August 31st 2008

Labor Day
This Labor Day looks like any other day, tons of TV ads with mega offers that require no payments, no interests, with sales guys wearing weird suits, offering me the world for almost no money, and... oh, never mind, it is the GOP convention.

Many of the old Republicans are said to be quite mad with McCain’s choice for running mate, a former beauty pageant contestant with almost no experience. Some Republicans are going to be quite vocal during the GOP convention, especially Larry Craig who wants to be the only queen of the party.

According to several surveys, the high price of gas is keeping more people home over Labor Day weekend, especially some Republicans that don’t want to be seen in the GOP convention.

Republicans are kicking off their convention on Labor Day which announces the beginning of Fall.
Even though many may argue that the Fall has started 8 years ago.

Organizers of the GOP convention are now saying that due to Hurricane Gustav, John McCain might give his acceptance speech from the disaster area. It is still unclear if by disaster area they mean the Republican Convention in Minneapolis or New Orleans.

Palin
Political analysts believe that John McCain’s running mate choice was a clear fashion statement: Pal-in, Dark out....

Senator John McCain caught everybody by surprise when on the day of his 72nd birthday he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. McCain was right. Who would you rather see getting out of your giant birthday cake? A hot, former beauty queen contestant or Tom Pawlenty?

Sarah Palin, McCain’s choice for vice president, is a mother of five. Just picture old McCain going crazy in the White House, screaming to the kids: "Get off my White House lawn, kids!"

Sarah Palin, McCain’s choice for vice president, was Miss Alaska runner up in 1984. That gives everybody a clear idea of what her foreign policy vision will be: World peace...

Political analysts give Sarah Palin no chances in a debate against Joe Biden due to her lack of experience in foreign affairs. That could be true, but wait until we get to the swimsuit portion of the event.

Sarah Palin, McCain’s running mate, has been repeatedly saying that with her candidacy, women can "shatter that glass ceiling once and for all". Political analysts started to believe her, after hearing her high-pitched voice, she definitely has the potential to crack that glass.

August 29th 2008

Friday Leftovers! Please send me an e-mail if you have any comments, ideas, suggestions, offeres, whatever. I love e-mails. pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend, but come back because I might be writing more stuff this weekend.... Thanks. Pedro

McCain
Senator John McCain is said to announce his running mate today. Most of the media believes there’s a short list, it could be Pawlenty, Mashed Potatoes or Cole Slaw.

According to the Dayton Daily News, Sen. John McCain was having trouble filling a 10,000 seat arena for a Friday rally where he would unveil his running mate. Then he picked up the phone and called every person that takes care of his houses and problem solved.

According to the Dayton Daily News, Sen. John McCain was having trouble filling a 10,000 seat arena for a Friday rally where he would unveil his running mate. Until he spread the rumor his VP was Obama.

Today is John McCain’s birthday. It is like any other day for the senator, because he forgot it is his birthday.

According to a group called The Center For Public Integrity, possible VP candidate, Mitt Romney, owns at least 51 houses. Apparently one for every wife he’s got.

According to a group called The Center For Public Integrity, possible VP candidate, Mitt Romney, owns at least 51 houses. Even McCain called him rich.

Obama
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, played basketball on the day of his final speech. Unfortunately the game was quickly interrupted when Jessie Jackson showed up and asked Obama to pass the balls.

Clinton
Hillary and Bill Clinton got stuck in a elevator shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained, especially Bill who has never been together with Hillary for more than a minute.

GOP
Republican officials said yesterday that they are considering delaying the start of the GOP convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul because of the Hurricane Gustav. The GOP is afraid FEMA might not arrive in time to save the Republican Party.

Republican officials said yesterday that they are considering delaying the start of the GOP convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul because of Gustav. When Bush heard the news, he called McCain and told him to offer Gustav anything he wants to accept the VP position.

Ellen
Ellen DeGeneres says that she and Portia de Rossi talk about having kids... so they can both hit on a future nanny.

August 28th 2008

Democratic National Convention
Political analysts believe that Hillary's and Bill’s speeches have united the Democratic party and now Democrats are ready for success. Not so quickly, the airline has been UNITED for a long time and they still suck.

Both Clintons proved they were capable of uniting the Democratic party. They were so effective, they got a phone call from MSNBC to see if the can write a speech to unite their hosts.

According to a new survey, a majority of Americans think women are smarter, more honest, creative, decisive, compassionate and outgoing. Unfortunately, the survey is not to be trusted; most Democrats and Republicans are likely to lie about women to try to get Hillary’s supporters’ votes.

You got to give it to Republicans, now they are saying that they don’t use dirty or smear tactics against Obama and that they don’t approve of any violence against the candidate, not because they care about him; they don’t want to give Obama the satisfaction of getting the 72 virgins.

Republicans were outraged when the Networks showed the limousine with Obama arriving at the convention to close the event last night. Apparently, they couldn’t believe Obama was not the one driving it.

Phelps
Michael Phelps will appear on the season debut of "Saturday Night Live." Apparently, they are looking for a good swimmer to save a show that is drowning.

Enzyte
The founder of Enzyte was convicted of defrauding customers seeking male sexual enhancement products. He’s just praying his cellmates were some of the buyers of Enzyte.

The founder of Enzyte was convicted of defrauding customers seeking male sexual enhancement products. Ironically, he will end up becoming the product himself and provide sexual enhancement performance to all his cellmates.

Book
Dave Freeman, the author of the book "100 Things to Do Before You Die," has died at the young age of 49. Apparently, among the 100 things to do before you die he didn’t include a visit to the doctor.

Babies
A new Canadian study shows why 'daddy' and 'mommy' are the only first words new-born babies understand. Apparently, babies are not into gay marriage.

Gustav
Tropical Storm Gustav is headed straight for New Orleans. This time people are ready to evacuate the area as soon as possible, not so much for fear of the storm, but in case FEMA arrives in time.

I like turtles.....
Two Indiana eighth-graders discovered a two-headed turtle. Actually, there were two turtles sharing one shell. Apparently, one the turtles lost its shell due to foreclosure.

Powerful
"Forbes" released a list of the 100 Most Powerful Women in the World and Condoleeza Rice is number 7. She is also number 22 in the 100 Most Powerful Men list.

Bush
President Bush and Dick Cheney are expected to speak on the first day of the Republican National Convention. Organizers are concerned, it is going to be hard to find seat warmers willing to endure those speeches.

August 27th 2008

Hey everybody, I'm featured in Newsday! Thanks to Mr Rasak and the people at Newsday for considering one of my jokes. It's always an honor. Here's the link, check it out...
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5817596aug27,0,1740704.story

Democratic National Convention
Political analysts said that Hillary Clinton’s speech at the Democratic National Convention successfully united her supporters with Obama’s. No word yet if she’s working on a speech to unite her marriage.

During the National Democratic Convention, attendees chanted repeatedly "only 4 months". It is a very safe slogan, only 4 months until Bush is gone, or even if Democrats lose, only 4 months of McCain’s presidency until he’s gone too.

Rudy Giuliani arrived in Denver on Tuesday. He was hard to find, apparently he was in drag disguised as a disgruntle Hillary supporter giving interviews to Fox News.

Trojan is giving away free condoms at the Democratic National Convention. "Why didn’t you give away those at the primaries" said John Edwards?

Trojan is giving away free condoms at the Democratic National Convention. It makes sense because it seems Democrats have been screwing each other since the convention started.

On Tuesday, some of the speeches at the Democratic National Convention were about the economy. Most of the orators ensured America that on the day one of the Obama’s presidency, unemployment will decrease to the lowest level ever. Apparently with all the crazy lunatics that want to kill Obama, he’ll need to hire millions of people to protect him.

McCain
A widely watched index released Tuesday showed home prices dropping by the sharpest rate ever in the second quarter. Which is good news for McCain and Cindy because they wanted to go house shopping this weekend to get houses to match the shoes she bought last week.

Baseball
A nine-year-old little leaguer in Connecticut has been told that he's too good to pitch in the Youth Baseball League. He was also told he was too good to pitch against the Mariners’ hitters.

Movie
Warner Brothers is working on a new "Superman" movie. The plot is a little different, this time Clark Kent doesn’t need to get into his outfit, he’s just superman because he can survive with a reporter’s salary.

Mexico
Mexico's president met with 32 of its governors to create a plan to combat rising crime. The plan: they will stop stealing from the Mexican people for a while.

August 26th 2008

Storm
Tropical Storm Julio drenched the central section of Mexico's Baja California peninsula on Monday. This is not the first time Julio caused devastation in the area; Julio is known for causing destruction, wreckage and divorces. I mean Don Julio, the tequila.

Democratic National Convention
The environmentally friendly wood key cards the Sheraton Hotel handed its guests in Denver didn’t work and they were forced to switch back to plastic. The Hotel manager was going to suggest to leave the doors unlocked but then he realize with so many politicians in the area, criminal activities increase.

The environmentally friendly wood key cards the Sheraton Hotel handed its guests in Denver didn’t work and they were forced to switch back to plastic. Everybody knew this was not going to work; the only door wood opens is Larry Craig’s.

According to the "New York Times," China sentenced two elderly women to hard labor for requesting permission to protest at the Olympics. Apparently, as a punishment they solely had to make all the American flags and hats used in the Democratic and Republican conventions.

The media reported Obama’s VP pick, Joe Biden, before he could email and text message the name to his fans. Obama wasn’t mad, because his biggest fan IS the media.

MSNBC lost the audio feed of the Democratic National Convention just when Nanci Pelosi started her speech. The TV crew realized there was something wrong, especially when Pelosi started to make sense.

McCain
Political analysts believe that Mitt Romney’s chances to become McCain’s running mate have decreased after the Democrats planned to make wealth a campaign issue. McCain might be force to look for an Independent or even a Democrat for his VP, because it is almost impossible to find someone that is not rich inside the Republican party.

The International Olympic Committee said Monday they found no evidence that the Chinese gymnasts were underaged because Chinese Officials handed proper passports and the correct birth certificates. Apparently, China had hired good people to make fake ID’s, probably the same ones McCain hired to say that he’s only 72.

Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani set up shop in Denver during the Democratic National Convention. Apparently, they’re trying to sell some of their houses to the people there to increase their chances of becoming McCain’s running mates.

It was reported this week that senator McCain has a lot of money left to run his presidential campaign. It is not that he is raising more than Obama, the difference is that he doesn’t spend much. How much could it cost to find tapes of Democrats trashing Obama?

According to Fox News, senator John McCain might announce his running mate choice earlier than expected. Apparently, he decided not to do it on his birthday because he was afraid there was not going to be enough time to blow all the candles of the cake and make the announcement on the same day.

August 25th 2008

Olympics
After it was known that Michael Phelps consumes 12,000 calories, several companies approached the gold medallist to sponsor their products: Kellogg’s, McDonalds and Crane, the toilet maker company.

A man from Argentina shot himself six times to commit suicide and it didn’t work. Apparently the reason the man was so depressed and wanted to commit suicide was because he couldn’t win an Olympic medal in the shooting competition.

During the men’s 4 X 100-meter relay, the athlete Gay dropped the baton and the US team couldn’t get a medal. Apparently Gay got distracted with the other athletes’ batons.

Democratic National Convention
The Democratic National Convention started Monday. The stadium is filled with well known politicians and celebrities. The only other place where you can find such a conglomeration of famous celebrities and politicians is in rehab.

Security is expected to be pretty tight at the Democratic National Convention, almost as tight as in any airport. The difference is that at the airport you don’t want to be in line behind someone that looks Muslim, at the convention, you don’t want to be in line behind someone that looks like an angry white, female, like a Hillary supporter.

The Democratic National Convention will have an Oscar vibe when Hollywood celebrities and Al Gore, and Oscar winner show up at the event. Not only that, apparently if Hillary or Bill go off track with the message of their speeches, organizers will shut their mics, play the out cue music and kick them out of stage.

Barack Obama has been preparing himself for his speech at the Democratic National Convention. Hours and hours to memorize the lines, and that is only to enumerate John McCain’s possessions.

I don’t want to say Democrats are divided but when it was known the convention was going to be held at the Pepsi Convention center in Denver, Hillary’s supporters immediately said they’d prefer coke.

Hillary Clinton will be speaking on Wednesday at the Democratic National Convention. Mrs Clinton negotiated the right to show a short film about her life that will air prior to her speech. Apparently the film is called : Sisterhood of the travelling pants II

Sen. Edward Kennedy could make an unscheduled appearance at this week's Democratic convention if his physicians give him the go-ahead, his son says. It’ll be very short, as soon as Kennedy finds out no booze is allowed inside the venue , he’ll probably leave.

Hillary Clinton will Speak Tuesday at the Democratic National Convention. Her fans are expected to go wild when she shows up, especially when they see her surprise outfit, those wetsuit like the ones Michael Phelps wore at the Olympics.

Al Gore will be present at the Democratic National Convention. He’s going to be talking on Thursday and working as a room divider between Hillary and Obama’s fan for the rest of the convention.

Political analysts believe there’s some animosity between organizers of the Democratic National Convention and the Clintons for not throwing their full support to the Obama’s campaign. The hostility is clear, apparently both Hillary and Bill were given only one room with a king a bed at the hotel in Denver.

Deportation
Federal officials say a self deportation program didn't work so it is being shut down. Even when they are kicking Latinos out of the country, Americans want Latinos to do their job.

Biden
Barack Obama chose Joe Biden as his running mate. It is not a coincidence that Obama chose someone like Biden that back in the days used to be a lifeguard, Obama knows that after the Olympics anything that has to do with swimming will give you the Michael Phelp’s bump.

The Democrats announced their presidential ticket this weekend, it's :Obama-Biden. Or as Fox News is calling it, Osama-Laden.

Cockroaches
The 15th "Roach Derby" at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been won by a giant cockroach representing candidate John McCain. Cockroaches wanted McCain to win, they know that if he starts a nuclear war against Russia, cockroaches are the only ones that will survive.

The 15th "Roach Derby" at Rutgers University in New Jersey has been won by a giant cockroach representing candidate John McCain. It wasn’t fair, with all the houses McCain owns he has a better talent pool.

August 22nd 2008

Friday Leftovers. Please e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com with comments, ideas, suggestions, e-mails are always welcome.
You all have a nice weekend

McCain
Threatening letters containing an unidentified powder were sent to John McCain campaign offices in Colorado and New Hampshire on Thursday, officials said. The letters read: "You’ d better take this Metamucil or you won’t poop ever again" signed: Your Doctor.

MTV is starting a new season of the show Cribs, they are already booked for two years and that is only with McCain’s houses.

McCain said Thursday that money is not everything and that he knows billionaires that are not happy. Just like his wife, Cindy, every time she has to change his diapers.

Obama
According to Vanity Fair, Barack Obama has a half-brother that lives in a shack in Kenya. Apparently he is renting that shack from John McCain.

According to Vanity Fair, Barack Obama has a half-brother that lives in a shanty town in Kenya. Apparently he doesn’t want Obama to win in the next elections, nothing personal, but he and the rest of the town are expecting to get all the useless T-shirts that say Obama President.

Friday jokes
Scientists claim that dogs are becoming more intelligent and are even learning morals from human contact. To what Bush’s dog responded: Huh?

Charles Barkley is having a Colonoscopy. I don’t want to say he’s fat but apparently instead of a camera, doctors are putting an entire Network inside his ass.

Microsoft has tapped Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista . Jerry is the right person for that because Vista crashes as often as he crashes his cars.

A recent study found that there are more than a million of Americans that eat while sleepwalking. Hey, at least they exercise while they eat, unlike the rest of the country.

August 21st 2008

Cameras
More and more security cameras are being installed everywhere in the country, elevators, stores even on the streets. We finally know why Americans are so fat; each camera adds 10 Lbs.

On Tuesday, police officers in Nashville started carrying tasers that have cameras and microphones built into the grip. Apparently, they don’t want anybody to beat them into putting the video of the tasered guy in Youtube.

Convention
Organizers of the Democratic National convention said yesterday that pot smokers who light up during the Convention would be prosecuted. Apparently, when organizers found out Al Gore was a speaker they realized they could not afford enough food for Gore and 70,000 people with munchies.

Ricky Martin
Ricky Martin is the father of twin sons who were born via a surrogate mother. He did it just in time before editors cancelled "Playgirl…"

Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton turned 62 on Tuesday. The former president had a big cake, blew the candles and immediately checked on Hillary only to find out that his wish had not come true.

Minorities
A new study found that minority students are more likely to receive corporal punishment in school. In other news Lou Dobbs, Imus and Michael Richards are all taking classes to become teachers.

Olympics
Officials from the International Table Tennis Federation are urging female players to sex up their uniforms to increase attention to the sport. Apparently, that was just the opposite of what shot put female athletes were told to get more people to watch that sport.

Soccer
Producers are developing a musical about David Beckham. And if you ever thought soccer was gay, well, now you know it....

Borgnine
Actor and funny man Ernest Borgnine told reporters that his secret for longevity is pleasuring himself frequently. What explains Cindy McCain’s hand injury…

August 20th 2008

Big Foot
The Bigfoot that was discovered in Georgia was just a hoax, a Web posting asserted Tuesday. The creature turned out to be a hairy thing made of rubber: Joan Rivers…

McCain
It was reported Monday that John McCain might announce his VP candidate on August 29, the day of his birthday. Apparently, McCain doesn’t want to discard anybody before his birthday; why ruin the chance to get more and better birthday’s presents?

John McCain is criticizing NBC news for giving Barack Obama more-favorable press coverage. Then he realized that the tall guy NBC loves so much was Michael Phelps.

John McCain and his traveling aide flew in a helicopter to an oilrig off the coast of New Orleans in the Gulf of Mexico that produces more than 10,000 barrels of oil per day, exactly the amount they needed to power the helicopter ride to get there.

Tropic Thunder
Tropic Thunder is the number 1 movie at the box office. Everybody talks about Robert Downey Jr.’s performance as a white man that undergoes surgery to become black. I guess when he wins the Oscar, he’ll have to thank those who inspired him in that role, like Condoleezza Rice.

Olympics
A British statistician found that athletes born in certain months were more likely to thrive in particular events. Like if you were born months before the Olympics started, you could have won a gold medal with the Chinese Gymnasts team.

Officials from the International Table Tennis Federation are urging female players to sex up their uniforms to increase attention to the sport. Unfortunately, I cannot write their suggestion for the serve, but you probably saw it in some adult movies.

Phil Collins
Phil Collins is paying his third wife $50 million after a marriage that only lasted 6 years. Apparently, he agreed to pay so much when she threatened him she was going to "sue sue sue him..."

Convention
The city's visitors' bureau in Denver said Tuesday that the Democratic convention is expected to bring in an estimated $160 million, and that is just in hush money.

A Hair salon in Denver is offering free haircuts to homeless people to help them boost their self-esteem and get ready for the Democratic National Convention. Among those homeless who needed a haircut, John Edwards…

Drinking
College presidents from about 100 of the nation's best-known universities are calling on lawmakers to consider lowering the drinking age from 21 to 18. Apparently, they all agreed that drunk is the only way teens will find the presidential candidates appealing.

PartyDuring an interview in NPR, Democratic Party chair Howard Dean referred to the GOP as the "white party." Republicans calmed down when Dean explained that by White Party he meant cocaine.

August 19th 2008

Running Mates
It was reported Monday that John McCain might announce his VP candidate on August 29th, the day of his birthday. Apparently, the senator needs someone younger to help him blow the candles of the cake.

It was reported Monday that Barack Obama will be announcing pretty soon via text message his choice for a running-mate. If you don’t have a cell phone, don’t worry you’ll be able to find out immediately when Obama makes his choice by hearing Hillary’s screams.

Phil Collins
Phil Collins is paying his third wife $50 million to go away, almost the same amount of money Paul McCartney paid Heather Mills on his divorce not long ago. It is official now; marriage surpassed online music sharing as the number one cause for the collapse of the music industry.

Whale
Australian media say a lost humpback whale calf has bonded with a yacht it seems to think is its mother. Marine Biologists explained later it wasn’t the yacht the whale calf mistook for its mom, it was Rossie O’ Donnel, who happened to be on board.

Olympics
Olympics athletes, especially those who won medals, are going to make quite a lot of money in future endorsements. Michael Phelps is in talks with several cereal companies, the US female beach volleyball team in talks with sport apparel and the Chinese Gymnasts with Pampers diapers.

Bush
President Bush left on vacation Friday even though Russia and Georgia are still in the middle of a serious conflict. Apparently, this time Bush wants every thing to work out fast.

Georgia
The BBC has recently aired a TV report, in which you can see Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili eating his tie. Apparently, he wanted to leave no evidence of his ties with Dick Cheney.

Turtles
About 60 newly hatched sea turtles lost their way during their ritual passage to the sea and marched into an Italian restaurant instead, a conservation worker said on Monday. The good news is that they were able to return to the water, the bad news is they did it as excrement.

August 18th 2008

Obama
CNN Thursday showed pictures of a shirtless Obama during his vacation in Hawaii. McCain was furious because not only does it look Obama is going to beat him in the next elections, but also with the man boobs Obama spotted in those pictures, he is likely to beat Cindy McCain in the Buffalo Chip beauty contest as well.

CNN Thursday showed pictures of a shirtless Obama during his vacation in Hawaii. Apparently, Obama told the photographer to tell Republicans that he was ready to protect the country and then he flexed and said "With these guns!"

Pictures of the presidential candidate Barack Obama body surfing in Hawaii are being shown around the world since Friday. It was a calculated move from Obama, he knew that a picture of him swimming would hype his half-white side and help him in the polls.

McCain
McCain and Obama appeared briefly onstage together and shook hands during a faith forum at a California megachurch. I think McCain is exaggerating with the idea that “Obama is a celebrity” thing, especially when he asked Barack to sign his rack.

Russia
Russian media is saying that the conflict in South Ossetia was part of a plot by Dick Cheney to stop Barack Obama from being elected president. Cheney immediately denied those rumors and said the conflict wasn’t to stop Obama; it is just that the doctor told him that as a prescription he should start a war every 5 years to keep his heart going.

Ellen
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi got married on Saturday. Apparently, the similarity between a middle aged man and middle aged lesbian is clear, a man would get a Porshe, a lesbian a Portia…

Democrats
Security is going to be pretty tight at Mile High Stadium in Denver where the Democratic National convention will take place. No alcohol, food, or any kind of weapons will be permitted; that’s just for Hillary, the rest of the crowd can bring anything they want.

Republicans
Rep. Bill Sali (R-ID), said that the best way to bring down gas prices would be extracting oil from trees because forty percent of the mass of every tree in the forest is crude oil. "That’s not true," said Woody Woodpecker in a written statement sent from his Mansion in the Hamptons.

Olympics
The US synchronized diving team couldn’t collect a medal. Maybe we should have brought our best synchronized diving team: Bush and Congress; nobody goes down faster at the same time.

The media is surprised by the poor sales of tickets in China, with events in which stadiums are half-empty. Well if you were forced to work 23 hours a day you’d want to use the other hour to sleep.

President Bush called Michael Phelps after his record breaking Olympics. Bush didn’t call to congratulate him, he just wanted to know if he could get any of the phone numbers of the Beach Volleyball Team’s chicks.

The Olympics were a success for NBC. The most popular competition is track & field with the 100 meters race, and the 400 meters race. Still the only race nobody cares about is the presidential race.

Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart’s hourly employees complained Friday that managers of the company told them that they should vote for McCain. Employees thought it was outrageous; years of working for the company and the owners still don’t know illegals can’t vote!

Septuplets
A 27-year-old Egyptian woman gave birth to septuplets in the coastal city of Alexandria, family members and the hospital director said. By the time the seventh baby was out, the first one had grown a moustache and had started dating.

August 15th 2008

Gymnasts
Gary Glitter will be released from prison in Vietnam in the next few days. Finally an expert that can tell us how old the Chinese Gymnasts are!

The Chinese government insists on saying that the gymnastic team is all made of 16-year-old girls despite complaints that say they look way younger. Just in case the Government is right, tons of Hollywood celebrities are booking trips to China to try to get their hands on whatever these little girls eat to stay young.

Just nine months before the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese government’s news agency, reported that one of the gymnast competing in the Olympics was 13, which would have made her ineligible to be on the team that won a gold medal. The Chinese government immediately released a statement saying that 9 months are more than 3 years in “gymnast” years.

China said Tuesday it distributed one hundred thousand condoms to the athletes in Beijing. And that was just to the U.S. basketball team.

Obama
A new book about Barack Obama called "The Obama Nation" is at the top of the best sellers list. The book is full of lies and inaccuracies about the candidate. Shouldn’t it be called “The ABOMI Nation" instead?

A book about Barack Obama which people say is just a compilation of all the innuendo and false rumors against Obama is out. In the last chapter the book discusses how Obama switches his little daughters for cuter ones when his poses for the cameras.

A new book about Barack Obama called "The Obama Nation" is at the top of the best sellers list. You can catch the video version of the book by watching Fox News at any time of the day.

Barack Obama revealed he gives his daughters a weekly allowance of one dollar. Actually, it's five dollars, but he keeps four dollars in taxes.

Madonna
Madonna will be turning 50 years old on Saturday. She is really happy to finally be able to get the senior discount every time she goes to see A-Rod play.

Old
A recent survey from the University of Chicago found that three in four men between the ages of 75 and 85 are still having the sex. The other one is still married.

Soldiers
Soldiers in Iraq have donated more to Barack Obama's campaign than to John McCain's. A clear sign that soldiers want to get the heck out of there as soon as possible.

Condoms
A company is working on a new Anti-Rape condom. They expect to sell millions, because lately who doesn’t feel raped by the Bush administration?

August 14th 2008

Michael Phelps
Ratings for the Olympic Games are through the roof. NBC is so happy, they are thinking of replacing both Conan and Leno with a 2-hour 'Michael Phelps Show.'

Michael Phelps revealed yesterday that what he does all day is eat 12,000 calories a day, sleep and swim. Just like his namesake Michael Moore, but with the swimming.

Michael Phelps revealed yesterday that he eats 12,000 calories a day or the equivalent of a breakfast burrito.

China
Chinese officials say that weather's to blame for poor Olympic attendance. I blame the fact that tourists cannot watch porn due to internet censorship.

Russia
Russia declared a cease -of fire in Georgia and said they are ready to leave the country. Things don’t look good for Georgia though, because after the cease-of fire agreement Putin also said "Mission Accomplished…"

Cuba
Former Cuban president Fidel Castro celebrated his 82nd birthday on Wednesday. Unfortunately, it was hard to see during the celebrations because all the candles Cuba uses to light up the country ended up on Castros’ cake.

McCain
Cindy McCain checked into a Detroit-area hospital after complaining of pain in her hand. The doctor advised her to shake and not to slap her husband every time he falls asleep during a speech or says something stupid like getting his wife to compete in a topples pageant.

White
According to the Census Bureau, White people will no longer make up a majority of Americans by 2042. I don’t want to say John Edwards is an opportunist, but in a new statement he now says he cheated on his wife to save the White race.

Old
A recent survey from the University of Chicago revealed that an increasing number of Americans aged 75-85 are still interested in sex. Eeew I don’t want to think of my presidential candidate having sex.

Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh said during one of his radio shows that Edwards was like Bill Clinton because he likes women that use their mouths for something else than talking. If that’s true, Edwards likes women who use their mouths to eat a lot.

Gas
Members of the "Prayer at the Pump" movement took credit Wednesday for the reduction in price of gas claming that God has heard their prayers. Actually, the reason the price of gas went down is that God just got a great deal on a new Hummer.

Market
In what might be considered a new low for the housing market, a home in Detroit, Mich. sold for $1, and the dollar was just for the earplugs to muffle the gunshots.

Bigfoot
Two Bigfoot hunters claim they have the body of bigfoot and plan to release a photo and what they claim is DNA evidence at a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday. You’ll notice who was in charge of obtaining the DNA evidence right away by the cuts and scratches all over his body.

Mexico
Authorities report that kidnappings of Americans are skyrocketing in Mexico. People are quite skeptical though, because the phone calls for ransom are from people with excellent English asking their wives for money.

August 13th 2008

Bottles
Oregon State Police are reporting a large number of bottles filled with urine along parts of Interstate 84. Apparently, they got lost from the shipment that was going straight to China to help some Athletes pass the drug test.

Chinese Girl
A 7 year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synched "Ode to the Motherland" for her. Americans were appalled China would do something like that to that poor little girl, because she could have had plastic surgery and even boobs implants.

China admitted that in its Olympics opening ceremony they used a girl who they thought was cuter than their original singer. Apparently, the original singer didn’t pass the Woody Allen test.

Invisible
Scientists say that they are close to making an invisibility cloak. They have been trying it on McCain every time there are reporters around.

Obama
Barack Obama revealed he gives his daughters a weekly allowance of one dollar. Actually, it's five dollars, but he keeps four dollars in taxes.

Barack Obama is going to alert his followers of his VP decision via text message. If you’d like to receive a text message alert when Obama makes his decision you can text VP to 1-800-SCREWHILLARY.

Barack Obama is taking a week-vacation in Hawaii. Ironically, the one getting punished for getting laid is John Edwards…

GOP
According to GOP insiders, there are going to be many absences at the upcoming GOP Convention. Unlike in Denver, where Democrats will gather, you can still find plenty of availability in Hotels and Airport bathrooms in Minneapolis where Republicans will meet.

Russia
The Kremlin ordered a halt Tuesday to Russia's devastating assault on Georgia, five days of air and ground attacks that left homes in smoldering ruins. Puttin said he’s willing to help with the reconstruction and sent executives of a company called Halliburtrosky

Running
A study published on Monday says that those who run live longer, especially if you run away from a jealous wife.

August 12th 2008

Bush
During an interview with Bob Costas in China, President Bush said that the US has not problems. He might have a point; the biggest US problem is in China, visiting the Olympic Games.

McCain
A Wikipedia editor said Monday that John McCain used exactly the same words Wikipedia wrote when giving a speech about the country of Georgia. It is hard to tell; McCain has been inaccurate in most of his speeches before.

Three
Actor Bernie Mac and singer Isaac Hayes have passed away in the last couple of days. If deaths come in threes as we all say, I bet you Hillary is crossing her fingers and we all know wishing who for...

Georgia
President Bush said Monday that Russia’s intentions are not clear for attacking Georgia, unlike HIS intentions for attacking Iraq… It was oil from the very beginning.

People from Georgia that reside in the U.S. are complaining that the U.S. media is not covering the war in Georgia and instead has spent hours talking about the Edwards’ affair. Georgia people have a plan; now they are saying Russia attacked Georgia because Georgia cheated on Russia with Ukraine.

Obama
According to Obama's campaign, the candidate is going to alert his supporters about his vice presidential decision by text message. They can reach millions of people at a time with the speed of Kwame Kilpatrick’s thumbs.

Wedding
Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who is rumored to be gay, has set a date for his wedding. People suspect it is a fixed wedding to increase his chances of being chosen McCain’s VP, especially because the couple is registered in the same places than Star Jones, Liza Minelli, and Renee Zellweger were.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who is rumored to be gay, has set a date for his wedding. The couple is registered in Bed, Bath and Beyond Belief.

Media
I don’t want to say the media is obsessed with the Olympics but yesterday they spent hours saying that Edwards is on his way to break Bill Clinton’s record.

Book
Wal-Mart has stopped selling a comic book considered insensitive to black people. When did Imus write a book?

Masseuse
Mercedes Clemens, a certified masseuse in Maryland, claims the state of Maryland is keeping her from her first love: massaging horses… a clear case of discrimination against Sarah Jessica Parker.

Rain
A Focus on the Family Action member, is asking people to join him in a prayer for "biblical" rain on the day Senator Barack Obama gives his acceptance speech at the Democratic national convention. These Republicans keep flip-flopping on Obama. First they said he was Moses, now it's Noah. (Thanks Pat...)

August 11th 2008

Edwards
The National Enquirer, a supermarket tabloid with really bad reputation, got a lot of new respect after it published several articles about John Edwards having a baby with a mistress. I think the Enquirer got cocky; now they are saying the baby is the infamous bat boy.

Some reporters believe that John Edwards’ admitting his extramarital affair on Friday, the inaugural day of the Olympics, was a calculated move because people will forget by Monday. Edwards’ staffers went a little overboard; they didn’t need the war in Georgia.

John Edwards admitted Friday he had had an affair with a woman but said he’s not the woman’s baby’s father and would be willing to take a paternity test to prove it. Find out more next week in a special edition of the Maury Povich show.

Bjarne Hermansson of Finland is the new Sauna World Championship as she endured the heat of a sauna for 18:15 minutes. Still she didn’t sweat as much as John Edwards when he saw the cover of the National Enquirer.

Obama
In a new commercial, Obama says that big oil companies have donated almost $2 million in contributions to the McCain campaign. McCain claims now that he’s returned the money back, every time he fills the tank of his tour bus.

Cheney
The White House says Vice President Dick Cheney will speak at next month's Republican National Convention. The heart might suffer, not his, the heart of every McCain’s fan that wants the senator to hold any chances in the upcoming elections.

President Bush and Vice president Dick Cheney will speak on the same day at the National Republican Convention. In fact, they will both be speaking at the same time and Bush will sit on Cheney’s lap.

Beef
Whole Foods Market is recalling fresh ground beef, because of worries over E. coli bacteria contamination. The company now needs to determine if it was the horse or the rat meat that were contaminated.

Iraq
Iraq could end up with a surplus of $79 billion. Maybe it is time we get liberated too


Drummers
88 drummers in LA and New York gathered on Friday to play in each city to mark the eighth day of the eighth month of 2008 as a way to attract luck. Unfortunately the ones that were not lucky were those in LA and New York who ordered pizzas that day because there was nobody to deliver them.

August 8th 2008

Friday leftovers! If you want to send me comments, ideas, or suggestions please e-mail me at ..
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
Have a nice weekend...

Straight Talk Express
John McCain's bus, the Straight Talk Express, was photographed sporting an Obama bumper sticker. McCain’s staffers didn’t notice it, though; they all thought it was a Jesus fish.

John McCain's bus, the Straight Talk Express, was photographed sporting an Obama bumper sticker. McCain’s staffers suspected something was different when people started cheering, waving and honking at the bus.

John McCain's bus, the Straight Talk Express, was photographed sporting an Obama bumper sticker. How little do reporters care about McCain that the only way they would photograph the bus is because of an Obama’s bumper sticker?

John McCain's bus, the Straight Talk Express, was photographed sporting an Obama bumper sticker at the back of the bus. You would think that after Rosa Parks they would let the sticker go to the front of the bus.

Bush
Iranians have suspended the practice of stoning people to death. President Bush was happy because we shouldn’t waste so much pot.

Obama
A recent poll said half of Americans are tired of hearing about Barack Obama. The other half are tired of hearing about Osama, but just because reporters mistake the name for Obama.

Internet
Due to his latest web ads, McCain took the lead on YouTube hits this week. I don't want to say the senator got obsessed with the number of hits, but in the next commercial he's expected to feature the Numa Numa Guy, Chocolate Rain guy and the prairie dog.

Bus
The driver of a minivan lost control of the car and slammed into the John McCain campaign bus Thursday in Miami. The McCain bus tried to avoid the crash but it couldn’t turn left.

The driver of a minivan lost control of the car and slammed into the John McCain campaign bus Thursday in Miami. McCain’s staffers didn’t even notice it; they have been crashing with this campaign since they started.

Votes
Economists have figured out that Oprah controls just over a million U.S. votes... to what Ralph Nader said: “I wonder what that would be like?”

Driver
Osama Bin Laden's driver was sentenced to 66 months in prison but could be out on parole in 6 months. Some people thought they were too lenient with him, until they found out that as a part of the sentence he’ll be forced to drive only a Ford.

ER
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced that the average amount of time a patient waits in an emergency room before seeing a doctor is 56 minutes, which is up from 38 minutes ten years ago. Well, if the doctors are like the ones in Greys Anatomy, they probably spend most of their time having sex with each other.

Kilpatrick
A federal judge ordered Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to jail Thursday. How ironic; all his life looking for enough bars on his cell phone to text his mistresses and now he’s behind bars...

August 7th 2008

Hillary
Sen. Hillary Clinton told a gathering of supporters last week that she did not rule out the possibility of having her name placed into nomination at the convention. Rumors are Democrats have traded Hillary to the republicans for a 4th round draft pick

Hillary Clinton told a gathering of supporters last week that she did not rule out the possibility of having her name placed into nomination at the convention alongside Barack Obama's. Convention organizers are planning to give Hillary the mic to sing the national anthem on the opening day, so after the fat lady sings, Obama can clinch the nomination.

Sen. Hillary Clinton told a gathering of supporters last week that she did not rule out the possibility of having her name placed into nomination at the convention alongside Sen. Barack Obama's. She’s trying to get media attention to promote her upcoming movie: “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits.”

Father
An indigenous New Zealand reptile regarded as one of the last remnants of the age of dinosaurs will become a father for the first time in decades at the age of 111, officials said Wednesday. As soon as he heard the news, Larry King decided to start wearing protection again.

Cheerleaders
On Tuesday, 26 high school cheerleaders from Texas all crammed into an elevator together and got stuck for almost half an hour because the door wouldn’t open, or at least that is what Charlie Sheen told them.

McCain
According to a recent survey, only 31% of Americans say they would carpool with McCain. Only those who don’t need to get to work in time.

A 73 year-old Japanese man is the oldest porn star in the world with more than 200 movies. His record could be broken if McCain gets elected; the senator is way older and could screw a lot more people.

Batman
“Batman: The Dark Knight" continued to smash records by breaking the $400 million mark in only 18 days. They expect to get to $500 millions, as long as producers of the movie can have someone else in the cast involved in an accident.

Dogs
According to scientists from Birkbeck College in London nearly three in four dogs yawned after seeing a human yawn. Apparently, the dogs also suffer the effects of our wives’ babbling.

Greyhound
Greyhound was running an ad campaign that stated that "There's a reason you've never heard of 'bus rage.'" We all know the reason now, beheaded people can’t talk.

August 6th 2008

McCain
In a recently released video, Paris Hilton rebutted the McCain commercial that used her picture. Paris Hilton’s response made her relevant again. Today Eddie Murphy, Tara Reid and all the former American Idol contestants called the McCain campaign and begged for a spot in their next commercial.

Political analysts believe the confrontation between McCain and Paris Hilton could benefit the candidate in the polls. If McCain single-handedly revived Paris Hilton's sagging career, he can definitely do the same with the sagging economy.

John McCain volunteered his wife for a topless beauty pageant while campaigning in Sturgis, South Dakota. Maybe now McCain sees the importance of inflating the tires properly.

The confrontation between Senator John McCain and Paris Hilton has become one of the most discussed items of the day. "I’m enjoying my 15 minutes of fame," said John McCain.

Freeman
Morgan Freeman was involved in a serious car accident in Mississippi. He was driving a 1997 Nissan Maxima. Apparently, Wayne Enterprises pays crap!

Exams
A new study concludes that men over 75 should stop getting prostate exams because they cause more harm than good, especially for the doctor that does it.

Giggles
A 20-year-old student from Barrow upon Soar, Leicestershire, has cataplexy and could be paralyzed if she gets a fit of the giggles. There go my chances of getting naked in front of her.

Bills
Research shows that American paper money contains the highest traces of cocaine. Why do you think Europeans still accept our devalued money?

Beatles
A newly discovered tape of The Beatles laughing and chatting during an early recording session has sold for about $23,000, an auction house reported Tuesday. It’s easy to spot Ringo, he is the one laughing out of tempo.

August 5th 2008

Obama
Barack Obama celebrated his birthday yesterday. He received tons of presents, including gold, frankincense and myrrh from the three wise men.

Barack Obama celebrated his birthday yesterday. He refused to blow the candles, just to avoid a new comparison with Paris Hilton.

In a new commercial, the McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears. I would avoid the comparison Mr. McCain, especially when one of Britney’s most famous song is "I’m a Slave 4 you."

Freeman
Morgan Freeman was involved in a serious car accident in Mississippi. Gee, the producers of Batman are insatiable.

Airlines
JetBlue Airways started charging passengers for pillows on Monday. They know the passengers’ weakness; we all need something to bite while we’re getting screwed by the airlines.

McCain
John McCain accused Obama of using the race card during the campaign. Apparently, when you have political credit you can use the Race Card, The Visa Card and the MasterCard.

According to a professor of journalism and political science at American University, Obama’s photos almost double the number of McCain’s photos published in the newspapers. That’s arguable, there are tons of McCain’s photos in the paper, you just don’t see them because they get lost in the white background.

Surgery
According to Dr. Miguel Sabino Neto, women who've had breast reduction surgery are generally happier after they have the procedure. Their husbands? Not so much…

Bradgelina
People Magazine paid $14 million dollars for the pictures of Angelina Jolie’s and Brad Pitt’s twins. That makes Brad Pitt’s sperm almost as valuable as oil.

Polls
According to a recent survey, John McCain and Barak Obama are tied in the polls. This could give McCain and advantage as he has way more experience “being tied.”

Iraq
Several soldiers coming from Iraq are said to be hard of hearing due to the dealing with explosions and gunshots. Ironically, the deafest of them all when it comes to the war is President Bush and he has not heard a single gunshot since the war started.

Giggle
A 20-year-old student from Barrow upon Soar, Leicestershire, has cataplexy and could be paralyzed if she gets a fit of the giggles. Doctors immediately recommended avoiding watching any of Bush’s speeches.

A 20-year-old student from Barrow upon Soar, Leicestershire, has cataplexy and could be paralyzed if she gets a fit of the giggles. She’s safe as long as she watches all of Mike Myers’ latest movies.

Economy
The media showed Tuesday some pictures of a 22 year old marketing student from Pune, India, who was born with 12 fingers and 14 toes. He was immediately contacted by the Bush administration to make him in charge of the U.S. economy.

August 4th 2008

Obama
Senator Obama said Saturday that McCain’s campaign strategy is never to talk about McCain himself and only talk about Obama. McCain couldn’t wait to respond. "Obama is crazy," he said.

Obama said Thursday that McCain is telling America that Obama doesn’t look like the presidents in the dollars bills. Unlike McCain that looks like all of them: dead…

In a new commercial, the McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, which is wrong because we all know Paris Hilton is pro drilling and Obama not so much.

During a recent commercial, McCain called Obama the biggest celebrity in the world. After he heard that, Christian Bail got mad and beat up his mom and sister again.

In a new commercial, the McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears. They are onto something; both Britney and Barack have two kids, they both smoke, and they both have someone begging them for money all the time: K-Fed and Hillary.

During a speech on Thursday, Obama said that the best way to save energy is to inflate your tires. Apparently, you pump your tires so much you don’t need gas because your car starts floating in the air.

Oil prices jumped as much as $5 a barrel after it was reported that oil demand hasn’t decreased in the U.S. It is not that people are driving more; most of the gas lately is being used to fuel the presidential campaign.

Joke
A London university has traced the world's oldest recorded joke. You can hear it on Tuesday on the Jay Leno Show.

A London university has traced the world's oldest recorded joke. And no; it is not John McCain.

Cat
The owner of Powder, a 44-pound cat, that became the media sensation last week, said she had to abandon the cat because her home was foreclosed. Apparently, she was using most of her money to feed the fatty monster.

Congress
Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the microphones in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. Things got a little confusing when Republicans tried to see if the microphones were working; every time they said "Check, Check," two or three lobbyist would show up with some money.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the lights and microphones in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. It didn’t take long for somebody to tell Larry Craig that what he was reaching for wasn’t a microphone.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned off the power in Congress Friday when Republicans tried to remain in session and demand offshore drilling. Come on, it’s not like congress has any power left anyway…

Cells
The cell phone has been named the most life-changing gadget, especially if you are the mayor of Detroit.

The cell phone has been named the most life-changing gadget, and the most dangerous one if you are Naomi Campbell’s maid.

Cars
The Transportation Department said Americans reduced their driving by billions of miles last month. Things are getting so pathetic, car salesmen need to add miles in the speedometer so people don’t suspect they are getting a lemon.

Banks
Bank regulators closed a small Florida-based bank on Friday, the eighth U.S. bank to fail this year under. Good news if you're in the mattress industry!