February 27th 2009

Friday leftovers. Send me an e-mail if you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
have a great weekend. Pedro

Sources say that Guantanamo Bay abuse has worsened since Barack Obama took office. But it is just because it is Guantanamo’s Closing Torture Sale.

Vivid Video has offered California’s Octomom $1 million to make a porno. She actually offered to do it for free, as long as they let her take all samples she wants.

Vivid Video has offered the Octomom $1 million to make a porno. It is bad porn, all the money shots are inside a tube.

According to a recent survey, more than half of all dentists think $1 is an appropriate amount for the tooth fairy to give kids for every tooth. Today, the tooth fairy asked the government for a bailout.

The "New York Daily News" claims that Chris Brown is taking anger management classes. Unfortunately, he beat up the teacher because he failed the first exam.

The "New York Daily News" claims that Chris Brown is taking anger management classes. Sources say he’s a bully during recess.

Landscapers found 13,000-year-old tools in Colorado. Apparently, that’s the first sign of congress ever known.

Landscapers found 13,000-year-old tools in Colorado. And you know that across the street there’s a neighbor waiting to get those tools back.

In an interview broadcast Friday on ABC's "Good Morning America," Laura Bush said she has yet to cook a meal herself, because neighbors have been bringing over prepared dinners to welcome them to their new home in Dallas. Strangely enough, most neighbors prepared their delicious pretzel pies.

Former President George W. Bush and wife Laura made a surprise visit this morning to their neighborhood elementary school. Apparently, Laura wanted to talk to some teachers about education, and George wanted to complete second grade.

Former president Bush visited a Dallas-area elementary school Wednesday and when kids were asked who he was one kid said George Washington. Unfortunately for the former president, the rest of the class screamed in unison “The tool that crashed the economy and got my dad fired”

Former president Bush visited a Dallas-area elementary school Wednesday. It is a safe place for him; kid’s shoes are very small.

In an interview broadcast Friday on ABC's "Good Morning America," Laura Bush said that the only thing they don't have yet are the newspapers. Apparently, they were forced to use the only book they have at home for the bird cage.

British researchers said Thursday that adjectives like "dirty" and verbs like "squeeze" could disappear soon. Fortunately, Paris Hilton is working hard to keep those adjectives alive.

An Australian fitness trainer and ex-model said he is sticking to his pledge to gain more than 100 pounds to better understand overweight clients. I don’t want to be in these guy’s shoes, literally, poor shoes, especially after he gains the 100lbs.

February 26th 2009

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get a dog in April. Apparently, it took more than expected because it was really hard to find a dog that had paid all its taxes.

People magazine revealed that Obama will finally get his daughters a dog in April. The Obama's joke that Barack will be the official Pooper Scooper; after all, Obama has experience; he's been picking up all the crap Bush has left.

In his speech to Congress, President Obama said the U.S. does not torture. To prove he was wrong, Republicans chose Bobby Jindal to give the rebuttal speech . . .

Somewhere west of Eagle, Colorado, there's a cow elk wandering around with a bar stool stuck on its head. It is a funny story: an elk, a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar . . .

Chinese Internet users asked to probe the death of a man in custody who police say ran into a wall playing hide-and-seek blindfolded. They don't believe police is saying the truth, especially because a week later police reported the death of a person who died of starvation because he was hiding playing hide-and-seek and nobody found him . . .

Congress heard testimony Tuesday that a goose may have brought down a helicopter in Louisiana last month. It's funny how we always joked about going to war with Canada and we haven't realized that they started a while ago with their Canadian Geese attacks.

The baker that made the controversial Drunken Negro Face cookies in New York opened his bakery again after it closed for a couple of days to undergo "diversity training". He's happy to report that he's changed and that his famous Jew cookies are fried, not baked anymore.

The baker that made the controversial Drunken Negro Face cookies in New York opened his bakery again after it closed for a couple of days to undergo "diversity training". He's happy to report that he's changed and he is now selling "Tipsy African American Cookies."

February 25th 2009

During Obama’s speech in Congress, both Democrats and Republicans stood up to celebrate some of Obama’s words several times. The only person that remained seated throughout the entire night was Roland Burris, but just because he was afraid he was going to lose his seat.

According to the Nielsen Company, the average American watches roughly five hours of TV every day. Unfortunately, now in America when we talk about 9 to 5, it is not about work anymore but about the hours we spend in front of the TV set.

During Obama’s address to Congress on Tuesday, people started to feel Democrats were helping part of America. For example, between Biden and Pelosi, they both saved the plastic surgery industry.

Obama addressed congress Tuesday with a tremendous and articulate speech. Even Republicans were complimentary and said Obama is the Best African American President Ever!

Obama said during his speech on Tuesday that the United States of America does not torture. It was another of the Obama’s miracle when Cheney got up of his wheelchair and kicked the TV set.

According to a recent survey in the UK, one in five workers would have sex with their boss to get promoted. The other four would do it just to see what it feels like to be on top of the boss for once.

Local libertarians are proposing that the quickest and surest way of stopping the recession would be abolishing the income tax. It would be a great idea, assuming some people out there still have an income.

Florida wildlife managers have launched an experiment to see if they can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by temporarily taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their "homing" ability. Now, if you have a metal plate in any part of your body, you’re screwed.

Some Republicans are questioning the price of Obama’s future Marine One helicopters fleet. On Obama’s defense, the choppers cost is justifiable because it counts with cutting-edge communications equipment, missile defenses and the latest anti-head-bumping technology.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal delivered the Republican’s rebuttal to Obama’s speech. It seems the GOP wanted to use Jindal to get some of the Slumdog Millionaire bounce

Snuggie fans in Washington DC are getting together to spend the evening drinking and eating. And you know that to clean all the mess they are going to use a Shamwow.

NASA's Orbiting Carbon Observatory, a Taurus XL rocket, crashed into the ocean near Antarctica just after launch Tuesday. Maybe if NASA had used a Toyota Rocket instead of a Ford Taurus that wouldn’t have happened.

Madonna sent a care package full of kid's clothing to her adopted son's African orphanage. Madonna donated the clothes because her boyfriend had outgrown them.

Lawmakers in California want to legalize marijuana. Experts believe the taxation of marijuana can fix the financial crisis. But if it doesn’t, the legalization guarantees at least that nobody is going to have the energy to riot.

Lawmakers in California want to legalize marijuana. Experts believe the taxation of marijuana can fix the financial crisis and give us plenty of gold medals in the next Olympics.

February 24th 2009

The buzz over Hugh Jackman performance at the Oscar continues. His opening musical and most of his performance was labeled as quite gay. That’s why they are changing the name of his upcoming movie and series to the EX-man.

President Barack Obama's pick for commerce secretary is likely to be former Washington Gov. Gary Locke, the first Chinese-American to have headed a state government. It makes sense; China owns more than half of this country; it’s fair they have their own cabinet member...

A 21-year-old man wanted by the U.S. Army for desertion was arrested in Boulder Colorado over the weekend wearing a woman’s thong. They can’t claim he was going commando...

According to a recent survey in the UK, 1 in 5 workers would have sex with their boss to get promoted. The other four would just do it to keep their jobs.

Madonna sent a package full of clothing that her adopted son David has outgrown, back to the African orphanage she adopted him from. She also sent other baby’s clothes just worn by her new boyfriend.

A Cocker Spaniel fell off a 200-foot cliff and survived after jumping the cliff while chasing a bird.It was lucky Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger wasn’t flying around there...

The State Department warned college students not to travel to Mexico for spring break. They are concerned kids might be able to find a job there and never come back.

Charles Barkley may lose his deal with T-Mobile due to his recent DU and future imprisonment. Apparently, executives checked the Fav 5 on his phone and discovered that four of them were Julio, Jose, Jack and Jim... Don Julio, Jose Cuervo , Jack Daniels and Jim Beam

Charles Barkley may lose his deal with T-Mobile due to his recent DUI and future imprisonment. He didn't care, he'll have probably more bars than his cell phone.

Charles Barkley will have to serve somewhere between five-to-ten days in jail for his DUI arrest in Arizona. Isn’t it stupid to send someone with an alcohol problem to jail where he’ll be surrounded by bars?

February 23rd 2009

The kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire looked adorable at the Oscar ceremony, so much so, Angelina Jolie adopted some of them.

Sean Penn called the crowd "commie, homo-loving sons of guns" during his acceptance speech. Has he been listening to Rush or Hannity?

I had a hard time Sunday night; my computer broke down and I tried to get in touch with tech support. No luck... Everybody in India was watching the Oscars.

Producers of the Oscar ceremony said that the economic crisis was felt during the production of this year’s event. This year the goody bag actors got was from Wal-Mart, and most of the after parties were held at McDonalds, Taco Bell and some soup kitchens.

Suspended Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick will be released in July. There already are rumors of a movie about his life: Slam Dogs Millionaire.

Socks, the famous White House cat, who stalked the corridors of power during the Clinton's reign, has died at the age of 18. It was hard for the Clintons, especially for Bill; you know how much he hates to lose an 18-year-old pussy.

The movie “Madea Goes to Jail” is the number one movie in America. Apparently, Madea ends up in jail for all atrocities she committed against the movie industry.

A month after leaving the White House, former President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, moved into their new Dallas home Friday. Neighbors immediately knocked at Bush’s door and welcomed him with delicious pretzel pies.

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. And for some extra money people can ask for the body-scanning machines with air-brushing features.

According to the Wall Street Journal only 25% to 30% of ex-Bush officials seeking full-time jobs have succeeded. So if your McDonald burgers taste horrible, now you know who is flipping them.

President Barack Obama's $75 million foreclosure bill is generating some resistance among people, mostly from those who feel it’s unfair to help those who behaved irresponsibly buying homes they cannot afford, and also from tons of squatters.

According to a new study, the number of shark attacks went down last year. Actually, the number went up, but people are so hungry lately that most of the attacks are not reported because the sharks ended up as sushi.

A German businessman lost more than $13,000 in a public toilet. Gee! that must have been an expensive meal!

According to a new survey from “Health Plus" magazine, 77% women in their 40s say their sex lives are better now than ever before. The other 33% are still married or faithful to their husbands.

GM stocks have dropped to a 70 year low of $1.57. Stocks are so cheap now that when you buy a car they give you a windshield sun blocker made of their stocks.

During a speech in the East Room of the White House, Vice president Joe Biden gave the wrong website for people to follow how the government is spending the stimulus package. Apparently, instead of saying Recovery.gov, Joe Biden said hairrecovery.gov.

February 23rd 2009

The kids from the movie Slumdog Millionaire looked adorable at the Oscar ceremony, so much so, Angelina Jolie adopted some of them.

Sean Penn called the crowd "commie, homo-loving sons of guns" during his acceptance speech. Has he been listening to Rush or Hannity?

I had a hard time Sunday night; my computer broke down and I tried to get in touch with tech support. No luck... Everybody in India was watching the Oscars.

Producers of the Oscar ceremony said that the economic crisis was felt during the production of this year’s event. This year the goody bag actors got was from Wal-Mart, and most of the after parties were held at McDonalds, Taco Bell and some soup kitchens.

Suspended Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick will be released in July. There already are rumors of a movie about his life: Slam Dogs Millionaire.

Socks, the famous White House cat, who stalked the corridors of power during the Clinton's reign, has died at the age of 18. It was hard for the Clintons, especially for Bill; you know how much he hates to lose an 18-year-old pussy.

The movie “Madea Goes to Jail” is the number one movie in America. Apparently, Madea ends up in jail for all atrocities she committed against the movie industry.

A month after leaving the White House, former President George W. Bush and his wife, Laura, moved into their new Dallas home Friday. Neighbors immediately knocked at Bush’s door and welcomed him with delicious pretzel pies.

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. And for some extra money people can ask for the body-scanning machines with air-brushing features.

According to the Wall Street Journal only 25% to 30% of ex-Bush officials seeking full-time jobs have succeeded. So if your McDonald burgers taste horrible, now you know who is flipping them.

President Barack Obama's $75 million foreclosure bill is generating some resistance among people, mostly from those who feel it’s unfair to help those who behaved irresponsibly buying homes they cannot afford, and also from tons of squatters.

According to a new study, the number of shark attacks went down last year. Actually, the number went up, but people are so hungry lately that most of the attacks are not reported because the sharks ended up as sushi.

A German businessman lost more than $13,000 in a public toilet. Gee! that must have been an expensive meal!

According to a new survey from “Health Plus" magazine, 77% women in their 40s say their sex lives are better now than ever before. The other 33% are still married or faithful to their husbands.

GM stocks have dropped to a 70 year low of $1.57. Stocks are so cheap now that when you buy a car they give you a windshield sun blocker made of their stocks.

During a speech in the East Room of the White House, Vice president Joe Biden gave the wrong website for people to follow how the government is spending the stimulus package. Apparently, instead of saying Recovery.gov, Joe Biden said hairrecovery.gov.

February 20th 2009

Friday leftovers.... have a great weekend.
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Pedro

Michael Phelps will give a speech to business executives in Canada on how to achieve “High Performance” next month. Others speakers include Snoop Doggy Dog, Seth Rogan and Cheech & Chong.

As part of his job as a secretary of State, Hillary Clinton went abroad to Asia. Similar to what Bill did when she left: he went out with an Asian broad.

Black leaders are asking advertisers to boycott The New York Post for a controversial cartoon depicting cops shooting a monkey. The New York Post immediately wrote a response to the boycott idea: “Advertisers? What’s that?”

According to researchers from Trent University in Ontario, 10% of teens consider their virginity an embarrassing stigma that they need to get rid of. Fortunately for them, there are lots of adults willing to help them get rid of that stigma.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one in three American men between the ages of 22 and 34 still live at home with their parents. The other two live with their grandparents where their parents already live.

According to a firm that tracks private company financial performance called Sageworks, dentists are having a great year in this bad economy. Apparently, stressed people tend to grind their teeth, people want to use their dental insurance before they get fired, and people lose their teeth fighting at home for the only piece of bread.

Rihanna’s album sales have gone up since she was allegedly assaulted by Chris Brown a week and a half ago. You know what they say in show biz, a big hit helps album sales.

The state of Texas may allow hunters to shoot wild pigs from helicopters. “Honey, I have an idea for where your mom and her friends can spend some vacation time...”

February 19th 2009

Some people in the media are saying Obama is moving towards a Swedish model for the banks. It’ll be like IKEA; everyone we’ll have to build their own bank.

Katy Perry, the famous singer of “I Kissed a girl” puked backstage at the Brit Awards in London on Wednesday. Apparently, she kissed a girl, Amy Winehouse, and didn’t like it.

A southern Idaho couple got married at a funeral home. She had something old, something new and the blue thing was a corpse that was already there.
Please don’t tell me they planned the Honeymoon at a cemetery...

A person in New York got a kidney from a stranger who answered his craigslist ad looking for an organ donor. You know that considering it was Craigslist, he got tons of organ offers, but only one kidney.

A 53-year-old guy from Bridlington, England murdered his wife because she called out another man’s name in bed. Unfortunately for him, when she screamed “Oh Jesus!” she was not talking about the gardener.

The WGA protested Wednesday's live telecast of "American Idol," seeking improved working conditions for the show's "reality" TV writers. You’re telling me that the nonsensical comments Paula Abdul uses during the show are written by professional writers? Are they Sci-Fi writers?

A pilot at the London City Airport dropped his pants and exposed himself to security staff, after he got furious when they asked him to remove his shoes and belt. Unfortunately, he was immediately charged for not checking the two bags he showed.

A pilot at the London City Airport dropped his pants and exposed himself to security staff, after he got furious when they asked him to remove his shoes and belt. Nobody can say the pilot doesn’t have cojones... especially those who where there at the airport and saw what happened.

The New York Post caused a stir Wednesday for publishing a controversial cartoon many people considered racist. Even Imus cancelled his subscription to the newspaper.

The economy is so bad members of the KKK are poking holes in pages of the New York Post and using them as a hood.

The economy is so bad, women are fighting at weddings over the bouquet and also over the rice!

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. I’m personally buying Ann Coulter a ticket to Tulsa. Finally a chance to know if she’s a woman or a dude.

Tulsa International Airport has begun using body-scanning machines that look through clothing for hidden weapons. With Hillary gone, you know that Bill will apply for screener at Tulsa Airport now.

President Barack Obama unveiled a $75 billion program to help Americans recover their lost homes. Some people even say that lately he is personally doing a lot to help Republicans recover soon the house they just lost.

President Barack Obama unveiled a $75 billion program to help Americans stay in their homes. But you know that there’s no money in the world that would make Bill stay home now that Hillary is gone to Asia.

February 18th 2009

Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin’s 18-year-old daughter, said during an interview with Fox that everyone should be abstinent, but that that is not realistic. She might be right; we all know abstinence only works after marriage.

During an interview with Fox, and while discussing her daughter’s pregnancy, Sarah Palin said that there’s nothing wrong, life happens. “Yeah,” said the octuplet mom. “Life happens, life happens, life happens…”

New York's governor, David Paterson, has proposed a new 4% tax on all pornographic movies downloads. He hates porn; why do you think he went blind?

A California man, who spent four days in a coma and was about to be disconnected from life support, woke up just as his doctors were about to pull the plug. Unfortunately, he checked his 401K and is now suing the doctors for not unplugging him fast enough.

Australians may soon be charged for each flush under a radical new toilet tax designed to help beat the drought. It is a typical attack of the government on people’s privacy. Government should protect people’s first amendment and “number two” as well.

Australians may soon be charged for each flush under a radical new toilet tax designed to help beat the drought. At least they discarded they idea of taxing you by the Lb.

Australians may soon be charged for each flush under a radical new toilet tax designed to help beat the drought. And women though it was gross for men to go number one in the bathroom sink, they’d better learn how to do it now.

Bridges TV Network founder Muzzammil Hassan of Buffalo was arrested by police Friday for beheading his wife after an argument. Apparently, he lost his head during the discussion, and so did she.

Bridges TV Network founder Muzzammil Hassan of Buffalo was arrested by police Friday because during an argument about their marriage he beheaded his wife. Apparently, he was heard screaming, “I thought you gave it to somebody else!”

According to researchers at Reading University in England, the average cat kills about five small animals a year. Well some other cat must be killing 10 small animals a year, because the fatzo of my cat sleeps 24/7.

A-Rod gave a press conference where he told the media he used to inject himself twice a month with steroids but stopped in 2003. Nobody believed him, especially because he was sitting on one of those donut pillows.

A-Rod held a press conference Tuesday and told the media he’s not bigger than baseball... but with enough steroids he might get there one day.

“Friday 13th” is the number one movie in America. It is a really scary movie, especially the scene in which Jason discusses his 401K with Jim Kramer.

In an interview with a conservative talk show host, Rep. Michele Bachmann said that she opposes the stimulus package because we're "running out of rich people in this country.” Unfortunately, it seems that the number of dumb politicians continue to grow.

February 17th 2009

Nuclear submarines from Britain and France collided deep in the Atlantic Ocean this month, authorities said Monday. Apparently the accident occurred when the two submarines tried to avoid hitting a US airwaves plane that landed in the ocean.

Sam Donaldson, the famous and long time ABC reporter, is retiring from full-time work next week. According to the Network, his wig will continue working full time for another couple of years.

According to a recent survey of 11-year-olds:--nine in ten have heard their parents swear. The other one hasn’t been present yet when their parents checked their 401 K.

According to a recent survey the average 11-year-old hears his or her parents curse six times a week. Or every 2 minutes if you are Christian Bale’s son.

IHOP has brought back their all-you-can-eat pancakes promotion. The chosen time was no coincidence; experts know that by now most of the “I’m-going-to-lose-weight resolutions” are broken.

The economy is so bad; Miley Cyrus cut Billy Ray’s weekly allowance.

According to a recent survey, 78% of Americans say the economic crisis hasn't affected the amount of sex they're getting. The other 22% has sex.

The Jonas brothers told Britain's "Teen Now" magazine that the purity rings they wear don't mean they need to remain virgins until they're married. Today, Madonna sent the three of them a belated Valentine's Day card.

Today Obama signed the stimulus package. Republicans continue to say how big the package is, they haven’t seen anything yet, wait until it gets aroused.

According to a recent survey 66% of men and 58% of women say they're satisfied with their sex life. The rest have no extra marital affairs.

According to the government, the average age for a first marriage is 30 for women and 31 for men. Unfortunately, the average for divorce is 30 and half for women and 31 and a half for men.

A South Carolina sheriff says there will be no charges filed against swimmer Michael Phelps following the marijuana pipe photo. Michael Phelps was relieved and said that if they ever needed a urine sample for a drug test, they could always go the pool where he trains.

Police officials in New York say they'll test the use of Velcro handcuffs on out-of-control children in 22 schools in the city borough of Queens. “No need,” said some of the teachers; “we tested the regular handcuffs on some of them and they worked just fine.”

According to a survey conducted by the cable channel C-SPAN, former President George W. Bush was ranked 36th out of the 42 men who had been chief executive. He could have done much worse, but historians took into consideration all of his vacation time.

New York's governor, David Paterson has proposed a new 4% tax on all pornographic movie downloads. Why?? Said Bill, just when Hillary left for Asia .

New York's governor, David Paterson has proposed a new 4% tax on all pornographic movie downloads. Of course, it is easy for him, he can’t see them. To make it fair, why don’t we tax 1-900 calls as well?

February 16th 2009

Chris Brown changed his FaceBook status to "single" after the altercation with Rhianna. So, ladies, there you go…
That wasn’t the only part of the profile he changed. Where he lists his records, it now says “Battery and assault.”

According to a Dutch study published on Sunday, a widely available blood pressure pill could one day help people erase bad memories. The scientists claimed they have been testing the pills successfully on Republicans who apparently have forgotten who had been in power for the last 8 years.

A 13-year-old boy has become a father in England. It was pretty uncomfortable when the doctor slapped the father during the delivery thinking it was the baby that has just been born

A 13-year-old boy has become a father in England. Unfortunately, the father couldn’t be in the delivery room; apparently, he needed to retake a test for the sex-ed class he had failed.

The 13 year-old kid who became a father in England has reportedly demanded a DNA test to prove he really is a father after two other teenagers are said to have claimed they had slept with his girlfriend. I think Maury Popvich hit a double whammy here: slut teens and DNA test in one show.

George W. Bush will give his first post-presidency speech in Canada. He’s been preparing himself hard to hit the lecture circuit; he’s hired the best boxers to improve his reflexes to dodge shoes.

Researchers say that animals can actually plan for the future. Apparently, most animals sold all their stocks in 2006.

High school cheerleaders in Visalia, California, will have to submit to random drug tests. R. Kelly has offered his help to take the urine samples.

High school cheerleaders in Visalia, California, will have to submit random urine tests to prove they are not taking enhancing drugs, and also because Football players need to know which ones have no diseases.

Washington Governor Christine Gregoire was called for jury duty. Politicians never get be part of the jury; most of the time they get excluded because they know all the criminals.

Rapper M.I.A. gave birth to a baby boy last week. Apparently, the delivery had some complications: The baby didn't want to leave the womb because he was too embarrassed after what his mom wore at the Grammys.

Obama treated his wife Michelle to a Valentine's Day dinner at the upscale Table Fifty-Two, a restaurant in Chicago that is in high demand. Obama got the best seats of the place; well he didn’t, actually, Rod Blagojevich got them for him.

Obama and his wife Michelle were spotted leaving upscale Table Fifty-Two, a restaurant in Chicago, with the first lady toting what appeared to be a doggie bag. “Liar, liar,” screamed Rush Limbaugh and other Republicans, “Obama doesn’t even have a dog yet!”

Today is President's Day. Or as John McCain calls it, Monday.

George Bush was upset today, on President’s day. He was really mad and asked Laura, when is it going to be “Former President’s” day?

According to a leading expert, Psychologist Dr Lisa Turner, having frequent orgasms helps women in their professional lives, especially if you have the orgasms while doing it with your boss.

According to a leading expert, Psychologist Dr Lisa Turner, women who have frequent orgasms have an easier time concentrating. It is usually the other way around. Women who concentrate better have easier orgasms, because they can concentrate and think of Brad Pitt while doing it with their husbands.

A CVS Pharmacy in Dorchester, Massachusetts has been locking up its condoms in order to prevent shoplifting. Unfortunately, now they will be forced to lock the STD medicines and the pregnancy tests.

A CVS Pharmacy in Dorchester, Massachusetts has been locking up its condoms after a lot of people, who are too shy to ask for them, steal them. I admit; I did it a couple of times. I really get embarrassed when I have to ask for the extra-super-gigantic-large size condom.

February 13th 2009

Have a nice weekend you all. Pedro
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Commerce Secretary-designate Judd Gregg has withdrawn his nomination. Isn’t this a sign that the stimulus package is already working? Apparently, there are so many jobs available that people are rejecting them.

Commerce Secretary-designate Judd Gregg said he is withdrawing his nomination because he and Obama are functioning from a different set of views on many critical items of policy. Is that a fancy way to say he didn’t pay his taxes either?

Republican Senator Judd Gregg has withdrawn as Commerce Secretary. It was such a blow for president Obama that even Chris Brown said it was too much.

Police solved a church robbery after they got the thief’s DNA from a half-eaten doughnut the perpetrator left in a box full of doughnuts found in the church's kitchen. There were several suspects at first, starting with all the policemen that arrived to the crime scene.

Henrietta Hughes, a homeless mother who broke down while asking President Obama for help Tuesday, was offered a home soon after the town-hall meeting. Today, Ed McMahon was begging for tickets to attend the next Obama’s Town Hall meeting.

Southwest Airlines has been advertising on TV with a new slogan "Yes you can Sale." Shouldn’t that be the US Airways slogan: "Yes you can SAIL"?

In a playboy interview, Country Singer Kenney Chesney said he’s not gay and that he’s slept with over a hundred women. He just slept with them though. You know how tired you get after a long day of shoe shopping, followed by Mamma Mia at the movies, and a couple of Appletinis?

According to an insider, A-Rod is not dating Madonna anymore because he has enough bad publicity. And because people were noticing his boobs were bigger than hers after he admitted to steroids use.

Police said Thursday that they will investigate death threats against octuplet mom Nadya Suleman. So far, the main suspects are her other 6 kids.

Officials cleared out a Dallas-area elementary school briefly Thursday morning after a second-grade student brought a hand grenade. The kid claimed it was to attack a kid in third grade that usually arrives in his tank.

A suspect in a nationwide mortgage fraud scheme who fled the country was caught at the Canadian border with $70,000 stuffed in his cowboy boots, authorities said Wednesday. Even Bush begged him to throw those boots at him.

A suspect in a nationwide mortgage fraud scheme who fled the country was caught at the
Canadian border with $70,000 stuffed in his cowboy boots, authorities said Wednesday. Even Hillary was shocked by the size of his ankles.

A suspect in a nationwide mortgage fraud scheme who fled the country was caught at the Canadian border with $70,000 stuffed in his cowboy boots, authorities said Wednesday. We don’t know now if women were looking at him because of the size of those shoes or because of the money he was hiding inside.

According to a new online survey, around half of all recent divorcees say they lost most of their friends when their marriage ended, especially when they found out most of them were screwing their wives.

Due to the financial crisis, few women are getting jewelry for Saint Valentine, not because husbands don’t have money to afford them; they just don’t have enough money to cheat on them to justify the jewelry.

February 12th 2009

According to a recent survey 50% of the women said that if they had to get involved with a co-worker it would be their boss. The other 50% would rather sue him for sexual harassment.

Sarah Palin celebrated her 45th birthday Wednesday. And she did it like always with her traditional chocolate moose cake.

According to a recent survey, 60% of Americans who earn less than $75,000 a year say the economy has affected their relationship. Especially because the husband can’t afford a mistress anymore.

Things are looking up for Michael Phelps despite the fact that Kellogg’s dropped him as a spokesperson. Students across the country are campaigning to change the names of their schools to Michael Phelps High.

Many homeowners in Dallas who placed W shaped yard signs to welcome former president Bush complained somebody has been stole them. Apparently it was the very own Bush that doesn’t want anybody to know where he is at.

A 16-year-old German drank 45 shots of tequila in a drinking contest and died. His friends were really sad, not so much because he's gone, but because he stood everybody up with the tab.

McDonald's Corp. said sales climbed a solid 7.1 percent in January despite the economic crisis. Apparently people keep buying junk food because it is a faster and more pleasurable way to commit suicide. There’s a new soft drink in India that’s made from cow urine, known here as bud light.

A commercial satellite owned by an American company called Iridium Satellite collided with a Russian spy satellite. Apparently The american satellite was distracted texting Direct TV.

The eight CEOs of bailed out Wall Street banks testified before Congress yesterday. I don't wat to say they got yelled by some members of congress but even Christian Bale thought it was too much.

Authorities said a transient man convinced a woman that he was the drummer for the rock band Foreigner, stole her Corvette .The Police was able to catch him right away because he was the only drummer that wasn't driving a car with a Pizza Hut sign on top of it.

February 11th 2009

During Obama’s Town Hall meeting in Florida, a 19-year-old student told Obama he’s been working in McDonalds for 4 years but dreams of being a broadcaster. Today, McDonalds made his dream come true and assigned him to the intercom to take orders.

A combined 49.5 million people tuned in for President Obama’s first press conference Monday night. The number was high; apparently, unemployment offices had the TV on.

The New York Times says that a lot of women are having dreams about having sex with President Obama... a lot of women and all the men that work for MSNBC.

Singer Rhianna cancelled her 21st birthday party. Not to worry; she had her birthday bash on Saturday night.

Singer Rhianna cancelled her 21st birthday party. Apparently, they had a birthday pre-party and Chris Brown used her as a piñata.

Border Patrol reported Friday that its Texas border fence is only seventy miles from completion. It’s going to be hard to finish it though; the illegals that were building it decided to go back to Mexico.

Muzak Holdings has filed for bankruptcy. They should have seen it coming, especially when Obama said he was going to abolish torture.

Muzak Holdings has filed for bankruptcy. The news is going to be devastating for all the easy-listening musicians. Don’t worry; you’ll still be able to hear Kenny G on the phone, but because he’ll be forced to work as a telemarketer.

A porn-star/stripper lady in Louisiana known as drafty storm is running for a senate position against Senator David Vitter. The debates will be broadcast in Double C-Span.

A woman who ran an escort service servicing Wall Street gave an interview to ABC and said that some of the banks CEO’s were her clients. I don’t believe her, why would the banker pay to have sex if they have been screwing the country for free for years?

The Video game Guitar Hero is considering severing their ties with Alex Rodriguez after the steroids issue, because a game that plays music from heroin, cocaine and marihuana addicts can’t afford to stain its reputation.

The rumors continue about Michelle Obama being pregnant. Apparently, Obama gave her a baby bump this time.

The CEO's of eight banks that got billions from the government's bailout program arrived today in congress to discuss what they did with the money. I know they want to prove they are not over spending, but to arrive on bicycles and with a bag on a stick instead of a briefcase was too much.

Teens spend an average of 87 hours a year looking at online porno. And adults, way more than that looking at teens on the web.

Several members of an extremist Hindu group called Sri Ram Sena attacked and beat a group of women in Mangalore, India because they were hanging out at a bar. Today, they were signed by Def Jam Records.

According to a survey, 57% of people feel that being in a relationship makes it harder to stay slim, especially if you’re Tony Romo and you’re dating Jessica Simpson.

According to a study, nearly half of all Americans believe that sex helps take their mind off of problems. For the other half, their problem is sex.

R&B singer Chris Brown has pulled out of all of the events surrounding the NBA All Star game after being arrested and accused of assault. Organizers were concerned with the event schedule, because they would have wasted too much time with all the NBA players congratulating and high-fiving him.

February 10th 2009

Alex Rodriguez admitted today that he took steroids. Steroids cause testicular shrinkage, but in the case of Rodriquez, his testies only shrink during the playoffs.

Alex Rodriguez admitted today that he took steroids in 2003. He said he did it because he was young, stupid and naive. Things have changed; he’s now a little older.

Alex Rodriguez admitted today that he took steroids. What an irony... in one channel, we have Obama talking about his big package, and in another channel, Rodriguez talking about his small package.

A family in New York collected $1,100 in change over three and a half years, exactly what Christian Bale collected in his swear jar after a couple of hours of filming a movie.

A family in New York collected $1,100 in change over three and a half years. Apparently, they are going to continue collecting coins until they have enough for a couple of hours of parking on the streets of New York.

Siegfried & Roy will make a onetime return in Vegas on March 6 and will perform with tigers again for a charity event. To make it safe, this time they are going to perform with a Detroit Lion, which as we all know, are pretty harmless.

According to a recent survey by the Spelling Society, only one in four Americans think they have a problem with espelling.

According to a recent survey by the Spelling Society, only one in four Americans think they have a problem with spelling. The other three are sure.

According to a new study from the University of Maine, women find it sexy when guys take risks. That’s why Paris Hilton loves anybody that dates her.

Wrigley is suspending Chris Brown as its spokesman for Doublemint gum. Cover Girl make up products, Rhianna’s sponsor, just gave her a raise.

President Obama bumped his head boarding Marine One as he left for Indiana yesterday morning. So much adoration that it was bound to happen... his head has become too big for his body.

President Obama bumped his head boarding Marine One as he left for Indiana yesterday morning. I’m glad it was caught on video, or they would have said it was Chris Brown that beat him up.

During a press conference, president Obama said that his stimulus package has no pet projects. Not even a month as a president and he already broke a promise to his daughters.

A married guy in Spain told the truth for an entire year. He is easy to recognize; he’s the guy with the face that looks like Rhianna.

President Obama said he would accept an invitation and have a beer with Sean Hannity. It is a brilliant idea: when Hannity gets drunk and starts seeing two Obamas, he’ll commit suicide.

February 9th 2009

Senators worked on Saturday to discuss the stimulus package Obama wants to pass. The senators worked on the weekend? I guess we were right when we said Obama was like Jesus and can make miracles.

Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps has been dropped as the face of Kellogg’s after the marijuana incident. Marijuana advocates decided to boycott the company but keep forgetting.

Subway sandwiches will not drop Michael Phelps as a spokesman, despite his admission of smoking pot. And to honor him they won’t sell the sandwiches by inches like the 5-inch-sandwich, but by the grams.

Actor Christian Bale apologized to his fans for his latest tirade in the movie set of “Terminator Salvation” and said he overreacted because he was channeling too much of his character. Fortunately, Bale was not shooting a sequel of Brokeback Mountain.

During the shooting of the movie Terminator Salvation, Christian Bale insulted and mistreated a photography director that accidentally walked in the set while he was shooting a scene. Fortunately for Bale, there’s no audio yet of what Bale did to the guy that recorded the conversation.

During a show at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids Michigan, Jessica Simpson stopped a song because she forgot the lyrics. You know what they say about her, she can’t walk and chew gum, hot dogs, donuts, pork, roasted beef, chicken … at the same time.

Siegfried & Roy will make a one time return in Vegas on March 6 and will perform with tigers again for a charity event. Portions of the proceeds will benefit the Lou Ruvo Brain Institute. And portions of Roy will go to feeding starving animals in the Vegas Zoo.

The U.S. Census Bureau said in a report that a record 19 million homes are empty. And almost 30 million benches at the park are occupied.

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at ex-President George W. Bush faces trial next week. Apparently, he is sponsored by Nike and its new logo: “Just Throw It”

During a show at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids Michigan, Jessica Simpson stopped a song because she forgot the lyrics. Apparently, she got distracted when the ice cream truck drove buy.

The New York Daily News reports that Ann Coulter is under investigation by the Connecticut Elections Enforcement Commission for voter fraud. Apparently, she tried to vote as a woman.

During a show at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids Michigan, Jessica Simpson stopped a song because she forgot the lyrics. Apparently, instead of using teleprompter, someone wrote the lyrics in a food nutritional information label that she never read.

Singers Rhiana and Chris Brown were scheduled to perform last night at the Grammies but didn’t show up. Apparently, they were working on “a hit” before the show started.

Singer Chris Brown allegedly hit his girlfriend Rhiana. “She should have seen it coming with that last name,” said Whitney Houston.

Actor Christian Bale apologized to his fans for his latest tirade in the movie set of Terminator Salvation and said he over reacted because he was channeling too much of his character. It happened several times during the movie Batman, but thanks to the mask, nobody understood a word of what he was saying.

Siegfried & Roy will make a one time return in Vegas on March 6 and will perform with tigers again for a charity event. Nobody is afraid of an attack on Roy again because tigers don't like vegetables

The economy is so bad Christian Bale’s swear jar has more money than any Bank.

The economy is so bad they are even firing people at Monsterjob.com

February 6th 2009

Friday Leftovers. Shoot me an e-mail if you want to share your love at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a nice weekend.

According to a CNN survey, almost 50% of office romances lead to marriage. The other 50% lead to job promotions.

A guy in Serbia didn’t want to get married, so he cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. It doesn’t make sense; he won’t need it anyways when he gets married.

A 60-year-old Canadian woman has given birth to twins. The good thing for the kids is that they can breastfeed while crawling on the floor.

A 60-year-old Canadian woman has given birth to twins. By the time she gave birth to the second one, she had already forgotten she had given birth to another one.

The president of Elliot’s Hardware Store in Dallas offered former president Bush the position of greeter at his store. Following the example, today Satan extended an offer to Cheney to be the greeter in Hell.

The president of Elliot’s Hardware Store in Dallas offered former president Bush the position of greeter at his store. It is a brilliant idea, once the customers are in, try to ask Bush for the exit? They’ll be stuck in the store for hours.

The president of Elliot’s Hardware Store in Dallas offered former president Bush the position of greeter at his store. Who better to know about tools than the biggest one?

U.S Airways flights will start charging 7$ for pillows and blankets on domestic flights. They know that we all need pillows, because we need something to bite while we’re getting screwed by the airline.

U.S Airways flight will starts charging 7$ for pillows and blankets on domestic flights. That’s cheap compared to the $100 U.S. Airways charges for goggles and swimming fins.

A British official says that people who have more than two children are damaging the environment. Today, Al Gore ranted like Christian Bale against all the NBA players.

According to a recent poll, nearly half of American women would give up something special - like sex or chocolate - for a month in order to have an "awesome" St. Valentine. But that’s the problem, if they give up sex, they will never have a great St. Valentine.

The Southern California woman who gave birth to octuplets last week gave her first interview to NBC's Today Show. The woman’s publicist said she was staying at "an undisclosed location". How undisclosed can a place be when you have 8 babies crying?

The Washington Post reported that a gaze of raccoons have invaded the 18 acres of the White House grounds. Now that Dick Cheney is gone, nobody is shooting at them from the window.

The Washington Post reported that a gaze of raccoons have invaded the 18 acres of the White House grounds. Live traps with apples and peanut butter were set to catch them, but so far they have mostly caught all sort of big rats that did not leave the White House when Bush left.

A person in Florida called 911 while he was being arrested and asked the operator for more cops claiming he was being unfairly roughed up. When the other units showed up, they immediately helped the other cops to beat this guy up.

February 5th 2009

Russia's Prime Minister Vladimir Putin sold one of his paintings, a window inside a Russian log, for $1.2 million during a charity auction in St.Petersburg. The window is beautiful and if you pay close attention, you can even see Palin’s house on the other side.

Comcast has reportedly agreed to offer $10 to any subscriber who was offended by the 30 seconds of porn that showed frontal nudity in a channel in Arizona. That is, 1$ an inch.

Commercial airline crews reported more than two dozen emergency incidents due to collisions with birds in the past two years. Today, Southwest unveiled its latest technological advance in bird repellents: scarecrows on top of the engines.

All the preprinted Cardinals "championship" T-shirts are going to be sent to El Salvador and given to poor kids there. That makes Arizona one of the most generous states in America, because those kids also got tons of T-shirts from McCain at the end of 2008.

All the preprinted Cardinals "championship" T-shirts are going to be sent to El Salvador and given to poor kids there. Finally a smile on those kids’ faces who would rather wear an Official NFL T-shirt than a cheap “Vote McCain/Palin” one.

A group of kids in England tried to roast two puppies over a bonfire. Apparently, they read an advanced copy of Dick Cheney’s memoirs.

Jessica Simpson canceled a magazine cover because of criticism over her weight... and because the cover was for “Cattle and Farms.”

A 28-year-old Texas woman enlarged her breast to 38KKK. The mom of the octuplets called her today and asked if she could hang four from each boob.

President Barack Obama on Wednesday imposed $500,000 caps on senior executives pay for the most distressed financial institutions receiving federal bailout money. I think it is already affecting some of them because I saw them in line waiting at Denny’s to see if they could score a free breakfast.

President Barack Obama on Wednesday imposed $500,000 caps on senior executive pay for the most distressed financial institutions receiving federal bailout money. If CEO"S screwed the banks making $20 million bonuses, can you imagine now that they are going make only $500,000?

President Barack Obama on Wednesday imposed $500,000 caps on senior executives pay for the most distressed financial institutions receiving federal bailout money. Unfortunately for the CEO’s, their trophy wives are going to put a cap down there until they start making more money again.

According to a recent survey, three in four couples say they do the nasty more often when on vacation. The other couple is married.

According to a new study conducted at the NYU Stern School of Business, people enjoy TV more when they watch the commercials. The study was probably sponsored by several companies.

According to a new study conducted at the NYU Stern School of Business, people enjoy TV more when they watch the commercials, especially if you’re watching NBC, where people really need a break from some of the bad shows.

A national group is calling on President Barack Obama to deport his aunt, an illegal immigrant who was living in Boston. Obama says he'll agree as long as he can also deport his mother-in-law

During an interview with Chris Wallace, Nancy Pelosi made a mistake and said that 500 million Americans will continue to lose their jobs every month. She later claimed that she was joking, but with all the plastic surgeries she’s had nobody noticed she was smiling.

During a presentation about malaria education and eradication, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates released mosquitoes into the crowd at the TED technology conference in California and unlike windows users, nobody contracted a virus.

February 4th 2009

A Tucson television station broadcast of the Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted by about 10 seconds of pornographic material that displayed male frontal nudity. You should see the fight that broke out between my wife and my mother in-law to try to get the 3D glasses.

A Tucson TV station interrupted the Super Bowl with about 10 seconds of a pornographic movie, including male frontal nudity. Ironically, the mistake was made by Comcast and not Cox Cable.

The Senate voted Tuesday to give a tax break to new car buyers. You could also do like Tom Daschle: get a limousine and avoid paying taxes all together.

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. He claimed he didn’t know, but apparently, the trip in JetBlue was so long that his two eggs cracked.

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. The man felt embarrassed; authorities noticed the pigeons but nobody commented on the small rooster.

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. He should know better: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. Apparently, he is being accused of terrorism for trying to get birds on the plane to strike it down like they did with U.S. Airways.

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East. What’s the big deal? The man brought his own meal onboard.

A United Airlines jet returned safely to the Denver airport Tuesday after a bird was sucked into one of its engines shortly after takeoff. Authorities ruled out an accident and labeled it bird suicide. Apparently, the bird was depressed for the loss of the Cardinals.

Surgeons removed an organ donor’s kidney through her vagina. What’s the big deal? The woman that had octuplets had 16 removed in 5 minutes.

Former Senator Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be secretary of Health and Human Services after a controversy caused by his failure to report the service of a limousine and a driver as income and pay taxes on it. Ironically, had he taken TAXIS instead, he would have avoided the trouble.

Former Senator Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination to be secretary of Health and Human Services after a controversy caused by his failure to report the service of a limousine and a driver as income and pay taxes on it. The last person to be brought down by a limo driver was Princess Diana.

Congressional Republican leaders are complaining about the inclusion of $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint in the stimulus package. I sort of agree with them; wouldn’t we save a lot of money if we stopped buying Chinese toys instead?

Congressional Republican leaders are complaining about the inclusion of $75 million for "smoking cessation activities” in the stimulus package. I don’t think Obama will have any problem removing that part of the package.

General Motors Corp. is offering some money and a $25,000 car voucher for workers who retire early. And to have more success the car voucher GM is offering is for a Toyota.

Christian Bale has been captured on tape launching a foul-mouthed movie-set rant against a co-worker that interrupted a scene of a new movie. Shedding some light on why Heith Ledger overdosed on anti-depressants.

February 3rd 2009

A Tucson television station broadcast of the Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted by about 10 seconds of pornographic material that displayed male frontal nudity, making that the only sack the viewers saw in the entire game.

A Tucson television station broadcast of the Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted by about 10 seconds of pornographic material that displayed male frontal nudity. Ironically, the opposite happened to Bill Clinton; his porn movie was interrupted by 10 seconds of football.

Burger King announced today that its broiled-meat scented body spray is “back by popular demand,” just in time for Valentine’s Day. Today, Tony Romo ordered two cases to rekindle his relationship with Jessica Simpson.

A California baby was born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. His father said that he’ll remove the two extra fingers of his hands and give the fingers to former president Bush.

Britney Spears will cancel her upcoming tour if K-Fed's lawyers continue to block an agreement allowing her to take the kids on the road. Apparently, she needs the kids to drive the bus.

A groundhog took a bite out of mayor Bloomberg’s hand during Monday morning's annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo in West Brighton. Apparently, it was pissed because of an increase on his cave property tax.

A groundhog took a bite out of mayor Bloomberg’s hand during Monday morning's annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo in West Brighton. The Groundhog was immediately sent to the vet to be checked for rabies to see if it had contracted it from the mayor.

A groundhog took a bite out of mayor Bloomberg’s hand during Monday morning's annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo in West Brighton. And you know that most of the tax payers in New York wished the tradition of forecasting didn’t involve a groundhog, but rather a crocodile or a bear.

A library in Danville, Calif. is waiving all late fees for a book Hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger had checked out but lost during the recent incident in the Hudson River. Apparently, the name of the book was: “101 Goose Recipes.”

According to a recent survey, 55% of Republicans want Sarah Palin to be the face of their party. The other 45% want her to be the ass.

Jessica Simpson said she’s not fat and that her doctor told her she was way under 100. Unfortunately for her, he was talking about her IQ.

Some Arkansas lawmakers are trying to pass a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed handgun inside the church. Churches are really pushing for it because if the preacher carries a gun they can be sure you empty your pockets when they pass with their offering plates.

Commercial airline crews reported more than two dozen emergency incidents due to collisions with birds in the past two years. The information immediately caused the uproar of the association Birds Mothers Against Drunk Flying.

In Washington State, lawmakers are suggesting the idea of a 4-day school week leaving Fridays off. The idea is for school and parents to save money on gas and for kids to save money on ammunitions.

Alcohol consumption in Michigan is up 3.5%. It is a new game that caught up lately in Detroit; apparently, people drink every time the Detroit Lions lose.

Doctors say that sperm banks are actually doing well because of the bad economy, because it is the only investment that guarantees some growth.

February 2nd 2009

Punxsutawney Phil, the world's most famous groundhog, has seen his shadow which means the winter will last for six more weeks. Unfortunately Punxsutawney Phil won’t be able to see if he was right, because a mob of hungry people affected by the bad economy ate it.

Like every February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil was pulled from its stump by members of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle. Unfortunately, this time it wasn’t to predict the length of the winter; Punxsutawney Phil was just another victim of foreclosure.

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps was photographed by a British newspaper smoking from a bong. No wonder he eats 12,000 calories a day.

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps was photographed by a British newspaper smoking from a bong. He claims it was not marijuana; it was seaweed.

Olympic Champion Michael Phelps was photographed by a British newspaper smoking from a bong. Now we know why he is so fast. When he hears the gunshot before the competitions, he swims fast thinking it is the police.

Barack Obama's Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. Apparently, there’s a tendency for Georges to try to screw Obama.

Barack Obama's Kenyan half-brother George has been arrested by police in Nairobi on charges of possession of marijuana. It seems like a tradition that high ranked politicians have a brother than taints their names. Bill Clinton had his brother Roger, Jimmy Carter and his brother Billy, and Jeb his brother George

Barack Obama has been photographed mistaking a window for a door as he tried to enter the White House. He claimed he just saw Bill doing it so many times when he was president that he thought it was ok.

The Obama’s family is the cover of the latest edition of US weekly, but you cannot see the president because he’s covered by a picture of Jessica Simpson. To be fair with the magazine, they posted the picture in the back cover, but she is so big now that the picture takes part of the front as well.

A California baby was born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. His parents were really worried, not because of his health, but they are already thinking of how much money they’ll spend on his future texting bills.

A California baby was born with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. Today President Bush regretted the kid wasn’t born before so he could have put him in charge if our economy.

A captive reptile has unexpectedly become a father at the ripe old age of 111. Unfortunately, he couldn’t see the birth of the baby because he was on tour with Mick, Charlie and Ronnie.

The Republican Party chose its first black national chairman Friday: Michael Steele. The only other one they have close to a black was Mitt Romney after a tanning session.

White House lawyers want to control the commercial use of the president’s image. Apparently, they are tired of more and more people claiming Obama’s face has shown up in their toasts.

White House lawyers are concerned with the commercial use of Obama’s campaign slogan “Yes we can”. Apparently, most of the companies that are laying off people are using it to say “Yes You’re Canned”

White House lawyers want to control the commercial use of the president’s image. Even the KKK is using Obama’s face to try to recruit more members.

Dick Cheney celebrated his birthday on Friday. He blew the candles of the cake, one by one with a 45 caliber.