March 31st 2010

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Don’t get too excited; the lesbians were Cheney’s daughter and her girlfriend.

The Republican National Committee spent $2,000 at a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless female dancers imitating lesbian sex. Apparently, they were doing research on gay marriage.

Fox cancelled “24.” Like Kiefer Sutherland needed a reason to drink…

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. In other shocking news, Amy Winehouse announced she has a drug problem and John Edwards confessed he is a cheater.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Wow! I haven’t been this shocked since Adam Lambert admitted he was gay.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Apparently, the closet was getting too crowded with Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest inside.

Ricky Martin announced that he's gay. Ok, Ryan Seacrest, your turn!

Two schools for the blind in Boston competed against one another in a fencing match. The score? The ref and two in the audience rushed to the hospital.

Heather Mills’ nanny is suing her for unfair dismissal and sex discrimination. Heather couldn’t believe it; she was stumped when she heard the news!

J.D. Shapiro, the original screenwriter for "Battlefield Earth", has written an apology for the film in "The New York Post". And today, most movie critics gave it two thumbs down.

J.D. Shapiro, the original screenwriter for "Battlefield Earth", has written an apology for the film in "The New York Post". And like the movie, nobody saw it because nobody reads the paper anymore.

Sandra Bullock's rep says that the actress has no plans to adopt any of Jesse James's children. Apparently, none of the kids is good at playing football.

People magazine says that tiger is trying to convince Elin to attend the masters in Augusta, Georgia next week. Apparently, Tiger is convinced nobody handles the clubs like Elin does.

According to AOL's PopEater.com, new organizations have already pre-written Lindsay Lohan's obituary. They are using the same obituary they have used several years ago for Lindsay’s acting career.

March 30th 2010

President Obama made a surprise stop in Afghanistan yesterday. Apparently, with all the death threats and violence going on in the country after the health care bill passed, the president feels safer there.

President Obama made a surprise stop in Afghanistan yesterday. Apparently, the president wanted to visit the troops and also find a place where he can finally smoke a cigarette without being bothered by his wife or the press.

All of Jesse James' mistresses claim to have incriminating text messages from him. Apparently, Jesse James had the same cell phone plan Tiger had…

The Earth went dark for an hour Saturday night. A chance for both Tiger and Jesse James to go back to their old businesses without being caught by wives or papparazies…

Fox cancelled the show 24. Now, if you want to get your weekly dose of torture, you’ll have to watch The View.

Fox cancelled the show 24. First, the Health Care Bill, and now this? Republicans can’t catch a break!

The first male prostitute working at the Shady Lady Ranch quit because he wasn’t getting enough clients. Of course… with Tiger and now Jesse James out there, what woman would pay for sex?

Hacker Albert Gonzalez, who participated in a cybercrime ring that stole tens of millions of credit and debit card numbers, was sentenced Friday to 20 years in prison. He was heard saying that he hoped his cellmate had a floppy disk instead of a hard drive.

Hacker Albert Gonzalez, who participated in a cybercrime ring that stole tens of millions of credit and debit card numbers, was sentenced Friday to 20 years in prison. I know it sounds lame, but he probably hopes his cell has “windows.”

The White House announced that President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign a nuclear-arms reduction treaty on April 8 in Prague. The only bombs left that day will be all dropped by Biden when they sign the new treaty.

J.D. Shapiro, the screenwriter of movie Battlefield Earth, which is considered the worst movie of the decade, wrote a formal apology to all its viewers. Ok director of the movie Gigli, the ball is in your court.

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Apparently, the passing of the new Health Care bill really affected Rush.

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Cops were shocked they didn’t find any crack!

A man was busted in Florida with 1,000 prescription pills hidden in his underpants. Not to be confused with Rush; he is another ass with tons of prescription pills.

The new police chief from a small town in Washington proposed an ordinance that would fine $50 to residents that swear. He expects to raise a lot of money because he immediately extended an invitation to Joe Biden to spend a weekend there.

The movie Hot Tub Time Machine opened in theaters this weekend. I saw a lot of Republicans on Saturday getting in their Jacuzzis hoping they could go back to the day before the Health Care bill was passed.

March 29th 2010

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s 70th birthday. She received lots of flowers, birthday cards and a bunch of dead threats.

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s 70th birthday. She is probably going to get some botox today; she can’t afford to look her age, at 70 she already qualifies for the death panels.

Today is Nancy Pelosi’s birthday. She is turning 70…. her face just 17…..

According to a study by researchers at Wayne State University in Michigan, the bigger your smile the longer you'll live. Republicans are screwed, because I haven’t seen a single one smiling after we passed the Health Care reform on Sunday.

President Obama walked in a bookstore in Iowa and spent $37 on kids' books. He bought some children books for his daughters, Robert Gibbs’ son and Joe Biden.

Congress approved a package of final changes to the healthcare reform on Thursday, and it now goes to Obama to sign. It might take a couple of days though; security has to be sure every microphone is shut so nobody can hear Biden cursing again.

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. Apparently he was driving fast to try to enjoy his last seconds of his 15 minutes of fame.

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. But the worst part was when the officer that pulled him over told him that his performance was pitchy and all over the place

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. You think his family was mad? What about the owner of the car that he was valet parking?

Former "American Idol" contestant Sanjaya Malakar was fined in Washington for driving 110-miles-per-hour. He couldn’t help it, he was driving a Toyota.

Robert Finch, a co-founder of KC and the Sunshine Band was arrested was arrested for having sex with teenage boys. Apparently he did it because, "that's the way, uh huh uh huh, he likes it."

Robert Finch, a co-founder of KC and the Sunshine Band was arrested was arrested for having sex with teenage boys. He’d better get ready because in jail he will have to shake that booty, shake that booty!

Tiger Woods shot a new Nike commercial in his Florida neighborhood yesterday. Apparently he used a new slogan: "Think twice before you just do it!"

Some tabloids magazines are reporting that Elin, Tiger’s wife, might be pregnant. Wouldn’t it be ironic if after she delivers the baby, the baby looks like Jesse James?

Osama Bin Laden released a new tape yesterday. In this one he threatens Americans and also said that Jesse James is in ass.

According to a study by the Nielsen Company last month, 28% of people look at porno at work. The rest are unemployed.

March 26th 2010

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m. Well, if they continue with this kind of behavior, they won’t need to worry at all about working, especially after November.

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m. It is not like you are going to notice a big difference, right?

Senate Republicans, still mad over the passage of the health care reform, are now refusing to work past 2 p.m.. Apparently, McCain wants to catch the early bird especial at the Old Country Buffet.

According to a website, the most well-endowed city in America is New Orleans. Wow! That’s impressive, considering their junks shrunk after spending some much time under water.

According to a website, the second most well-endowed city in America is Washington DC. That’s scary, especially because we get screwed by them all the time.

Paula Abdul might be getting a show on NBC. It’s weird; I always thought Celebrity Rehab was on cable.

March Madness was responsible for a ratings spike for NBC. Cable also got huge ratings with March madness… when they showed some of the Tea Party members marching on Washington DC.

Democrats say the health care bill will create 2.5 million jobs, mostly people hired to do security and protect the Democrats that voted for this bill.

Video surfaced of George W. Bush wiping his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after shaking hands with people in Haiti. Bush is lucky Haitians lost almost everything on the earthquake… including their shoes.

A man named Patrick Molesti was arrested in Georgia for trying to a buy a 5-year-old kid over the internet. I just hope he gets to share his cell with John Buttsurfer and Jack Rapi-Rapi.

A Chinese boy with 31 fingers and toes had surgery yesterday to remove the extra digits. He was immediately contacted by Republicans to see if they could get those extra fingers to give them to the Democrats that passed the Health Care bill.

A Chinese boy with 31 fingers and toes had surgery yesterday to remove the extra digits. He was really happy, not as happy as his friends who are now going to have chances against him at playing Guitar Hero.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. It is bad porn; all the money shots are inside a tube.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. She actually offered to do it for free, as long as they let her take all the samples she wants.

The Adult entertainment company Vivid is offering Octomom money to avoid the foreclosure of her home if she agrees to make a pornographic movie. Apparently, they want 8 people inside of her again.

According to a recent report, more doctors and psychiatrists are using skype to see their patients. Actually, after the Health Care plan passed they will use Chatroulette; patients we’ll be lucky if they get a real doctor.

According to a new study, 48% of women admitted feeling embarrassed about talking about their sex lives. The other 52% had sex with Tiger Woods.

Taylor Swift said she might hug her fans that created a website site called: AhugFromTaylorSwift.com. I wonder if those who created the website called ASmartThoughtFromPresidentBush.com will have the same luck.

The Octomom could be losing her southern California home to foreclosure. Americans would be willing to donate money and help her as long as she forecloses her privates.

March 25th 2010

Vice president Joe Biden dropped the F bomb on national TV during the signing of the Health Care Bill. It was all part of the plan to finance Health Care, especially with all the money the FCC is going to get from the networks that aired the swear word.

Vice president Joe Biden dropped the F bomb on national TV during the signing of the Health Care Bill. You know what? I’d rather have a vice president that drops F bombs than one that drops real ones like the one we had before.

During the signing of the Health Care Bill yesterday, president Obama used different pens for every letter of his name to give as souvenirs to important people. As a nice gesture, he gave all the pens he used to write Hussein to Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Fox News and the Tea Party…

President Obama used 20 pens to sign the Health Care bill as a way to pay thanks to those allies who helped him push the law through. Actually, it was only 19; the other one he just used it to stab Biden after he used the F word.

Democrats promised the creation of 2.5 million jobs after passing the Health Care bill. They were right; most of the jobs will go to lawyers trying to sue them for passing the Health Care bill.

As part of some changes the Health Care bill brought, indoor tanning salons will charge customers a 10 percent tax beginning today. Now you understand why Mitt Romney was so mad on Sunday when Democrats passed the bill.

The CW is launching a reality show about flight attendants called “Fly Girls”. The pilots also have their own show; they can all be seen in “Intervention.”

The CW is launching a reality show about flight attendants called “Fly Girls”. Maybe, for once, everybody should ignore them and not watch it, like they do to us when we are on the plane.

A new report by the Center for American Progress says it will cost $285 billion to find, apprehend, detain, and return the almost 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Maybe if we hire some illegal immigrants to do that job, we can save some money.

A new report by the Center for American Progress says it will cost $285 billion if we send back all the illegal immigrants. And the number doubles if we have to start hiring our own kids to mow our lawns.

Lindsay Lohan complained on twitter because she was forced to wait in line at a West Hollywood club. And we all know how much she hates to wait for a line!

According to a new poll, 24% of Republicans think President Obama "may be the antichrist." Which is fair, because the same number of Democrats think he is Jesus.

Starbucks offered a free pastry to customers yesterday. It was a nice deal until I realized I had to pay $5 for regular coffee.

A new study found that people who use green products are more likely to cheat than those who do not. Oh, that’s why I saw Tiger Woods buying energy-saving light bulbs at Wal-Mart.

The BBC posted a video of President Bush wiping his hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt after shaking hands with some locals in Haiti. Unfortunately for Bush, he caught herpes after touching that shirt.

The BBC posted a video of President Bush wiping his hands on Bill Clinton’s shirt after shaking hands with some locals in Haiti. What you can’t see in the clip is that most Haitians touched their pockets after greeting Bush to see if they had some money left.

The NFL approved a new overtime rule for the 2011 playoffs. 24 owners voted in favor of the proposal. 4 voted against, like the Cleveland Brown owner, because he doesn’t know what playoffs are.

March 24th 2010

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill on Sunday. Democrats clarified repeatedly to the media that the death panels don’t exist and that old people should feel safe. And to make them feel even better, Obama will give every senior citizen a new Toyota.

John McCain said yesterday that after the vote for the Health Care reform bill, Republicans won’t cooperate with Democrats anymore. When did the GOP cooperate? He’s lucky because people with pre-existing conditions will no longer be able to be denied health insurance, so even with Alzheimer’s he’ll get some coverage.

A woman in North Carolina got $9 million after suing her former husband’s mistress for "alienation of affection,” Wow! If Elin gets the same for every mistress Tiger had, she could be richer than Bill Gates.

If you thought Rush Limbaugh was mad that Democrats passed the Health Care Reform bill, imagine how Costa Ricans feel now that he might move there!

There’s a woman that has a bizarre sexual phobia that prevents her from having sex indoors. She is lucky, with all the foreclosure; she won’t have any problem finding guys willing to have sex on the streets.

The Costa Rican government is working on a health care bill of their own, as they are due to put on over 300 pounds of unwanted fat.

Pat Robertson turned 80 yesterday. He looks great; he must have a pact with the devil or something…

Half of New York State voters support medical marijuana. The other half was too high to answer the question.

Police in New York on Monday said it appears a March 9 crash of a Toyota Motor Corp Prius was a case of driver error. Her mistake? Buying a Toyota.

According to new investigations, Michael Jackson's doctor halted CPR on the dying pop star and delayed calling paramedics so he could collect drug vials at the scene. There were so many drugs that police suspect Jackson had died 5 years ago.

The US government is planning on investing money to attract more tourists to visit the country. You don’t need to spend a dime, said the Mexican government, we can send you millions of tourists that will visit the US and stay…

Former Bush White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer is not working with Tiger Woods anymore. Apparently, Tiger didn’t like the suggestion of hanging a Mission Accomplished banner on every waitress he had sex with.

According to a new study, earning more money only makes people happier if they feel richer than their friends, neighbors and colleagues. Considering what I make, I may be making so many of my friends and family members the happiest people on Earth.

March 23rd 2010

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he expects to get a few claps when he plays in the Masters. Apparently, he was talking about the kind of claps he is going to get from some of the waitresses in Augusta.

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he’s done very ugly things. Actually, only one, the pancake waitress at Perkins in Orlando.

During an interview with ESPN, Tiger Woods said he hurt a lot of people. I know some of his mistresses have said you are well endowed, but come on Tiger, I think you’re exaggerating a little.

PGA officials said that fans will receive Tiger at the Masters with open arms… and waitresses with open legs.

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill last night. It gives unemployed people the chance to have health care. Now you understand why Democrats were fighting so much for it, because most of them will be unemployed after the elections in November.

The House of Representatives passed the healthcare reform bill last night. All Democrats fought really hard for it, mostly because they are hoping Rush Limbaugh makes his promise good and leaves the country.

Scientists at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have created "super-sexed" sterilized male leafhoppers to have sex with female bugs and avoid the birth of more bugs. If this system works, the scientist will try it on humans like Octomom and Kate Gosselin.

Scientists at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem have created "super-sexed" sterilized male leafhoppers to have sex with female bugs to avoid the birth of more bugs. They call the male leafhoppers “Tiger”!

Police in New Jersey arrested a 16-year-old boy for using the intercom to tell "all blacks" to leave a Wal-Mart store. The kid was mad not only because he went to jail but also because he missed the chance to scream the same the next day at a Tea Party rally in Washington DC.

An L.A. sushi restaurant that was charged with serving endangered whale meat is closing. If we’re going to start shutting down everyplace that serves whales in America we have to close every fast food restaurant.

According to a new report, the number of plastic surgeries in the U.S. is in decline. Apparently, women in Hollywood figured now that no matter what they look like their husbands will still cheat on them.

Universal is planning to lower CD prices to $10. And that’s still $10 more than what people pay for music nowadays.

Democrats passed the Health Care reform Bill Sunday. To celebrate I got wasted and drove home drunk feeling safe knowing that we all have health care.

There’s a new 10% tax on indoor tanning services. That’s going to make some of the members of Jersey Shore go pale!

A middle school in Oregon banned hugs among students because some of the girls were using them to get the boys aroused. Now the students can continue to use the hugs, but only with their teachers.

Friday was the seventh anniversary of the Iraq invasion. Dick Cheney threw a party and for a moment he was very happy because at least he could blow something, the candles.

The director of the Disney movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” film said producers won’t hire actresses with breast implants. Who’s the lucky guy that gets the job of checking?

Tons of jokes for March 19th!

Most people in Congress wore something green today. Apparently they were afraid Massa would be around there and ready to pinch them.

Rush Limbaugh bragged yesterday about shutting down the Capitol switchboard with anti- health care reform calls after he rallied his listeners to do it. To be fair, Rush got the help of millions of people in Costa Rice who also called against the bill because they don’t want Rush to move there.

President Obama sat down with Fox News today because Saint Patrick’s Day is the perfect day for a beer summit.

MTV wants the "Jersey Shore" cast to avoid alcohol during their hiatus. MTV should at least let their friends have some drinks, how else on earth is Snooki is going to have sex if everybody is sober?

Some guy in Florida who is claiming to be a vampire says he's running for president in 2012. It’ll be quite difficult to distinguish him among the other politicians because they all suck.

A man out jogging on a beach in South Carolina was hit and killed by an airplane making an emergency landing. Now do you understand while I rather stay home eating pizza than exercising?

Californians felt a magnitude 4.4 earthquake at 4:00 A.M. Finally some movement in Jennifer Aniston’s bed.

President Obama sat down with Fox News to try to convince conservatives of the importance of the Health Care reform. It was a smart move because seeing Obama there made most of Fox New’s viewers sick.

A new study suggests that men with heart problems may have double the risk of death if they also suffer from erectile dysfunction. Especially the day they get an erection because that could kill them out of excitement.

According to a survey women had an average of 5.65 different sexual partners by the time they were 24. The .65 is because they had sex with Jon Gosselin, which barely count as one.

According to a survey by the time they are 24 women nowadays have more sex that those women that were 24 in the 60’s. That’s why my grandma has sex with half the retiring home; she is trying to catch up.

A company is selling now a Tiger Woods blow-up doll. I mean for most people it is a blow-uo doll, for Tiger’s wife Elin, it is a punching bag.

John McCain asked Sarah Palin to campaign with him in Arizona next week after the polls show he might have troubles keeping his senate seat. McCain’s Alzheimer’s is kicking it. Doesn’t he remember what happened last time Palin helped him the last elections?

Republican candidate for the Senate J.D. Hayworth said yesterday that if the Massachusetts Supreme Court defined marriage as 'the establishment of intimacy,' that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, you could marry it. He might be onto something because it is obvious his wife married an ass!

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She already hired two trainers to help her in her quest: Kirstie Alley and Michael Moore.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to become the fattest woman in the world. She is eating 12,000 calories a day, or 2 big Macs.

A New Jersey woman who already weighs 600 Lbs is on a mission to gain 400lbs more to have a run at the fattest woman in the world title. Actually, more than a run, a very slow walk.

Things are getting really tense among the congressional Democrats because they can’t get the number of votes to pass the Health Care Bill. What makes it even worse, they don’t have Massa anymore to massage them.

The movie “Hot Tub Time Machine” is coming to theaters soon. Apparently, the movie is about a politician in Utah that uses the hot tub to go back in time to ask his 15-year-old date to please put some clothes on.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. I can imagine his wife getting quite upset if he catches him checking other women’s butts.

A blind British soldier is using a device on his tongue that allows him to see. Last time he had a Taco Bell, he saw a rat.

Flavor Flav turns 51 today. Unfortunately, he had to cancel his party because he hasn’t finished setting all his clocks ahead for daylight saving yet.

An insurance executive who secretly shot nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews has been sentenced to 2½ years in prison. He is really a sports fan. Unfortunately, the kind of package he’ll see behind bars will have nothing to do with sports.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. How unfortunate; he expected to grow to be 24... inches...

The shortest man on earth died at 21. So young, he wanted to accomplish so many things in life, but he came up a little short.

The shortest man on earth died at 21. You know what they say: Life is too short.

The Obama administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air-traffic control system. The first part of the plan is to replace all traffic controllers with 10-year-old kids.

Toyota dismissed the story of a man who claimed his Prius sped out of control on the California freeway and called it a hoax. When reporters asked the man in question he apologized and said that “he did it for the show.”

Rielle Hunter is very upset with the racy photos of her that showed up in the new issue of GQ magazine and said they were quite tacky. Rielle, you shot a porno movie with a married man while you were pregnant and you call a couple of semi-nude pictures tacky?

According to a new study from a group called Catalyst, women still make just 77.8 cents for every dollar earned by men. It is not a chauvinistic thing; besides, women can always make a little more if they are nice with their bosses.

March 16th 2010

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. So when most Americans set the clocks ahead on Sunday, Mississippi just turned them back a couple of centuries...

Americans lost 1 hour on Sunday due to daylight saving. Actually, and hour and a half if you watched “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

The economy is so bad that for daylight saving the government could afford to save only 30 minutes instead of an hour.

A Utah House majority leader admitted he paid a woman $150,000 to keep silent about going nude "hot-tubbing" with him when she was a minor. Republican House members gave him thunderous applause for his honesty and because it wasn’t a 15 year old boy.

A Utah House majority leader admitted he paid a woman $150,000 to keep silent about going nude "hot-tubbing" with him when she was a minor. If he had used a couple of jokes when he shared the story, he would have probably gotten a gig as a tonight show host.

Due to daylight saving, we set the clocks ahead an hour on Sunday. It was all a White House plan to give Democrats one less hour to change their minds and vote for the Health Care reform bill.

A man flipped out and killed his girlfriend and two other men after walking in on them having a threesome at her Brooklyn apartment. The man was in shock; how the heck did she manage to fit 3 people in an apartment in Brooklyn?

Former Utah Jazz center Robert Whaley was caught with marijuana wedged into his butt cheeks. According to police, he also had some crack there.

Former Utah Jazz center Robert Whaley was caught with marijuana wedged into his butt cheeks. And when he farted everybody giggled, but not just because it was funny.

The Obamas hosted a screening of HBO's "The Pacific" at the White House last week. And now you know why they sent Biden to Israel.

A 6.6 earthquake rocked Japan over the weekend. A bunch of cars crashed, but that had nothing to do with the Earthquake; they were Toyotas.

Yesterday, 3/14, was Pi Day. But in the case of Kirstie Alley, everyday is pie day!

South Africa’s government says it will need one billion condoms for the 2010 World Cup. Who says there’s no scoring in soccer?

According to a recent study women who’ve taken the pill are less likely to die. Can anybody tell Jon Gosselin to stop smiling?

There are rumors that the TV show 24 might move from Fox to NBC. Come on! Only drunk might Kiefer Sutherland want to make this move… oh, never mind…

According to a group called the Insight Center for Community Economic Development, the average single black woman has just $100 of wealth. I don’t know what Oprah is waiting for to marry Stedman Graham then…

According to a group called the Insight Center for Community Economic Development, the average single black woman has just $100 of wealth. Actually, it would be $.0000001 if we exclude Oprah from the average.

March 15th 2010

The New York Post says that Tiger Woods has hired former George W. Bush adviser and spokesman Ari Fleischer to help with his return to golf. This guy is familiar with Tiger’s situation he helped Bush and the former president screwed millions!

The New York Post says that Tiger Woods has hired former George W. Bush adviser and spokesman Ari Fleischer to help him rehabilitate his public image. And today Tiger admitted to have had sex with several females but just because they had weapons of mass destruction.

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. Schools officials in Mississippi were outraged, not so much because the date was another woman, but because she wasn’t a relative.

A Mississippi school canceled its prom after a lesbian student petitioned to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tuxedo. Schools officials took a while to come up with the decision, but they needed sometime to find out what a tuxedo was.

Mexican telecom mogul Carlos Slim is the richest person in the world. I don’t want to say there’s a big gap between the rich and the poor in Mexico but the second richest Mexican man does my lawn every weekend.

According to a recent survey, one in ten joggers say they have sex every day. The other weren’t fast enough to catch the woman.

Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. He did a great job and got both Israel and Palestine to agree on something, that Joe Biden should shut up.

Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. This is the right time to do it because we probably need 10 to 15 cards.

A writer posed as 10-year-old pen pal to get letters of advice from famous people. He got tons of responses including an invitation from Madonna to go out clubbing.

According to a recent study the business that GPS users search for the most often is WAL-MART. Because if you own a GPS system you probably never shopped at Wal-Mart.

Tiger Woods will make his big return to golf at the Masters in Augusta, Georgia. Things are a little different now, his caddy will carry the bag with the clubs and Elin will carry Tiger’s balls.

Federal authorities have charged a trendy Santa Monica sushi restaurant with serving whale meat. Apparently people became suspicious because the house dish was called: Tilikum

The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Are you serious? You know all the fights the internet has started in my house every time my wife caught me checking porn?

The Internet has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. If it wins that’ll be the second Nobel peace prize for Al Gore.

A new method of brain scan can reportedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Can we start with Lindsay Lohan so we finally know what the heck she was thinking when she sued E-Trade?

March 14th 2010

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade because the "milkaholic" baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her. There are some similarities; people have seen Lindsay late at a club, drooling and babbling like a little baby.

A 7-year-old child hid in the bathroom and saved his family from gunmen by dialing 911. “Yeah but can he direct plane traffic at JFK?” said a kid in New York.

A new study finds that minorities make up nearly half the children born in the U.S., but just because they don’t waste hours and hours of their lives watching the Oscars.

Osama Bin Laden turned 53 yesterday. Does anybody know his address; I would love to send him a Toyota as a present.

Osama Bin Laden turned 53 yesterday. It was a great party, before he had some cake; he asked for three wishes and then blew some infidels.

A US drug control official said that more people in America are driving cars under the influence of drugs. Of course; you have to be drugged to dare drive a car with all the recalls going around.

A US drug control official said that more people are driving under the influence of drugs. But lately, it seems most drugged people are those that make the cars.

According to a new study, men are less picky about sexual partners when they are feeling very stressed. Well… being president is very stressful, right Bill?

According to a new study, men are attracted to a broader range of women when they're stressed out. That proves that golf is very relaxing because Tiger only goes for the hot ones.

According to a recent survey minorities don’t sleep with pets as much as White people do. We cannot generalize; Tiger is black and he sleeps with pets… the pet of the month.

A woman in California robbed 11 people at gunpoint and got away with only $6. That’s what happens when you choose to rob the California treasure department.

A study found that women can expect to remain sexually active until the age of 65. The difficult part is to find someone that wants to do it with them.

A study found that women can expect to remain sexually active until the age of 65. No wonder Jesus hasn’t left the apartment in a while; Madonna knows she’s got only a couple of weeks left.

According to a new survey, men have 30 minutes more free time every day than women. The problem is we spend them begging our wives for sex.

Carlos Slim from Mexico has overtaken Bill Gates to become the world's richest person. Apparently, Slim charges 2 billion dollars every time he mows the lawn.

Madonna is launching a new clothing line for teens. She knows a lot about it, she is dating one.

March 13th 2010

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million, saying a "milkaholic" baby girl who appeared in a recent commercial was modeled after her. If that’s true, the baby deserves at least $200 million for being compared to Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has sued E*Trade Financial Corp for $100 million. Apparently, she did it because her stocks in Hollywood are worth nothing now.

Lindsay is suing Harry Smith for having a colonoscopy live on the CBS Early Show, her legal argument is that when someone is a pain in the ass on t.v. naturally people are going to think of her

Rush Limbaugh said he’d leave the country if Democrats passed the Health Care Bill. He can use the bungalow Alec Baldwin rented when he promised to leave if Bush won.

Rush Limbaugh says he'll leave the U.S. if the health care bill passes. If you thought it was difficult to get the Democrats to pass the Health Care reform, can you imagine how difficult it’ll be to find a country that wants Rush?

Dozens of same-sex couples got married in Washington yesterday. It was really emotional, especially when Larry Craig caught the bouquet that Roy Ashburn and Eric Massa tossed.

Sean Penn says reporters should be jailed for referring to Hugo Chavez as a "dictator”. He is right; crazy would fit him better.

According to a new study, one in six Americans has herpes. I noticed lately that Paris Hilton has been taking it easy and spending more time with the family.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, roughly one in six American adults are infected with genital herpes. Numbers are expected to go up once Tiger starts hitting the golf tournaments again.

Three in five Americans say their lovemaking sessions last an average of 30 minutes. That if we include smoking a cigarette after doing it and then eating a pizza.

A Chinese woman has a two-and-a-half-inch horn growing out of her forehead. Maybe she should contact Dick Cheney; he didn’t have any trouble hiding the two he got.

Kansas authorities said an injured man pulled over during a traffic stop told officers he was beaten for using Monopoly money to purchase drugs. Police let him go because he had a “get out of jail” card.

A death row inmate's execution in Ohio was delayed to give him time to recover from a suicide attempt. Apparently, officials didn’t want to waste the last meal they had already ordered for him.

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren were seen kissing lately. Now you can see what a month in rehab without any sex at all does to you.

March 10th 2010

California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, the gay rights opponent arrested last week for a DUI after leaving a gay nightclub, confirmed that he's gay. Ashburn said things won’t change much in his life except that from now on, the H in his name is silence.

Iraq held elections on Sunday. They are awaiting preliminary results, but rumors are Avatar lost.

Mary Josephine Ray, the oldest living American, died in New Hampshire at 114. She had been born in 1895, the year of the first display of a motion picture where Betty White debuted as an extra.

A British man was fined for walking his dog while he was driving along in his car. The worst part is, it was his seeing-eye dog!

A British man was fined for walking his dog while he was driving along in his car. Isn’t that cruel for the animal, especially because he was driving a Toyota?

An 11 year old boy in Azerbaijan bought nine homes in Dubai for $44 Million. Well… my dumb kid better starts working harder with his silly lemonade stand.

Sarah Palin has compared herself to God when she said God also wrote on his palm. Actually, there's something else similar between God and Palin… God actually didn't rest on the seventh day, he just quit like Palin.

Sarah Palin is catching some slack for admitting during the weekend that when she was a kid she used to go to Canada to use their health care system. Don’t blame her; it wasn't her talking; it’s just that her palm went rogue...

According to a new study, whites are more likely to be diagnosed with insomnia, especially since a black man became the president.

According to a new study more than three in five Americans say their average lovemaking session lasts at least 30 minutes. The other two… don’t lie.

The TV show "Numb3rs" is rumored to be cancelled soon. Apparently, the "Numb3rs" were not good.

Lindsay Lohan wants to write a book about her life. I don’t know much about it, but I can guarantee you it’ll be full of lines.

March 9th 2010

Mo’Nique won an Oscar for best supporting actress. I heard rumors she won by a hair... or lots…

Miley Cyrus presented an award during the Oscar Ceremony. She looked quite uncomfortable onstage. I think she missed the stripper pole.

Both Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did fantastic last night. Most of their lines went great. Except the times Jeremy Renner of the Hurt Locker came on stage to defuse a couple of jokes that bombed.

James Taylor performed during the tribute to those who died last year. It was pretty emotional; I choked, especially when they showed David Carradine.

TLC dropped the Miss America Pageant. So now the only way left for dumb blondes to be in TV is to work for Fox News.

A study says that baseball players are getting fatter. It must be true, because McDonalds is planning to open stores between second and third base in every baseball field in America.

Researchers at Northern Arizona University failed to scare beetles using Rush Limbaugh’s voice. Instead, the beetles started fighting with each other and blamed the black beetle for everything.

Researchers at Northern Arizona University failed to scare beetles using Rush Limbaugh’s voice. Shouldn’t have they used Yoko Ono’s instead.

Police in Vallejo, California, said that a teenager allegedly shot himself in the testicles Thursday afternoon. Well, he definitely got bigger balls than Plaxico Burress.

Police in Vallejo, California, said that a teenager allegedly shot himself in the testicles Thursday afternoon. I think he learned the lesson, because from now on he’ll be shooting blanks.

A Kentucky woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting an officer by squirting breast milk at her. And that, my friends, is how a porno movie is born!

More problems for David Patterson: Not only is he accused of obtaining free Yankee tickets for him, but he also now got in trouble for getting front row tickets for his eye-seeing dog for the Best In Show.

A pop singer got his family out of Haiti after the earthquake, only to move them to Chile to suffer a second one. Disaster follows him as he was hired to sing at a Nets game.

A chef in New York is serving cheese made with his wife’s breast milk at his restaurant. If you order a cheeseburger, remember not to ask for the mayo... trust me.

A chef in New York is serving cheese made with his wife’s breast milk at his restaurant. It is not that expensive unless you request to get the milk yourself.

Sarah Palin is planning on writing a second book. Apparently, the second book will act as a translation to the first one.

A man opened a new service and for $10 he dumps your girlfriend for you over the phone. He just needs one client to become rich: Tiger Woods

March 8th 2010

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, a gay marriage opposer, was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. Sorry; but is his name Roy Ashburn or Assburn?

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for driving drunk after leaving a gay club. Police is charging him with DUI and two counts of hypocrisy.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for driving drunk after leaving a gay club. I don’t want to say he is gay, but police was surprised at how experienced and affectionate he was when blowing into the breathalyzer.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate, was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. He left jail 8 hours later, with a big smile on his face.

California State Senator Roy Ashburn, known for opposing every gay rights measure in the State Senate was busted for DUI after leaving a gay club. According to the police, he failed the sobriety test because he couldn’t walk “straight.”

The producers of this year's Oscars want the winners to cut down on their number of thank-you's. They are afraid the ceremony is going to be really long, with all the celebrities that died last year the death montage is going to last forever.

Mel Gibson says he became a nicotine addict in the womb. The anti-Semitism, right after he was born when the Jew doctor slapped him a little to make him cry.

Did you see the clip that ABC is running, the clip about a cheetah and a dog that are best friends? I knew Tiger and John Edwards were going to get along.

Everything is ready for the Oscars this Sunday, to even the most little details. For example organizers already hired two seat fillers for Kevin Smith.

President Obama will appear on "America’s most wanted”. Apparently, he is asking Americans to help him find his old approval ratings.

New York Governor David Paterson is being accused of breaking ethics laws by obtaining free Yankee tickets for the 2009 World Series. Apparently, New Yorkers are really mad because they were really good tickets and honestly for Patterson it wouldn’t have mattered.

The fee to apply for a US passport might increase to $135. Still a bargain when you think of all the money you save when you buy prescription drugs in Canada and Mexico.

A pop singer got his family out of Haiti after the earthquake, only to move them to Chile to suffer a second one. For the records, he never visited Detroit, the city just looks like that.

March 6th 2010

According to a new study by the Centers for Disease Control, couples have their best sex after two years and four months of marriage… because that’s when they start having affairs and cheating on each other.

A conservative Christian group called the American Family Association is asking SeaWorld to stone Tilly the whale like it says in the bible. They might be onto something; a stoned whale would never kill a trainer, just giggle all the time.

A newlywed Massachusetts’s couple spent their wedding night in separate jail cells after police said the bride tried to run over an old flame of the groom. Poor her; at least the husband did have sex on his wedding night.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. Producers of 24 are freaking out; naming the show 23 hours 59 minutes 58 seconds and 34 microseconds doesn’t sound as catchy.

A plastic surgeon butchered a breast augmentation on a woman in Staten Island and gave her 4 breasts. She now wants to sue the doctor and is asking for $5 million and two new hands for her husband.

A plastic surgeon butchered a breast augmentation on a woman in Staten Island and gave her 4 breasts. She now wants to sue the doctor, whereas her husband wants to hug him and thank him.

A woman in Staten Island is suing her plastic surgeon because the doctor didn’t augment her boobs and instead gave her 4 breasts. Unfortunately, she still needs to find a male reporter that would pay attention to what she is saying and stop staring at her boobs.

A man was caught masturbating under a blanket on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. Passengers were all shocked… How did he get a blanket on the plane?

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. And unlike the terrorist on Christmas day, this one was successful and had an explosion in his underpants.

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. He is being accused of exposing himself and of attempting to highjack it off.

A man was caught masturbating on a Southwest Airlines flight from Philadelphia to Denver. I don’t know if it sounds like a sequel but apparently, the passengers claim they saw this guy’s snake on a plane.

There’s a Smurfs movie in the works. Would that be considered an Avatar sequel?

There’s a Speedy Gonzales movie in the works. It is a contemporary version. This time Speedy has to be faster than ever to run away from Lou Dobbs.

March 4th 2010

Leno’s ratings on his first show were outstanding, once again beating his competitors by a mile. He should be worried; you know that might tempt NBC executives to cancel his show again.

There's talk Anderson Cooper may replace Katie Couric as anchor of "CBS Evening News”. Apparently, the network wanted someone more masculine but Katie didn’t do well in the ratings.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. And now Republicans are saying that even Earth can’t wait for Obama to finish his presidency.

According to NASA, the 8.8 earthquake in Chile shortened the length of days on our planet by 1.26 microseconds. I don’t worry; my wife still manages to make my days feel longer!

A new rocket will enable humans to travel to Mars in just 39 days. Right in time for Senator Jim Bunning to get the heck out of here and hide from all the unemployed people that couldn’t get their checks this week.

Dwight Howard is the block leader in the NBA, close second in blocks: Senator Jim Bunning.

Tiger Woods is back at home practicing his golf swing. He hired a new coach; his wife Elin…

An Ohio woman taken to a maternity ward in her wedding dress became a newlywed and a new mom on the same day. I don’t want to say it was a shotgun wedding but the couple was registered in Target.

A New York City man grabbed a flash drive and swallowed the data storage device while in the custody of Secret Service agents. It was a mega byte!

A US court has ruled a group of 'zombies' have a right to free speech. So I guess tea baggers are organizing another rally this weekend.

A California man was sentenced to seven years in prison for shoplifting a package of cheese in his pants. That is not Gouda…

A California man was sentenced to seven years in prison for shoplifting a package of cheese in his pants, which is ironic because he said he did it because he was tired of living on government cheese.

The 8.8 earthquake in Chile shifted the Earth's axis. I guess we’ll have to balance it back sending Kirstie Alley and Kevin Smith to the other side.

Live fish rained down from the sky last week in a small town in Australia. Apparently, it is a new trend among Christian rappers.

Jon Gosselin's ex- girlfriend posted a picture of what she says is Jon’s penis online. I don’t want to be rude but it is Jon minus 8… inches.

Jon Gosselin's ex- girlfriend posted a picture of what she says is Jon’s penis online. Now that Jon is not doing Jon & Kate plus 8, he can definetely do: 2 and a half… inches.

March 3rd 2010

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, people discovered the problem on the steering wheel when they were trying to dodge Toyotas.

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Apparently, since Obama took over the company, all the cars started veering left.

General Motors is recalling 1.3 million compact cars in North America to address a power steering problem. Who says we can’t make cars like the Japanese?

French Roman Catholics have opened a pay telephone line to confess their sins where people pay 0.34 Euros per minute. No wonder Catholics wanted Tiger to convert to their religion! If he confessed over the phone, the Pope would be able to build a new Vatican with all the money Tiger would have to pay.

French Roman Catholics have opened a pay telephone line to confess their sins where people pay 0.34 Euros per minute. I guess I will have to continue sinning; I have AT&T and my reception is horrible everywhere.

President Obama had his physical exam on Sunday. His doctor told him his cholesterol level was high and that he needed to cut the fat and drink moderately. Do birthers need more proof he was born in this country???

President Obama has not stopped smoking. Would you blame him? It is so stressful to run the country and if you add that your mother-in-law lives with you, and Biden is your vice president... You would do the same.

President Obama has not stopped smoking. Maybe he should be more like Sarah Palin... you know, a quitter…

Roger Ebert debuted his new, synthetic voice on "Oprah" today. He said he couldn’t wait all this time to finally be able to talk and say: “Cop Out” sucks!

Roger Ebert debuted his new, synthetic voice on "Oprah" today. His first words: “2 Thumbs up!”

Kate Gosselin will reportedly be on the next "Dancing with the Stars”. Her kids were immensely happy; they will finally get water and food again now that there are some producers around.

Adam Lambert says he WOULD sleep with a woman. Yeah, Lady Gaga…

A new study finds that dim lighting can trigger dishonesty. So, are you telling me the stripper lied when she said I was hot?

Golf Digest magazine says that Tiger Woods received a phone call from Bill Clinton while he was on rehab. Apparently, Bill wanted to know if Tiger could share some of his Vegas contacts now that he is not using them anymore.

Oprah's people are denying that they're producing a Paula Abdul talk show. Rumors started circulatiing when a truck full of pharmaceuticals parked outside Oprah’s studio.

Dick Cheney suffered a fifth heart attack last week. I guess now that he is not the president he needs to attack something!

March 2nd 2010

The California state assembly passed a resolution making the first week of March "Curse Free Week." And to make it easier for everybody, they cancelled all the Clippers games for that week.

The California state assembly passed a resolution making the first week of March "Curse Free Week.” What about a gigantic Cuss Jar? If we show some politicians on TV that week we can raise enough money to save the state budget.

A 507-carat diamond sold in London for $35 million. I guess Tiger had a little relapse in rehab.

Gun-rights advocates are very happy with Starbucks policy to allow anybody to openly carry firearms when they walk into their stores. Starbucks people are not afraid of guns; they have been robbing you for years charging $4 for a cup of coffee and they never needed a pistol.

Gun-rights advocates are very happy with Starbucks policy to allow anybody to openly carry firearms when they walk into their stores. The baristas not so much, especially because they are the ones that have to tell their customers it is $4 for a cup of coffee.

A D.C. couple got quite a surprise this week when FedEx dropped a package with 30 Pounds of pot. Poor Snoop doggy dog; he must have had a boring party this weekend.

Johnny Weir called a press conference to confirm he is a man. There’s no news about a Lady Gaga press conference yet.

Johnny Weir grew facial hair to prove he is a man. Right after that Susan Boyle shaved her beard to prove she is a woman.

Last night was the end of the Winter Olympics game. Now the Olympic flame stays in Vancouver for a while… doing some shopping. Then Johnny Weir goes back to the U.S.

A silicone breast implant saved the life of a California woman who was shot in the chest. “That’s why, honey, I go to strip joints; I feel really safe behind those women.”

A silicone breast implant saved the life of a California woman who was shot in the chest. “Honey, let’s cancel our home security system, and call a plastic surgeon.”

A massive magnitude-8.3 earthquake struck Chile early on Saturday. Can somebody please rush to cover Pat Robertson’s mouth before he says something dumb?

J WoWW, of the reality TV show, Jersey Shore, celebrated her birthday in Vegas Saturday night. You know what they say: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. So, could you please lock her there so she doesn’t go back to her show?

The cast of "Jersey Shore" will return next season. According to some rumors, everybody in the show will make $10,000 an episode. You’d think they would be happy, but after all the money they spend on hair gel and spray tan it is a clean $5.

Vice president Joe Biden was caught saying: "It's easy being vice president. You don't have to do anything," during the Health Care Summit. “It is true,” said Bush, “as a Vice president, I didn’t have to do much.”

Carly Simon finally told the world the subject of "You're So Vain.” In a new version of the 1972 hit song, the singer whispers a name during an instrumental break. If you pay close attention, you can clearly hear: Simon Cowell.

Kevin Smith’s movie “Cop Out” debuted this weekend. And if you saw the theaters half empty, it wasn’t because they were kicking out fat people; it is just that his movie sucks.