September 30th 2008

Debate
The nationally televised debate last week between U.S. presidential contenders drew 52.4 million U.S. viewers. The second debate is expected to do worse, not because of lack of interest, but rather because by that time most Americans will have been forced to pawn their TV sets due to the economy.

Most political analysts praised John McCain, a known temperamental and edgy debater, because the candidate kept his cool throughout the entire debate. Unfortunately, the two puppies McCain bumped into while leaving the University couldn’t say the same.

Palin
During an interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin couldn’t name any supreme court case other than Roe V. Wade. However, she told Couric that she’ll go home to watch Judge Jury for a week and get back to her.

Sarah Palin is holding her vice presidential debate with Joe Biden on Thursday. I don’t want to say that the McCain campaign is cramming too much info and very fast on her, but I’ve heard she’s burping answers on foreign policy and farting answers on the economy.

Shut
A man in West Virginia who had his first bowel movement 17 days after a rectum surgery, is suing his doctor because he discovered his rectum had been stapled. The man is demanding compensation for emotional distress, for the cleaning of the entire bathroom and for the ophthalmologist after the staples hit his wife’s right eye.

McCain
Sen. John McCain took credit for building a winning bailout coalition, hours before the vote failed and stocks tanked. In other news, McCain said he’s healthy like an ox.

Sen. John McCain took credit for building a winning bailout coalition, hours before the vote failed and stocks tanked. It wasn’t the only gaffe like that the senator had in the past. Apparently, he once sent a gift basket to the owners of the Hindenburg congratulating them for a successful trip.

Economy
The House’s website was overwhelmed Monday as millions of computer users sought information about the financial-bailout bill rejected by the House. Actually, people googled the F word for porn and they were directed to that page.

After congress didn’t approve the bailout, president Bush said that "our strategy is to continue to address this economic situation head on..." Apply directly to American taxpayers.

Over a thousand people were arrested in a California immigration sweep. They were caught going back to Mexico running away from the lousy economy.

September 29th 2008

Debate
Political analysts were surprised that Sarah Palin wasn’t available after the presidential debate to talk to the media about McCain’s performance. Nobody knew where the vice presidential candidate was. According to Russians, she was throwing a party in the backyard of her home in Alaska.

The presidential debate took place on Friday. It almost didn’t happen, not because McCain was not going to show up, but because due to the financial crisis nobody at the University had a quarter to lend the organizers to do to the coin toss and determine the order to answer questions.

Most political analysts praised John McCain, a known temperamental, an edgy debater, because the candidate kept his cool throughout the entire debate. Unfortunately, the two puppies McCain bumped into while leaving the University couldn’t say the same.

Ads
The Obama campaign released an ad that shows McCain winning the 2008 elections. Senator McCain immediately called the press to show that Obama also lies in his ads.

After the presidential debate, Obama released an ad attacking McCain because the Republican candidate never mentioned the middle class during the debate. To be fair with McCain, I didn’t know we still have a middle class in America either.

Water
Authorities in Capitol Hill are warning people of a potential shortage of water, especially if Republicans keep washing their hands off this financial crisis all the time.

Hillary
Hillary Clinton is getting her own comic book. A possible name: I wonder , woman?

In The News
Japan is planning to spend $9 billion on a massive space elevator to lift people and objects into orbit. The only problem so far is to find someone that can survive Kenny G for such a long ride.

Six retired NFL players will donate their brains to science when they die so U.S. researchers can study the effects of concussions. Scientists are still looking for a couple more of NFL players so they get at least one brain out of the 8.

A 61-year-old Kentucky man is suing his doctor for removing his penis without his consent. The lawyer suggested a million dollars an inch in compensation, until his client’s wife told him that would be a half a million dollar settlement.

Wedding
Some people in the McCain campaign are not discarding the possibility of a pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, and Levi Johnston. The couple is already registered at Bed, Bad and Not Beyond November 5th.

Some people in the McCain campaign are not discarding the possibility of a pre-election wedding in Alaska between Bristol Palin, and Levi Johnston: A ceremony where the only white thing should be the ice.

September 26th 2008

Happy Friday! I almost pulled a McCain and didn't write any jokes until Congress aprove the bailout plan but I thought some people might need a chuckle with so many bad news, especially if you are a WAMU stockholder. So these are some Friday leftovers. If you have any comments, ideas, suggestions, or a bailout plan send me an e-mail at
pedrobartes@hotmail.com Have a nice weekend Pedro....

Bush
Some economists predicts that if there’s no consensus on a plan on the bailout before Monday , the market can collapse on the opening. Bush told them to relax because he has a plan that will gain some time: a 4 months weekend.

Magician David Blaine had the live broadcast of his daredevil stunt interrupted by president Bush’s address to America on Wednesday. Unfortunately after Bush’s speech, any other stunt look amateurish.

OJ Simpson trial continues in Las Vegas this week. This time, unlike last week, OJ seems to be really confident things will finish in his favor. if Bush is capable of getting away selling the bailout to Americans, like he sold the War in 2003, OJ might walk away free again.

Sinuses
Researchers have found out that pleasuring yourself is an excellent natural remedy to clear up your sinuses. This just in: Megan Fox has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in medicine for her contribution to the cure of the Sinuses.

Rock
Scientists have found a 4.28 billion years old rock, the oldest known rock on earth. They found it in McCain’s office in Washington being used as a paperweight.

Dollar
According to a new study, people spend more when there’s no dollar sign in front of the price on a menu. Unless you’re a foreigner, because now when you see the dollar sign, you laugh and ask for the most expensive bottle of wine.

Sterilized
A Louisiana Congressman says we should pay poor people $1,000 to get sterilized Apparently, it’ll be known in congress as the Bob Barker bill.

Affair
According to a recent survey, one in three fathers have had an affair since their kids were born. The other two have not met my wife yet.

School
A male teenager from Hamilton, Kentucky, is fighting for his right to wear makeup at school, but school leaders say it's a distraction. Especially for teachers that cannot stop fantasizing about him.

September 25th 2008

McCain
It was reported yesterday that Senator John McCain paid $5,500 to the makeup artist who works on "American Idol" for similar cosmetic services. McCain immediately denied he’s got a make up artist on staff, he just has an embalmer.

It was reported yesterday that Senator John McCain paid $5,500 to the makeup artist who works on "American Idol" for similar cosmetic services. Apparently he needs a real professional to hide his resemblance to President Bush.

Senator John McCain wants to suspend the presidential debate scheduled for Monday. Apparently, there’s a Matlock and Golden Girls marathon on TV.

Tubes
Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, said Tuesday he is studying a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to have their Fallopian tubes tied. Apparently, it’ll be known as the Bob Barker bill.

Louisiana State Rep. John LaBruzzo, said Tuesday he is studying a plan to pay poor women $1,000 to have their Fallopian tubes tied. Some people wished they had this bill passed way before so they could have LaBruzzo’s mother to do it before she had him.

Bush
In a televised address, President Bush spoke to America Wednesday. A lot people missed it though, because "The Biggest Looser" airs on Tuesdays.

President Bush has invited both presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Obama and McCain’s managers both agreed to secure the windows at the White House, so Bush doesn’t sneak out and leave both candidates there to try to rescue this sinking ship.

Economy experts are skeptical about giving Henry Paulson $700 billion and so much responsibility when he wasn’t even elected by the people. But didn’t we give an entire country and a lot more responsibility to someone that wasn’t elected by the people either?

Couric
CBS News anchor Katie Couric sat down for an exclusive interview with vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin Wednesday. During the interview CBS kept showing a disclaimer that the tape wasn’t a repeat of Couric’s colonoscopy.

Bears
The Center for Biological Diversity says that polar bears are hungry and resorting to cannibalism, not only because the ice is melting and global warming transforms the Arctic, but also because they are copying from the human behavior of brokers in Wall Street.

Oregon Biker
Over the past few months, the police in Ashland, Oregon have been swamped with calls complaining about a hot woman that rides her bike around town wearing only a thong. That leads us to believe most of the population in Oregon is gay.

September 24th 2008

Clay Aiken
Clay Aiken’s admitted he’s gay. He’s is on the cover of People magazine holding his infant son with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay." Immediately after that, his son uttered his first words: “Duh!”

Clay Aiken is on the cover of People magazine holding his infant son with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay." If sales do well, the next cover of People will continue with shocking revelations: a picture of Larry Craig, holding a roll of toilet paper saying he’s gay too.

Politics
Both candidates keep repeating that they want change for America on their campaign trails. If America wants change, we should vote for Bush again, because after the financial crisis, that’s the only thing left in the country.

UN
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, gave Bush the thumbs-down during Bush’s speech at the UN General assembly. The interpreter seemed to be a little confused, because he showed Bush the middle finger instead.

Teeth
A federal report issued Tuesday said that millions of poor American children have untreated tooth decay. Now, even the Dentists association is supporting the McCain’s slogan: “Drill here drill now.”

A federal report issued Tuesday said that millions of poor American children have untreated tooth decay. Apparently, parents want their kid’s teeth to fall, hoping the tooth fairy would bring some much-needed money to the house.

Palin
Some of the world leaders, whom Sarah Palin met at the UN General Assembly, were complimentary with the Alaskan governor. The leaders couldn’t wait to go back to their countries and tell their families that they had met Tina Fey.

Immigrants
The wave of immigrants entering the United States slowed dramatically as the US economy is collapsing. The illegals who still enter the U.S. go straight to Home Depot to pick up stock brokers and take them to Mexico for cheap labor.

TV
According to a new study, broadcast TV will have 16 gay or bisexual regular characters on prime-time shows this fall, most of them in CSpan.

In the news
According to a recent study, married couples who want to break up are staying together because it costs too much money to get divorced. Unfortunately, they lose the same money in the long run, especially with all the broken plates and the hospital bills after the fights.

September 23rd 2008

Illusionist
Illusionist David Blaine is attempting to hang upside down for 60 hours above Central Park. Thousands gathered immediately under the magician, not so much because they cared about the stunt, but rather because we’re so poor now, people were hoping some coins would fall from his pocket.

Illusionist David Blaine is doing a stunt that consists of hanging upside down for 60 hours above Central Park. Unfortunately for the magician, this time the competition is big, there are already tons of Wall Street traders hanging from trees in Central Park since the economic crisis began last week.

Politics
60 minutes gave Sunday an entire hour to John McCain and Barack Obama. They also gave 5 minutes to Ralph Nader... 5 minutes to leave the premises when he showed up to ask for an interview.

Palin
Researchers from the University of Florida have found that men who hold sexist views earn about $8,500 a year more than men with a forward-thinking view of women. That explains why since Sarah Palin became a candidate many people in the media got a raise.

Sarah Palin will have only two days to meet with seven world leaders and former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger in New York City this week. It’ll be like speed presidential dating.

In the news
Several neighborhoods near Orlando International Airport recently learned their 8-year-old developments were built on a World War II bombing range that wasn't thoroughly cleared. Most of them will stay, because they have more chances of losing their homes to foreclosure than to a hidden bomb.

Police in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, were called to an apartment building after neighbors spotted a 3-year-old boy carrying a baby bottle full of beer. The little boy's mother was immediately arrested because the beer of choice was Bud Light.

Dane Cook says he doesn’t want to move out of his apartment because then he will no longer be inspired by the spirits of John Belushi and Steve Martin. Judging by Cook’s latest movies, that apartment must have also been inhabited by Paulie Shore.

September 22nd 2008

Exercise
Canadian and U.S. researchers say there is a direct correlation between fingers length and being motivated to hit the gym. Apparently, the longer the proctologist’s middle finger is, the fastest you want to run away.

Weapon
Israeli police has developed a weapon that sprays a nauseating smell and helps disperse demonstrators. Demonstrators are planning to travel to New Jersey to train and get ready for future attacks with the smelly weapon.

McCain
John McCain says Barack Obama's economic policies will lead the nation into another depression. Especially his...

SNL did a skit about McCain in which the candidate constantly includes lies in his political ads. The senator immediately complained about the skit and said that “that’s a lie,” and asked for the tape to include it on his next political commercial.

According to Newsweek, Senator John McCain owns 13 cars. With so many cars and his bad jokes on stage, he could be the perfect replacement for Jay Leno.

According to Newsweek, Senator John McCain owns 13 cars. Apparently, every time Cindy tells McCain to go to the store for oatmeal, McCain comes back with an automobile.

Taxes
Vice presidential candidate Joe Biden is getting criticized for saying that paying taxes is patriotic... especially by Wesley Snipes.

Lice
Health officials warned Thursday about a new breed of drug-resistant super lice. That was until they realized that all the head scratching they were seeing lately had nothing to do with lice, but rather with people in Wall Street not believing the economy tanked that bad.

Cold
Canadian researchers say that social isolation can actually make a person feel cold. This just in: president Bush just ordered 20 heaters for his room at the White House.

Movie
The movie Battle in Seattle hit theaters this week, a movie about anarchist in Seattle protesting against capitalism. Producers are working on a sequel; this time Wall Street traders will be the ones protesting against capitalism.

Palin
At the insistence of the McCain campaign, the debate between Sarah Pain and Joe Biden will have shorter question-and-answer segments than those for the presidential nominees, the advisers said. They also requested that Palin can phone a friend for help or poll the audience in case she needs it.

Political analysts are saying that Sarah Palin’s fame has declined considerably, especially after the interview with Charles Gibson. Critics are saying that with that interview Palin jumped the moose.

Political experts have noticed that McCain and Palin ‘s appearances together are getting better and that both candidates are more comfortable with each other when they share a stage. In fact, their timing on stage is so good that they can finish each other’s lies.

Democrats
One-third of white Democrats have negative views of black people... especially of those who play for the New York Knicks.

Yankees
Sunday was the last game at Yankee stadium and the team is moving to a new field. The old stadium will be destroyed soon and officials are considering using the team’s performance as an explosion device.

The Yankees are leaving Yankee Stadium and moving to a new field being built right next to the old one. New Yankee Stadium will be ready as soon as work crews clean up all the visiting team's home runs hit off Yankee pitchers this year from old Yankee Stadium

September 19th 2008

Friday leftovers! Hey guys if you want to send comments, suggestions, food, or anything, please send me an e-mail at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a great weekend

Hacking
Computer experts have told Sarah Palin that to avoid being hacked in the future, she should choose passwords with words that cannot be associated with her or her family, like condoms.

The FBI said that hackers who broke into Sarah Palin’s e-mails were able to obtain the password by answering the secret question of where the Alaska governor had met her husband. And you call that a hacker? How many places are there in Wasilla where you can meet people?

Economy
Recent polls show that the recent financial crisis is affecting John McCain in the polls. How ironic, Bush stopped McCain from being president in 2000, and he’s working on doing the same in 2008.

The Financial Times reported Friday that troubled US investment bank Morgan Stanley is in talks to sell a stake of up to 49 percent to China. The American economy has gone down so much, it went through the core of the earth and ended up in China.

Congress promised quick action on a plan to help collapsing banks. Bush welcomed the news, but said that he didn’t know Tyra had problems with the ratings.

Hurricane
A group of people took refuge from Hurricane Ike inside a church, including a man and his lion. It seems God heard the prayers for food, unfortunately only the lion’s.

In the news
According to a recent survey, the average executive works straight through with no lunch break three days a week. How bad is our economy doing that even executives can’t afford lunch.

A recent survey found that the average executive only takes a 35-minute lunch break. The break is actually two hours, but they spend the rest of the time screwing their secretaries.

A delegate at the GOP convention was robbed of $120,000 by his would-be one-night stand. Don’t worry, he’ll get that money back and even more screwing tons of people if they get elected in 08.

Politics
The Virginia Republicans chose George Allen, famous for calling a black person "Macaca", as a speaker of a rally intended to reach out to minority voters in Fairfax County. The event is going to be emceed by Imus, and Michael Richards will warm up the crowd before the event starts.

Former U.S. Rep. Mark Foley isn't expected to face charges after a lengthy investigation into his lurid messages to underage congressional pages. The former congressman welcomed the news and immediately e-mailed his friends to invite them for a celebratory party in Chucky Cheese.

McCain
John McCain's campaign Thursday refused to say whether the Republican candidate would welcome Spain's Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero. McCain said that it is nothing personal, but he first needs to resolve a problem he had with Christopher Columbus back in the days.

September 18th 2008

Hey everybody, good news, I was published in Newsday. Thanks to Mr. Rasak and the people of Newsday for choosing one of my jokes, it feels awesome, thanks. Check it here.

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5847314sep18,0,1609634.story

Economy
Political analysts agreed that after choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate, John McCain had this upcoming elections in the bank. Unfortunately, with the economic crisis, the bank wasn’t the most suitable place to keep the elections.

Due to the uncertain economy, the price of gold skyrocketed, making Michael Phelps the richest person in America.

According to a Reuters/Zogby poll released on Wednesday, Americans feel slightly happier than before. The survey could be wrong, though as the participants were surveyed on payday.

According to a Reuters/Zogby poll released on Wednesday, Americans feel slightly happier than before. Apparently, the survey was done among workers of funeral homes, makers of ropes and guns.

After the financial crisis, McCain wants to regulate the economy, even though he was against that in the past. I guess when you get older you become more aware of the importance of being regular.

McCain and Obama are tied in the polls. So why don't we leave them there and look for new candidates?

Palin
Sean Hannity interviewed Sarah Palin Thursday. I don’t want to say the questions were planted, but at the end of the interview, a little baby question-tree was born in the studio.

The company that makes McCain’s campaign merchandise said that they are making tons of Sarah Palin T-shirt betting on the popularity of the vice-presidential candidate. If Bush continues helping the McCain/Palin ticket, those little kids in South America and Africa are going to look so cute wearing the T-shirts.

Hackers broke into the Yahoo! e-mail account of Sarah Palin. The FBI said only technologically savvy people are capable of doing that. The first suspect: John McCain, who invented the BlackBerry.

TV
Nickelodeon will go dark for three hours on September 27 to encourage kids to go outside and play. All the other TV channels for kids will go "red, white and blue" and play the best cartoons ever, so our fat American kids won’t have to leave their couches... USA, USA!

The financial crisis is forcing banks to merge or even declare bankruptcy. That gives NBC an idea for a new TV show: “The Last Bank Standing.”

In the news
Next Spring, the University of Wisconsin will have a beer-making class. I hope that the makers of Bud and Miller light will attend the class too.

A new study shows that dogs have what’s called "contagious yawning" and when they see you yawn, they yawn too. Either that or, like you, your dog finds your wife’s chat extremely boring.

According to a new study from the MRC Dunn Human Nutrition Unit in England, instant coffee can cause men to grow man boobs. Especially if you have 20 doughnuts with each cup of coffee.

According to an upcoming documentary, Fidel Castro slept with 35,000 women. He didn’t have sex with them, just shared the bed because there are only 10 beds in all Havana.

September 17th 2008

Clinton
Bill Clinton sent an e-mail to Democrats offering a DVD of Hillary & Bill’s convention speeches for $50 dollars and an autographed version for $250. And for a little more than a thousand, you can also get the speech delivered face to face, more or less what they charged Obama to do it at the Democratic National convention.

Bill Clinton sent an e-mail to Democrats offering a DVD of Hillary & Bill’s convention speeches for $50 dollars. It comes with the director’s commentary, explaining how they coached Hillary to pretend she liked Obama.

George Lopez
George Lopez says that he's campaigning for Barack Obama. In other news, Carlos Mencia will launch a new show called: Campaigning for Barack Obama.

Paul McCartney
Paul McCartney has been getting death threats from Islamic terror groups for his decision to perform in Israel. Paul just laughs at the threats; apparently, living with Heather Mills makes you immune to everything.

Paul McCartney has been getting death threats from Islamic terror groups for his decision to perform in Israel... and his last album...

Product Placement
According to Nielsen, the TV show American Idol uses product placement more than any other primetime series. Apparently, they took into account that Paula Abdul is a walking billboard for pharmaceutical companies.

In the news
An Israeli city is using DNA analysis of dog droppings to punish pet owners who don’t scoop up their dog’s mess off the street. The new program gives a deserved break to Mr. Goldberg, the poor guy that was in charge of smelling dog’s asses to find the culprit.

A type of foldable soccer goal is being recalled after its maker received reports of young children getting caught in the net. They will start selling the product again with this warning label: “Parents are not supposed to kick their kids inside the goal to score.”

A survey carried out by The Blue Cross showed that allowing dogs in the workplace helps employees to relax. Especially if you take your pit bull and you put it to guard the food you keep in the work refrigerator.

Police in northern Nigeria have arrested a Muslim preacher who claims 86 wives and 107 children, charging him with breaking Islamic laws governing marriage. The man handed himself in and begged to be incarcerated for life.

Palin
Some conservative websites say that the reason why Sarah Palin bought a tanning bed was that she suffers from sun light deprivation. I blame McCain’s campaign staffers, who keep her hiding from the press in a dark basement.

Obama
According to a recent study, after both parties’ conventions, Obama had 54,624 mentions in the media compared to McCain's 36,771 mentions. Actually, if we tally the times reporters mistook Obama’s name for Osama, Obama beat McCain by two millions.

September 16th 2008

Economy
Most the banks in the US are in serious financial crisis. In some of them, when you go to make a deposit, the tellers welcome you wearing ski masks.

Senator John McCain said Monday that the fundamentals of the economy are still sound. Easy to say for him as he’s half deaf; because, for most Americans, if the economy is sound, it sounds like a Yoko Ono album.

Good News for senator McCain: After the collapse on the market yesterday, most economists advised stockowners to go for the lipstick strategy. Put on some lipstick and start hitting the streets to get some extra cash.

During a town hall meeting in Orlando John McCain said that the economy is safe because the working class is the backbone of the U.S. economy. Unfortunately, I don’t know for how long people can keep getting it in the backbone.

Palin
Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said Monday she would concentrate on energy. Apparently, she’ll be in charge of turning the lights off when there’s nobody left in this country.

Recent polls show McCain/Palin with a huge lead in Alaska. When asked why they were so enthusiastic about voting Republican, most of the people in Alaska said they don’t want Palin to ever go back there as a governor.

Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the Governor's Mansion. The governor now claims she did it because she wanted to understand people of color.

Sarah Palin is now under criticism for having a tanning bed installed in the Governor's Mansion. I would be concerned if I were McCain, Palin is now saying she installed the bed so senator McCain would have a place to sleep when he’s visiting Alaska.

McCain’s staffers were disappointed Monday when during a speech in Jacksonville the candidate didn’t draw a big crowd because Sarah Palin wasn’t with him. They have a plan; from now onwards, they’ll put some lipstick and a skirt on Giuliani, and take him as a Sarah Palin’s double.

Other news
A doctor in England will be sentenced next month for giving his female patients breast massages to stimulate hair growth. Apparently, the doctor got it wrong; it stimulates the growth of other parts of the body, especially his.

According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average married couples in the U.S. have sex 66 times a year, but only three to four times with each other.

American Idol winner David Cook has announced that his debut album will hit stores November 18th. And hit stores again on November 19th when those who bought the albums throw them back.

September 15th 2008

McCain
Senator John McCain visited “The View” on Friday. The McCain campaign immediately requested the clip of the interview so they can use it as part of the footage they have been showing of McCain being tortured as POW.

Obama
There’s an email going around claiming to have a link to an Obama sex tape. When you open the e-mail it infects your computer with spyware that steals your passwords and bank account data. Hackers tried first with a McCain sex tape e-mail, but nobody cared to open it.

There's an email going around claiming to have a link to an Obama sex tape. When you open the e-mail it infects your computer with spyware that steals your passwords and bank account data. Or just wait until Obama gets elected; after that you are going to lose your bank account anyways.

Palin
Several people commented that the interview of Sarah Palin in ABC looked like it was heavily edited. ABC apologized and said that they were forced to cut out every part they caught Charles Gibson staring at Palin’s breast.

Pam Anderson said Sarah Palin can "suck it." I doubt she’s ever done it. Why do you think she has so many kids?

GOP
The Republican Party’s new slogan, "Drill here, drill now," is getting more than 50% support from American people and 100% support from the American Dentist Association.

More and more Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin is the next Margaret Thatcher. Democrats agree; she’s like Thatcher now... with dementia.

Amazon
Amazon.com is planning to sell U.S. wines over the Internet. That’s a great idea because they take so long to deliver that by the time you get the wine, it is going to be well aged.

Bush
White House press secretary Dana Perino said that we haven’t captured Osama because Bush doesn’t have superpowers. That’s arguable; if you see the McCain campaign lately, Bush seems to have the powers of the invisible man.

E-mails
Fact check groups say that most of the e-mail chains sent by both parties with facts about political candidates are plagued with lies. Even the kings of Africa and the lottery organizers of Scotland complained about the lies.

Meat
According to a recent study, eating meat protects you from brain shrinkage. I guess Jessica Simpson must be a vegan, then.

Water
According to an investigation, U.S. hospitals flush millions of pounds of unused pharmaceuticals down the drain, pumping contaminants into America's drinking water. That answered the question of why American swimmers did so well at the Olympics.

September 12th 2008

Busy day today, so no much time to think of anything. Anyhow, here there are some Friday Jokes. Have a nice weekend.
Pedro

Politics
McCain said Thursday that he would invite Obama to be part of his cabinet. Apparently, if elected, McCain needs a bodyguard to protect him from Sarah Palin.

An Illinois restaurant says that the Barack Obama cookies are vastly outselling John McCain's. Of course, who wants to eat old cookies?

McCain said Thursday he admires mayors because he's divorced from the day-to-day challenges of everyday Americans while in Washington, D.C. Right after that comment, Former Detroit Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, texted McCain saying: “I’ll be divorced too.”

Obama said Thursday that he thinks there will be an enormous response if we have a president that consistently asks young people to reach for something bigger than themselves. “Yes,” said Clay Aken, “my friends and I want to reach for something bigger than ourselves.”

Sarah Palin has done a decent job in her interview on TV; she has great presence on stage. Fortunately for her, this presidential election, like beauty pageants, doesn’t have a talent portion anymore.

Economy
According to a recent study, wives are having affairs because, due to the economy, husbands are being forced to work longer hours and don’t have time to please them. They are also having affairs because, due to the bad economy, husbands are asking their wives to look for someone that can cheap in with the bills.

Savings
A man in Blackburn, England, gave away his entire life savings when his doctor told him he only had six weeks to live, but then he didn’t die. Apparently, now the doctor is giving away his entire life savings because the patient told him he’ll kill him soon.

September 11th 2008

Hey everybody I'm in Newsday! Thanks to Mr Rasak, and the people at Newsday for choosing one of my jokes. It is always awesome to be published next to important comedy writers. Check the link:
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5837299sep11,0,5607334.story

Palin
Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she's the right person to boost an ill economy. She said there's no reason for the U.S. to have a bear market when you can just take a shotgun into the woods and kill them for free."

Politics
Political analysts started to say that John McCain is running his campaign hiding behind Sarah Palin’s skirt. And advantage that Obama will never have with Hillary Clinton.

YouTube has removed a McCain’s webad that features Katie Couric on the request of CBS. Actually the McCain campaign pulled it off, because like Couric’s newscasts on CBS, nobody was watching the ad.

According to Gov. David Patterson , Republicans are using the phrase "Community Organizer" as a code for "Black". Like during a party Republicans would say : here comes a Community Organizer", hide your wallet.

According to Gov. David Patterson , Republicans are using the phrase "Community Organizer" as a code for "Black". A trendy expression that replaced the old Macaca one.

Lipstick
The media was flooded with people this Wednesday saying that Obama compared Sarah Palin with a pig and McCain compared Hillary with a pig. Pigs were outraged.

You can put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig... a very fruity one, but still a pig.

Baby
A newborn girl was found abandoned in a women's toilet in China's Bird's Nest National Stadium state press said Wednesday. Actually the parents claim the baby was training in the toilet for swimming competitions for the next Olympic Games.

News
According to a survey by "The Journal of Sexual Medicine", having success with women is less important to a man than having the respect of his friends and family . Unfortunately the only way to have respect among friends is if you have success with women.

Police in England hope to rehabilitate sex offenders by taking them to the movies. They plan to feature the movie "Mamma Mia" which guaranties nobody leaves the movie theater arouse.

September 10th 2008

Sarah Palin
People are still praising Sarah Palin’s speech at the GOP convention. That tells you how bad the state of our education system is that people are still mesmerized because somebody knew how to read.

Sarah Palin has been preparing herself very hard for her upcoming interview with Charles Gibson. People close to the candidate say she’s been watching repeatedly the movie "Basic Instincts" for ideas to distract the TV host.

According to the New York Post, seventy percent of Americans share their beds and sleep with their pets. Apparently, they just put some lipstick on them and pretend they are sleeping with a hockey mom.

During her latest appearances, Sarah Palin has been saying that she sold a plane on eBay. Apparently, she sold the plane in a package with her daughter’s purity ring.

According to the Washington Post, Sarah Palin billed the state of Alaska, $54.33 in 312 occasions just for sleeping in her own home. Democrats were appalled; they are willing to pay way more if she wants to stay home for a very long time.

McCain and Sarah Palin are getting huge crowds during their latest appearances after the GOP convention. Obama has a plan to counteract their latest fame; he’s planning on releasing an ad comparing McCain with Britney Spears.

Politics
During recent comments, Cheney said that Sarah Palin is one of the most attractive, sexiest, pieces of ass that ever existed in American Politics. And by Cheney I mean Mary Cheney, Dick’s daughter.

During a campaign stop in Columbia Missouri, Joe Bidden introduced State Senator Chuck Graham and told him to stand up without realizing the senator uses a wheelchair. Apparently, Bidden thought Obama was around and was going to make a miracle and make Chuck Graham walk again.

Study
According to a recent survey, 85% of men in long-term relationships continue to masturbate even when they're getting regular action. The other 15% sit on their hands and pretend it is someone else.

September 9th 2008

Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin will give her first media interview to Charles Gibson on ABC. They chose ABC because that’s the way they want the questions asked, with multiple choices.

Sarah Palin keeps saying that her experience will help stop the falling of Americans abroad. Not soldiers, just U.S. contestants during Miss Universe Beauty pageants.

I don’t want to say Sarah Palin is bigger than Jesus, but some Republicans, instead of a Jesus fish, have a put a Barracuda on their cars.

Sarah Palin is trying to convince people she’s the right person to boost an ill economy. She might be right; no market would dare be a BEAR market with Palin around.

Democrats are saying that with the McCain-Palin ticket, US soldiers will remain in Iraq for a very long time. They might be onto something; I don’t think Palin is that familiar with the term “pull out.”

Cockatoo
Police in Trenton, New Jersey, kicked down a door to help someone who was yelling "help me," but it was only a cockatoo. The owner reassured the cops nothing was wrong, then set the oven at 450 degrees and went on slicing the potatoes.

Osama
During his recent speeches, John McCain kept saying that he would capture Osama Bin Laden. Apparently, McCain knows where Osama is; probably renting one of his caves.

Lady Di
The limo company that owns the car princess Di was killed in is planning to sell it. The car comes in several plastic bags.

Fantasy Football
According to recent estimates, the average fantasy football player loses ten minutes a day at work... not watching porn....

Households
According to a CNN article, when a man makes more money that his wife, he's able to avoid certain household tasks just because he's the one earning the big paycheck. This just in: John McCain just cancelled his Town Hall meeting in Nebraska because he has to vacuum the living room.

September 8th 2008

John McCain
John McCain said Sunday that he’d pay only one dollar per year to future members of his cabinet. The possible candidates’ names have been leaked already: Jose, Juan, Jesus...

John McCain said Sunday that he’d pay only one dollar per year to future members of his cabinet. What McCain is not telling you is that the future annual salary for Americans under his administration is probably going to be two cents.

Republicans had good and bad news after McCain’s speech at the Republican National Convention Thursday. The good news, almost 40 million people watched McCain’s speech. The bad news, almost 40 million people watched McCain’s speech.

John McCain’s speech at the GOP convention reminded everyone of the sacrifice he did for the country when he was imprisoned and tortured by his captors. McCain wanted the audience to experience what he went through, and he accomplished that especially torturing them with such a boring speech.

John McCain said Sunday that he would put Democrats in his cabinet. And keep them there until they know what it feels like to be in a cage like he was in Vietnam.

TV
Fox Network debuted a show Sunday called "Hole in a Wall" where contestants are supposed to go through a wall. As you can imagine illegal immigrants will win all the shows of the first season.

Ratings
According to Nielsen Media Research, the Republican National Convention scored huge ratings. Apparently, the ratings were not that high in Alaska, because, judging by Palin’s big family, they don’t waste much time watching TV there.

Robbery
A robber in a wheelchair entered a Dallas 7-Eleven, beat the cash register with a baseball bat until it opened, and left only with a lot of condoms and an energy drink. Police suspect that, judging by the urgency and the loot of the robber, the bat wasn’t actually a bat.

Cell phones
A study says that cell phones can cause people sleepless nights from the radiation they emit. Or just by getting a phone call from your girlfriend telling you she didn’t get her period this month.

Dogs
According to a recent study, a Great Dane can cause you up to $1,177 in damages in its lifetime. “Or in a minute if it loses the fight,” said Michael Vick.

September 5th 2008

Friday leftover! Please send me an e-mail with comments, ideas, or suggestions, or just to say Hi at: pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a nice weekend. Pedro

McCain’s speech
John McCain addressed the GOP convention Thursday. Like in the Olympics, the networks ran the word "live" in the corner of the screen, but in this case, it was to reassure Americans that McCain was still alive.

Senator McCain promised change during his speech at the Republican National Convention. With his age and Palin’s kids, I believe there’s going to be a lot of change... diapers, in the White House.

Media
CNN host, Wolf Blitzer, called Sarah Palin’s speech at the GOP convention a "Grand Slam." Close friends claimed he felt otherwise, but when he heard Palin advocates the shooting of wolves from planes in Alaska, he didn’t dare criticize her.

Sarah Palin
Political analysts believe that the fact the Sarah Palin admitted that her teen daughter was pregnant after having premarital sex, has paid off for the Republicans. Fortunately, they didn’t go with the other idea someone suggested: to say the daughter was pregnant after seating on a stall at the Minneapolis Airport.

Political analysts predicted Thursday that Republicans would use Sarah Palin to appear more often in front of the media but without talking much. That’s a clear aim at obtaining the male vote. What man wouldn’t like a hot woman that doesn’t talk?

Republicans and Democrats both agree that Sarah Palin as a woman deserves a place in the White House. What neither party dares say is that they agree it should be the kitchen.

Democrats
Reverend Jesse Jackson is being treated at a Chicago hospital after experiencing severe stomach pain. He wasn’t the only one; there were tons of Democrats that experienced the same symptoms after hearing Sara Palin’s speech.

Obama scored $8 million since Palin’s speech from over 130,000 donors. Apparently, they’ve been selling souvenirs with pictures of Sarah Palin.

Jobless claims rose unexpectedly last week, the government said Thursday, mostly because it includes all the McCain’s staffers that were fired for being in charge of Palin’s vetting process.

Weird News
According to Fashion Magazines, Cindy McCain’s outfit at the GOP convention was worth almost $300,000. To be fair, Hillary once had a dress that was worth way more than that, actually, after getting stained.

A UPS driver surpassed one million miles on his UPS delivery truck on Thursday, with the same vehicle he's driven for 22 years with the company. Unfortunately, he hasn’t found yet the house to deliver his first package.

Authorities say an 8-year-old boy was handing out hundreds of dollars in fake $20 bills at an Ocala elementary school. Teachers became suspicious when the kid started throwing $20 bills at them instead of $1 bills while the teachers were stripping.

According to a recent survey, 89% of men say they'd vote for a female presidential candidate. The survey changes significantly if the pollster was a man or an ugly woman.

September 4th 2008

GOP Convention
Sarah Palin addressed the GOP convention Wednesday. Most Republicans had never heard her speak so they welcomed her to the stage with a long applause. And as soon as they heard her high-pitched, squeaky voice, some people wondered why they stopped applauding.

Gov. Palin gave her VP acceptance speech in front of millions of people at the Republican Convention Wednesday, and that was just counting her family members.

During her speech at the GOP convention, Sarah Palin said that she’s not going to Washington to seek the reporters’ good opinions; she is going to Washington to serve people. Very smart choice of words, because if she doesn’t win she can serve the Washington people as a waitress in Hooters.

Ice
A chunk of ice shelf nearly the size of Manhattan has broken away from Ellesmere Island in Canada's northern Arctic. Republicans are hoping it lands in Sarah Palin’s future son-in-law’s crotch.

Sexist
Republicans are saying that every network, with the exception of Fox is being sexist. The Fox Female reporter agreed, then giggled, unbuttoned her blouse, crossed her legs a couple of times and went on reading the news.

Political analysts were surprised to see how fast, organized and harshly Obama’s campaign staffers criticized Sarah Palin. It wasn’t hard though, they had tons and tons of material and just change the name “Hillary Clinton” for “Sarah Palin.”

Barkley
Charles Barkley announced Tuesday he will have a routine colonoscopy and have the procedure videotaped and televised. Apparently, Fox Network was looking for a classy show to launch its new season.

Sleazy
According to current estimates, Spaniards spend about $72 million a day in prostitutes, almost 40 times more than American men do. Hey, Charlie Sheen, you’re a wimp! USA, USA!

According to current estimates American men spend an average of $13.7 million a day in prostitutes. The average is expected to increase dramatically as soon as they include the Democratic and Republican Conventions.

Dating
Michael Jackson has reportedly had two dates with Pamela Anderson. Unfortunately, he had three with Pamela Anderson’s kids...

Michael Jackson went on a couple of dates with Pamela Anderson. Together they have more rubber than Goodyear.

September 3rd 2008

GOP Convention
Sarah Palin did not make an appearance on the second night of the Republican National Convention as it was expected. Apparently, she wanted to double-check if anybody else was pregnant before she wrote the part of the speech where she thanks her family members.

Sarah Palin, who couldn’t attend the second day of the Republican National Convention, requested a copy of Fred Thompson’s speech., not because she finds it fascinating, but rather because she needed something to get the babies to asleep.

According to a survey, more than 70% of Americans got up their couches last night, exercised, and even engaged in conversation with their spouses. Apparently, all cable news and Networks were broadcasting Bush’s speech at the Republican National Convention.

During the Republican National Convention, President Bush complimented Sarah Palin and said she is ready for the vice presidency. Bush is not going to miss the chance to have someone in the White House that makes her two daughters look like Mother Theresa.

Palin
In the two days after McCain announced her as his running mate, the number of Internet searches for Palin passed every other political personality in the last three years. The searches come mostly from McCain’s staffers trying to see what else they didn’t know about her before they decided to make her the VP candidate.

Bristol Palin's boyfriend plans to join the family of the Republican vice presidential candidate at the GOP convention on Wednesday. When he heard the news, Larry Craig immediately offered to welcome him at the Airport personally.

Bristol Palin's boyfriend plans to join the family of the Republican vice presidential candidate at the GOP convention on Wednesday. Palin’s family will be introduced to the Republicans on stage by Jerry Springer.

Sarah Palin did not make an appearance on the second night of the Republican National Convention as it was expected. Apparently, she didn’t know how difficult it was to find a nanny in Minneapolis.

Elephants
According to a recent study, elephants are good at math. Hard to believe it when we had 8 years of Republicans in power and the economy sucks.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey is opening her new season with a show that will include all the US Olympic athletes that won a gold medal in China. Oprah and Gayle are already fighting at home to decide who is going to be the lucky one to smack the beach volleyball women’s behinds.

Divorces
A man in Nigeria was ordered to divorce 82 of his 86 wives. Still three wives short of Larry King’s record.

Cat
A cat survived a 2 1/2-hour trip on a spare tire under her owner's truck. The owner realized his cat was there when the animal started screaming because he was sharing the spare tire with five illegal immigrants.

New Orleans
New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin said that residents should not return to the city until it is repaired from the effects of Hurricane Gustav. It’ll take a while; first we need to repair the city from the effects of Katrina.

Half of New Orleans was without electricity on Tuesday. Those were the lucky ones; the others had to watch Bush’s speech at the GOP convention.

Larry King
John McCain cancelled an appearance with Larry King to show his discontent with CNN. And also because he was embarrassed he was going to look older than Larry King did.

Michael Jackson
Michael Jackson has reportedly had two dates with Pamela Anderson. Unfortunately, he had three with Pamela Anderson’s kids...

September 2nd 2008

Hurricane Gustav
Cable TV has dominated by two major news stories these days: Sarah Palin's daughter's pregnancy and Hurricane Gustav. Some people were confused though, they still don't know if the channels were showing the radar images of the Hurricane or Palin's daughter's ultrasound...

Despite high winds and vulnerable levees, New Orleans escaped Gustav with limited damage. Republicans were still concerned about the water breaking. Nothing to do with the levees, though...

Republican Convention
The fact that New Orleans escaped Hurricane Gustav with limited damage might give President Bush the chance to speak at the GOP convention. That prompted Focus on the Family members to pray for rain again, this time to try to prevent Bush from showing up in Minneapolis.

During her speech at the GOP convention, Laura Bush said that this is a time when we take off our Republican hats and put on our American hats. Delegates were disconcerted for a minute, until they realized that by American hats she meant those made in China.

Palin
According to several websites, Sarah Palin, McCain’s running mate choice, was part of a political group that didn’t want to be part of America. Democrats immediately released a statement saying that Palin was never part of their party.

Official News
Russia's state news agency, RIA Novosti, announced that on Sunday Vladimir Putin saved a camera crew from an escaped Tiger. Official news is ridiculous. It is like some news channel in the US saying we’re not in the middle of an economic recession... oh, wait....

Acne
According to officials in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, many acne sufferers have started using lubricant from condoms to get rid of their zits. The news immediately killed down the rumors that Larry Craig’s new youngest look was due to botox.

Oil
Oil prices tumbled to below $111 a barrel Monday. Economist believe the price might go up again as soon as speculators find out that the drilling going on in Alaska is not on the surface of the state but in Sarah Palin’s family.

September 1st 2008

Republican Convention
The Republican National convention started Monday just right after it was known that Sarah Palin’s daughter is pregnant. It changed things a bit. You can hear some Republicans chanting "Four More Babies, Four More Babies."

McCain’s campaign released a statement saying that the news that Sarah Palin’s is pregnant knocked down some rumors lefty bloggers were spreading on the web. Apparently the statement knocked down the rumors but knocked up Palin’s daughter.

The GOP convention started Monday. It is not a coincidence they chose labor day to kick off the convention. With all the news about babies it is probably in honor of Sara Palin’s and her family.

The GOP convention started this Monday in Minneapolis. As part of the convention organizers are planning to show a short movie about Sarah Palin’s and her family. The movie is called "Juno II."

Weird News....
A man who was stabbed twice during a fight in a park in Utah, paid his assailant $30 to stop knifing him, police wrote. Apparently the inflation is even getting to criminals activities, not long ago stabs were $10 bucks each.

Police in Ocala, Florida, say a father has been charged with lewd and lascivious battery after arranging sexual intercourse for his 15-year-old son. Apparently the father dropped his son at school to take private lessons with the kid’s high school teacher.