Wednesday, July 30, 2008

July 30th 2008

Budget
The next elected president will start his administration with a $482 billion budget deficit. I don’t want to say we owe a lot of money, but the other day I saw a Chinese guy measuring the drapes at the White House.

While talking about lowering gas prices, President Bush repeated Wednesday that he doesn’t have a magic wand. Are you sure Mr. President? Because only a magician can turn a surplus into a $482 billion budget deficit.

Cigarettes
According to the American Cancer Society, the best way for women to quit smoking is to get pregnant. Unfortunately, that is best way for men to start smoking or to smoke more, when you find out your girlfriend is pregnant.

McCain
GOP presidential candidate John McCain talked about technology Wednesday and disputed criticism that he is "out of the loop." Apparently, he "got in the loop;" he just signed with Qwest.

John McCain had to have a small patch of skin removed from his face yesterday. This is not the first time he’s got skin removed. In fact, just yesterday, doctors removed more of McCain’s skin from his Facebook.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton is asking people to donate $5 to her campaign for the chance to win a summer dinner with her. It might not be that exciting; Bill can have that dinner for free and never wants to.

Corpse
A person in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a corpse. Apparently, he had a couple of beers and agreed to have sex with Joan Rivers.

A person in Ohio was arrested for having sex with a corpse. Apparently, he said he was looking for someone that reminded him of his current wife.

Earthquake
A 5.4-magnitute earthquake hit Los Angeles yesterday. It must have been felt in DC too; at least that is what Bill told Hillary when she caught him under the desk with his assistant.

A 5.4-magnitute earthquake that hit Los Angeles yesterday was felt in Vegas as well. People were running away of their homes, but just because of foreclosure

Apology
The House of Representatives has issued a formal apology for slavery. Gee! are they that afraid Obama can win the elections or what?

Jerry Lewis
Jerry Lewis was ticketed last Friday for having an unloaded weapon in his carry-on bag at Las Vegas International Airport. Apparently, he started carrying one since Ed McMahon started harassing him for money.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

July 29th 2008

Dancing with the Stars
Rev. Al Sharpton rejected an invitation to be part of "Dancing with the Stars." Jesse Jackson offered to take his place as long as he could dance the "Nutcracker."

Obama
Barack Obama, saw a doctor at the University of Chicago Medical Center on Sunday night to deal with a sore hip. I think he’s exaggerating; he said that he’s changing the name of the new edition of his book to "The audacity of the Hip."

Barack Obama, saw a doctor at the University of Chicago Medical Center on Sunday night to deal with a sore hip. Doctors told him he’ll be fine in a week; in the meantime reporters will carry Obama on their backs so he doesn’t have to walk.

McCain
John McCain had to have a small patch of skin removed from his face yesterday. McCain told the press that it’s nothing to worry about because this is not the first time he’s got skin removed. In fact he’s got so much skin removed they are thinking of building a VP out of it.

Budget
The U.S. budget deficit will widen to a record of about $490 billion next year, an administration official said. Bush told the press not to worry because by the time he leaves office, the value of the dollar will be so insignificant that $490 billion will feel like nothing.

TV
According to experts, the digital TV switchover will make VCR’s obsolete. When McCain heard the news, he cancelled all his future meetings at 5 PM because he won’t be able to record "Murder she wrote" anymore.

China
Chinese officials have set up a "sex determination lab" to test man-looking Olympic athletes competing as women. It is not that expensive, they just give the athlete a remote control and if the athlete knows hot to use it, he’s a man.

Seacrest
Ryan Seacrest said that he was bitten by a shark over the weekend. Nothing serious, just a gay lawyer at the club where got quite romantic.

Monday, July 28, 2008

July 28th 2008

Obama
An Israeli newspaper published Barack Obama's private prayer that he posted at Jerusalem's Western Wall. It starts “Dear Daddy....”

Senator Barack Obama said he didn’t travel to Europe and the Middle East as a president. Judging by the sale of the Chrysler building and Budweiser, Obama traveled to Europe and the Middle East as a Real Estate Agent.

Richard Simmons
After speaking in Congress, Richard Simmons said some day he would consider running for office. He is well qualified; he’s made more fat women happy than Bill Clinton.

Richard Simmons says he may run for political office. Some Republicans feel Simmons would make a perfect running mate for John McCain. Simmons would shore up McCain's image with gays and women, and Richard could use the slogan, "Sweating with the Oldy." (thanks Frank)

McCain
Senator John McCain McCain is desperate for some media attention. The other day he went jaywalking in front of Robert Novak’s car.

John McCain was interviewed by George Stephanopoulois Sunday. I don’t want to say McCain is afraid of being ignored again, but he crazyglued his palm before shaking Stephanopoulois’ hands.

McCain visited a German restaurant to counteract Obama’s visit to Germany. After Obama visited England and France, McCain decided to save time and visited the International House of Pancakes.

During a speech Thursday, McCain made a funny comment about Obama and laughed hard at his own joke. Jay Leno immediately called him for a job, not as a joke writer, but as canned laughter.

Shia LaBeouf
"Indiana Jones" star Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday. He claimed he was just working on his upcoming movie, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Cristal…"

"Indiana Jones" star Shia LaBeouf was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving Sunday. Apparently, he is a Wall Street trader.

UPS
A delivery driver, who died last week of lung cancer, was transported to his funeral service Saturday in his own UPS truck by a coworker after he had requested so. It was his last chance to use all the forever stamps he had bought.

A delivery driver, who died last week of lung cancer, was transported to his funeral service Saturday in his own UPS truck by a coworker after he had requested so. Unfortunately, the UPS employee arrived late to the funeral and with the wrong body.

Surveys
Golfers live five more years than non-golfers do. Not because of the benefits of practicing the sport, they are just rich people.

A new poll finds that 85% of the U.S. is unhappy with the economy. The other 15% couldn’t be surveyed as they are now roaming the streets after losing their homes to the financial crisis.

According to a recent survey, Americans would rather go to the dentist and having a tooth drilled than cleaning their home. No wonder houses in England are so spotless...

Friday, July 25, 2008

July 25th 2008

FRIDAY LEFTOVERS! Please write me a line at... pedrobartes@hotmail.com
I love any comments, ideas or suggestions... Have a nice weekend... Pedro


Obama
Barack Obama spoke in front of more than 200,000 people in Berlin yesterday. The fact that he changed his middle name helped; the fliers said Barack Husseinhoff Obama.

A death row inmate in Texas used his last words to urge people to vote for Obama. It was the wrong move. Dick Cheney immediately phoned his buddy Satan and asked him to torture the inmate even more when he got to hell.

A death row inmate that was executed in Texas asked people to vote for Obama, or Osama; we couldn’t hear over the buzzing of the chair...

McCain
McCain decided to counteract Obama’s speech in Victory Column in Berlin and gave his own speech at a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. As if that wasn’t enough, McCain left the place goostepping and drove out in the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.

John McCain visited a supermarket in Pennsylvania Wednesday. Tons of people shook his hands, but just because they thought he was the new supermarket greeter.

During a visit to a supermarket in Pennsylvania, cameras caught McCain talking to some shoppers in the cheese section. It was a calculated move by his campaign; they just wanted to show his economic solution for poor people, more government cheese.

John McCain visited a supermarket in Pennsylvania Wednesday. A huge line of people gathered behind him, but just because McCain was pushing the cart very slow.

Coffee
A new study found that 89% of recovering alcoholics are coffee drinkers. It is a technique recommended by AA because having regular coffees in Starbucks leaves alcoholics with no money for booze.

Google
Google has launched its own version of communally constructed online encyclopedia Wikipedia. They claim it is better than Wikipedia; way more inaccurate.

Peacock
A couple of guys from Pennsylvania picked up a peacock that was standing on the edge of the road and put it inside the car. Apparently, when Jay Leno said he was leaving NBC even the peacock saw no future in the Network.

Simmons
During his visit to Congress Thursday, Richard Simmons said that one day he would like to become a senator. He was always a big fan of giving back.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

July 24th 2008

Bush
President Bush said that the bad economy is because Wall Street "got drunk." Well, his administration has kept alcohol flowing for the last 7 years and the worst part is that we had to take care of the tab and the Bush administration was the only one tipped.

President Bush said that Wall Street "got drunk," and now it's "got a hangover." If they have the hangover, why is it that we all have the headache?

President Bush said that the bad economy is because Wall Street "got drunk." So, the bubble that burst was a champagne bubble?

McCain
McCain is spending more money in campaign ads. His latest and most expensive one, to be released this week is called “The Mummy.”

John McCain said Tuesday that he would much rather lose a campaign than lose a war. He must have won a Risk game in 2000 when he lost to Bush then.

Dolly
Hurricane Dolly slammed ashore and then loitered over deep south Texas. FEMA is kind of lost; today they announced they are sending shepherds to take care of dolly, the sheep.

Lottery
The Park Avenue doorman who kept his job after winning a $5 million lottery says it might be time to quit while he's ahead. He said he’s financially secure and expects to live on the interest of his money deposited in Indymac bank.

Winehouse
There’s an online registry that lists every known meth lab in the U.S that have been identified by Johnny Law as one-time meth labs. Or, if you want more up-to-date info, you can always check Amy Winehouse’s blackberry.

Amy Winehouse got her own statue at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in London yesterday. But it would resemble her better with time, when the statue starts to get some cracks.

Economy
I don’t want to say the inflation is hitting hard, but today 50 cents was forced to change his name to 70 cents.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

July 23rd 2008

McCain
Senator John McCain complained because there was only one reporter waiting for him in Manchester as his plane emblazoned with his campaign slogan, "Reform, Prosperity, Peace" landed. Apparently, there were more reporters waiting for McCain, but when they saw "Reform, Prosperity, Peace" on the plane they thought it was another candidate.

Senator John McCain complained because there was only one reporter waiting for him when he arrived in Manchester. Wow! “Why so many?” said Ralph Nader...

Babies
A recent poll found that adult Americans think that Barack Obama is a better kisser than John McCain, and that babies equally hate to be kissed by either candidate.

Economy
The mortgage crisis is getting worse. Today Fox foreclosed the show "House."

Batman
Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his mother and sister. It’s understandable; how would you react if your mom and sister washed your superhero cape together with some red underwear?

Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his mother and sister. How would react if your mom and sister among everybody else constantly reminded you that Heath Ledger stole the movie.

Obama

It was reported Monday that Barack Obama is the presidential candidate with the bigger number of paid staffers in history. Well, when you have people in your own party that want to cut your nuts you need as much protection as possible.

Britney
Britney Spears was photographed with her two-year-old son Sean Preston on Sunday as he attempted to play with his mom's cigarettes. Fortunately, the kid didn’t go for the cocaine and pills that were inside Britney’s purse.

Britney Spears was photographed with her two-year-old son Sean Preston on Sunday as he attempted to play with his mom's cigarettes. Like father like son, Sean was probably trying to impress Angelina Jolie’s new baby girl Vivienne Marcheline.

Viagra
A new study says that Viagra can increase the sexual desire in women who are on antidepressants, especially when they finally see something moving in their husbands’ pants.

Talking about Viagra, one of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Can the makers also get me some deafness so I don’t have to hear my wife complain?

Celebrities
The Jonas brothers have purchased a house together in Texas. Finally a house in Texas that will have more young girls than the polygamists’ sect compound!

Will Ferrell joked that the best parenting advice he could give Nicole Kidman is to talk to your children at least once a week. Well If I was Will Ferrel’s son, I would like him to talk only once a week so he doesn’t embarrass me in front of all my friends.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

July 22nd 2008

McCain
John McCain unveiled a TV ad Monday that blames Barack Obama for rising gasoline prices. It seems it was quite effective because today Dick Cheney announced he’s endorsing Obama.

During an interview in ABC John McCain had a gaffe when he talked about the precarious situation of the Iraq/Pakistan border. He explained himself to the media later saying he was talking about the future when during his presidency Iran will be blown off the map so Iraq and Pakistan will share a border.

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain addressed the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People’s 99th convention Wednesday. He tried hard to relate but it was kind of awkward, especially when he opened his speech by saying "My friends, I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

Obama
Barack Obama showed off his basketball skills in Iraq yesterday when he shot a three-pointer in front of the troops. It was a difficult shot, not only was he far away from the basket but he also had McCain, Bush and Cheney trying to block that shot.

The media reported yesterday that, during his visit to Iraq, Barack Obama shot a three-pointer in front of the troops from way downtown. McCain immediately said thanks to the surge Obama was able to shoot from downtown.

Barack Obama showed off his basketball skills in Iraq yesterday when he shot a three-pointer in front of the troops. I don’t want to say that it was prearranged for a video, but today Obama will be jumping over a moving car.

Barack Obama traveled to Afghanistan this weekend. He was treated like a rockstar by the locals; everybody stopped by and tried to get the New Yorker cartoon autographed.

Church
A person in Illinois saved $80,000 on property taxes by turning his house into a church. Apparently, the man claimed the house felt like a church since he started praying all the time not to lose it to foreclosure.

Tatoo
A doctor is being sued for leaving a temporary tattoo of a red rose on a female patient’s belly, which he claimed he did to make the patient feel better. Apparently, the woman is mad because if the doctor wanted her to feel better, he could have left a new set of boobs.

Spa
There’s a new spa in Alexandria, Virginia where you can have fish eat dead skin off your feet. Or you can always have a cheaper version and soak your feet in the Florida everglades.

There’s a new spa in Alexandria, Virginia where you can have fish eat dead skin off your feet. You have to be sure McCain wasn’t there before your appointment, because those fish get bloated with so much dead skin.

Fire
Two men have been sentenced to prison in California for setting their friend’s crotch on fire. The guy could have died; fortunately, Ryan Seacrest was around to put out the fire.

Monday, July 21, 2008

July 21st 2008

Batman
According to movie critics, Heith Ledger’s performance in the movie Dark Night is brilliant and Oscar worthy. Ledger’s friends and family were happy he was able to finish the shooting of Batman, otherwise it would have been awful to be only remembered as the gay guy in Brokeback Mountain.

The latest Batman movie doesn’t have a Robin. But for the Robin fans, don’t despair, you can always go and se Mamma Mia!

Banks
Freddie Mac is preparing to issue stocks for sale. You can get them in one ply soft with 1000 sheets or the two-ply super soft with 650 sheets.

Obama
Barack Obama says that he'll rid the world of nuclear weapons. McCain, on the other hand, just asked the Pentagon if there’s any chance he can connect the nuclear launch controls to his clapper.

Leno
Jay Leno is saying that he's officially done with NBC and will be leaving the network. I don’t want to say the Network is in crisis after Leno’s departure, but today even the peacock quit.

Bush
A little girl cried and ran away when she met President Bush at a White House Tee-Ball Game. Apparently, the little girl misunderstood Bush when he repeated her age thinking Bush had said he was going for four more years.

US President George W. Bush agreed to set a "time horizon" for US troop withdrawals as part of a long-term security pact, the White House said Friday. Apparently, it is getting really hard for the president to stay away from golf.

Old guy
A 94-year-old man arrested in a prostitution sting will not be prosecuted because the judge ruled that he was a victim of entrapment. Apparently, the prostitute asked him if he wanted a happy ending and the old man said "Of course, hopefully in my sleep."

Studies
A new study says that eating too much tofu may raise the risk of memory loss. Apparently, people start forgetting what real food tastes like.

A professor of DePaul University in Chicago estimates that 15 to 20 per cent of people are chronic procrastinators. The study will be published later this year, or next year, or maybe never.

A study says that loud music in bars encourages people to drink more. Apparently, loud music reminds customers of their wives screaming at home.

According to a recent study, the odds of being elected president of the U.S. are one in ten million. The odds decrease considerably if you are Ralph Nader.

China

Beijing is working on a way to clear its smog-choked skies. Starting Sunday, officials began restricting the use on the streets of motorcycles, cars and tanks.

Police in China accidentally shot a reporter during a press conference to publicize the success of a new gun-control program. The reporter was from The Tibet News.

Friday, July 18, 2008

July 18th 2008

Friday leftovers. Hey please send me an e-mail with comments, ideas, suggestions, money offers, or anything at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
you all have a great weekend...

Obama
Barack Obama made three separate visits to Chicago-area gyms in one day this week. Apparently, he wants to be fit to run away in case he sees Jesse Jackson with a pair of scissors.

Barack Obama made three separate visits to Chicago-area gyms in one day this week. McCain, 3 visits to the same bathroom, but just in an hour.

Several media outlets reported Thursday that Barack Obama exercises regularly. McCain, on the other hand, just whishes he was regular.

Sewage
The ordinance initiative to changing the name of the Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility to the ‘George W Bush Sewage Plant’ will be on the November ballot. I don’t think that’s fair; Bush does the opposite to a Wastewater Treatment Facility; the plant transforms crap into something reusable, whereas Bush transforms usable stuff into crap.

Babies
A record number of babies were born in the U.S. in 2007. Apparently, sperm banks were like any other banks in 07, carelessly giving loans to everybody.

World Cup
The South African government is pushing to temporarily legalize prostitution in the country during the World Cup. Apparently, they want everybody to score to make soccer more interesting.

Britney
Britney Spears is recording a new album. Her manager said this one is going to be as a much a hit as the last one, which was named... Crap what was the name? Does anybody remember?

Leno
Jay Leno is saying that he's officially done with NBC and will be leaving the network. I don’t want to say the Network is in crisis after Leno’s departure, but today even the Turkey quit.

Starbucks
Starbucks is closing stores all over the country. That is going to hurt the I'm-pretending-to-be-a-writer industry.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

July 17th 2008

Hey everybody I'm featured in Newsday! Thanks to the people at Newsday and to Mr. Rasak, it certainly makes me proud to be sandwiched by Leno and Conan and to be called a comedy writer. I truly appreciate it. Check it here:

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun175765983jul17,0,2845620.story

Democrats
Officials in Denver will give homeless people passes to the Denver zoo while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month. That way, they won’t miss much of what’s going on inside the convention.

Officials in Denver will give homeless people free movie tickets and zoo passes during the Democratic National convention. Apparently, Democrats don’t want anybody but Hillary begging for money.

Officials in Denver will give homeless people free movie tickets and zoo passes during the Democratic National convention. Democrats were afraid there were going to be many beggars around. After all, Obama has been offering change since he started the campaign.

World
A growing number of people say that the world will end in 2012. And those are the optimistic ones.

Firefighter
British firefighters have threatened to go on strike after bosses fired a veteran Scottish colleague for being overweight. Officials explained the overweight firefighter was fired not because he was bad at his job, but rather because it’s very difficult to sell calendars when Mr. December is a fatzo!

Kiss
A recent poll from online dating website Match.com found that Americans think that Barack Obama is a better kisser than John McCain. Unless you are a hardcore conservative, because nobody is kissing their asses better than John McCain.

Movie
According to some internet rumors, Wachowski Siblings is planning to make a Plastic Man movie. So far, the candidates for the leading role are Keanu Reeves, Crhistian Bale and Kenny Rogers.

Bush
According to a study, many people are using the stimulus checks sent by the government on porn. Therefore, Bush was right when he said the checks were going to help with the foreclosure problem; they are giving everybody a tent.

President Bush says that the U.S economy is sound. Unfortunately, it sounds like Paris Hilton’s music and Bush is deaf.

Jesse
Fox News revealed the rest of the comments that Jesse Jackson made about Obama, which included something the media cannot say on the air: “The N-word." I thought we knew already that he had used the word Nuts!

Subway
A New York man claimed in a lawsuit filed on Wednesday that he found a knife in a Subway sandwich. Police will clear Subway of all charges when they find out the sandwich was prepared to kill Jarred.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

July 16th 2008

Bush
According to a study, many people are using the stimulus checks sent by the government on porn. Therefore, Bush was right when he said the checks were going to help with the foreclosure problem; they are giving everybody a tent.

GOP lobbyist Stephen Payne was taped offering to set up private meetings with Bush or Vice President Dick Cheney in return for donations of more than $500,000 to the George W. Bush Library. People would pay anything to meet with Bush and Cheney now, because after 2008, it will be impossible to find them.

During a press conference, President Bush said that if we continue in this direction we’re going to end in a country with a great economy. The economy is going to go down so much, it’ll go through the center of the earth and show up in China.

New Yorker
Do you know what the cover of the New Yorker will be next week? A white sheet!

Study
According to a recent study, American children become sluggish when they hit the teens. Just the apposite of adults that become really energetic when they hit on teens.

Larry King
Larry King is coming out with an autobiography. It is divided in two chapters: BC and AD.

Larry King is coming out with an autobiography. “It has everything,” say the critics… “Romance, violence, suspenders…”

Pope
Pope Benedict is the first Pope to ever use a cell phone. Can you imagine how hard it must be for the Pope to explain to the patrol officer that he was using the cell phone while driving the pope-mobile because God was calling him?

Tour of France
The Americans competing in the Tour of France are not having a good race. Things will change next year, because we have millions of Americans practicing on their bicycle skills due to the high price of gas.

Oral competition
Nine British women were facing prostitution charges after being arrested during the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos. Apparently, the competition sucked.

Nine British women and some men were arrested at the weekend for taking part in an oral sex competition in the Greek holiday island of Zakynthos. Bill Clinton claims he was only there as a judge.

Old Stripper
A 75-year-old San Francisco woman has taken up stripping. Even though there are no restrictions in San Francisco’s strip joints, customers stay within three feet of her, just to avoid stepping on her boobs.

A 75-year-old San Francisco woman has taken up stripping. The only problem is that every time you put a dollar bill in her thong her hip breaks.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

July 15th 2008

New Yorker
You know what the cover of the New Yorker will be next week?
A white sheet!

July 15th 2008

Graduates
According to a recent poll from Monster.com, 48% of this year's college graduates say they plan on moving back in with their parents. The other 52% will move with their grandparents, because that is where their parents are living already.

Miss Universe
During the Miss Universe 2008 competition, Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, became the second Miss USA in a row to fall down during the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant. The Bush administration is now blaming the “coxis” of evil.

Miss Venezuela has been crowned Miss Universe 2008. They have 25-cent-a-gallon gas and the hottest chick in the world... What is Cheney waiting for to attack!

Cigarettes
Researchers from the Institute of Psychology at King's College in London announced they're developing a pill which would mimic the effects of nicotine, because nicotine stimulates the brain and boosts a person's memory and ability to concentrate. That’s why those who smoke never forget what gave them emphysema in the first place.

Live
In a recent poll, Plymouth was voted the best place to live in the United States, not the city in Minnesota, but the Plymouth Voyager, because due to foreclosure, minivans are the only places Americans can afford to live in.

Driver
An Italian court has ruled the government must pay $157,700 in damages to a man who was told to retake a driving test because he was homosexual. Apparently, they suspected the man was gay when he went to take the driving test in a Hybrid.

Rave
Russian health officials said on Monday dozens of partygoers at an outdoor rave near Moscow last week lost partial vision after a laser light show burned their retinas. Nobody realized they were blind until the party was over, because they thought the bumping into each other was just part of the dance.

McCain
John McCain said during an interview this weekend that he’s learning how to get online. He said he’s having a hard time with the "Com," because he already knows the dots and dashes from the telegraph.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton says that she's started exercising more since dropping out of the presidential race. She already dropped 200 lbs right after the primaries… when she got rid of Bill.

Hillary Clinton says that she's started exercising more since dropping out of the presidential race. But don’t be confused; the big biceps are just for lifting the glasses of Crown Royal.

Package
A company is selling "Penis Enlargement Pants" that make your privates look bigger. The only penis enlargement pants I know are to get into Jessica Alba’s pants.

Breaking up
Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have broken up. Apparently, he found out she was doing Mat Damon, Ben Affleck and the entire cast of Dogma.

Monday, July 14, 2008

July 14th 2008

Obama
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama told an audience that they needed to make sure that their children could speak Spanish. So in the future, when Chinese people come to collect the money we owe them, our kids can say "No hablo Ingles."

During a fundraising for Obama, comedian Bernie Mac drew criticism from Obama’s campaign when he delivered some off-color jokes. Are off-color jokes jokes against white people?

Sports Illustrated reported that Sen. Barack Obama is considering sponsoring a car in a NASCAR race next month. The only problem is that Obama is used to turning left all the time, but sometimes he might turn to the right and crash against the wall of the track.

Sports Illustrated reported that Sen. Barack Obama is considering sponsoring a car in a NASCAR race next month. It won’t work; you know how difficult is it going to be driving with flip flops?

According to Newsweek, Obama’s lead against McCain went from 15 points to only three. Apparently, pollsters, like so many in the media, mistook Obama for Osama during the survey and still McCain ended up loosing.

Road Signs
Atlanta is replacing all its "Men at Work" signs with gender-neutral ones after a women's magazine editor complained of bias. Apparently, the new signs read "Men at work and women too but for 40% percent less money."

Meet Dave
The movie "Meet Dave" tanked at the box office. Producers of the movie are considering changing the name to "Meet Jay" to see if it does better.

Airlines
Ticks were found in a United Airlines flight from Denver to Des Moines. The crew didn’t use any pesticide to kill them; they just let them die of starvation.

United Airlines said a flight from Denver to Des Moines, Iowa, was delayed for six hours after passengers found three blood-feeding parasites in the cabin of the plane. The plane was given the go ahead to leave as soon as the three oil business men were kicked out.

Economy
According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Maybe this was Bush’s plan all along against illegal immigration, just ruining the economy down and waiting for them to leave.

According to a recent study, a great number of Mexicans are returning to their country because of the economic recession in the U.S. Things are so bad, Americans are not driving by Home Depot to pick up cheap labor anymore; THEY are at Home Depot waiting to be picked up.

Prime Minister Nourti al-Maliki and a handful of other Iraqi politicians handed out cold hard cash to people on the street of Iraq… Like our stimulus package, only more immediate.

Christie Brinkley
Christie Brinkley got full custody of her 2 kids plus all 18 properties she was fighting over with her husband in their divorce battle. It wasn’t all bad for Peter Cook; he got all the tissue paper that was around the 18 houses.

Media
The media had serious problems reporting what Jesse Jackson said about Obama. None of the reporters dared repeat the word "Nuts." Apparently, that’s exactly what reporters lacked.

Miss Universe
During the Miss Universe 2008 competition, Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, became the second Miss USA in a row to fall down during the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant. Apparently, starting next year, Miss US beauty pageants will include a Bikini, an Evening Gown, and a Fall competition.

Iran
Iran’s government condemned John McCain for joking about killing Iranians with cigarettes and said, “It was poorly done by a presidential candidate.” Because the good jokes in Iran start with: Two Jews walk in a bar...”

Cheney
The doctors that conducted Dick Cheney's annual checkup say that his heart is beating normally. Apparently, it does one beat per gallon of gas.

Comedians
"Variety" has released its list of "10 Comics to Watch." Or you can just watch Carlos Mencia and you’ll hear all the same jokes those 10 comics use.

Friday, July 11, 2008

July 11th 2008

Friday leftovers! Hey everybody send me a line with comments, ideas, suggestions
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend...

Chrysler Building
The government of Abu Dhabi has purchased the Chrysler Building in Manhattan. Now we all know where the safest tallest offices in the world are located.

Larry King
Larry King was honored in Hollywood Thursday with a portion of an LA street named after him. Unfortunately for Larry King, they picked up a street with no shoulders for the suspenders...

Seating
An Anaheim man set a Guinness World Record on Wednesday for "Most Seats Sat in 48 Hours" by sitting in 39,250 seats. The record was broken immediately by someone that ate jalapeños with salmonella.

Celebrity babies
OK magazine paid Jamie Lynn Spears $1 million, Jessica Alba $1.5 million and Mathew McConaughey $3 million for the picture of their recently born babies. Isn’t that traumatizing for the kids? How would those babies feel when they grow up and find out one is worth more than the other is? Shouldn’t the government have a fixed fee for celebrity babies?

Lighting
According to the National Weather Service, there's a one in 500,000 chance that you'll be struck by lightning in any given year. Still more chances than Nader has of being elected.

Gas
A new study from the University of Alabama at Birmingham has found that when gas prices go up the number of traffic deaths drops. Unfortunately, the number of heart attacks at the pumps triples.

Old
An elderly woman who reportedly had the power to lengthen men's penises has died. A-Rod got shocked for a second, but a call to Madonna put him at ease.

Study
A new study from Florida State University found that when people are in love, not only are they less likely to check out attractive people of the opposite sex, they're actually repulsed by them. As evidence they cited that both Ryan Seacrest and Anderson Cooper are repulsed by someone like Angelina Jolie.

Jail
A correctional officer found $55,000 at the St. Louis County Jail. They were all in coins scattered on the floor of the showers, but none of the inmates dared pick them up.

Iran
Iran apparently doctored photos of missile test-firings to look like they launched four instead of three missiles. When he heard the news, Bush immediately asked to hire the photographer to take the picture of his next fundraising.

Life
The "value of a statistical American life" is $6.9 million. The Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May a drop of nearly $1 million from just five years ago. So much so, last time I went to fill up my car I had to leave my two kids to pay for it.

The "value of a statistical American life" is $6.9 million. The Environmental Protection Agency reckoned in May a drop of nearly $1 million from just five years ago. So much so, terrorists now have to kidnap 20 Americans to exchange them for a German.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

July 10th 2008

Hey everybody I'm in Newsday this week! Thanks to the people at Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my jokes it is an honor to see my name next to real comedy writers...This is the link.

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun105758186jul10,0,2522524.story
Jesse Jackson
In a vulgar tirade caught on tape by Fox News, the Rev. Jesse Jackson said he wanted to "cut Barack Obama's nuts off.” Jackson later said he meant it as a compliment, because Obama has such a big pair of testicles that he was afraid somebody will step on them.

In a vulgar tirade caught on tape by Fox News, the Rev. Jesse Jackson said he wanted to "cut Barack Obama's nuts off.” “Don’t worry, I already took care of that,” said Michelle.

Jesse Jackson said that Obama is talking down to black people, but can you imagine the scandal if it was found out he was talking HIGH to black people?

Bull
Americans weren’t happy to find out we export bull semen among other things to Iran. The only ones pleased, the bulls.

It was known this Tuesday that the US exports massive amounts of bull semen to Iran. No wonder cows are mad!

It was known this Tuesday that the US exports bull semen to Iran. Why don’t we export bull crap? Because we have a lot of that here…

Studies
A new study from Gothenburg University in Sweden has found that 62% of women 70 years old and older say they're sexually satisfied. Come on A- Rod, there’s still a 48 % to take care of.

A new study has found keeping a food diary is the best way to lose weight. I don’t want to say Michael Moore is fat, but his food diary was longer than the book War and Peace, and that was only for Tuesday.

Ringo
Ringo Starr said Tuesday that he writes songs while on the treadmill. No wonder his solo career is going nowhere since he left the Beatles.

Ringo Starr said Tuesday that he writes songs while on the treadmill. He has to be careful, knowing Ringo Starr, he probably has an arrhythmic heart.

Tanker
The pentagon announced Wednesday that Boeing Co. and Northrop Grumman Corp., a French company, would have to submit new offers for an Air Force tanker contract. The French company claims they will make the best tanker for the pentagon because it is for their own interest. After all, the French need America to protect their asses.

Bat
A British woman found a baby bat in the padding pocket of her 34FF bra. Actually, with such a big pair of knockers she probably found a baby bat, Superman and the Fantastic 4 living in that bra.

Employee
A Japanese labor bureau has ruled that one of Toyota's top car engineers died from working too many hours. Employees at General Motors couldn’t be reach for comments because it was 2:20 when the media called and they had already clocked out.

McCain
John McCain’s campaign is worried because the presidential candidate has had problems using the teleprompter. They don’t care so much about McCain’s chances to win the elections, but rather his chances to have his drivers license suspended.

Babies
OK magazine paid Jamie Lynn Spears $1 million and Mathew McConaughey $3 million for the picture of their recently born babies. When Hillary heard about that, she called Bill to get home immediately and waited for him in Victoria’s Secret pants.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

July 9th 2008

G8
Many people were outraged to find out that during the G8 summit in Japan world leaders sat down to an 18-course gastronomic extravaganza. How can you expect to cut down gas emissions with an 18-course meal?

Many people were outraged to find out that during the G8 summit in Japan, which focus is on the food crisis in the world, leaders sat down to an 18-course gastronomic extravaganza. Some of them defended themselves by saying they understand the food crisis, especially the one they had at the table when the leader of Russia found that the Diced fatty tuna wasn’t fatty enough. That’s a food crisis!

Iran
Presidential candidate John McCain, reacted to a report of rising U.S. cigarette exports to Iran by saying it may be "a way of killing 'em." Apparently, he doesn’t want to bomb Iran anymore, but rather smoke them up.

Presidential candidate John McCain reacted to a report of rising U.S. cigarette exports to Iran by saying it may be "a way of killing 'em." Apparently, Iranian generals are planning to retaliate by sending the U.S. fatty food.

Bush
According to political analysts, a great number of Republicans don’t want president Bush at the GOP convention because it could hurt them. Their plan is to organize the convention at the White House, because Bush is never there.

Studies
The divorce rate in Iraq has soared since the start of the war. Couples are fighting about everything, from who takes the garbage out to who drives the suicide-bombing car.

Swedish researchers said on Tuesday that more 70-year-old women are having good sex more often. And that was only among the cast of Sex and the City.

Swedish researchers said on Tuesday that more 70-year-olds are having good sex more often. The research also said that young people are having less sex though, especially those who caught their grannies doing it...

Bodybuilders
Bodybuilders gathered in Venice Beach, California last week-end to compete for the title of Mr and Mrs. Muscle Beach. The competition drew the biggest audience ever. Apparently, it was the only chance for many to see some oil up close… the one the bodybuilders rub on their bodies.

Dogs
A new study reveals that Chihuahuas are one of the angriest and most aggressive breeds in the world. Apparently, Chihuahuas started to get mad since they lost their jobs as spoke dogs for Taco Bell.

A new study reveals that the dachshunds are the most aggressive dogs in the world. Dog the Bounty Hunter came in close second.

Global warming
California will require new cars to display stickers with their global warming score. I don’t want to say my Hummer scored low, but the sticker doesn’t have a number, it just says Bush.

Obama
According to some reports Barack Obama, 46, has been graying -- and quick -- since the presidential campaign started. “I told you; he’s getting White on his head,” said Nader.

During an interview in Access Hollywood, one of Obama’s daughters said that his father doesn’t like sweet. Who’s "Bitter" now, huh?

Jackass
Jackass star Steve-O told the press he hasn't touched a drug in four months. Apparently, as part of a new act, he doesn’t touch the drugs, he snorts them up his ass.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

July 8th 2008

Bush
In their first sit down as heads of state, President Bush called new Russian President Dmitry Medvedev a "smart" guy. Apparently, Bush saw the Russian president carrying a book.

President Bush turned 62 Sunday. As a present, his staff presented him with a wooden box made from a giant oak tree that fell on the White House lawn in 2007. The wooden Box came with a pretzel and card from the American people saying "Enjoy."

President Bush turned 62 Sunday; he had a cake with 62 candles, one for every supporter he still got left in the country.

President Bush says his greatest wish is for the world to be free of tyranny. He actually meant free of Tyra Banks, who apparently replaced the cartoon he used to watch at that hour.

Obama
Presidential candidate Barack Obama's plane landed unexpectedly in St. Louis on Monday after experiencing a mechanical problem on a trip from Chicago to Charlotte NC. In other news, photographers spotted Hillary Clinton walking away from the Chicago airport with stained mechanic pantsuits and a monkey wrench.

It was reported last week that Barack Obama is looking for a dog to take with him to the White House. Senator McCain doesn’t have that problem; he already has twelve pets: several dogs, three birds and Joe Lieberman.

Following the advice of Harry Truman who once said "If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog," Barack Obama said that they will take the former president’s advice and get a dog in the White House. Obama already made some calls to Snoop Doggy Dog.

Olympics
Sunday was a day in the U.S. for trials to qualify for the Olympics in China. Organizers were confused; they’d thought this year millions of Americans were trying for the speed walking competition, but they were just walking because they couldn’t afford to pay for gas.

Bozo
The man who played Bozo the Clown has died. It took almost two days to prepare the body for the funeral, and that was just trying to empty Bozo’s pockets.

Weird
Two faceless people with a membrane of skin stretched tightly over their eyes, noses and mouths have been spotted at several important fashion events. There were rumors that they were aliens until someone saw their eyes, mouth and nose in the back of their necks due to all the plastic surgeries they had had.

Fake
A 52-year-old Milwaukee-area man has been accused of faking heart attacks to avoid paying restaurant bills and cab fares. It was hard to spot a fake when so many people have real heart attacks after a normal American meal.

Tourism
According to the U.N. World Tourism Organization, there was a huge drop in the number of tourists that came to visit the U.S. The millions that did come to visit the U.S. are landlords checking their property.

Monday, July 07, 2008

July 7th 2008

Gas
A Pray at the Pump Movement, has been holding prayer vigils at gas stations across the country asking God to lower the price of gas. Apparently, they don’t know that God is first answering the prayers of those who wanted to lose weight by forcing people to walk and ride bicycles.

A Pray at the Pump Movement, has been holding prayer vigils at gas stations across the country asking God to lower the price of gas. Because you need to look at the sky for help, that’s where the price of gas went lately.

A Pray at the Pump Movement, has been holding prayer vigils at gas stations across the country asking God to lower the price of gas. Not to be confused with those kneeling near the cars trying to soak up the drops of gas or to siphon the neighbors' cars.

Senator John Warner of Virginia is proposing a return to the National Speed Limit of 55 mph so people can save money on gas. That’s really a lame idea, because if cars slow down by the time you arrive at the gas station the price already went up.

Starting next month, thousands of government employees in Utah will only work 4 days per week in an effort aimed at reducing energy costs and commuters' gasoline expenses. From now onwards, government employees in Utah will try to accomplish nothing in only 4 days per week.

A man in Kentucky paid for sexual favors with a $100 gas card. Nowadays that is the only way to go all-around-the-world with a $100 gas card.

Tomatoes
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Saturday revealed that jalapeño peppers are responsible for the salmonella outbreak and not tomatoes like it was first believed. Unfortunately, there’s no chance the Bush administration will release the tomatoes they had already sent to Guantanamo.

Coins
Officials have unveiled the prototype of the first U.S. coin with readable Braille characters. It reads: this is worth sh...

Officials have unveiled the prototype of the first U.S. coin with readable Braille characters. Blind people as a reference were using only the laughter of the Europeans every time they tried to pay with one of those US coins.

Pregnant Man
The so-called "pregnant man," gave birth Sunday to a healthy baby girl. The baby was all 7 lbs. of future conflicts and emotional scars.

The so-called "pregnant man," gave birth Sunday to a healthy baby girl. The delivery took long, after pushing for a couple of seconds he requested some beer, pizza and the football game on TV.

McCain
ABC News has learned that the McCain campaign has hired Mike DuHaime, former Giuliani’s campaign manager, as political director. The changes didn’t wait, especially when McCain announced he’ll make some changes Sunday at 9:11 PM.

Wax
A man tore the head from a controversial waxwork figure of Adolf Hitler on the opening day of Berlin's Madame Tussauds museum on Saturday. Later, Mel Gibson apologized and said he just wanted a souvenir.

Bozo
Larry Harmon, better known as Bozo the Clown, died Thursday of congestive heart failure. Fortunately, he left an active legacy in all the members of congress.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

July 3rd 2008

Obama
At a campaign stop in Missouri on Monday, a woman gave Barack Obama the shirt she was wearing. Wow, it took Obama months to do what Bush did in 7 years... leave people shirtless.

At a campaign stop in Missouri on Monday, a woman gave Barack Obama the shirt she was wearing. Bill Clinton immediately called Obama and asked if he could campaign with him.

Barack Obama attended one of his daughter’s soccer games this week. He’s not the only candidate to attend a soccer game; McCain did it too, but he was kicked out when he started screaming to the kids: "get off my lawn!"

Bomb
A man was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport on Wednesday after claiming to have a bomb in his backpack but no explosives were found, officials said. Apparently, he was just carrying a pirated copy of "The Guru"

Broccoli
A new study shows that broccoli can help fight prostate cancer. I don’t know prostate cancer, but prostate exams, for sure...

Watermelon
According to a recent study, watermelon has "natural enhancers" just like Viagra. I knew it, said Larry Craig, I always get aroused by a fruit.

According to a recent study, watermelon has "natural enhancers" just like Viagra. No wonder Ghallager’s old act continue to be so popular.

Pot
According to a recent study, almost half of all Americans have smoked pot. That’s great news for McCain; maybe that 50% of Americans can forget all the bad things Republicans did in the last 7 years.

Checks
According to a market research firm called the Adult Internet Market Research Company, since mid-May when the first stimulus checks were sent out, there's been a 20% to 30% rise in membership rates to adult websites. Apparently, people got it too literal when they heard about the stimulus package.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

July 2nd 2008

Happy
The United States ranks 16th in a poll on the happiest countries in the world. Experts believe the U.S should have done much worse due to the price of gas, the mortgage crisis and the inflation, but the fact that Bush is almost gone made lots of people happy.

Baldwin
Stephen Baldwin said he would leave the country if Barack Obama becomes president. This just in: Obama went up in the polls, now the rest of the Badlwin family is voting for him.

McCain
Senator John McCain is visiting Colombia and Mexico this week. He’ll discuss NAFTA in Colombia and pass by Mexico to pump some cheap gas.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. Ironically, in these presidential elections, he’s a contestant in jeopardy too... in jeopardy of dropping dead at any time.

John McCain said Tuesday he was a contestant on Jeopardy forty-three years ago when it aired daily on NBC. He lost right away because instead of answering in the form of a question, he would answer the questions with his name, rank and serial number.

Iran
On Monday, officials in the Iranian government announced that during president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's trip to Rome, a security screening device found three times the normal amount of radiation in his temporary residence. Or, as people in the Bush administration call it: planting evidence.

Youtube
The latest craze in Youtube is boob-punching videos, and not, it is not punching congressmen, just punching breasts.

Bartenders
According to the National Bartenders Association, bartenders across the U.S. are reporting a 30% drop in income, mostly in the DC area now that Ted Kennedy stopped drinking.

TV
According to a recent survey, 17% of women between the ages of 16 and 24 say they speed through sex just so they won't miss their favorite TV shows. The other 83% doesn’t worry because their male partners speed up for them.

According to a study by Mindset Media, people who go to three or more movies a month are 76% more creative that those who don’t. Apparently, the writers of "Get Smart," and "The Guru" never went to the movies.

Deal
According to internet rumors, Rush Limbaugh signed to continue his syndicated radio show through 2016 for $400 million. This just in: Pfizer stocks just went to the roof.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

July 1st 2008

Obama
According to a survey by the Strategic Counsel in Canada, Obama is the favorite presidential candidate among Canadians. It makes sense; Canadians know that if Obama wins, it is a great chance for them to get rid of all the Americans that went there when Bush won in 2004.

A person in Orlando Florida found cars painted with graffities against Barack Obama and special business cards left near the damaged vehicles contained negative messages about Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain. Apparently, the cards also said: For Smears call 1800-Karl-Rove.

Barack Obama called Bill Clinton and spoke with him on the phone for more than 20 minutes. The conversation turned awry when Bill asked Obama to use a higher-pitched voice and asked him what he was wearing.

Water
Two people caught skinny dipping in a Portland reservoir that is a main source of water for the city nearly caused officials to dump millions of gallons of water and close the facility. But they came to their senses; they bottled the water and now they are selling it as mineral water "Eau the Butte."

Naked
A man in Connecticut has been arrested after he allegedly strolled along Interstate 291 wearing nothing but a thong. What Giuliani wouldn’t do to call McCain’s attention for the VP nomination.

Campaign
It was reported Monday that independent pro-Republican groups are not getting enough donations in this campaign to attack Obama. They can always use Hillary’s strategy... run ads bashing Obama and later ask Obama to pay for them.

Rosie
The New York Post reported yesterday that Rosie O’Donnel broke with her partner Kelli Carpenter. Rosie clarified the rumors; apparently, she didn’t break with her girlfriend; she broke her girlfriend when she got on top.

Gas
According to UPS officials, the drivers of the company have been instructed to take mostly right turns to save money on gas. It is arguable though, our country has taken a right turn for the last 7 years and we have lost a lot of money...

Models
The BBC is airing Tuesday a new show similar to America’s Next Top Model, but with disabled contestants. It is called: Britain’s Next Paul McCartney’s wife.

Summer
According to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, Americans eat 818 hot dogs every second during summertime, and that’s only in Al Gore’s house.

Lunch
On Friday, a rich businessman from Hong Kong named Zhao Danyang bid $2.1 million in a charity auction just to have lunch with Warren Buffet. You can’t imagine his disappointment when he found out that Warren was actually the name of a buffet.

Pants
Over the past few months, several cities across the U.S. have been enacting "sagging pants" bans punishable with up to 3 months in jail. Way to encourage people to go on a diet.