August 31st 2006

Ernesto
Some meteorologists warned that this Hurricane season is not over yet and the worst is to come. Apparently they saw Ernesto and lots of hurricanes crossing the border in a van.

According to meteorologists, Ernesto wasn’t as big of a threat as some people in Florida expected. Apparently Ernesto had papers and was legal.

Hurricane John threatens to devastate several tourist places of Mexico. Mexicans say they are not that concerned about it, after all the hurricane cannot do more damage that Americans students during spring break.

Bush
A British public broadcaster channel shot a controversial documentary about the fictional assassination of the president of the United States. It happens while Bush walks out of the White house and a sniper kills Dick Cheney.

A British public broadcaster channel shot a controversial documentary about the fictional assassination of president Bush. Apparently Bush goes hunting with Dick Cheney and the rest is history.

The Bush administration wants to completely reshape their image to improve their chances in the midterm elections. Karl Rove said that it has to be a drastic change so he called Kenny Rogers and Joan Rivers' plastic surgeons.

Shrinking
A promotional picture of Katie Couric was digitally doctored to make the news anchor look a lot thinner. The Bush administration immediately called the photographer to see if he can do the same with the fiscal deficit.

Thanks to digital airbrushing, incoming CBS anchor Katie Couric appears significantly thinner in a network promotional magazine photo. The picture has had some negative effects because they already lost one viewer: Bill Clinton

Thanks to digital airbrushing, Rosie O’Donnel appears significantly thinner in a publicity photo for the new version of "The View" . According to the photographer it was just an accident because he was actually trying to shrink Barbara Walter’s ego.

Baldness
British scientist reported that they might have discovered the cure for baldness. They claim that so far the only side effect known is lots of sweating, which is not clear if it comes with the treatment or all the sex we are going to have when are hair grows back.

In other news.....
Last Tuesday, Fox News had Don King and Richard Simmons as post Katrina experts. Neil Cavutto said that the two guests commented on Katrina not as experts but as citizens of this country, and they were invited as experts on national security for their knowledge on hair gel and make up.

Ticketmaster said about 1,000 tickets for dates on Barbra Streisand's national tour aren't valid because they were bought with stolen credit cards. Apparently all the tickets were bought by Republicans that don’t dare say they like Barbra Streisand.

August 30th 2006

Journalists
The Two Fox News journalists freed by militants Sunday said they were blindfolded, tied in painful positions and forced at gunpoint to make videos. And that was when they used to work for Bill O’Reilly....

Debate
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President George W. Bush to a live television debate. During a press conference Tony Snow confessed that the Bush administration fears that our enemies now seem to know our weaknesses.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President George W. Bush to a live television debate. Some of the big networks said the debate would not be TV friendly because of the need of a translator... to understand what Bush is trying to say.

Outfits
The Morton High School Principal told 128 students to return home because they were wearing what she considered inappropriate outfits. Apparently the students’ clothes were not provocative enough for the teachers.

Germs everywhere.
A recent survey said that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. A no so recent survey said that cell phones have more germs than a toilet seat . So if both the steering wheels and the cell phones have more germs than a toilet seat why do we still compare everything with toilet seats?

A recent survey said that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat . Maybe that’s why lots of people need to be drunk to dare drive or drive with their knees.......

According to a study by the University of Arizona the absolute worst place for germs in the workplace are classrooms. That is why teachers prefer to have sex with their students in the car or their homes.

According to a study by the University of Arizona the absolute worst place for germs in the workplace are classrooms. From now onwards students’ excuses will vary from: "sorry a gigantic cockroach ate my homework", to "sorry an enormous rat chewed on my paper"

In other news....
The Olsen twins are selling one of their homes for $4 million. You see, when you are anorexic and don’t eat anything you get to save a lot of money.

Paris Hilton’s new album did very poorly in its first week of sales. Oh well, there it goes her plans of celibacy......
Paris Hilton’s new album did not sell as well as she expected. Her manager advised her to stick to what she does best, videos.

TV host Tucker Carlson said during his show that polygamist and pedophile Warren Steed Jeff should not have been placed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list because Jeff was not trying to undermine America. Boulder Colorado Officials demanded a DNA sample from Carlson.

August 29th 2006

Buchanan
Pat Buchanan has a new book out where he says that the Mexican government is plotting to reconquest the American territories formerly under its control. Apparently the Mexican government is basing their decision on a report from the Mexican Homeland security that says the US has weapons of mass destruction.

Brown
Former FEMA director Michael Brown gave an interview to Playboy magazine where he shared everything that happened during the Katrina disaster. Some people are questioning the magazine he chose to speak out, but according to Hugh Hefner , owner of Playboy, if there’s someone that knows how to leave people with nothing to wear that is Michael Brown

DNA
According to the DNA evidence , John Mark Karr didn't kill JonBenet. The Bush administration said they now have another suspect: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's

Tara Reid
Tara Reid was denied admittance to a famous Hollywood club, but her former friend Paris Hilton came by and was let inside. According to the club manager they didn’t let Tara in because that was a free bar night and they didn’t want to go bankrupt.

There’s a video circulating on the internet where you can see Tara Reid being denied entrance to a famous Hollywood club whereas her former friend Paris Hilton had no problem to get in. Several rehab-centers requested that video to use it as a PSA against drinking.

August 28th 2006

Ernesto
Hurricane Ernesto hit Cuba today. According to the National Hurricane Center if Ernesto picks up speed and continues moving to Florida it means Fidel Castro is healthy.

The National Hurricane Center estimated that Hurricane Ernesto might hit the coast of Florida this Tuesday. The New York Yankees and the Mets scouts are already there.

On its way to Florida Hurricane Ernesto reduced its speed to almost 50 mph. According to the National Hurricane Center even Hurricanes are following tips to save gas.

Pat Buchanan

Pro-Latino groups are saying that Pat Buchanan’s new book is hateful towards them and it was released at this time on purpose to hurt the chances of a comprehensive immigration reform to be passed in Congress. Buchanan claimed that he wanted to be done with the book earlier but the darn gardeners and their noisy leaf-blowers didn’t let him concentrate.

On his latest book, Pat Buchanan says illegal immigration from poor and developing countries will ruin the United States. At least he doesn’t need to be detained for drunken-driving to know who he hates.

Emmys
NBC network might be in trouble for opening the Emmy telecast with a plane crash sketch just hours after a plane crashed in Kentucky killing 49 people. Executives claimed they had already prepared the sketch before the accident and were about to postpone it but they thought is NBC and nobody is watching.

NBC network might be in trouble for opening the Emmy telecast with a plane crash sketch just hours after a plane crashed in Kentucky killing 49 people. Other thing that might be crashing after this: Conan’s career.

After watching some of the faces at the Emmys, don’t you wish they would also confiscate all make-up before any award ceremony?

Most of the reporters said that this Emmy Awards ceremony was one of the most confusing in history. They still don’t know if the person reporting from the red carpet was Joan Rivers, or Barry Manilow, if the one that sung in honor of Dick Clark was Joan Rivers or Kenny Rogers, or if the one that received an Emmy was Barry Mallow or Farrah Fawcett.

In other News ...

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that the U.S. "catch-and-release" immigration policy has officially ended. From now onwards illegal immigrants in the U.S. will not be released immediately after they are caught.. Shouldn’t we do the same with members of congress?

People Magazine is reporting that Kevin Federline is filming a guest-starring role on TV's top-rated drama CSI. Kevin will be playing a serial killer who thinks he is Vanilla Ice and kills rap music.

August 27th 2006

Sunday's New.......
Pat Buchanan has a new book out where he says that the Mexican government is plotting to reconquest the American territories formerly under its control. The Bush administration said they are aware of this plot and are working very hard to leave nothing to reconquest.

According to a survey tall people are smarter than short people; they are smart enough to become NBA basketball players and make millions rather than teachers and make nothing.

A college student was arrested Friday after explosives residue was detected on him while he passed through customs at Houston's Bush Intercontinental Airport. The student claims he got the dynamite in Bolivia while touring a mine. Security officials were shocked by the discovery because you are only supposed to bring cocaine from Bolivia.

The annual Miss America pageant will return to the Las Vegas Strip for its 2007 contest. The famous Vegas slogan "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" will never be more appropriate for a show nobody will watch on TV.

Air America Radio is moving in the dial to 1600 AM in New York city. That is the only chance liberals have to be close to the White House.

August 25th 2006

Holocaust Cartoons Contest
Iran is staging an "International Holocaust Cartoons” Contest and so far they have received 1,100 pictures to compete for the grand prize: dinner with a celebrity… Mel Gibson...

Iran is staging an "International Holocaust Cartoons” Contest and so far they have received 1,100 pictures to compete for the grand prize. 1,099 entries came from Malibu California.

Pluto
According to the International Astronomical Union we don’t have nine planets anymore because Pluto has been demoted. During a press conference Tony Snow admitted that the Bush administration is working on having a ninth planet again but with conservative values.

Leading astronomers demoted Pluto and called it a dwarf. Apparently he is not gonna be working with Mickey anymore but rather with Snow White.

In other news…
A series of explosions rocked a military bomb recycling plant at a National Guard base in northwestern Louisiana and more than 1,000 people had to be evacuated from nearby schools. Apparently security didn’t react that fast because they thought the noise of the explosions and gunshots were coming from the school.

Wal-Mart has opened a communist branch in China. I wonder; is everything in those stores going to be the same price then?

According to a CNN poll less than half of Americans believe the United States is now safer from terrorism than it was before September 11, 2001. Apparently the poll was done after Paris Hilton announced the release of her upcoming album.

August 24th 2006

Immigration
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that the U.S. "catch-and-release" immigration policy has officially ended. From now onwards illegal immigrants in the U.S. will not be released; they will be held until they can be deported to their home countries. What Homeland Security hasn’t figured out yet is the "Catching" part.

According to a recent survey almost 95% of the population in West Virginia is white. The survey also discovered that white Virginia baseball sucks.

Swift Boat
According to reporters, the Bush administration has called the swift Boats veterans again, not to attack any Democratic candidate but to ask them to report for duty in Iraq.

John Karr
John Mark Karr's relatives became his agents and will represent him in media deals to obtain money to pay for his trial. Apparently they already got an offer for John Mark Karr. Considering he is white, skinny and a pervert, he could star in the Michael Jackson’s biography.

Porn in Hotels
A coalition of 13 conservative groups is asking federal authorities to investigate if porn in hotel rooms could be considered a crime. It is not confirmed yet if by crime they are referring to the obscene material or the $12 dollars they charge per movie.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups is targeting hotel-room pornography. They claim it is not family-friendly to stay in a hotel where porn is available, and they are also tired of finding sticky curtains.

Scare Tactics
This upcoming September seems to be very prolific musically; Paris Hilton, Janet Jackson, Clay Aiken and Justin Timberlake among others are releasing new albums. The Democratic Party complained to the media and said that this is just another of the usual Republican scare tactics before the elections.

Survivor
In the upcoming season of the TV show "Survivor", contestants will be divided into four tribes by ethnicity. Host Jeff Probst said the idea is not racist and will reflect society, the White tribe will hire the Latino tribe to build their shelter cheaply, the Asian Tribe to do their laundry and the Black Tribe to sell them drugs.

Politicians are enraged by the possibility that the TV show survivor would divide the contestants into Whites, Blacks, Latinos and Asians. Republican congressional candidate Tramm Hudson said that this idea is disgraceful and totally unfair because we all know Black people cannot swim.

In the upcoming season of the TV show "Survivor", contestants will be divided into four tribes by ethnicity: I just hope this is not like prison where we have the Blacks, the Latinos, the Asians and the Whites... supremacists

Producers of the TV show survivor claim that their idea of dividing the contestants into tribes according to their ethnicity is not racist. They suggested that if this show does well in the ratings they will start the recruiting for next season. They will get Latinos from a Baseball team, Asians from a math club, Blacks from an NBA team, and Whites from the Republican party.

August 23rd 2006

Math Award
Grigory Perelman, a Russian mathematician was one of four mathematicians awarded the Fields Medal today for a theory that basically says you cannot transform a doughnut shape into a sphere without ripping it. I disagree, this morning my bowel movement did it; it changed a doughnut into a sphere.

Snakes in a Theater
Two live diamondback rattlesnakes were released in an Arizona movie theater during a showing of the new film "Snakes on a Plane". The owner of the movie theater didn’t want to remove the snakes until they had eaten all the rats that reside there.

Back to Amsterdam
A Northwest Airlines plane was forced to turn back to Amsterdam, but officials gave no further details about it. Apparently the confusion started when someone heard a passenger say there was a bomb in the plane; the passenger had actually said there was a bong in the plane.

McCain
Republican Sen. John McCain faulted the Bush administration for misleading Americans into believing the conflict would be "some kind of day at the beach.” Well, we know who was in charge of building the sandcastles… Halliburton.

Republican Sen. John McCain faulted the Bush administration for misleading Americans into believing the conflict would be "some kind of day at the beach.” Maybe that is why we sent soldiers armed only with sun screen protection, and no helmets, rucksack or gloves.

Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan said he is cool with people downloading music illegally. Of course people that listen to his music have not discovered yet the CD’s, let alone a computer.

Little League World Series
One of the attractions for the Little League World Series is the first baseman for Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, who stands an imposing 6-foot-8. He almost couldn’t play because when Bush heard a 6-foot-8 player playing for Saudi Arabia, he thought they had finally caught Bin Laden and sent officials to hide him until before the elections.

August 22nd 2006

John Mark Karr
The media reported that John Mark Karr received the royal treatment on his flight to Los Angeles. Apparently pilots were pretty much upset about it, not because a creepy murder suspect was treated like a king on their flight, but because he drunk all their wine.

Cable reporters are having a feast covering the whereabouts of John Mark Karr during his staying in Bangkok. Fox News mentioned that Karr was a teacher there; CNN reported that he lived alone; and Rita Cosbi talked about a possible sex change operation...... hers.

Immigration
Border police reported that Illegal immigrants are now using bicycles to cross the Arizona desert. They couldn’t figure out yet how illegals are able to fit 20 of them in the little basket of the bicycle.

In his latest book, Pat Buchanan said that the country of Mexico has a plan to get back the lands lost by Mexico in the Mexican-American War. According to Buchanan, Mexican kids don’t celebrate their birthdays slamming a piñata just to keep a cultural tradition; they do it because they are training for the future Mexican army.

411 Info
A survey finds that the number one most requested info from 411 is phone numbers for pizza stores. The second number most requested: Heart Surgeons.

A survey finds that the number one most requested info from 411 is phone numbers for pizza stores. Scientists arrived to the conclusion that pot makes people lose their memory.

Hillary
According to a study by the Arkansas State University the more money a woman makes the more likely she is to divorce. Now we understand why Hillary gets so many anonymous donations to run for president, they probably come from Bill.

Party School of the Year
The University of Texas was voted the top party school of the year. Nobody knew that the University of Texas had such a political tradition.

Bin Laden
According to a former writer for "The Days of Our Lives", Bin Laden was obsessed with Whitney Houston. Bin laden and Bobby Brown have something in common, only 1 hit made them famous and then, they both disappeared.

August 21st 2006

John Mark Karr
Boulder Colorado Investigators said they got John Mark Karr liquored up during his flight to the US to get the suspect loose to talk more about the crime. Apparently after a couple of bottles, John Mark Karr confessed he hates Jews and called the flight attendant sugar t*%@$

The media started to believe that John Mark Karr's confession in the JonBenet Ramsey’s crime is part of an elaborate hoax to be famous and are questioning his extradition to the US. Boulder Colorado investigators admitted that they know he didn’t kill JonBennet but he is definitely guilty of murdering the fashion industry wearing his pants up to his chest.

JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr received the royal treatment on his flight to Los Angeles sipping champagne and eating pate, salad with walnut dressing and fried king prawn. Apparently after hearing the news OJ confessed he killed Nicole.

Terrorists Attacks
British passengers refused to allow their flight to take off until two men they feared would bring their plane down were forcibly removed. They were not referring to terrorist suspects but rather to the two drunk pilots that were supposed to fly their plane.

Racial slur
Republican congressional candidate Tramm Hudson apologized Thursday for making derogatory comments about the swimming ability of blacks. He claimed he didn’t mean to say Blacks couldn’t save a soldier who had fallen into a river in Panama 22 years ago because they don’t know how to swim, what he really wanted to say was that the Mexicans saved the Soldier because they can cross a river faster than a speedboat.

Snakes on a plane
Movie critics are shocked that the internet buzz can make a movie as bad as "Snakes on a Plane" number one in the box office. Well, if the internet bloggers can make a rich silver spoon, politically inexperienced candidate like Lamont be the democratic candidate for Connecticut, anything is possible.

Surveys
Time magazine is doing an online survey to see if people hate or love Hilary Clinton. First votes were cast and the majority said people hated Hilary, but the magazine discarded the accuracy of the poll because all the votes came from the same computer: Bill’s.

According to a recent survey, lefties are more successful and make more money than right handed people, which is inversely proportional to politics.

A new study has found that American salespeople are the most "ethically challenged" salespeople in the world, so much so they sold to the entire country that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and that Bush was a good president.

August 18th 2006

Bush
In a private meeting with members of Parliament, the British deputy prime minister said that Bush is crap. Tony Snow said Bush was not offended about the comment because the word crap derives from the term "macaca" which is a variation of the word Mohawk, or a very likable nick name among friends.

Mel Gibson
Actor Mel Gibson pleaded no contest to a charge of drunken driving and will have to serve three years' probation, pay a fine and attend alcohol rehabilitation classes. The actor wanted to fight the charges but he couldn’t find any good Jewish lawyer that wanted to represent him.

Mel Gibson pleaded no contest and will have to serve 3 years probation and pay a fine. Reporters are not sure if it was for the drunken driving charges or the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers.

Hezbollah
Hezbollah's offering cash to help the Lebanese people rebuild after the war with Israel. The Mayor of New Orleans immediately gathered his people and suggested to change the name of the city to "New Lebanon."

Hezbollah is giving cash to help the Lebanese people rebuild after the war with Israel. Unfortunately people are using the money for unnecessary trips, “Girls Gone Wild” videos and a sex change operation to become a man.

Snakes on a plane
Long lines gathered at movie theaters for the release of "Snakes on a Plane", not because it was such a great movie but because it was everybody’s chance to be close to a plane without getting a cavity search.

Long lines of frustrated people were seen outside movie theaters that showed "Snakes on a Plane." Apparently security was confiscating any kind of liquids that were not bought in the concession stands inside the movie theater.

In other news.......
According to a survey, 46 percent of teens said they had been to parties where drinking and the use of marijuana, cocaine, ``ecstasy,'' and prescription medications, had occurred in the presence of parents. Apparently the survey was conducted among Lindsay Lohan’s friends.

August 17th 2006

Iranian president.
The Iranian President registered his own web site this Monday. Apparently after the cease-fire, Iran has to look for creative ways to sell those katyusha rockets.

The Iranian President registered his own web site this Monday. So far the web site’s getting hit only by the Bush Administration.

White House shooting
Former NBA player Lonny Baxter was arrested by the secret service after shots were fired from a vehicle near the White House. Apparently security became suspicious because gunshots are not common when Cheney is on vacation.

Former NBA player Lonny Baxter was arrested by the secret service after shots were fired from a vehicle near the White House. It is not confirmed but the NBA player is thought to be mad at the Bush administration for having his $300 sneakers confiscated by a security screener at the airport.

Airport security
According to a survey, Americans are trying to relate to people by becoming members of different clubs. The only club loosing members is the Mile-High club since airlines are confiscating the lube from carry-on luggages.

Fighter jets escorted a London-to-Washington, D.C., flight to Boston's Logan airport Wednesday after a female passenger caused a disturbance. Authorities revealed they are not prepared yet for that-time-of-the-month-type-of-terrorist-attacks.

Starbugs!
Starbucks employees in New York claim that their stores are bug infested and owners are doing nothing about it. The company strongly denied the allegations and used their airtime to promote their new drinks: Cioccolata Mouse Frappuccino, and Rat-a Latte

Starbucks employees in New York claim that their stores are bug infested and owners are doing nothing about it. Apparently the roaches, rats and other vermin come double grande, with extra foam and fat .

In other news....
Nicolle Richie said she is sick and tired of being called skinny. That is what the media believed she said because it is hard to understand her when she talks with 2 fingers in her mouth.

Jazz singer Tony Bennet is turning 80 this week, His hair only 35.

A man suspected in the slaying of 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey was arrested, to what OJ said: I told you so.........

August 16th 2006

Lamont
Hezbollah members gathered in the streets of Lebanon to celebrate. Reporters were not sure weather they were celebrating the cease-fire or the Lamont victory in the Connecticut primaries

The Iranian President registered his own web address and began writing a daily blog calling for the destruction of Israel, the United States and the vote for Lamont in Conecticut.

NASA
NASA officials admitted they lost the tapes of man’s first landing on the moon. They think it is gonna be hard to recreate it because going to the moon is a long trip to make with no water, shampoo or hair gel aboard.

NASA officials no longer know the whereabouts of the original tapes of man's first landing on the moon nearly 40 years ago. They said not to be worried because the kept the set of the original shooting intact.

Immigration survey
According to a recent survey almost 95% of the population in West Virginia is white. After hearing the news Lou Dobbs packed his stuff, bought a house, and moved there.

According to a recent survey almost 95% of the population in West Virginia is white. In West Virginia those Latinos at the Home Depot are not there waiting to be picked up; they are just tourist attractions.

According to new data from the U.S. Census Bureau, the immigrant population is up to 12.4%. Apparently, since Mexican channels started broadcasting "Desperate Housewives," everybody dreams of coming here to work as a gardener for those saucy girls.

Angriest city
According to Men’s Health Magazine, Orlando Florida is the angriest city in America. The survey is not that accurate, considering that it was done after the fact that Fidel Castro had not died became known.

According to Men’s Health Magazine, Orlando Florida is the angriest city in America. The reason? Try putting up with foreigners with heavy accents asking you all day long where Mickey Mouse is.

Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart posted its first profit decline in a decade blaming their large bills for fuel and utilities. Apparently the high price of gas was making it impossible to fill the vans to smuggle illegals to work for them.

In other news
Katie Couric says people tell her they want the network evening news to be an hour instead of just 30 minutes. According to a survey most of the people want the other half done in question form and starting with what or who.

Britney Spears is shopping for a new home in Santa Barbara. She said she is looking for the perfect location… near a liqueur store and a seven eleven.

Bill Clinton says he hates turning 60 because doctors put too many restriction on him. The one he resents the most is the advice of staying away from fat.

August 15th 2006

Middle East
During a press conference reporters asked Bush who had won in the Middle East after the cease-fire. The president responded that he had talked to the prime minister of Israel and that they were happy with the deal but that he didn’t know what Hezbollah members thought about it because he had not talked to Lamont.

Oil prices fell Tuesday as the market responded to a cease-fire in the Middle East. After hearing the news Dick Cheney packed his hunting gear and headed for Lebanon.

After the cease-fire in Lebanon, Israelis as well as Hezbollah said they felt victorious. The Palestinians returning to their bombed houses? Not so much

Hezbollah members gathered in the streets of Lebanon to celebrate. Reporters were not sure weather they were celebrating the cease-fire or the Lamont victory in the Connecticut primaries

Terror attacks
Right media pundits were invigorated and really eager to tell their listeners that British authorities had foiled a terrorist plot. They were so excited that Rush Limbaugh didn’t even need to take Viagra that day.

As a way to make up for the troubles of the new ban on water and the long checking lines, some airlines are giving their passengers aboard an unlimited supply of salty peanuts. The problem is they sell the bottle of water for $200 bucks.

Democrats are saying that the new restrictions to board planes are being used by Republicans to make people afraid. Republicans denied that and said that the fact that people have to get rid of shampoos, hair gels, make up, or spray before they board the plane is not being used for this administration to institute fear but to know who is gay and who’s not.

Bush
During a press conference, President Bush insisted that his administration would stay the course in Iraq, quite ironical for someone that had a hard time to stay in any course in school for more than 10 minutes

August 14th 2006

Kim Jong-Il
According to the official North Korean news agency the biggest movie of the summer is not Pirate of the Caribbean but "Diary of a student Girl," a movie directed by North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Il. The movie was supposed to hit video stores last week but it missed.

Hillary
A bust of Hillary Clinton was unveiled this week at the Museum of Sex in Manhattan. According to the creator of the piece, she wanted to make the entire body but run out of material when she started doing Hillary’s ankles.

Terror Plot
A British Airways flight from London to New York turned around mid-flight and returned to London's Heathrow airport after a mobile phone started ringing. Apparently everybody assumed there were terrorists on board because the phone had a Dixie Chick song as a ring tone.

Checking lines at airports are longer than ever after the terror plot foiled in London. This is the first time that the checking line is longer than the line of pilots waiting to be served at the bar of the airport.

The airlines are not allowing any kind of shampoos, hair gels, make up, or spray in carry on bags. From now onwards Ryan Seacrest is only traveling by Greyhound buses.

August 13th 2006

Terror attack (I know, I know, it looks like a Foxnews headline....)
Right media pundits were invigorated and really eager to tell their listeners that British authorities had foiled a terrorist plot. They were so excited that Rush Limbaugh didn’t even need to take Viagra that day.

According to the British police, terrorist were going to attack planes on the air with some sort of explosive liquids. Experts are not sure yet but they believe the terrorists got the idea from Floid Landis’ urine sample at the tour of France.

Republicans are telling Americans that Democrats are not ready to defend this country, and would not know how to stop a terrorist attack. Senator Kennedy disagreed and said that if there’s someone that knows about liquids and getting bombed that is his family.

A lot of people are quite upset because they can’t take shampoos, water, or deodorants in their carry-on bags. The only ones with a smile at the checking lines at the airports are the French.

Bush
President Bush left his ranch to headline a barbecue that raised money for some Republican candidates. Apparently the president was away for a couple of days so he left the keys of the ranch with his new neighbor Cindy.

President Bush received the news of a foiled terrorist plot while headlining a barbecue to raise money for Republican candidates. Despite the seriousness of the news the president stayed for a little while to finish reading the Ann Coulter book to the Republican donors.

Middel East
Today Israel and Hezbollah welcomed the news of a possible cease fire with one of the heaviest and bloodiest combat of the month-long conflict. According to the U. N. Security Council the cease-fire will take effect this Monday morning unless Israel and Hezbollah run out of ammunition first.

Fidel Castro
There was a total blackout in Cuba the same day Fidel Castro celebrated his birthday. Apparently Fidel borrowed all the candles that light the city for his 80th- birthday cake.

Britney's baby
Britney Spears’ eleven-month-old son took his first steps earlier this week. Apparently the little kid was trying to run away from his mom.

Britney Spears’ eleven-month-old son took his first steps earlier this week. According to Britney the baby started to walk after she had decided to take him for a ride in the car.

Britney and Kevin s’ baby took his first steps earlier this week. Kevin was really proud and said the kid is going to be like the father because the baby walked straight to the couch.

August 10th 2006

Lieberman
Mel gibson apologized again for his anti-Semite remarks but said he was partially right when he stated Jews are the cause of most wars. He claimed he didn’t mean the war in the Middle East or past wars, he meant the war in the democratic party caused by Joe Lieberman.

Terror Attack
England foiled a terror plot against Britain and the US. Democrats raised their alert system to red, November red........

The Transportation Security Administration today said it is imposing a policy that forbids liquids or gels. Apparently that policy caused a commotion among pilots who were afraid their alcohol was going to be confiscated.

Middle East.
A conservative magazine reported of a heated discussion over the Middle East situation between president Bush and secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Apparently Bush suggested to separate Rice of this conflict and put Howie Mandel in charge to see if he could finally reach a deal.

In a TV interview, the Iranian president said that this the era of thoughts, dialogue and cultural exchanges, not bombs... that is why he got rid of them by selling them to Hezbollah.

In other News
A recent study concluded that one extra can of soda a day can cause you to put on 15 pounds in a single year. Especially if you drink it with your daily 5 double cheeseburgers

The government in Switzerland is offering free sexual services to handicapped people. After hearing the news Charlie Sheen applied for a Swiss citizenship and started limping.

According to the Washington Post 30 percent of Americans don’t know in what year the September 11 attack occurred. Most of them believe it happened every time we got close to election time.

August 9th 2006

Bush’s Vacation
President Bush said he was frustrated for the late night jokes about his short reading list for his 10 day vacation. Bush said he doesn’t have time for books while on vacation and he has only taken three books to have something to read to the kids in case of another terrorist attack.

With Bush on vacation, Cindy Sheehan resumed her Iraq War Protest Near the president’s Ranch. Doctors advised her to take it easy, because if she is going to protest every time Bush is on vacation she will have a pretty busy year.

President Bush is heading to his Texas ranch for a 10-day vacation. Bush loves to spend his vacation in the ranch because this is the only time of the year he can run a house.

Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan says she wants to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton to entertain the American troops. So far the main act features a vodka drinking contest with Hilary.

Lindsay Lohan says she wants to go to Iraq with Hillary Clinton to entertain the American troops even though the Senator told her it could be too dangerous. Apparently Lindsay is not too worried about it because she knows a lot about being “bombed” and how to handle the “shots.”

Cure of Baldness
Scientists might have bumped into the cure of baldness when with the use of stem cell they grew hair in dead rats. Apparently in the future, bald people won’t have to wear wigs that look like dead squirrels, the wigs will now look like dead rats.

Military Theme Park
The U.S. Army in Fort Belvoir, Virginia is planning to build a military themed park. So far the only problem they’ve had was recruiting workers.

Lieberman
Lieberman After the loss in the primary elections in the Democratic Party, Senator Joseph Lieberman said he is considering CUTTING ties with the Democrats and RUNNING as an independent. Is that the famous CUT and RUN that Republicans talk so much about?

Conjoined
A pair of 4-year-old conjoined-twin girls has been separated after undergoing 16 hours of surgery in Utah. Their parents said the separation meant a better future for the girls because by the time they go to college they will be able to carpool and save lots of money in gas.

August 8th 2006

Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson will enter a rehab center to recover of his alcohol addiction. The actor said he is sorry for his anti-Semite remarks and he is committed to stick to his 12 goose step program.

Mel Gibson is trying to make amends with the Jewish community and promised to remake the Passion of The Christ. Apparently in the newest version Jesus is not crucified by the Jews and only gets 10 days of community service.

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise might become unemployed because the Hollywood studio that bankrolls Tom Cruise’s films is not backing any more of his movies until he agrees to a significant pay cut. According to Cruise’s friends, the actor will now be forced to show his daughter Suri to collect a more substantial government aid.

Cindy Sheehan
Cindy Sheehan marched again a mile and a half toward Bush's ranch. This time she claimed she wanted to see President Bush not to protest about the war but to return the Tupperware from Laura’s welcome cake.

Fidel Castro
Cuba's vice president Carlos Lage told reporters that Castro will reassume the presidency within weeks. He also said Castro’s health is fine and that the reason why he had to be hospitalized was because he choked on a pretzel.

Young Americans
A poll of Americans age 18 to 24 found Bush's approval rating was only 20 percent. Young Americans claim that with the huge deficit the only space they are going to be able to afford in the future will be in Myspace.

A poll of Americans age 18 to 24 found Bush's approval rating was only 20 percent. Most of the 20 % came from kids that used to get drunk with the twins......

Google
Google will warn anyone using the search engine who clicks on a link to a site identified as harmful for your computer. So far the only site that raises a flag for Google is yahoo.com.

KISS
KISS front-man Gene Simmons is said to be very frustrated because his band was excluded this year from the Hall of Fame. He said he is going to take actions immediately and release the no-inducted-KISS dolls for sale.

August 7th 2006

Bush
Socialite Paris Hilton admitted in an interview that she collects $500,000 in fees just to show up at parties and other events. That is coincidentally the same amount of money Republicans candidates are paying Bush not to show up to their events.

Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson is trying to make amends with the Jewish community and promised to remake the Passion of The Christ. Apparently in the newest version, Jesus is not crucified by the Jews and only gets 10 days of community service.

Reuters is being accused of doctoring pictures of the war in the Middle east adding smoke and some buildings to the photo of an Israeli air strike on Beirut. According to Reuters, they just tried to hide inflammatory images of Mel Gibson next to the Hezbollah’s rocket launchers.

Reuters
A Reuters photographer accused of doctoring pictures of buildings in Beirut after an Israeli Air Force attack was suspended for adding smoke and buildings to the photo. Apparently he immediately received an offer from the Bush administration to take pictures of Iraq.

August 4th 2006

Ford
Ford recalled 1.2 million trucks, sport-utility vehicles and vans. I mean, they recalled the times when they used to sell so many cars.

Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson’s lawyers are doing everything they can to avoid the release of Gibson’s videotape arrest. Apparently they don’t want anybody to see the sobriety test, not because he flunked it but because Mel did the walk and turn procedure with goose-steps and doing the Nazi salute.

It is so hot
It is so hot that even Republicans can’t wait to get to November.
It is so hot Democrats are not cut and running anymore just to avoid the sweat.
It is so hot president Bush went to a Library just for the air conditioning.

Rumsfeld
During a senate hearing, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said that the violence in Iraq tends to decline in winter. He went on to say that from now onwards the US military is going to base the Iraq's strategy on Punxsutawney Phil’s forecasts.

Senator Hillary Clinton excoriated Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld at a Senate hearing. Hillary’s heated, intense verbal attack on Rumsfeld helped to understand two things: Rumsfeld doesn’t know what he is doing and why Bill Clinton would do anything to avoid being home.

The gift of freedom
U.S. Representative Jo Bonner said the reason why the Bush administration didn’t succeed in Iraq was because the U.S. could not make Iraqis accept the gift of freedom. Perhaps if we had given that present wearing Santa outfits and arriving in sleds, instead of soldiers in military outfits, arriving in tanks, things would have gone a little different.

U.S. Representative Jo Bonner said the reason why the Bush administration didn’t succeed in Iraq was because the U.S. could not make Iraqis accept the gift of freedom. I don’t think my grandpa would have sent me to Abu Ghraib to be tortured every time I poked fun at the socks and underwear he got me for Christmas.

Ford recalled 1.2 million trucks, sport-utility vehicles and vans, I mean, they recalled the time they used to sell so many cars.

August 3rd 2006

Bush
This week Stockholm is holding the World Championship of Magic. The competition finishes this Saturday but the first place has already been awarded before they even started. It went to president Bush for making the surplus disappear.

Several senators at Capitol Hill are complaining because "unelected" people are using the senator-only elevator. President Bush apologized and promised to use the stairs next time.

President Bush gave his last daily briefing in the White House press room before it undergoes a nine-month renovation. Apparently the new press room will have bigger curtains so it would be easier for Tony Snow to hide the truth.

Mel Gibson
Los Angeles prosecutors brought misdemeanor charges against Mel Gibson for allegedly driving under the influence, having an elevated blood-alcohol level, having an open bottle of liquor and for suspicion of selling most of the Katusha rockets to Hezbolah.

Mel Gibson apologized for his anti-Semitic remarks and blamed the bottle of tequila he had in his car for his racist comments. In a written statement the actor said, "I am sorry; it was that darn wetback of Jose Cuervo that made me say those things."

Mel Gibson’s mug shot was finally released. Mel looks so good that the photographer was hired to shoot the next edition of Playboy.

Hezbollah
Hezbollah leaders are trying to win the PR battle against Israel. According to insiders, they are going to pull a Mel Gibson and drink tequila before they attack Israel so they can get forgiveness and comprehension from the American public.

Fidel Castro
Thousands gathered in the streets of Miami to celebrate the news that Fidel Castro might be terminally ill. Motorists waved Cuban flags from sunroofs while screaming "Cuba libre!” Even the Kennedys were there just because they thought people were giving away free drinks.

Cuban officials finally revealed the reason why Fidel Castro had to cede power in Cuba. He didn’t go to the hospital as they first informed. The Cuban leader went to the barber to shave his beard because he was embarrased he looked quite similar to recent Mel Gibson’s pictures.

Thousands gathered in a street of Miami to celebrate the news that Fidel Castro might be terminally ill because so far they have not seen a picture of the communist leader. Not everybody was happy, a group of reporters were quite sad and protesting across the street because they have also not yet seen a picture... of Tom Cruise’s daughter.

Fidel Castro
Thousands of people streamed into the streets of Miami, dancing and cheering to celebrate the news that Fidel Castro might be terminally ill. Those people were mostly Major league baseball managers who can’t wait to sign new Cuban players.

Millions of Cubans in La Havana waited in line near the place where Fidel Castro has been hospitalized, not to show their love for the communist leader, but rather to get their monthly roll of toilet paper.

Cuban President Fidel Castro is recovering from surgery to stop intestinal bleeding. The cause: years and years of wiping his behind with banana leaves.

Landis
Floyd Landis’ fans said the media is being too hard on the athlete; after all he promised a cup of the Tour of France and he brought one. Unfortunately they are talking about the cup where he had to urinate for the drug test.

Bush
President Bush underwent a physical and was told he gained some pounds. Bush said not to worry because he will sweat them off trying to pronounce the name of the Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah.

President Bush almost fell to the floor while walking off Air Force One. Tony Snow denied rumors that the president was drunk and said Bush just wanted to see where his approval ratings were at.

President Bush finally clarified the G8 Summit incident in which he talked to Tony Blair with his mouth full. According to Bush he was just showing the British Prime Minister the advantage of good dental care.

Mel Gibson
ABC said on Tuesday that it has pulled a miniseries about the Holocaust it was developing with Mel Gibson's production company. When question about it, Mel showed some concern and said America is missing one of the funniest comedies ever.

(Warning) It is so hot in California; Mel Gibson turned the oven on only to cook.

Invisible
A scientist in Scotland says it won't be long before humans can achieve invisibility. Nicole Richie is working hard on it.

Fidel
Thousands of people streamed into the streets of Miami , dancing and cheering to celebrate the news that Fidel Castro might be terminally ill. Those people were mostly Major league baseball managers who can’t wait to sign new Cuban players.

August 1st 2006

Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson’s publicist announced actor Mel Gibson has entered re-hab to help cure his drinking problem.
Apparently the reason why Gibson had agreed to go to re-hab was a mistake because instead of going to AA meetings he had understood SS meetings.

Everybody was shocked when truth about Mel Gibson’s arrest for DUI was let known by the media. Not so much for Gibson’s anti Semitic remarks but rather the fact he was driving a Japanese car instead of the superior German engineering of a Wolswagen or Mercedez Benz.

Morning After Pill
The government says it will consider allowing over the counter sales of a morning after pill. Political analysts don’t see this as a clear defeat of conservative values, because the price is probably going to be so high, that by the time we get to Canada to buy a cheaper version, the kid is going to be already born and with a moustache.

Hezbollah
According to reporters covering the conflict in the Middle East, the hundred of Hezbollah rockets launched against Israel have caused little damage. Hezbollah leaders are considering asking Iran and Syria for a refund.

Cease-fire
Everybody in the White House was surprised and hopeful when they heard President Bush yesterday asking for an immediate cease-fire. Unfortunately when he said they should call the firefighters, they realized he was not talking about the Middle East but an omelet gone wrong.

Tour de France
Floyd Landis, Tour de France winner, arrived in the US after he was stripped off his title for high levels of testosterone. Thousand of women cheered his arrival together with Lance Bass and Ryan Seacrest.