January 31st 2010

Hillary Clinton did not attend the State of the Union Address. Next time she’d better come up with a better excuse. Everybody at the White House laughed when she claimed she couldn’t go because she had a romantic dinner with Bill.

The Menifee School District in Southern California removed dictionaries from classrooms after a parent complained when a child found the term "oral sex." Sorry but this story sucks!

The Menifee School District in Southern California removed dictionaries from classrooms after a parent complained when a child found the term "oral sex." Fortunately for the teens, teachers are willing to teach that term without the use of any books.

Because of the economy, fewer women are going blonde. It is so hard to find blondes; even Fox is hiring brunettes like Sarah Palin.

Navy doctors on the USNS Comfort; a floating hospital docked off the coast of Haiti, put out a call requesting breast milk donations to help Haiti. And a moved John Edwards said today he is willing to help pumping and collecting all the samples.

James Cameron says that "Avatar" has a "political subtext." He is right, anything that looks good to the eye, like his 3D movie, no matter how lame the script is, will succeed, just like in politics.

Two Michigan men claim that "Pants on the Ground" was stolen from a song they wrote in 1996. Maybe if they didn’t have their pants on the ground they wouldn’t have gotten screwed.

A study said that the city that has the most depressing local news is Boston, especially this year if you are a hardcore Democrat who hates the Yankees.

A dentist left a piece of a drill in the head of a woman for 11 months. And even worse; she also got the stupid music they play at the reception stuck there as well.

The U.N. Population Fund says that condom use battles global warming. I told you Sarah Palin and her family don’t believe in Global Warming.

A man was arrested at a Wal-Mart in Canton, Ohio for urinating on steaks. Or as R-Kelly calls it: Steak Sauce.

Argentina’s president recommended pork as an alternative to Viagra Wednesday. It is true; we know how aroused politicians get when they pork in congress.

Paul Shirley, a former NBA PLAYER, said Haitians should "use a condom once in a while". How does he know about condoms? He is NBA player!

Steven Tyler sang two songs over the loudspeaker while shopping at a Home Depot in L.A. He also bumped into the other members of Aerosmith that were at Home Depot picking up new singers for the band.

January 29th 2010

President Obama tried to use last night's State of the Union Address as an opportunity to reconnect with the middle class. Why waste any air time? The middle class in America is so small he could have called those 3 people on the phone.

During the State of the Union Address, President Obama promised to use 2010 to focus on creating jobs. I believe him, he’ll get jobs for Americans, especially if you are a Republican and you are running against a Democrat in any 2010 election.

President Obama said he is rooting for the Saints in the next Super Bowl. If I were a Colts fan I would start celebrating because if it goes for the Saints like it went for the Democratic candidates Obama backed in the last 3 elections, the Saints are screwed…

Newly-elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown will be on Jay Leno's show tonight. Meanwhile, I heard David Letterman has requested his daughters.

Around 11 of the chimpanzees at the Edinburgh Zoo in England were given a camera to film themselves. And today NBC executives made an offer to buy the footage and include it in their primetime lineup.

Around 11 of the chimpanzees at the Edinburgh Zoo in England were given a camera to film themselves. It is a new reality show called NBC Executives.

President Obama wants a three year spending freeze. You mean like the one Pelosi has on her face?

John Edwards and his wife have reportedly legally separated. They are supposed to split 50/50; they will get one America each.

John Edwards and his wife Elizabeth are now legally separated. John is devastated; during the settlement he is supposed to give 50% of all his hair care products to her.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I saw the pictures and I finally understand why his knees are always injured. His junk probably keeps on hitting against them all the time.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for frontal nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I don’t want to say he is well endowed, but Bin Laden is trying to recruit him to hide a missile in his underpants.

Portland Trail Blazers center Greg Oden is apologizing for frontal nude photos of him that have surfaced on the internet. I’m tired of these athletes jumping on the bandwagon of Pants on the ground.

Steve Jobs unveiled yesterday the new Apple Tablet called the i-Pad. You know that Microsoft will try to launch a better product like they did with the Zune and will come up with their own version: The Maxi-Pad... it has wings!

I like the i-Pad, but I think it is kind of big. Do you have an i-pad in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? The i-Pad is not practical… only to be used once a month.

I already hate the i-Pad; my wife told me the other day that she was not going to have sex with me because she was with the i-Pad.

Researchers at Stanford University are developing a car that doesn't require a driver. That’s a nice present to one of his best former students: Tiger Woods.

A study found that children in the UK, as young as 11, were consuming almost two bottles of wine a week. Would you blame them? You don’t have your mom forcing you to eat that horrible food?

Paul Davies, a physicist from Arizona State University, believes that alien life may already be living among us. Has this guy been in California? It is flooded with aliens and they are mostly illegals.

Paul Davies, a physicist from Arizona State University, believes that alien life may already be living among us. Lou Dobbs has been fighting them for years.

A study says that children who are ambidextrous are more likely to develop mental problems. Apparently, it drives them crazy to decide which hand to use to please themselves.

The US teen pregnancy rate rose in 2006 for the first time in 16 years. I guess this time Democrats will be finally right if they blame Bush.

After Obama's State Of The Union speech last night, Chris Matthews said he forgot Obama was black while he was watching it.He shouldn't worry about it, Rush Limbaugh will remind him of that every day.

January 27th 2010

Jay Leno is going to appear on Oprah. I doubt he is going to jump on Oprah’s couch professing his love for NBC. I’m glad Oprah didn’t invite Letterman because, if he’s going to start jumping on the couch to profess his love for his mistresses, it’ll take a week.

Jay Leno's been booked to host this year's White House Correspondent's Dinner. It was supposed to start at 10 PM, but it was moved to 11:35 now.

A woman in Georgia made her son kill his pet hamster with a hammer after he got bad grades in school. Don’t worry; the kid is so dumb, he played “You can’t touch this” to the hamster for hours and the pet is still fine.

An environmental group in Michigan called The Ecology Center says that the "new car" smell can kill you. So, it is official; GM and Chrysler have not killed anybody in a couple of years.

The value of the White House has reportedly dropped in the past year by 5.1%. Real Estate agents are stupid; this is the time to raise the price of the White House; Republicans would pay anything to get back in there!

A new study says that one day humans will be able to reach 35 or even 40 miles per hour, especially if they're being chased by an aroused Andy Dick.

The clinic in Mississippi where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating is said to be using fake tigers to fool the media. The reporters became suspicious when they saw one of the doubles hitting on a black woman.

The clinic in Mississippi where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating is said to be using fake tigers to fool the media. So if you are a waitress in Vegas and had sex this weekend with the hope you were doing Tiger, sorry... keep on working.

President Obama tells ABC News' Diane Sawyer that he'd rather be a "really good one term president" than a "mediocre two term president." And Republicans immediately offered their help to make Obama’s wish come true.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. The neighbor’s wife was surprised, especially because her husband told her he’d be in the LAB.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. I know Conan is not allowed to see Triumph anymore, but this is too much.

A man in Arizona found his neighbor having sex with his dog. Come on! He was just throwing the dog a bone.

Gawker.com reported yesterday there’s a sex tape of former senator John Edwards having sex with his former mistress Rielle Hunter. It is not that exciting; Edwards stops having sex every two seconds to ask for a make-up and hair artists.

President Obama welcomed the Los Angeles Lakers and their families to the White House yesterday. You know, Biden usually gets the unpleasant jobs; he had to welcome the Clippers.

President Obama welcomed the Los Angeles Lakers and their families to the White House yesterday. All the basketball players love him, especially when they heard that Obama wants to double the childcare tax credit.

January 26th 2010

NBC is looking for programming to fill the 10 PM slot now that Leno has moved to 11:35. They have tons of offers; I heard there’s a guy pitching a great and spicy script of a married TV host that likes to bang his interns.

The media is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are legally separating. Lawyers believe they are gonna split everything 50/50… 50 kids each…

Things are getting worse for the poor little kids in Haiti; not only did they suffer an Earthquake, but now they have to suffer the humiliation of wearing the Vikings and Jets Super Bowl Jerseys.

NFL officials are really concerned now that Brett Favre is out of the Super Bowl. He was the only player old enough to know who The Who are.

The good thing for Brett Favre about being that old is that he probably already forgot what happened yesterday.

Mississippi police is going to beef up security at the clinic where Tiger Woods is rehabilitating. Apparently, they want to protect Tiger from the paparazzos, and the nurses from Tiger.

The All-American Basketball Alliance announced earlier this week its plan to launch a whites-only basketball league because they feel white are minorities in the NBA. Shouldn’t someone launch a Non-steroid baseball league then?

The All-American Basketball Alliance announced earlier this week its plan to launch a whites-only basketball team. Finally a chance for Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team!

Fox News was the only News network that didn't broadcast the Hope for Haiti benefit show. Fox didn't need to do it; they already did a lot for Haiti; if Pat Robertson was right, Fox News helped Haiti to get rid of the French.

Former senator John Edwards is said to have gone to Haiti to escape the media after he admitted to having fathered a child out of wedlock. You have to give Edwards some credit for the sacrifice; you know how bad the Haitian weather is for his hair at this time of the year?

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape where he claims responsibility for the terrorist attempt in Christmas. You can see he is desperate to be relevant again because at the end of the tape he performs his own version of “Pants on the ground.”

Osama Bin Laden released a new audio tape where he claims responsibility for the terrorist attempt in Christmas. You can see he is desperate to be relevant again because at the end of the tape he says he is with team Coco.

Andy Dick was arrested Saturday in West Virginia for grouping two men at a bar. The good news is that if his career as a comedian ends, he can always work as an airport screener.

Andy Dick was arrested Saturday in West Virginia for grouping two men at a bar. According to his lawyer, he was just being patriotic and checking it they had any bombs hidden in their underwear.

A new study suggests that running can improve your memory, hopefully in time to remember you are running because you were caught having sex with your friend’s wife.

A new study suggests that running can improve your memory. Apparently, the study doesn’t apply to Obama because he ran for president and forgot all the promises he made during the campaign.

A report by USA Today suggests that sex on TV has increased dramatically. It is true; in the last two weeks we saw how NBC screwed Leno and Conan on national TV and the FCC didn’t do anything about it.

Carrie Underwood and her hockey player fiancé have yet to set a wedding date. They are calculating food for almost 500 guests, actually 400 and Randy Jackson…

Chelsea Clinton raised over $60,000 for Haiti by hosting a 90-minute spin class. And you know that Bill raised something while looking at some of the hot women wearing spandex.

January 24th 2010

As part of his sex-rehab therapy, Tiger Woods is supposed to apologize to all the people he hurt. I know that there are rumors he was well endowed, but aren’t we exaggerating a little?

As part of his sex-rehab therapy, Tiger Woods is going to have a disclosure day where he will have to apologize to his wife and friends for his sexual indiscretions. Actually, considering the number, it might have to be a disclosure week, because one day won’t be enough if he has to name all of the mistresses.

The editor of the National Enquirer says he intends to submit his tabloid's coverage of former U.S. Sen. John Edwards' sex scandal for a Pulitzer Prize. Say whatever you want, but nobody ever thought Obama was going to win a Nobel Prize.

A man is suing British Airlines for branding all men as sexual predators because of a new policy the airline has implemented which does not allow minors to be seated next to unfamiliar adult males. Sorry, but if you are an adult and you are fighting to be seated next to a kid on a plane, you have to be a perv. Who would enjoy sitting on a flight next to an annoying, screaming kid?

A man is suing British Airlines for branding all men as sexual predators because of a new policy the airline instituted which does not allow minors to be seated next to unfamiliar adult males. He would have a case, if his name wasn’t Roman Polanski…

According to the New York Times, despite all the hacking threats, most people use very easy passwords to crack. I use one that never fails: Bin Laden, because nobody can find it.

A 300-pound woman in Cleveland got three years' probation because she sat on her 120-pound boyfriend and killed him. Prosecutors couldn’t get a longer sentence because they couldn’t remove the evidence out of her ass.

A 300-pound woman in Cleveland got three years' probation because she sat on her 120-pound boyfriend and killed him. Mmmm now I get it… my wife has been putting on a lot of weight lately.

There's a new app called "Nude It" which shows what people would look like naked. Or you can save the money and wait for the body scanners at the airport.

Cindy McCain and her daughter Meghan both support gay marriage now. John McCain is mad; he said marriage was intended to be between Adam and Eve, and he knows about that because he was invited to their wedding.

John Edwards visited Haiti to do relief work. And today Haitians contacted Satan to see if they could do a new pact to get rid of him.

A report says that wars are less deadly than they used to be. That’s why Dick Cheney wants to compensate by having more wars.

John Edwards admitted to being the father of his baby daughter. Apparently, he wants to pimp her in the future like Scott Brown is doing with his two daughters.

A picture of Madonna and her naked boyfriend appeared online yesterday. And today Republicans called Madonna and asked if her boyfriend would be interested in running for a senate seat.

A picture of Madonna and her naked boyfriend appeared online yesterday. So far, not so many people dared look at the photo; they are afraid it could be considered child pornography.

January 22nd 2010

AskMen.com has released its annual list of the 99 Most Desirable Women. Unfortunately, Mo’nique lost by a hair, or lots…

Heavy rainstorms continue to pound L.A. It is raining so much Conan is taking his staff back to New York in Noah’s Ark.

During the victory speech, Scott Brown said to the entire country that his two daughters were available. And he got texted immediately by Levi Johnston.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. That gives finally a chance for Rush Limbaugh to become the owner of a sports team.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. It’ll be hard to distinguish the players with their white uniforms and their hoods on.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. It won’t work in America; the games are likely to have less scoring than soccer.

According to a report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league aims to launch in twelve cities this summer. After he read about this, Al Sharpton decided to launch a blacks-only Hockey league.

Holiday Inns in Britain are going to start offering guests free *human* bed-warming service. Real people will climb under the sheets for five minutes while you brush your teeth and get ready for bed. It can’t fail; so now when your wife catches you with someone in bed, you tell her the other woman was a bed warmer.

President Obama's approval rating has dropped 17 points since his inauguration. So now NBC wants to hire him to host the Tonight Show.

A man in Scotland has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. Apparently, he was desperate for some wood.

A man has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. Apparently, the first couple of days in sex rehab are the hardest to handle for Tiger.

A man has been banned from a public park after he allegedly tried to have sex with a tree. I totally agree, look how bad it went for the country when someone decided to have sex with a Bush.

Health experts say sitting for long periods of time could be deadly. Isn’t it a coincidence the study showed up just when Scott Brown won the Massachusetts seat?

Scientists have been able to turn stem cells into pork. Apparently, the Health Care bill is full of stem cell.

January 21st 2010

The White House says President Obama's first priority right now is to create jobs. He’s got plenty of openings in the Democratic Party after yesterday’s loss in Massachusetts.

Nancy Pelosi said yesterday that Congress will pass healthcare reform regardless of the Massachusetts results, especially now that most Democrats will need medical attention to deal with yesterday’s defeat.

New Jersey became the 14th state to allow medical marijuana use. Doctors in New Jersey will prescribe it to Nets fans to deal with their pain.

New Jersey became the 14th state to allow medical marijuana use. Doctors in New Jersey will prescribe it to people living there to deal with their pain.

Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour in the spring .He wants to win again; he is tired of getting beat at home by his wife.

Tiger Woods may return to the PGA Tour in the spring. Rumors started circulating after he was heard saying he can’t wait to leave sex rehab to go back to the 18 holes.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra: B-cups two drinks, D-cups a bottle of vodka and bigger than that a diet soda.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra. As if they needed the bar to give them free booze… guys would do it anyway.

A Singapore nightclub is said to be providing drinks to women according to the cup size of their bra: B-cups two drinks, D-cups a bottle of vodka and bigger than that a lot of alcohol for the guy that takes them to bed.

France accused the US of occupying Haiti. Come on, like they have any oil there, why would we do that?

Ratings for the three-hour Golden Globes broadcast were 14% higher than last year. With these good ratings now the broadcast is likely to be cancelled by NBC…

Ratings for the three-hour Golden Globes broadcast were 14% higher than last year, but just because people wanted to see Mariah Carey’s Golden Globes.

There's a new iPhone app called iTrust that lets you know if your girlfriend or boyfriend has been trying to look through your phone. But if you use the app, shouldn’t it be called iDon’t-trust then?

Hollywood is producing “Bad Boys 3”. This time the Bad Boys are played by Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh.

"New York Post" reported yesterday that Kim Kardashian is going to get an engagement ring if her boyfriend, Reggie Bush, gets a Super Bowl ring. I guess we now know that Sunday the Vikings will win after Reggie mysteriously fumbles every pass he gets.

January 20th 2010

President Obama asked George W. Bush to help with relief efforts in Haiti. As if Haitians didn’t have enough suffering with the Earthquake.

David Blaine did street magic for 72 hours in New York City to raise money for Haiti. Actually, the one doing real magic for Haiti was Wyclef Jean; I’ve heard he made money disappear!

Yesterday was "Blue Monday," considered by many in the scientific community to be the worst day of the year. And today is blue Tuesday… if you are a Democrat in Massachusetts.

Yesterday was "Blue Monday," considered by many in the scientific community to be the worst day of the year, eEspecially if you are a Dallas or Arizona fan.

According to a recent study, one in ten Americans did not get enough sleep on any night in the past 30 days. Apparently, they didn’t go to see the latest Jackie Chan Movie.

Brett Favre sung “Pants on the ground” after Sunday’s victory. It should have been Tony Romo singing it; after all, his pants were the ones on the ground throughout the entire game.

Tomorrow is Obama’s first year anniversary as president. Remember when a year ago he promised change? He made that promise good, because a year ago, everybody was a Democrat and now…

Tomorrow is Obama’s first year anniversary as president. You can see the year took its toll on the President’s image; he went from black, to light skinned.

Republican Scott Brown won the elections in Massachusetts despite the fact that 20 years ago he was a nude model. Apparently, people voted for him anyway because, if this time we are gonna get screwed as usual, at least we’ll know with what.

According to a survey by the U.S. Census Bureau, the average American man between the ages of 15 and 44 has had sex with 5.4 partners. I have to thank Tiger for pushing the average up, because I can barely claim to have one partner.

A thief in Seattle died while he was trying to steal some guy’s wallet. Apparently, he needed the money to buy the farm.

A study by researchers at the University of California at Berkeley, determined that the hotter the woman is, the meaner she turns. And today I’d like to nominate Susan Boyle for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Glen Bell, who founded Taco Bell in 1962, has died at the age of 86, and to honor him, today there’s going to be a 21-fart salute.

Glen Bell, who founded Taco Bell in 1962, has died at the age of 86. He left a huge legacy: millions and millions of fat Americans.

New York City's skinniest house at less than ten feet wide has sold for $2.1 Million, probably bought by a fat celebrity that just wants to brag she can fit there.

A man in North Carolina celebrated his 77th birthday by biking 77 miles. Hopefully, he gets to be a 100 so he can finish the 77 miles.

President Bush praised Obama for his response to the situation in Haiti. Unfortunately, with the wrong choice of words: “Brownie you’re doing a heckuva job.”

January 19th 2010

Tiger Woods is said to have entered a clinic for sex rehab. Come on Tiger! I can save you the hassle. Just put on 150lbs, give away all your money, and let’s see if you can screw any other chick anymore.

David Letterman said he wants to help Conan O’ Brian. Apparently, he is willing to have sex with all of Conan’s female staff members.

The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News?

Doomsday Clock was moved back one minute from five-minutes-to-midnight to six-minutes-to-midnight. And still… Conan doesn’t want to take that time slot.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. “I didn’t sign any pact with them,” said Dick Cheney.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. Come on Pat! You know you’re lying. You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French!

Republicans want to implement the strategy that helped them win in 1994 and believe that like in 1994 it is “Time for another Contract with America”. Wrong time to talk about contracts, especially after what NBC did with the Leno’s and Conan’s contracts.

The Transportation Security Administration says screeners at a small airport in Montana inadvertently allowed a passenger with a firearm in his carryon luggage through security last month. They probably got star struck when they saw such a great NBA basketball player, like Gilbert Arenas, visiting such a small town.

According to Newsweek, the number of cases reported in male-on-male sexual harassment is rising. The increase is mostly noticeable among keyboard players that joined Adam Lambert’s band.

A Manhattan plastic surgeon will donate all the proceeds from Botox and fillers to Haiti relief efforts on January 20. He expects to raise a fortune considering that that day Nancy Pelosi is her patient.

A man in Alaska used duct tape to fix his airplane after it was attacked by a bunch of bears. Nothing new… Southwest Airlines has been using duct tape to fix their planes for decades.

Tiger Woods may donate $3 million for earthquake relief in Haiti. It is a way to pay them back for grabbing the headlines and making people forget about him for a while.

In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton.

January 17th 2010

Tiger Woods is undergoing rehab treatment in a sex clinic in Mississippi. . Come on Tiger! I can save you the hassle. Just put on 150lbs, give away all your money, and let’s see if you can screw any other chick anymore.

David Letterman said he wants to help Conan O’ Brian. Apparently, he is willing to have sex with all of Conan’s female staff members.

The Doomsday Clock has been set back 1 minute. In moving the clock from 5 minutes before midnight to 6 minutes before midnight, scientists expressed optimism for humanity's future. Are you sure? Have these scientist watched Glen Beck and Sarah Palin together on Fox News?

Doomsday Clock was moved back one minute from five-minutes-to-midnight to six-minutes-to-midnight. And still… Conan doesn’t want to take that time slot.

TV evangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. “I didn’t sign any pact with them,” said Dick Cheney.

Televangelist Pat Robertson said Haiti was cursed because when they were a French colony, they made a pact with the Devil to get rid of the French. Come on Pat! You know you’re lying. You don’t need a pact with the devil to beat the French!

Republicans want to implement the strategy that helped them win in 1994 and believe that like in 1994 it is “Time for another Contract with America”. Wrong time to talk about contracts, especially after what NBC did with the Leno’s and Conan’s contracts.

The Transportation Security Administration says screeners at a small airport in Montana inadvertently allowed a passenger with a firearm in his carryon luggage through security last month. They probably got star struck when they saw such a great NBA basketball player, like Gilbert Arenas, visiting such a small town.

According to Newsweek, the number of cases reported in male-on-male sexual harassment is rising. The increase is mostly noticeable among keyboard players that joined Adam Lambert’s band.

A Manhattan plastic surgeon will donate all the proceeds from Botox and fillers to Haiti relief efforts on January 20. He expects to raise a fortune considering that that day Nancy Pelosi is her patient.

A man in Alaska used duct tape to fix his airplane after it was attacked by a bunch of bears. Nothing new… Southwest Airlines has been using duct tape to fix their planes for decades.

Tiger Woods may donate $3 million for earthquake relief in Haiti. It is a way to pay them back for grabbing the headlines and making people forget about him for a while.

In an interview with People magazine, Obama said that Tiger Woods can rehabilitate his life despite all the affairs. Why would they ask Obama about that? If they wanted an expert opinion they should have asked Bill Clinton.

January 15th 2010

A website reports that Jay Leno is considering walking away; leaving NBC without Jay or Conan. And as if that wasn’t bad enough for NBC; Fallon and Carson Daily are staying.

President Obama is asking for $33 billion to fund the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. And today Dick Cheney suggested attacking Iran first to get the money there.

A musical about the election of Barack Obama premieres in Germany this weekend. It is expected to be very popular the first couple of weeks and then completely ignored by everybody.

Pope Benedict met and forgave the woman who knocked him down on Christmas Eve. So now the Saint Louis Rams won’t feel guilty when they sign her for the next season.

A sheep in Turkey gave birth to a lamb with a human face. You can imagine the uncomfortable situation when the husband sheep was in the delivery room next to the owner of the farm.

A sheep in Turkey gave birth to a lamb with a human face. The worst part, the lamb looks like Tiger Woods.

AOL is laying off 1,200 employees. Only half of them know about it yet, those who have Comcast as an internet provider.

A Brides Magazine employee was fired for showing her new breast implants to friends at work. Apparently she didn’t show them to her boss.

A Brides Magazine employee was fired for showing her new breast implants to friends at work. They must have been horrible…

Scientists will reset the Doomsday Clock" to show us whether they think the humanity is getting closer or further from total annihilation. They think it is obviously getting closer considering Sarah Palin is on TV.

According to a survey, president Obama and his family topped a poll of the Most Desirable Neighbors in America. But just because people know that if Obama lives next to you, you are guaranteed not to have Joe Biden nearby.

According to a survey, president Obama and his family topped a poll of the Most Desirable Neighbors in America. But just because you can show up to all his parties uninvited and security wouldn’t even notice it.

According to a new report, the number of bird and plane collisions has increased tremendously. Birds are worry and are now demanding Airlines implement a stricter control on FUY.. Flying Under the Influence.

A company called Vivus is coming up with a pill like Viagra that just acts in 15 minutes. Perfect, now Rush won’t have to wait that long for the heart attack.

A guy was arrested at a restaurant in Seattle Washington after he was caught fondling himself while looking at the waitress. Apparently she took a peek and it was not going to be a big tip.

Hugh Hefner admitted today that he is back down to only one girlfriend. And you thought the bad economy only affected you.

January 14th 2010

Researchers say that watching hours of TV could shorten your lifespan. Now Democrats are saying they don’t want to broadcast the Health Care debate in CSpan because they want America to live longer.

Researchers say that watching hours of TV could shorten your lifespan, especially if you are an Obama supporter and you watch Fox News.

A new report found that people who consume the most alcohol in the world live in Ireland. The survey is said to be flawed because it was done the day David Hasselhoff was visiting.

Did you notice that this week Mark McGwire admitted taking steroids; Palin signed with Fox; Jayson Williams pleaded guilty? I think I know why they all used this time to break the news. Tonight show hosts are so busy pocking fun at each other in their monologues, that they don't have time to make jokes about anything else...

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease, especially because of all the aerobics you do running from black athletes.

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease. So now I believe Rush Limbaugh when he says his heart is very healthy, because he is such a big ass!

According to a research by the University of Oxford in England, having a big butt can help reduce the risk of heart disease. I guess the Kardashians will live to be a 120 then.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement saying that use of steroids era is over. Manny Ramirez couldn’t stop crying when he heard the report, but just because the women’s fertility drugs make him very emotional.

Conan O’ Brian might be leaving NBC to go to Fox. Analyst came up to that conclusion because in his latest monologues he started trashing the Obama administration.

"People" magazine says Tiger Woods has checked in “The Meadows” an upscale clinic in Arizona, to be treated for sex addiction. Apparently, the clinic wants to avoid any temptations so they surrounded Tiger with only black female nurses.

Jan Gabriel, the announcer best known for the "Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!" monster truck rally commercials, died at the age of 69. The funeral starts this Friday, Friday Friday!

One of the Mexican drug cartels sawed the face of a rival onto a soccer ball. Apparently, they did it for no reason, just because they got a kick out of it.

Following the release of her book, Sarah Palin has now signed to be a contributor to Fox News. Who says that you can’t succeed economically during the Obama Administration? Ahh, Sarah Palin…

Some people complained of headaches after having seen the 3D movie Avatar. But the migraines pale in comparison to the ones I get when I hear people debating Avatar.

January 13th 2010

Longtime "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell announced he’ll be leaving the popular Fox talent show at the end of the season. In a way, I’m kind of happy. I don’t think I want to see Simon’s nipples when 3D TV arrives.

Southwest Airlines tops the list of the best places to work, especially if you are a pilot; I’ve heard they let you drink at work.

Former homerun king Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Wow, that is almost as shocking as Adam Lambert’s admission that he was gay!

Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Other players suspected of taking steroids got a little nervous; for instance, Sammy Sosa went pale!

Mark McGwire finally admitted yesterday that he used steroids for almost a decade. Apparently, he knew the truth was going to come out, especially with the new body scanners, everybody will know how shrunk his testicles are.

Former NBA star Jayson Williams has pleaded guilty to aggravated assault and agreed to serve at least 18 months in prison. He would rather spend some time locked up than having to go back and play for the New Jersey Nets.

Today is Rush Limbaugh’s birthday. I guess we know which wish he is going to ask for before blowing the candles.

Fox signed Sarah Palin. I thought they had already found a replacement for Paula Abdul.

Sarah Palin signed a multi-year deal to be a contributor to Fox News. And today the sales of DVR’s went to the roof; every comedian in America bought one.

Fox News signed Sarah Palin. She is expected to start next month, and quit soon afterwards.

Sarah Palin believed that Sen. John McCain chose her to be his running mate in 2008 because of "God's plan.” Apparently, God is heavy into comedy.

A new book revealed that people inside the McCain campaign, including the senator, thought that Sarah Palin was dumb and mentally unstable. And now we know why Fox News hired her.

The elderly in Scotland are burning books to stay warm during the cold weather. Ironically, they are burning copies of Al Gore’s “The Inconvenient Truth.”

An explosive new book about the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign alleges that former president Bill Clinton once said that president Obama would have been serving them coffee a couple of years before... unlike now that we have Latinos for that.

According to a recent study, it would take nine hours of vigorous sex to burn off the calories of six chicken McNuggets. Now, the problem is trying to convince your girl to have sex after taking her for a date to McDonalds.

Fox announced that the show "Glee" has been picked up for a second season. Finally a smile on Ryan Seacrest’s face after the devastating news that Simon Cowell was leaving American Idol.

Longtime "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell announced he’ll be leaving the popular Fox talent show at the end of the season. Apparently, he wanted to spend more time criticizing his family.

January 12th 2010

The underwear bomber suspect plead "not guilty". Apparently, the lawyer is going to use a very old but successful defense: if the underwear doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

During a speech about security, President Obama said that the buck stops with him. He is right; after he became president nobody has seen a buck anymore...

Fox is allegedly trying to snatch Conan O’ Brian from NBC. Conan is showing signs he might like the move; in his last monologue he didn’t stop trashing Obama.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. There’s no doubt my wife is trying to kill me then.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. I wonder if I can take matters in my own hands.

A new research finds that men who have sex at least twice a week can almost halve their risk of heart disease. Tiger Woods is going to live to be 120 then.

NBC is taking Jay Leno out of the 10:00 P.M. hour because they want to reinstate some scripted dramas. More drama that the one they created lately with Leno, Conan and Fallon?

NBC has decided to move Jay Leno out of the 10:00 P.M. hour. Fortunately, Jay can deal with all these silly decisions the network is making; he can take a punch or two in the chin.

Disney is ending "Hannah Montana" after the upcoming season. It seems things are getting worse and worse for Roman Polanski.

Tea Party activists are calling for a nationwide strike on the anniversary of President Obama's inauguration. It is a safe bet; most Americans won’t go to work on that day, but just because they are unemployed.

A new book revealed that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid said that Barack Obama could win the White House because Obama was a "light skinned" African-American with no Negro dialect. Even Tara Reid looks smarter that Harry Reid now.

A new book revealed that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid said that Barack Obama could win the White House because Obama was a "light skinned" African-American with no Negro dialect. And today Sammy Sosa announced his candidacy for 2012.

Sarah Palin believed that Sen. John McCain chose her to be his running mate in 2008 because of "God's plan.” Apparently, God planned for Democrats to win.

Jack Nicklaus said that it will be difficult for Tiger Woods to break Nicklaus' record of 18 major titles if he skips 2010. But with more time in his hands, it’ll be easier for Tiger to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record of sleeping with more than 20,000 women.

A study says that red wine fights tooth decay. Unfortunately, you still lose your teeth when you get drunk and fight at a bar.

A Boeing employee was busted for trying to hire somebody to kill his wife. As a Boeing employee, he should have known that that was not going to fly.

January 9th 2009

President Obama said in a speech yesterday that we need to "keep dangerous people off airplanes." I guess, from now onwards, Charlie Sheen is driving everywhere then.

A legal brothel in Nevada got county approval Tuesday to be the first to hire male prostitutes. It is not going to work, why would a woman in Vegas pay for sex if they can always get Tiger Woods to do it for free?

A naked male jogger was nabbed outside the White House yesterday. Apparently, Bill Clinton’s New Year resolution was to lose some weight.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Awesome! People will now be able to remember that they got cancer from the radiation from the cell phones.

Researchers discovered that radiation from cell phones may reverse Alzheimer's disease. Perfect! People will now be able to remember to hide their mistresses’ compromising text messages from their wives.

There’s a new movement which preaches that it’s ok to be chubby. It’s called “Fat Acceptance Movement.” Already a contradiction in the name; Fat and Movement can’t go together.

A dog in Australia got a face lift and a double eye lift. He looks great, like 70 dog years younger!

A new poll named France as the best country in the world to live. It is true; look at Roman Polanski; he’ll do anything to go back there!

Mariah Carey was drunk when she accepted the Breakout Actress award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival. But even drunker than her were those who chose her as the best breakout actress!

Pamela Anderson has reportedly split with Jamie Padgett, the electrician she'd been dating. Ironically, she’ll be forced to go back to the batteries now.

A man is going to prison for ten years after being given the maximum sentence for stealing meat at a supermarket in South Carolina. He won’t need to do that in jail. He’ll get plenty of meat offers there and for free!

Katie Couric turned 53 yesterday. Ironically 53 is the same number of people that are watching her in the news lately.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You know that the pipe was asking for it.

A man in England who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters. You can’t blame him, it was a laying pipe.

January 8th 2010

According to a book written by one of Bin Laden’s sons, Osama banned laughter in his home. Apparently, the only show the family was allowed to watch was The Carson Daily Show.

According to a book written by one of Bin Laden’s sons, his dad tested poison gas on their family pets. It is a pity we can’t find him, because I’m sure the Philadelphia Eagles might want to sign him.

Gilbert Arenas has been suspended indefinitely from professional basketball. So maybe he can play for the New Jersey Nets now.

Hanesbrands has ended its advertising campaign featuring Charlie Sheen. They already have new people in mind: Tiger Woods and the Underwear bomber!

Hanesbrands has ended its advertising campaign featuring Charlie Sheen because of domestic violence charges filed against the actor. I don’t think the advertising agency got it, because they immediately thought of Chris Brown as a replacement.

The White House is mad at PETA for using the image of Michelle Obama in an anti-fur advertisement without her permission. PETA officials claim they thought she wouldn’t have any problem because we all know how much she hates Bush.

Temperatures are dropping all over the country. It is so cold, Gilbert Arenas is not pulling his guns anymore because he doesn’t want to take his hands out of his pockets. Nobody is travelling anymore. You know how embarrassing a body scan is with such a cold weather?

The U.S. government is using $25 million in stimulus money to buy and install full body scanners in airports this year. How ironic; they are using money from the stimulus package, to see yours.

A new study from the University of Alberta in Canada has found that having a mean gym teacher in school can turn people off of physical fitness for life. I don’t know about that, but I heard having a female gym teacher in school can turn women off men for life.

January 7th 2010

Cher is selling her home in Hawaii for $12 million. Among the rooms, there’s a perfect man cave, with a huge home theater, pool table, sports paraphernalia, posters of hot chicks in bikini; what used to be Chaz’s room

Madonna's 13-year-old daughter Lourdes has started dating. So now finally both can go boyfriend hunting to high school parties.

A marine biologist announced the discovery of a new species of crab. You see, dating Paris Hilton has its advantages…

The TSA might install full-body scans at airports in the US. A piece of advice… If you want to move fast while in line, positioned yourself behind ugly people, because screeners won’t spend a second looking at them.

President Barack Obama told his security chiefs on Tuesday that the botched Christmas Day plane bombing was the result of a screw up by U.S. intelligence. Most people were shocked to hear that…. The US has intelligence?

During a meeting at the White House, President Barack Obama scolded high level officials on Tuesday over the botched Christmas Day terror attack. People at the meeting were all silent; not even the Salahi’s had anything to say.

Joan Rivers was bumped off a flight in Costa Rica when a Continental gate agent found her passport to be suspicious. Apparently, the picture in the passport looks 20 years older than her actual face.

Parts of the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport were shut down for about 90 minutes Tuesday due to a bomb scare. It was nothing; just a bag carrying NBC’s 2010 schedule.

A three-year-old boy lost his favorite Christmas present to airport screeners at the New Orleans airport when they confiscated his Play-Doh before he boarded the plane. I’d take my chances with explosive underwear rathers than dealing with an annoying crying kid throughout the entire flight.

Cops busted Gary Milby, a fugitive oil executive, after he appeared on the TV show "My Super Sweet 16". I’m glad the super 16 he’ll be forced to try in jail won’t be that sweet.

Two thieves were caught after trying to flee the police by running across a football field where a team of off-duty cops were playing. Tough luck, if they had tried crossing the field during a Saint Louis ram training session, they would still be fugitives.

According to a recent survey, half of all wives say they lie to their husbands about how much money they spend on themselves. Fair enough… half of all husbands lie about how much money they spend on their mistresses.

Al Bernardin, the inventor of the McDonald's Quarter Pounder has died at the age of 81. The key for such a long life? He never ate a quarter pounder.

A teen died after inhaling helium he'd bought at Wal-Mart in Riverside California. Apparently, he wanted to become balloon teen.

Temperatures are freezing cold in most parts of the country. It is so cold:

We are all starting to look bluer than the Avatar creatures.

Terrorists are boarding planes with bombs in their union suits.

People are going to the airports just to get patted by screeners.

January 6th 2010

The Secret Service admitted that a third person snuck into the same White House state dinner in November. Apparently, the Salahi’s came with their own makeup artist.



The Secret Service admitted that a third person snuck into the same White House state dinner in November. Apparently, it was the Salahi’s debt collector trying to get some cash from them.



One of President Obama's resolutions for 2010 is to lose some weight. And today Rush Limbaugh sent him a box of donuts and said that he hopes Obama fails.



Doctors say there's nothing wrong with Rush Limbaugh's heart. It’s still full of hate like it was before the heart attack.



Montana has become the third state to allow doctor-assisted suicide. And since it's Montana, doctors expect extremely long lines to begin forming.



President Obama appointed a transgender woman named Amanda Simpson to the Commerce Department. Typical chauvinist Obama; he wants someone that thinks like a man, but gets the salary of a woman.



President Obama appointed a transgender woman named Amanda Simpson to the Commerce Department. That’s sex change we can believe in!



The TSA might introduce full body scans at the airports. I’m all for it, but just because I can’t wait for somebody to finally tell me whether Lady Gaga is a man or a woman.



Tomorrow, kids all over the world expect the visit of the three wise men. Good luck this year, because with all the extra security at airports and all the racial profiling, I doubt they will make it in time. If they are really wise men, they shouldn’t wear any underwear to speed up the screening.



Tomorrow, kids all over the world expect the visit of the three kings. Obama too, but just to bow to them.



Tyra Banks is ending her talk show. I don’t think Obama is going to like welcoming 2010 with another Bank closing.



A guy from New York with the world's longest junk is unemployed. Obama better do something about it, or he’ll get recruited by Al-Qaeda to hide a huge missile in his underwear.



Kate Hudson dumped Alex Rodriguez because she suspected he was seeing Madonna. Apparently, she found several boxes of Bengay in his bathroom cabinet.



A group of scientist claim the G-spot doesn’t exist. Aren’t they supposed to have sex to know that? I would buy the study if it came from Tiger Woods.





Obama has demanded tighter security for all air travel in America, the bad news is that with a middle name Hussein, he is on every no fly list and won’t be allowed to board the Air Force One anymore.



Most people have losing weight as one of the New Year resolutions. Especially in 2010, you don’t want to look fat with the body scans coming to all the airports.

January 5th 2010

HAPPY 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing in Hawaii. Apparently, when he heard he was going to get lei there, he stuffed himself with Viagra.

Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing in Hawaii. Apparently, he got really agitated when he took a look at Obama’s birth certificate confirming he was born there.

President Obama was in Hawaii when Rush Limbaugh was taken to a hospital with chest pains while vacationing there. The president was sympathetic, and immediately offered to send him Michael Jackson’s doctor.

The end of 2009 looked quite optimistic for president Obama. The Senate passed the Health Care Bill, jobless claims fell, and Rush had a heart attack! Not bad… not bad…

Scientists found a deep hole on the moon that could be suitable for a colony. I don’t want to be rude but I heard Uranus hole could fit the entire state of California.

Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton of the Washington Wizards drew guns on each other during a confrontation in the locker room. No big deal; if they shoot like they do during the games, chances are nothing will happen to any of them.

Two Washington Wizards players drew their pistols in the locker room. And as you can imagine several groupies got pregnant.

According to the Obama administration, the White House received more than 25,000 visits since Obama became president. And 24,980 of those visits belong to the Salahi’s.

Teens between 16 and 18 will need adult supervision if they want to use a tanning bed. I don’t think there’s going to be any problem finding an adult willing to accompany any young hot teenager wearing a bikini.

AT&T has dropped Tiger Woods as a spokesman. He wasn’t good for business anymore. Would you use AT&T knowing that more than 300 text messages and a phone call can cost you a fortune?

Charlie Sheen was arrested on domestic abuse charges in Colorado after allegedly threatening his wife with a knife. Now we finally know who the half man in his TV series is.

Charlie Sheen was arrested on domestic abuse charges in Colorado on Christmas day, after allegedly threatening his wife with a knife. Apparently, he got really mad when he opened his Christmas presents and discovered he had gotten underwear again.

After the Charlie Sheen incident, Hanes has released a new line of underwear. The new briefs come with extra padding in the crotch to compensate for the lack of balls.

During Christmas day, a Nigerian man tried to blow up a Northwest flight with explosives hidden in his underwear. He was discovered by a Dutch passenger who suspected there was a bomb in this guy’s underpants because nobody would be happy to be in a Northwest flight.

During Christmas day, a Nigerian man tried to blow up a Northwest flight with explosives hidden in his underwear. Who would have thought that underwear on fire would have made people forget about Tiger Woods for a while?

PETA has named Ellen DeGeneres Woman Of The Year. Apparently they took into account the love, protection and caring the female host has for every beaver in the world.

Elton John is helping Eminem battle drug problems. It works, when Elton John is around, you don’t dare get any blow.

The world's tallest building opened today in Dubai. There were two long lines of visitors. Those who wanted to appreciate the view from such a height, and those who wanted to jump because they lost all their money in the market.

Elin Nordegren turned 30 on January 1st. She didn’t want a cake; apparently she was afraid a woman would come out of it claiming to have had an affair with Tiger.

2010 is the Year of the Tiger. Coincidentally that’s the number of women claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods.

A guy from New York with the world's longest junk is unemployed. I just hope he doesn’t get a job in public office, because getting screwed by this guy can really hurt.

Scientists find a deep hole on the moon that could be suitable for a colony. I don’t want to be rude but I heard Uranus hole could be fit the entire state of California.