September 30th 2007

Amoeba
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people of the existence of a killer amoeba that lives in lakes and enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die. Scientist advised everybody to avoid those lakes unless you are a politician and in that case you'd be safe.

Minorities
The main Republican presidential candidates have skipped debates that involved gays, blacks and Latinos. Apparently they didn’t want to be there because the GOP have already had too many problems with minors in the past.

Lights off
Los Angeles will switch off its lights for one hour next month to save energy. L.A. officials believe the hour of darkness could cut energy by about 10% and increase the illegal population in 300% percent.

Divorced
A Saudi man divorced his wife for watching alone a television program presented by a male, an act he deemed immoral, the Al Shams newspaper reported on Saturday. If the man only knew she was watching Ryan Seacrest.

Old Whisky
A 157-year-old whisky was sold for more than $60,000 dollars at an auction Friday. The Bowmore single malt was bottled in 1850 to celebrate Larry King’s first contract with CNN.

Giuliani
People were outraged to find out that Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani skipped a black voter debate to campaign with Bo Derek. Not everybody was mad, just Giuliani’s wife and former wives.

It was reported that Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani skipped a black voter debate to campaign with Bo Derek. The GOP candidate explained later that he had to meet with Bo Derek because she was in Ten, and that's between 9 and 11.

September 28th 2007

Baby Bond
Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said Friday that every child born in the United States should get a $5,000 "baby bond" from the government to help pay for future costs of college or buying a home. After those comments the NBA players union has decided to endorse Hillary for president in 2008.

Childrens
President George W. Bush told a group of New York school kids on Wednesday: "Childrens do learn." Apparently, adulteses doesn’t.

While speaking in front of a group of school children, President Bush said that "childrens do learn." After that comment, two kids elbowed each other and said, "yeap, your daddy was right."

Government data showed Thursday that the number of U.S. workers filing new claims for jobless aid unexpectedly fell 15,000 last week to its lowest in four months. Apparently, there was a sudden increase in the demand for official White House transcript correctors.

Big Baby
A Siberian woman gave birth to a 17.1 lb. Baby. The doctor who delivered the baby had a couple of broken ribs and other minor injuries after he got beat up by the new born when he tried to give him the usual little slap to make him cry.

Hillary
During the last presidential debate, Sen. Hillary Clinton said she was going to have to talk to her husband. She had stated that there was no exemption for torture and debate moderator Tim Russert said her husband had said the opposite in the past. When Hillary got home later and found Bill reading adult magazines she changed her mind about torture.

Swastika
A U.S. Navy barracks in Southern California that resemble a swastika from the air is to get a $600,000 make-over. Apparently nobody noticed it until the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad smiled and posed next to the building and took pictures to send to his family and friends in Iran.

Minorities
President Bush told the GOP presidential candidates to reach out to the African American community because they could be digging themselves a deep hole with minority voters. Some the of the presidential candidates acknowledged that and said that to reach the minorities they are going to hire Mexicans to dig that hole for them.

September 27th 2007

Jenna
Jenna Bush said during a TV interview that her husband-to-be is smart, open minded, and a hard worker. If what they say is true that women look in their husbands–to-be for qualities their fathers have, it is obvious Laura had an affair.

Craig
Sen. Larry Craig said in a statement that he won’t resign and that he will keep his seat in the senate until the judge rules on his motion to withdraw his guilty plea. Craig said he is prepared, he got several papers to read and enough rolls of toilet paper for a month.

Bill O’ Really?
After eating dinner at a famed Harlem restaurant recently, Fox News Channel Bill O'Reilly told a radio audience that he "couldn't get over the fact" that there was no difference between the black-run Sylvia's and any Italian restaurant in an all-white suburb. Apparently in Sylvia’s as in any other Italian restaurant, they are very stingy with the bread and butter and the parmesan cheese.

After eating dinner at a famed Harlem restaurant recently, Fox News Channel Bill O'Reilly told a radio audience that he "couldn't get over the fact" that there was no difference between the black-run Sylvia's and any other New York Restaurant. It seems O’ Reilly expected an all fried chicken menu with watermelon as dessert.

Iraq
Defense Secretary Robert Gates asked Congress Wednesday to approve nearly $190 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2008, wars that we were told once were going to be paid with the oil revenues. Gates said to consider this money as a loan because we will recover it all with the money we’ll make when we invade Iran.

September 26th 2007

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The president of Columbia University Monday told the Iranian president that he was a petty and cruel dictator. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he has not heard such words since her mom used to tack him in and wish him good night.

During President Bush’s speech at the UN General Assembly on Tuesday, the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad checked his wrist watch repeatedly in a clear sign of impatience. The Iranian president explained later he was not impatience or tired, he has heard of the New York reputation and wanted to verify his watch wasn’t stolen.

During his speech at the UN national Assembly Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that in his country women and men are equal. He added than women are allowed to grow moustaches as bushy and long as any other men.

During his speech at the UN national Assembly Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said since he became president women are gaining more freedom in Iran. He said that since he is in power the leashes women are tied to now are a little bit longer.

Hillary
As a part of a new strategy to raise money, the Hillary Clinton campaign is giving away the chance to watch a presidential debate with Bill Clinton sitting in front of a TV set sharing a big bowl of chips. Apparently the disclaimer said not to trust Bill if he offers you chips from a bowl if it is placed on his lap.

Cash
State troopers in Seattle who stooped a Canadian motorist for speeding found two suitcases in the trunk, one containing $279,640 in U.S. currency. The driver explained later he was rushing to Canada with some small change to buy some food supplies.

Violence
Two North Carolina congressmen are offering a bill to require airlines to shield children from violent movies shown on planes. The bill suggests the creation of an isolated area for kids where kids won’t have access to movie screens and can’t be disturbed while playing Grand Theft Auto on their PSP.

September 25th 2007

Hi there, I don't usually post links to anything but this one makes me very proud. Back in the days, before I became crazy , I used to make a living as a drummer, playing jazz in crappy bars and playing pop in clubs . Anyhow now I work in radio and even though money ain't that good, working in radio has its perks.
I am playing percussion with Spike and the Impalers a band that we have in the Bob Rivers Show and yesterday I had the honor to play percussion with Alan White the drummer of Yes!!
We are rehearsing for a big concert so we need some practice... (I need the practice) here is the link of the video....(I'm the one in the congas....)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BRRUNzFQSY

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. He added that when you see two men kissing is usually a man and woman with a long moustache.

When University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran during his speech at the Columbia University, the audience broke in laughter. You could even hear the laughter coming from bathroom stalls over the foot tapping sessions.

During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. Some political analysts believe those comments were a smart strategy to win Dick Cheney’s heart and avoid an attack to Iran.

During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. He went on saying that in Iran they don’t have gays because they call them Jews.

During his speech at the Columbia University, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said there are no gays in Iran. He said "We have no gays in Iran, we have never had gays"

Snipers
According to military court documents U.S. military snipers in Iraq are scattering pieces of "bait," such as detonation cords, plastic explosives and ammunition, and then kill the Iraqis who pick up the items. The only one Snipers have killed so far was MacGyver.

Math
National test results out Tuesday show that elementary and middle-school students are making across-the-board gains in math. Apparently the new progress in math for kids comes from listening to their parents calculate how in the world they are going to be able to pay their mortgage loans.

National test results out Tuesday show that elementary and middle-school students are making across-the-board gains in math. Maybe now kids are going to be able to figure out how many calories the junk food they eat has.

National test results out Tuesday show that elementary and middle-school students are making across-the-board gains in math. Apparently the new progress in math for kids comes from figuring out how to rip their parents off some money to buy Halo 3.

Handcuffed
The Sun reported that it took the combined efforts of three policemen and 20 firemen to free a woman handcuffed to her bed after she lost the keys of the handcuffs while role playing with her couple. Apparently 2 firemen were working on setting her free and the rest were taking pictures and videotaping.

Deep Voice
According to a new study by McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, the deeper a man's voice the more women will want him. No wonder Mike Tyson had to use force to get women.

According to a new study by McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada men with deep voices have more children than men with higher voices, especially if you are a castrato

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is denying she had sex with a married man in the bathroom of the rehab center. Her excuse didn’t work, especially when she said it looks like she was having sex because she has a wide stance.

September 24th 2007

Bush
President Bush told author Bill Sammon that Hillary Clinton is going to win the nomatination in the Democratic party. Unfortunately for Hillary the president also said we will leave Iraq in 3 months and the Miami Dolphins are set to win the Superbowl.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad landed in New York Monday to be part of the U.N. General Assembly. It was quite embarrassing thought when at the airport some people handed him their bags, and asked him to take them to Time Square.

Snipers
According to military court documents U.S. military snipers in Iraq are scattering pieces of "bait," such as detonation cords, plastic explosives and ammunition, and then kill the Iraqis who pick up the items. Apparently so far snipers have killed 28 garbage men and a bunch of electricians.

Halo 3
The highly anticipated video game from Microsoft Corp Halo 3 was released Monday. Game reviewers agreed that Halo 3 is much more realistic and contemporary than the other ones; graphics are so good that you believe you are a Blackwater security guard shooting a bunch of civilians.

Fidel Castro
Fidel Castro appeared in Cuban National Television and said he wants to outlive the Bush Presidency. Bush must feel sympathetic of the old dying man because he is doing anything he can to make that dream come true.

September 23rd 2007

Fidel
A video of a healthy Fidel Castro aired unexpectedly on Cuba state television Friday evening. Cubans gathered all around the TV to see their leader speak to them, all around the only existent Black and White TV set in Cuba.

Confession
This February at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI instructed priests to make confession a top priority. Apparently the Vatican feels that with the growing of wiretapping some people believe there’s no need for confession anymore.

This February at the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI instructed priests to make confession a top priority. They want to know first hand where to start sending the abuse settlement money.

Iraq
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said Sunday the shooting deaths of civilians ,allegedly at the hands of Blackwater USA guards, pose "a serious challenge to the sovereignty of Iraq. The what of Iraq?

Marcel Marceau
Marcel Marceau, the French mime artist has died at the age of 84, relatives said Sunday. Apparently he is going to buried in his own invisible box.

Marcel Marceau, the French mime artist has died at the age of 84, relatives said Sunday. The mortician was really happy because he saved tons of money on the makeup.

September 21st 2007

Friday Leftovers..........
Bush
In a press conference Thursday, President Bush tried to assert that Saddam’s brutal rule over Iraq wiped the country clean of potential democratic reformers and said Mandela’s dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the “Mandelas.” The president also said that that is not happening anymore, because the Australian troops of Austria are protecting Iraq.

President Bush said he was talking figuratively when he said Mandela’s dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas. Bush said that he meant potential Mandelas and that’s why Iraq can’t have "Deal or no Deal" shows anymore.

Bad OJ Joke
After O.J. was released from prison he boarded a plane to fly to Miami. Apparently, authorities didn’t want him to board the plane, because, with restrictions on liquids, they couldn’t let O.J. board a plane. (sorry)

GOP
Senate Republicans Wednesday rejected a second attempt to give troops more time at home. Republicans claim that the concept would hurt the troops because Senators know how hard it is to spend more time home with their wives.

Giuliani
During his visit to England, Rudy Giuliani told reporters that he is one of the four or five best known Americans in the world .Unfortunately for Giuliani, most Americans know him only as the hot guy in drag.

During her visit to England, Rudy Giuliani told reporters that he is one of the four or five best known Americans in the world. Unfortunately for Giuliani, he was surpassed by the tasered guy in the video.

Flat
Sherri Shepherd, one co-host of The View, said Monday that she didn’t know if the Earth was flat. If it wasn’t because she isn’t a teen or beautiful, she has the knowledge to be the next Miss Teen South Carolina.

$5 dollar Bill
The United States Treasury's makeup department changed the appearance of the five dollar bill. Apparently, they are making it look more like the one dollar bill, which is more or less what it is worth now.

FedEx
FedEx says the current mortgage crisis is hurting the company. Apparently, people are now forced to live in their dog houses letting all their dogs loose and ready to bite the FedEx carriers.

Rumsfeld
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s speech at the Wichita Metro Chamber of Commerce in Kansas was canceled after "too many people objected.” It seems people got scared when the security “taser patrol” arrived to town to secure the speech.

September 20th 2007

O.J.
According to Entertainment Tonight, after O.J. posted bail, he left the Clark County Detention Center and boarded a plane back to Florida. How screwed up the Airline Industry is that a murderer and probably soon-to-be-convicted thief and kidnapper can board a plane, but a hot woman wearing a slightly skimpy outfit gets kicked out of the plane?

One of the positive sides of the O.J.’s incarceration is that the O.J. scandal is generating business for some people. The book "If I did it" is flying off the shelves now; cable news are experiencing a boost in their ratings; and the O.J.’s are about to record a new album.

Godtube
Comscore, an internet site that studies traffic on the web, released numbers showing that GodTube, a YouTube for Christians, was one of the fastest growing sites on the internet in August. Apparently if any of your posted videos get more than a million hits you are guaranteed to go to heaven.

Blackwater
Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki on Wednesday called on the US authorities to replace private security operator Blackwater, after a deadly shootout involving the firm's guards in Baghdad. The Bush administration apologized and said that they will send a new group of people that won’t be much of a threat for Iraqi citizens: A bunch of University of Florida police officers.

Keith Olbermann
NBC News host Keith Olbermann was hospitalized in New York on Friday after his appendix ruptured. President Bush wanted to show that he cares about one of his biggest critics, and offered him the Walter Reed Army Medical Center for his recovery.

Britney
After a judge ordered random drug tests for Britney Spears, the singer hit the Los Angeles nightclub scene overnight, Tuesday, and was seen drinking heavily. Apparently she told reporters not to worry, because one of her two sons was the designated driver that night.

Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner ruled that both Spears and Federline may not consume alcohol or non-prescription controlled substances at least 12 hours prior to being with their children. There go the chances for the kids to ever see their parents again.

Debt
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson asked Congress on Wednesday to lift the debt limit because the federal government will hit the current debt ceiling on Oct. 1. Mr Paulson said that if the debt limit is not increased, the White House might resort to drastic measures like starting to sell Bush’s memorabilia.

GOP
Most of the Republican presidential candidates decided not to attend a presidential debate at Morgan State University, a historically black college, in Baltimore, Maryland. Once again some rich folks decided to leave some black people hanging.

September 19th 2007

O.J.
The world's oldest man celebrated his 112th birthday, Tuesday. He said he hoped to live forever, but he could now die in peace, because he had lived to see O.J. finally behind bars.

The Iraqi government said on Monday that it had revoked the license of Blackwater USA, an American security company involved in a shootout in Baghdad that killed at least nine people. Blackwater members claimed they were just trying to recover some of O.J.’s memorabilia.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested in Las Vegas in connection with a reported armed robbery and is being kept in jail. O.J. confessed he could not escape in the Bronco this time, because he couldn’t afford the gas.

The incarceration of O.J. has not shown much sympathy for the football star. How much must people hate him that not even Al Sharpton has used the race card yet to defend him?

Languages
The Living Tongues Institute for Endangered Languages reported that one language completely dies out every two weeks. In the watch list are some languages that belong to the Aleutian or Eskimo tribes and the English language especially if Bush continues butchering it.

Kid Nation
CBS will air a show called "Kid Nation" today, a reality show where unsupervised kids were placed in dangerous situations to attempt to create a working town. Producers claimed they got the inspiration from Britney and her two sons.

Britney
In a matter of days Britney Spears got rid of two lawyers. It seems Britney changes lawyers more often than her underwear... I guess I can’t use that joke.

More Kids
UNICEF says that the fact that more children are surviving around the world than ever before is having a big impact in our society. For example, if you go to California catholic churches nowadays, they have a separate collection plate for future settlements.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey is reportedly leaving $30 million to her four beloved dogs. After hearing the news Obama started barking.

Oprah Winfrey is reportedly leaving $30 million to her four beloved dogs. How especial do you feel now if you are one of the show participants that only got a car from her?

September 18th 2007

O.J.
O.J. Simpson has been arrested in Las Vegas in connection with a reported armed robbery last Thursday and is being kept in jail separated from the rest of the prison general population. Apparently, Las Vegas police is concerned with the safety of the prison general population.

Before his arrest, O.J. was in Vegas to be part of a wedding in which he was the best man. That should give a hint about your marriage, if your best man is O.J...

Hand-washing
A recent study by the American Society for Microbiology determined that 33% of men don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom. Most of them claimed they didn’t need to wash their hands, because some Senator had held it and shaken it for them.

Emmys
According to Nielsen Media Research, Sunday’s Emmys broadcast may have been the least-watched in history. That will teach organizers not to threaten people with a possible Britney Spears appearance.

STD
According to a review by the "Mobile Press-Register", the STD rate in Mobile County, Alabama, is shockingly high. The good thing is that STDs mostly stay in the family…

Greenspan
During an interview Alan Greesnpan told Matt Lauer he was misinterpreted when he said we went to war with Iraq just for the oil. Greenspan backpedaled from the comments he wrote in his book, actually he didn’t backpedaled; he reversed those comments in a Hummer.

Lefties
According to a huge study at University College London, over the past century, the proportion of left-handers in the world has gone up. According to Fox News there are more lefties because of the unscrupulous work of Soros and moveon.org.

China
China will initiate its first-ever nationwide "no car day" this weekend in an effort to promote environmental health and alleviate increasingly-gridlocked urban roads. Or as Cubans call it: "Everyday."

China and Russia are spying on the United States nearly as much as they did during the Cold War, according to top U.S. intelligence officials. And the worst part is that they hired the Patriot’s coach to do the spying.

K-Fed
The FBI and the LAPD are investigating a possible contract hit on Kevin Federline. So far the suspects are the five people that bought his CD.

The FBI said there’s no evidence of a hit on Kevin Federline. Investigators arrived to that conclusion after they heard his CD.

September 17th 2007

Emmy
The Emmy Awards were held last night and Ryan Seacrest was the host. Right after the show, MTV invited Seacrest to the next MTV video Awards to apologize for such a disastrous performance.

The Emmy Awards were held last night but Britney Spears did not use the show to apologize for her poor performance at the MTV awards ceremony last week. Emmy organizers were frustrated because the other person they invited to apologize for last week poor performance didn’t show up either: Gen. David Petraeus.

O.J.
O.J. Simpson has been arrested for armed robbery. Apparently he stole some memorabilia and Britney’s spotlight.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for armed robbery and might end up spending a long time in jail. What makes it even worse for OJ is that now his prison team is going to get pounded by Michael Vick’s prison team.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for using a gun to steal some memorabilia items, among them, the suit O.J. wore when he was acquitted of murder. OJ said he is not sad he is going to jail, because he is expecting to be able to sell the suit he is going to wear when he is acquitted again.

O.J. Simpson has been arrested for armed robbery and might end up spending a long time in jail. Unfortunately for O.J., the position of runner for the movie "The Longest Yard" was already given to Michael Vick.

Hillary
The National Association of Letter Carriers endorsed Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton for president on Wednesday. They said the were very sympathetic with Hillary, because they know how painful it is when your ankles get attacked all the time.

Hillary Clinton will unveil today her Universal Health care plan, which ironically will make lots of Republicans sick.

Burglar
A burglar who learned how to commit crimes by watching the Discovery Channel is going to prison. He said he can’t wait now for the new season of "Prison Break."

Larry King
A city block in Los Angeles was renamed "Larry King Square." Unfortunately, all the arteries that get you there are clogged.

Jim McGreevey
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey says his wife's divorce settlement demands are unreasonable. He will give her anything but those beautiful stylish stiletto shoes he loves so much.

September 14th 2007

Britney
US Weekly is reporting that Fox has invited Britney Spears to appear on the Emmy Awards this Sunday to apologize for her disastrous appearance on the MTV Awards. It seems Britney has accepted the offer and hired a Southwest airline flight attendant as a her wardrobe consultant.

Bush’s Speech
President Bush addressed the nation and announced that thirty thousand American troops will come back to their homes. He then corrected himself and said that only few of them will come back to their homes, because lots of them lost their houses to the mortgage crisis and will be forced to live with their parents.

President Bush addressed the nation Thursday and told America and Iraq that things were working pretty well in Iraq. Unfortunately, most Iraqis could not see Bush’s speech because they didn’t have electricity.

CBS viewers were confused Thursday when they thought the News with Katie Couric went a lot longer. Actually the news finished at the usual time, the other person that had a colonoscopy, that just came from Iraq and has disastrous ratings was President Bush addressing the nation.

Trout
Japanese researchers were able to make a male and female salmon give birth to a trout. Well, that is what they told the little trout. The truth is it is adopted.

Southwest
A second young woman has come forward to claim that Southwest Airlines employees made her cover up on a recent flight, thus making Southwest officially the gayest airline ever.

Meat
Scientists said on Thursday that eating less meat could help slow global warming by reducing the number of livestock and thereby, decreasing the amount of methane flatulence from the animals. Unfortunately, with the increase in consumption of vegetables, people will increase their own production of methane flatulence.

Scientists said on Thursday that eating less meat could help slow global warming by reducing the number of livestock and thereby, decreasing the amount of methane flatulence from the animals. Dogs immediately pointed out they don’t fart that often; it’s just that they are blamed all the time.

September 13th 2007

Britney Spears
Wednesday, Jayden James, one of Britney Spears’ sons, turned 1 year–old. Before they lit up the candles, Britney lip-synced the Happy Birthday for him.

Jayden was not happy, though. Apparently, he heard Sarah Silverman in rehearsal saying that the biggest mistake he ever made was having Britney as a mom.

Fortunately for Jayden, he doesn't need to go that far to find a clown, and he even got two to choose from: His mom and dad......

Life Expectancy
The life expectancy for Americans is nearly 78 years, the longest in U.S. history. That’s really good news for teenagers, because they might get the chance to see the American troops pulling out of Iraq one day.

Chinese
According to Chinese officials, Chinese cigarette packs will have skulls or diseased lungs printed on them in the latest effort to tackle smoking. No news yet on printing the skulls or diseased organs on the toys they export to America.

Senate
Republicans on Tuesday selected Richard M. Burr of North Carolina to temporarily take Larry E. Craig’s spot as the top Republican on the Veterans’ Affairs Committee. Top Republican? I always thought he was a bottom.

Boy Robot
Hanson Robotics has designed the first boy robot. It didn’t take longer to get tons of buying offers, mostly from the LA and San Diego Catholic Diocese who see this robot as a chance to save tons of money in future settlements.

Hanson Robotics has designed the first boy robot, making today the happiest day in the life of Michael Jackson since the release of “Thriller.”

NASA
It was reported that NASA is giving Google founders a coveted parking place for their private jet. In return every time you google information about NASA astronauts, you get tons of pages saying that they only drink milk.

Rosie O’ Donnell
Rosie O'Donnell said in her latest book that she used to break her own limbs with either a baseball bat or a wooden hanger when she was a child. Fortunately for her, nowadays she has a long line of people that would love to do that for her.

Rosie O’ Donnel and Barbara Walters started a new feud after some comments Rosie made in her latest book. When asked about it, Whoopie said that it’s just a cultural thing.

September 12th 2007

Russian Bomb
According to Russian authorities, Russia has tested Tuesday the most powerful bomb ever made. American officials argued that statement and said the biggest bomb ever made was tested Sunday at the MTV Video Awards.

Osama Video
Osama Bin Laden released a new video this Tuesday. He didn’t discard a new attack to America, but not probably using airplanes, because last time he sent al-Qaeda members to highjack some planes they were screwed by a US senator in the bathroom at the airport.

Osama bin Laden appeared on another video this Tuesday with a more youthful look, with his beard and hair dyed dark brown, and a suiting white robe. Experts believe this is a clear sign Osama is undergoing a middle age crisis, especially because in the video you can see his new sporty three-hump camel parked in the back.

David Petraeus
A big part of the media believes that Gen. David Petraeus' testimony this week on Capitol Hill was written by members of the White House. Apparently the speech had only 2-syllable words, it includes the word “hard” every other word and has the phonetic pronunciation of the word "Nuclear."

The top U.S. commander in Iraq Gen. David Petraeus came under fire on Tuesday by Democrats and some Republicans. Fortunately for him, and unlike some of his soldiers in Iraq, he was wearing a helmet and body armor.

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig filed papers to drop his guilty plea in the bathroom sex sting. Apparently the papers were filed in a soft roll of 176 Sq. Ft.

Tangerine
Tangerine peel could help in the fight against certain cancers, researchers said on Wednesday. Cigarette companies said from now onwards they will wrap up their tobacco in tangerine peel.

Syndicated columnists
A recent study shows that conservative syndicated columnists get more space than their progressive counterparts in American Newspapers. Obviously you need more space and millions of words to try to explain what the Bush administration is doing.

Wiretapping
Republican Senator Kit Bond said Monday that he wants to expand the law to allow monitoring of all types of communications including telephone conversations, e-mails and foot tapping in restrooms.

September 11th 2007

Petraeus
Gen. David Petraeus testified before congress Monday about the situation in Iraq, and presented what for a lot of people was a cooked report. The hearing was broadcast by C-Span and the Food Network.

Food Labels
Federal health officials are considering adding easy to understand symbols with nutrition information to food labels. Apparently those food products that are healthy will carry a photo of Britney from an old MTV Awards performance, and those fattening, high cholesterol products, a picture of her last MTV performance.

Osama
Osama bin Laden appeared this Tuesday for the second time in a week in a new video. Al-Qaeda members reported on their website that those who missed the first one should not worry because they can catch the entire season in a future DVD.

A new video featuring an introduction from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden was released Tuesday. In the new video Osama looks thin, young, with a dyed-black beard, wearing a white robe, and in an opening statement tells Britney how to have a better come back.

Senator Vitter
A former New Orleans prostitute who says she had an affair with Sen. David Vitter will provide details at a press conference Tuesday. When asked about, Sen. Larry Craig said that David Vitter is a “nasty, naughty boy.”

A former New Orleans prostitute, who says she had an affair with Sen. David Vitter, will provide details at a press conference Tuesday. As it was not a gay affair, the ratings of Sen. David Vitter have increased dramatically among Conservative voters.

Thompson
GOP White House hopeful Fred Thompson told Iowans yesterday that the Al Qaeda smoking ban was one of the reasons why Sunnis in Anbar province bolted to the U.S. side. Apparently, Iraqis rather die from cancer than as suicide bombers.

GOP White House hopeful Fred Thompson told Iowans yesterday that the Al Qaeda smoking ban was one of the reasons why Sunnis in Anbar province bolted to the U.S. side. Well, we all know how much Iraqis love their camels.

Britney Spears
One of the celebrity blogs blames Britey’s bad performance at the MTV Video Awards on a broken stiletto heel. Apparently they saw Britney moments before her performance using the heel to skewer a chicken shish kabob.

Univision
The Democratic presidential debate hosted by Spanish Channel Univision was so far the most watched of all the presidential debates. Apparently the candidates’ nannies, maids and servants wanted to check the TV to know when their bosses would come back home and in the meantime make out with their boyfriends and girlfriends in the house.

September 10th 2007

Britney
Britney Spears opened Sunday Night the MTV Video Awards with a performance that critics called deplorable. Apparently the only lucky ones were her two kids whom she had left alone inside the car in the parking lot all day in a scorching hot day.

Magician Chris Angel was not part of Britney Spears’ opening act Sunday Night at the MTV Video Awards. Rumors are that he saw Britney in rehearsal and decided to make himself disappear.

Britney Spears opened Sunday Night the MTV video awards performing her new song "Gimme More," which according to the way she looked on stage means gimme more Cheetos, ciggies, burgers, and of course, talent.

Democratic Presidential Debate
Democrats held Sunday the first presidential debate in Spanish. It proved Democrats are more versatile than Republicans; they can BS in two languages.

President Bush said yesterday he was angered by the fact that Democrats had a presidential debate in a language he cannot totally understand. The sad part was he was not talking about the Democratic presidential debate in Spanish, but rather about the one they had two weeks ago in English.

Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden has made a new video in which he slams Democrats, talks about lowering taxes and joining his religion. If it wasn’t for the beard, everybody would have thought it was Fred Thompson launching his candidacy on his website video.

In the latest Bin Laden’s video, Osama talks about the devastating effect of global warming. It is understandable; do you know how hot it gets inside the cave when you wear a robe and a turban?

Osama Bin Laden has made a new video in which he made references to the mortgage crisis. Apparently the interests in the loan for his new two-room-cave are killing him.

GOP
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is urging the GOP to reclaim the middle. GOP officials replied that if there’s something Republicans have not lost lately is the middle, specially the middle finger.

Church Settlement
The Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego has reached a $198 million settlement with people who were sexually abused by Catholic priests and church workers. It is not that they abused less people than the Roman Catholic Diocese of LA, they just paid $10 dollars each.

Tribes
The leader of an unrecognized American Indian tribe was charged Friday for stealing money under the false pretense of selling illegal immigrants documents to become US citizens. Apparently, tribes are only allowed to steal people’s money in the Casinos.

Gay Studies
More and more American universities are now offering full-fledged minors in gay studies. The new classes range from Foot-tapping 101 to best bathroom hook-ups in America.

Heart Attacks
A new study suggests that young adults who lose their teeth to cavities or gum disease may have an increased risk of dying from heart disease later in life. Still, the number is much smaller compare to the people who died from heart attacks when they found out they had to go to the dentist for an extraction.

September 7th 2007

Friday's Leftovers......

Osama
Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden will soon issue a video message to the American people. Apparently in the opening statement Osama says: "I am not gay, I have never been gay."

Population
A conservative research group says a new report shows that 105 million people will be added to the U.S. population by 2060, apparently caused by the import of Chinese condoms.

Bill Clinton
These past two days, Bill Clinton had numerous TV appearances to promote his new book "Giving." The last time Bill showed up on TV this much, was not for Giving, but for Receiving.

Larry Craig
Supporters of Sen. Larry Craig are calling for a boycott of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul Airport: They are asking people to have foot-tapping sessions at the Minneapolis train station.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears will perform at the MTV Music Awards. The pop star wants to top her two previous performances, so this time one of her kids will be playing with a snake while the other kisses Madonna’s new little baby.

September 6th 2007

WarHeads
The US Air Force reported last week that a B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states. An Air Force spokesman told the press that America was not in danger because liquids or gels were not allowed in the plane.

The US Air Force reported last week that A B-52 bomber was mistakenly armed with six nuclear warheads and flown for more than three hours across several states. Apparently, it was Cheney’s secret plan to nuke every airport bathroom in the country to avoid future problems for the Republican Party.

Rich Dog
The New York Post reported Tuesday that Leona Helmsley's brother, Alvin Rosenthal, is not interested in taking care of the dog that has just inherited $12 million dollars. Apparently, Mr Rosenthal complains that since the dog got rich, the pooch blames him every time it passes gas.

Bush
In an upcoming book, President Bush said that after leaving the White House, he is thinking of making some money by giving speeches around the world. Leaders of the world are eager to hear what Bush has to say about his presidency, and then do the total opposite in their countries.

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig said he is reconsidering his resignation because he received thousand of phone calls from people telling him to fight for his seat. The phone calls came mostly from comedians who still have a mortgage to pay.

Senator Larry Craig’s sons defended their father in the Today’s Show and said he was just a victim of circumstance, actually Wide stance.

Halle Berry
Halle Berry has announced that she is pregnant and she said that she’ll keep the baby. Apparently, Halle Berry had an abortion in the past: the movie “Catwoman.”

Popcorn
A doctor is blaming a man's lung cancer on the man's daily habit of consuming several bags of microwave popcorn with extra butter flavoring. The doctor advised his patience’s co-workers to check their lungs for cancer too, because he believes they could have been exposed to second-hand farting.

September 5th 2007

Jerry Lewis
Jerry Lewis is under fire for using an anti-gay slur during his annual telethon this Labor Day Weekend, a telethon that raised nearly $64 million, topping last year's event by $3 million. After such an incredible success, charities organizations have already booked Isaac Washington and radio host Michael Savage to host future charity events.

Jerry Lewis used an anti-gay slur during the 18th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon. Fortunately for Lewis the telethon only had 21 hours and 30 minutes because at the 22nd hour he would have probably started with the N word jokes.

Larry Craig
Sen. Larry Craig is reconsidering his decision to resign after the June arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting. The senator said he is gonna fight for his seat like he did so many times in crowded restrooms.

Woopi
Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the show "The View" Tuesday to defend football star Michael Vick in his dog fighting case. Whoopi said there’s nothing wrong about dog fighting, after all, bitch fighting is what made “The View” popular.

McCain
Presidential hopeful John McCain called a student "a jerk" after the kid said McCain is too old to be president and that he would probably get Alzheimer's while in office. When McCain was asked about the incident immediately after it occurred, the senator said he didn’t remember a thing about it.

Trucks
Many truckers from the US are concerned about a new one-year pilot program that would allow Mexican trucks to cross the border and carry cargo through the U.S. US truckers believe the competition will be unfair, because Mexican truckers know all the shortcuts and hidden routes in America.

Bush
President Bush said in an upcoming book that after he is out of the office he is going to concentrate in making money. Unlike Cheney who is going to concentrate in spending all the money he made while he was in office.

Benchmarks
A report from the Government Accountability Office says Iraq has not met 11 of its 18 political and security goals. President Bush called a press conference and said the 7 of 18 is much better than 9 of 11.

September 4th 2007

Bush
President Bush visited Iraq Monday and raised the possibility of U.S. troop cuts in Iraq… cuts, bruises and deep wounds.

President Bush tried to keep Monday’s visit to Iraq as a total secret but it didn’t work. Apparently somebody alerted Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzales and Tony Snow they were in the list of travelers.

In an upcoming book, President Bush said that after leaving the White House, he is thinking of making some money by giving speeches. Apparently he already got the sponsorship of "Hooked on Phonics."

China
The government of China set up a new recall system for food that fails to pass strict safety inspections. Apparently, they send it first to America, and if nobody dies, they distribute it among Chinese people.

Clintons
Today is a busy day for the Clintons. Hillary Clinton had a scheduled visit with Ellen DeGeneres, Bill with Oprah, and Chelsea with the shrink.

As part of their political campaign Democratic Candidates are planning TV appearances in the upcoming months: Barack Obama will appear in The Tyra Banks Show, Hillary Clinton will do the Ellen DeGeneres Show, and Denis Kucinich will show up in the show Cheaters chasing his wife.

Today Ellen DeGeneres will interview Hillary Clinton for the season premiere of "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." Producers of the show promised a revealing interview in which the well known lesbian, man-eater, and pant -wearer will have the chance to speak with Ellen.

Jobs
According to a new report by the U.N.'s International Labor Organization, American workers are the most productive workers in the entire world, so much so that they can even make money seating on a toilet at an airport.

Winehouse
Amy Winehouse believes that having a baby will bring her the stability she needs, especially when the baby holds the needle.

Fred Thompson
Possible presidential candidate Fred Thompson is expected to officially enter the race this week. Political analysts believe his entry comes remarkably late in a campaign cycle that began days after the 2006 midterm elections. Thompson has delayed his decision so much, that he could be the perfect candidate for FEMA

Bridge
Russian police have detained a 45-year-old municipal worker for stealing a bridge. Police said the man chopped it up and sold it for scrap to Halliburton to reconstruct the bridge in Minnesota.

September 3rd 2007

Iraq
President Bush and his national security team made a surprise visit to Iraq Monday. Bush admitted to reporters that the surge was not working, but he said it was not working because it was labor day.

Miracles
Tiny Appalachian State shocked Michigan in a 34-32 football win Saturday; giving hope to all the Kuciniches and Brownbacks of the world.

Bush
In an upcoming book, president Bush suggests that after he's done as a president he will be running what he calls "a fantastic Freedom Institute." Ironically, and according to some Democrats, Bush might be running the Freedom Institute from jail.

Poverty
Poverty has been listed as the main cause of obesity in the South. I think those statistics are reversed and obesity should be listed as the main cause for poverty.

Thin TV
Japan's Sharp Corp on Thursday unveiled a prototype of what it called the world's thinnest LCD TV with a main display section only 20 mm thick. The screen is so thin that Nicole Richie looks fatter than Rossie O’ Donel.

Airports
This labor day weekend , the State Department of Transportation officials advised passengers to arrive an hour early to the airports and to remember all the banned products like liquids, deodorants and one they just added: I-pods in all airport restrooms to avoid foot tapping confusions.

September 2nd 2007

Tony Snow
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said he had to quit his job because it doesn’t pay enough to maintain a family and has run out of money. Snow said he’ll go back to working in Fox News where lies are better remunerated.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow resigned Friday and expected to go back to working pretty soon. He said he need a couple of months of vacation to recover from the dizziness, lightheadedness caused by so much spinning in the White House.

Campaigns
John McCain and Mitt Romney had staff members of their presidential campaigns involved in lewd conduct in public restrooms. Rudi Giuliani doesn’t want any problems so he just castrated all his campaign staffers.

Larry Craig
Senator Larry Craig has hired Michael Vick's lawyer, to represent him in his upcoming legal proceedings. The senator was looking for a lawyer with experience in dog fighting and cock fighting.

Senator Larry Craig has hired Michael Vick's lawyer, to represent him in his upcoming legal proceedings. I don’t think Craig understood the lawyer’s advice because the senator now claims he found Jesus in a stall next to his.

Despite Larry Craig’s resignation as a senator, there is no indication to date that the National Rifle Association will ask the Republican Senator to step down from its board of directors. Apparently the NRA respects someone that has so much love for the pistol.

Bush
In an upcoming book president Bush suggested that after he’s done as a president he will be running what he called "a fantastic Freedom Institute" promoting democracy around the world. Bush said he’s looking forward to being named the president of the institute of Freedom without the hassle of any election.

In an upcoming book president Bush said he cries all the time on God’s shoulder. No wonder Bush’s ratings are so low, apparently God is mad at him because the president keeps wiping his nose with God’s beard.