January 30th 2009

Friday leftovers....have a nice weekend
pedrobartes@hotmail.com

The media reported this week that the dress code is more casual at the White House since Obama arrived. Things are so casual at the White House now that on Fridays Joe Biden wears his hair unplugged.

Governor Rod Blagojevich says that he got his children a puppy for Christmas. Actually, the puppy wasn’t for the kids; he wanted to sell it to Obama but the cheap son of a gun didn’t buy it.

There is a rumor going around that Michelle Obama is pregnant. Apparently, Obama gave her the stimulus package already.

A 17-year-old student was arrested for dressing up as a girl to try to take a high school Regents exam in place of another student. Can you imagine the teacher’s reaction when he found out...?

Members of congress have given themselves a raise of $4,700. Put yourself in their shoes; have you seen how expensive those sits are nowadays?

Barack Obama signed an equal pay bill that will benefit female employees. Companies all over the country didn’t oppose; they will just lower all the male employees’ salaries and match them to females’.

CBS has given the go-ahead to a comedy show called "Tick Tock." With that name, the show is likely to bomb.

Japan's government wants its citizens to procreate more. So they are banning Larry King from their TV’s so it won’t affect women’s arousal.

Doctors say that frequent masturbation can decrease the risk of prostate cancer in men over 50. There you have it! A great excuse for when your wife catches you looking at porn online! You’re welcome.

A leading climate expert says that Barack Obama has only four years to save the Earth. Wow! Given the world economy nowadays, he’s a total optimist.

January 29th 2009

Gossip reports say Tony Romo is cheating on Jessica Simpson. But in his defense, recent pictures suggest Jessica has been cheating on him with Tony Roma’s.


According to a new survey, half of all people say they're more likely to eat in this Valentine's Day because of financial reasons. The other half is likely to eat out, because due to the financial crisis they lost their homes and live on the streets.

A democratic-leading Congress approved a historically huge $819 billion stimulus bill Wednesday night. The controversial package includes money for job-creating programs such as building roads, transit projects, and a massive reconstruction of Nancy Pelosi’s face.

An aerial acrobat has died after falling 15 to 20 feet during a performance in Scottsdale, Ariz. Apparently, during his act, he hit a flock of geese.

According to a new study, boys in the United States with less-common names are more likely to break the law. So, with names like Trig, Bristol, Piper, and now Tripp, we know now that Sarah Palin is raising a family of criminals.
The economy is so bad; the NBA is now charging for FREE throws.

This week, a woman gave birth inside of a library in Denver. It wasn’t that easy for her with everybody shushing her during the delivery.

Scientists have found that being popular can actually be in your genes, especially if you take them off quite often.

Scientists have found that being popular can actually be in your genes. Today, NBC announced they’ll be doing genetic studies before they hire anybody else.

Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey from Georgia apologized to Rush Limbaugh a day after he harshly criticizing the radio host. Apparently, to show Rush his love, the congressman sent a beautiful gift basket full of Viagra pills and Oxicotin.

Several people in the media as well as some political analysts have openly criticized Rush Limbaugh for wishing Obama’s failure. Unfortunately, the criticism against Rush Limbaugh fell on deaf ears.

Massive deficits could force the post office to cut out one day of mail delivery, the postmaster general told Congress on Wednesday. So, who is my dog going to chew on that day?

The stimulus package that was just approved by congress includes $335 Million to control sexually transmitted diseases. Wouldn’t be saving a lot of money if we just buy Paris Hilton a chastity belt?

January 28th 2009

According to a new survey, one in three workers admits they pretended to be sick in the last year. The other two pretended they had a job.

Paul McCartney is close to marrying his current girlfriend, Nancy Shevell. You know that Heather Mills is hopping ... the wedding sucks…

Rush Limbaugh told his audience that he’s not going to bend over and grab his ankles just because Obama is black. Come on Rush, even if we elected the whitest, richest person in the world, you wouldn’t be able to bend over and grab your ankles.

A new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than to tell the truth. Why do you think political speeches are so long?

A Representative from New York introduced a bill called the Camera Phone Predator Alert Act into Congress. The bill states that all camera phones should be required to make a "tone or other sound audible within a reasonable radius of the phone". Apparently, he and his political friends are tired of getting caught taking bribes.

A Representative from New York introduced a bill called the Camera Phone Predator Alert Act into Congress. The bill states that all camera phones should be required to make a "tone or other sound audible within a reasonable radius of the phone". It’s just a favor to Gov. Patterson that never hears the camera and so, is never smiling in the pictures.

A Representative from New York introduced a bill called the Camera Phone Predator Alert Act into Congress. The bill states that all camera phones should be required to make a "tone or other sound audible within a reasonable radius of the phone". Apparently, he wants the sound of a coin dropping, so when you bend over to pick it up, he gets your best angle.

Mexico's central bank says that the amount of money migrants sent home fell 3.6 percent in 2008, the first drop on record. Apparently, now family members are coming to the States to pick the money themselves.

A woman gave birth to eight babies in Southern California on Monday. The doctor only expected seven, so you can guess his reaction when Osama Bin Laden popped up last.

During a speech in a forum, Bush senior told the story of when he ran into “one of the ugliest, angriest women he had ever seen who screamed at him ‘stay out of my womb!’ to what he replied ‘no problem.’ Unfortunately, Barbara later seduced him and that is how George W was born.

Republican congressmen said that it doesn’t make any sense to include hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives in the stimulus package. Of course, for them it’s easy; they are so old that they don’t need contraceptives any more…

President Obama gave an interview to Arab TV network Al-Arabiya. Ironically, he was referred as Hussein more often in Fox news than during that interview.

The coach of a Texas high school basketball team that beat another team 100-0 was fired Sunday. And now none of the NBA coaches dares play the Oklahoma Thunders.

Iraq's black population hopes that Barack Obama marks a turning point for them, too. Apparently, they are tired of seating at the back of the camel.

According to a study, children are 43% more likely to be hit by a car while crossing the street when they're talking on a cell phone. And 100% are more likely to get hit if the one that’s driving the car is also on their cell phones.

The Post Office has decided to suspend some deliveries to Rockport Massachusetts after a mail carrier was repeatedly attacked by some turkeys. Apparently, the mail carrier will go back to the same route armed this time with a picture of Sarah Palin.

January 27th 2009

A woman gave birth to eight babies in Southern California on Monday. Unfortunately, it wasn’t without injuries. Apparently, when the doctor slapped the first baby to make him cry, the other seven beat the doc up.

A woman gave birth to eight babies in Southern California on Monday. By the time the last one was born, the first one was already big enough to hold the camera.

The Senate on Monday voted unanimously to postpone the upcoming transition from analog to digital television broadcasting by four months to June 12. Apparently, the petition came from some TV hosts that needed more time for more plastic surgeries.

Gov. Rod Blagojevich. said he wanted to offer the senate seat to Oprah Winfrey. Once again, it was a business decision because like some airlines, he was insisting she pay for two seats.

The coach of a Texas high school basketball team that beat another team 100-0 was fired Sunday, the same day he sent an e-mail to a newspaper saying he will not apologize. Shouldn’t they fire the coach of the team that lost 0- 100?

Obama caught some heat today by conservative pundits because he sat for his first formal TV interview with the Arabic cable TV network Al-Arabiya. Obama claimed that he tried to score an interview with an American network, but they are all too busy interviewing Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Conservative pundits are accusing Obama for talking to the enemy after the president sat for his first formal TV interview with the Arabic cable TV network Al-Arabiya. Obama denied sitting with the enemies, as he hasn’t done any interviews with Fox or Rush Limbaugh.

Timothy Geithner won confirmation Monday as President Barack Obama's Treasury Secretary despite personal tax lapses. The confirmation left aside Obama’s second choice for Treasury Secretary: actor Wesley Snipes.

A woman woke up from a coma after her husband kissed her. It wasn’t that romantic; she woke up and asked where he had been at because his breath smelled of booze.

According to a study by Britain's Institute for Social and Economic Research, divorce, in general, makes men wealthier. Yeah, especially if you’re Guy Ritchie or Kevin Federline…

Home Depot Inc., the biggest home improvement retailer in the U.S., is laying off 7,000 people. On the bright side, the ex-employees didn’t have to go far to try to get a new job; they just lined outside next to the illegal immigrants

Due to the economic crisis, illegal immigration has decreased enormously. Lou Dobbs wanted to celebrate but unfortunately, he’s broke to throw a party.

Police recovered all the money from a bank robbery in West Virginia including $1,690 that a female thief had hidden inside her most intimate of areas. That wasn’t the most impressive part; that money was still inside a safe.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said during a press conference he couldn’t send out some memos because the White House e-mail system was broken. Why did Obama hire Doctor Guptka then?

A 14-year-old boy who fooled Chicago police and spent five hours in a squad car alongside another police officer who was on traffic patrol has tried impersonating a cop before. Apparently, they realized he wasn’t a real cop because he was fit to chase suspects.

January 26th 2009

Amy Winehouse’s husband is asking for half of her money in their divorce settlement. Most people think he is out of line. And that’s precisely why he wants so much money, because he is out of lines…

Amy Winehouse’s husband is asking for half of her money in their divorce settlement claiming he was the inspiring muse of her successful first album. In that case, the other half should go to heroin and crack.

Nancy Pelosi said during the weekend that birth control pills will eventually save the economy. She might be right, especially if we give them to anybody in the Bush family.

Governor Rod Blagojevich said he’s like Ghandi. I knew that was a wig!

A bakery in Greenwich Village was selling Drunken Negro Face Cookies, but stopped when the media reported about it. I guess Michael Richards will have to drink his tea with scones now.

A bakery in Greenwich Village was selling Drunken Negro Face Cookies. Apparently, they were just catering for Fox News.

A company called Terrafugia is selling the world’s first flying car. Actually, it is not such a big deal anymore since U.S. Airways came up with the plane that drives in water.

A company called Terrafugia is selling the world’s first flying car. “But how do you change a flat tire in midair?” asked Jessica Simpson…

Experts are questioning the National Park Service report that 1.8 million people attended the inauguration of President Obama and believe it was just about 1.5 million. Apparently, it seemed way more people because of the presence of Al Gore, Michael Moore, and Oprah in the crowd.

Former President Bush will receive a lucrative pension of nearly $197,000 this year. But don’t get mad; if he manages his money like he managed the economy of the country, he’ll be out of it in a month.

A plumber rescued a $70,000 wedding ring that a woman dropped in a restaurant toilet and flushed it away unintentionally. Unfortunately, she was forced to pawn it later to pay the plumber’s fees.

House Republican leaders presented President Barack Obama on Friday with proposals to stimulate the economy that included heavy tax cuts on low-income people. They are sticking up for their friends that left the White House because most of them will only find jobs flipping burgers.
Some conservative pundits are questioning the second presidential oath Obama had on Thursday because he didn’t lay his hands on a Bible. According to Obama’s staffers, everything is legal because he laid his hands on his autobiography which is almost the same.

Some pharmaceutical companies are working on a memory pill that will soon be available over the counter. It won’t work; who in their right minds would want to remember anything that happened in the last 8 years?

130 tons of garbage was hauled away from the Presidential Inauguration. It could have been way more, but fortunately, congress was not in session.

Despite the Republican National Committee's promise to donate Sarah Palin's $180,000 campaign wardrobe to charity, word has it the Alaska governor's clothes remain stuffed in trash bags at the RNC headquarters. Not only the clothes are in the trash bags, there’s also her daughter’s purity ring.

According to a new survey, 26% of the people believe Obama should model himself after Ronald Reagan, 17% after JFK and 100% of gays who saw the shirtless pictures of Obama believe he should model.

Heather Mills is charging up to $102,000 a time as an after-dinner speaker. Apparently, people are willing to pay that and even more so she doesn’t speak.

January 23rd 2009

Tons of jokes for today's leftover....Hey shoot me an e-mail if you wanna say hi, send a comment or anything, those are always appreciated
pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend....

More than 130 tons of garbage was hauled away after Barack Obama's inauguration. And still, Aretha Franklyn’s hat survived…

Sarah Palin is looking to get a book deal. Rumors are, the name of the book is "101 Moose Recipes…"

Sarah Palin is looking to get a book deal. No chances the book is going to get into the Oprah’s Book Club.

Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months. Apparently, they were all shown to the WINDOW...

Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months. Hasta la VISTA baby...

Japanese people are using Barack Obama's new speeches as an aid to learning English. Apparently, for the last 8 years they have been using Rosetta Stone.

During his first full day in office, Joe Biden Jr. made a verbal gaffe, shooting a public dig at the chief justice of the United States that left President Obama grim-faced. That’s the difference between Former Vice-president Cheney and Vice President Biden: Cheney shoots other people; Biden shoots himself in the foot.

Newspapers are now saying that Caroline Kennedy withdrew her name as a possible New York senator because she knew she was not going to be picked by Governor Patterson. Apparently, Patterson didn’t see her... as the best fit for that position.

Famed quartet, including cellist Yo-Yo Ma, made the decision to use taped music from two days prior, rather than play live during the inauguration because he wanted everything to sound perfect. I wonder why Chief Justice John Roberts didn’t do the same with the presidential oath...

The movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" collected 13 nominations for an Oscar. It's the story of a man who is born old and gets younger with the passing of time. Apparently, the writer got inspired by the life of Kenny Rogers.

According to a recent survey, 23% of women said that their favorite part of their bodies is their face. The other 77% have boob jobs.

Obama wore a bulletproof vest at the inauguration, but none during the inaugural balls. If you saw awkward movements during the dance with Michelle Obama, it was just that he’s a horrible dancer.

There’s a website called MyInauguralPhoto.com where you can make it look like you were at the inauguration. Perfect for Eliot Spitzer, ‘cause you know, he never left the hotel in DC.

Amazingly enough, even with two million people on the mall, there was no a single arrest in D.C. That means all congressmen sold their inaugural tickets and left town.

MillerCoors said Tuesday that it will premiere a one-second ad for its Miller High Life brand during the Super Bowl broadcast Feb. 1. Apparently, they are going to use that second to describe its best qualities...

A British gym is trying to add human interest to the workouts by replacing traditional dumbbell weights with human ones. If you’re a beginner, the two 5lbs dumbbells are the Olsen Twins.

Nashville voters cast ballots Thursday on a proposal that would make it the largest U.S. city to require all government business to be done in English. Apparently, they want to be sure Bush doesn’t move there now that he’s out of the White House.

January 22nd 2009

Hillary Clinton won her confirmation as US secretary of state from her fellow senators Wednesday and will have to serve at president Obama’s pleasure… “Yeah, good luck with that,” said Bill.

Hillary Clinton won her confirmation as US secretary of state Wednesday. The celebrations were held at a very important restaurant in New York, I mean, hers; Bill celebrated in Hooters.

Hillary Clinton won her confirmation as US secretary of state Wednesday with only two senators voting against her, including David Vitter. Apparently, Vitter wants Hillary home, next to Bill, so he doesn't need to compete with Bill for the best prostitutes in DC.

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back Monday and is using a wheelchair. Shouldn't we be the ones with the back pain? After all, he screwed us for the last 8 years.

The stock market dropped on Tuesday as president Obama was being sworn in. We shouldn't be surprised, though, since one of his campaign promises was to bring people closer together, like the rich getting closer to the poor.

China censored parts of President Barack Obama's inauguration speech. Apparently, it was too communist even for them...

China censored parts of President Barack Obama's inauguration speech. They still didn't censor as much as Fox news.

Obama announced today he’s freezing salaries of some White House aides. The example seemed to catch on, as today lobbyists announced a bribe freeze to the members of congress.

President Barack Obama was re-administered the presidential oath by Chief Justice John Roberts Wednesday. Now Sarah Palin claims that he can’t be re-elected because the first day counts as the Obama’s first term.

After the flub heard around the world, President Barack Obama has taken the oath of office again. Apparently, he had to do it twice, once for his white half, and the other for his black half.

President Barack Obama was re-administered the presidential oath by Chief Justice John Roberts Wednesday. Apparently, the second one was over a Koran.

Knowing how much former President Bush loves fishing, the Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva invited him to go fishing in Brazil. No news about an invitation for Cheney to go hunting.

Knowing how much former President Bush loves fishing, the Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva invited him to go fishing in Brazil. Well, I hope it is not boat fishing, because Bush will manage to sink that boat too.

A 72-year-old man with eyebrows so long he brushed them each morning raised $1,600 for charity from people who paid to take turns trimming his out-of-control brows. If Andy Rooney copies the idea he could raise millions.

Activists in Africa started a hunger strike to bring political change to Zimbabwe. They were joined, like every other day, by the entire country

January 21st 2009

Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., swearing in a new president for the first time, had problems with the word “faithfully” during the presidential oath. “Don’t worry about it”, said Bill Clinton, “I had problems with that word before too...”

Barack Obama treated Oprah Winfrey to a private dinner before the inauguration. No wonder it was the most expensive inauguration of all times!

Cat Stevens is releasing a new album; it will feature appearances by Paul McCartney, Dolly Parton and Bin Laden...

Before leaving office, President Bush only commuted two sentences but didn't pardon anybody. And today his approval rating went from 26% to only two people.

Barack Obama is officially the president of the United States. He has started discriminating against white people right away, especially when he announced a 500% tax on sun block.

Chief Justice John Roberts made a mistake during the presidential oath because he said the words in the wrong order. That wasn’t the only error. Apparently, few people noticed that he called Obama “Osama.”

Following the inauguration of Barack Obama, Bush and his wife Laura boarded a helicopter alongside the U.S. Capitol. It looked suspicious to everybody that organizers decided to release doves just when the helicopter was taking off.

Nearly two million people attended the inauguration of Barack Obama yesterday, which makes it the largest public gathering ever in the nation's capital. You have to give some credit to Bush; if it wasn’t that most people are unemployed, they wouldn’t have been able to go there.

Two 8-year-old boys protected a woman from a gunman that threatened to kill her, by beating the person with baseball bats. I’m not trying to ruin the story, but actually the kids beat the man because he stepped on their Legos...

A man in England plans to marry his fiancée, who recently died in a car accident. Let the guy have his wedding, but please someone stop the honeymoon!

Barack Obama held an open house at the White House his first full day in office. And today there are hundreds of squatters that lost their homes due to foreclosure living there.

Tom Cruise is seriously considering turning last week's Hudson River plane crash into a blockbuster movie. Cruise is known for crashes; have you seen his latest movie?

British tabloids say that Britney Spears is getting $14 million to write her autobiography. It looks like a lot, but it is actually 10$ for an autobiography of each of her personalities.

January 20th 2009

Everybody is still talking about the other day’s miracle... No, not the US Airways plane landing, the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl.

Captain Sully Sullenberger was invited to Obama’s inauguration. He arrived on a sunny day carrying an umbrella. Apparently, since he killed those geese, every other bird has decided to retaliate.

Captain Sully Sullenberger was invited to Obama’s inauguration. Today organizers prepared the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in case he wants to land there.

Barack Obama is holding an open house at the White House his first full day in office. It is more like a tour so you can see what you get when you rent the Lincoln Bedroom.

According to barbers around the country, more and more clients have started asking for the "Obama haircut" to look like the new president. According to doctors at Bosley Hair Restoration, more and more people are asking for Biden’s.

Some Los Angeles homeowners affected by the bad economy are renting their homes as film sets. Phil Spector says that his place is perfect for a murder-mystery thriller.

Some Beverly Hills homeowners affected by the bad economy are renting their houses to be used as sets for porn movies. They can make as much as $2,000 to $3,000 a day, or call it even if they want to be part of one of those movies.

According to a new survey, New York is the city most affected by job loss in the country. Things are so bad that even Caroline Kennedy is fighting for one.

Cuban officials say they are ending a nearly decade-long ban on new licenses for private taxis. People can’t wait to be able to enjoy new cars like a 58 Chevy Impala, or a Ford Farlaine.

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back Monday. Apparently, carrying Bush on his shoulders for the last 8 years took its toll.

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back Monday and is using a wheelchair for the inauguration. You he's faking it, he just wants to get a better parking spot.

President Obama said Monday that, given the crisis we’re in, we can’t allow any idle hands… “I agree,” said Bill Clinton…

Two in three Americans will watch the swearing-in ceremony. The other will swear at the ceremony.

A nude picture Madonna posed for back in 1979 is being auctioned off next month. Judging by the amount of carpet down there now you know why she is dating Alex Rodriguez, because only a Latino is capable of mowing such a lawn.

January 19th 2009

Obama’s Inauguration
District and federal officials in Washington DC are preparing for as many as 4 million people for the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. Actually, most of the 4 million don't care much about Obama, they just want to make sure Bush is leaving.

Organizers of Obama’s inauguration have everything ready for Tuesday. Security is tight, information booth are ready, they even prepared the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool in case a US Airways flight wants to land there.

More than 800 buses drove people to Washington DC for the inauguration of President-elect Barack Obama. But just because after the accident with US Airways nobody dares take a plane anymore.

Washington, D.C.-area cosmetic dermatologists and skin experts say that, despite the sagging economy, requests for quickie cosmetic fixes, such as Botox, have almost tripled. It was just Nancy Pelosi getting ready for Obama’s Inauguration.

Washington, D.C.-area cosmetic dermatologists and skin experts say that, despite the sagging economy, requests for quickie cosmetic fixes, such as Botox, have almost tripled in preparation for inaugural fetes. Apparently, people misunderstood Obama’s message of change…

Washington, D.C.-area cosmetic dermatologists and skin experts say that, despite the sagging economy, requests for quickie cosmetic fixes, such as Botox, have almost tripled. It was actually Obama trying to look more centrist.

A French man broke the world record for the longest speech after rambling nonstop for 124 hours about Spanish painter Salvador Dali, Catalan culture and other topics. The new record won’t last long as Joe Biden is expected to break it with his speech at Obama’s inauguration.

Only 5,000 portable toilets will be available at the presidential inauguration day despite the fact that more than 4,000,000 are expected to attend the event. 5000 toilets for 4,000,000 people? Whats the problem, said Larry Craig, we can all share...


US Airways
Some New York residents believed they have spotted sharks in the Hudson River. Actually they were lawyers trying to find the engines of the U.S. Airways plane first so they can sue the airline.

After the accident of US Airways Flight 1549, executives of the company decided a little change in the name. US Airwaves.

Scientists spotted methane and water in Mars. Today, US Airways announced they are going to be flying to Mars soon.

I finally understood why they don’t let you board a plane with water. It’s because they know you are going to have plenty after the landing.

According to the Federal Aviation Administration, a flock of birds brought down US Airways Flight 1549. Today, the Bush administration has classified them as Terrobirds…

According to the Federal Aviation Administration, a flock of Canadian Geese brought down US Airways Flight 1549. Today, Cheney called the press and declared war to Canada.

I boarded a US Airways flight yesterday. It is getting more and more expensive. They charged me $1 for the headphones, $2 for the pillows, and 10$ for goggles and swimming fins.

Other Jokes
One of the contestants of American Idol, who was arrested for DUI in West Hollywood back in July, might be forced to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle. That could hurt her chances to get airtime, because you know that the bracelet will go off every time the contestant gets close to Paula Abdul.

A new sleeper virus has hurt important companies and has now spread to more than eight million computers affecting all 6 employees.

It is so cold lately that Republicans will attend Obama’s inauguration just to be among millions of people and catch some warmth.

It is so cold that the reason why the geese got stuck in the engines of the US Airways flight was because they were wearing scarves.

According to political analysts, President-elect Barack Obama is preparing to prohibit the use of harsh interrogation techniques, especially now that his mother-in-law is going to live with him in the White House.

The U.S. may overtake Italy as the world's biggest wine drinker by 2012, especially if Sarah Palin decides to run for office.

A&E aired a new scripted series called “The Beast”, and no, Mickey Rourke is not starring in it.

January 16th 2009

Please feel free to send my comments, ideas or suggestions at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend...
Pedro

U.S. Airways
did you see the crash yesterday? no, no the plane, Bush's farewell address

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. In other news, tomorrow, during all the U.S. Airway’s flights, the main menu will be goose taco.

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived. It was the first time in the airline’s history that all the passengers landed together with their luggage.

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. It gave all the passengers goose bumps.

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. The plane had been flying for a few minutes when the pilot screamed something about a goose. Unfortunaly everybody in the cockpit immediately assumed he was talking about one of his usual drinks.

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. In other news, Samuel L Jackson started working on a new movie... “Geese on a plane.”

A U.S. Airways' plane taking off from New York crashed into the Hudson River after it hit a flock of geese. All the passengers survived thanks to the great pilot’s maneuvers. Today the pilot got a call from Obama asking him to pilot this crashing economy.

Carell
Steve Carell has invested some of his money and purchased a 155-year-old general store in Marshfield, Massachusetts. If Carell continues with bad business decisions such as this one, he might end up working in a real office.

Invisible
Researchers at Duke University are allegedly close to creating a real-life "invisibility cloak". “Right in time”, said Bush and Cheney.

Researchers at Duke University are allegedly close to creating a real-life "invisibility cloak". Oh come on! It has been out there for a while... Didn’t Ralph Nader use it in the last elections?

Coffee
According to a new study from Durham University in England, coffee can cause heavily-caffeinated people to hear voices, especially if you go to Starbucks; you may start hearing voices saying “Sucker! $4 for a coffee?”

FCC
The FCC received 18 complaints about Sunday night's "Golden Globes" telecast. Apparently, they were all mad because Salma Hayek didn’t have a wardrobe-malfunction.

Jokes
According to a study from Washington State University, 37% of people laugh at dumb jokes. No wonder Carson Daily continues on the air.

January 15th 2009

Bush
Cold temperatures are affecting the entire country. It was so cold today that President Bush asked those who throw shoes at him, to throw the socks as well.

President Bush will give his farewell speech to the nation tonight. Nobody at the White House wants Bush to blow it, so today they asked Kara DioGuardi, the new American Idol judge, to stay next to him in case he starts sounding like Paula Abdul.

President Bush said that after he leaves office he plans to start a “freedom institute”. Apparently, he wants to protect freedom all over the world, especially his.

President Bush said that after he leaves office he plans to write a book, give speeches, and help build his presidential library. If it goes like with the plans and promises he had before he was elected, he’ll end up watching TV in the couch all the time.

Inauguration
Only 5,000 portable toilets will be available at the presidential inauguration day despite the fact that more than 4,000,000 are expected to attend the event. To help , organizers of the event changed one of the performers and booked R. Kelly, who doesn’t use a bathroom when he needs to go number1.

A Nudist Resort in Crownsville, Maryland still has rooms available for those who want attend Obama’s presidential inauguration. The only catch is that you have to get naked during the half-hour member initiation. That is not the only place with that requirement; people who are renting apartments from congressmen in DC, may also be asked to get naked.

Osama Bi Laden
Osama Bin Laden released a new tape Wednesday, his first recorded statement in eight months. President Bush made a last effort to capture Obama, and sent this message to him: “Welcome to Hollywood Osama!”

Skeptics believe that the new tape released by Osama Bin Laden is a fake, especially because every time he refers to Obama he mistakes his name for Osama.

Obama
A car that President-elect Barack Obama drove before winning the White House is being auctioned off on eBay. The breaks of the car are probably in really bad condition, because before Obama won the primaries he was pulled over by cops every time he drove it.

Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley may lose his deal with T-Mobile due to his recent DUI. Apparently, executives checked the Fav 5 on his phone and discovered that three of them were Julio, Jose and Jack... Don Julio, Jose Cuervo and Jack Daniels...

American Idol
During the first American Idol show, Ryan Seacrest tried to high-five a blind contestant. Apparently, he was still confused after producers forced him to kiss a hot contestant in a bikini.

An American Idol contestant showed up wearing a bikini and kissed Ryan Seacrest. Very feminine, a lot of make- up, really sexy... and the woman in the bikini too…

January 14th 2009

Bush
According to the Washington Post, White House interns were forced to fill empty seats in Bush’s last press conference. It is not unusual for presidents to ask interns to help; even when all the seats were taken by the press, former president Clinton would ask some of the interns to sit on his lap.

According to the Washington Post, White House interns were forced to fill empty seats in Bush’s last press conference. Apparently, most of reporters refused to attend the event due to the new no-shoe-policy.

Some people believe that something smelled rotten at Bush’s last press conference. It wasn’t Bush’s words; just the fact that reporters were asked to remove their shoes before attending it.

California
For the fourth year in a row, more people moved out of California than in. The number is expected to reverse on Monday when the Mexicans that crossed the border illegally to visit their families in Mexico cross it again to go back to work.

Hooters
A group of Texas men are suing Hooters and alleging that they were "denied a waiter's position because of gender." And you thought that Hooters would be thrilled to hire big boobs…

Who wants to be a millionaire
ABC might bring back the show “Who wants to be a millionaire”. The economy is so bad though, that now if you want to phone a friend during the show you have to call collect.

Cell Phones
German researchers said on Tuesday that regular mobile phone use does not appear to affect your vision... unless you work for Naomi Campbel.

New Kids on the block
The boy band, New Kids on the Block, have started working in cruises. Apparently, Cruise companies have hired them to confuse the passengers because they won’t know if they puked because of the food or because of the band’s performance.

Virginity
A 22-year-old woman auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in Nevada said some people are offering more than $3.8 million. I’m willing to offer more if it includes rough sex, so after I’m done I beat her up until she gives me my money back.

A 22-year-old woman auctioning off her virginity at a legal brothel in Nevada said some people are offering more than $3.8 million. The only person I know that can make so much with no experience is Caroline Kennedy.

Eddy Curry
Eddy Curry of the New York Knicks is being sued for sexual harassment by his male driver. The NBA player claims it is all a misunderstanding, especially when he said to the driver: “Do you want some curry on those buns?”

Eddy Curry’s driver said he had to do humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels with sperm. At least we know he won’t have a problem finding a new job, as he was immediately contacted by Bill Clinton.

Fat
A British man has been told that he cannot adopt a child because he is too obese and could die. Everything is ruined for him, because if he loses weight and gets the kid, what’s going to happen in the future every time the kid misbehaves? “You bastard, you know how much I had to starve to adopt you?”

In the news
Goodwill Industries said Monday it's doing a huge business selling formal wear for the Inaugural balls. If you’re lucky you could get one of the dresses Sarah Palin had to sell.

A robber in Paris tried to steal the tip jar at a sushi restaurant but a waiter killed him with a sushi knife…. And served him later in sushi rolls.

Researchers suggest that "finger length" may determine a person's financial success; especially if you are a gynecologist.

January 13th 2009

Roland Burris
US Senate officials on Monday finally approved Roland Burris to fill the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. Apparently, Burris’ check cleared Monday morning.

Old Lady
A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. “I would contact her but I’m not a cradle snatcher,” said Larry King.

A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. Today Ashton Kutcher went crazy trying to find her e-mail.

A 107-year-old Chinese woman is looking for a husband. Apparently, she is looking for someone that, after they get married, would romantically lift her in his arms and place her in her coffin.

In the News
Researchers have found that people who are considered boring may live longer and happier lives than people who aren't. I guess Al Gore can run for president in 2050.

According to federal and industry data, two consecutive years have passed without a single airline passenger death in a U.S. carrier crash. Apparently, the study doesn’t take into consideration those people that commit suicide after they have such atrocious experiences on their flights.

The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. Apparently, the only fit people left to recruit were gay.

Obama’s Dog
Barack Obama is going to adopt a dog and has narrowed down his choices to a Portuguese water dog and a Labradoodle. The Labradoodle seems to be the favorite, but just because it paid Blagojevich.

Barack Obama is going to adopt a dog and has narrowed down his choices to a Portuguese water dog and a Labradoodle. Whichever he chooses, Al Sharpton wants to make amends with Obama and has offered himself to neuter the dog.

Celebrities
This year’s Golden Globes Awards ceremony was attended by more celebrities than previous years. Apparently, most of them were scammed by Bernie Madoff and they wouldn’t pass a chance to dine for free.

I finally understood why they are called the Golden Globes… I just saw a picture of Salma Hayek.

Howie Mandel was hospitalized in Toronto last night for an irregular heartbeat. Apparently, he became agitated when he heard Blagojevich was going to replace him as a host of Deal or no Deal.

Bush
President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night. The networks are already fighting about it. ABC wants to call it “Lost,” and NBC, “The Biggest Looser.”

President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night. Apparently, he didn’t want to leave office without a last present for comedians.

President George W. Bush will give a farewell address to the nation Thursday night and has asked the TV networks for airtime. He knows that after he’s gone, his only chance for airtime will be in America’s Most Wanted.

During his last press conference, President Bush said it is not true that overseas people view America in a dim light. Actually, in Iraq, people see America with no light, due to lack of electricity.

President Bush has given a press conference where he admitted some of his mistakes. The press conference is likely to finish in a couple of weeks.

January 12th 2009

Mother-in-law
President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, is moving into the White House. Apparently Obama invited her, especially when heard that those who live in the White House age faster.

President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, is moving into the White House. Apparently that will help Obama not to start drinking alcohol, because you don’t want to see double when your mother-in-law lives with you.

Bush
President George W. Bush took his last official Air Force One flight on Saturday. Things are not the same since Obama won the elections, Bush was charged for the pillow and the blanket.

George W. Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday confirmed that he's planning on writing a book. He said he wants be realized as a person; he already had kids, he’ll write a book and he killed thousands of trees due to poor environmental laws.

George W. Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday confirmed that he's planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he’ll use a ghost writer because if it is about his presidency it’ll be a horror book.

In the news
A married teacher has been charged after allegedly having sex with a 13-year-old schoolboy more than 300 times. He was her pet student: a rabbit.

Michael Jordan launched his new Nike Air Jordan sneaker the Air Jordan 2009. Nike is trying to regain terrain in the shoe industry, especially after the market became dominated by the shoes of the Iraqi Reporter 2008.

A study says that women can smell a man's intentions. Especially when your husband smells of shower and cologne, it is obvious he is going to have an affair.

POP babe Rachel Stevens has sparked fury by admitting she failed her driving test because she was drunk. She apologized and said she did it because that’s the way she’ll be driving all the time.

An atomic physicist invented self-adjusting eye glasses, which let you adjust the focus of the lenses as you need it. You can adjust them to go blind as a bat when you’re with your wife, and have 20/20 vision when you are at the beach.

Singer R Kelly got divorced Thursday. Ironically his wife wasn’t pissed; they probably got divorced because somebody else got pissed.

White House reporters for The New York Times predict that if Obama’s stimulus plan "doesn’t work out, he may very well be a one-term president. They shouldn’t worry; The New York Times won’t probably be there to cover the second term.

Only 5,000 portable toilets will be available at the presidential inauguration day despite the fact that more than 4,000,000 are expected to attend the event. 5000 toilets for 4,000,000 people? What’s the problem, said Larry Craig, we can all share…

Massachusetts wants fast food restaurants to post meal calories. And today McDonalds asked New York’s mayor to borrow the national debt clock to show the calories of the Double Quarter Pounder.

George H.W. Bush publicly urged his son Jeb Bush to run for president on Fox News Sunday last weekend. The future slogan of Jeb’s campaign: Three is a charm….

U.S. scientists have found a way to levitate tiny objects. The government contacted them to use the device to levitate the dollar.

A man in Alaska, who had given CPR to his dog, had a series of strokes at vet where he has taken his dog. Apparently he suffered the strokes when the vet asked him if he realized where the dog has put his tongue.

January 9th 2009

Friday leftovers.... Rough week, but jokes started to come up. If you want to send me a comment, and idea, a suggestion please e-mail me at pedrobartes@hotmail.com
You all have a great weekend.

A Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that only eighteen percent of Americans will miss President Bush when he leaves office. I didn’t know there were so many comedians in the US…

A Wall Street Journal poll said Tuesday that only 18% of Americans will miss President Bush when he leaves office. The other 82% want him missing.

The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight recruits. The new recruits can’t wait to invade Hamburg.

Oprah Winfrey's show about her recent weight gain was the third-highest rated episode of the season. And today NBC announced a special with Rosie O’ Donnell, Al Gore and Michael Moore.

After the success of the meeting between President Bush, Obama and all the living ex-presidents, the idea is that they will meet more than once a week… At least that’s what Bill Clinton told Hillary…

A Mary Kay woman that went to a house where nobody answered got offended and defecated in its porch. When asked about it, she claimed she just left a Mary Kay sample.

According to a recent survey, 35% of workers didn't get a raise last year. The other 65% got fired.

January 8th 2009

Presidential Lunch
During the meeting between President Bush, Obama and all the living former presidents, Bill Clinton told President Bush that he loves the rug of the Oval office. If only I had a penny for every time Clinton said that close to a bush...

During the meeting between President Bush, Obama and all the living former presidents, Bill Clinton told President Bush that he loves the rug. And Bush asked “Where’s Biden?”

President Bush invited Obama and all the living ex-presidents for lunch. It was hard to find somebody that wanted to sit next to Bush senior because all claimed they were wearing new suits.

President Bush invited Obama and all the living ex-presidents for lunch. It was quite uncomfortable when President Bush refused to sit at the kids’ table.

Oprah
Oprah Winfrey did a show about her latest problem with gaining weight. Apparently, the problem is that before, she used to tell her audience “you got a car, you got a car, and you got a car.” Lately, she’s been saying “you get me a burger, you get me a burger, and you get me a burger...”


Aretha Franklin will be performing at Obama’s Presidential Inauguration in Washington DC. Apparently, it was a request from Oprah Winfrey so she wouldn't look that fat on stage.

In the news
ABC debuted a new reality show called “Homeland Security USA,” which follows real Border Patrol agents dealing with their daily activities at the border. The show is guaranteed to be a hit, with the 12 million illegals living in the US trying to see if they made it on TV.

According to doctors at Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital in England golf is bad for your hearing, especially after putting up with your wife’s shouting when you get home drunk.

A 27-year-old woman in London found out that she actually has two complete set of female reproductive organs. Her husband said he always suspected that, especially considering how she behaves that time of the month.

Police in Australia are looking for a guy who breaks into sex shops and has sex with blow up dolls. Police suspects the guy must be really good, because so far none of the blow up dolls has wanted to testify.

According to estimates, the average Mexican chews about 2.6 pounds of gum a year... hoping that one of the balloons they make with the gum would be big enough to help them cross the border.

Paris Hilton said she plans to have babies within the next two years. She is already holding daily tryouts.

A British company called Lok8u has just come out with a new wristwatch for kids that's equipped with a GPS tracking device. The most difficult part is trying to convince your kid that wristwatches are still cool.

Joe the Plumber is heading to Israel to serve as a war correspondent. His first report is dramatic, especially the part when he says that 70 % of the toilets are clogged.

January 7th 2009

Senate Democrats denied Roland Burris the vacated Senate seat of President-elect Barack Obama of Illinois. In solidarity, Larry Craig immediately offered Burris to seat him on his lap for the rest of the season.

Roland Burris, the man appointed by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to assume Barack Obama's Senate seat, said he doesn’t want to play the race card to be allowed in the senate. In fact, he’s willing to sit at the back if they let him in.

President-elect Barack Obama has offered the job of surgeon general to doctor Sanjay Gupta, a neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS. That buried all the rumors about Obama giving that position to Doctor Dre.

Paula Abdul will reportedly launch a daytime talk show. I believe it’s called “Intervention.”

The Boy Scouts are launching a campaign to draw more Latino members. Apparently, now old ladies not only need help to cross the street, but also the border.

Scientists say that human hair makes great fertilizer. I planted some of Donald Trump’s and I harvested several squirrels.

According to several plastic surgeons, the bad economy has reduced the number of breast implants. So now, if you want to see big boobs, you have to see those who manage the country’s economy.

There’s a global competition in internet where people can vote for the new 7 wonders of Nature. So far, in the lead, Scarlet Johansen’s rack.

"Twilight" stud, Robert Pattison, told the media that up until he was 12, his sisters used to dress him as a girl. Apparently, after 12, he learned to do it himself.

Joe Biden went to the movie theater Saturday but couldn’t get in because tickets were sold out. Actually, there were several tickets still available, but no theater owner in his right mind would let chatty Biden in.

Press secretary Dana Perino said Tuesday that President Bush started the process of moving out of the White House. You might see some big trucks outside the White House carrying Bush’s furniture and a tiny box carrying Bush’s library.

Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. Apparently, he makes way more money making babies.

Levi Johnston, the teenager planning to marry Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol, has quit his North Slope oil field job. He will still be doing some drilling, but not in the oil fields anymore.

A Spanish referee handed out 19 red cards in a single soccer game. He was immediately contacted by some American companies to take care of the layoffs.

A seventy-year-old woman held a home intruder at gunpoint until police arrived. Police let the intruder free for being nice enough not to tell the old lady that actually she was holding a tube of Bengay.

January 6th 2008

Burris
Roland Burris, the senator appointed by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, told the media Monday that he should be allowed to become senator because his election was perfectly legal, and he has the receipt to prove it.

Obama
Obama promised low-income Americans a huge tax cut. Technically, it is not a tax cut; it’s more like we all get to write off the $700 billion dollars we donated to big bankrupted companies.

Sex surveys
According to a survey, one in three women has faked an orgasm. The other two have faked the answer.

According to a survey, one in three women has faked an orgasm. When they answered if they had faked an orgasm, they said “yes, yes, yes, oh, yes….”

According to a new poll by the Guttmacher Institute, about one out of three teenagers expressed regret about the first time they had sex. The other two got the A the teacher promised.

According to a new study by Fritha Milne, from the University of Western Australia, younger sisters tend to lose their virginity earlier than first-born girls do, usually with the boyfriends of the oldest sister.

Researchers in Japan have just discovered that young people who miss their breakfast tend to lose their virginity earlier in life. Apparently, they need to make up for the lack of eggs and sausages in the early morning.

Cars
Chrysler said Monday its December sales dropped 53 percent. Apparently the only cars they sold were used to test crash dummies.

In the news
Marilyn Manson turned 40 yesterday. He didn’t know if he was going to get a Porsche or menopause.

Bushes
Former President George H.W. Bush said that he'd like to see his son Jeb become president of the United States some day. He dreams Jeb can finish what he started and George W continued: the total destruction of the country.

Bush's 18-year-old pet cat "Willie" has died. Is it a coincidence that today President Bush was considering a pardon for Barney?

January 5th 2008

Hey everybody, welcome back... I hope you all had a great begining of the year. I managed to write some jokes, but it'll take a while to get back in the groove so be patient and bear with me.....hopefully this year is going to be quite funny.... Pedro

In the news
A baby was born on a Northwest Airlines Flight. Apparently, her mom boarded the plane when she was 5 months pregnant.

Despite the denial from Michael Jackson's camp, rumors are the King of Pop is suffering from a life-threatening lung ailment, apparently, due to second-hand baby powder.

Police in Finland believe they have caught a car thief thanks to a DNA sample taken from a sample of his blood found inside a mosquito that had bitten him. This is bad news for all politicians, because if we’re going to start using bloodsuckers as evidence, they will spend most of their time testifying.

Much of downtown Aspen was evacuated and New Year's Eve celebrations were canceled after suspicious packages were found at two banks. Apparently, the packages were considered suspicious because they contained traces of money.

Anniversary
Cubans celebrated 50 years of the communism victory over capitalism. Americans, only a couple of weeks.

Virginity
Researchers in Japan have just discovered that young people who dislike their mother tend to lose their virginity earlier in life. I guess Bristol is among the half of the country that hates her mom.

Palins
Former vide presidential candidate Sarah Palin told people magazine that her 18-year-old daughter Britstol, who has just given birth, is working her butt off to be a mom and going to school at the same time. Actually, if she had worked more the butt, she would have avoided the pregnancy.

Sarah Palin has been chosen as the most desirable neighbor by Americans. Apparently, they didn’t talk to the Russians, who know how annoying she and her family are.

Obama
During his vacation in Hawaii, president-elect Obama proved to be a really bad golf player, raising doubts again about his heritage. Where have you seen a black guy with no swing?

A picture of president Barack Obama wearing shorts and no shirt popped last week. And yes, it is confirmed; the future US president is leaning left.

Charles Barkley
Former Phoenix Suns player Charles Barkley was arrested in Scottsdale on suspicion of DUI . . . proving he is really serious about his future political endeavors.

Former Phoenix Suns player Charles Barkley was arrested in Scottsdale on suspicion of DUI. That wasn't the only bad news; he also lost $2,000,000 to the cop that arrested him after betting on the number of the alcohol level he was going to get on the breathalyzer.

Ford
Ford announced that in 2010 they will release a car that parallel parks itself. The drawback is that, like most Fords, the car spends most of its time parked due to engine problems.

Ford announced that in 2010 they will release a car that parallel parks itself. Unfortunately, it is useless in New York because there are no places to park it.

Politics
Gov. Rod Blagojevich appointed former Illinois Attorney General Roland Burris to the U.S. Senate, making Blagojevich the only person that was able to sell something this holiday.

Bill Clinton is being considered to replace his wife as a senator of New York, making it the first time Bill is interested in Hillary’s seat.

Hillary Clinton was named the most powerful woman in the world. Unfortunately, she lost to Obama as the most powerful man in the world.