June 30th 2009

Dentists say a failure to brush and floss is bad for your long-term memory. Maybe that’s why the British act so pompous among us, forgetting we kicked their ass in the war.

A couple of guys from the UK have invented a clock which literally runs on dead bugs. Obama already installed one in the White House and feeds it flies all the time.

Michael Jackson's mother Katherine has been granted temporary guardianship of his kids. And today Joe bought a new set of belts.

According to a recent study, one in four people can't spell the word "February". The other three are subscribed to Playboy.

Michael jackson's mother Katherine was granted temporary custody of Michael's three children . Expect a new reality show: Joe & Kate plus 7… Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and the three new ones.

Pitchman Billy Mays didn’t die from a head trauma. Apparently it was just intoxication from the fumes of so much “Just for Men”

Abigail Breslin, the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine”, had her allowance raised from $1 to $13 per week. Already $2 higher than Billy Ray Cyrus’.

President Obama was interrupted by a ringtone with the sound of a duck during a speech. How lucky this person was Dick Cheney was not there or he would have shot his ass.

The annual BET Awards aired Sunday. It was mostly a tribute to Michael Jackson, and during the commercials a tribute to Billy Mays.

A 5-year-old boy was the only survivor of a plane crash off the coast of the island nation of Comoros. Apparently the kid was going to do anything he could to avoid Michael Jackson.

Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now Billy Mays died. Gee I didn’t know we needed some many celebrities dying to finally stop talking about Jon & Kate.

June 29th 2009

A Connecticut minister tried to exorcise "gay demons" from a teenage boy. Apparently, instead of a bible and blessed water, the minister used the sports section of the paper and old spice.

According to a recent survey, two in three Americans say there's more loneliness in today's society. The other one didn’t want to answer and asked the pollster to leave him alone.

It was proven this week that death comes in threes: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Mark Sanford's political career.

The media reported that paramedics tried for almost one hour to resuscitate Michael Jackson. Maybe if they had used an 8-year-old to give him mouth to mouth he would have woken up right away.

The media reported that paramedics tried for almost one hour to resuscitate Michael Jackson. Actually, it was a couple of minutes; they used the rest of the time to try to stick the nose back after they unglued it giving him mouth to mouth.

After the attempts to revive Michael Jackson failed, he was driven off in his own NAMBulance.

For the first time, an image of a memory being made at the cellular level has been captured by scientists. It is an incredible, tiny picture because it is from the memory of a Republican.

Authorities said a man using the drive-through at a Tallahassee bank deposited $200 and a small bag containing marijuana and cocaine. He’s a smart man; he doesn’t want to blow his savings.

Billy Mays, TV salesman, died Sunday. But if you call right now, God is willing to throw in, the Sham Wow guy and a bunch of hosts of QVC.

Billy Mays, TV salesman, died Sunday. Apparently his heart went “Kaboom”.

According to a recent survey, four in five Americans think it's easier to stay in touch with family. But just because of the recession… they are forced to live in the same house.

The annual BET Awards aired Sunday. It was mostly a tribute to Michael Jackson, and during the commercials a tribute to Billy Mays.

A former John Edwards aide says the ex-senator and his former mistress, Rielle Hunter, once made a sex tape. It is nothing exciting, Edwards stops having sex every two seconds to ask for a make-up and hair artists.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went back to work on Friday. He’ll do anything he can to avoid being at home with his wife.

The House of Representatives on Friday paid tribute to Michael Jackson. They had a moment of silence and some of the pages poured Jesus juice on the floor.

Officials for the Chicago Public School system announce that starting this fall, they'll begin testing students for STD’s. Apparently, teachers were tired of getting the crabs.

June 26th 2009

Hey everybody, I got to share this, I just played with grammy award winner, Arturo Sandoval! he let me play a song with him, so I great way to finish the week. http://www.bobrivers.com/#v9850
(3 minutes in)

Not so many jokes but some, I promise tons for Monday. Have a great weekend. Pedro (share your love at pedrobartes@hotmail.com)

Nobody knows exactly who broke out the news of Michael Jackson's death. Some reporters speculate it was TMZ, others LA Times, but most reporters believe it was the South Carolina governor.

Sean Hannity said that because he once was a waiter and tended bars for years he always tips 100%, especially if the one waiting is Alan Colmes.

A North Carolina-based group celebrates today “Take Your Dog to Work Day.” Thank you, but I pass; I work in a Korean restaurant.

A North Carolina-based group celebrates today “Take Your Dog to Work Day.” My mother-in-law is going to be so thrilled to come to my office.

A new poll found half of the state's voters in South Carolina want the governor Mark Sanford to quit. The other half wants him to take a hike.

According to a new report by Press Ganey Associates, the average emergency room wait time is four hours and three minutes. And that just to see the receptionist.

June 25th 2009

Two of the possible Republican presidential candidates for 2012 admitted to having had affairs with women. And now both Republicans and Democrats are fantasizing about Sarah Palin running for the presidency.

Two of the possible Republican presidential candidates for 2012 admitted to having had affairs with women. It is getting difficult for the GOP. Apparently, the new qualifications for future candidates are: fiscally responsible, tough in foreign policies and spayed or neutered.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted he is having an affair with an Argentinean woman. It didn’t make the headlines in Argentina; they are used to Americans screwing them.

Barack Obama will throw out the first pitch at the Major League Baseball All-Star game in July. He’s been practicing a lot, he throws the ball, and Biden fetches it back…

According to the National Prison Rape Elimination Commission 60,000 inmates are raped in prison every year. I know that deep inside you’re hoping Bernie Madoff is one of them….

A Phoenix restaurant serves a four patty hamburger with 8,000 calories. The restaurant can sit a lot of customers or only two regulars.

A prostitute in Oklahoma traded sex for a box of Frito-Lay chips. And today Elliot Spitzer loaded his pockets with boxes of Frito-Lay chips, and started walking the streets of New York.

A prostitute in Oklahoma traded sex for a box of Frito-Lay chips. It was a cheap lay.

June 24th 2009

As part of his plea deal, Chris Brown will be picking up garbage for six months. Reality check when he finds some of his CD’s…

President Obama says he doesn't smoke in front of his kids. Apparently, he sees them once a year.

President Obama admitted during a press conference that he sneaks once in a while a cigarette. Now we know why he greets Michelle with the pound, so she doesn’t see her yellow nails.

Nevada senator John Ensign gave his GOP colleagues a two-minute apology for his affair. Apparently, an affair with a woman of legal age is more like a Democrat thing.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy says burkhas aren't welcomed in his country… unless Susan Boyle is on tour.

The federal government study on prison rape is out. And if you go to jail, the best advice is to buy the book and use it as a shield to cover your butt.

Police say a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of beer overturned in Vermont and closed a highway for several hours. And weirdly enough, police also reported of another truck with pretzels overturning in the same area.

Police say a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of beer overturned in Vermont and closed a highway for several hours. Actually, the truck was hauling 41,000 pounds, and they found the other 1000 when the driver took a leak.

Dick Cheney’s new book is expected to be published in Spring 2011, a few months after President George W. Bush's book comes out. Apparently, Cheney’s book will explain everything Bush wrote in his.

During a press conference, president Obama answered a question made by an Iranian still courageous enough to be communicating online. And yes, the president said “Boxers.”

Questions still remain unanswered about South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford vanishing for some days on Father’s day. Come on; he is not the first father to run away from an ugly tie and a pair of socks

June 23rd 2009

South Carolina GOP Gov. Mark Sanford showed up after gone missing for 4 days. Apparently this year it was time to spend father’s day with the kids of all his mistresses.

South Carolina GOP Gov. Mark Sanford went missing for 4 days. Unfortunately for South Carolina, he is back.

Doctors say that Chaz Bono needs to lose weight before sexual reassignment surgery. So at least she can see it.

The federal government is spending $423,500 to find out why men don't like using condoms. It is expensive because they have to keep practicing and practicing with prostitutes.

Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to See the film "Up". Which he discovered wasn’t about his ratings.

A man in New Jersey impersonated a police officer using his "geek squad" badge to trick a hooker into having sex with him for free. She suspected something was wrong when the guy tried to make love to her with the pants on and pointing at her boobies.

An estimated 27 million people worldwide still live as slaves. Weird, I thought there were more married guys.

Researchers from Tohoku University in Japan have found that chubby people live longer than skinny people. Especially if they fall on top of them.

The woman whom John Edwards had an affair is shopping a tell-all book proposal dishing about the sex scandal. Apparently she needs the money to get Edwards a present for father’s day.

Megan Fox apologized to a kid she ignored last week. The kid is willing to accept the apology as long as she flashes him.

Britney Spears might be part of a movie in which she creates a time machine and travels back… to a time when she was hotter and mentally sane.

An airline company has launched the world's first pets-only flights dedicated to animal-friendly travel. And today Cat Stevens, Snoop Doggy Dog and Dog the Bounty Hunter booked already a flight.

June 22nd 2009

Yesterday was Father’s Day. It was really emotional for Letterman when his son gave him as a present a new comedy writer for his show.

A US couple had the world’s first weightless wedding in zero gravity conditions. And like with any other couple, the wife gained all the pounds back immediately after the weeding.

Secretary Clinton underwent a two hour surgery to successfully repair her fractured right elbow. Poor Bill, she had a bionic arm installed and now she can toss dishes at more than 200 mph.

According to U.N. food officials there are 100 million more people who are hungry. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh went to a restaurant and had seconds.

According to U.N. food officials, one in six people are hungry. Sweet. Does that mean we have more models?

A Chicago couple got married with swine flu. Everything was ok until the groom realized the best man also had swine flu.

A Chicago couple got married with swine flu. It was the first time everybody ran away when the bride tossed the bouquet.

A Minnesota woman accused of sharing 24 songs over the Internet will have to pay $1.92 million, almost $80,000 a song. $ 80,000 a song? And then you wonder why people download music illegally.

Steve Jobs had a liver transplant. Unfortunately for him, it only works in areas where AT&T is available.

A Pennsylvania borough wants pedestrians to wave an orange flag every time they cross the streets. Drivers are happy, because it’ll make it easier to aim at them.

A German company is planning on selling gold from vending machines. I can imagine spending almost 2 days trying to flatten $10,000 in $1bills.

A Canadian man was apprehended by Washington state police after driving his rental car 3 miles in reverse on the interstate. He was let go, when they found out he was French Canadian.

Fresh Prince Co-star Janet Hubert is ready to unleash a tell-all book that reveals the “dark” side of Will Smith. It probably won’t include any of his rap songs.

According to an Associated Press, the U.S. exported $96 million in goods to Iran from January through April. Among those goods we exported: soybeans, wheat, and Florida electorate officials.

A New Jersey state lawmaker wants to make it a crime for drivers to touch the screen of a GPS while driving. Apparently, they want to do anything they can to avoid those who are in New Jersey to find a way out of there.

Emilio Navarro, who at 103 is the oldest living professional baseball player, threw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Oakland Athletics-San Diego Padres game on Saturday. He was signed by the Nationals on Monday.

Emilio Navarro, who at 103 is believed to be the oldest living professional baseball player, threw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Oakland Athletics-San Diego Padres game on Saturday… he also threw his hip.

Representative Michelle Bachman from Minnesota says she won't answer the questions on her Census form. So now we know that after the census we need to add one more to the column of crazy people.

The federal government has spent nearly half a million dollars to fund a study to find out why some men would prefer not to wear condoms during sex. They could have saved all that money and just asked Elliot Spitzer.

A 28-year-old California man will spend 6 months in prison for burning illegal copies of the Mike Myers bomb "The Love Guru". The complaint didn’t come from the producers of the movie, but rather from those who downloaded it illegally.

June 19th 2009

Have a great weekend! Man I know I need it... If you want to send me any e-mail with comments, ideas or just to say Hi, please do it at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com


The U.S. Senate on Thursday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for the wrongs of slavery. Hopefully, African-Americans will take the example and apologize for all the Tyler Perry movies.

The U.S. Senate on Thursday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for the wrongs of slavery. But instead of the forty acres and the mule, reparations will consist on some house in Detroit, and a GM car.

The U.S. Senate on Thursday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for the wrongs of slavery. It took the senate 145 years to apologize; even FEMA would be faster than that!

The U.S. Senate on Thursday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for the wrongs of slavery. And today Fox News started a countdown to start using the N word.

There’s going to be a "Mission: Impossible 4.” This time, the mission is to get someone in the Republican Party to attack Rush Limbaugh and then stand by it.

The U.S. Congress on Thursday sent President Barack Obama a $106 billion bill to pay for the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Obama is likely to sign it as long as he can add a couple of billions to spend on flyswatters.

A Continental airlines pilot died during a flight from Brussels to Newark... Anything to avoid landing in New Jersey…

A woman in England with 36 double-g breasts is going to skydive topless for charity. She is going to use her bra as a parachute.

A 62-year-old man from Scotland has given his daughter the ultimate wedding gift by donating one of his kidneys. Apparently, she was registered in Target, Sears and the Organ black market.

A 62-year-old man from Scotland has given his daughter the ultimate wedding gift by donating one of his kidneys. Considering that the kidney is from a 62-year-old Irish person, it will only be useful for the wedding ceremony, but then she might need a new one.

Japanese intelligence has learned that Kim Jong Il plans to fire a rocket at Hawaii. Apparently, Kin Jong Il is using his Taepodong to get lei.

June 18th 2009

Hillary Clinton fell and fractured her right elbow yesterday. Weird day for the Clintons, because Bill claims he slipped in the shower and that is how he got a black eye.

A Chinese city is mandating a one dog per family policy… when they are on a diet.

According to a survey, only about one in four women think about sex every day. She is easy to spot, the one with the husband with a smile.

A new study shows that people who have a purpose in life live longer. So you’re telling me that Rush hoping Obama fails is going to make him live longer?

Iran photoshopped Ahmadinejad's victory rally to make it look bigger than it was. Is this guy available for my eharmony.com picture profile?

Iran photoshopped Ahmadinejad's victory rally to make it look bigger than it was. Maybe next time there’s a “fire David Letterman” rally, he can make a couple of bucks in the US.

A woman in England with 36 double-g breasts is going to skydive topless for charity. The difficult part is going to be to stop her bouncing when she lands.

Former president Bush said during a speech yesterday that Government does not create wealth. I agree said Cheney with a cigar in his mouth while cashing some of his Halliburton stocks.

Some conservative websites made fun of Michele Obama’s harvest yesterday at the White House garden, saying that it was impossible for the vegetables to grow that fast. Maybe they didn’t consider that the ton of crap we had in the last 8 years of the Bush administration could have acted as a fertilizer.

June 17th 2009

Iran is using Twitter to update people on the election. Unfortunately, the 140 characters are enough to write half the name of any candidate.

The FDA says Zicam nasal spray can permanently damage your sense of smell. And today its sales in New Jersey skyrocketed.

The FDA says Zicam nasal spray can permanently damage your sense of smell. You’d better use it a lot if you’re planning to go and see “Land of the Lost” this weekend.

During an interview with CNBC, President Obama killed a fly. Now ultra-liberals are complaining because the bug didn’t have a fair trial first.

During an interview with CNBC, President Obama killed a fly. Rumors are the fly was around Obama because some of his economic policies stink.

During an interview with CNBC, President Obama killed a fly. Immediately after that, Cheney went to Fox and accused the president for missing the chance to torture the fly and find information about other bugs in America.

Miller-Coors is sending 8,000 cases of beer to troops in the Middle East to help them celebrate the Fourth of July. The Iraqi insertion is contributing with fireworks and bombs.

According to a recent survey, one in four women climax every time they do the deed. The other one didn’t meet me yet.

According to a recent survey, three in four men climax every time they do the deed. The other one had the TV with Susan Boyle on.

According to a new study, having a purpose in life can cut your risk of dying. My wife is going to live forever because her purpose in life is to make me miserable.

A Miami priest who left the Catholic Church married his girlfriend. How ironic is that? In 2 years, he’ll probably have as much sex as when he was celibate.

Republican Sen. John Ensign of Nevada admitted Tuesday he had an extramarital affair. It was the perfect time for politicians to announce any scandal, because after what happened with Palin, none of the Tonight Show hosts would dare joke about anything.

June 16th 2009

Paul McCartney is trying to get the world to adopt Meat-Free Mondays. African kids must love the Beatles because they go no-food Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…

Paul McCartney is trying to get the world to adopt Meat-Free Mondays. “It ain’t that hard,” said Chastity Bono, I can go meat-free Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesday…

Breastfed babies appear to do better in school and are more likely to attend college. Which means that Pamela Anderson’s kids are going to Harvard.

A legislative aid for Sen. Diane Black sent an e-mail that depicts the Presidents of the United States with President Barack Obama as a pair of eyes in a black background. Now he claims he wasn’t racist, it’s just that Bush screwed the economy so much, not even The White House can afford the electricity bill.

A South Carolina GOP activist got in trouble for saying that a gorilla that escaped from a zoo was an "ancestor" of Michelle Obama’s. Republicans were infuriated with him, not so much for the racist comments, but because that would prove the theory of evolution…

David Letterman apologized to Sarah Palin and her daughters for a joke he made about them. Everybody is saying now that Palin should be a bigger person and accept the apology, ironically fat Rush said no.

MySpace is cutting its staff by 30 percent. Things are so bad, the media found out by a posting Tom did on his Facebook

NASA will try to launch space shuttle Endeavour again Wednesday, after repairing a hydrogen gas leak that thwarted the first attempt. NASA officials can’t wait for the Endeavour to come back because after this mission they will give the old clunker to GM for $4000 bucks.

A tiny microbe woke up after more than 120,000 years trapped beneath a block of ice in Greenland. But it was so chilly, it immediately hit the snooze button and went back to sleep.

London police suspects Lindsay Lohan stole some jewelry from a magazine photo shoot. This is not the first time she is being accused of stealing; everybody that saw her latest movies thought they were robbed.

A Montana festival will host a lying contest. They already declared the winners as local politicians claimed they wouldn’t attend because they are too busy working.

Some people believe Letterman apologized because Republicans can’t take a joke. Of course they can, they voted for Bush twice.

June 15th 2009

Two million Americans who didn't get the digital box in time are now without television reception. The government expects some acts of violence, not because they are mad about the change, but because some families were forced to talk to each other for the first time in their lives.

Two million Americans who didn't get the digital box in time are now without television reception. Lucky them! They were not forced to watch Sarah Palin whining about Letterman.

A study says that poor sleep quality could increase a person's risk of death. Yeah… my neighbor’s… because I will kill him if he doesn’t lower the volume of his stereo.

British researchers say stress can help a person live longer. It is obvious my wife wants me to live forever.

President Obama wrote a note for a ten year old girl who missed school to hear him speak. And Bill Clinton asked the president if he could write a bunch of those notes for him to use them as an excuse next time he gets home late.

A notebook found by investigators reveals that the Holocaust Museum shooter, James von Brunn, had also other targets in mind, like the White House, the Washington Post, and a FOX News location. Actually the Fox News location was the place for him to rest, recharge himself of hate, and continue the shooting.

A dog that ran off from its owner in Seattle's Seward Park found and ate some marijuana and got high. The owner said the dog is fine, and is now starting its rap career.

David Carradine’s funeral was held on Saturday. Things went a little bit awkward when they lowered the coffin into the grave and mistakenly used the rope he had tied around his testicles.

David Carradine’s funeral was held on Saturday. Things went a little bit awkward when they lowered the coffin into the grave and mistakenly tied the rope around his testicles.

David Carradine’s funeral was held on Saturday. Reporters were not allowed in; they were left hanging outside.

David Carradine hanged himself during an autoerotic sex act. I blame the family for having him on such a short leash.

The U.S. amusement park chain Six Flags, Inc filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Saturday. Ironically, the rollercoaster market was the one to take them to the ground.

David Letterman apologized for a joke about Palin’s 14-year-old daughter. He said that if he knew she was 14, he should have used Woody Allen instead of A-Rod.

Special Olympic Games’ organizers cancelled Carrie Prejean as a presenter of medals. But they told her that she’s welcomed to come back as a contestant.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad said the riots are completely unjustified, because everybody knew the Lakers were going to win.

CIA Chief Leon Panetta says it seems like Dick Cheney almost wants the U.S. to be attacked. Cheney immediately corrected him; the “almost” is unnecessary.

Air France couldn’t find yet the "black box" recorders that could hold the key to its plunge into the Atlantic. Maybe if Airlines started calling it “White Box” investigators would launch a more thorough search.

A pair of jeans the size of six tennis courts, should be recognized by Guinness World Records as the biggest anywhere… but just because Kirstie Alley didn’t submit hers.

June 11th 2009

Carrie Prejean has been dethroned as Miss California USA for "contract violations,". She is expected to return the crown and the fake boobies today at 5.

Donald Trump decided to dethrone Carrie Prejean of her Miss California USA title. Sorry but that’s kind of gay.

The English language added its millionth word yesterday. Why so many? I only need 144 characters to share my life in twitter.

A new study from the University of California at San Diego has found that a nap can improve creative problem solving. Awesome maybe it can help me think how to find a new job after I got fired for being caught sleeping at work.

During an interview with ABC, Rep. Eric Cantor predicted that the GOP will win by a landslide in 2010. So it means the GOP will continue with their mudslinging until they completely cover the Democrats.

During an interview with ABC, Rep. Eric Cantor predicted a Republican victory in 2010 because people want a check and a balance in Congress. He got half right, people want a check every 15 days, and thanks to the last administration most of us haven’t seen one in a long time.

An Israeli woman mistakenly threw out a mattress with almost $1 million inside. It was all in porn magazine.

An Israeli woman mistakenly threw out a mattress with almost $1 million inside. Another bank collapsing….

The tropical Pacific island nation of Palau announced Wednesday it will accept up to 17 detainees from Guantanamo Bay. Apparently they find them less annoying and scary than American tourists.

People in Lithuania eat crow meat to improve a man’s sexual potency. I ought to try it; after all I got tons of crows hovering around my bed when I’m doing it with my wife because they think she is dead.

June 10th 2009

Adam Lambert has officially announced that he is gay. Come on, even the blind contestant of American Idol saw that coming.

Mariah Carey has gained 15 pounds since she started recording her new album. She can’t wait to finish it, because all the stress of recording is not letting her eat.

There's a new shoe out with a built-in GPS device that helps keep track of old people with Alzheimer. Imagine your surprise when you discover that this entire time grandpa was wandering around, he was at the whore house.

Studies show that schools that pay their students to get good grades actually get results. The only problem is that with unemployment so high, most of those students are probably Harvard graduates that went back to school just to make a quick buck.

According to a recent survey, two in three couples say their love-making has become more passionate over the years. The other couple is still doing it with each other.

A Philadelphia bank was robbed by someone in their 70’s according to surveillance footage. The images are not clear but the fact that the thief used a Hovearound as a getaway vehicle confirms the theory.

A British tabloid claims that Madonna has succeeded in convincing a Malawi appeals court to let her adopt 3-year-old Mercy James. She promised his future was going to be taken care of, and by HIS she meant the judge that approved the adoption’s future.

Former President George H.W. Bush was photographed Monday with a bikini-clad woman sitting on his lap. And now she knows why everybody calls him “Poppy.”

Amy Winehouse is volunteering her time in the Caribbean Island of St. Lucia, to help sick children. Apparently, by comparison, every time those kids look at her, they immediately feel better.

A man who tore the wig off a Taiwan legislator last year was sentenced to five months in jail for depriving the MP of his freedom to look good. I guess Pelosi’s plastic surgeon should be happy this is not Taiwan.

A Florida fisherman reeled in a live missile in the Gulf of Mexico. But if you know fishermen, you probably know it must have been just a bottle rocket.

According to a new study from the University of Murcia in Spain, if you want to improve your chances of getting pregnant you should feed your man fruit and vegetables. But if your guy goes only for the bananas and cucumbers, your chances are still slim.

June 9th 2009

Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport on her way to meet some senators. Obama is very optimistic she’ll make it in the Supreme Court; as of yesterday, she got almost 57 senators signing her cast.

Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle when she tripped at LaGuardia Airport. Apparently, she was trying to lean too much on the right to gain the trust of some senators.

Citizens in India are worshipping a frog because it changes colors. And then they realized Susan Boyle has been changing outfits.

The movie Transformers 2, will hit theaters on June 24th. The movie is called Revenge of the Fallen, and this time the robots turn into cars and try to fight bankruptcy.

Gas prices jumped nearly 3 cents over the weekend, landing at an average of $2.598 a gallon, forcing Gwyneth Paltrow to hire extra security to protect her legs.

According to a new study from the University of Gothenburg in Sweden, women with the best sex lives are the most productive at work. Ahh, so my wife wasn’t cheating on me with her boss; she was trying to get better at work…

Royal Dutch Shell agreed Monday to a 15.5 million dollar payout to settle a lawsuit alleging complicity in murder, torture and other abuses by Nigeria's former military government. Victims were told to check their e-mails where they will receive instructions on how to get the money of the settlement.

An ex-con is suing an upstate prison nurse who allegedly sent him back to his cell after medication side effects gave him a painful erection that lasted 55 hours. The nurse is also being sued by other inmates for sleep deprivation.

An ex-con is suing an upstate prison nurse who allegedly sent him back to his cell after medication side effects gave him a painful erection that lasted 55 hours. And today Hugh Hefner changed nurses.

A Florida couple is getting married. He’s 93 and she is 89. The wedding will take place on Sunday and is expected to last about five days because that is what it’ll take them to walk the aisle.

A 93-year-old man and an 89-year-old woman are tying the knot in Florida next Sunday. They are really tying a knot so when they get to church they remember why they went there

A British tabloid reports that Britney Spears’ father is trying to keep booze completely out of her daughter’s sight. Apparently, he is hiding it next to her kids, because she never pays attention to them.

Susan Boyle was just released from the clinic and is ready to join the Britain’s Got Talent Tour. She’ll be flying to London this week in her own broom.

June 8th 2009

According to a new study from the University of Gothenburg in Sweden women with the best sex lives are the most productive at work. Can somebody do something for the good of the country and screw Pelosi?

A 90-year-old suburban Chicago woman who dropped out of school to help her family during the Great Depression now has her high school diploma. Just what the job market was looking for, a 90-year-old woman with a high school diploma, she’ll probably get a job by the time she is a hundred.

A brothel in Nevada will be the first one to add male prostitutes. It is not a novelty anymore; when it comes to men selling themselves for money congress has been doing that for years.

A study says that most people replace half their friends every seven years... usually the ones that have stopped lending you money.

A poll says that half of all Americans say that torture is sometimes justified. Apparently, the other half has not seen Heidi and Spencer Pratt in “I’m a celebrity get me out of here.”

Osama bin Laden issued a new audio tape on Thursday. He’ll never get the attention of the youth using such an old way of communication. Apparently, he posted the audio on Myspace.

NBC’s news special, “Inside the Obama White House,” was watched by 9 million people. Finally a chance for Ralph Nader to see the inside of the White House!

Friday was Biden’s wife’s birthday. They asked the vice president to blow the candles because it was the only chance for everybody to make him shut up for a second.

Friday was Biden’s wife’s birthday. Friends were going to throw a surprise party in a secret location, but of course Biden blew it…

Kelly Clarkson said during an interview in Australia that she’s tired of the fat jokes. And then she realized the reporter was laughing hysterically while holding a banana instead of a microphone.

Handguns will be allowed in bars and restaurants in Tennessee... A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar in Tennessee to discuss religion and now they are both dead.

Handguns will soon be allowed in bars and restaurants in Tennessee. I guess you will have to think twice before you order a shot now.

North Korea missed their chances to qualify to the soccer world cup after their loss to Iran over the weekend. It couldn’t have happened at a better time for Kim Jhon Il who was looking for people to have a twenty-one-killed salute to welcome his son into power.

David Carradine was found dead last week in the closet of a Bangkok hotel room with rope tied around his neck and genitals. Apparently, he couldn’t cum out of the closet.

David Carradine was found dead this week in the closet of a Bangkok hotel room with rope tied around his neck and genitals. Apparently, at the very last second he loosened the rope of the wrong head.

David Carradine was found dead this week in the closet of a Bangkok hotel room with rope tied around his neck and genitals. He was in the process of filming a movie called “Stretch”, unfortunately that didn’t happen to the rope.

David Carradine was found dead this week in the closet of a Bangkok hotel room with rope tied around his neck and genitals. Isn’t masturbating in Thailand like going hungry to an all-you-can-eat-buffet and bringing your own hotdog?

June 5th 2009

Tough and busy week, but I reached Friday alive... looking forward to a relaxing weekend... enjoy yours..... Pedro

Angelina Jolie knocked Oprah off the top of the "Forbes" 100 Most Powerful Celebrities list .A relief for all the other celebrities… who would you rather choose to have on top? Angelina or Oprah?

President Obama was sporting a thin mustache while giving his speech yesterday in Egypt .I hope it is not what’s left after kissing the king’s ass….

The United States places 83rd on the list of the Most Peaceful Countries. Come on Obama, Bush would have immediately planned to attack some countries so we can gain some positions…

Wal-Mart says it will create 22,000 jobs in 2009. And today two vans crossed from Mexico to take all those positions.

People paid a $1,000-a-plate fundraising dinner this week to hear Joe Biden talk. He could have made ten times more if he had charged people that wanted him to shut up.

Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech at a $1,000-a-plate fundraising dinner. It was full; mostly from comedians that need new material for the summer.

According to a recent study, white male children more likely to develop tourette's. So why do we have so few white rappers then?

June 4th 2009

The Octomom attacked Kate Gosselin, from Joe & Kate plus 8, for exploiting her children for attention. Nobody paid much attention to that comment; everybody’s eyes were glued to Octomom’s 14 babies that were juggling in the background dressed up as little angels.

The federal government accidentally posted a sensitive list of nuclear sites in the U.S. Why do we let Biden take care of that website?

The federal government accidentally posted a sensitive list of nuclear sites in the U.S. Don’t worry; since it is not in a porn site, chances are nobody is going to see it.

According to a book called "Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head,” 9 out of 10 people have sexual fantasies. And you know that the other one has to be dead to not have one… sexy corpse.....mmmmmmmm…

According to a book called "Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head,” 95% of people have never talked about their fantasies to another person. But some of them have whispered them to their pets.

A woman in California tried to tie a young guy up with duct-tape and kidnap him because she didn’t want him to date her daughter. The outcome? The guy now wants to date the mom.

Brooke Hogan finally admitted yesterday that she has breast implants. Unfortunately her penis is not fake.

During his speech to the Muslim world, President Obama promised to allow more Arab students to study in the United States. And today Republicans suggested opening a school in Guantanamo.

The White House ordered U.S. embassies worldwide to invite Iran's ambassadors to their Fourth of July picnics next month. Most ambassadors accepted but only if they are allowed to be in charge of the fireworks.

June 3rd 2009

According to a new survey, 72% of baby boomers think they can hear. Unfortunately for them, the question was if they liked pie.

The head writer of "The MTV Movie Awards" said that the Bruno / Eminem incident was fake. Actually, Eminem loved Bruno’s butt on his face.

A Maserati driven by Lindsay Lohan is on eBay for $25,000. The car is probably worth $10,000 the rest is in the glove compartment.

A Maserati driven by Lindsay Lohan is on eBay for $25,000. You’d better have a dog every time you drive that car, because cats go crazy with the smell.

A Washington state man has been sentenced to 30 days in jail for having sex with dogs. And Michael Vick is free, I know; apparently, you cannot be a lover; you have to be a fighter in this society.

Kim Jong-il has anointed his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-un, to take over for him. The new leader said he has prepared himself for this position since he was born and found out his father was Il.

New research reveals that happiness has nothing to do with wealth or good looks. That was what Angelina Jolie told the kids she didn’t pick in Africa when she adopted one.

Republican Rick Santorum said that Obama should have taken his wife around the corner for a beer or a shot instead of taking her to a Broadway play and a fancy restaurant in New York, because “it doesn’t matter where you go with your wife, is that it's with your wife.” Apparently, for Santorum you only take your mistress to fancy trips.

The South Carolina funeral board has revoked the licenses of a funeral home and its director for cutting the legs of a 6-foot-7 man so his corpse would fit in a casket. The director apologized and said that next time he will cut the head.

The South Carolina funeral board has revoked the licenses of a funeral home and its director for cutting the legs of a 6-foot-7 man so his corpse would fit in a casket. The director plans to use his free time on his favorite hobby: Magic.

The South Carolina funeral board has revoked the licenses of a funeral home and its director for cutting the legs of a 6-foot-7 man so his corpse would fit in a casket. The director claimed that the feet were useless; the guy didn’t need the feet anymore; he had already kicked the bucket.

Russia held its Miss Atom 2009 beauty pageant this week with women that work for the Russian nuclear industry. And as predicted, Miss Chernobyl finished last.

A Chinese company is buying the hummer brand. The car will be a hit in China as most men need to compensate.

There's a family in Wisconsin made up entirely of sex offenders. The house is easy to recognize; it is the one with tons of coins on the floor, that nobody in the family dares pick up.

Nancy Reagan says that she still sees Ronald when she wakes up at night. But then she goes back to sleep when she finds out that what she sees is another Republican trying her husband’s clothes on to run for 2012.

June 2nd 2009

GM filed for bankruptcy and now we, the taxpayers, own 60 percent of an unprofitable company. It is not that bad if you compare it to the 100 percent we own of a broken down company: the country.

Susan Boyle was admitted to a London clinic for exhaustion. Apparently, she couldn’t cope with the fame; she felt like a fish out of water, actually like the monster out of the Loch Ness.

Some GOP members believe their rhetoric against taxes is gaining some ground among young people. The example? Bruno tea bagging Eminem during the MTV Awards.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says that he’s a Susan Boyle fan. Weird… I always thought Darth Vader hated Chewbacka.

According to a survey in England, students who have sex more than once a month tend to get lower grades... unless you are doing your teacher.

Bo, the White House dog, is drinking its water out of a non-spill bowl invented in England. Obama is so happy with it; he ordered a non-spill-the-beans bowl for Biden.

The husband of a woman that was called fat by two fitness promoters on the street called the police. Apparently, he was concerned for their safety.

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family. Not that he is not “well-endowed”, he might have a chance.

President Bush said that he hasn't watched the nightly news much since leaving office because it's too predictable. Unlike when he was the president that we never knew which country we were going to attack next.

Dick Chenney now supports gay marriage. Actually, he is pro-torture so he supports any kind of marriage.

Obama and his wife had a romantic dinner Saturday at a New York restaurant. You can imagine the president’s disappointment when he found out that the one touching his crotch with their feet under the table wasn’t Michelle, but Keith Olberman seating at a nearby table.

June 1st 2009

President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle went to a Broadway show on Saturday. They got a beautiful balcony in the theater courtesy of the Republican Party.

President Barack Obama and his wife Michelle went to a Broadway show on Saturday. I guess waterboarding doesn't look that torturous for him anymore...

According to a new survey, 28% of people would rather talk about constipation than politics. At least when you talk constipation you keep the crap inside; when you discuss politics you spill it all over.

President Obama stopped at the Five Guys Restaurant and ordered a cheeseburger. Some political analysts believe he went to a restaurant and had hamburgers to look like an everyday American. Truth is he went out again because Michelle’s cooking sucks.

President Obama stopped at the Five Guys Restaurant and ordered a cheeseburger with jalapeños lettuce and tomato. Apparently, Obama hopes Chenney will try to top that and die from a heart attack.

President Obama stopped at the Five Guys Restaurant and ordered a cheeseburger with jalapeños. I don’t know if his ratings will go up, but his cholesterol, for sure.

During a debate in Toronto, Former President George W. Bush called ex-President Bill Clinton "his brother" because his mom has been calling Bill her son. Maybe that’s why Jenna and Barbara called Bill uncle pervy.

The World Health Organization is recommending that cigarette packages have graphic pictures to discourage smoking. And by graphic pictures they mean the price of the pack in big numbers.

A man in Florida has been living in a closet that he only rents for $150 a month. That’s $150 more than Ryan Seacrest…

A local newspaper in northwest Pennsylvania apologized on Friday for running a classified advertisement that called implicitly for the assassination of U.S. President Barack Obama. The ad didn’t have a phone number but now you understand why Rush got more phone calls last Friday than ever before.

A local newspaper in northwest Pennsylvania ran an ad that called implicitly for the assassination of U.S. President Barack Obama saying “May Obama follow in the footsteps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy” Apparently, the editor ran it because he thought it meant Obama was going to have sex with Barbara Walters.

Prince Harry played in a charity polo match in New York City over the weekend. And no, he didn’t ride his daddy’s girlfriend…

Bravo TV has announced that it is developing The Real Housewives of D.C. It can’t be as exciting as the other Real Housewives shows. In DC we know already that most husbands are in bed with lobbyists.

Millvina Dean, the last remaining survivor of the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, died. Apparently, her heart didn’t go on anymore.

Producers of the movie “The Other Side” have told Lindsay Lohan that she needs to gain some weight. They suggested a change on her diet: leave the fish and eat some real meat!

The top Republican involved in the confirmation hearings for President Barack Obama's Supreme Court nominee, Sen. Jeff Sessions, said Sunday that he would prefer fellow Republicans stop calling Sotomayor a racist. Apparently, that was helping her to improve her ratings among hardcore conservatives.

Bird protection group warns that the cuckoo bird is in danger of extinction. Apparently, every time the cuckoo goes out in the early morning to wake people up, the bird gets shot at by those who are unemployed.

A 101-year-old woman in London says she’s been smoking every day since she was 7. That’s why her last birthday party lasted 5 days, because that was what it took her to blow the candles.

BET will air a series about NASCAR drivers. Apparently, black people are fascinated by the fact that you can drive around for hours without being pulled over by the cops.

Lee Majors, the bionic man, has a 34-year-old wife. And you know that soon he’ll be known as the three million dollar man after his wife takes half in the divorce.

British tabloids say that Susan Boyle was rushed to some kind of private clinic called Priory following Saturday's finale, because she was suffering from exhaustion. Apparently, before the show she did the eyebrow and nose trimming herself.