January 31st 2008

McCain
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is endorsing John McCain today; just weeks after Sylvester Stallone made the same announcement. McCain is said to be very excited, because he finally has something in common with the Reagan era: The horrible action movies.

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick
Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pleaded for forgiveness from his family and his constituents Wednesday after several racy text messages contradicted his sworn testimony that he did not have a physical relationship with a key aide. In a written statement, the mayor said: “I ddnt av 6ual relationships W dat wmn”

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick pleaded for forgiveness from his family and his constituents Wednesday in an emotional televised speech after several racy text messages contradicted his sworn testimony that he did not have a physical relationship with a key aide. The TV channel went too far when they asked their audience to text message their opinions.

Oscars
Oscars’ organizers said they are preparing two ceremonies in case writers end their strike: A boring ceremony and a really boring one.

Flight
An Air Canada flight had to make an emergency landing after the co-pilot went crazy on the air. In a written statement, Air Canada said they are investigating this case to find who hid the co-pilot’s bottle of vodka.

Britney
Britney Spears’ headlines continue to dominate the front pages of tabloids, newspapers and internet websites. This has prompted most Americans to go to youtube and record a new crying video: “Please, Britney, leave us all alone!”

Giuliani
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani formally ended his presidential candidacy and threw his endorsement to John McCain. You can already see Giuliani’s influence in the McCain campaign. In a new TV ad McCain is blaming 9/11 on the Mormons.

Hulk Hogan
Wrestler Hulk Hogan has announced he's endorsing Barack Obama. Barack needs Hogan to beat Hillary; Bill has been trying for years to put Hillary on her back, but has never been successful.

January 30th 2008

Giuliani
Republican presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani is expected to drop out of the race today. There it goes the last presidential candidate that looks good in a skirt.

Republican presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani is expected to drop out of the race today. Apparently he said he wants to spend more time with his mistresses.

Republican presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani is expected to drop out of the race today. The announcement is expected to occur around 9:11 your time.

Edwards
Democratic Presidentrial Candidate John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race today. Apparently he wanted to spend more time with his hair.

Cheney
Vice president Dick Cheney celebrates his 67th birthday today. Cheney says he feels better and younger this year. Apparently, he’s only had five heart attacks while trying to blow the candles.

Vice president Dick Cheney celebrates his 67th birthday today. It was quite strange, but no matter how hard he and his family tried, his daughter refused to blow the candles with him.

Vice president Dick Cheney celebrates his 67th birthday today. Apparently, as a part of the celebration all the prisoners at GITMO were champagne boarded.

Movies
Matthew McConaughey confessed in an interview that during the filming of his last movie, Kate Hudson constantly begged him to use deodorant. That’s a shared feeling because I always thought Matthew McConaughey’s movies stunk.

January 29th 2008

Bush
There are rumors several writers might have crossed the picket line and started working again. The union suspects that only professional fiction writers could’ve written Bush’s last state of the union address.

President Bush signed several autographs to people in the audience that assisted to his last State of the Union Address. White House officials made it clear to the press; Bush was not signing autographs; he was signing promissory notes to Chinese Banks executives.

Political analysts agree Bush’s last State of the Union Address had a strong message about Global Warming. Especially because it looks like Bush recycled the same speech he gave in the last couple of years.

President Bush signed several autographs to people in the audience that assisted to his last State of the Union Address. Apparently on e-Bay they give one Obama’s future State-of-the-Union-Address for seven of Bush.

McCain and Romney
During the last couple of weeks, Mitt Romney and John McCain have been accusing each other of being liberals. They might have a point, because they were both fighting last night to see who would give the opposition response to Bush’s State of the Union Address.

College
A new survey from Cambridge University in England found that the more sex you have in college the worst your grades get. Not if the people you have sex with are the teachers…

A new survey from Cambridge University in England found that the more sex you have in college the worst your grades get. No wonder I was known as Einstein in College.

January 28th 2008

John McCain
Senator John McCain avoided answering how he would capture Osama Bin Laden when asked by Washington Wire. The Republican candidate said that “he will not telegraph his punches.” How old is McCain that he “telegraphs the punches”? Doesn’t he know of the existence of e-mails?

Wedding Shower
Barbara Bush revealed over the weekend that Jenna Bush and 15 girlfriends had her Wedding Shower at the White House. Apparently, Jenna’s friends were told not to bring any adult toys because you can still find some if you look carefully in some hidden places in the oval office.

Super Bowl
Fox Network said they are not going to run any political ad during the Super Bowl. Apparently they already had too many problems last time they showed a boob during the Half Time show.

Cold
A man in New York broke the world record for standing completely submerged in ice when he did it for 72 minutes. Not everybody agrees; some Guinness officials believe the record is still in the hands of those forced to spend time with Hillary in her campaign trail.

JFK
A day after his win in South Carolina, presidential hopeful Barack Obama got the endorsement of Caroline Kennedy, former President John F. Kennedy's daughter. The next day, Ford offered Obama another endorsement if he helps promote a new line of convertibles.

Helmet
An experimental helmet which scientists say could reverse the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease within weeks of being used is to be tried out on patients. The only problem is that most patients forget to put it on.

Memory
Scientists in England said they have firm evidence that chimps have better memory than humans. During the research a chimp beat the British memory champion 3 times at a computer memory game, and when asked about the 2008 US elections, the chimp refused to vote Republicans.

Scientists in England said they have firm evidence that chimps have better memories than humans. Apparently, they were in touch with the scientists that designed the helmet in the previous joke.

January 27th 2007

FCC
The FCC Commission has proposed a $1.4 million fine against 52 ABC Television Network stations over a 2003 broadcast of cop drama NYPD Blue for showing a bare buttock. ABC executives said the fine is unfair because NBC shows Donald Trump all the time and what can be a bigger ass than him.

Rebates
According to congress rebates could be in your hands by May, but may not

Rambo
Sylvester Stallone is back this weekend with the 4th chapter of Rambo. This time the Vietnam War veteran John Rambo returns to fight and evil creature that despises him and all of his kind: Bill O’ Reilly.

Sylvester Stallone is back this weekend with the 4th chapter of Rambo. This time John Rambo used his arsenal to fight congress to get the approval of over-the-counter testosterone.

Couples
A new study finds that spouses who fight with each other live longer. Unfortunately that theory didn’t apply for OJ’s wife.

A new study finds that spouses who fight with each other live longer. Knowing my wife, she won’t fight with me anymore after this.

South Carolina
Things do not continue to shape up for John Edwards in the Democratic primaries as yesterday he finished in 3rd in his born state. Things were so bad that he even finished last among hairdressers and barbers in South Carolina.

In the South Carolina primaries only 2 out of 10 black people didn’t vote for Obama. Apparently Bryant Gumbel and Wayne Brady were registered to vote there.

Fire
A huge fire broke out on the top floors of a 3,000-room Las Vegas hotel and Casino on Friday, forcing the evacuation of guests and staff and quickly engulfing parts of the building's facade and roof. Last time people saw flames of that magnitude in Vegas was when Siegfried and Roy invited Clay Aken on stage.

January 25th 2008

Friday leftover!! I'm still fighting the cold,hoping to get better this weekend..

Bill Clinton
During a speech in South Carolina, a 5-year-old girl asked Bill Clinton: “What do you when you get married.” The former president paused for a second and said “Ask me that question in 20 years and I can show you.”

During a speech in South Carolina, a 5-year-old girl asked Bill Clinton: “What do you when you get married.” Bill answered that it is not a matter of “what” but rather “who” you do.

Kucinich
Presidential candidate Denis Kucinich dropped from the presidential race Thursday. According to his campaign staff, he was frustrated as his message was not resonating in the media because it seems the media do not care about the little people.

Presidential candidate Denis Kucinich dropped from the presidential race Thursday. Political analysts agreed he was too short... on funds.

Campaign
Dean Hrbacek, a Republican candidate for Congressional District 22 in Houston, Texas, admitted using his head on someone else's body in a campaign flyer. That is not exclusive of the Republican Party, some people believe Hillary is using her head shot and the legs of NFL defensive tackle.

Republican strategist Karl Rove has been heard talking about the latest scuffle between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Apparently, Rove feels obligated to participate in any war that breaks out there.

Iraq
Iraqi lawmakers are clashing over the nation's 2008 budget. They are not sure if 100% goes to Halliburton or if 100% goes to Halliburton.

January 24th 2008

Hi there, I'm still fighting this never-ending cold, I feel more useless than an ashtray in a motorcycle. Fortunately today Newsday posted one of my jokes and that definetely made me feel better. Thanks to Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing of my jokes, always an honor. Here's the link:

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun245549231jan24,0,5148546.story

Mars
British newspapers showed their readers a NASA image from Mars Wednesday, and pointed out a detail that looks like the silhouette of a walking humanoid. The image is not clear but there’s evidence this creature was complaining for the non inclusion of Kucinich in the NBC presidential debate.

John McCain
During a speech yesterday Republican presidential candidate John McCain made a mistake and said that Putin was the German president. President Bush felt embarrassed and on behalf of his party decided to apologize to Putin sending him a bouquet of flowers to Italy.

Giuiliani
Rudy Guliani is selling his 1966 Corvair to help raise more campaign funds. According to Giuliani the car is a guzzler, it only does 9 to 11 miles a gallon.

Rudy Guliani is selling his 1966 Corvair to help raise more campaign funds. Apparently he wants to get rid of the car because if the backseat of the car starts talking he’ll get into a lot of trouble.

Rice
Condoleeza Rice is offering Iran normal ties if they drop their nuclear plans. Rice knows that Ahmadinejad would do anything to update his wardrobe.

Terrorism
North Korea has met the legal criteria to be removed from the U.S. terrorism list. Apparently, there were no signs of oil there.

John Edwards
Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards continues struggling to make his message to the middle class be heard. Maybe if he realized there’s no middle class left in America.

Leash
A Goth couple got kicked off a bush in England because the guy was holding the girl on a leash. The bus driver said there was nothing personal; it’s just that the guy was not carrying doo-doo bags with him.

January 23rd 2008

Hi there, I'm battling a severe cold, so I will try to have more jokes tomorrow. If I candidate tells e during a debate any home remedy to cure the flue, they would win my vote.. believme.

Lies
US President George W. Bush and his top officials ran roughshod over the truth in the run-up to the Iraq war lying a total of 935 times, a study released Wednesday found. The president said he's working hard so in the next 20 minutes he can reach the 1000 lies and throw a party.

US President George W. Bush and his top officials ran roughshod over the truth in the run-up to the Iraq war lying a total of 935 times, a study released Wednesday found. I don't think Giuliani looked smart when he said Bush only lied 911........ times.

John Edwards
Political analysts believe John Edwards has not dropped from the presidential race because he’s betting on his chance to become a king maker. If he continues doing so bad the only king he’ll make are burger kings.

After the South Carolina debate, presidential candidate John Edwards told the press he is tired of being ignored by the media. Apparently his plan to get media attention in the next debate is not to wear any underwear.

During the last Democratic presidential debate, Edwards remained aside of the bloodbath between Hillary and Obama. He can’t forget his profession as a trial lawyer; he was waiting to see who got hurt to represent them in a future trial.

Debate
The feisty Monday's Democratic debate on CNN was the most-watched debate ever in cable news. Apparently people thought they were seeing another episode of “American Gladiator.”

Thompson
Fred Thompson dropped from the presidential race yesterday. What a dumb move, now he can’t even play president on a TV movie because writers are on strike.

January 22nd 2008

Oscar
The Oscar nominations were announced today by A the cademy . For best actresses some of the nominees were: Marion Cotillard for "La Vie En Rose," Cate Blanchett for "Elizabeth: The Golden Age," and Hillary Clinton for her crying skills before the New Hampshire caucus.

Bill Clinton
During a service to honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr in Harlem, Bill Clinton was caught nodding off. He claimed later that like MLK he was also having a dream, but his involved, thongs, cigars and chubby interns.

Zoo
The LA Zoo presented yesterday its newest attraction: a blind harbor seal named Alfred. After what happened in San Francisco, shouldn’t it be safer if the tiger was the blind one?

Candidates
Dean Hrbacek, a Republican candidate for Congressional District 22 in Houston, Texas, admitted using his head on someone else's body in a campaign flyer. This is not new among Republicans candidates, most of them have been trying to pass pictures of their bodies with Ronald Reagan’s face for a long time.

Lohan
Lindsay Lohan has had a slight skirt malfunction and paparazzies took pictures of her backside in provocative underwear. Apparently, wearing underwear is part of her 12-steps recovery program…

One Year
On January 20th George W. Bush was exactly one year away from completing his presidency. When asked about it, Bush said he had enough time to warm up and now he was ready to govern.

January 21st 2008

MVP
The NBA is blessed this year with so much talent that is hard to decide who is going to be the MVP with so many deserving candidates… unlike the 2008 presidential elections.

Economy
President Bush gave a speech Friday about an economic stimulus package to revitalize the economy ruined by the mortgage crises. The solution: Mortgage the country.

Hillary
Political analysts believe the Latino vote helped Hillary win the Nevada caucuses Saturday. Apparently Latinos thought Hillary is going to do much more to help their families come to America, as they can smuggle so many of them in Hillary’s trunk.

Cold
Researchers in Europe reported on Monday that a nasal spray made from Atlantic Ocean seawater eased wintertime cold symptoms faster. Thanks, we just gave Dick Cheney another excuse for waterbording.

Cell phones
A joint project between some Swedish and U.S. researchers has determined that using your cell phone right before bed can have a negative effect on your sleep. Especially if the last call you get is from your wife asking whose pair of panties where those she just found in your car

Spiderman
Spiderman alter-ego Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson have split after 21 years of marriage in the pages of the latest Marvel comic. Apparently she was tired of his web of lies.

Inflation
Inflation is at its highest rate in 17 years. Inflation has grown so much congress wants to check it for steroids.

Conan
TV talk-show host Conan O'Brien has bought a Los Angeles home valued at just under $10.5 million in preparation for his move from New York to take over the reins of NBC's "The Tonight Show". He was hesitant at first, but what pushed him to make the purchase was Leno’s latest monologue without the writers.

Drive Thru
A 75-year-old woman was handcuffed and arrested at a Clearwater McDonald's drive-thru, because police say she wouldn't pull her car forward. She was lucky though, if the impatient fatsos waiting in line for their orders caught her, they would have executed her.

January 18th 2008

Friday Leftovers . Have you all a great weekend

Hillary
Hillary Clinton said this week that she'll hold a contest to pick a name to call her husband if she's elected president. Finally something Republicans are eager to vote for in 2008.

In a recent survey 1 percent of Republicans said they would be “Excited” if Hillary wins the presidential elections. 1% of Republicans would be excited… that’s still more than the percentage of Democrats that would get excited with the news.

Hillary Rodham Clinton continues in her campaign to attract the black vote. If you saw her in the last Nevada debate, you’ve probably noticed that her new strategy seems to be “growing a bigger a butt.”

Flu
New research shows that flu germs can be transmitted via paper money. Fortunately for everybody, we have an administration that is doing anything they can to fight the flu by spreading poverty.

Marriage
According to a new survey in England 3 out of 5 wives are only staying in their marriages to afford to live. The other 2 are only staying to win an election.

Delay
Boeing Co.'s announced Wednesday yet another delay in its 787 Dreamliner program. That cannot be a good omen… If the plane is delayed before being delivered, can you imagine when it is in the hands of any of the airlines?

Kids
According to a recent survey, 100% of kids say that they are scared of clowns. No wonder you hardly ever find any kid that is eager to visit congress.

According to a recent survey, 100% of kids in England say that they are scared of clowns. Also with 100 % : kids afraid of politicians in campaing kissing them, British food, and dentists.

January 17th 2008

Hi everybody, I just want to share the good news. Newsday published one of my jokes. Thanks Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes, it makes me very proud to se my name up there with true comedians like Leno, Maher and others. Thanks a lot. Here's the link
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun175540354jan17,0,4165507.story

Democratic Candidates
Democratic candidates are now courting the black vote in South Carolina. Hillary and Obama have scheduled speeches at various churches, and Edwards went to his hairdresser and asked for cornrows.

OJ
O.J Simpson’s bail was doubled yesterday to $250,000 or in O.J’s currency: The Jacket he wore at the murder trial, the tires of the truck he drove to run away, and 25 autographed balls.

Britney
Hollywood insiders say that the paparazzo Britney is going out with sees Britney as an ATM machine… Same shape.

Middle East
During his visit to the Middle East, President Bush performed a traditional sword fighting dance with a prince of the royal family. When Larry Craig heard about a sword dance, he immediately begged his friends in the White House for an Ambassador position in the Middle East.

Dogs
Scientists at the Eötvös Loránd University in Hungary have developed a computer that can "translate" dog barks. Fortunately for Michael Vick he has already been sentenced.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton impersonated a flight attendant on Wednesday as her new campaign plane made its first voyage with journalists, staff and the candidate herself on board. Still nobody beats Obama when it comes to getting high.

Hillary Clinton impersonated a flight attendant on Wednesday as her new campaign plane made its first flight. When she gave passengers the safety procedures, all the exits were on the left.

Eddy Murphy
Just two weeks after having a non-binding wedding ceremony overseas, Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend have broken up. According to Murphy’s wife, he behaved like an ass all the time.

Mitt Romney
During his campaign in South Carolina, Mitt Romney said he’s got a plan to revive the textile industry. It is a pretty simple plan: set air conditionings on 30 degrees so that everybody will have to wear sweaters.

January 16th 2008

Michigan election
Mitt Romney won the Republican primary in Michigan even though most polls had given Senator John McCain the lead. McCain’s wife is infuriated because she now suspects her husband could be dating Jessica Simpson.

Bill Clinton
In the middle of a speech by Bill Clinton’s, a woman that was on stage behind him got weak in the knees and fainted. It’s quite strange because most women around Bill Clinton happen to be quite strong in the knees.

Rambo
Sylvester Stallone is returning to the big screen with a fourth installment of "Rambo. Things are a little bit different in the new movie: in Rambo I he had a big wound and sowed it himself; in Rambo IV he knits a sweater.

Paul McCartney
Singer Paul McCartney announced Tuesday he will stage an exhibition of his first wife Linda's photographs. If he really wants to attract a huge audience, he should do an exhibition with Heather Mill’s photographs; especially those in which she is naked.

Birth Rate
The United States seems to be experiencing a baby boomlet, reporting the largest number of children born in 45 years. Researchers believe that number of births could increase even more considering that writers are on strike and all the TV shows are crap.

The United States seems to be experiencing a baby boomlet, reporting the largest number of children born in 45 years. Researchers believe the numbers of births will continue to grow as long as the U. S. imports the condoms from China.

Lies
According to a new survey in England, the average person tells four lies every day, unless of course you are a presidential candidate on campaign, then the four lies occur every minute.

Fire
According to a new survey, in a disaster, 39% of men say they'd grab financial documents before they evacuated their house. The other 51% percent throw their financial documents on purpose to get rid of the evidence because they work in the White House.

January 15th 2008

Terrell Owens
Terrell Owens cried at the press conference after Dallas lost the game to the Giants in the NFL playoffs. Hasn’t he learned anything from Hillary? You’re supposed to cry BEFORE the competition if you want to win.

Auto Industry
During their campaign in Michigan, Mitt Romney and John McCain made passionate speeches in front of auto workers, and promised them to revive their industry. Then, both candidates left the premises and drove away in their brand new Toyotas.

Hillary Vs Obama
Hillary Clinton has made clear that Obama’s accusation of racism is totally unfounded. She then told the press that if you have any question you can ask her new spokesperson: “The Dog Bounty Hunter.”

After staying on the sidelines in the first year of the campaign, race and gender have burst into the forefront of the Democratic presidential contest; an issue Republican candidates won’t have among them.

Flowers
An internet site, deLaFlowers.com, shared with their customers what message you send with the amount of roses you buy for your couple on Saint Valentine’s: DOZEN ROSES: Gratitude; 25 ROSES: Congratulations; and 50 ROSES: I promise won’t cheat anymore.

Anniversary
This January 17th is the tenth year anniversary of the Lewinsky scandal. If there’s a party and a cake, we know already who’s gonna be blowing the candles.

Weapons
The Bush administration plans to sell $123 million worth of sophisticated precision-guided bomb technology to Saudi Arabia. Cheney was extremely happy, not only because the U. S makes tons of money with the sell, but also because Saudis will pay the purchase by increasing the price of oil.

New Governor
Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, the son of Indian immigrants, was sworn in on Monday as the governor of Louisiana. He received tons of congratulatory phone calls and a couple of tech support questions.

January 14th 2008

Iranian Video
Iran on Thursday aired its own video of an incident in the Strait of Hormuz with US warships. The video shows a slightly different version to the one released by the Pentagon. Unfortunately for the U.S., their version is more believable because their writers are not on strike.

Hillary Vs Obama
Obama is proposing a $75 Billion Economic Stimulus Plan. It makes sense, said Hillary; nobody knows more about stimulants than Obama.

Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton suggested Sunday that Barack Obama's campaign had injected race into the presidential contest. Hillary added, “How you could do that to a woman? Typical of men...”

Good Life
A study in the UK says that a good diet, avoiding smoking, drinking moderately and exercising can add 14 years to life expectancy. Unfortunately, those will be the most boring 14 years of your life.

Vegas
The Bellagio casino ballroom will be the scenario for the Democratic primaries in Las Vegas. This time pollsters will be very careful; they won’t make the same mistake and bet all on black.

Cheap car
India's Tata Motors on Thursday unveiled its much anticipated $2,500 car. There’s a catch 22 though: the car only does 1 mile a gallon.

Meth
A Canadian woman who suffered an overdose sued her meth dealer for $50,000 and won. Sadly, the money only lasted a couple of days.

Heart
U.S. researchers said they have coaxed hearts from dead rats to beat again in the laboratory. They said they are now ready to work on Cheney’s heart.

U.S. researchers said they have coaxed hearts from dead rats to beat again in the laboratory. Apparently more and more rats are suffering from heart attacks as a result of eating so often at Taco Bell and KFC.

January 13th 2007

Some Sunday's Jokes

Nicole Richie
Nicole Richie gave birth to a baby girl. She weighed 6 lbs. 7 oz. not the baby but Nicole Richie after the delivery.

Snow
Light snow fell in Baghdad early on Friday in what weather officials said was the first time in about a 100 years. Everybody in Iraq was joyous and celebrating, especially Halliburton executives who already scored a huge contract for plowing the snow.

Light snow fell in Baghdad early on Friday in what weather officials said was the first time in about a 100 years. It was part of Bush’s policy in Iraq: exporting Democracy and global warming.

People in Baghdad played peacefully on the streets early Friday when a light snow fell in most parts of Iraq, in what weather officials said was the first time in about a 100 years. It was also the first time in a hundred years that people in Iraq played peacefully on the streets.

Debates
NBC disinvited Kucinich from the upcoming Nevada debate , after having issued him an invitation on last Wednesday. When the information was announced, analysts immediately predicted a huge drop in the ratings among the male audience who only see the Democratic
Debates to see the camera shots of Kucinich’s wife

NBC disinvited Kucinich from the upcoming Nevada debate, after having issued him an invitation on last Wednesday. Apparently is part of NBC new rule “you must be this tall” to be part in debates.

January 11th 2008

Friday Leftovers! Have a great weekend.
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign announced on Thursday the formulation of a Catastrophe Advisory Committee. The Catastrophe Advisory Committee will deal with natural disasters, terrorist attacks and Giuliani’s disastrous performances in Iowa and New Hampshire.

Kerry
Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry, announced his endorsement of Illinois Sen. Barack Obama for president Thursday. During a speech, Obama said he hopes this is another of Kerry’s infamous botched jokes.

Ozzy
Ozzy Osbourne just got his first cell phone. Don’t be fooled, it is not that he constantly has a bad signal, he just speaks like that.

Bill Richardson
After announcing he is dropping from the presidential race, Bill Richardson said that Hillary has called him several times. Apparently, Hillary was looking for someone to iron her shirts.

Britney
Somebody started a rumor yesterday that there was a 30-minute tape featuring Britney with her head shaved having sex with two women and a man. Unfortunately the bold person in the video was not Britney, but the guy from “The Shield.”

Dennis Kucinich
Democrat Dennis Kucinich, who won less than 2 percent of the vote in the New Hampshire primary, said Thursday he wants a recount to ensure that all ballots in his party's contest were counted. Apparently Kucinich could not believe so many people voted for him.

January 10th 2008

Elections
After the Iowa and New Hampshire election, most of the candidates started using the word change as a slogan to capture the heart of the voters. People love change, specially a change of channels every time they see a presidential candidate on TV.

Bill Richardson
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race. Richardson planned to announce the decision Thursday and also tell the other presidential candidates which Home Depot he’ll be at in case they want to pick him up as a candidate for vice president.

Car
A woman sold her son’s car after finding alcohol in the car, and decided to share her 19-year-old's misdeed with everyone by placing an ad in the local newspaper. It immediately gave Britney’s sons a great idea.

Union
The Culinary Workers Union in Nevada, the union representing hotel, restaurant and laundry workers in Nevada's casino industry, decided to support Obama instead of Hillary. It is not a big deal for Hillary, said one of her staffers, the only problem is to find somebody in Nevada that would iron her shirt.

The Culinary Workers Union in Nevada, the union representing hotel, restaurant and laundry workers in Nevada's casino industry, decided to support Obama instead of Hillary. Fortunately for Hillary, only 2 of those workers are legally in the country and can vote.

Brothel
A man in Poland goes to a brothel and gets the shock of his life when he bumps into his wife who was working there. What’s even worse, when he offered her money she said she had a headache.

A man in Poland goes to a brothel and gets the shock of his life when he bumps into his wife who was working there. The guy was pissed. Think of all the money he could have saved if he didn’t marry her and just visited the brothel once a day to have sex with her.

Ridiculous
A Hurricane Katrina’s victim is suing the Federal Government for the ridiculous sum of $3 quadrillion. The Government lawyers said they are not concerned by the sum, but rather the fact that he asked to be paid in one of those gigantic prize checks.

January 9th 2007

New Hampshire

You know what people call Mitt Romney after the Iowa and New Hampshire elections? Premature ejaculator: He always finishes in seconds.

After Hillary’s surprising victory in New Hampshire all flashes were on her, not the camera flashes, but the hot flashes.

After losing to Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire, Obama promised the media certain adjustments to his campaign to be ready for South Carolina. Political strategists had a hint when they heard an Obama staffer calling Costco to ask for a huge order of Kleenex.

On her speech, after the incredible victory in New Hampshire, Hillary Clinton said she finally found her voice. Hopefully, that means she won’t continue trying stupid accents.

After Hillary’s victory in New Hampshire, political analysts finally understood what the famous “Change” message Hillary harpooned on before the election meant. She changed from a cold, calculated robot, to a whiny, middle aged lady.

Bush
President Bush is leaving on an 8-day trip to the conflicting and dangerous Middle East, just days after the Pakistani leader Bhuto was assassinated. Bush explained the trip is a vacation package that was given to him by the Republican presidential candidates as a Christmas present.

Thousands of Israeli police will protect President Bush on his visit to Israel. Security will be very tight around Bush; nobody ever knows when you can have an unexpected visit from Bill O’ Reilly.

Eminem
According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs. Apparently, the rapper stopped sampling music and started sampling all sort of foods.

According to TMZ, rapper Eminem now weighs more than 200 Lbs. Apparently, he is not only happy with being called Eminem, he now wants to look like the M&M candy characters.

Golden Globes
This year's Golden Globes ceremony has been cancelled, organizers said Monday. How inconsiderate! What are the guys from the show Cavemen going to do with their victory thank you speech?

January 8th 2007

Still without PC at home, hofully today I'll get one and have more jokes. Thanks. Pedro

Hillary
During an emotional speech Monday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cried and her voice broke repeatedly as she talked with voters in a restaurant about her campaign for the presidency. When asked later if she cried due to the campaign pressure, she sobbed again and said “Please leave Britney alone…”

During an emotional speech Monday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cried and her voice broke repeatedly as she talked with voters in a restaurant about her campaign for the presidency. Political analysts started to speculate the reason of the emotional breakdown: too much pressure, nerves; but Bill gave the real reason: Menopause.

During an emotional speech Monday, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton cried and her voice broke repeatedly as she talked with voters in a restaurant about her campaign for the presidency. Hillary’s campaign staffers said things will get better when help arrives. Apparently Dr. Phil is on his way.

Vacation
A Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed because he didn't want to go back to school after Christmas. Apparently the little kid copied the idea from President Bush who glued his hand to his bed because he didn’t want to finish his holiday vacation at his Crawford Ranch and go back to the White House.

A Mexican boy glued his hand to his bed because he didn't want to go back to school after Christmas. This is not a new idea, as Kevin Federline has glued himself to a couch since he married Britney.

Driverless Car
General Motors Corp. (GM) plans to test driverless car technology by 2015 and have cars on the road around 2018, media reported Monday. The project is doomed as no media will support a car that will save celebrities from future scandals.

Cuckold
A Mississippi businessman must pay more than 750,000 dollars in damages to the man whose wife he wooed away, after the US Supreme Court on Monday declined to hear an appeal in the case. Mississippi is the only state where you pay if you steal a wife; in the rest of the country husbands pay you to do that.

Wise Men
Children on every part of the planet waited Sunday for the arrival of the 3 wise men: Caspar, Melchior and Balthasar. Unfortunately, Balthasar didn’t show up as he was still drunk after celebrating Obama’s victory in Iowa.

January 7th 2007

I'm back from Argentina, kind of rusty and with no computer. Anyhow, it is nice to start writing again. Check daily. Please e-mail me with comments or suggestions at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Comedy
Dane Cook performed stand-up comedy for seven straight hours, breaking the record set by Dave Chappelle. Unfortunately for Cook, the record for longest uninterrupted comedy belongs to MSNBC and Chris Mathews reporting and analyzing the results of the Iowa Caucus.

Pat Robertson
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson read his predictions on TV and said that 2008 will be a year of violence. He later admitted a mistake and said he was reading Dick Cheney’s 2008 resolutions.

Change
After the results in Iowa, almost every candidate is said be the candidate for change. Hopefully, they are not referring to how big salaries are going to be if they get elected.

Hillary Clinton is telling everybody out there that she was always the candidate for change. If she could, she would have changed Bill long time ago.

Buffet
Two people claim that a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet in Louisiana banned them for eating too much. The owner claims the complaint came from the dogs in the neighborhood which noticed the lack of cats to chase every time these 2 visited the buffet.

Jobs
According to an online recruiting company called Jobsite, January 7th is the biggest job hunting day of the year. It’s the day all presidential candidates that sucked in Iowa and are doing poorly in the New Hampshire’s polls look for another job.

It is reported that actor Viggo Mortensen was ticked off by the exclusion of Dennis Kucinich from Saturday’s debates. Mortensen told Kucinich not to worry and promised him the part of Gollum in the next “Lord of the Rings” movie.

TV
Japanese electronics maker Sharp Corp will begin selling a 108-inch LCD television later this year. Perfect timing, as the screen will fit all the presidential candidates in one shot with their double faces.

U.S. TV broadcasters will be ready to start transmitting signals for portable electronics like cell phones next year. It’ll be great, as you are going to be able to see the report of your own car crash in your cell phone.