January 31st 2007

The Police
The Police will reunite to perform at this year's Grammys ceremony, the Recording Academy announced Tuesday. The Police will be performing right after 50 Cents gets on stage and the brawl breaks out.

Castro
Cuban state television on Tuesday showed a video of a healthier looking Fidel Castro meeting and speaking with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Authorities believe the video is quite recent because in the background you can see cars newer than 1965.

Miss America
Most of the contestants of this year’s Miss America beauty pageant said during the Q&A session that they want world peace. So is they believe in world peace so strongly why is that I never see a hot woman at the anti war rallies?

Candidates
Judging by the great variety of presidential candidates, political analysts believe it is very likely that a candidate representing a minority can get to the White House in 08. Pardon my ignorance but “a minority” among politicians means an honest one?

Alcohol Test
A New Jersey school district plans to institute random urine tests to detect if alcohol has been consumed. The test is required by the students who were tired of waking up next to ugly teachers.

Coffee
"Consumer Reports" ran a coffee taste test and most of the Starbucks coffee reviews said that Starbucks coffee was "strong, but burnt and bitter enough to make your eyes water instead of open." and that was before they knew how much it costs.

MySpace
According to some web stats, Barack Obama has more MySpace friends than any other candidate. On the other hand John Kerry’s MySpace account doesn’t even list Tom as a friend.

Global Warming
Two private advocacy groups told a congressional hearing Tuesday that climate scientists at seven government agencies say they have been subjected to political pressure aimed at downplaying the threat of global warming. The scientists claimed they were forced to wear winter coats during summer.

January 30th 2007

Global Warming
A new study reports 13 percent of Americans have never heard of global warming. Apparently it was very difficult for them to hear over the huge noise of the engines of the SUV’s and the hair spray.

Democrats
According to a latest survey, 60% of American voters believe that Democrats are likely to nominate a White Male for President in 2008. That gives 75 % chances to Obama because he is a man and only half black, and also gives 75 % chances to Hillary because she is white and wears her pants like a man.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton got a big laugh in Iowa Sunday when she pulled a joke about her experience dealing with evil men. Judging by the response from the audience, it seems she is going to be the headliner of open mic Friday, and Kerry will just be her opening act.

Super Bowl Ad
After the buzz created around the Super bowl ad in which Kevin Federline fantasizes he is a superstar rapper and awakens to the reality that he is just a burger flipper, the company decided to repeat the formula. Apparently they are going to shoot another ad in which John Kerry dreams of being the U.S. president and awakens to the reality that he has to eat his wife’s ketchup for the rest of his life.

Long Lasting
A new topical spray treatment for men who suffer from premature ejaculation is said to delay climax by an average of 40 seconds. That’s 39 more seconds of hearing my wife’s complaints.

Cancelled
The TV show "Armed and Famous" was cancelled. Producers of the show realized the huge mistake they made by arming these people, especially when they had to tell them the show was cancelled.

Apprentice
According to Homeland security, the number of illegal immigrants that crossed the Mexican border last year has diminished considerable. Apparently Latinos are discouraged to come to the US because the saw the harsh conditions that the contestants of the apprentice undergo living in a tent.

Bush
Once again President Bush seems to be out of touch with reality. When he was told "Air America" radio was rescued, he immediately took credit and said my plan against pollution seems to be working.

January 29th 2007

Hillary Singing
A microphone mix up caught Senator Hillary Clinton’s voice singing along to the National Anthem. This is not the first time a Clinton was heard singing, last time a mic caught Bill serenading a intern with "I like big butts and I cannot lie."

People believe that the mix up of a microphone that caught Senator Hillary Clinton singing the National Anthem out of tune makes her look more humane, more genuine. When he heard those comments, John Kerry and Al Gore decided to offer themselves to sing at the Super Bowl.

Myspace
MySpace is close to launching local versions of its site in Mexico as part of an aggressive international expansion. According to a recent survey it seems like a waste of time because Mexicans would rather use Myspace in the US.

MySpace is close to launching local versions of its site in China. It’ll be the same Myspace page but a lot smaller.

John Edwards
Presidential candidate and advocate for the poor, John Edwards is being criticized for building a $6 million, 29,000-square-foot home. He’d better paint it white and call it the "White House" because that is the only chance he’ll ever be in one.

Bush
President George W. Bush concluded his annual State of the Union address this week with the words "the State of our Union is strong...” He was definitely not talking about the union of the Republican party.

Tens of thousands of anti-war protesters rallied in front of the US Capitol yesterday to pressure the government to get out of Iraq. I don’t think President Bush quite understood the march because he offered them a path to legalization.

In other news...
The Council of American-Islamic relations have renewed their objections of Muslims being portrayed as terrorists on Fox’s "24." They said they would go to Hollywood and complain personally, but unfortunately they are not allowed to board any planes.

According to the British tabloids, several important actors like Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman won’t work with Lindsay Lohan. Apparently they were tired of having their booze stolen on the set.

January 28th 2007

Super Bowl
The Super Bowl will charge two-and-a-half million dollars per thirty-second commercials, it was reported Monday. Last time someone paid so much for thirty seconds was Paul McCartney after the divorce with Heather Mills.

Hillary
During a recent visit to Iowa, Senator Hillary Clinton had an open-mic snafu that broadcast her singing along to the National Anthem. According to American Idol standards she might go the White House but never to Hollywood.

Anne Heche
Anne Heche and her husband are separating after five years of marriage. Apparently her husband was tired of the fact that she would never put down the toilet lid, she’d never take the garbage out, and she would sometimes come home late with rouge on the shirt collar.

Insurgency
According to ABC news, Iraqi insurgents are planning to infiltrate the U.S. with terrorists disguised as college students and launch attacks. The FBI says it would be easy to spot the suspects… they are the only ones that can afford college.

Tijuana
Officers in Tijuana were armed with slingshots, along with bags of ballbearings to patrol areas of the city visited by tourists. Apparently this would immediately stop the drug trafficking on birds.

Bush a Uniter
Bush’s critics were forced to hand it to the president and admit that he made a prophetic statement when he said "I’m a Uniter not a Divider". He got the impossible; he united Democrats and Republicans against his administration.

January 26th 2007

Scooter
Scooter Libby’s lawyers told the press that he felt abandoned and ignored by the White House as the leak investigation intensified. Abandoned by the White House? Welcome to our club!

In other news...
Supermodel Tyra Banks says she is not worried she’s gained so much weight. She claims she wanted her weight to match her ego.

According to a new survey, 84 percent of Americans are not currently working in their dream job. Look at me; I’m doing this lame survey when in fact I want to be a ballerina.

Grey’s anatomy actor Isaac Washington headed to rehab after he made some gay remarks on the set of the show. According to producers he did not go to the Betty Ford Clinic, he went to the Betty Prius Clinic instead.

NBC
The former treasurer of NBC Universal was arrested Thursday on charges of robbery. Apparently he stole 2.1.... 2.1 share and $800 thousand.

January 25th 2007

Kerry
An emotional Senator John Kerry announced Wednesday that he will not join the campaign for president in 2008. The senator said that his decision will leave him with an ever bittersweet taste in his mouth, because now he will be forced to eat his wife’s ketchup for the rest of his life.

State of the Union
President Bush’s State of the Union Address with both houses run by Democrats was watched by 45.5 million people across the four major networks. Apparently people tuned in thinking they were watching the TV show "1 versus 100".

(corrected version of another joke)
Alcoholics Anonymous attempted a revolutionary method that made their members feel like they used to when they were drunks in college but in a very safe way. Apparently they encouraged their members to play the drinking game and have a shot every time President Bush mentioned "New Orleans" or "Katrina" during the State of the Union speech.

Grey Anatomy
Producers of the TV show "Grey’s Anatomy" are trying to shut rumors that star Isaiah Washington has a problem with gays. Apparently in an upcoming episode Dr. Preston Burke, played by Washington, will give all the members of "Queer eye for the straight guy" prostate exams.

"Grey's Anatomy" star Isaiah Washington has entered a treatment facility to address his use of an anti-gay slur at the recent Golden Globe Awards. Unfortunately he’ll have to share a room with Mark Foley and Ted Haggard.

Worst Sound
According to a website, people voted vomiting as the worst sound in the world. What caused the vomit got the second place as the worst sound: listening to Kevin Federlaine CD.

Speech
President Bush faced a tense crowd at his State of the Union address Tuesday. Now that congressmen cannot accept meals from lobbyists, everybody was anxiously waiting for the end of the speech to attack the buffet table.

Castro
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez said Wednesday that his ailing friend Fidel Castro is recovering and has been up and walking - in fact "almost jogging" - in recent days. Actually Castro was running because he found out the doctors were going to examine his new artificial anus.

January 24th 2007

Spanking
A proposed law in California would outlaw spanking children under the age of 3. Fortunately for us, the proposed age limit will let us spank the Bush administration whenever we want.

Salary
Leftist Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, who took power earlier this month, said Monday that he was slashing his salary and those of Cabinet members. He changed just a bit the policy of other Nicaraguan leaders in the past that used to slash just the cabinet members.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton has thrown her hat into the ring, what gave her more chances to win than if she had thrown her bra.

Hillary Clinton has thrown her hat into the ring. Political advisers begged her to throw the old pants she wears, but to the garbage can.

Nerd
A Pennsylvania man has memorized pi to 12,887 digits. According to experts he has an advantage over other men; he never had to store in her mind any woman’s phone number.

A Pennsylvania man has memorized pi to 12,887 digits. Fortunately, thanks to recent radio contest, we know now what happens to those who don’t remember to pi.

Katsav Indictment
Israel's attorney general plans to indict the country's president, Moshe Katsav, on charges of rape and other sexual offenses. Me me me! screamed Mel Gibson to be chosen a member of the jury.

If things get worse for Moshe Katsav, he can always follow the new American tradition and go to rehab.

State of the Union
President Bush delivered the State of the Union address Tuesday night. The Oxford dictionary requested a rebuttal.

Al Gore
“An Inconvenient Truth,” Al Gore's film on the perils of global warming, scored two Oscar nominations Tuesday for best documentary feature and best original song. I just hope Al Gore is right with this weather thing and a big storm screws my satellite when he gets on stage to do the long "thank you" speech.

January 23rd 2007

TV show
Tonight tons of people will once again tune in to the show where Americans are mocked and ridiculed: "The State of the Union Address"

Alcoholics Anonymous is going to attempt a revolutionary method that will make their members feel like they used to when they were drunks in college but in a very safe way. Apparently they encouraged their members to play the drinking game and have a shot every time President Bush mentions Iraq during tonight’s State of the Union speech.

Candidates
More and more candidates are learning from the radio business and launching their presidential bids like radio stations switch format to play Xmas music before the Holidays, earlier and earlier every time.

Ted Haggard
In an HBO documentary, Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, said that evangelical Christians have more sex with their wives than any other religious group. Apparently they have so much sex that once in a while they need a massage to recover.

Divorce
It was reported yesterday that Sir Paul McCartney will give Heather Mills a $62 million cash and property payoff to end their bitter divorce battle. Apparently last time a Beatle gave somebody so much money for doing nothing was when they hired Ringo Star.

Latest Tape
Al Qaeda released a new video challenging president Bush and mocking his plan in Iraq. Al Qaeda leaders said they were forced to release the video because Hillary Clinton was stealing all the spotlight with her web appearence.

In a video released Monday, al Qaeda's second in command ridicules and mocks harshly the latest President Bush's plan for Iraq. After watching the video, Fox Network offered al Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri a contract to become an American Idol Judge.

Low Ratings
According to a Washington Post-ABC News poll President Bush's approval ratings are now the lowest for any president the day before a State of the Union speech since Richard Nixon in 1974; what gives Rich Little the chance of using the same jokes he wrote 30 years ago at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

January 23rd 2007

TV show
Tonight tons of people will once again tune in to the show where Americans are mocked and ridiculed: "The State of the Union Address"

Alcoholics Anonymous is going to attempt a revolutionary method that will make their members feel like they used to when they were drunks in college but in a very safe way. Apparently they encouraged their members to play the drinking game and have a shot every time President Bush mentions Iraq during tonight’s State of the Union speech.

Candidates
More and more candidates are learning from the radio business and launching their presidential bids like radio stations switch format to play Xmas music before the Holidays, earlier and earlier every time.

Ted Haggard
In an HBO documentary, Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, said that evangelical Christians have more sex with their wives than any other religious group. Apparently they have so much sex that once in a while they need a massage to recover.

Divorce
It was reported yesterday that Sir Paul McCartney will give Heather Mills a $62 million cash and property payoff to end their bitter divorce battle. Apparently last time a Beatle gave somebody so much money for doing nothing was when they hired Ringo Star.

Latest Tape
Al Qaeda released a new video challenging president Bush and mocking his plan in Iraq. Al Qaeda leaders said they were forced to release the video because Hillary Clinton was stealing all the spotlight with her web appearence.

In a video released Monday, al Qaeda's second in command ridicules and mocks harshly the latest President Bush's plan for Iraq. After watching the video, Fox Network offered al Qaeda deputy leader Ayman al-Zawahri a contract to become an American Idol Judge.

Low Ratings
According to a Washington Post-ABC News poll President Bush's approval ratings are now the lowest for any president the day before a State of the Union speech since Richard Nixon in 1974; what gives Rich Little the chance of using the same jokes he wrote 30 years ago at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

January 22nd 2007

Wal-Mart
A Wisconsin-based activist group, has filed a legal complaint against Wal-Mart Stores Inc. for allegedly mislabeling non-organic products as being certified organic in some of its stores. Investigative reporters immediately launched a search to find the person that goes to Wal-Mart to buy organic products.

Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney is expected to testify for the defense in the Scooter Libby case. I don’t know you but I would hate to be behind Cheney when he goes through the metal detector.

Survival
A man that crashed through a window in a hotel early Saturday and plummeted 16 floors survived when he was caught by a roof awning. The only other person that survived a fall that high is President Bush.

Work
According to a new joint survey by "Marie Claire" and "Esquire" magazines, 7% of women have answered a work phone call while having sex. The other 93% were having sex with their the bosses at work.

According to a new joint survey by "Marie Claire" and "Esquire" magazines, 12% of men have answered a work phone call while having sex. The one that will never be among that 12%: Kevin Federline.

Hillary Clinton
During Hillary Clinton’s speech to launch her candidacy for president, she invited everyone to chat. She probably forgot that the last time a politician chatted with people he ended in Rehab.

January 21st 2007

Oldest Woman
According to Canadian media reports the oldest living woman in the world and oldest living Canadian, died Thursday at the age of 115. After hearing the news President Bush commented " you see, the Canadian health care system sucks"

Democrats
House Democrats completed their "100-hour" legislative agenda in only 42 hours of floor time, less than half the limit they set on their election campaign. I just hope they don’t punch the clock for 100 hours.

House Democrats brought their legislative agenda to a successful close Thursday completing the six items Democrats had vowed to pass in 100 hours of legislative action. Can we now vote for new ones that would want to work hard for the next 100 hours?

More Nicotine
U.S. tobacco companies have increased the level of addictive nicotine in their cigarettes by 11 percent. According to the companies, with so many people quitting smoking; they thought adding more nicotine would help maintain their deaths quota.

Snow
Beverly Hills and Malibu got snowfall for the first time in forty-five years Wednesday. It was sad to see celebrities on their knees snorting their backyards.

Beverly Hills and Malibu got snowfall for the first time in forty-five years Wednesday. For a couple of days, Rich wives were forced to two time their husbands with the snow plow boys instead of the pool boys.

I don't usually post jokes on Friday because nobody reads them, but heck here there are some. Have a great weekend.

NFL
London was selected Monday to hold the first NFL regular season game outside North America this fall. If we consider English dental health, wouldn’t it London be more appropriate for the NHL?

Highest Band
British band Jamiroquai is going to perform at an altitude of 35,000 feet on a Boeing 757 to set a world record for the highest performing band. The previous record was held by Bob Marley.

In an effort to set a world record for the highest performance, the British band Jamiroquai is going to perform for an audience of about 200 people on a Boeing 757 as it cruises at 35,000 feet. First class passengers will get to hear the entire band, whereas passengers in couch only the drummer.

British band Jamiroquai is going to perform at an altitude of 35,000 feet on a Boeing 757 to set a world record for the highest performing band. Unfortunately it is going to be hard to break the record for the highest band because Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick was not let in the plane.

January 18th 2007

Democrats
The 2008 Democratic primary elections look very exiting and promising as more minorities are represented with their own candidates. Barack Obama for African Americans, Hillary Clinton for women, and John Edwards for White Americans…

Bradgelina
Hollywood couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, are leaving Los Angeles to move to New Orleans to raise awareness about the Hurricane Katrina effect on that region. Angelina said she was devastated by the ravaging impact of the hurricane and suggested she might adopt "El Niño" to help the area.

Oranges
The loss in California of seventy-five percent of its citrus crop this week due to record low temperatures can have a huge impact in the price of oranges. Senator Ted Kennedy showed concern about the issue and promised a change to take care of this problem: he’ll change screwdrivers for Apple Martinis.

College
The House voted Wednesday a legislation that would make college more accessible by cutting interest rates in half for millions of college students who qualify for subsidized federal loans. The White House opposed the bill and claimed that they already made college available for young people, forcing them to join the Army.

Britney
"In Touch Weekly" magazine says friends of Britney Spears think she's pregnant again... I guess not wearing any underwear makes it a little easier.

Hilary Duff, and Gloria Estefan are dropping new albums this month..... Britney Spears will be dropping another baby.

Rich Little
The White House Correspondents Dinner chose old comedian Rich Little to perform this year in their annual event. According to the organizers this year event might be held in one of the Old Country Buffet joints near Capitol Hill.

The White House Correspondents Dinner chose old comedian Rich Little to perform this year in their annual event. The organizers promised young reporters simultaneous interpretations of the old jokes.

NASCAR
Seventy-two year old race car driver James Hylton is planning a NASCAR comeback, that is, if they let him run with his Chrysler Lebaron.

January 17th 2007

Panda Diet
Zoo officials in Thailand have placed Chuang Chuang, the Panda, on a strict diet because they say he is too heavy to have sex. It was either the diet or teaching the panda how to drive a Porsche.

K-Fed
Kevin Federline is rumored to participate in a commercial for the Super Bowl. That is a commercial truck, loading and unloading food for the Super Bowl game.

Naomi Campbell
Naomi Campbell must attend anger management classes, pay a small fine and perform a week of community service in exchange for pleading guilty to hitting her maid with a cell phone. The judge delivered the sentence wearing protective gear and barricaded behind a glass wall.

Barack Obama
Sen. Barack Obama launched a historic campaign Tuesday to become the first black president of the United States. Some journalists are quite concerned, they fear that if they say Obama is running for president some people are going to accuse them of stereotyping African Americans.

Golden Globe Awards
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger closed the Golden Globe Awards ceremony presenting the award for Best Motion Picture Drama. Unfortunately most of the after parties were cancelled because it took until the next day to understand what movie Arnold had mentioned.

2 jobs
In Kirkwood, Missouri, a 41-year-old part-time funeral home and pizza delivery worker has been arrested for kidnapping two teenage boys. People in Kirkwood said that they always suspected there was something weird with this guy, especially because every time he delivered a body in more than 30 minutes, he would not charge you.

January 16th 2007

Condi Rice
Ashley Harder, Miss New Jersey USA, has resigned because she is pregnant. The now former Miss New Jersey said to be extremely happy with the arrival of a new baby because according to Senator Barbara Boxer, in future pageant contests, she’ll have more rights to wish world peace than other contestants.

Condi Rice was in the Middle East this weekend with a really difficult and stressful task: trying to broker a peace deal between the Palestinians and Israelis. She was happy; she really needed a peaceful vacation after the last couple of days in the US.

Hillary
Senator Hillary Clinton traveled to the Middle East over the weekend and met with the leaders of Iraq and Pakistan and Afghanistan. Former president Clinton, on the other hand, stayed in New York and met with the leaders of Hooters, Scores and Deja Vu.

Saddam’s Brother
Some political experts believe the decapitation of Saddam Hussein's half brother yesterday was planned by the Iraqi government to scare the Sunni Muslims. According to analysts the beheading didn’t have that effect on the Sunnis, but they cannot say the same about Bush’s brother Jeb.

Lips
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, between 2000 and 2005, the number of American men having lip augmentation went up 458%. Apparently kissing the bosses’ asses has become the only way you can get a promotion.

January 15th 2007

Radio Stunt
A woman who competed in a radio station's contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication. Members of the morning show would have lost the contest too because after they found out what happened to the woman they all wetted their pants.

Troop Augmentation
Senator McCain and several generals said during the weekend that we need at least 150 000 more soldiers to succeed. Apparently 20 000 troops would be enough for Iraq but to protect Condi from the U.S. Congress we need at least 150 000 soldiers.

Air Force sergeant Michelle Manhart was kicked out of the service for posing nude in the February issue of Playboy. Apparently some generals were concerned that if they had kept sergeant Manhart there could have been troop's "augmentation."

FAA
The Federal Aviation Administration is considering lifting a ban on commercial airline pilots past the age of 60 because some pilot groups have been lobbying Congress and the FAA to raise the retirement age. Apparently pilots are also asking to raise the alcohol limit to 0.20.

Nuke Attack
Studio sources claim producers of the Fox TV show 24 are pushing hard to have a nuclear explosion on the Monday episode that rivals the Golden Globe Awards on NBC. Organizers at the Golden Globe said they might also use a nuclear explosion if some of the winners take more than 30 second to thank the award.

Prince Harry
Britain's Prince Harry, will receive training to prepare for deployment in Iraq. The two-day course will drill Harry and his comrades in basic Iraqi Arabic. Bush’s daughters are also preparing themselves, learning basic Spanish to say “mas cerveza por favor”

Consumer Electronic Show
The 2007 International Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas ended Thursday. There were more than 2,700 companies offering its products. Judging by the prices of some of them what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Cheney
Digging in for confrontation, Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday that critics who want to pull back from Iraq don't have the "stomach" for a long fight, and accused them of playing into Osama bin Laden's hands. After the Vice President’s harsh comments, Democrats showed frustration and said they want to see “Dick in a Box.”

January 14th 2007

Bush
President Bush spent some time yesterday in a military base in western Georgia to see how soldiers reacted to his new strategy for Iraq. The White House is not that optimistic, especially when they found out the menu selected by the soldiers to have lunch with Bush was pretzels a la crème.

A picture of a teary-eyed President Bush presenting the Medal of Honor to a war hero in the East Room circulated all over the web yesterday. That wasn’t the only medal of honor the White House gave yesterday, the other awarded person was the photographer in charge of photoshop.

Tom Delay’s New Book
Disgraced ex-House Majority Leader Tom DeLay’s book is about to be released. The name is not confirmed yet, but some people believe it is called "If I took it…" (the money)

Disgraced ex-House Majority Leader Tom DeLay’s book is about to be released. The publishing company thinks it could be a great reading material when you flight in corporate jets, or while dinning in expensive restaurants.

Trailer Park
Residents of a coastal trailer-park town in Florida approved the sale of their community to a developer for more than $510 million. Apparently the trailers will be turned into luxurious houses for the rich. Just the opposite of Britney Spears that turned her luxurious house into a trailer.

January 11th 2007

Bush
In a prime-time address to the nation president Bush ordered an increase of U.S. troops by 21,500 to quell the country's near-anarchy. The number of troops to be deployed was originally 40,000 but generals suggested to leave some soldiers in the US in case the O’Donell-Trump war gets out of control.

During last night speech to the nation, President Bush spoke for 20 minutes from the White House library to lay out his plan for a new way forward in Iraq. According to experts, the president looked more nervous than usual, not so much for the content of the speech but rather because he had never been to the White House library before.

Hours before last night’s presidential speech, the media was hinted that the president was going to admit some errors on his strategy in Iraq before announcing a troop increase. When TV networks heard about Bush’s admittance of mistakes, they cleared their TV schedule for several days to give the president enough time.

Pelosi
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday she is banning the right to smoke near the floor of the House in congress. Some congressmen were really shocked, what are they going to do now after having sex with pages?

Homeless
According to the Department of Housing and Urban Development the number of homeless is approximately 744,000, most of them Republican congressmen that lost their seat in the last elections.

Cheney
According to Yahoo News, the house of Dracula in Transylvania is up for sale. Apparently Dick Cheney has already made an offer.

Mothers
Two mothers and their 13-year-old daughters were arrested after police say one woman drove her already suspended daughter to school to fight a teenage rival. What kind of mother is she? Let your 13-year-old daughter solve her own problems; let her drive the car herself!

January 10th 2007

New Technology
Steve Jobs has unveiled Apple’s new iPhone, a mobile phone that plays iTunes, surfs the web and is capable of storing about 3 or 4 leader executions.

Steve Jobs has unveiled Apple’s new iPhone, a mobile phone that plays iTunes, surfs the web, plays music and videos. Shiites gave the phone 2 ropes up.

50 Cent
50 Cent is releasing his own line of condoms. If the condoms have as many holes as he does, I don’t think they are that safe.

Malibu Fire
Suzanne Somers' multimillion-dollar seaside Malibu home was destroyed by fire on Monday. She’s never lied; those Thigh masters really burn calories and more.

More Executions
Iraqi officials are preparing everything for the execution of two of Saddam Hussein's co-defendants. They want to keep a low profile this time, so they hired K-fed to do the dancing around the corpses.

Democrats
Democratic leaders said Tuesday that they intended to hold symbolic votes in the House and Senate on President Bush's plan to send more troops to Baghdad. If Democrats have symbolic votes, shouldn’t we pay them with symbolic money??

Worst Dressed
New best buddies Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have shared the number 1 spot on Mr. Blackwell's 47th annual "Worst Dressed Women” List. Apparently, they didn’t know fur was IN again in 2006.

January 9th 2007

Idiots
For the past 150 years, New Jersey’s constitution has banned idiots from voting. If we think of some of the politicians elected in New Jersey, it’d seem that ban never took effect.

Smoke Free
Following an industry trend, Gaylord Hotels will go smoke-free in February, making it quite contradictory to have a hotel called Gaylord with no fags.

Picture
A photo of President Bush and Jack Abramoff taken at a campaign fundraiser in December 2003 has finally surfaced on the web. And just when you thought Jack Abramoff’s reputation could not sink any deeper.

Plane
A scorpion stung a man on a flight from Miami to Toronto. Where are the snakes when you most need them?

Strange Odor
New York officials evacuated a number of buildings and shut down some trains after a mysterious odor was reported yesterday. New Yorkers suspect the smell comes from all their sport teams, they stink.
It was so smelly in New York that people would rather take cabs just to escape the odor.

Purse
Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) said during a TV interview that Democrats got the power of the purse. You see what happens when a woman is the speaker of the house? Even the male congressmen are forced to carry purses instead of wallets.

Hot
A wildfire fanned by Santa Ana winds destroyed eight seaside mansions and damaged five others Monday as it spread over more than 10 acres in this celebrity enclave. When asked to comment about the fire, Paris Hilton said "That’s hot!"

January 8th 2007

Oprah
The FBI says a man tried to blackmail Oprah Winfrey for One and a half million dollars, saying he had recordings that would hurt her reputation. Apparently in the recording you could hear Oprah revealing who wears the pants in her house.....Gayle

Heroes
Two Latino men in New York caught a three-year-old boy as he fell four storeys from a fire escape. The Latino men instantly became city heroes and catchers for the Yankees.

Two Latino men in New York caught a three-year-old boy as he fell four storeys from a fire escape. And then some people think we don’t have an overpopulation of Latinos, in New York, no matter where you fall, you’ll always fall near a Latino.

Saddam
Some Saddam Hussein’s supporters believe their executed leader is now with the promised 72 virgins. Saddam’s problem now is that every time he tries to talk to virgins he chokes.....

Koran
US Representative Keith Ellison took his oath to congress on a copy of the Koran once owned by the third US president, Thomas Jefferson, making him the first congressman ever to break his promises sworn on a Koran.

Dick Clark
"New Year's Rockin' Eve" on ABC, hosted by Dick Clark, was once again this country's preferred New Year's Eve countdown show. People don’t care about the ball dropping in Time Square anymore; they want to see if the one dropping is Dick Clark.

Madden
A 14-year-old Layton boy found pornography not football on a video game Madden NFL 07 he received as a gift. The makers of the game apologized to the kid’s family and promised not to include the Minnesota Vikings’ party cruise next time.

Miami Port
Officials blamed miscommunication for the wrong detainment of three immigrant men at the Port of Miami on Sunday after authorities became suspicious of their documentation and the contents of their cargo truck. Apparently neither the 3 immigrants nor the U.S. customs agent spoke any English.

New York Apartments
The New York Post cited a survey released Thursday showing the average price for a Manhattan apartment passed one million dollars last year, and those are the ones with rats.

January 7th 2006

New Congress
Republicans believe that with Democrats taking control of congress the country is inevitably heading down the drain.... And we thought that the hope for an improvement would only come from the Democrats.

The U.S. House of Representatives, after installing its new Democratic leadership, voted 430-1 to ban lawmakers accepting gifts from lobbyists. Apparently the only one that voted against the ban still believes Santa is the one that brings the presents

In a day of ceremony and historic change, Rep. Nancy Pelosi became the first female speaker of the house. Well it seems they do not know my wife and have not visited my house.

Democrats said they expect a new spirit of bipartisanism. Unfortunately some Republican congressmen made it very clear that they only like men.

Oil
Oil prices have dropped to their lowest level in the last year and a half. Apparently the 3 Wise Men will afford to drive their new Hummer instead of riding camels.

Bush
President Bush said that in days he will launch a plan for Iraq. In 720 days exactly…

Rudy Giuliani's secret plan to run for the White House was leaked to the New York Daily News on Tuesday. That would never be a problem for Bush who has never planned anything…

Gates
According to Bill Gates, robots will be part of our day-to-day life in the near future. I didn’t know Gates was behind the Al Gore candidacy for president.

January 4th 2007

Mad Cow
National Guard troops will resume hay drops today in Colorado to try to save hundreds of stranded cows from starvation. Ironically they are saving the cows to send them later to a Beef plant to be slaughtered.

National Guard troops will resume hay drops today in Colorado to try to save hundreds of stranded cows from starvation. While at it, they are also going to drop some food at Nicole Ritchie’s house.

Wise man
During a press conference, Balthazar, the only black of the three wise men, made clear that he is not going to visit the US until Michael Richards sincerely apologizes.

Pat Robertson
Pat Robertson says God has told him that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in "mass killing" late in 2007. I don’t know you but I am going to pay close attention to see where Pat sells his properties.

Movies
According to studio estimates compiled on Sunday the movie "Night at the Museum" has been seen approximately by 12 million Americans making the movie the number 1 hit of 2007. Coincidentally 12 is the number of Americans that ever visited a real museum.

Eddie Murphy could be nominated for an Oscar for his performance in the movie Dream Girls. And we all know what a girl has to have to be Eddie’s dream girl.

Bush
In a controversial decision, President Bush is thinking of sending 40,000 more troops to end the war on Christmas.

Congress
Democrats in both chambers are promising sweeping changes to ethics and lobbying laws. According to some rumors Democrats want meals paid by lobbyist to not exceed the amount of $50 dollars, making Dennis Hastert reconsider his future as a legislator.

January 3rd 2007

Well these are my first jokes of the year, I am kind of rusty, I hope you enjoy them and Happy New Year to everybody that reads this blog. Thanks
Pedro

Kate Moss
British tabloids reported that Kate Moss married her rock singer boyfriend Pete Doherty at a Thai resort. According to the tabloids, for the ceremony, Kate wore white....... on her nose.

Oprah
Oprah opened a school for disadvantaged girls in Africa Tuesday. The school, among other facilities, includes a beauty salon which apparently will help students look better, thus increasing their chances of getting adopted by rich Americans.

CNN Mistake
CNN apologized for confusing Barack Obama with Osama Bin Laden during a Monday Night broadcast. Some right wing radio hosts also apologized for making the same mistake, but couldn’t find Osama to let him know how sorry they felt for mistaking him with the Senator.

New Law
According to a new law recently passed in California, it's now illegal to let someone ride in the trunk of your car in California. Unfortunately illegals will now be forced to run behind your truck when you hire them at a Home Depot.

Safe Cars
Toyota Motor Corp. is developing a fail-safe system for cars that detect drunken drivers and automatically shuts the vehicle down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol consumption, making Ford the most popular car in congress.

Bush
President Bush was chosen the top villain and the top hero in the world in the same poll. As the top hero, Bush invited everybody that voted for him to personally thank them, but as the top villain he asked the IRS to audit all of them.

50 Cents
3 "hip-hop novellas" published by 50 Cent’s "G-Unit Books" will hit the shelves tomorrow. The G-Unit books are officially being launched with a drive by shooting at the Borders at Columbus Circle in New York City.

Britney
While hosting a New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas, Britney Spears reportedly fell asleep shortly after midnight. Rumors are she was listening to her former husband’s cd.

Britney Spears' people are denying reports that she passed out in a Vegas club on New Year's Eve and was dragged out by her bodyguards. Actually the ones that dragged her out and drove her home where her two kids.
Electricity
Parts of Kansas are still without electricity as a result of a powerful snowstorm. It doesn’t say much of a country when your New Year resolution is to have electricity.

Dogs
The Ritz-Carlton hotel in Sarasota, Florida, has started offering $130 massages for dogs. The main problem for male dogs is that their waving tails tell their wives if they received a happy ending.

Saddam
Sunnis Muslims were extremely angered by the execution of Saddam Hussein and the way his hanging was carried out, not so much for the teasing and celebration after Saddam’s death but because they wanted Dick Clark to do the countdown.

2007
According to an AP-AOL poll, 72% of Americans feel good about what 2007 will bring for the U.S. The number will decrease dramatically as soon as congress resumes its new season.

January 2nd.

Hi there, I just got back from Argentina so hopefully I will start posting some jokes tomorrow. Thanks for those who contiued visiting my page. I now need sometime to redraw my butt crack and I will be back tomorrow. The trip back from Argentina took me more than 20 hours. It was longer than a snake's fart.I was more squeezed in the plane's seat than Pamela Anderson's breast in a tight dress, really uncomfortable. But like we say in Spanish "Sarna con gusto no pica"
Liked Mange does not itch (something like that)
Ok, I'll be back tomorrow.
Pedro