Friday leftovers... have a nice weekend... Pedro

Osama
Osama Bin Laden has released another tape, the fourth since September. Experts have agreed he’s as much a scab as Ellen and Carson Daily.

Osama Bin Laden has released another tape, the fourth since September. Virginia-based IntelCenter has concluded that the one in the tape is Osama and by releasing this fourth one, he’s jumped the shark.

Osama Bin Laden has released another tape, the fourth since September. In the tape you can hear Osama asking European countries to cease military alliances with the U.S. and you can also hear Osama’s reaction to the video "Two Girls and a Cup."

Big Thief
A Florida man was robbed off $100 by a 300 lbs prostitute who then rode off on his bicycle. The police later caught the woman and recovered the money, but they could never recover the seat of the bicycle.

Small
Michael Carney of Stockton-on-Tees, in central England, pleaded not guilty in a trial for exposing himself to six different women claiming his manhood is embarrassingly small to show it to a woman. The strategy didn’t work; that’s exactly the reason those women complained to the police on the first place!

Debate
The retired general who asked about gays and lesbians serving in the military at the CNN/YouTube Republican debate on Wednesday is a co-chairman of Hillary Rodham Clinton's National Military Veterans group. Republicans are mad; they are afraid that if you plant a gay in a Republican meeting, then you cannot stop them from multiplying.

Most of the young viewers of the CNN/YouTube Republican debate were disappointed with Rudi Giuliani. Not so much for his performance, but rather because he didn’t mention 9/11 that often ruining their 9/11 drinking game.

It was confirmed that the gay general who asked about gays and lesbians serving in the military at the CNN/YouTube Republican debate on Wednesday works for Hillary Clinton. The GOP won’t let this one pass, they now promise to plant their own gays at every restroom in the next Democratic convention.

November 29th 2007

Great day to you all, at least it is to me, I got published by Newsday, so thanks Newsday and Mr Ken, for choosing one of my jokes in such an important Newspaper, sincerely appreciated...
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun295480090nov29,0,6192554.story

Peace
U.S. President George W. Bush opened Tuesday the Middle East peace conference in Annapolis, Maryland, saying that it is a hard effort, but peace is possible. The president had to leave the meeting earlier to meet Dick Cheney to continue strategizing an attack on Iran.

Britney
According to some internet rumors Britney Spears is pregnant again. The rumors started when she was getting out of a car without underwear and photographers think they saw a head popping out.

Suicide Rates
USA Today reported that Washington, D.C., has the lowest suicide rate in America. On the other hand, Washington D.C. is responsible for most of the suicides in the rest of the country.

Nevada is the second most suicidal state in the country, especially those who attended the Democratic presidential debate held in Vegas.

Washington DC
Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted diseases of any city in the United States. A proud congressman was heard saying "No helmets for the soldiers? No helmets for us either!"

Kennedy
The Boston Globe reported that Ted Kennedy is getting more than $8 million to write his autobiography. That would make Kennedy one of the highest paid politicians for writing a book. I hope that doesn’t go to his head.

Giuliani
A news report claims Rudy Giuliani used New York City taxpayers money to pay for the expenses incurred in a Long Island resort as the then-mayor began an extramarital affair with current wife Judith Nathan. No wonder Democrats are better at managing our tax money. They don’t need a fancy resort to have an affair; it just takes them an easy intern and a desk.

Giuliani's chief political adviser said the expenses Giuliani used to travel to Long Island to have an extra marital affair were justified. These were all legitimate expenses incurred in protecting the mayor, and his police detail covered him wherever he went, 24/7. Apparently there was an angry wife ready to kill him.

Victoria’s Secret
It was reported today that Victoria’s Secret clothes are made in sweatshops in Bangladesh. They are called sweatshops because you sweat a lot thinking of the models that are going to be wearing the undergarments.

It was reported today that Victoria’s Secret clothes are made in sweatshops in Bangladesh. Apparently the kids that work for Victoria’s Secret cannot stop making fun of those who work for Nike.

It was reported today that Victoria’s Secret clothes are made in sweatshops in Bangladesh. I guess we finally found out Victoria’s Secret.

Flight Attendant
Patti Smart, a flight attendant, retired yesterday after spending 50 years with Aloha Airlines working in high altitudes. The record for more years high is still in the hands of Willie Nelson, though.

November 28th 2007

Dick Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney experienced an irregular heartbeat Monday and had to be sedated at George Washington University Hospital to be treated. The sedation was not to prevent Cheney from feeling any pain, but rather to protect doctors from Cheney.

Vice President Dick Cheney experienced an irregular heartbeat Monday, a condition detected by doctors that treated him for a lingering cough from a cold. How bad is Cheney’s heart condition that he has a heart attack every time he coughs?

Waterboarding
Stephen King told Nightline that if the Bush administration didn't think waterboarding was torture, they should waterboard Jenna Bush. Jenna said that she has been waterboarded several times in the past, mostly at friend’s parties with beer bongs.

Durable crotch
According to USA Today, the Army is retrofitting 1 million uniforms to bolster pants that have been tearing in the crotch region during the rigors of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apparently, the soldiers were tired of going commando.

According to USA Today, the Army is retrofitting 1 million uniforms to bolster pants that have been tearing in the crotch region during the rigors of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. The pentagon claimed it was not a mistake, just part of the Shock and Awe the enemy strategy.

According to USA Today, the Army is retrofitting 1 million uniforms to bolster pants that have been tearing in the crotch region during the rigors of fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. That happens when you put Karl Rove in charge of the outfit design. Unlike any of the soldiers, Rove has no balls.

According to USA Today, soldiers in Iraq began reporting "crotch durability problems" with their combat uniforms in July 2005, especially when they were visited by football cheerleaders in charge of boosting their morale.

Carson Daily
NBC's "Last Call with Carson Daly" is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers strike and resume production. Carson Daily was not funny with writers, can you imagine how bad he is going to be without them?

November 27th 2007

Cheney
Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a history of heart problems, experienced an irregular heartbeat Monday. These are the 5 reasons why Dick Cheney might have experienced an irregular heartbeat:
1. Cheney had to spend Thanksgiving dinner with his lesbian daughter and her girlfriend;
2. He attended the summit with the Middle East countries to find out it was a Middle East "Peace" summit;
3. He got too exited while water-boarding the turkey to tenderize it;
4. During Christmas season it gets too stressful for him because he gets a second job as the Grinch;
5. What? Dick Cheney has a heart?

Trent Lott
After announcing his retirement, Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott told the media he might become a lobbyist for environmentalists groups. Sorry, but it is hard to believe that someone that uses so much hairspray cares about the environment.

Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott announced Monday he will retire from the Senate by the end of the year. People believe that Lott retired because he wants to make more money in the private sector. With his history, he’ll definitely have a shot as a co-host in the Imus radio show.

Iran
It was reported in the media that fortune tellers are becoming increasingly popular in Iran. How tough could that be to be a fortune teller in Iran? “I see an American bomb in your future."

Beauty Pageant
Organizers at a Puerto Rico beauty pageant are trying to figure out who laced the winner of the pageant’s evening gowns and makeup with pepper spray. They already have a suspect: Ricky Martin, who apparently refused to give up his throne as Puerto Rico’s reigning queen.

Miami Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins lost to the Steelers this Monday extending their winless season to 11 games. Apparently, the Dolphins’ coach Cam Cameron has a special request for the next game; he asked to bring the cheerleader from "Heroes," Hayden Panettiere, to see if she can save the Dolphins from being slaughtered again.

The Miami Dolphins activated running back Ricky Williams on Monday following a 1 1/2-year suspension. He’s happy to come back. With the Dolphin’s records he can probably smoke marihuana and claim it is for medical purposes to cope with the pain.

The Miami Dolphins lost again this Monday on a rainy game and a flooded field. If the Dolphins cannot win on a field that looks like a pond, I guess there’s nothing else God can do to help.

Iraq
In a signed declaration, Iraqi Minister Nouri al-Maliki said that Iraq is ready to build a relationship with the U.S. in a sustainable way that protects mutual interests. Apparently they already gave the contracts to build that relationship to Halliburton.

Cyber Monday
A significantly higher number of U.S. shoppers bought products online during the so-called Cyber Monday. Unless, of course, you have a dial-up connection, and in that case you are still trying to buy in the so-called Cyber Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...

Around 72% of online retailers plan special Cyber Monday promotions: no more than 10 pop-ups a page.

It is reported that millions of Americans waste several hours at work to buy Christmas presents during the so-called Cyber Monday. It is also reported that the same Americans spent hours the next day in the so-called “find-a-new-job-Tuesday.”

November 26th 2007

Fireplace
San Francisco is considering banning fireplaces. I guess the Christmas song won’t sound the same if you go: “Roasting chestnut on a Foreman grill...”

Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan found out his wife was divorcing him after a newspaper reporter asked him about it. VH1 is considering changing Hogan’s show’s name "Hogan Knows Best" to "Hogan Doesn’t Know Squat"

Giuliani
Several newspapers reported this weekend that Giuliani’s campaign rallies are attended mostly by reporters but very few of Giuliani’s supporters. Giuliani’s campaign staff said the report is unfair because you should count all the Fox reporters as Giuliani’s supporters as well.

Miracle
During Thanksgiving dinner a 14-month-old baby crawled over to a window and fell 20 feet onto a roof without breaking a single bone. How bad his aunt’s pumpkin pie must have been for the little kid to decide to jump out of the window?

Hillary
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said in an interview she prays to God to help her lose weight. Bill, on the other hand, prays to God she gains weight and hopefully she gets a lot younger.

McCartney
British tabloids said that Paul McCartney was spotted going out with Rosanna Arquette. The same papers reported three weeks ago that McCartney was going out with multi-millionaire, Nancy Shevell. And we all thought Heather Mills was the one hopping from relationship to relationship.

Global warming
Researchers warned that global warming could lead to famine, wars and population decline. After hearing the news, Dick Cheney called his auto dealer and ordered the biggest SUV they have in stock.

Turkey
Researchers say that turkey is not the reason why people get tired after Thanksgiving dinner. Apparently, what makes people exhausted is the fight to try to button up their pants again.

November 23rd 2007

Hi there, I hope everybody is alive after yesterday's food orgy. I know as a tradition you are supposed to say the things you are thankful for (I love Americans!!!). One of the things I am thankful for this year is to have the chance to write these jokes and have people reading them, not so many, but some. Thanks all for taking your time to read what I think it is funny! I am also thankful to be featured last week in "Newsweek". So thanks Newsweek and Ken for making that possible.
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5461219nov15,0,7905695.story
Enjoy you all the leftovers. Pedro.

Scott McClellan
Former press secretary Scott McClellan said that Bush and Cheney made him spread "false information" about Plame-gate to the press. It is a amazing what writing a book does; nobody ever believed a word McClellan ever said as a press secretary, but after writing a book he turned himself into "Mr Truth."

Miami Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins with a record of 10 defeats and 0 victories are playing the Steelers this Monday. Apparently the Dolphins’ coach Cam Cameron had a special request for this game, he asked to bring the cheerleader from "Heroes" Hayden Panettiere to see if she can save the Dolphins from a slaughter.

Thanksgiving
People in general were surprised that traffic on the road was not that heavy on Wednesday and that there were no major delays at the airports. Unfortunately that also meant there were forced to spend more time with their in-laws.

Surveys indicated a record 38.7 million U.S. residents were likely to travel 50 miles or more for the holiday between Wednesday and Sunday. Surveys also indicated that 38.7 million were likely to have money to afford gas for only 2 miles.

President Bush spent Thanksgiving dinner with his family and his future son-in- law. Fortunately for the future son-in law, Bush couldn’t torture him with the old pull-my-finger jokes, because comedy writers are on strike.

November 21st 2007

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody! Pedro

Huckabee
Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced that professional wrestler Ric Flair, known as The Nature Boy, is backing his bid for the White House. Huckabee said that the support of a wrestler and Chuck Norris are his best weapons to "beat the bitch.”

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee announced that professional wrestler Ric Flair, known as The Nature Boy, and Chuck Norris are backing his bid for the White House. Apparently, presidential candidate Rudi Giuliani is working on getting the support of Jacky Chan and Captain Lou Albano.

Turkeys
John McCain announced Monday that he will spend Thanksgiving in Baghdad with U.S. troops. The good thing for McCain this time is that if he sees any violence acts in Baghdad, he can always blame the typical Thanksgiving family feuds.

Kerry
Senator John Kerry wants to personally accept Texas oilman T. Boone Pickens' offer of one million dollars to anyone who can disprove even a single charge of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. On a personal note, I am willing to offer a million dollars to anyone who gives a crap about Kerry anymore.

CBS News Writers
CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. This is not the only news channel affected by a writers strike; apparently, Fox News has also been affected by the comedy writers strike.

November 20th 2007

CBS News Writers
CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. After deliberations, CBS decided to hire back Dan Rather because he already showed he can write his own news.

CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. President Bush said it is appalling news writers are not making enough money and encouraged the ABC and NBC writers to go on strike as well, at least until the end of his presidency.

CBS news writers voted by a wide margin to authorize a strike against their employer, the Writers Guild of America announced Monday. CBS is convinced they’ll do fine with Katie Couric, as long as the make up and wardrobe department doesn’t go on strike as well.

Tyson
Mike Tyson was ordered to serve a whopping one day in jail as punishment for his arrest on charges of driving under the influence and cocaine possession earlier this year. Al Sharpton immediately cried racism and organized a march to protest because Lindsay Lohan only got 84 minutes for the same charges.

Hillary
On the campaign trail, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that it takes a Clinton to clean up after a Bush. You don’t need a Bush to clean after a Clinton, but you might need a bunch carpet cleaning companies, though.

Security
Presidential candidate John McCain said on the campaign trail that if he's elected president he won't need secret service protection. On the other hand, the secret service has decided to increase the number of people assigned to Vice President Dick Cheney, in this case, to protect people from Dick Cheney.

TV Support
Political analysts believe some of the big news channels are already taking sides when it comes to supporting a candidate for the next presidential elections. Fox News is behind Rudy Giuliani, CNN behind Hillary, and Sci-Fi channel behind Dennis Kucinich.

Capitol Police
A Capitol Police officer has been suspended in connection with the series of restroom fires that broke out in Senate office buildings over the past three months. Apparently, the officer didn’t know any better way to disguise the stench caused by those burritos he ate the previous nights.

Turkeys
In an annual ritual dating back to Abraham Lincoln's time, President Bush will "pardon" two turkeys this Tuesday and send them to Disneyland. This gives an indication that this year Bush is pardoning a Tom and Michael Vick.

President Bush will spare two turkeys from dinner tables Tuesday, and send them first class on a plane to Disney World. It is not a crazy idea to send the birds in first class, because if they’d traveled couch they’d probably end up barbecued by the other hungry passengers.

Vice president Dick Cheney will get together with his family for Thanksgiving Dinner. He said the part he enjoys the most is when he waterboards the Turkeys, because it is not torture, he is just tenderizing them.

MTV
MTV is launching a new channel called MTV Arabia, for people in the Middle East. The channel will broadcast an Arabic version of the popular car makeover show "Pimp My Ride," in which most of the cars will be added i-Pods, Hi-Def TV’s and the coolest compartments to hide bombs.

MTV is launching a new channel called MTV Arabia, for people in the Middle East. The channel is working on a Hip Hop show. Let’s see if 50 cents dares brag about being shot 9 times in front of those Middle Eastern people.

November 19th 2007

Pope
Pope Benedict XVI will visit the White House on his first U.S. papal trip next spring, church officials announced Monday. The pope could spend up to 8 years in the country depending on whether or not he’s confessing Dick Cheney.

Al Gore
Former US vice president Al Gore will visit the Oval Office on November 26 when US President George W. Bush honors US Nobel Prize winners, a Bush spokesman said Friday. The spokesman also disclosed that they had to tell Gore to not knock at the door 10 times and scream for hours like he used to to warn Bill Clinton he was going to enter the oval office.

Iraq
According to an analysis by Oxfam International last summer, the percentage of Iraqis without access to decent water supplies has risen from 50 percent to 70 percent since the start of the U.S.-led war. To make matters worse the only water Iraqis are getting is "Blackwaters."

Britney
After being told that Britney Spears ran a red light with her young sons in the car, a judge ruled Friday that the pop star may no longer drive with the children. After hearing the news, the Orthopedist American association announced they might loose millions of dollars after the judge’s decision.

Lottery
China has set up its first help center for lottery addicts, that offers counseling and legal assistance, the Beijing Morning Post said Friday. Unfortunately, the phone number of the lottery help center was the most played number this week in the Chinese lottery.

China has set up its first help center for lottery addicts, that offers counseling and legal assistance, the Beijing Morning Post said Friday. Apparently gambling addiction has increased dramatically in China, with people mostly betting on which products do not contain lead.

Cameras
Florida is exploring the idea of installing "talking" cameras at several of the public beaches to ward off or catch people engaged in public sex. They are still forced to keep some security officers, because the cameras will only encourage Paris Hilton.

Toys
It was reported in the news that due to the recalls of Chinese-made toys in the United States, there’s a big surge in demand for the hand-crafted, all-American wooden toys. The toys are not hazardous and useful. Right after Christmas and when the kids are playing videogames in the computers, their parents can use the wooden toys to fuel the living-room fire.

McCain
Presidential candidate John McCain said on the campaign trail that if he’s elected president he won’t need secret service protection. On the other hand, Hillary said she will double her security: secret service to protect her, and secret service to prevent Bill from having an affair.

November 16th 2007

Rutgers
After the controversy generated by radio host Don Imus’ comments on the Rutgers women's basketball team, the Scarlet Knights had the best recruiting season ever. After hearing that, small schools all over the country encouraged their women basketball players to get tattoos, coil their hair, and they are gonna send a video to Imus to gather his on air opinion.

O.J.
O.J. Simpson will stand trial for breaking in a hotel room in Vegas to recover part of his memorabilia. He’s worried this time, because one of the memorabilia items he could not recover is the only glove that doesn’t fit.

Democratic Debate
The Democratic presidential debate was held in Vegas Friday night. Never before was the Vegas slogan “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" more appropriate than for this debate, because nobody saw it outside that room.

The Democratic presidential debate was held in Vegas Friday night. According to the performance if you went all black at the table, you lost.

During the Democratic presidential debate on Friday, Hillary Clinton accused the other candidate of throwing mud at her. Once again Bill Clinton reacted and said “let’s throw mud at Kucinich’s wife as well and have a mud-wrestling fight with Hillary!”

Vote
A recent survey by an NYU journalism class found that 20 percent of their students would exchange their right to vote for an iPod. They are known in campus as iDiots.

Pizza
Papa John's started this week to take pizza orders via text message. Of course, if customers are able to text message with their fatty fingers.

Illegal
A 13-year-old illegal immigrant who fled to his native Mexico amid a sex scandal with his schoolteacher might be eligible to return to the United States with a special Visa: A visa only given to studs.

November 15th 2007

Google
Google co-founder Larry Page is planning to marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, next month. Apparently, now if you google jackpot you get Lucy Southwort’s homepage.

Google co-founder Larry Page is planning to marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, next month in a ceremony which details have been kept secret. Unless of course you google “Google co-founder” and “ceremony" and you'll get all the details.

Oil
After the oil spill in Northern California, some volunteers that wanted to clean the oil-covered-birds were turned away because they didn’t have the proper training. Some others were turned away because they asked how many birds they needed to grind to fill the tank....

Satellite
The warden of the Clayton County Correctional Institution wants permission to spend money to get Satellite so inmates can watch “Monday Night Football.” Apparently, inmates want to see how their teams are doing when they are not playing with them.

The warden of the Clayton County Correctional Institution wants permission to spend money to get Satellite so inmates can watch “Monday Night Football.” It is understandable, it must be painful to be in jail and to have to put up with reruns because of the writers strike.

Fish
A researcher has found a tropical fish that lives in swamps and can survive out of water for months at a time. Its scientific name: New Orleantis.

Hunger
The U.S. government said 35 millions of Americans went hungry in 2006. They went hungry from the time they had breakfast up until they had a huge lunch at noon.

November 15th 2007

McCain
A woman asked Presidential candidate John McCain at a public forum in Hilton Head Island: "How do we beat the bitch," referring to Hillary Clinton. Apparently, that was another question planted by the Clinton’s campaign, not Hillary, but Bill.

A woman asked Presidential candidate John McCain at a public forum in Hilton Head Island: "How do we beat the bitch." McCain answered by saying that more than a bitch, Giuliani looks like a prostitute when he is in drag.

Dog
A man in India has married a female dog. He’ll never be happy. The guy is destined to live in the dog’s house for the rest of his life.

A man in India has married a female dog. He was then given the title of an honorary Beatle for marrying a bitch.

An Indian man married a dog in order to remove a curse he incurred 15 years ago, when he stoned two other dogs. It sounds like a good idea, but it’ll be difficult for Michael Vick to find a dog that dares marry him.

A man in India has married a female dog. Now that they are married, does he still have to pick up her doo-doo?

Fire
A 10-year-old boy who admitted to starting a 38,000-acre fire that destroyed 21 homes in northern Los Angeles County last month will not be charged, prosecutors said Tuesday. That event will stick with him for the rest of his life, as well as his new nickname "Nero."

Tancredo
Republican presidential candidate Tom Tancredo on Monday unveiled a television ad depicting a hooded terrorist detonating a bomb inside a shopping mall. The candidate got the repudiation from most of the people, but won him a phone call from the producers of “24” who are in desperate need of writers.

Mortgage
Vacant houses victims of mortgage fraud and foreclosure are being occupied by vandals who turn them into crime nests. Nobody knows how to stop the criminals, not the ones occupying the vacant houses, but those who sell them.

Limbs
An Indian girl who had four extra limbs removed by surgery last week is recovering and could be able to walk in six weeks. Unfortunately, now that she lost the extra 4 limbs, Nike has withdrawn the fabulous 10-cents-an-hour offer to work in one of its sweatshops in India.

Fresh
Target is trying to add warning labels to meat sold in their stores, letting people know it has been "treated" to look fresh. If this idea catches on, we could use the same label on people that have been treated to look fresh, too!

November 13th 2007

Hillary
Hillary Clinton admitted planting a question with an audience member in Iowa last week. People became suspicious of the planted question when someone in the audience asked: “Where the hell did you spend the night Bill?”

Hillary Clinton was accused of not leaving a tip when she visited a restaurant in Iowa last month. Her campaign staff denied those rumors and said Hillary always leaves waitresses a tip: “Don’t you ever marry a chubby chaser.”

Fred Thompson
GOP officials said Monday that Fred Thompson has won the presidential endorsement of the National Right to Life Committee. Isn’t it ironic that the deadest candidate in the campaign trail gets the support from the most pro-life group?

GOP officials said Monday that Fred Thompson has won the presidential endorsement of the National Right to Life Committee. Thompson wanted to thank the endorsement in a speech, but couldn’t find anybody to write it because Hollywood writers are on strike.

Britney
Britney Spears was caught on video going through a red light with her kids in the car. In her defense, she said she was helping one of her kids light a cigarette.

Britney Spears was caught on video going through a red light with her kids in the car. Nobody bought Britney’s excuse that she was in a hurry because Victoria’s Secret was about to close.

Dart
A woman was recently struck in the head with a dart at an Omaha Wal-Mart. Her husband had always told her he had fell in love with her beautiful bull’s eyes.

Lohan
It was reported that Lindsay Lohan hired a Romanian man to help her become a human magnet. The only thing she has attracted so far is problems.

Person of the year
Rumors are J. K. Rowling could be Time Magazine’s person of year. Dumbledore, on the other hand, could be Out Magazine’s person of the year.

Thanksgiving
Airline passenger traffic around the Thanksgiving holiday is forecast to rise 4 percent from a year ago. The 4 percent increase represents the amount of people forced to go to their parents’ to stay with them after they lost their houses in the mortgage crisis.

Job advice
A job listing website recently published a list of things you shouldn't do at work if you want to get far in life. The number one thing you SHOULD do at work is your boss.

November 12th 2007

Writers
NBC informed the nonwriting staff of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno that it will be laid off at the end of next week. Apparently, the first one to go will be the canned laughter.

The Writers Guild of America East was really mad at Ellen DeGeneres for crossing the picket line and returning to work. Ellen should double check there are no banana peels or marbles scattered on the floor next time she does her dance at the beginning of her show.

The Writers Guild of America East was really mad at Ellen DeGeneres for crossing the picket line and returning to work. These are some ways writers might retaliate in the future:

When Ellen does her famous phone call to God routine the line will be busy;
All the jokes in her future monologues will be about Ziggy and breaking contracts;

Writers will spit on her jokes (Thanks Bob);

Ellen’s wardrobe will be sabotaged and all the pantsuits will disappear, thus forcing her to wear skirts;

The writers will save the best lesbian jokes for Rosie.

The WGA is planning a Bring-A-Star-To-Picket-With-You event this Tuesday that's supposed to be centered at Universal Studios at noon. That’s great if you show up with Leno, Conan or Letterman, but how bad you’d look if you show up hand in hand with Carson Daily?

Army
The Army is spending $2.6 billion on a fleet of new Disaster-Relief Helicopters that are not safe to fly on hot days. Those are the ones they bought to use in California, for New Orleans they are working on a fleet of boats that cannot be used on wet days.

Cigarettes
A study says that smoking deaths may double by the year 2030. Not so much because of lung cancer, but rather from the exposure to cold weather for being forced to smoke outside the bars.

N Word
The Los Angeles City Council voted to ban the use of the "N-word." In other news, the Dog Bounty Hunter tour has just cancelled one city.

According to the Los Angeles City Council, the N-word "connotes a lazy person with no self-respect or regard for family, a person who is ignorant, stupid, slow moving, does not speak proper English and has childlike qualities.” No wonder they want to ban the N word, it describes a congressman perfectly.

US
75 percent of Americans said in a recent poll that the country is heading in the wrong direction. The other 25 percent is heading to Canada.

Chips
Arizona health regulators issued a warning Thursday about a popular brand of poker chips made in Vegas that may contain high levels of lead. I would have thought the chips had the other chemical found in toys, the GHB, because every time I go to a casino to play poker, I leave feeling raped.

Broadway
More than two dozen shows on Broadway went dark Saturday as stagehands, who have been engaged in a bitter contract dispute with producers, went on strike. Apparently, the only way for theater lovers to hear some tap-dancing now is at airport bathrooms.

November 9th 2007

Hillary
According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is having a hard time attracting male voters. After an arduous and intensive study, Hillary’s campaign strategists told her: "It’s time to show that rack again!"

According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is having a hard time attracting male voters. After an arduous and intensive study, Hillary’s campaign strategists told her to start a fling with Kucinich’s wife.

Aquadots
Millions of toys called "Aquadots" were recalled because they have the same effect as the date rape drug when ingested. Safety Officials were shocked and claimed that the toys were tested extensively. Officials said they couldn’t remember anything bad happening to them, they just felt they could not sit for a while after that meeting.

Millions of toys called "Aquadots" were recalled because they have the same effect as the date rape drug when ingested. We finally understand what the R stand’s for in Toys R Us.

Millions of toys called "Aquadots" were recalled because they have the same effect as the date rape drug when ingested. Safety officials became suspicious of the toys when a huge order of them was delivered to Neverland Ranch.

Senator Vitter
A prostitute that allegedly had sex with Sen. David Vitter gave Hustler an interview where she shares details of the senator as her client. Fortunately for the Senator, politicians in Washington DC only buy Hustler for the pictures.

Congress
Congress debated a bill on Wednesday to ban discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace. Once again Congress selfishly protecting their own asses!

Suitcase
A man hiding in a suitcase and a driver have been detained by Customs and Border Protection officers after a failed smuggling attempt. Apparently the driver claimed he was a ventriloquist and was just carrying a Mexican dummy.

A man named Jesus was found hidden in a suitcase and deported back to Mexico by Customs and Border Protection officers. Jesus said he is not going to give up and next time he is going to hide himself on a toast.

Golden Glove
Padres’ pitcher Greg Maddux won his record 17th Gold Glove at the age of 41. He said he was very happy and that to celebrate he was going to use the golden glove for his first scheduled prostate exam.

November 8th 2007

Homeless
According to a report released Thursday, veterans make up one in four homeless people in the United States. The other three are not veteran homeless, just new ones after they lost their house with the mortgage crisis.

Dollar
The fall of the dollar gives the US a great chance to export American products; the only problem is that the only things we are manufacturing lately are political and Hollywood scandals.

Star Jones
Star Jones spoke for the first time in her show about her gastric bypass surgery. Actually, it wasn’t Jones but her stomach that growled to break the news and beg for a cheeseburger.

Washing Dogs
A company in France developed a washing machine-like contraption to wash and dry your dogs. They are being sued by the Pink Panther for copyright infringement.

Bounty Hunter
During a recent interview, The Dog Bounty Hunter said that he would kill himself if that meant forgiveness from black people. In other news, The Apollo Theater is inviting black people to sign a petition to forgive The Dog Bounty Hunter.

During a recent interview, The Dog Bounty Hunter said that he is part black. He claims that the best proof is that he is married to a fat white woman.

Bible
China won’t allow athletes to bring bibles with them to the Olympics. It seems athletes will have to find another place to hide their steroids.

Bush
U.S. President George W. Bush said on Wednesday he called Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf and urged him to hold elections. Apparently, President Bush offered Musharraf our hanging chads and Supreme Court in case he runs into any kind of trouble.

U.S. President George W. Bush said on Wednesday he personally made a phone call to Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf. Apparently, Bush was unable to reach him but left a voice mail: "You thoughtless little pig...”

Pat Robertson
Televangelist Pat Robertson is endorsing Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. To show some support for Giuliani, the founder of the Christian Coalition is going to change the name of his show to Club 911 and also he now claims to be able to leg press 911 pounds.

November 7th 2007

Mukasey
A U.S. Senate panel cleared Michael B. Mukasey's nomination to be President George W. Bush's third attorney general. As an act of celebration, prisoners in Guantanamo will be champagne-boarded for the rest of the week.

Limbs
Doctors began operating yesterday on a girl born with four arms and four legs. There goes our chance to have the best drummer in the world.

Bush
President Bush was gladly surprised to hear the loud cheers of a crowd during yesterday’s appearance at the White House to discuss import safety. Unfortunately, the smile in Bush’s face turned to frown when the CBS fake crowd noise cd started skipping.

Water-Boarding
The debate on weather water-boarding is considered torture continues. Some advocates of water-boarding are trying to find a way to lessen the impact of the word water-boarding so from now onwards they are going to start calling it: Intensive Baptism.

Star Trek
The producers of the upcoming "Star Trek" prequel are holding an open casting call this weekend for extras with interesting and unique facial features. In other news, Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich cancelled all the fundraising appearances this weekend.

Toys
Mattel Inc, the world's largest toymaker, has recalled 155,000 of its products made in Mexico because they could cause children to choke. Actually, so far, there was only one report of choking over the toys and that was Lou Dobbs when he found out the US was buying toys made in Mexico.

November 6th 2007

Once again, I wanna give a shoutout to all the Hollywood writers, I hope they get what they are fighting for, to show solidarity all the jokes I wrote today suck as well! Pedro

Writers Strike
The Republican Party released a statement yesterday about the Hollywood writers’ strike. The GOP said that if any of the party members decides to go foot-tapping, to hire a male masseuse or wear diapers, this is the right time to do it because nobody on TV will write jokes about it.

Jay Leno showed up at a picket line to show solidarity with the striking writers at NBC. It was awkward when he started reading the signs writers were carrying out loud and Kevin Eubanks was laughing forcedly as if they were jokes in the monologue.

Hollywood writers are marching outside the studios to fight for a better monetary deal with the TV and Movie industry. At the end of the strike, the writers will see a pay off with all this walk, not so much as a salary change, but at least they unglued those asses from the chairs and exercised a little.

Pakistan
Some people were expecting a recorded message from Bin Laden about the situation in Pakistan, which for some is the place where he’s hiding. Bin Laden’s closest officials said Osama won’t be releasing any new video because of the Hollywood writers strike.

Lou Dobbs
An illegal alien kid, whose teacher took him to Mexico after they started having an affair, won’t be let back in the country. When Lou Dobbs heard the news, he put on a wig, some lipstick and a skirt and decided to start his crusade one illegal alien kid at a time.

American Idol
In the next season of American Idol contestants will be able to show off their instrumental skills. Didn’t somebody already show off some organ skills with Paula Abdul in that show?

Drew Carey
The Price is Right host Drew Carey made an Internet video last week calling for the legalization of medical marijuana. Apparently after working in the Price is Right for a while, Carey needed to resort to medical marihuana to deal with injuries caused to him by jumpy, rotund contestants.

Currency
Model Giselle Bundchen says she will no longer accept payment in U.S. dollars, because she believes American currency will continue to depreciate. She is an expert in depreciation; her ass won’t be worth the same ten years from now, either.

Diplomats
Diplomats at the American embassy in Baghdad on Monday pleaded to their state department colleagues back home to come to work in Iraq. They said that there are people who think they live under a constant barrage of mortar attacks, but it isn't that way all the time. There are peaceful moments at the embassy, especially when the insurgence has to reload their guns.

November 5th 2007

I wanna give a shoutout to all the Hollywood writers, I hope they get what they are fighting for. By the way to show support, all the jokes I wrote today suck!. Pedro

Writers Strike
Hollywood writers are still in talks with TV networks and movie studios to negotiate a better deal in the share of profits. Writers are doomed with the talk, because if they knew how to talk they would have become actors or stand-up comedians.

Daylight Saving
Daylight Saving Time ended and clocks went back on Sunday giving the Dog Bounty Hunter an extra hour to use the N word 60 more times.

Fire
People in San Diego are said to be ready for another fire in case dry Santa Ana winds return this week. Rich people already shopped for their best designer clothes in case they have to socialize again at Qualcomm Stadium.

Imus
Don Imus announced Thursday he will return to the air Dec. 3 on WABC-AM in New York. He said he can’t wait to give the “noose” report again.

Nap attack
A new British study reports that a nap a day can prevent heart attacks, unless you are napping while piloting a plane, which might cause heart attacks to all the passengers.

A new British study reports that a nap a day can prevent heart attacks. No wonder every time Dick Cheney closes his eyes for a minute everybody in the room starts yelling.

Flip a coin
A judge who ordered a custody dispute by flipping a coin was removed from the bench by the Virginia Supreme Court on Friday. Apparently his accuracy rate of fairness bothered the supreme court.

A judge who ordered a custody dispute by flipping a coin was removed from the bench by the Virginia Supreme Court on Friday. The Virginia Supreme Court took the decision after they assigned tail for let him stay and head for removing the judge.

Broadband
The U.S. finished in 15th place in a survey about which countries have the best access to broadband. Unfortunately, tons of people in America still cannot see the survey because they are downloading it with their slow dial-up connection.

Iran
Experts in and out of government say there's no conclusive evidence that Tehran has an active nuclear-weapons program; a fact that makes war inevitable.

King Tut
The face of King Tut was shown in public for the first time on Sunday, 85 years after it was discovered. Some people believe that they have seen the mummy every weekday night in CNN.

Drilling
A dentist is sued for accidentally drilling a patient’s eye because he started dancing when the radio played the song "Car Wash." Ironically, a Car Wash is one of the things the dentist will need to do to raise some of the money to pay for the settlement.

November 2nd 2007

Friday Leftovers... Hey if you wanna say Hi or any comment, e-mail me at deportespedro@hotmail.com
Have a nice weekend...
Britney
Britney Spears was seen at a club giving a provocative and seductive lap dance to Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. Apparently, Britney quit suddenly and left upset when she found out he wasn’t the restaurant guy.

Pigeon
A councilman in New York wants to reduce the pigeon population at the Staten Island ferry terminals by putting them on birth control. Which is a cheaper and easier idea than the one other councilmen had: To give each male pigeon a vasectomy.

Heather
During an interview Heather Mills said she has some tapes of Paul McCartney recorded during "therapy" session that can ruin his reputation. A tape that can ruin Paul's reputation? I'm afraid it's already out and you can get it at Starbucks.

Heather Mills threatened to release hours of recordings of Sir Paul sharing his darkest inner thoughts with her as the couple tried to talk through their marital difficulties. She said she’s in talks with Starbucks.

In a "Good Morning America" interview with Diane Sawyer yesterday morning, Heather said that when she and Paul broke up, she offered to walk away without a dime. Apparently, she wanted the $200 million in $100 dollar bills.

Paris Hilton
TMZ reported that Paris Hilton walked into a Toronto porno shop dressed as a skeleton, and demanded that they take down posters advertising her sex tape, "One Night in Paris." Paris Hilton denied she was wearing a skeleton costume. She says she was dressed as a Nicole Ritchie.

Santana
Carlos Santana and his wife Deborah are getting divorced after 34 years of marriage, but if you asked Santana, he only remembers 20.

Dog Chapman
Television bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman's son taped a private phone conversation in which the reality star used a racial slur repeatedly against his son’s black girlfriend, then sold it to a tabloid for "a lot of money," Chapman's lawyer said Thursday. I bet you it’s going to be an interesting Thanksgiving reunion at the Chapman's house.

November 1st 2007

I'm in Newsday!!!!!
I want to thank Newsday and Ken for choosing one of my jokes to publish in a such a huge paper. Thanks a lot, I feel so honored to have my name among tremendous comedians posted there. Really awesome. Thanks........
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5440538nov01,0,7709083.story


Biggest Threat
According to a Gallup poll released Wednesday, people in the United States see Iran as by far the biggest greatest threat, with China a distant second, and Britney driving her car in third place.

National Blackout
The National Blackout was called by black radio talk show hosts to take place Friday across the nation. They're asking black people not to spend any money for one day to protest conditions in America. In other news KFC announced that Friday they’ll be selling "Burritos."

Hillary
During the last Democratic Presidential Debate, Bill Richardson was the only candidate that was quite flattering towards Hillary Clinton, which some suspect is a calculated move to be her vice president. Hillary said that last a time a Bill complimented her that much was during her Honeymoon.

Offenders
Hundreds of California sex offenders who face tough new restrictions on where they can live are declaring themselves homeless. They will always have a place to stay: "myspace."

Hundreds of California sex offenders are declaring themselves homeless because of a law that bars them from living within 2,000 feet of a school. With all the statistics about school dropouts reported last week, shouldn’t a school be the best place to keep sex offenders?

Halloween
Conservative groups are complaining about the new costumes designed for little girls this Halloween alleging they are too provocative. When girls were asked about it, they said they needed to bring up the game, because they now have to compete with their teachers.

Heater Mills
Heather Mills says that she's $3 million in debt. She can always make some money selling all the right shoes that she doesn’t need.

Iraq
Violent deaths of Iraqi civilians appear to have fallen sharply in Iraq in October, according to the latest Associated Press tally. Apparently, the number of Iraqi civilians fell considerably since Blackwater has been under surveillance.

E-mails
The Federal Trade Commission warned this week that scammers are behind messages from the phony address of "frauddep(at)ftc.gov. The FTC said that you need to know that most government officials only use hotboy.xxx to contact citizens.