September 29th 2006

Iraq
According to a recent poll 4 out 5 Iraqis say they approve of attacks on U.S.-led forces and want us out of Iraq. Apparently the main reason is that Al Jazeera started broadcasting the new season of "According to Jim."

Nearly two-thirds of Americans surveyed consider Iraq to be in a civil war, the rest are in Iraq fighting the Iraqi insurgency.

Dow Jones
Conservative pundits are frustrated with Americans citizens for not celebrating the fact that the Dow Jones has reached its highest number in 7 years. Unfortunately most Americans thought that the number 11,722 shown on the electric board referred to the number of illegals that cross the border daily.

High School
A surveyed determined that only two-thirds of America teenagers graduate from high school; the rest are practicing stunts to shoot Jackass 3.

September 28th 2006

Dow Jones
The Dow Jones industrial average topped its record-high close today. Apparently close to the midterm election some people are investing millions and million of dollars in the "seats" industry.

Clinton
In one of the latest issues before the elections Republicans are questioning the Clinton’s administration inaction on Bin Laden. The GOP claims Clinton did not do enough because he was distracted by the Lewinsky scandal, whereas Clinton claims he was not allowed to do much because Republicans were too focused on the Lewinsky scandal. In conclusion: Lewinsky blew it again.

Hilary Clinton defended her husband Bill after the former president was blasted by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for not doing enough to kill Osama bin Laden. When Bill Clinton was asked to comment about his wife’s feud with Condi he screamed: Catfight!!

Bush’s meeting
In a Rose Garden appearance arranged to show warmth and unity, the bickering leaders of Pakistan and Afghanistan shook hands with President Bush but not with each other. Apparently both leaders knew that the only one falling for the old joy buzzer prank was Bush.

During a meeting with president Bush the Pakistani and the Afghan president did not shake hands and barely looked at each other. At the end of the day Bush commented that the meeting was awkward and that he felt like Hilary and Bill’s marital counselor.

Depressed Mice
The active ingredient in the acne drug Accutane seems to cause depression in mice. Apparently the male mouse gets depressed when the female mouse chases him around to pop his pimples.

Screech
The "New York Daily News" is reporting that there is a 40-minute Screech sex tape out there that features Screech performing a despicable act known as a "Dirty Sanchez.” Once again Latinos have to do the jobs Americans do not dare do anymore...like work with Screech.

Golf
Bill Clinton flew to Ireland Sunday to root for the U.S. team in the Ryder Cup final round. That was an excuse, the former president doesn’t care much about golf, he just wanted to see if he could get a picture of Tiger’s wife showing her breast.

New Orleans Saints
The New Orleans Saints played inside the Superdome Monday for the first time since the hurricane. Lou Dobbs commented that even though the stadium was packed, the great majority of people followed the game on their looted plasma TV’s.

september 27th 2006

Intel Report
The National Intelligence Estimate was leaked Saturday, revealing that the Iraq war made terrorism worse and is creating new terrorists. President Bush was angered and very frustrated about it. Intelligence is something this administration doesn’t have much to start wasting it on a leak.

President George W. Bush and his political opponents argued about reports from a secret intelligence assessment on global terrorism. Most of the media agrees that if there’s something that this administration has is secret intelligence because so far nobody has seen it.

Electronic Vote
More and more precincts in the US are going to use electronic machines for the midterm elections. Some people are concerned that if some of the machines malfunction, the future of this country might be in the hands of a tech support guy in India.

Political Ads
Republicans and Democrats began spending millions of dollars showing at least 30 new campaign advertisements in contested House and Senate districts across the country on Tuesday. Apparently they both fear a new common political enemy: TiVO

Liquids are back
A woman was arrested after security screeners at Tampa International Airport found a loaded handgun tucked in her carryon bag. She claimed she had the gun to protect her most valuable asset... a bottle of water she bought at the checkpoint.

Air travelers may bring liquids back on planes as long as the liquids are purchased at the airport stores inside the checkpoints. Planes are looking more and more like movie theaters, you cannot get on with things you buy outside, and also the movies on the planes and theaters suck.

Air travelers may bring liquids back on planes as long as the liquids are purchased at the airport stores inside the checkpoints. Well, Dick Cheney and his friends need to make up for all the money they are loosing holding down the price of gas.

Myspace
The youth-heavy online hangout MySpace.com is launching a voter-registration drive to engage its members in civics. Unfortunately most of Myspace.com visitors cannot vote, not because they are too young but rather because they are really old and convicted with sexual offenses.

Rumsfeld
Donald Rumsfeld is about to become the longest-serving Defense Secretary in US history.....It certainly felt like it. He was probably one of the Defense Secretaries in the U.S. that fought against more generals during his service; unfortunately all the generals were ours.

Golf
Bill Clinton flew to Ireland Sunday to root for the U.S. team in the Ryder Cup final round. Actually that was an excuse; the former president doesn’t care much about golf. He just wanted to see if he could get a picture of Tiger’s wife showing her breast.

In other (lame) news...
A new study shows that breast implants have been linked to a significantly higher suicide rate among women..... Specially the ones that do not have them.

A study at Morgan State University in Baltimore, Maryland, finds that, at age 60 and beyond, disagreeable seniors are smarter than friendly seniors. Apparently the friendly ones do not have time to read or get informed because they are getting it on with the old ladies at the retirement homes.

In China the Government has started a ban on skin whiteners. Apparently the products had rare side effects on the users, a change on the pitch of their voices and crotch grabbing spasms.

September 26th 2006

Andre Fastow
Andrew Fastow, the mastermind behind financial schemes that doomed Enron Corp., was sentenced Tuesday to six years in prison. Fastow was taken immediately into custody after the judge rejected his request to commit suicide and travel to the Caiman Islands

Clinton
Conservative groups were outraged with the way former president Clinton mistreated Fox reporter Chris Wallace during a Sunday morning interview and requested a rematch. Apparently Fox Network asked Clinton for a new interview but this time the network is going to hire Nancy Grace to conduct it.

Reporters suspect that the Bush administration set Bill Clinton up with the Fox interview so they can distract people from a report recently released that says Iraq has created more terrorists. The media became suspicious of the plot because Clinton was flown in first class and was given champagne with a meal of fried prawns.

Gasoline Prices
According to a survey almost 95% of Americans seem to be happier with the steady drop in the price of gasoline, not so much for the economical improvement of their lives, but rather because they enjoy how dumb some people look now trying to squeeze into one of the new smart cars.

Pizza
In Pensacola Florida, Pizza delivery drivers decided to form a union. Apparently they are fighting for the right to obtain the minimum wage and also some royalties for all the porn movies they have starred in.

Hilary
Jerry Falwell claimed Sunday that evangelical Christians were more motivated to vote against Hillary Clinton than against the devil. For some radical Christians to vote for a woman that wears pants feels like a gay vote.

Axel Rose
During one of his latest concerts Axel Rose kicked somebody out of the venue because the person was behaving inappropriately. Unfortunately the show had to be cancelled as Axel didn’t have anybody left to sing to.

Vanity
According to a survey by a British eyeglasses company, the average woman spends two years of her life looking at herself in the mirror; specially Nicole Richie who needs to pass by the mirror 200 times to be able to see herself at least once.

According to a survey by a British eyeglasses company, the average woman spends two years of her life looking at herself in the mirror. Ann Coulter claimed she doesn’t waste her time with mirrors because vampire’s images don’t reflect on them.

September 25th 2006

UN general Assembly
After the heated speeches of Hugo Chavez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the U.N. decided to make some slight changes to the format of their assembly. Apparently in future meetings the speeches will look more like the Oscar ceremonies and everytime somebody attacks verbally another world leader a band will start playing music to kick the speaker out of stage.

During the U.N. General Assembly, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that the devil had attended that assembly and that it still smelled of sulfur. The Spanish TV media was impressed by his passionate delivery and offered Chavez to star in the Hispanic Soap opera called "Hugo y el diablo"

Clinton
This Sunday former president Clinton had a very combative interview with Fox News anchor Chris Wallace during the show " Fox News Sunday". That was Bill Clinton’s most heated argument since earlier that morning when Hilary busted him with a brassiere on his pocket.

Senator Allen
Facing what polls suggest is now a highly competitive Senate race, Senator George Allen has started a media campaign to demonstrate he is not racist. During his latest interview he assured reporters that in the TV show Survivor he is siding with the Macaca tribe.

Virginia Senator George Allen Allen reacted angrily when a TV reporter asked him if he was part Jewish. The senator claimed later that he did not want to hide his Jewish heritage but he was afraid to admit it because Mel Gibson could have been in the room.

Starbucks
Starbucks is raising the price of every coffee they sell up to 10 cents due to increasing costs in energy and health-care expenses. Fortunately for their customers Starbucks discarded the first idea they planned which was to raise the price of coffee 1 cent for every letter in the name of their drinks, which would have meant a fortune for some of the clients.

bin Laden
A leaked French intelligence document raises the possibility that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid last month in Pakistan. In other news, Charles typhoid is claming the $25 million reward for the death of Osama.

According to a French newspaper Osama bin Laden died in Pakistan last month. The CIA said that that is not a reliable source because in the same newspaper there’s an article about the love between the French and the showers.

September 24th 2006

Bin Laden
According to a French newspaper Osama bin Laden died in Pakistan last month. Ironically Osama went to hell and was welcomed by Bush.

A leaked French intelligence document raises the possibility that Osama bin Laden died of typhoid last month in Pakistan. Rumors are Osama is kept in a big refrigerator and would be killed again closer to the midterm elections.

Midterm elections
Several newspapers reported that GOP candidates don’t want to be seen with Bush because it would hurt their chances for the upcoming elections. Apparently most of them have decided to hold their fundraisers and appearances in libraries to avoid Bush’s visit.

President Bush
During a press conference Bush said that in order to send 100,000 troops to Pakistan to capture bin Laden we need an invitation because Pakistan is a sovereign country....... I don’t remember Iraq sending us an e-vite.

Nielsen Media Research
According to Nielsen Media Research half of American homes have three or more TVs . The problem is that with the arrival of Plasma Television, I need to stick three flat screens together to be able to put my VCR, the porcelain cat and the vase with flowers on top of it.

Halloween
According to a study by the National Retail Federation, Americans are going to spend 5 billion dollars on Halloween in candies and costumes to scare people. That amount pales compared to the hundred of billions the Bush administration has spent to spook people.

O’Reilly
In an interview with Barbara Walters, Fox News host Bill O’ Reilly claimed to be on the Al-Qaeda death list. Apparently this seems to be a new terrorist’s strategy: winning over the hearts of most Americans.

September 22nd 2006

Just some Friday's jokes.........

U.N. General Assembly
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says his country is peaceful and does not need a bomb. It is a pity because here in the States the TV fall season has just started and we already have several bombs we can get rid of.

President Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Hugo Chavez, spoke at the UN General Assembly and they all made a point of not listening to each other’s speeches; in TV land we call that: "The View."

During his speech at the UN general Assembly, Hugo Chavez recommended to read Professor Chomsky's 2003 book and the plug made the sales of the book soar. Several TV Networks offered Chavez his own Book Club and the hosting of an afternoon show to compete with Oprah.

Jackass 2
Jackass 2 opens today in movie theaters nationwide; not to be confused with the 2 jackasses, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez that starred in the U.N. General Assembly.

Jeffrey Skilling
Jeffrey Skilling, the convicted former CEO of Enron who's getting sentenced next month, was arrested for public intoxication in Dallas. Apparently he is drinking heavily so his future inmates will look more attractive.

Egging
Doctors at Royal Liverpool University in England studied 18,000 records of patients who received eye treatments and determined that thirteen of those patients were victims of egging injuries. Doctors advised not to throw eggs at people and also avoid tea bagging.

September 21st 2006

Hey I wanna wish my wife Lucy a Happy Birthday!! Love you!!!! She is an inspiration for all my jokes (that did not sound right). Please Jay, David, Jimmy, Conan, if you bump into this page hire me so one day I can buy her something nice (she is not enjoying anymore the Goodwill shopping spree)

Devil
During the U.N. General Assembly, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said during his speech that the devil had attended that assembly and that it smelled of sulfur. U.S. officials denied Cheney visited the building and denied also the batteries of his Bypass have sulphated.

During the U.N. General Assembly, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez said that the devil had attended that assembly and that it still smelled of sulfur. U.N. officials claimed that indeed the devil had been there but he had left after his wallet was stolen.

During the U.N. General Assembly, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez called president Bush the Devil. He immediately got an offer to write The New York Times editorials.

Most Corrupt
The Center For Responsibility And Ethics In Washington released its second annual survey and Seventeen of the twenty "Most Corrupt" politicians are Republicans. Republicans said they are aware of the problem and claimed they had worked to shrink that number but the Center For Responsibility And Ethics didn't accept any bribes.

The Center For Responsibility And Ethics In Washington released its second annual survey and Seventeen of the twenty "Most Corrupt" politicians are Republicans. Democrats begged Americans to vote for them in the upcoming elections so they can change the situation and add more Democratic names to that list.

Rep. Bob Ney agreed to plead guilty to federal corruption charges but before he gets sentenced he wants to spend some time in rehab to kick his drinking habit. Apparently he became an alcoholic because every time he would hide his bribed money in the fridge, he would be tempted to drink a beer.

Man of the year
Actor Robin Williams will become the president of the United States in an upcoming movie called "Man of the Year". Now we understand why he went to rehab recently, he was studying for his role in the movie.

TV
Fox is running a 30-second television spot with just one static image in an effort to reach viewers who fast forward through ads using digital video recorders like TiVos. Apparently NBC is going to use the same system with its 30 or 60 minutes shows to reach viewers who generally fast forward through the entire program.

Waterboarding
During an interview with Matt Lauer, president Bush denied to answer questions about waterbaording because he said he was afraid that would prepare terrorists. Bush feared that next time they interrogate a terrorist, they might come with a peg on their noses and flippers on their feet.

In a recent interview with people Magazine, singer Clay Aiken refused to answer a question about his sexual orientation. Apparently president Bush is going to use this as an example of why we need waterboarding as an interrogation method.

Ford
Just when you think things couldn't get any worse for Ford Motor CO, the Betty Ford clinic has changed its name to the Betty "Toyota" Clinic.

September 20th 2006

Boeing
Boeing will be awarded a government contract to help secure the Mexican border. Apparently they are going to use a couple 747 engines to blow illegals back to Mexico.

Crime
According to the FBI's annual report on crime, based on 2005 statistics , the safest city in America is New York. Unfortunately crime in New York increased dramatically in the last 2 days with the arrival of the world leaders that came for the UN General Assembly.

Electronic Vote
More and more precincts in the US are going to use electronic machines for the midterm elections. Some people are concern that is some of the machines malfunction , the future of this country might be in the hands of a tech support guy in India.

Xmas
The National Retail Federation predicts Americans are going to spend $457 billion on gifts this holiday season. According to experts this amount would have tripled had Tom Delay still been in power.

Bush’s ratings
According to the latest "USA Today"/Gallup poll, president Bush’s approval rating bounced up to 44%. Coincidentally that is how much the price of gas is going to bounce up right after the elections.

According to the latest "USA Today"/Gallup poll, President Bush’s approval rating bounced up to 44%. Democrats were so depressed some of them indulged themselves on a spinach salad feast.

Surveys
According to The Carphone Warehouse, a British cell phone retailer, 91% of 12-year-olds in England have their own cell phone. The other 9% have their own toothbrush.

According to Match.com, the average person spends 336 hours of their life kissing. Right Wing media pundits tripled the amount of hours considering the time they spend kissing Bush’s ass.

A study by an economics professor at the University of Warwick in England finds that you need to win at least $2,000 in the lottery before the prize makes a long-term impact on your happiness. Long term equals the time you need to scratch the 2000 tickets you are going to buy with the money.

New York Times
The New York Times New has a new layout in which it tries to separate straight news from the opinion articles. Straight news will remain straight with a laid out in justified columns, with even margins on the left and right, whereas the terrorist commentaries everywhere else in the paper.

Oprah
Oprah’s interview with former governor McGreevy scored massive ratings. McGreevy discussed his struggles with homosexuality and other current issues like the E-coli outbreak, specially when he recommended to other people to toss the salad.

September 19th 2006

Immigration
House Republicans pushed through legislation Thursday to build 700 miles of fencing in the U.S.-Mexico border. Most people believe this is done to please the conservative bases and it is not a real solution to immigration; not because 700 miles would cover only 30% of the border but rather because they are thinking of building the 700-mile-long fence vertically.

Capitol Hill
The Capitol Hill was shut down after a man crashed his vehicle into a security barricade Monday. According to the police the man thought the devil or some demons were chasing him. Authorities believe he is lying because you don’t escape demons by hiding in hell.

An armed man ran through the hallways of the Capitol after crashing his SUV through a barricade Monday in the worst breach of security on Capitol Hill in the last eight years. Ironically that day president Bush was giving a press conference about how safe America is under his administration.

The Capitol Hill was shut down after a man crashed his vehicle into a security barricade Monday. According to the police the man claimed to have graduated in the Patrick Kennedy academy of driving.

Discovery
Scientists in Indonesia said Monday they had discovered dozens of new species, including a shark that walks on its fins. Apparently they saw the shark chasing an ambulance.

Thong Movie
The mayor of a Nashville suburb allowed a movie crew to film, "Thong Girls 3" in his office. The other 2 previous versions were shot in the Oval Office and starred Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

Bush
President Bush will try to convince skeptical world leaders to embrace his vision for the Middle East in a speech before the United Nations on Tuesday. He will try any possible method even waterboarding.

Pope
Muslims Nations have demanded that the Pope apologizes for comments he made linking Islam to violence. The Pope said those words didn’t represent his views he was just quoting Bill O’Reilly.

Ford
Things continue to go bad for Ford Motor CO. Apparently the Betty Ford clinic has changed its name to the Betty "Toyota" Clinic.

September 18th 2006

E-Coli
The number of people sickened by an E. coli outbreak traced to tainted spinach rose to 109. Federal officials were shocked about it, not because the bacteria had spread so quickly but because there were 109 people in fat America that ate spinach.

After a reported E. coli outbreak linked to bagged spinach, supermarkets removed all the bags from their from grocery store shelves. Unfortunately nobody noticed it.

Ghost Town
A small community of about 1,000 in Georgia has become little more than a ghost town when federal agents began rounding up illegal immigrants. It is not called a "Ghost Town" for the small number of inhabitants left but rather because most of the remaining people wear white sheets.

Blockbuster
"Gridiron Gang," a movie about a football team of prison convicts, was number one at the box office this weekend. Apparently the longer lines in theaters were in Capitol Hill were politicians wanted to see if they spotted someone they knew in the team.

Immigration
The U.S. House of Representatives on Thursday voted in favor of building a fence along portions of the border with Mexico. According to congress they are going to build the fence using the racist books Buchanan could not sell.

The U.S. House of Representatives on Thursday voted in favor of building a fence along portions of the border with Mexico. It is not clear yet weather the fence is to stop Mexicans from getting in this country or to stop jobs from leaving the country to go to India.

Ford
The Ford Motor Company offered buyouts of up to $140,000 to all 75,000 of Ford's hourly workers in the United States. Unfortunately many employees couldn’t leave the company because their cars would not start.

Hollywood
Actor Bruce willis, a famous GOP contributor firmly denied to be a Republican. President Bush was asked to comment about it and he said " Watcha talkin' about Willis?

Actress- singer Lindsay Lohan was taken to St. Vincent's hospital after fracturing her wrist in two places. Apparently her mom and Hollywood directors are doing anything they can to prevent her from drinking.

September 17th 2006

Spinach
An E. coli outbreak linked to bagged spinach has reached 19 states. Government investigators believe malicious people might have tainted the bags; the main suspect so far "Brutus"

E-Coli bacteria has killed 1 person and made 12 ill forcing the FDA to warn consumers not to eat fresh bagged spinach, because they're afraid it could spread the bacteria. Health Officials noticed an outbreak of diarrhea in a lot of people, but didn’t react immediately because they thought it was just Republicans afraid of the upcoming elections.

Interrogation
During a Rose Garden news conference, president Bush defended using coercive interrogation methods to obtain straight answers from suspected terrorists. This is the first time that most of the White house press agreed with the president because they felt like torturing Bush to finally get a straight answer from him.

Pope
Pope Benedict XVI has ignited a firestorm of protest from Muslims around the world in reaction to his remarks linking Islam with violence. The pope apologized and declined an offer from Fox News to host his own show.

Pope Benedict XVI made some remarks that ignited a firestorm of protest from Muslims around the world. Apparently the pope made those comments while being pulled over by the cops for driving the popemobile under the influence.

Gas Prices
According to a survey more and more people seem to be happier in the US because gas prices are dropping; not because they will get to save a lot of money but because they won’t need to carpool with their mothers in law anymore.

The price of oil has dropped dramatically and the oil exporters in Middle East are not making as much money as they used to. Apparently some of the wealthy Arab families has now been forced to camel-pool.

Movie
Sen. Hillary Clinton blasted the producers of a new film depicting the assassination of Pres. George W. Bush. The senator said that "If you are gonna kill a president, please kill my husband "

September 14th 2006

Hey I want to thanks my American friend Ken for his kindness and for posting one of my jokes on his awesome article in Newsday. I swear if one day I get my Green card I pay a round of beer to him and to everybody that posts and reads my jokes!! Thanks again!
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun144890283sep14,0,2915739.story

Bush’s Ratings
The president's approval rose modestly in the last couple of weeks. Apparently the increase comes from the new support of several unemployed Hollywood actors who hope to work in future Democrat-bashing movies.

Iran
Officials of the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency said in a letter to the Bush Administration that the report on Iran's nuclear capabilities contained some "erroneous, misleading and unsubstantiated statements. During a press conference Tony Snow responded: "but what about Iran’s nook-you-lur capabilities? Huh?"

Whitney Houston
Whitney Houston has filed for divorce from her husband Bobby Brown, her publicist told The Associated Press on Wednesday. Apparently both of them are filing for the custody....... of the remaining crack.

Music Study
A study by a psychologist at the University of Leicester in England finds that only 1.5% of the country fans have had more than five sexual partners in the last five years, the other 98.5% have 4 or less cousins.

A study by a psychologist at the University of Leicester in England finds that 28.7% of dance music fans have had more than five sexual partners in the last five years. The other 91.3% doesn’t want to admit they had gay sex.

A study by a psychologist at the University of Leicester in England finds that 37.5% of hip-hop fans had more than five sexual partners in the last five years. Apparently only 0.05 of that total were consensual.

Air America
According to inside sources, Air America Network might be filing for Bankruptcy. Right Wing Media pundits were so excited to report the news that Rush Limbaugh didn’t even need to take Viagra that day to get aroused.

White House
The comedian and actor Sacha Baron will be a topic of conversation in the White House later this month when president Bush meets the Kazakhstan president. On that day’s agenda also: how to invade Iran, Iran a country that should be invaded, and what do we have to do before the midterm elections? Ahhh invade Iran

Cheney
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki hugged President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran during an official visit to Tehran Tuesday. During an interview Dick Cheney said that we have to invade Iraq all over again because Nouri al-Maliki has links with Iran

Barbara Walters
On the latest edition of The View, Barbara Walters claimed that her dog spoke to her. She added that the only other time she spoke with a dog was when she interviewed Camilla Parker Bowles.

September 13th 2006

Fear Factor
NBC network premiered this Tuesday night a new season of Fear Factor. In a press release distributed to the media NBC executives wanted to make clear though that they didn’t air Fear Factor on Monday night; that was Bush’s speech.

Britney
According to several entertainment magazines, Britney Spears gave birth to her second son. Apparently after the birth the doctor didn’t need to slap the baby’s buttocks to make him cry, the little boy just looked around and when he saw his future family just burst into tears.

Britney Spears gave birth to her second son. Nurses said Kevin Federlaine was very ecstatic about it and shared cigars with everybody in the waiting room including his other baby Sean.

Steve Irwin
At least 10 stingrays have been found dead in Queensland waters in Australia, in what is feared to be revenge attacks for the death of Steve Irwin, the popular Australian television naturalist. According to authorities so far the main suspects are a group of unemployed crocodiles.

Bush’s Movie
A controversial British drama about the fictional assassination of US President George W Bush premiered at the Toronto Film Festival in Canada. Those who saw the movie describe the main scene as gut-wrenching; apparently the murderer hands Bush a platter full of pretzels.

The controversial film "Death of a President," a fictional documentary showing the assassination of President Bush had its first public showing in Toronto. After a short burst of applause at the movie's end, about half the audience left the theater quickly because they have to attend their campaigns for the midterm elections as Republican candidates.

Washington Post
Former Bush’s speech writer has been hired to write for the Washington Post. According to the paper this is a new campaign to try to reach a new young demographic: people between the ages of 5 to 7.

Katie Couric
Katie Couric’s ratings have gone down since the first night when she beat the other 2 networks and now CBS Evening News is back to its third place. Media experts coincide that Couric’s ratings decreased progressively as the effect of her botoxs injections faded.

Education
Duke University professor Harris Cooper wrote in a research that Elementary school students get no academic benefit from homework. Lots of families are now suing the schools for causing so much stomach problems to their dogs that have been eating the homework.

A woman admitted to smoking marijuana daily with her 13-year-old son to reward him for completing his homework. According to the woman the rewarding system is working perfectly and her son is definitely going to get high in life.

September 12th 2006

Bush
During an interview with TV Host Matt Lauer, President Bush held a copy of People magazine opened to the page with a bare-chested Matt Lauer and joked about it. Thank goodness Bush didn’t do the same in the interview with Karie Couric and brought a picture of her colonoscopy.

During a prime-time address from the Oval Office president Bush called for the unity of the country and added that those who disagree with that statement are terrorists.

Life Expectancy
According to a survey conducted by the Harvard School of Public Health, the District of Columbia had the lowest life expectancy in the U.S, especially for lots of Republicans that will disappear in November.

What a Family
In Australia a woman involved in a failing relationship, stabbed her husband repeatedly, skinned him and used his buttocks to cook food for his children. According to her children, things were not much different than any other day, their father was absent at lunch and her mother’s food tasted like ass.

Mel Gibson
A new CNN poll finds that 45% of Americans blame the Bush administration for the attacks, 41% of Americans blame the Clinton administration for the attacks and 1 person in Malibu blames de Jews.

In other News
Dave Chappelle told an audience at some blues and jazz festival on Sunday that he walked away from $50 million because he doesn’t need the money to be happy. He repeated the same statement on his next 20 presentation and will need to say it 5000 times more to get close to the $50 million.

Singer-TV judge David Hasselhoff, said that princess Diana’s family wanted him to sing at her funeral. He added that he has written a song for the funeral but never released it until now: Jump off the car, before you hit the wall.....

Actor and former WWE wrestler Dwayne Johnson said in an interview that he is tired of being called "The Rock" and would rather be called by his real name now that he is a serious actor. Apparently what he doesn’t know is that reporters used "the Rock" not as his WWE nickname but rather to describe his talent as an actor.

September 11th 2006

ABC Movie
Former president Clinton and some people from his administration threatened to sue ABC network for what they called an inaccurate portray of the Clinton Administration in the movie "The Path to 9/11". ABC executives claim that if they have to be totally factual about what happened in those years the movie could be shown only in the playboy channel.

Former president Clinton and some people from his administration were furious with ABC Network for the movie "The Path to 9/11", not so much for the inaccuracies of the movie, but because the acting sucked.

Britney Spears
Media reporters are saying that Britney Spear might give birth at any moment. Apparently they saw Britney’s first baby, Sean, rushing her to the hospital in the car.

9/11
Today marks the five year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks and many people are commemorating it in various ways: newspapers printing several articles, TV networks showing documentaries about it and some book publishers are releasing a new edition of "My Pet Goat."

Bush’s Film
The controversial film "Death of a President," a fictional documentary showing the assassination of President Bush had its first public showing in Toronto. After a short burst of applause at the movie's end, about half the audience left the theater quickly because they have to attend their campaigns for the midterm elections as Republican candidates.

Irwin.
After the death of Steve Irwin, comedians all over the U.S. face one of the most challenging dilemmas in the last decade: are the victims in their jokes going to go swimming with stingrays or hunting with Dick Cheney?

Iranian President
Iranian president is visiting New York to attend the 61st annual session of the United Nations General Assembly. According to a report by the Media Department of the Presidential Office after that he is planning to travel to California where he would be given the key of the town of Malibu which is owned by Mel Gibson.

September 10th 2006

Bogus Marriages
The Justice Department announced a major crackdown on sham marriages designed to make illegal immigrants United States Citizens. Apparently they became suspicious of the fake marriages because they were lasting longer than six months.

The Justice Department announced a major crackdown on sham marriages designed to make illegal immigrants United States citizens. They say many illegal aliens are willing to pay cash for a fake marriage. Polygamist Warren Jeff was quite upset about it because he could have been a multi-millionaire if had he have known that before.

Mel Gibson
Air Canada removed an Orthodox Jewish man from a plane Friday for making the other airline passengers nervous. In a later statement, Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for the delays of all the planes in the world.

Bin Laden
Pakistan on Tuesday offered reformed terrorists, including Osama Bin Laden, safe haven in its territory as long as they behave. Bin Laden said that now that he is free to leave the cave, he promised his videos will have much better production and better lighting.

Link
A Senate Intelligence Report didn’t find any link Between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida. Apparently everytime you click the word al-Qaida in Saddam's Website, it takes you to a casino site or a porn site.

Michael Moore
Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore unveiled in the Toronto Film Festival his latest movie "Sicko" in which the filmmaker attacks the U.S. Health Care System and the pharmacy industry. Apparently Moore hates the pharmacy industry because those diet pills he once bought never worked.

In other News
An escaped prisoner accused in the videotaped kidnapping of a lawyer was captured Saturday after authorities swarmed an apartment where he was discovered hiding in a closet, together with Tom Cruise.

Producers of "The View" are really satisfied with the show since the arrival of Rosie O’ Donnell. They say they were sure of the success of the show because of the similarities between Rosie and Star Jones: both talk a lot, both have weight issues and both of them have a gay couple.

September 8th 2006

2Pac
This September 9th is the 10th anniversary of the death of the famous rapper Tupac Shakur. In most of his songs Tupac encouraged people to keep their heads up. Maybe if he didn't keep his head up while he got shot in the car, he would still be among us.

Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton was arrested early Thursday for investigation of driving under the influence. Apparently it took 4 cops to make her stop blowing the tube of the breathalyzer.

Paris Hilton was arrested for drunken driving. She was shocked but quite happy because she said she didn't know she could multitask.

Paris Hilton was arrested early Thursday for investigation of driving under the influence. She agreed to take the breathalyzer test and, allegedly blew a 0.08, which is more or less the number of albums she's sold so far.

After being arrested for drunken-driving, Paris Hilton claimed she had only had one margarita at a charity event. A charity event for Paris Hilton would be to have sex with 20 losers like me.

9/11 movie
Former president Bill Clinton is said to be terribly offended with the producers of the upcoming ABC movie about 9/11; not so much about the fact that the movie claims he didnt want to Kill Osama but because apparently the producers used Rosie O'Donnel to play the role of Monica Lewinsky.

In a letter sent to ABCs executives, Bill Clinton's people claimed that the content of the 9/11 movie is factually inaccurate. Apparently during the movie Hilary doesn't wear pants, only dresses.

Clay Aiken
According to a White House announcement, American Idol runner up, Clay Aiken will be appointed to the Presidents Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities. Clay said he is going to start working immediately on President Bush and then continue with the rest of the White House.

According to a White House announcement, American Idol runner up Clay Aiken will be appointed to the Presidents Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities. The White house also said they are planning in the near future to appoint Paula Abdul as head of the Health Department.

Cell Phones
Cellular telephones were found inside the rectums of four prisoners in El Salvador's maximum-security prison. You don't even want to know what their fellow inmates were using to dial...

Septtembet 7th 2006

Hi there, I don't usually write anything but I want to thank with all my heart Ken for posting one of my jokes in Newsday, it means a lot to me. (hopefully someday it'll help me to get my Green Card!!!!!)By the way those Myspace fans, you have to check Ken's blog, one of the funniest and interesting there.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun4880152sep07,0,7119253.story

And also wanna thank my friend Joe from Halife, one of the best sites on the net (if not the best) for posting my jokes. Thanks a lot, if you guys come to Seattle, just let me know!!!!
www.halife.com

Contaminated Water
Scientists say abnormal "intersex" fish, with both male and female characteristics, have been discovered in the Potomac River and its tributaries across the Capitol Region. Others scientists disagree and say it was just Ann Coulter taking a swim.

Scientists discovered an abnormal "intersex" fish, with both male and female characteristics in the Potomac River raising questions about how contaminants are affecting people who drink tap water in Washington D. C. Congressmen claim there’s nothing to worry about because they mostly drink alcohol.

Obesity
In a recent study scientists revealed that obese people are twice as likely to lose their eyesight. Apparently those who surround them might get blind too because I have been telling my wife lately that she looks good in those pants.

Film Festival
The Toronto International Film Festival this year premieres a movie about a fictitious murder of US President George W. Bush. According to Canadians this is the first time millions of Americans are going to travel to Canada for different reasons than cheap medicines and great strippers.

Google
Google is adding new services to its search engine and is offering news archives going back 300 years. Lots of people suggested this idea because they wanted to know more about the beginnings of the Rolling Stones.

Iranian President
Islamic Republic News Agency reports that Iranian president Ahmadinejad intends to travel to NYC and hopes to speak at the UN. Ahmadinejad told the news agency that if he doesn’t debate Bush in the U.S. then Bush might follow him to have the debate in Iran.

Islamic Republic News Agency reports that Iranian president Ahmadinejad intends to travel to NYC and hopes to speak at the UN. According to the news agency the fact that they saw Ahmadinejad buying diapers is an indication he might be staying at Mike Wallace’s house.

Al Gore
“An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore’s movie, is going to be released on DVD. The DVD is going to be totally eco-friendly and the packaging will consist entirely of recycled waste products. Unfortunately lots of people are going to be watching the movie on their Hi-Def TVs installed in their huge SUV’s.

An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore’s movie, is going to be released on DVD. The packaging will consist entirely of recycled waste products, including the movie.

Fear Tactics
Latest polls suggest the Bush administration's fear tactic might be working better than they expected. After Rumsfeld and Bush’s latest speeches more and more people are afraid... of them...

September 6th 2006

Genius Plan
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said cities shouldn’t count on more federal funding to combat local crime. He added that this is part of Bush’s plan; if we don’t fight the terrorists in Iraq they will follow us here, so maybe if we don’t fight the criminals here they might migrate to Iraq.

KKK
Around 30 Ku Klux Klan members gathered at Gettysburg National Battlefield this past Sunday. Apparently it wasn’t a rally to proclaim hatred for other ethnicities, but rather a get together to read Pat Buchanan’s latest book.

Around 30 Ku Klux Klan members gathered at Gettysburg National Battlefield this past Sunday to proclaim hatred for Blacks, Jews, Gays and Latinos. When the rally was over most of them went back to their regular jobs as producers of the TV show Survivor.

Suri
During her first evening news broadcast, Katie Couric revealed to the world the pictures of Suri Cruise. Apparently, after the show Donald Trump summoned a press conference and denied ever having had sex with
Katie Holmes.

Some media critics agreed that Katie Couric’s idea of showing Suri Cruise’s pictures during her first news show was a brilliant marketing tool. They believe people will watch that video over and over again because the baby is so hairy and small you need several looks to discern who is Tom Cruise and who his daughter is.

Rumsfeld
Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday. After the operation doctors advised Rumsfeld to stop the mud-slinging for a while so he can rest his arm.

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday. According to his doctor the injury comes from carrying over his shoulders the death of so many innocent and brave American soldiers.

Bin Laden
According to a study at the University of Bristol in England, if you don't shave every day, your chances of having a stroke go up 70% because your body accumulates testosterone when it's not growing hair. The Bush administration claims to have known this study and that is why they have been hiding Bin Laden’s razor blades for a long time.

Freddy Mercury
A celebrity Psychic claims that she talked to Freddy Mercury and he was quite upset because he cannot get any sex in the afterlife. According to Mercury there are only 72 virgins walking around but nothing that raises his interest.

Ford
Ford Motor Co. surprised the auto industry by tapping senior Boeing executive Alan Mulally as its new chief executive officer. The new executive promised he is going to work hard and use his experience in Boeing to make Ford cars at least as fuel efficient as a plane.

Rove
Authors James Moore and Wayne Slater wrote a book that reveals Karl Rove's father, Louis Rove, was homosexual. Karl Rove was infuriated and ready to complain about the outing but then he remembered what he did to Valerie Plame.

September 5th 2006

Boat Accident
There was a serious accident in Lake Texoma, Oklahoma, when one speedboat crashed into another during the High Roller Poker Run. Apparently both pilots were screaming they were about to collide but both of them thought the other was bluffing.

Terrorism
According to a survey almost 65% of Americans believe the war in Iraq has created more terrorists. If we consider Bush’s ratings plummeted, and anybody that disagrees with his administration is called a terrorist, it makes a lot of sense.

Bribes
According to CEI Consulting and research, every year, there's about $128 billion of bribing going on in Mexico. When Tom Delay heard the news He rushed to the store to buy Spanish for Dummies.

Rove
Authors James Moore and Wayne Slater wrote a book that reveals Karl Rove's father, Louis Rove, was homosexual. Maybe the Bush administration misinterpreted Karl Rove on his instructions to adress Americans and he didn’t say criticize Islamo Fascism but Islamo Fashion.

Snoring
A new survey by the British Snoring and Sleep Apnea Association finds that 25% of people say that snoring is destroying their sex life. Most men claim their wives' snoring don't let them concentrate while they’re having sex with their maids.

A new survey by the British Snoring and Sleep Apnea Association finds that 25% of people say that snoring is destroying their sex life. Most husbands complain that it is already difficult to do it with their wives while they are sleeping let alone if they snore.

Rush
According to some internet rumors, talk radio host Rush Limbaugh will reportedly join Katie Couric this week on the CBS Evening News. Apparently now the "drive by" media Rush always talks about will need a huge car to drive him around.

September 4th 2006

Airbus A380
The Airbus A380, the world's largest passenger jet, took off with a full load of passengers for the first time Monday. The A380 can seat as many as 555 people in three classes and has the capacity of losing more luggage than three 747 combined.

The Airbus A380, the world's largest passenger jet, took off with a full load of passengers for the first time Monday. The A380 can seat as many as 555 people and can hold up to 7 perverts and 21 detectives in Business Class.

Smart?
In a recent survey, the city of Seattle was nominated the smartest city in the U.S. Would you consider smart a city that pays 4 bucks for a cup of coffee that costs 1 buck anywhere else?

Bad taste
A man in Poland who lost his tongue had it replaced with tissue from his buttocks. He said he now looks fantastic, more athletic, charming and even more intelligent. Apparently he’s been kissing his own ass since the operation.

Rush
According to some internet rumors, talk radio host Rush Limbaugh will reportedly join Katie Couric this week on the CBS Evening News. CBS executives said they wanted to release a promotional picture with the radio host but needed a team of photographers because one wasn’t enough to digitally doctor the photo and make Rush look thinner.

FEMA
Senator Conrad Burns sent a letter to Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer urging him to declare a fire state of emergency more than a month after Schweitzer had already done so. According to the Bush administration If Burns looses in the midterm elections he’s got a place already as the head of FEMA

Britney's baby
According to Kevin Federline, Britney Spears’ baby, Sean Preston, uttered his first words. He said "Dada," which already makes more sense than any of the lyrics his father has ever written.

Britney and Kevin’s baby, Sean Preston, uttered his first words. He said "Dada". Experts studied the audio and the baby’s expression and arrived to the conclusion that the baby was screaming for help.

Latinos
Only about 5,000 people marched through the streets of Los Angeles Saturday for justice for illegal immigrants. Republicans were quite happy after the march, not because there were really few Latinos compared to the last marches, but because it seems the great majority are behaving more like Americans and would rather stay home eating and watching TV.

Al Gore
During the last MTV Music Video Awards, former Vice President Al Gore showed up on stage. People don’t know yet if he did it to talk about Global Warming or to reminisce about the old MTV Awards days when the robotic move was still hip.

During the last MTV Music Video Awards, former Vice President Al Gore showed up on stage to talk about Global Warming. At the end of the ceremony most of the young stars praised Gore for his speech and left the awards in their giant Escalades and huge limousines.

Former Mexican Presidential candidate Lopez Obrador insists he was robbed in the July 2 election and will never recognize his right-wing rival as president. He said the next steps to take are quite clear, he’ll get fat, grow a beard, and maybe shoot a boring movie.