June 30th 2008

Obama
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama left their differences aside and kissed and hugged on Friday at a meeting in Unity New Hampshire. It wasn’t hard for Hillary, she’s been used to faking kisses and hugs with Bill for years.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have returned the favor to Obama , and donated the maximum to the Illinois senator's campaign, a Clinton spokesperson says. Unfortunately for Obama, Hillary’s check bounced and Bill’s donation was all in 1 dollar bills.

Parade
The 38th annual Gay Pride Parade was held in San Francisco yesterday. It wasn’t as good as the ones in the past; gays don’t look as fit as they used to since they got married.

Question: In a gay married couple, who complaints about the toilet lid?

Iraq
The Iraqi National soccer team loss to Qatar and ended the country's hopes of qualifying for the 2010 World Cup, a clear sign that Iraqis are adopting American values; they now suck at soccer.

Bill Gates
Bill Gates officially retired from Microsoft on Friday. He wanted to spend some time doing drugs, booze and hanging out with prostitutes. Well, that’s the info I got when I used yahoo for more info on his retirement.

Bikes
Washington, D.C. has become the first U.S. city to rent bikes to the public. It is going to be weird to see so many people riding backwards... we all know politicians in DC backpedal all the time.

Alcohol
A person in Florida died at a bar after having 23 shots of vodka. It could have been a bigger tragedy, with all the alcohol he had in his body, he almost killed the paramedic that gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and almost set a building on fire when his body was cremated.

Latinos
Presidential rivals John McCain and Barack Obama both spoke in front of a Hispanic audience this weekend at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials conference in Washington. Nader also spoke with Latinos. In his case, while waiting to be picked up at Home Depot to do some yard work.

Name
A New Mexico appeals court on Friday ruled against a Los Alamos man who wanted to change his name to a phrase containing a popular four-letter obscenity. The judge said there’s no way they are going to let this person change his name to "Bush."

Model
On Saturday, a 20-year-old Russian model committed suicide by jumping out of her ninth-floor apartment in New York City. It was a windy day so it took her almost 5 hours to reach the floor.

Drugs
The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating the performance-enhancing qualities of Viagra. They believe those who take Viagra have a 7-inch advantage over the other competitors when crossing the finish line.

June 27th 2008

Friday leftovers jokes. Have a nice weekend.
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Obama
A Democratic official said Obama is personally donating $2,300 to help cover his former rival's outstanding expenses. It seems Hillary is the first beneficiary of that change Obama is promising everybody.

Barack Obama received a standing ovation from a crowd of more than 200 in Washington when he said he would enlist his supporters to help pay off Clinton's debt. The ovation came mostly from Hillary loaners and Bill’s mistresses.

Economy
According to a Los Angeles Times/Bloomberg poll released Wednesday Nine percent of Americans said the country's economic condition had improved since Bush became president, they all belong to the family of the guy that married Jenna Bush.

NBC
NBC has cancelled the show "To catch a predator" . According to experts it will have a big impact in the cookie industry.

Guns
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that a sweeping ban on handguns in the District of Columbia is unconstitutional , and to celebrate Cheney shot 21 lawyers this morning.

John McCain welcomed the Supreme Court's ruling overthrowing a ban on handguns in the District of Columbia. As Barack Obama, he ordered his future presidential limo to be replaced with a Stryker Armored Personnel Carrier.

Strike
Actors are probably going to go on strike Monday. After movies like Get Smart, and The Guru it is going to be hard to get the public’s support.

Wi-Fi
Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles which will come handy when you're looking for a mechanic to fix your car

Chrysler will offer Wi-Fi Internet service in all of its vehicles. People are gonna be more polite, they are not gonna give each other the finger on the roads, they would rather send each other angry e-mails.

Teens
A 60-year-old teacher in Florida accused of having a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old student encouraged the boy to lie about it, police said Thursday. She didn’t need to encourage, the student would never tell anybody he had sex with a 60-year old.

A recent survey found that among young teens more girls report drinking alcohol than boys. Usually to celebrate a pregnancy pact.

June 26th 2008

Economy
Some conservative economists say they are hopeful about a rebound in the economy and say there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, for most people the light at the end of the tunnel is off because they didn’t have the money to pay their electricity bill.

Airline
A new airline passengers' bill of rights has been introduced in the U.S. House. Sorry, but it won’t fly.

Surviving Pig
A pig that survived for 36 days buried beneath rubble in quake-hit southwest China has been hailed as a symbol of the will to stay alive, state press reported Monday. Apparently, there were several attempts to save the pig before, but it refused to leave the rubble until it had an all Jew rescue team that would not try to eat it.

FISA
The House passed the FISA bill, a bill that gives immunity for telecommunications companies, by a 293-129 vote. Republicans were smart to choose FISA as name because most congressmen thought they were voting for the company that makes Viagra.

Unity
Former rivals Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton plan to campaign together Friday in the small New Hampshire town of Unity, a name chosen to represent their mutual feeling. Meanwhile, McCain and President Bush chose another town for future campaign meetings: Embarrass, WI.

Sweat
Old Spice released its annual list of the Sweatiest Cities in America and Phoenix, Arizona is on top. Apparently, people in Phoenix sweat their armpits off when they see their senator, McCain, campaigning to become president.

Campaign
A reporter who tagged along with Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama on a swing through southern Indiana complained that the Obama campaign billed him $115 when he only had a cup of soup and a turkey sandwich. Maybe if Hillary had done the same, instead of giving free drinks to reporters, she wouldn’t own any money now.

Plastic surgery
According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, nearly one in five Americans will be getting cosmetic surgery by 2015, mostly ex-employees of the Bush administration that will need to change their faces to get a new job.

Ted haggard
Ted Haggard, the evangelist forced out of his job after being caught up in a sex scandal involving a male prostitute, has left a "spiritual restoration program" and said he is ready in touch with Jesus, and by Jesus he means his gardener.

Brothel Bus
Miami Beach police arrested 6 people and impounded a limousine bus that cruised Miami Beach offering sex aboard. How bad is it the foreclosure affecting the country that now bordellos run on wheels?

Nader
Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader accused Sen. Barack Obama, of appealing to "white guilt" during his run for the White House. Apparently during his speeches Obama always goes out of his way to make White people responsible for According to Jim.

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader accused Sen. Barack Obama of trying to "talk white." Obama’s diplomatic response didn’t wait. “Hey, Nader, tell me how my a... tastes... Nader, tell me how my a... tastes...”

June 25th 2008

Imus
Another DJ made a controversial racial remark; it was Don Imus... Well, there you go, now we know.

Bible
Conservative Christian leader James Dobson says that Barack Obama distorts the Bible in his speeches. Apparently, Obama only distorts the half part before he was born.

Restaurant
A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. They serve the Osama Bin Laden sandwich but it is impossible to find it in the menu.

A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. The most requested dish by Cheney is the Weapons of Mass Destruction breakfast burrito, but the restaurant made it clear thousands of times they don’t serve it there.

A terrorist-themed restaurant opened in Lebanon called buns and guns. They get free plugs from Fox News all the time.

Gas
Business at Nevada’s Brothels is down 45% because of gas high prices. Not so much because truckers find it hard to find money to drive to the bordellos, but rather because the price of gas is so high, the trucker’s wives are the ones working in the brothels.

Gas is getting more expensive than beer, shouldn’t gas stations, like bars, have happy hour then?

Armstrong
E-online reported that Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson were seen playing Tennis on a West L.A. tennis court. The ball moved from side to side..... of his pants...

Painting
A Monet water-lily painting sold for $80.5 million Tuesday breaking a record in price, not so much of a surprise considering it was an “oil” painting.

Rich
The number of people around the world with at least $1 million in assets passed 10 million for the first time last year, according to a report. And by $1 million in assets they mean your gas tank full.

Google
According to Google trends, more Americans Google the term "Orgy" than "Watermelon", unless you’re Don Imus and you’re researching for joke material.

McCain
Mark Soohoo, McCain’s deputy e-campaign director, said John McCain is aware of the Internet. Step by step… McCain just became aware of electricity last year.

Painkillers
The wife of U.S. talk show host Larry King has reportedly been admitted to rehab, suffering from an alleged addiction to painkillers. It is understandable; we don’t have to see Larry when the suspenders don’t hold anything.

Hillary
Hillary Rodham Clinton returned to the United States Senate Tuesday, a place she has barely seen for the last 16 months. She just went there to pick up her things to leave for her summer vacation.

June 24th 2008

McCain
John McCain wants to give a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop a car battery that helps break our dependence on foreign oil. Cheney offered $600 million to whoever kills the guy that develops a car battery that helps break our dependence on foreign oil.

John McCain hit the campaign trail Monday with two band-aids on the top of his head as a result of hitting his head on the roof of a car while trying to get out of it. If he can’t get out of the car without an injury, what can we expect with Iraq?

John McCain hit the campaign trail Monday with two band-aids on the top of his head as a result of hitting his head on the roof of a car while trying to get out of it. Apparently, he is not used to roofs in cars because he always rides Mobility Scooters.

Tribe
The unconctacted tribe in Brazil that made the media rounds on a picture a couple of weeks ago had been discovered already in 1910. Experts suspected this was not a lost tribe when they enlarged the picture and saw a Starbucks in the background.

Hiker
An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal, police in southern Germany said Monday. Not only did she save her life, but she will now also be featured in the next Girl Gone Wild Climbing.

Democrats
The National Democratic Club sent a letter to all the members saying that they are raising the prices of the drinks due to an increase in the cost of alcoholic beverages. Apparently, since Ted Kennedy stopped drinking it’s hard for them to make much profit anymore.

The National Democratic Club sent a letter to all the members saying that they are raising the prices of the drinks due to an increase in the cost of alcoholic beverages. Apparently, that is part of Rush Limbaugh’s "operation chaos".

Obama
Barack Obama’s campaign said Monday that Obama will not use again a presidential seal with a phrase that read "Vero possumus," which can be roughly translated into "Yes, we can." Apparently, they designed a new one that reads: “Fo' shizzle my nizzle.”

Karl Rove said Monday that Obama is the kind of guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette. Rove immediately got criticized by members of the country club for assuming that they accept black people’s memberships.

Cell-phone
A person in Ohio hid a cell phone up his butt after he was caught taking pictures of a naked woman. His inmates are going to have so much fun dialing the cell phone in the shower…

Drunk
Police in Australia have charged a man for drunk driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday. Why do you think he was on the wheelchair in the first place?

June 23rd 2008

House
A New Mexico couple has ended their effort to award their home to the winner of an essay contest, because they only received 675 entries and all of them from Ed McMahon.

Bush
President Bush toured the Iowa cities swamped by record flooding while thousands of volunteers were piling sandbags in an effort to stop more water from spilling into farmland in Missouri. There was an awkward moment when President Bush walked by a sandbag and buried his head under it.

The owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. President Bush sent his congratulations and offered to send the new country our Constitution because we’re not using it anymore

Iraq
A female suicide bomber concealing explosives beneath her black robe struck outside a government complex northeast of Baghdad on Sunday. The Bush administration immediately looked for the positive side saying that things in Iraq are working because there’s now more gender equality.

Picture
Two Muslim women with headscarves who attended Barack Obama's event in Detroit were told they couldn't stand behind the candidate and were removed from the photo set. McCain was stunned and released a statement saying that they would shoot the Muslim women....I mean, photograph them...

Pact
An investigation has been launched into an apparent teenage "pregnancy pact" made by 17 high-school girls expecting babies. So far the evidence of the pact is a piece of paper with 17 X’s.

Lottery
Washington's Lottery is removing a scratch game featuring pictures of popular candies after a complaint that it could appeal to children. Apparently, officials are in the search of a chubby kid that has eaten the biggest prize.

Washington's Lottery is removing a scratch game featuring pictures of popular candies after a complaint that it could appeal to children. So to scare kids off the scratch games will feature pictures of vegetables.

Gas
On Thursday, for several hours, a Speedway station in the Cincinnati suburb of West Chester mistakenly advertised regular for $9.09 a gallon on a sign high above an interstate highway. The owners are now being prosecuted for attempting to kill Dick Cheney with overexcitement.

McCain
Senator John McCain visited Canada Friday; he wasn’t working on deals in case he becomes president; he, just like thousands of old people, went to Canada to get cheap medicine.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton will start campaigning with Barack Obama next week. Political analysts call it campaigning, she calls it bar hopping.

Fire
High temperatures have forced Firefighters to work hard to extinguish fires in California. Unfortunately, the appearance of firefighters excited other flames in California that were visiting town for the gay weddings.

Beer
A man in Australia used 5,800 beer bottles to build his house. He’s planning on building the tallest tower in the world so he has already called Hillary, Hasselhoff and Lohan to get the construction material.

Summer
Summer has arrived; women are wearing skirts, guys shorts, presidential candidates with flip flops…

According to a survey by "Men's Health" magazine, half of all women say their sexual desire peaks in summer. No wonder teens don’t want to get summer jobs; they are too busy with my wife.

June 20th 2008

Yes, it is time for the Friday's leftovers!
If you want to send comments, suggestions, ideas or just to say Hi, please e-mail me at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
you all have a great weekend......

Spears
A group of 17 schoolgirls in the Massachusetts fishing town of Gloucester are pregnant after they made a pact to do it and raise their babies together, a report said Thursday. Apparently, the schoolgirls made the pact while attending "Zoey 101" classes.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital. Her mom and grandma were really proud of the little baby girl, because she lip-synched the first cry.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby girl Thursday morning at a south Mississippi hospital. Britney was in the room when her sister was giving birth so, ironically, the first privates the baby saw were Britney’s.

McCain
Senator John McCain toured Thursday the areas hit by floods in Iowa. He did it on his boat "La Pinta."

Barack Obama continues surprising people in the political arena with his capacity to raise money for his campaign. McCain’s staffers said they don’t feel beaten and that the Republican candidate is only digits away from making more than $20 million this weekend; 6 digits away from winning the Mega Millions.

Robots
Japan has produced a robot targeted at lonely men, like men who make robots.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will appear together to meet donors next week at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington D.C. They are making it public to avoid an uncomfortable encounter with Bill and a 3 diamond prostitute in the lobby.

Airline
American Airlines Flight 915 from Miami to Bogota, Colombia, was delayed Wednesday night after a skunk was found in the back of the cargo hold. The crew was shocked; couldn’t Paris Hilton afford first class?

Phone Books
An 1878 New Haven telephone book that was one of the first directories in the country has been sold for $170,500 at Christie's auction house in New York. The bidding was ferocious, mostly among telemarketers.

An 1878 New Haven telephone book that was one of the first directories in the country has been sold for $170,500 at Christie's auction house in New York. There was not much interest until they saw McCain’s phone number listed.

Tiger
Tiger Woods won the U.S. Open playing on torn knee ligaments and a broken leg. That ought to make the other players feel good; Tiger can give you a one leg handicap!

Michelle Obama
The website selling the dress that Michelle Obama wore on "The View" on Wednesday, has been sold for a substantial amount. To get Barbara Walter’s dress is much easier; it’ll cost you a couple of glasses of wine.

June 19th 2008

Hey everybody, good news, I'm in Newsday! next to Leno, Stewart, Ray, Barach, great comedy writers! Thanks to all the people at Newsday and to Mr. Rasak for featuring one of my jokes... an honor... Check the link here:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5731974jun19,0,3510188.story

Obama
Two Muslim women with headscarves who attended Barack Obama's event Monday in Detroit were told they couldn't stand behind the candidate and appear in the picture. Just the opposite of what the McCain’s staffers did; they invited Muslim women to be in a picture... behind Obama...

Drilling
The governor of Florida has changed his mind and is now behind the idea of drilling off the coasts of Florida. He got the support of thousands of people, mostly living in Cuba, who see the oil rigs as rest areas on their way swimming to the U.S.

The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, supports offshore drilling. Of course, he doesn’t need to dive in the Florida waters, Crist can WALK on water.

Titanic
An unused life jacket from the doomed Titanic ship will go under the hammer later this month in New York, Christie's auction house said on Wednesday. They expect tons of bids, mostly from people from the flooded Midwest.

Viagra
According to CBS News, more and more young men are turning to Viagra. With all the drilling offshore they are hearing on the news, they want to be ready for Spring break.

Alcohol
If you think you’ve had three glasses of wine at the bar, you’ve probably had between 4 and five, because according to a new study, bartender's pouring are probably a lot bigger and stronger than they're supposed to be. That’s inversily proportionate to the quality of women you take home from the bar; if you thought she was a 7, she's probably a 5 or a 3."

Thief
In Indiana, an 18-year-old boy stole $17.50 from a 12-year-old girl's lemonade stand. He immediately got a job offer from the IRS.

Coffee
A study found that just smelling coffee in the morning can get you revved up. Don’t give ideas to Starbucks; now they are going to charge us for only passing by one of their shops.

June 18th 2008

Gore
According to the Tennessee Center for Policy Research, in the year since Al Gore took steps to make his home more energy-efficient, the former Vice President’s home energy use surged more than 10%, obviously, not for the use of his treadmill.

Al Gore has decided to endorse Barack Obama for president Monday. That created a new serious problem in the Obama campaign, not because of new attacks from the right, but it’ll be hard to find a stage big enough to accommodate Al Gore and Oprah together.

According to the Tennessee Center for Policy Research, in the year since Al Gore took steps to make his home more energy-efficient, the former Vice President’s home energy use surged more than 10%. Apparently, he‘s got a spotlight on every award he’s won in the last couple of years.

Presidential candidates
Presidential candidates are asking for a clean campaign. Obama doesn’t want to be called Muslim, McCain doesn’t want to be called old, and Nader is begging everybody to call him...

Republicans in Texas distributed a pin at the state convention that said: “If Obama is president will we still call it the White House?” Apparently, Democrats are working on another pin that says: “If McCain is president, will the White House be called ‘The Retirement Home’?”

Gas
According to UPS officials, the drivers of the company have been instructed to take mostly right turns to save money on gas. It is arguable though, our country has taken a right turn for the last 7 years and we have lost a lot of money...

Weight
A man has lost 79 lbs since December by only eating McDonalds. Actually, he had put on 200 lbs until recently when he started ordering extra tomatoes in his burgers.

Coffee
According to a new study out of Spain, drinking coffee can lower your risk of dying from heart attack, unless you go to Starbucks for the first time and they tell you it’s gonna be $5 for the cup.

Brains
Scientists say that losing just one night's sleep can cause the brain to spontaneously shut down. Good thing to know Dick Cheney is safe, because he doesn’t lose sleep for anything.

Scientists say that losing just one night's sleep can cause the brain to spontaneously shut down. How lucky is Bush, he can play poker three nights in a row if he wants, because there’s not much to shut down anyways.

Dogs
Mayor James Valley of Helena-West Helena ordered the release of 10 dogs into the forest Wednesday. We finally know “who let the dogs out...”

Paper
According to environmental groups, you can now buy paper products that are made from elephant dung, like the Washington Post.

Celebrities
Heidi Klum let paparazzo’s take pictures of her right forearm where she tattooed her husband’s name Seal. Seal though, wouldn’t let the media see the place where he tattooed her wife’s name, the name of every member of her family and the name of the members of the town where she was born, because it was very private.

Weddings
You know how the judges in California find out who's the man in the gay couples they marry?
They toss a remote control and whoever grabs it is the man in the relationship

June 17th 2008

Bush
President Bush told the English media that his brother Jeb should be president. When asked if he thinks Jeb would make a good president based on his administration as a governor, or his credentials, Bush said: "not at all, it’s just that three is a charm."

Conservative Republicans said Monday that Jeb Bush could be the candidate for 2012 claiming that Jeb is the smartest in the Bush family. That is like saying Ashley could be president because she’s the smartest of the Simpson family.

During his trip to London, President Bush had tea with the queen. It was pretty uncomfortable when Bush said he had already had tea with a queen… Larry Craig.

Dog
Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for Leona Helmsley's dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million. When McCain heard of a distraught bitch worth $2 million, he immediately thought of a Hillary supporter that might vote for him.

Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for Leona Helmsley's dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million. The dog is so poor now that it’s been forced to go back to plastic bags instead of Louie Vuitton, to pick up its dodo.

Weddings
Gay couples in California began swapping wedding vows yesterday morning. Some of the vows were so creative and flamboyant I thought I was at the Tony Awards ceremony.

Sunday's Tony Awards on CBS received the lowest TV ratings in the show's history. It is understandable; most of the audience was getting ready to get married on Monday.

Researchers say that gay men and straight women share many brain characteristics; they both found "Sex and the City" fabulous!

Oil
Saudi Arabia says that it will raise its daily oil production by 200,000 barrels. And that’s just to fill up the yachts of the oil company executives!

Saudi Arabia says that it will raise its daily oil production by 200,000 barrels after skyrocketing oil prices sparked protests and riots from Spain to South Korea. The extra production will calm down protesters because the tanks will be filled... the tanks and armored cars that will be used to disperse the riots.

Cars
A new study from Colorado State University found that drivers who decorate their vehicles are more prone to road rage, especially if you have the confederate flag, or the Nazi swastika painted in your car.

A new study from Colorado State University found that drivers who decorate their vehicles are more prone to road rage, especially if someone messes with my truck-nuts.

Dead
The residents of a Romanian village knowingly voted for a dead man as their mayor in Sunday's municipal election, preferring him to his living opponent, giving McCain a lot of hope for the upcoming elections.

Obama
The Barack Obama campaign announced Monday that they will hire Patti Solis Doyle, the former campaign manager to Hillary Clinton's presidential bid that left Hillary’s campaign in debt. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea; Patti Solis Doyle first proposal was to throw a $5 million party to celebrate her hiring.

Hero
An Italian man was arrested on suspicion of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend from a pub, taking her home and forcing her to iron his clothes, police said Monday. He became the hero of every man, he’s now known as the new “Iron Man."

June 16th 2008

Bush
President George W Bush has enlisted British Special Forces in a final attempt to capture Osama Bin Laden. Apparently, the president wants to ask Bin Laden about good places to hide because he might need them after he leaves office.

Pope Benedict met with President Bush Friday in the tranquility of the Vatican Gardens. Apparently, the week the pope spent in the U.S. wasn’t enough to confess the president.

The dollar has collapsed in the last year of the Bush administration. Everything has been planned very carefully; Bush wants to make the dollar worthless so nobody can complain if his face shows up in a future bill.

Gas
Americans are crossing to Tijuana to save money on gas. Apparently, they go there driving their SUV’s and come back riding a donkey.

R. Kelly
R. Kelly has been acquitted of child pornography charges. The victim was really pissed.

Obama
Most millionaires say the U.S. economy will rebound in 2009. Then they changed the term "rebound" because they were afraid it would have a racist connotation if Obama is elected.

The Obama campaign has a new web site to fight the attacks on him called "Stop the Smears.” Ironically, now Fox says Obama hates women and wants to stop the pap smears.

Sniff
A Singapore man with a penchant for sniffing women's armpits was sentenced to 14 years in jail and 18 strokes of the cane on his buttocks for molesting his victims, a local newspaper reported on Friday. After they were done with the caning on the buttocks, the man begged to sniff the stick.

Airlines
A New York man committed suicide by jumping out of a plane without a parachute. It was bad the airlines would lose our luggage but now they are losing the passengers.

Tattoos
A tattoo artist in Dallas, Texas set a record by tattooing 415 people in 24 hours. The audience cheered when he finished his last tattoo, a beautiful little something…

Fathers
Kevin Federline got a "Father of the Year" award in Las Vegas over the weekend; unfortunately his kids were not with him when he received the award because he had forgotten them in the car that was parked outside the strip joint.

According to CareerBuilder.com's annual "Working Dads" survey, the bad economy is forcing 47% of men to spend less than three hours a day with their kids. And that’s because kids are forced to have 2 or 3 jobs!

Cell phones
According to the Associated Press, Governor Jim Gibbons is apologizing for using a state-owned cell phone to send more than 800 text messages to a woman he describes as a longtime friend. He immediately received a phone call from the Detroit mayor to find out what kind of cell phone plan he has.

Life
The average life expectancy in the U.S. is now at a record 78.1 years. Unfortunately, due to the bad economy, people are retiring at the age of 78.

June 13th 2008

Breaking News!
R. Kelly has been acquitted of child pornography charges. Apparently the vitim was really pissed about it.....

Tons Of Friday leftovers! Hey, shoot me an e-mail if you have any comments or suggestions, or just to say Hi.....
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend

Friday 13th
Today is Friday the 13th. Things cannot go that bad; Bush is out of the country.

According to a report, millions of people don’t leave their houses on Friday 13th because they are afraid of bad happenings or more than $4 gas...

Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk movie is hitting theaters today. In this one, Dr. Bruce Banner transforms himself into the Incredible Hulk every time he pumps gas.

The Incredible Hulk movie is hitting theaters today. In this one, Dr. Bruce Banner turns green and drives a Prius.

Visas
A New York congressman has introduced a bill that would create 1,000 new visa slots for foreign fashion models. Even Lou Dobbs agrees with that!

A New York congressman has introduced a bill that would create 1,000 new visa slots for foreign fashion models, actually, not visa slots, but visas sluts.

A New York congressman has introduced a bill that would create 1,000 new visa slots for foreign fashion models. Apparently, it is getting harder and harder to find skinny anorexic women in fat America lately.

Obama
Barack Obama is telling voters that if they vote for him, he’ll bring the troops home. Apparently, he’ll need as many soldiers as possible to protect him if he becomes the president.

Guantanamo
The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that foreign inmates at Guantanamo Bay can hire lawyers and sue the federal government. And if the detainees thought they dealt with torture before, wait until they deal with some of the American lawyers.

Scanners
The US Transportation Security Administration said Tuesday that security scanners which can see through passengers' clothing and reveal details of their body underneath are being installed in 10 US airports. Apparently, since airlines are charging $15 for an extra bag, passengers are resorting to very hidden places to bring a second bag on board.

Salmonella
Federal investigators reported 61 new cases since Monday due to a salmonella outbreak: 61 new victims an even a broken toilet in space.

Bikini
A town in Utah is lifting its ban on poolside bikini wearing. What’s next, women voting? Come on!

Conventions
Fox News, MSNBC and CNN expect to have 20 hours live broadcast of the Democratic and Republican convention. And for the other 4 hours at the conventions, Pandemonium!!!

Fox News, MSNBC and CNN expect to have 20 hours of daily live broadcast of the Democratic and Republican convention. The gay network, 24 hours of toilet cam!

Archuleta
David Archuleta has signed a record deal. They expect a hit... from his dad if David doesn’t sell well...

June 12th 2008

Hi there, I was having a pretty crappy week but fortunately today I got great news. Newsday picked up one of my jokes, so thanks to the people at Newsday and Mr. Rasak for choosing one of my lines, alway an honor! Check the link.....
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5723204jun12,0,4694417.story

Cigarettes
Senator Barack Obama told reporters in St. Louis today that he has fallen off the wagon and smoked cigarettes in the last few months despite’s Michelle Obama’s strong objections. Unfortunately for Obama, after his wife caught him smoking, the fist-bump turned into a fist-face salute.

Senator Barack Obama told reporters in St. Louis today that he has fallen off the wagon and smoked cigarettes in the last few months. Aren’t you supposed to smoke after you screw the country, not before?

McCain
Republican presidential nominee John McCain misspoke during a speech about using veto power as president, saying he'd "veto every beer." He corrected himself immediately, especially when he realized that only drunk can you vote for Republicans in the next elections.

Tomatoes
U.S. President George W. Bush declared his fondness for German asparagus on Wednesday. Millions of Americans immediately showed their love for the president new taste by sending him millions of fresh American tomatoes.

Life
The average life expectancy in the U.S. is now at a record 78.1 years. Apparently, people don’t want to die until they can see what it would be like living without Bush in office.

VH1
VH1 is starting another season of celebrity rehab; this one promises even more known celebrities, like former Guns ’N Roses drummer Steven Adler, Rod Stewart’s son Sean and Hillary Clinton.

Viagra
According to the New York Daily News, Roger Clemens regularly took Viagra to enhance his pitching performance. Apparently, the other players didn’t notice it because he also took steroids.

Weird
A kid in China had a penis removed after he was born with two. Apparently, the father decided to remove one of the kid’s penises to help him save money in the future so the kid won’t need to buy two Porches to compensate.

June 11th 2008

Salmonella
There's a salmonella outbreak linked to raw tomatoes in America; it’s already killed 20 bad comedians...

There's a salmonella outbreak linked to raw tomatoes in America. You say tomato, I say :BLUUUURRRRAARRRGGGHHH!

Chicken
Last Friday, police in Connecticut found a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb inside left on a roadside. Do you know why the chicken crossed the road? To kill Americans...

Last Friday, police in Connecticut found a raw roasting chicken with a bomb inside… Well it wasn't actually a bomb; the chicken was stuffed with tomatoes...

Last Friday police in Connecticut found a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb inside left on a roadside. Californians were not surprised; they already knew there was a "Pollo Loco" on the loose.

Last Friday police in Connecticut found a raw roasting chicken with a pipe bomb inside left on a roadside. According to the police, the chicken didn’t explode because it chickened out.

Obama
According to some media reports, Barack Obama is considering retired militaries among his possible running mates. Al Gore suggested Colonel Sanders.

Cigarettes
New York City bumped its cigarette tax up by $1.50 making the cost of a pack over $10. The tax helped the decline of the divorce rate; apparently, wives don’t believe their husbands anymore when they say they are going for a pack of cigarettes.

Drunk
A Sheboygan man was arrested twice for drunken driving within two hours early Tuesday. Apparently, the man claimed that when the cops told him he was going to be behind "bars" if ever drank again he couldn’t wait.

June 10th 2008

McCain
Presidential candidate John McCain told the media yesterday he’s in a serious quest to look for his number two. If only he'd followed the doctor’s advise and had more Metamucil he would find his number two more often.

Condoms
The U.S government supplied scientists in Antarctica with 16,500 free condoms. So, despite all the objections, it seems there’s going to be some drilling in Antarctica after all.

The U.S government supplied scientists in Antarctica with 16,500 free condoms. The scientists were forced to explain that the reason why they bought the smallest condoms available was because of all the shrinkage.

Dirt
NASA scientists said Monday that they are trying to use the Phoenix lander to get a scoopful of Martian dirt... on Obama.

Energy Bars
A Native American company is selling energy bars. Apparently, they want you to look in shape after you lose all your clothes gambling.

Computer
An American military computer set a record by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The government will now use it to calculate the price of gas and our debt with China.

Shoes
Doctors say that flip-flops can cause more medical problems than high heels. “Besides, you don’t look that hot,” said Ryan Seacrest.

Chances
Da’Tara, a 39-1 shot horse, won the Belmont Stakes Saturday. “39-1 shot? I still got chances,” said Nader.

Obama
Barack Obama rode his bicycle Sunday along the shores of Lake Michigan. He, unlike Bush, was wearing a helmet, but in Bush’s defense there’s not much to protect up there anyway.

Chicken
An elusive chicken that took up residence outside a McDonald's was captured and sent to live as a pet with a worker. People outside McDonalds were pissed; this could have been the chance for the Chicken McNugget to be made with real chicken.

Debt
According to a new poll by the Associated Press and AOL, Americans in debt are much more likely to report health problems, especially in your knees if you don’t pay in time.

June 9th 2008

Bush
According to a panel of global experts at the Goldman Sachs conference, water shortage could be the biggest threat to world peace. After hearing that, Bush decided to declare war against Fiji.

A nude man in the middle of Alabama 79 who claimed to be President Bush was arrested by the police for being drunk. Police immediately realized the man was drunk because who on earth wants to be Bush nowadays.

Cars
General Motors may stop making Hummers, the company announced on Tuesday. How ironic that the Hummer is not going to have a happy ending.

Big Brown
Big Brown, a big favorite to win the Belmont Stakes and the Triple Crown, ended up in an inexplicable last place. The owner and jockey were baffled until they were told they saw Big Brown on a date with Jessica Simpson.

Big Brown finished in the last place at Belmont Stakes and couldn’t win the Triple Crown, what would have guaranteed its owner millions of dollars using Big Brown as a breeder. Maybe Big Brown’s last place is a way to tell the world it’s gay.

Cuba
Cuba has authorized sex-change operations and will offer them free for qualifying citizens, an official said Friday. The demand is huge; most men in Cuba dream of having huge boobs and use them as floaters to leave the Island.

McCain
Sen. John McCain will not attend President Bush’s fundraising dinner for congressional candidates to take place in June 18th. McCain’s campaign said they have nothing against the president, but McCain didn’t like what was on the menu: Lame Duck.

Presumptive Republican White House nominee John McCain said Thursday he would like to see a man in Mars, especially Bush.

John McCain extended an invitation to Obama to ride together to future debates to save energy. Obama immediately said yes; he knows that if McCain drives the car Obama won’t get pulled over by the cops every two minutes.

John McCain invited Obama to share a plane to travel to future events so they can both save money and energy. Maybe Hillary could be the drunken pilot.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a private meeting with no aides, just two chairs and water. According to rumors, Hillary spent most of the meeting begging Obama, not for the vice presidency, but to transform the water in wine.

According to the media, Hillary Clinton is trying to recover more than $11 million she loaned to her own campaign. Apparently, she already got a plan: she started talks with Crown Royal whiskey to be her spokeswoman.

Hillary Clinton threw a party Friday for all her staffers despite all her debt. Guests were mad when they found out that there was a $20,000 cover charge.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama held a private meeting with no aides, just two chairs and water. I hope that is not a sign of what our lives are going to be if they both get elected.

Jobs
Wall Street tumbled Friday, taking the Dow Jones industrials down nearly 400 points, after it was known that unemployment numbers were high. If they don’t want to lower the morale of the people they should release the unemployment numbers on Monday morning when everybody whishes they would not be working.

Friday leftovers! Have a nice weekend and please shoot me an e-mail if you have comments, suggestions or ideas....
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

Obama
The fist-bump between Obama and his wife Michelle on stage when Obama clinched the Democratic nomination on Wednesday has become an internet sensation. McCain said that he also wanted to look cool and do the fist-bump on stage with his wife but he ran out of Viagra.

According to media reports, Barack Obama's campaign might end up paying off more than $20 million in debt accrued by defeated rival Hillary Clinton. Apparently, Hillary’s been asking for some of that “change” Obama has been promising lately.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton sent a long e-mail to her supporters telling them she’d finally concede and then she went on about a great venture opportunity in Africa.

Hillary Clinton sent a long e-mail to her supporters telling them she’d finally concede, followed by another e-mail saying: “psyche!”

McCain
According to John McCain’s campaign, the GOP candidate raised $21.5 million in May, more than in previous months. There was nothing different to other months, just a couple of good days at bingo night.

According to media reports McCain will not attend President Bush's fundraising dinner for congressional candidates. Apparently, McCain hates when they share meals with the president and Bush asks him to do the plane with the fork to feed him.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said he would welcome becoming a "martyr" after a judge warned Thursday that he faces the death penalty. Some groups immediately rallied to avoid his execution, especially the 72 virgins that find his chest hair and dirty looks quite disgusting.

Outfits
A website has posted a report on a 58-year-old seamstress from the Deep South, the person in charge of sewing custom-made robes and hood for the KKK. She didn’t have time to talk to the media because since Obama was nominated she’s been working day and night.

Medicines
According to a new report by the European Alliance for Access to Safe Medicines 62% of the medicines people buy online are fake. Please, God, let me be in the other 38% tonight, please let me be in the other 38% tonight!

Scream
VH1 is looking for actresses who aren't afraid to scream for a new show called "Scream Queens." The auditions would sound like any Celine Dion concert.

Jobs
A study found that more Hispanics die on their jobs than other laborers, probably because your chances increase when you have 5 jobs.

June 5th 2008

Breaking News! I’m in Newsday! Thanks to Mr. Rasak and the people at Newsday for choosing one of my jokes. It made my day. Thanks, check the link here:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun055713775jun05,0,3177889.story

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said he would welcome becoming a "marytr" after a judge warned Thursday that he faces the death penalty. Some groups don't want to give him that satisfaction and asked the judge not to kill him, especially the 72 virgins that find his chest hair and dirty looks disgusting.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton said Thursday that she was going to concede on Friday, but at the end of the day moved that day to Saturday. Apparently, she couldn’t pass the opportunity to screw the party for one more day.

According to some reports Hillary Clinton owes more than $30 million. Apparently, that’s the reason she cited for wanting to be Obama’s VP; she wants to save money by carpooling to the
White House.

Politicians
James Marzilli, a state senator from Boston, was arrested and charged for annoying and accosting a person of the opposite sex at a bench in a park. “Come on you guys, get a bathroom!” said Larry Craig.

Tribe
Scientists are debating if it would be convenient to approach an uncontacted tribe in the Amazon spotted by a helicopter last week. The tribe members were reluctant about being contacted at first, but said later that they would not oppose as long as they can run some casinos.

Baseball
A man in China stuck himself with 2,008 needles on his head, hands, chest and shoulders to demonstrate his patriotism for the upcoming Summer Olympics in China. Maybe Roger Clemmens was trying to show his love for the MLB when he stuck so many needles on his butt.

A minor league baseball team gave away a free funeral to one lucky fan Wednesday. Fans all over the country were mad they couldn’t win, especially the Seattle Mariners’ fans who wanted to use the free funeral for their own team.

June 4th 2008

Bill
Hollywood actress Gina Gershon was infuriated by rumors that claimed she had an affair with Bill Clinton. She’s afraid she could be blacklisted from Hollywood, because having an affair with Bill immediately tells producers you that are getting fat.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton might quit running soon, although, judging by her looks lately, it seems she quit running long time ago.

After Obama sealed the Democratic presidential nomination Tuesday, lots of people begged the Democratic candidate to consider Hillary as VP, especially comedians that don’t want to run out of easy material.

Political analysts believe Hillary continues running so she can pay her debts. May be she’s running so her loaners won’t catch her.

Hillary Rodham Clinton told colleagues Tuesday she would consider joining Barack Obama as his running mate. She would be like Dick Cheney, but instead of having several by-passes, Hillary’s passed as “bi” several times.

Obama
Barack Obama quit Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ, which is weird because according to the name the church belongs to him.

McCain
Senator John McCain gave a speech Tuesday to kick off the presidential race against Obama. Unfortunately, the speech was so energetic, so vigorous, that in the process McCain broke his hip.

Divorce
A happily married couple in northern India got the shock of their lives when they learnt that they had divorced 10 years ago, the Times of India reported on Tuesday. That’s how they realized why their sex had been great in the last 10 years.

Kevin Federline
Kevin Federline is being honored as father of the year by a nightclub in Vegas. He said he won’t have any problem attending the party because he can always leave the kids in the parking lot inside the car.

A night club in Vegas nominated Kevin Federline as Father of the Year. The owners changed their minds after Kevin told them he’d attend the party and leave the kids with Britney for the night.

Wall
According to a survey, the number of Americans that don’t want the construction of a wall between Mexico and the U.S is increasing. Apparently, they are afraid the wall will make it difficult for them to sneak into Mexico to fill the tanks of their cars.

Marijuana
Scientists say that heavy marijuana use can shrink the brain. Apparently, Jessica Simpson must have smoked more marijuana than Snoop Doggy Dog.

Scientists say that heavy marijuana use can shrink the brain, which is perfect because due to marijuana I already have bad memory.

June 3rd 2008

Hillary
Bill Clinton hinted Monday that Hillary might concede soon. Apparently, the signs were clear; he stopped pretending he likes her.

Hillary Clinton might concede this Tuesday after primary-season ending contests in South Dakota and Montana. Her voters will show their support by wearing their pants low and showing their butt cracks, half-mast.

Barack Obama said Monday he has asked Democratic presidential rival Hillary Rodham Clinton for a meeting on her terms. Apparently, Hillary already arranged a meeting at a Motel in Memphis

Bill Clinton said Monday that this may be the last day he’d ever be involved in a campaign of this kind. But that won’t stop him from campaigning as the president of the Hooters’ fans club.

A bus company in New York City is offering $1 tickets to Washington, D.C. which is perfect for penniless Hillary who will continue traveling from New York to DC as a senator.

Terrorists
The European Union has developed a system of cameras and computer software designed to automatically foil terrorist threats on airplanes by detecting passenger’s behavior like excessive sweating, nervous touching of the face or standing near the cockpit. Unfortunately, every passenger in desperate need to go to the bathroom when it is occupied will be considered a suspect as well.

CIA
The CIA says that they are continuing to hunt for Osama Bin Laden. They were just quite busy digging up Rev. Wrights’s tapes.

Bush
President Bush said he enjoyed chest-bumping a cadet. Unfortunately, things didn’t go that well when he tried to chest-bump Cheney to celebrate the price of oil and deactivated Cheney's pacemaker.

Candies
According to a new study in the "Journal of Consumer Research,” men who look at or touch bras and bikinis get an intense desire to reward themselves with candies. No wonder Ryan Seacrest is so skinny.

According to a new study in the "Journal of Consumer Research,” men who look at or touch bras and bikinis get an intense desire to reward themselves with candies. No wonder diabetes is so common among men.

DUI
A 17-year-old girl in Long Island told the cops she flunked a breathalyzer test because she kissed a boy that was drunk. Cops were not interested in the story, especially because she said she kissed a boy and not another girl.

Ellen
Ellen DeGeneres asked Laura and Jenna Bush if she and her girlfriend could marry in Bush’s ranch in Crawford Texas. Apparently, the ranch was already booked for another lesbian wedding: Cheney’s daughter.

June 2nd 2008

Obama
The Obama campaign has released a summary of the candidate’s medical records and he’s in excellent health. Doctors only pointed out that Obama cannot eat peanuts, not because he’s allergic, the problem is that the peanuts would fall through the stigmata’s in his hands.

Hillary
On her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota, Hillary Clinton drunk whiskey again with some of the reporters on the plane. I don’t want to say she’s got a problem with alcohol, but even the pilots of the plane asked her to slow down.

Hillary Clinton was photographed again drinking on a plane on her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota. Some people see this as a sign that she might concede soon; apparently, she is drinking now because she doesn’t need to be awake at 3 am in the morning anymore.

Hillary Clinton was photographed again drinking on a plane on her way back from Rapid City in South Dakota. Apparently, she misunderstood her advisors; the ones that are supposed to be drunk are the voters, so they would vote for her.

McClellan
Some Republicans are saying that former press secretary Scott McClellan shouldn’t have slammed the Bush administration and bitten the hand the fed him. And judging by McClellan’s appearance, that hand fed him pretty well.

Rice
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met with the members of the band KISS in the capital of Sweden. Apparently, she was trying to recruit the KISS army to fight in Iraq.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice met with the members of the band KISS in the capital of Sweden. Gene Simmons was quite frustrated, he’s always bragged about all the women he’s seduced, but no matter how hard he tried, Rice didn’t seem interested at all.

Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken has artificially inseminated a friend and is going to be a daddy. Apparently, to get aroused in the room, Aiken didn’t use magazines, just the movie “Sex in the City.”

Steroids
A new documentary called "Bigger, Stronger, Faster" takes an intensive look at the world of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. Hopefully, at the premiere of the movie I don’t have to seat behind any of the athletes that took steroids, because those giant heads wouldn’t let me see a thing.

Susan Sarandon
Susan Sarandon said she’d leave the country and move to Canada if McCain gets elected president. In other news, Bob and Doug McKenzie said that they would leave the country if McCain gets elected president because they wouldn’t like to live with Susan Sarandon.

E-mail
Research shows that 20% of Americans have never used e-mail. Those are the ones that were told only by their wives that they are not well endowed.

Fire
A fire at Universal Studios has destroyed a set from "Back to the Future," which is not a big deal because I don’t think Michael J. Fox is interested in going to the future anymore.

A fire at Universal Studios has destroyed a video vault containing more than 40,000 videos and reels. Unfortunately, none of the Paris Hilton movies were affected by the fire.

A large fire raged on a back lot at Universal Studios on Sunday proving the theory that Hollywood is full of flames.

Mars
NASA scientists said yesterday that they’ve found a large patch of ice just below the Martian surface, a step towards finding evidence of life. Apparently, Martians surface the ice whenever they want to play hockey.