February 29th 2008

Friday Leftovers. Hey drop a line for comments or any other reason at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend.

McCain
Some people are questioning the legality of McCain’s candidacy because he was born in the Panama Canal. Fortunately for McCain, when he was born, the continent had not been divided into countries yet...

Prince
The British military decided Friday to pull Prince Harry "immediately" out of Afghanistan after news of his deployment leaked out in to the media. Apparently, the one that leaked the news to the media was the very own prince.

The British military decided Friday to pull Prince Harry "immediately" out of Afghanistan after news of his deployment leaked to the media. Next time, if he wants to remain anonymous, the Prince should change his name to the “Sign.”

Obama
Barack Obama told Ellen DeGeneres that his poll percentages started to skyrocket after he danced on the comedienne’s show. Apparently, white America felt safe to vote for someone that dances like them.

Nader
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader selected Matt Gonzalez, a former member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, to be his running mate. That will increase his vote number 100% percent, to 2 votes.

Italy
The Italian court ruled Tuesday that touching your crotch in public is considered indecent and a finable offense. No wonder Baseball never caught up in Italy…

The Italian court ruled Tuesday that touching your crotch in public is considered against public decency and it is a finable offense. Don’t expect to see Michael Jackson performing in Italy this year.

The Italian court ruled Tuesday that touching your crotch in public is considered against public decency and it is a finable offense. “That’s why I touch somebody else’s,” said Larry Craig.

Prison
According to a new report, for the first time in U.S. history, one out of every 100 adults is in jail or prison, the other 99 are not American Idol contestants.

According to a new report, the U.S. ranks as the world's No. 1 incarcerator, with over 2.3 million people in U.S. prisons or jails at the beginning of 2008. Fortunately, that number will drastically decline when Bush pardons all his friends before leaving office.

February 28th 2008

Elections
According to a research, a big number of Americans are still reluctant to vote for minorities, which is bad news for blacks, women and Republicans.

Cheerleaders
The Florida Marlins have announced they will form an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. Apparently, they are recruiting from the players of the Miami Dolphins team.

Economy
Experts are saying the U.S. economy slowed to a near crawl... and you know what happens when you get in all four.....

Earthquake
There was a 5.2 earthquake in Britain yesterday. Amy Winehouse’s arms ended up with more holes than Swiss cheese.

NaderRalph
Nader celebrated his 74th birthday Thursday. To celebrate, he threw out two parties: a birthday party, and the Democratic Party out of the presidential race.

Obesity
Experts say that obesity kills more people than terrorism does. Apparently, terrorists are not loading their cars with bombs anymore, but with bonbons.

Scientists say that fast food ads are fueling obesity among Hispanic kids. And then they say Latinos do not want to assimilate to America.

Myspace
On Monday, the city of Arlington, Oregon voted 142 to 139 to fire its mayor for posting pictures of herself in underwear on myspace. Clearly, those 142 people that voted against her were the ones she rejected as myspace friends

February 27th 2008

Bill Richardson
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson said he would decide this week which of the Democratic candidates he will endorse. Political analysts believe he’ll endorse Hillary Clinton, because we all know Mexicans do the jobs Americans do not want to do.

Florida Blackout
A massive blackout struck Florida on Tuesday, knocking out power to millions of people: A nice way to make new Cubans feel at home.

A massive blackout struck Florida on Tuesday, knocking out power to millions of people. That is not the first time Florida left people without power; ask Al Gore…

Oscars
Several people complained that the academy awards made huge omissions when they showed the “Memoriam montage” in the last ceremony. Apparently, they forgot to include Brad Renfro, Roy Scheider, and Hillary’s campaign.

Hillary
Sarah Silverman’s video “I’m ‘effing’ Matt Damon,” which was an internet sensation, has inspired tons of rip-offs. The latest one circulating on the web is called “I’m ‘effing’ Hillary’s campaign” and it’s done by Bill Clinton.

After struggling for months to dent Sen. Barack Obama's candidacy, the campaign of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is throwing everything but the kitchen sink to Obama. Apparently they cannot throw the kitchen sink because that’s where Bill has chained Hillary.

McCain
According to a Zogby Poll, Americans chose Denzel Washington to impersonate Obama in a movie, Martha Stewart to impersonate Hillary, and the Crypt Keeper to impersonate McCain.

Mike Huckabee is said to be very frustrated, because McCain is refusing to give him the chance to debate again. According to the McCain’s campaign, they are actually being considerate because they know how hard Huckabee fought to lose weight and cameras usually add 10 lbs or more.

Hugo Chavez
President Hugo Chavez' government is urging companies to avoid English-language business and tech terms. A clear sign he wants to start doing business with California.

LA Mayor
Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa on Tuesday signed one of the nation's toughest laws on pet sterilization, requiring most dogs and cats to be spayed or neutered by the time they are 4 months old. Some people in LA think he should start with himself.

Madonna
Madonna has finally announced a name and release date for her upcoming album. It'll be called "Hard Candy" and like her latest albums it’ll be hard to swallow.

February 26th 2008

Obama
Barack Obama has accused Hillary Clinton of using "shameful" smear tactics after a picture of him wearing tribal robes and headgear in Somalia was circulated on the internet. Obama’s campaign is expected to retaliate by circulating pictures of Hillary wearing a skirt.

Conservatives on the Internet and in the media are questioning Barack Obama’s patriotism for not putting his hand over his heart during the National Anthem like other candidates do. Truth is, McCain is forced to put his hand over his heart all the time to check if it is still beating.

President’s hair
Four strands reportedly clipped from George Washington’s hair were sold at auction Friday night for $17,000 dollars. Other presidents have donated their hair, except for former president Bill Clinton, who is afraid they are going to use his hair to collect DNA samples.

Oscars
Oscar winner Tilda Swinton chose to attend the Oscar ceremony with her younger lover, while her husband, 68-year-old John Byrne, stayed at home in Scotland. People in Hollywood were outraged, because it is so inconsiderate to leave your husband alone, you should bring your lover, your husband, and his mistress as well.

This year's Oscars were the least-watched in its 80-year history. Apparently, it was not a novelty to see all the Hollywood celebrities together anymore, especially when they have shown up at every Democratic debate lately.

Memory
Brad Williams, a radio anchor in La Crosse, is being studied by doctors because of his amazing memory that lets him recall the most trifling dates and details about his life. Unfortunately, that incredible talent will prevent him from ever getting a job in public office.

Environment
The League of Conservation Voters gave Hillary Clinton a slight edge over Barack Obama in their environmental ratings. Apparently, Obama blew it because he spends tons of paper in the Xerox machine.

Young mother
A 17-year-old girl in Argentina already has seven kids. Apparently, she started working in Zoey 101 at the age of five.

Electron
Scientists had to rely on more indirect methods to photograph an electron in motion for the first time because of their extreme speediness. Apparently, they had to get the photographers on crack.

Parrots
Veterinarians in England have taken the animal pharmaceutical market to a whole new level by prescribing Prozac for parrots. The suggestion came from owners who were tired of the parrots ratting on them.

Veterinarians in England have taken the animal pharmaceutical market to a whole new level by prescribing Prozac for parrots. Wouldn’t you be depressed if you had to repeat the same words over and over again?

February 25th 2008

New York Times
Experts believe there’s new hope in the Middle East to finally solve the Palestine-Israel conflict. They will assign the responsibility to The New York Times, because if they were able to unite the Republican Party with one stupid article about McCain, they can definitely bring peace to that region.

Ralph Nader
Ralph Nader said Sunday he will run for president as a third-party candidate. In a written statement Hillary and Obama asked Nader to reconsider because they don’t need any help to screw this election.

Ralph Nader said Sunday he will run for president as a third-party candidate. Ralph Nader is like the Soccer World Cup: he shows up every four years and Americans couldn’t care less.

Cuba
Cuba's Parliament named Raul Castro president on Sunday. During his first speech Raul said that he’s looking forward to leading Cuba to the 20th Century.

Jobs
According to Money Magazine the most promising jobs in America are: Software Engineer, Financial advisor, and Superdelegate.

Oscars
Last night the Oscars celebrated its 80th birthday. With all the Botox and plastic surgeries, the statue still looks like 50.

Intelligence
U.S. spy agencies have missed intelligence in the days since terrorism surveillance legislation expired, the Bush administration said on Friday. Fortunately, in the Bush administration there was not much to lose.

Gas
The average price for a gallon of gasoline in the United States rose in the last two weeks. Gas is so expensive now that:

· Celebrities latest fashion accessories at the red carpet were leg bands to clasp pants or dresses to the legs so they wouldn’t get caught in their bicycle chains.

· Hillary and Obama had to carpool to the last Texas debate.

· McCain is now having an affair with an oil lobbyist.

· Oscar winners were forced to sell their statutes so they could fill the tank of their limos to go back.

· The most talked-about perfume at the Red Carpet was Oil Channel 5.

McCain
During a press conference, Senator John Mccain addressed the controversy created by The New York Times about an alleged affair with a younger woman. McCain told reporters that "He did not have sexual relationships with that woman." Unfortunately for him, everybody believed it.

Newspapers reported this week that Senator John Mccain loves animals so much that he owns 4 dogs, a cat, a parakeet and a shoal of fish, and once owned a ferret and an iguana named Henry. Apparently, those are the only animals remaining from when he was the captain of the Noah Arch.

Newspapers reported this week that Senator John Mccain loves animals so much he owns 4 dogs. Actually, those dogs belong to his staffers and they are trained to protect McCain from female lobbyists
More women now claimed they also had affairs with Senator John McCain. The latest: the entire cast of “The Golden Girls.”

Presumptive Republican nominee John McCain Friday said he hoped Fidel Castro's resignation would be followed by his speedy demise and Castro had the opportunity to meet Karl Marx very soon. Apparently, McCain knew Karl Marx very well; when they were kids they used to play hide and seek together.

February 22nd 2008

Friday leftovers. Hey if you feel like saying Hi or sending comments and suggestions please e-mail me at :Have a nice weekend
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Obama
According to a popular website for families, parents are starting to name their kids Barack after the recent popularity of the Democratic Candidate. The website suggests that if Barack Obama doesn’t win, you can always do what the Patriot’s did with their merchandise, and send your kids to Nicaragua.

After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton…

McCain
About a year from now, the American TV transition to digital broadcasting from analog broadcasting will be complete. Apparently, the Bush administration delayed the change to right after the election, because with High Def people might realize that McCain is actually already a corpse.

After The New York Times broke the scandal of John McCain’s possible romantic affair with a lobbyist, his wife, Cindy, said she’ll always be standing by her man. Of course, she knows that standing next to McCain makes her look younger than Miley Cyrus.

Satellite
The Pentagon was forced to send a press release after a missile hit the fuel tank of a defunct U.S. spy satellite. Apparently, they had to clarify that the fuel burned out completely in the space, not because people were afraid of it, but rather because lots of people were waiting on the ground with buckets to see if they could get some fuel to use in their cars.

Hillary
According to a recent study on campaign expenditure, since 2008, Hillary Clinton’s campaign spent $1,300 at Dunkin' Donuts. Apparently, it was actually Bill that used all the money buying doughnuts to bribe the security that protects him so he could have some nightly escapades without Hillary knowing about it.

According to a recent study on campaign expenditure, Hillary Clinton has spent $ 33 million in campaign consultants. Now we know why she is holding a meeting with John Edwards, not to offer him any position, just to hire him to sue her consultants for crashing her campaign.

February 21st 2008

Good day to you all and good day to me because Newsday and Mr. Rasak chose one of my jokes to publish. Thanks to Mr. Rasak and Newsday it definitely made my day. Check it here:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun215585339feb21,0,3706745.story

Satellite
A missile fired from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean hit an out-of-control spy satellite falling toward Earth last night, Pentagon officials said. Apparently, it took two attempts; the first one hit another out of control-falling object: Hillary’s campaign.

A missile fired from a Navy cruiser in the Pacific Ocean hit an out-of-control spy satellite falling toward Earth last night, Pentagon officials said. Americans were immediately out of danger and Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, immediately out of the bomb shelter.

McCain
The "New York Times" reported that senator John McCain may have had an adulterous relationship with a lobbyist eight years ago. He immediately got two major endorsements: Viagra and the Democratic Party.

The "New York Times" reported that Senator John McCain may have had an adulterous relationship with a lobbyist eight years ago and that his staffers intervened to protect the senator. Apparently they didn’t want McCain to break his hip.

The "New York Times" reported that senator John McCain may have had an adulterous relationship with a lobbyist eight years ago. Immediately after hearing the news, Huckabee thanked God for the miracle.

SNL
SNL is said to be hosting auditions to find someone that would impersonate Barack Obama. Apparently, the person holding the lead so far is Massachusetts Governor, Deval Patrick.

Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter suffered a serious embarrassment over the weekend when her credit card was declined in Palm Beach in the 10 Items or Less line at the local Publix. Apparently she didn’t have any cash so she had to return a box of “Just for Men,” Old Spice and a vile of Prostatol.

Romney
Before withdrawing from the presidential sweepstakes, Mitt Romney put in at least $42.3 million of his own money. He spent most of the money in hair gel and tanning beds.

Music
A neuroscientist at Helsinki University said that music can speed recovery from debilitating strokes. Just place the CD player blasting Britney’s latest album and see how the patient starts running towards it to turn it off.

Happiness
A new phone survey finds that most Americans feel optimistic about the future. Think about it, who still has a landline and gets polled? Those who have not much time to live…

February 20th 2008

Castro
Cuban leader Fidel Castro resigned after battling with the bad result of an intestinal surgery. Isn’t it ironic that Castro survived as a leader despite the efforts of 10 U.S. presidents to bring him down, but he couldn’t survive the beans, rum and lack of toilet paper?

Lobbyists
Charmaine Marchand, a representative from Louisiana, is against spending limits on meals from lobbyists because she doesn’t want to end up eating Taco Bell. Apparently, during the meal she wants to discuss passing bills, not passing gas.

The Louisiana House of Representatives debated Monday a bill which would limit the amount of money lobbyists can spend to wine and dine lawmakers and other elected officials to $50 a meal. Apparently McDonald, Taco Bell, and Jack in the Box lobbied to pass that bill.

Jail
New York City has changed the prison menu and is now feeding the inmates with healthy meals including vegetables and fruits. The Department of Corrections believes this healthy choice will cost the city less in the long run because inmates will do anything they can to avoid jail time.

New York City has changed the prison menu and is now feeding the inmates with healthy meals including vegetables and fruits. Is it a good idea to keep the inmates lean a healthy? How are the fat cops going to catch them again when they get released?

Michelle Obama
Michelle Obama told a crowd in Wisconsin Monday that people across America are hungry for change; mostly in California where people want a change in their faces, stomachs and breasts.

Bounty Hunter
A so-called "official" from A&E has confirmed that production on "Dog the Bounty Hunter" has resumed in Hawaii. Apparently, he needed his racist writers back.

Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy's ex-wife says Michael Strahan has what she wants in a man. Meanwhile, Eddie Murphy said Michael Strahan has what he wants in a woman.

President’s Day
Monday, America celebrated President’s day. Apparently, to get more into the spirit of this holiday Bush said that for President’s sale day, he is selling the country to China.

Airbus
Airbus may convert one of its largest passenger planes into a flying casino. Apparently the plane will include roulette, cards and betting on which remote area your bags are going to end up.

February 19th 2008

Obama
Top advisers to Hillary Rodham Clinton accused Democratic rival Barack Obama of plagiarism Monday after Obama used lines from an address given last year by his friend, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick. Senator Obama apologized and said it won’t happen again because he fired his speech writer, Carlos Mencía.

Top advisers to Hillary Rodham Clinton accused Democratic rival Barack Obama of plagiarism Monday after Obama used lines from an address given last year by his friend, Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick. Obama said he would not call it plagiarism; it’s more like sampling.

Sen. Barack Obama said Monday that he doesn't think it's a big deal that he borrowed lines from his friend, Massachusetts Gov., Deval Patrick. Obama said he’s done it before; he’s borrowed lines from other people like Lindsay Lohan, the Stones and Amy Winehouse.

Kenyans renamed their most popular beer after the country's favorite son, Sen. Barack Obama. They also changed the beer slogan: Obama: the only dark beer that goes well with crackers.

Satellite
NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the U.S. navy can shoot down a disabled U.S. spy satellite Thursday. Apparently, Thursday is the day the Satellite passes by Iran just over Ahmadinejad’s house.

TV
Panasonic is developing a plasma TV that will have a special coating that can absorb the impact of an accidentally thrown Wii controller. The company said it can also absorb the impact of your remote control after you throw it following the commentary of some of the Fox News’ hosts.

Lottery
The jackpot for Tuesday's Mega Million drawing will grow to $220 million, lottery officials announced Friday. This will give people a 1 in a 175 million chance of winnong the jackpot; still more probabilities than Huckabee has of being elected the GOP candidate.

Valentine
Nearly 600 Mexican couples tied the knot in Valentine's Day by the U.S. border on Thursday. Then they used the rope to climb the fence and get into the U.S.

Jenny Craig
Jenny Craig announced that Kirstie Allen is not its spokes-model anymore. This proves the company has a great weight-loss program: in one day they lost more than 300 lbs.

Spielberg
Steven Spielberg resigned in protest Friday as the artistic advisor to China's Summer Olympics opening ceremonies. Apparently, he got offended when he found out that the boot-legged versions of his movies were selling for only half the prince of Coppola’s.

Women
In an average workday, women think about sex 34 times or once every fourteen minutes, which could only be bad if they are your kid’s kindergarten teacher.

February 18th 2008

Hillary
Hillary Clinton cried Friday as she listened to the story of a mother and young daughter who said they were being forced from their home due to a skyrocketing adjustable mortgage. And if there’s someone that knows about the feeling of losing a home in the near future, that is Hillary.

Elections
Pakistan is holding elections today that could determine the political survival of President Pervez Musharraf, a key American ally. To guarantee that the elections are not rigged, the U.S is sending people to observe it: a bunch of NBA referees, and Stevie Wonder.

McCartney
Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills have come together to agree on a historic divorce settlement. Mills is to receive $110 million dollars after a marriage that only lasted 4 years. Even Oil companys’ presidents thought it was too much.

After reaching a huge lump sum in her divorce with Paul McCartney, Heather Mills has agreed to be bound by a confidentiality order and will never be able to speak publicly about their marriage or she might lose all the money. Fortunately for her, she only got 50% chances of putting her foot in her mouth.

Pregnant
A woman who is seven months pregnant has been accused of smashing a beer bottle against a bartender's head after she was refused another drink. Then the woman left the bar and went back to the set of Zoey 101.

A woman who is seven months pregnant has been accused of smashing a beer bottle against a bartender's head after she was refused another drink. The woman apologized and said that she never behaves like that; the problem was she had too much cocaine before going to the bar.

Economy
Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says there is no recession yet, but the country is right on the edge. Unfortunately, the step we’ll take to leave the edge of the recession is a step ahead.

Atlantis
The space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to land on Wednesday at Kennedy Space Center in Florida as the U.S. military is waiting for it to get back so it can try to shoot down a failed spy satellite before it tumbles to Earth. How bad does your aim have to be that you are afraid you can miss the satellite and hit the Atlantis in the open space? Who is shooting the Satellite? Cheney?

Hair
A farmer in Florida is using human hair as plant fertilizer. Unfortunately, he used Donald Trump’s and all the dogs attacked the plants he harvested.

Tornadoes
Severe thunderstorms packing potential tornadoes and brief downpours swept across Alabama over the weekend affecting poor- income residents in the area. Question: wouldn’t it be more convenient if the mobile homes came with wings instead of wheels.

February 15th 2008

Tons of leftovers today! you all have a great weekend, and please if you want to e-mail me with comments or sugestions please go ahead
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Satellite
The Pentagon plans to shoot down a disabled U.S. spy satellite before it enters the atmosphere after security advisers suggested its re-entry could lead to loss of life. Apparently, the Bush administration claimed they got the tip after water boarding a bunch of Satellite Dishes.

The Pentagon plans to shoot down a disabled U.S. spy satellite before it enters the atmosphere after security advisers suggested its re-entry could lead to loss of life. Democrats immediately complained for the decision and suggested that we negotiate with the satellite first.

Vulgarity
NBC News apologized Thursday for the use of vulgarity and disgusting language after Jane Fonda dropped the C word during The Today Show. NBC promised they won’t talk about “Coulter” anymore.

Swimsuit
NASA and Speedo have teamed up to develop the world's fastest swimsuit. The US Government immediately summoned the Pentagon to protect the secret, because if this swimsuit falls in the hands of Cubans it could be very dangerous.

Hillary
On Valentine’s Day, Hillary Clinton called the women of those reporters who were stuck covering her campaign instead of celebrating the holiday with their loved ones. It was very awkward though, because every time Hillary made a call, Bill would answer and say he was already consoling them.

Underwater Car
A SWISS company has invented the world’s first underwater car. They already got tons of requests, all of them from New Orleans.

A SWISS company has invented the world’s first underwater car. If Triple AAA takes years for road side assistance in a normal street, can you imagine when your car breaks down underwater.

Cheap Phone
An Indian cell phone company, called Spice, is releasing a cell phone that only costs $20 dollars. The phone doesn’t have the commodities of other phones, not even a screen, but the worst part is that the cable is too long.

February 14th 2008

Hi everybody, I wanna take a moment to thank Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes in today's edition of Newsday. Man, it meakes me really happy and proud to see my name next to other outstanding comedy writers. Thanks! Check the link:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun145575286feb14,0,5345149.story

Chris Mathews
During MSNBC's live coverage of Tuesday's presidential primary elections, Chris Matthews expressed his latest admiration for Obama's speaking skills and said that everytime Obama speaks he feels this “thrill going up his leg.” Now I finally understand the name of Chris Matthews’ show.

Clemens
Roger Clemens spent several hours in Capitol Hill Wednesday testifying in front of Congress about the use of steroids. Clemens passionately denied the use of HGH and remained standing up during the entire testimony. Apparently, his butt was too sore to take a seat.

Sales
The Commerce Department reported Wednesday that retail sales rose by 0.3 percent last month, but the furniture industry sales took a huge tumble this quarter. Apparently, the impact came when Romney and Hillary stopped buying furniture to decorate the White House.

Naked Cowboy
The Naked Cowboy, who plays guitar in his underwear at New York's Times Square, has filed a lawsuit claiming an M&M's advertisement infringes on his trademark. Mars unveiled a video billboard that features a blue M&M wearing a similar outfit. Apparently, the Naked Cowboy realized the M&M character was copying him for two reasons: the outfit and the big nuts.

Obama
After the latest victories, Obama told his followers at a rally that Hillary can’t catch him, quoting the famous words of a former president: Bill Clinton…

Valentine
A radio station in West Virginia is observing Valentine’s Day by giving away a free divorce. Unfortunately for Paul McCartney, he was the number 9 caller.

Hillary Clinton got emotional Thursday when her husband gave her a Valentine present: A beautiful heart-shaped box full of superdelegates!

Fat
Manuel Uribe of Monterrey, Mexico, the man considered the fattest man in the world, has lost over 500 lbs and now weighs 1257 lbs. Manuel said his ultimate goal is to slim down to 265 pounds by 2012 so he can finally fit in the trunk of car and cross the border.

Matches
A man in Germany built a race car out of nearly a million matchsticks. Unfortunately, he later gave the car to a little kid in California to play with.

Robert Gates
Defense Secretary Robert Gates fractured his right arm when he fell at the doorsteps of his home in Washington, D.C. Apparently, his shoes were all wet after a waterboarding session.

February 13th 2008

Huckabee
While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Mike Huckabee told the audience that when he was young he didn’t major in math; he majored in miracles. Judging by the pictures we saw of him from the past, he definitely majored in miracle… miracle whips!

While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference, Mike Huckabee told the audience that when he was young he didn’t major in math; he majored in miracles. Well, he’d better start multiplying some of his delegates then…

Lottery
A man listed as one of the state's most dangerous sex offenders has won $10 million in the Massachusetts lottery. He asked to be paid only in 5’s and 10’s.

Obama
Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton again Tuesday, this time in Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia. It is ironic that Hillary’s slogan is “you need a woman to clean the White House” and Obama is the one doing all the sweeping now.

McCain
According to a recent poll only 1 out of 10 Democrats gave Bush positive marks. Apparently that was McCain.

President Bush celebrated Abraham Lincoln's birthday Sunday at the White House. The celebration was distinguished with important guests including John McCain who was a young usher at the Ford's Theatre in Washington the day Lincoln was shot.

Sen. John McCain crossed the aisle in the Senate this morning to shake hands with Sen. Barack Obama. The meeting was suddenly interrupted when Obama asked McCain to give him high five and McCain handed his wallet and run away scared.

Hilton
Paris Hilton's younger brother, Barron Hilton, was arrested Tuesday morning for allegedly driving under the influence, authorities said. Police said he had a good excuse though; he needed the booze because he had just gone to see his sister’s latest movie.

February 12th 2008

Obama
Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama on Sunday beat Bill Clinton when he scored a Grammy Award in Los Angeles. Bill Clinton said he was not resentful because last week he scored with two “grannies” on his wife’s campaign trail.

Steroids
Brian McNamee told Congress Friday he injected Roger Clemens's wife with Human Growth Hormone. Every time Clemens pissed her off, those plates in the kitchen would fly over a hundred MPH.

Leprosy
Arkansas is experiencing a leprosy outbreak. Now more than ever Arkansas honors its slogan of the amicable city, because now when they give you a hand, they really do.

Hispanic Population
New research shows that the U.S.'s Hispanic population will triple by 2050. Immediately after hearing the news, CNN host Lou Dobbs summoned a press conference and said that now more than a ever we should build a wall… a wall in every Latino woman’s crotch.

Spy Charges
A former Boeing engineer was arrested for sending information to the Chinese government about the Space Shuttle. Apparently, the Chinese cannot figure out yet how such a piece of junk can still fly.

Prosecutors are charging a man with selling classified information about military weaponry to a New Orleans furniture salesman. The salesman claims he needed the information on the military technology not to send it to China, but rather to protect himself in case FEMA ever comes back to New Orleans.

Vegan
A Vegan strips club has recently opened in Portland. It is doomed to fail though; nobody wants to go to a strip club where the strippers don’t like meat.

Grammys
This year’s Grammy broadcast was the third least watched ever. Apparently, when people heard there was going to be some screaming and someone with coke experience they thought it was going to be another Democratic presidential debate.

Edwards
Both Hillary an Obama are courting John Edwards to gain his support. Edwards said he is still undecided and will go for the one with the best hair care program.

Population
The U.S. population will soar to 438 million by 2050 according to projections released Monday by the Pew Research Center. Apparently, another hidden impact of the writers’ strike.

February 11th 2008

Hillary
The manager of a downtown building said Thursday he’ll likely never rent office space to a political campaign again after all the trash Hillary Clinton campaign staffers left behind after the Iowa caucuses. Hillary is now saying that all that garbage isn’t hers, it is just dirt they have on Obama.

The manager of a downtown building said Thursday he’ll likely never rent office space to a political campaign again after all the trash Hillary Clinton campaign staffers left behind after the Iowa caucuses. How can she claim we need her to clean the White House if she cannot clean a small office?

The media reported Sunday that Hillary cried again while talking in a school in Manassas, Va. At least Hillary knows that if she looses the election she’ll still have a shot at a small role in “The days of our lives.”

Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse won five Grammies this Sunday and despite all the latest accolades she’ll always be regarded as an “aspiring” singer.

Amy Winehouse performed Sunday at the Grammies. Everybody tuned in to see the singer that according to the media is high all the time, ironically the one that looks like she’s got the munchies was Aretha Franklin.

Pentagon
A Pentagon document revealed that the War in Iraq is keeping the military from improving their ability to respond to new conflicts. Apparently our army is so depleted they cannot even be part of the “Dance War” between Bruno and Carrie Ann.

Obama
Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama on Sunday beat two former US presidents, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, and won a Grammy in the category for best spoken word album. You can check the Grammy on e-Bay and get it for a minimum of two superdelegates.

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama won a Grammy for best spoken word album. It is a very emotional album, it definitely made Hillary cry.

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama won a Grammy for best spoken word album beating Bill Clinton in the same category. Bill said Obama deserved the award because it was a beautiful fairy tale.

Heather Mills
According to a British Tabloid, Heather Mills cheated on Paul McCartney for six month with a secret lover. Apparently, Heather had a leg on both relationships.

Pimp
Hillary Clinton demanded an apology from MSNBC after a reporter had said they are “Pimping Out” Chelsea. After she lashed out her frustration, Hillary grabbed her McDaddy cane, wrapped the feather boa around her neck and looked for the Cadillac waiting outside.

David Shuster, an MSNBC reporter, said Thursday that Chelsea Clinton had been "pimped out" to make calls to superdelegates on behalf of her mother Hillary. Hillary was mad and said the Chelsea was doing nothing wrong, just pulling normal political tricks.

February 8th 2008

Friday Leftovers, you all have a great weekend......By the way for comments please e-mail me at:
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Hollywood Strike
It looks like the Hollywood writers' strike could be over as early as this weekend. Writers are very happy because they are now free to audition for any reality show.

Romney
Mitt Romney has withdrawn from the Republican presidential race. The campaign managers are planning to send all the useless Mitt 08 buttons to Africa so they can be used as dishes.

McCain
John McCain says he has a lot in common with Ronald Reagan, mainly the Alzheimer.

Democratic presidential candidates are accusing McCain of saying that he wants to leave U.S. troops in Iraq for a hundred years. McCain’s campaign staffers went out yesterday to clarify that statement. Apparently, McCain said we should leave the troops in Iraq until he gets to be a hundred which would be in a couple of months.

Super Tuesday
Flavor Flav says he wrote his own name on his Super Tuesday ballot. Apparently, he managed to beat Ron Paul.

Remote Control
Australian police declared a state of emergency at a luxury golf resort yesterday when a drunken man threatened to blow up half a city with his television remote control. Apparently, the guy threatened to use the remote control to tune into one of the American presidential debates.

Firefighters
Florida Firefighters on Tuesday revived several dogs by performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on the animals. The dogs were mad; just because they hump firefighters, that doesn’t give them the right to kiss them.

February 7th 2008

Hey everybody I'm back in Newsday! Thanks to Mr. Rasak and Newsday for choosing one of my jokes and be featured among tremendous comedians. Thanks galore. (love that word)
Check it here.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5567225feb07,0,1876350.story

Republicans
Senate Republicans blocked a bid by Democrats to add $44 billion in the stimulus package to help for the elderly. Another sign Republicans hate McCain.

Heath Ledger
Toxicology reports indicate Heath Ledger's system contained OxyContin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom. To be fair with Ledger, most of Americans have those drugs in their system now to be able to put up with the primaries.

Toxicology reports indicate Heath Ledger consumed OxyContin, Valium, Xanax, Restoril and Unisom. Apparently, doctors didn’t waste any time on an autopsy to recognize the drugs; they just checked Britney’s bathroom cabinet.

Amy Winehouse
Amy Winehouse might write and record the next James Bond movie theme. She suggested the main character to be called “James Bong”

Hillary
According to campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson, late last month Senator Clinton loaned her campaign $5 million. Political analysts were shocked because lately she looked like she had the biggest campaign booty among Democrats.

According to campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson, late last month Senator Clinton loaned her campaign $5 million. I guess we know who hasn’t had any money to visit strip bars lately.

Rats
Today is the start of the Year of the Rat in the Chinese calendar. Congratulations to all the members of congress!!!

Wal-Mart
A police study in Coos Bay, Oregon found that panhandlers outside Wal-Mart can make $300 a day, compared to your average Wal-Mart cashier who's pulling in $300 for the week. Yeah, but panhandlers don’t have any kind of benefi……oops forget about that.

February 6th 2008

Super Tuesday
Well, yesterday was Super Tuesday, a day where millions of Americans gathered in front of the TV set to watch American Idol.

No clear Democratic leader emerged from Super Tuesday. Hillary campaign staffers believed she could have done much better if she had lost her voice at the beginning of her campaign.

Budget
President Bush on Monday became the first president to post his federal budget online and not print it. You can check it at www.weareallscrewed.com

President Bush on Monday became the first president to post his federal budget online and not print it. Does that tell you something of how much money we’re spending when even Bush becomes conscious of the amount of printing paper we’re going to use?

Wine-rack
A company has designed a product called Wine-rack, a bra that you can fill up with wine. Apparently that was the present that tipped Ted Kennedy’s support in favor of Obama.

Bob Knight
Basketball coach Bob Knight has retired. He said he was too old to coach, especially when he felt he was not strong enough to slap or to strangle any of his players.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton cut short an interview due to severe coughing, which some people thought was faked. Apparently, that is Hillary’s technique every time Bill asks for some intimate time.

February 5th 2008

Iran
Iranian State TV showed live images Monday of Ahmadinejad wearing plastic, 3-D glasses during the launch of Iranian’s first research rocket into space. Ahmadinejad said later that it was the most exciting moment of his life, not the launching, but seeing the Hannah Montana movie where he got the 3-D glasses.

Robo-Calls
Comedian Chris Rock is doing robo-calls for Barack Obama. The only problem is that he talks so fast, you don’t know if he’s asking you to vote for Obama or telling Yo momma jokes.

McCain
Former senator Rick Santorum said during an interview that John McCain “was very rough in the sandbox.” The reporter couldn’t figure out if he was talking about McCain’s behavior in the senate or McCain’s need for Metamucil.

Super Bowl
A great number of newspapers drew a comparison Monday between the result of the Super Bowl and the Democratic presidential race hinting Obama, the underdog, could win like the Giants did. Hillary immediately discarded the comparison saying that unlike Brady’s her ankles are strong.

The Patriots lost tons of money in unsold merchandise after their defeat against the Giants. Apparently, they are trying to recover some of the money by selling their bootlegged version of the game to the Chinese.

Babies
Baby shampoos, lotions and powders may be linked to possible reproductive problems. Apparently, if your kids grow used to that kind of stuff, they might end up like Richard Simmons.

Blue Eyes
A team of scientists has discovered that every single blue-eyed person on Earth can be traced back to one woman, who lived between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago. And we thought Paris Hilton was easy…

Britney
Doctors at UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric hospital decided to keep Britney Spears hospitalized an additional 14 days because they were afraid of imminent suicide. Doctors believe the relentless covering of Britney in the media will push tons of tired people to commit suicide.

Hillary
According to Clinton campaign's latest federal campaign disclosure report, Hillary paid $ 7,500 to take classes with a vocal coach. Apparently, she misunderstood Bill’s comments that she should improve her oral skills.

February 4th 2008

Punxsutawney Phil
Like every February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from its stump by members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle. Unfortunately, this time it wasn’t to predict the length of the winter; it was just another victim of foreclosure.

Punxsutawney Phil saw its shadow Saturday, leading the groundhog to forecast six more weeks of winter. And then, like in the last bunch of years, Punxsutawney Phil went on a rant about the devastating effects of global warming.

Big Breasts
According to a Canadian study, women with big breasts may be at a higher risk of diabetes. Apparently, it has to do with the fact that big-breasted women have access to too many sugar daddies.

Amnesia
Comedian Dennis Miller is going to host a TV show called “Amnesia.” Apparently, the show is about how he forgot to be funny.

Bill Clinton
According to a FOX News poll released Friday, Hillary Clinton is the most likely candidate to "do anything, including something unethical to win" the election. Bill Clinton immediately refuted the poll saying that he knows as a fact there are some things that Hillary will never do.

Smile
Thousands of Americans are heading to Ciudad Juarez and other Mexican border cities for cheap dental treatment. Unfortunately for them, they don’t feel like smiling when they are under the spell of Montezuma’s revenge.

Debate
The last Democratic presidential debate “drew 8,324,000 million total viewers, making it the most-watched primary debate in cable news history. Since the writers are on strike, people know that this is the only good comedy available on TV.

Edwards
During his presidential Campaign, candidate John Edwards helped a person with a cleft palate that was never able to talk speak again. Apparently, that was what tipped Edwards to quit the race because the guy’s first words were “I am going to vote for Obama.”

Britney
"Us Weekly" says that someone stole some, quote, "valuable possessions" from Britney's house sometime late last week. Not surprisingly, her albums were untouched.

The “I”
The movie “The Eye” hit theaters this weekend. It didn’t do well at the box office because some people thought it was a Thriller and others a movie about Tyra Banks: “I did this, I did that…”

Brady
Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady may have accepted the wedding proposal of a Mexican TV reporter. Apparently, he didn’t fall in love. He was just looking for an excuse to go and hide in Mexico.

February 1st 2008

Friday's Leftovers , you all have a nice weekend!

McCain
In a recent debate among Republicans, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that he’s the most conservative candidate because he really knows the constitution. Apparently, McCain knows the constitution really well because he was there when the constitution was being written.

Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter said on a website she would vote for Hillary over John McCain. Political analysts were shocked, because everybody knows Hillary doesn’t poll well among men.

Bill Clinton
During a speech in Denver Colorado, former president Bill Clinton said that we need to slow down our economy to fight global warming. Shall we nominate President Bush for a Nobel Prize, then?

Britney
According to a study, for a growing number of people and businesses, Britney's saga is about money. The study reports that Britney is helping different industries build a solid economy around her: The paparazzi industry, the celebrity magazine industry, and the pharmaceutical industry.

Debate
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama debated Thursday in Los Angeles in front of great numbers of Hollywood people. For the actors, the debate was more like a seminar and they were all learning from the masters of acting.

Internet
A widespread Internet outage hit the Middle East yesterday. The impact was immediate: most of the car bombers lost their targets because they didn’t have access to mapquest.

Starbucks
Starbucks has announced that it will be shutting down 100 U.S. locations. Americans will now be forced to walk two extra steps to find another one.

TiVo
CBS signed on as a client of TiVo's Stop Watch service, which provides second-by-second viewing data from a panel of 20,000 TiVo users. The first study revealed that the image people pause the most when they are watching CBS is David Letterman to try to figure out what it is that he has on his head.