last more than 2 weeks after Christmas.

News
A man in Canada, who was imprisoned for cutting off his dog’s ears, had part of his own ear bitten off by another inmate. I just hope Bob Barker doesn’t go to jail then.

A dog left inside a running van put the vehicle in drive, causing it to crash into a Long Island coffee house. Apparently, the dog decided to drive the car to chase a cat that passed by riding a motorcycle.

November 20st 2008

Al-Qaida
Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader released a video criticizing Barack Obama. What next? Are you going to tell me Karl Max wrote a letter saying he hates Obama too?

Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader released a video criticizing Barack Obama. Are they crazy? You don’t do that to a black guy that was told he can’t text anymore, that he can’t smoke, and that is going to have his mother–in-law moving in with him.

Al-Qaida's No. 2 leader released a video criticizing Barack Obama. He’s just another Obama supporter showing his discontent for the Hillary pick as a Secretary of State.

Big Three
The CEOs of the Big Three automakers are taking heat for flying on private jets to Washington, D.C. to request bailout money. Actually, they save more gas using a jet than if they drove one of the cars they make.

The CEOs of the Big Three automakers are taking heat for flying on private jets to Washington, D.C. to beg for bailout money. Actually, it would have been more embarrassing if they drove to Washington D.C. in their own Toyotas.

Celebrities
Rosie O'Donnell says that she wants to have a beer with Sarah Palin, a pretty risky move considering how dangerous Sarah Palin has been to the Whale population of Alaska.

Gene Simmons rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange Wednesday and the market went down 432 points. He’s a market genius because right there, on the floor, he sold tons of those KISS coffins.

Cleveland's LeBron James became the youngest player to score 11,000 times, still not even close to the number of times he scored outside the basketball court.

In the News
A 14-year-old teen in Miami lived without a heart for 118 days. “Big deal!” said Cheney...

eHarmony is launching a new dating website for homosexuals: eHomony.

November 19th 2008

Inauguration
District and federal officials in Washington DC are preparing for as many as 4 million people for the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. Actually, most of the 4 million don’t care much about Obama, they just want to make sure Bush is leaving.

More than 800 buses are expected in Washington DC for the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. The buses won’t carry anybody; they will be there to help Bush dispose of all the compromising documents he’s got in the White House.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton was concerned that she might not get her position as a Secretary of State because her husband needs to be vetted. And then she was told that they are using the same people that vetted Sarah Palin.

Hillary Clinton has been considered as a candidate for the position of Secretary of State. Several people believe Hillary is the right candidate because like Condoleeza she has worked "a broad" several times.

Voting
In the last elections in Duval County, Florida, Jesus received 23 write-in votes, and God got only six. I think somebody is going to get crucified again...

Hobo
A homeless man has been ordered to pay $101 million for starting fires that burned thousands of acres in California two years ago. And that is approximately 5 billion cans in hobo currency.

Lesbians
According to a recent survey, 3 in 5 lesbians say they were born gay.
. . . The other 2 met some of the other three at a college bar.

. . . The other 2 met some men like me.

Cars
Detroit's Big Three automakers say that if the don’t get the bailout money, millions of people in America will be unemployed, especially those who work in the tow truck industry that relies on those cars to break often.

In a recent study, a perfect 40 out of 40 women became sexually aroused when they heard the sound of a revving Maserati engine. Gay guys can’t get aroused with the engine of a car, because the Prius doesn’t make any noise.

In the news
According to an online poll, American women are angry because they believe they are being treated unfairly in the press, in the workplace, in politics. The poll is not considered accurate because it was done on that day of the month.

According to a new study, people who are unhappy watch 30% more TV than people who are happy, apparently, because the watch the news.

An inmate was awarded $300,000 after a flesh-eating bacteria that he got in prison destroyed his “member.” Apparently, he noticed there was something wrong with it, but never dared checked it because he was using his hands to cover his butt.

Owners of TiVo digital recorders connected to the Internet will be able to order Domino pizza with a click of their remote button. The company is expected to release new remote controls that are big enough for those fatty fingers.

November 18th 2008

Cuban
Mark Cuban was charged with insider trading for selling shares of the company Mamma.com, the Securities and Exchange Commission said Monday. I always knew that he was the kind of guy that would even sell his own Mamma to make a quick buck.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton was concerned that she might not get her position as a Secretary of State because her husband needs to be vetted. And then she was told that they are using the same people that vetted Sarah Palin.

Fattest
Federal health statistics revealed that Huntington, Virginia, is the fattest city in America. The mayor is not a bit concerned; the city has become big a tourist attraction. Everybody in America wants to travel to a place that makes them feel skinny, where even Michael Moore looks like one of the Olsen twins.

Inauguration
Washington DC is completely booked for Obama’s inauguration day, with not a single hotel available and with residents renting their own homes for a lot of money. Things are getting so crazy for a little space, even Larry Craig is charging to share a bathroom with him.

Washington DC is completely booked for Obama’s inauguration day, with not a single hotel available and with residents renting their own homes for a lot of money. Things are getting so crazy for a little space, politicians are asking their wives if they can bring their prostitutes home.

Jamie Fox
Jamie Fox said that now that Obama is the president- elect, Black people need to act responsible and cut out all the madness and silliness. Does that mean he’ll stop singing then?

Palin
Sarah Palin might get $7 million to write a book. The publisher is looking for a real ghost writer, because in her case, only a dead person can translate her gibberish into readable English.

November 17th 2008

Lohan
Animal activist in Paris dumped a bag of flour over Lindsay Lohan for wearing a fur stole. Activists dumped more flour over Lindsay Lohan later on when she got out of the car, but had to apologize because that wasn’t fur.

Animal activist in Paris dumped a bag of flour over Lindsay Lohan for wearing a fur stole. There are no pictures of the incident because she mistakenly snorted the flour.

Bush
On Wednesday, the "Most Beautiful Bottom" competition took place in Paris, France. President Bush said he had chances to win, because he hears lots of people telling him "What an ass!"

The president of China will visit Cuba soon. And if some Democrats have it their way, so will Bush, but just Guantanamo.

Economy
World leaders who gathered last week in Washington, D.C., enjoyed expensive wine and food, even though their agenda was to discuss the global economic crisis. I just don't want to be there when they discuss the AIDS pandemic.

Obama
According to international newspapers, Obama’s victory made it cool to say you’re an American again when you travel to Europe. Not everyone is enjoying this; the Canadian backpack industry is filing for bankruptcy.

President-elect Barack Obama met with McCain this Monday. These are signs Obama rubbed its victory on McCain’s face....

1. Obama called McCain to schedule the meeting at 3 am.

2. Obama sent his presidential plane to pick up McCain: The Air Force THAT ONE

3. Obama made McCain wait in the lobby because he was having a meeting with Bill Ayers.

4. Right before the meeting, Obama cancelled it to fix the economy.

The media is concerned because if Obama’s administration is like his tight-lipped and disciplined campaign, there won’t be any leaks. Unlike a McCain’s presidency, that would have guaranteed a lot of leaking.

TRL
"Total Request Live," the after-school snack for a generation of MTV viewers, has filmed its final episode on Sunday. Making it the first time they followed a viewers’ request which was “please, cancel the show...”

Palin
Sarah Palin continues to be a controversial figure in the GOP. Half of the party wants her to shut her mouth, the other half, her legs…

Some people say that Sara Palin’s answers to reporters don’t make much sense; Sarah Palin’s sentences are like a bridge to nowhere.

The number of suicides has increased in the US: mostly people affected by the bad economy, and those who‘ve done close caption during Sarah Palin’s interviews and speeches.

In the news
Authorities say an 11-year-old boy hit his mother in the head with a saw and then offered her $5 not to call police. His father was mad. “Didn’t I tell you the $5 bucks offer wasn’t for your mom but to the cops?” he said.

Good news, the U.S. smoking rate has dropped below 20% for the first time. Bad news: to calm down their nerves people now shoot each other.

Thomas Beatie, better known as the "pregnant man," is pregnant again. And you know that the baby will definitely choose baby formula.

Madonna thinks that Alex Rodriguez has the heart of a poet. So do Yankees fans, because during the play offs, A-Rod seems to be holding a pen instead of a bat.

Mexico City is giving out free Viagra and other impotence drugs to men 70 and older. And today Lou Dobbs started handing out free condoms…

November 14th 2008

Friday Leftovers! Please e-mail me if you have any comments, ideas, suggestions or whatever at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend....

Delay
After Joe Scarborough used a cursed word on the air, MSNBC added a 7-second delay to his show. The network already had a 7-second delay in other shows, not for foul language, just to dump any accidental positive comments about Republicans.

Palin
Sarah Palin has given interviews to Fox, NBC's "Today show”, CNN, speeches and even a press conference at the GOP governors meeting in Miami. I don’t want to say she is talking too much, but today even Joe Biden said "Wow, what a blabber!"

Bailout
A senior Democratic senator raised doubts on Thursday that an attempt to bail out U.S. automakers had enough support to clear Congress this year. Senators agree that Ford, GM and Chrysler need some help so they are sending a gigantic tow truck.

Cheney -Biden
Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife gave Joe Biden and his wife a tour of the vice president's mansion Thursday. After seeing the condition of the house, the Biden’s hired an interior designer, a landscaper, and an exorcist to get ready to move in.

Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife gave Joe Biden and his wife a tour of the vice president's mansion Thursday. After the meeting, a scared Biden spoke to Obama who told him “See? If you say one more stupid thing, I’ll send you again...."

In the news
Nebraska parents are rushing to leave kids at the hospitals before lawmakers meet in a special session to amend the ill-fated safe-haven law. After that, parents will be forced to get rid of their teens the old fashion way: pretending to be cool parents in front of their kids’ friends.

On Wednesday, the "Most Beautiful Bottom" competition took place in Paris, France. President Bush said he had chances to win, because he hears lots of people telling him "What an ass!"

According to a recent research, Human beings show individual "odourprints" that cannot be masked by diet. So, no matter how much garlic politicians eat, they still smell like BS.

An Oklahoma woman died during her initiation into the KKK. Apparently, part of the initiation was to send her wearing the KKK outfit to a BET rap award party.

According to a recent study, six in ten middle-aged people use no protection the first time they have sex with a new partner. The others don’t want to run any risk because they are doing it with Paris Hilton.

November 13th 2008

McCain
The National Enquirer says that John McCain's wife Cindy McCain, was seen several times "passionately kissing and hugging another man." McCain has a suspect, because since September none of their houses has had a problem with a clogged toilet.

The National Enquirer says that John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, was seen several times "passionately kissing and hugging another man." A lesson to be learned... So much caring about who Obama palls around with, McCain forgot to check who his wife did.

Senator John McCain visited the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Things got out of control when McCain walked on the set and started yelling at Kevin Eubanks thinking he was Obama.

Obama
The Democratic Party in Kansas wants to make November 4 a national holiday to remember the historic election that Obama just won. But later they were reminded that Obama already has a holiday: Christmas.

It was reported in the media that Michelle Obama’s election-night earrings cost a reported $11,000. She didn’t spend much though; Hillary is desperate for money and sold them to her for half the price.

It was reported in the media that Michelle Obama’s election-night earrings cost a reported $11,000. She didn’t spend much though; she changed those earrings for two tickets to attend inauguration day.

Disney has invited Barack Obama’s daughters to visit Hannah Montana. Obama can’t say no, they owe Disney; after all, even Mickey Mouse voted for him.

Foley
Mark Foley talked to the press and said that he is not a pedophile because his lurid chats were with 17-year-olds, just months from being men. To what Larry Craig said: “I can’t wait they become men, I can’t wait!”

In the news
A Canadian teen that ran away after his parents confiscated his Xbox was found dead. Apparently, in real life, prostitutes don’t enjoy being punched like in Grand Theft Auto.

Saudi Arabia recently hosted its first ever beauty pageant for sheep. And like in any other beauty pageant, the winner was the one that slept with the judges.

Canadian prison authorities were forced to release a 450-pound drug gang member this week because he was too large for his cell. Immediately after he was set free, prison guards noticed the absence of 20 inmates who apparently were smuggled out of prison hiding up his ass.

The United States may be on course to lose its 'AAA' rating due to the large amount of debt it has accumulated. Judging by the latest government’s decisions the new rate given to the states will be AA!

Vice President Dick Cheney and his wife invited the future vice presidential couple to their residence at the Naval Observatory. And today Biden was spotted buying a house-warming gift for Cheney: a basket full of roasted puppies.

November 12th 2008

Palin
Did you hear that Sarah Palin now claims she has military experience? Ever since the GOP took all her clothes, she has to go commando.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin says she was puzzled by the amount of attention her wardrobe got. Apparently, she is used to getting way more attention when she doesn’t wear any.

Sarah Palin recently declared that she hoped God would show her the open door to the presidency. Ironically, God’s son just closed it for her.

Right after the elections, Sarah Palin gave interviews to Fox, NBC's "Today show” and CNN. Am I the only one the misses the last presidential campaign, when she wasn’t allowed to talk much to the media?

McCain
The market continues its steady decline a week after Obama’s victory. A confused John Mccain today called a press conference to announce he's suspending his campaign to return to Washington and fix the economy.

Bush
President Bush said Tuesday he regrets saying some things he shouldn't have said, like eight years ago when he said: "I do solemnly swear ..."

President Bush is not getting the offers he expected to write his memoirs. Apparently, publishers know that nobody in his right mind would like to remember anything of his administration after this is over.

Obama
Michelle Obama thanked Hillary Clinton for tips on raising children in the public eye. Hillary’s first advice: When your daughters get to college, never let your husband be around when their friends visit the White House.

In the news
A 150-year-old reptile turned up Monday morning in the front yard of its home, following a mysterious six-week disappearance. CNN was concerned they were never going to do another Larry King Live show.

Chinese officials announced yesterday that they're going to dispose of their poisoned milk by mixing it with cement-making materials in order to make bricks. What they don’t say is that the bricks are LEGOs to sell to kids in the US.

According to a new study, one in every 12.5 million spam emails actually gets a response. The problem is that everybody gets almost 12. 5 million spasm emails a day.

Britney Spear’s 2-year-old son was hospitalized in Mississippi over the weekend, after having a bad reaction to something he ate. Apparently, he was chewing on his mom’s latest CD.

November 11th 2008

Obama
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is under fire for saying that he will get along well with Obama because he is young, handsome, and with a tan. Somebody please tell Berlusconi that Romney didn’t win the elections.

Dogs are not the only pets US presidents had in the White House: John Quincy Adams had a pet alligator, Benjamin Harrison had two pet opossums, and Bill Clinton a little cow named Monica.

Michelle Obama wore yesterday a bright red dress to visit the White House. Apparently, she wants to help the economy by attracting a bull market.

People who betted money on Obama to win the elections are celebrating after cashing their winnings. They’ll have time to cry when Obama taxes them for their winnings, though.

The secret service investigated more than 500 death threats against Obama during the election. They already have a suspect because most of the letters finish with "You betcha I’m going to kill you..."

Zoo
An elephant at the Houston zoo died of herpes. And today zookeepers spotted a mouse running around the zoo scratching its crotch.

Palin
Sarah Palin's father said that Sarah spent Saturday getting the clothes ready to return them to the Republican Party, but that she was concerned some of it might be lost, like her kids’ underwear. Apparently, she ordered Todd to check the back of some cars to find Bristol’s.
In the News
According to a recent research, Human beings show individual "odourprints" that cannot be masked by diet. So, no matter how much garlic politicians eat, they still smell like BS.

Researchers from Columbia University have found that 59% of teens eat dinner at home with their family at least five times a week. The other 41% aren’t that lucky because not even their parents can afford diner anymore.

Dick Cheney went to Andrews Air Force Base's medical center on Saturday to get his knees X-rayed. Apparently, kneeling to pray Satan for an Obama loss took its toll on his knees.

Actor Josh Brolin said that President Bush saw the movie W and liked it... until Laura told him it was about him.

Bush
During the visit to the White House Obama wanted to discuss domestic affairs with the president. And Bush spent almost two hours telling him which maid he should not trust.Michelle

Obama asked president Bush and his wife Laura for advice about schools in the area to enroll her two little daughters. Bush recommended the one which kids help him with his school homework.

November 10th 2008

Biden
John Biden told a reporter that he gained 6 lbs. during the presidential campaign. I didn’t know feet were so rich in calories.

John Biden told a reporter that he gained 6 lbs. during the presidential campaign. Apparently, Obama and his aids kept shoving food in his mouth so he wouldn’t talk.

Weed
A Fox reporter in LA said that he could smell weed during an Obama's party in Hollywood. Well, Republicans are lucky because oxycotin doesn't smell.

Toilet
The Eighth Annual World Toilet Summit and Expo just ended last week. Phenomenal! said Larry Craig... Outstanding! said George Michael.

Palin
When Sarah Palin returned to Alaska, she heard a crowd of people chanting "2012, 2012!” The crowd consisted mostly of comedians who will miss her more than anybody else.

Obama
Barack Obama cancelled a firework display that was supposed to take place at his Grant Park victory party. Apparently, he did it when he realized they were pointing at the main stage.

Barack Obama told MTV that kids should pull their pants up. Already a big difference from the Bush administration when some congressmen would ask kids to pull their pants down.

In a radio address over the weekend, president-elect Barack Obama said he’ll ban torture. Does it mean we’re getting rid of "The View?"

Barack and Michelle Obama had their first dinner out since the election Saturday. You can already feel the change, as they were pulled over by cops only twice before they got to the restaurant.

In the News
A candlelight vigil in Laguna Beach Saturday evening drew about 1,000 gays and 2000 flames.

November 7th 2008

Republicans
McCain aides claim that Sarah Palin didn’t know Africa was a continent. Palin immediately denied those rumors because it is not true she doesn’t know Africa, as a matter of fact, she gets personal e-mails all the time from the Prince they have there.

Republican officials continued chanting "Drill Baby, drill” after the election. The meaning is a little different now. It means to drill and find more dirt about Sarah Palin.

Presidential dog
Barney, the White House dog, bit a Reuters reporter yesterday. Bush and the rest of the White house staff were mad at Barney; he was supposed to bite Keith Olberman.

Newspapers
Wednesday morning, every newspaper in the US, except for the "Rockdale Citizen" in Rockdale County, Georgia, had a picture of Obama on the front page. Apparently, the "Rockdale Citizen" doesn’t believe in change and carried the picture in the back of the paper.

Obama
President elect Barack Obama went to exercise Wednesday morning, just hours after being elected president. Apparently, now more than ever Obama needs to be in shape to start dodging the bullets.

Immediately after the elections, new born kids all over the world were named Obama or Barack. Unfortunately, no kids were named with his middle name.

In the news
George Bush is scheduled to pardon a turkey next week, and today Ted Stevens went gobble gobble, gobble gobble.

Three tigers escaped from a Mexican Circus, in Michoacan Mexico. Unfortunately, there were casualties involved after the incident: the three tigers were eaten by a bunch of hungry locals.

The U.S. is ranked 36th in the world for freedom of the press. And if you’re reading this, it means we probably gained some positions.

November 6th 2008

Hey good news! I'm back in Newsday! Thanks to Mr Rasak and the people at Newsday for including one of my jokes next to great comedy writers! Here's the link.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5913643nov06,0,2461609.story

Republicans
With Obama’s victory, Republicans are finally going to have the war they have wished for such a long time. Unfortunately the war is going to be within the Republican party.

Researchers found that Republicans have a better sense of humor than Democrats. So much so they even used a joke as a vice presidential candidate.

Michelle Obama
Everybody is talking about the dress Michelle Obama wore Tuesday night. Luckily for her the only one that won’t be able to comment about it is Mr Blackwell.

Everybody is talking about the dress Michelle Obama wore Tuesday night. A beautiful dress with some touch of Black panther and a little bit of red communism.

Presidential dog
President-elect Barack Obama, will make his promise good and get a rescue puppy for his two young daughters. So far they have in mind a runaway dog name Lieberman, a terrier named Bill Ayers, or a bitch pitbull name Sarah.

Newspapers
Most of the newspapers with the picture of Obama on the cover were sold out Wednesday morning. Democrats wanted a picture of Obama to remember a historic moment, Republicans wanted a picture to use as target for shooting practice.

Elections
After the elections , Barack Obama's family in Kenya slaughtered four bulls, sixteen chickens and an assortment of goats out of happiness. And Sarah Palin’s family slaughtered four bears, sixteen moose, and assortment of foxes out of anger.

Political analysts believe Sarah Palin wasn’t much of a help for McCain in the elections. Not even Neiman Marcus, Gucci or Balenciaga voted for her.

November 5th 2008

Election Night
CNN debuted a new gadget in Election Day when they beamed in a holographic image of a reporter from Chicago. Right after the elections, Lou Dobbs begged CNN to beam him to Canada.

CNN debuted a new gadget in Election Day when they beamed in a holographic image of a reporter from Chicago. It was too much when the reporter said: “Help me Obama, you’re my only hope...”

All the networks debuted gadgets that helped them with the broadcast of the election. FOX news included botox injections in the make up room because most of its reporters were aging by the minute when the results started coming in.

Karl Rove was one of the few reporters that didn’t look depressed during Fox election day broadcast. His secret? Taking a peek of the movie "Roots" during commercials.

Fox news reported voter intimidation by Black Panthers in Philadelphia, and voter intimidation by white cougars in New York.

Joe the plumber was pulled over for speeding in Toledo, Ohio, but didn’t receive a ticket. The cop was sympathetic with the plumber, especially when Joe said he was hurrying up before his 15 minutes were over.

The media reported that several people cried while casting their votes on Tuesday. It wasn’t the emotion, just the pain of the cramps for having to wait standing in line for hours.

A woman in Los Angeles went into labor while standing in line. And before she was able to vote the kid was already walking.

John McCain gave an emotional concession speech in front of thousands. Nader phoned his only voter but the call wasn’t answered.

A woman in San Antonio went to vote in an ambulance because she really wanted Obama as president. When she left the booth, she gave the finger to her doctor and started screaming “free health care, free health care..!”

Bush spent election night in the White House residence, watching TV and hosting a small dinner with his wife, Laura. I don’t want to say he was depressed, but he asked Laura for an extra order of pretzels.

A 103-year old man voted for the first time in his life and did it for Obama. Apparently, he claimed McCain was too old.

It was reported Tuesday that right before the elections, Obama shot some hoops. Palin, some moose.

In the news
A 73-year-old full-time student scored twice playing basketball for his college Monday. Lucky for him, he scored twice later on the night as well with two underage chicks; one was 60 and the other 65.

According to a study, female teens who watch racy shows like "Sex and the City" or "Grey’s Anatomy" are twice as likely to get pregnant in the next three years. None of the pregnancies are caused by male teens that watch those shows though....

A 73-year-old full-time student scored two free throws playing basketball for his college Monday. How bad does Shaquille O’Neal look now that even a 73-year-old man scores free throws?

On Election Day Sarah Palin voted in Wasilla, but refused to tell reporters who she’d voted for. She became such a drag for the party that if she admits she voted for McCain/Palin it could really hurt their chances.

November 4th 2008

Elections
Today is Election Day, or as a Nader calls it, Tuesday.

Democrat Barack Obama came up a big winner in the presidential race in Dixville Notch, N.H., where the nation's first Election Day votes were cast and counted early Tuesday. I don’t want to say it’s over, but if you check e-Bay, someone in Alaska is selling designer clothing.

On Election Day a woman flipped a coin before voting to decide her choice. She ended up voting for Obama what proves that Obama is for change and change is for Obama.

According to his PR agency, Joe the Plumber won’t be recording a country album. Ironically, he didn’t have the pipes for that.

President Bush and John McCain only shared 12 minutes since Bush endorsed him early on in the campaign. And that just because they bumped into each other while hiding from Dick Cheney.

In the news
Two 16-year-old teens have been abandoned at Nebraska hospitals under the state's much-criticized safe haven law. When my uncle Paul heard that, he bought a house in Nebraska, painted it white, put a sign that said hospital and waited outside in a recline chair.

Jean-Claude Van Damme has been forced to cancel promotional appearances for his new movie "JCVD" because he has a dog in a coma. Apparently, the dog was exposed to a preview of the movie.

November 3rd 2008

Elections
According to a recent study, more Republicans are afraid of losing the elections than Democrats. The evidence: most of the tickets to Canada booked after the elections are first class.

John McCain plans to barnstorm the country Monday with a final campaign push that will take him to seven states. Fortunately for him, he’ll be in bed very early on Tuesday and with plenty of time to rest after the 4th.

Starbucks is giving free coffee to people that voted on the 4th. I don’t think that give away is going to be popular among Republicans. Most of them don’t want to remain awake for at least another 4 years.

Starbucks, Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, and other companies are giving away their products to people that voted on the 4th. Voting day is that only time Americans feel like congressmen that got paid by lobbyist when they vote in Congress.

President Bush is said to be hiding from the media until the elections are over so he won’t hurt McCain’s chances. Apparently, he’s hiding where nobody expects him to be, at the White House library.

Palin
On Halloween, Sarah Palin took her kids trick-or-treating around her neighborhood. Her kids didn't do that well... Apparently, Russians aren't that generous.

Sarah Palin was pranked by a Canadian radio show that called her pretending to be the president of France. After McCain’s phone call offering her the VP position, she believes anything is possible.

McCain
Vice president Dick Cheney has endorsed John McCain. For Cheney that’s like shooting your face but without the hassle of going hunting.

Political analysts believe that senator McCain might have ruined his future with all the lies he’s spread in political ads throughout the entire campaign. Who is going to believe him after the elections when he tells you that Viagra works, or Pepsi is better than coke?

Obama
It was revealed that Obama has an aunt from Kenia that lives in the U.S. illegally. McCain was shocked that the story didn’t surface earlier, because he needed to hire somebody to clean his houses.

Senator Obama said that if her aunt disobeyed the laws for staying in this country as an illegal immigrant, he wouldn’t oppose deportation. It seems Obama can’t forget those bad Christmas presents and wet-kisses, cheek-grabbing moments through out his childhood.

In the news
A Chicago instructor taught driver's ed with a revoked license after 2 DUI convictions. Apparently, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Billy Joel were among his students.

According to researchers at Swinburne University of Technology in Australia, watching online pornography might make you depressed, especially if your boss catches you doing it at work.

A woman in Michigan didn’t give candies to kids that support Obama. Unfortunately, the media couldn’t get a hold of her the next day, because she was too busy scrubbing her home of tons and tons of eggs and smashed pumpkins.

A woman in Michigan didn’t give candies to kids that support Obama. It was the opposite of the Bradley effect; all the kids told her they liked McCain just for the candies, but if they could vote, they would go for Obama.

Gasoline prices continue to plummet. Is that safe? I don’t want gasoline at a accessible price right around the elections, especially when people’s feeling could be hurt.