February 28th 2007

Stocks Fall
Hundreds of thousands of people all over the world left home today without underwear, not to show support for Britney Spears, but just because they lost everything they owned in the market yesterday.

After stock markets plunged all over the world, lots of Companies lost hundreds of millions of dollars in only one day. Several CEO’s called Paul McCartney to see how to deal with the pain.

The Dow Jones lost more than 400 points in trading Tuesday. It got so bad that Wal-Mart had to call the INS on some of its employees to downsize.

Stocks analysts said that the market plunge in most of the markets around the world happened for what is known as the "Domino Effect." Unfortunately all the dominos, like everything else in the world lately, were made in China.

Anna Nicole

Judge Larry Seidlin said he would have found who the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby was if attorneys accepted his suggestion. Apparently the Florida Judge offered to copy the old King Salomon’s solution and cut the baby in 200 parts.

After his participation in the Anna Nicole Smith’s case, Florida Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin got several job offers to consider. Fox and CBS both offered a TV deal, and some Democrats offered him the Libby trial so some people might find an excuse to follow it.

Benefits
A woman admitted she made her kids pretend to be mentally challenged for twenty years so she could get benefits. Police only disclosed her first name: Barbara…

Al Gore
Everybody in the media pointed out that Al Gore looked like a star at the Oscar ceremony, more than a star, he looked like the great bear constellation.

Al Gore’s spokesman said that before attacking the former Vice president on his home energy consumption, families and organizations should first determine their carbon footprint which in the case of Al Gore seems to be the size of "Sasquatch."

Illegal
National Democrats on Tuesday urged Republican Party chairman Mel Martinez to stop the independent College Republicans from holding "Catch an Illegal Immigrant" events around the country, especially because Democrats do not want to lose a single potential voter.

February 27th 2007

Al Gore
According to the Nashville Electric Service, Al Gore’s house consumes more electricity every month than the average American household uses in an entire year. Judging by Al Gore’s look nowadays, most of the energy in the house is probably spent in the use of the electric oven and the microwave.

Oscars
Viewers were disappointed to find out at the end of the Oscar ceremony that Forest Whitaker earned the best-actor Academy Award instead of old actor Peter O’ Toole. Members of the academy said that the Oscar was intended for Peter O’ Toole, but that he had died after the third hour of broadcast.

Forest Whitaker won best actor laurels Sunday for his role as brutal Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in "The Last King of Scotland." After the ceremony Dick Chenney was heard saying that anybody can play that role.

Cheney
A suicide bomber attacked the entrance to the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President. The Secret Service’s response wasn’t that efficient; when they heard the loud boom near Cheney instead of sending an ambulance they sent an emergency lawyer.

American Idol
Pictures of "American Idol" contestant Antonella Barba performing oral sex on a man have surfaced on the Internet. Former president Clinton released a statement making clear he has not started job interviews for the future presidency of Hilary.

Workers
A new study reports fewer than half of workers in America like their jobs. The worst part is that those are the illegal workers.

Iraq
The most prominent Sunni in Iraq said Monday that the United States is going to have to come up with a "Plan B" if the current crackdown fails to stem the violence in the capital. The Bush administration said they first need to come up with a plan A and then they might consider that suggestion.

Bush
According to a Gallup Poll, three of four Republicans in the country are hanging in there with the president, whereas 3 of 4 Democrats want to hang the president.

February 26th 2007

Oscars
Once again the Oscar ceremony gathered the biggest celebrities in Hollywood and also some well known politicians. There were quiet a few Democrats and Republican congressmen among the audience, doing what they do best: working as seat fillers.

Melissa Etheridge won an Oscar for best original song with "I Need to Wake Up". People felt identified with the song specially after watching 3 hours of the boring ceremony.

Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. The best support was exactly what she needed to be able to hold her boobs from exploding out of that tight dress.

Beaver
The first beaver in nearly 200 years has been spotted in New York City. Unfortunately for New Yorkers the beaver was spotted jumping on tables and climbing into food trays at a Taco Bell restaurant.

Britney
Britney Spears has been in rehab for almost 6 days already. It seems security has finally found a way to prevent the pop star from escaping again; they locked the door and hid the key inside her underwear drawer.

Prince Harry
Twenty-two-year-old Prince Harry of England is now preparing for deployment to Iraq. It seems that after we failed with the democratization of Iraq, we are going to try with a monarchy.

Education
Some U.S. schools are looking at extending their hours. Apparently with all the time the kids spend eating at the cafeteria and having affairs with their teachers the regular amount of hours is not enough anymore.

Anna Nicole
The paternity claims in the Anna Nicole Smith’s case will continue in a Bahamas court. What is certain though is that watching Anna Nicole’s mom’s looks on TV it is not strange that nobody is claiming to be the grandfather of Anna Nicole’s daughter.

February 25th 2007

Rats
TV stations showed a video of about a dozen rats running around a KFC-Taco Bell restaurant in Greenwich Village. The president of Taco bell blamed Democrats for what happened because their restaurants is the only place Congressmen can afford after the restriction on lobbyist’s meals.

Anna Nicole
Now that the Anna Nicole’s case is over in the Florida Court, the crazy judge, Larry Seidlin said he is considering some offers to continue his life in other work fields . Apparently he received an offer by Fox TV to become a TV judge and also an offer from NASA to join its space program.

Morticians said that time is of the essence in the burial of Anna Nicole Smith, especially because the essence from her body is getting stinkier.

Iran
The Bush administration said they will sanction Iran for its failure to respect a U.N. deadline to halt its uranium enrichment. A cruel Dick Cheney threatened with sending Nancy Grace instead of Dianne Sawyer for a future interview with the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Helen Thomas
After complaints heard all over the media about the decision of moving Helen Thomas out of the front row in the White House briefing room, authorities backpedaled and said they want to give the old journalist a chance to get the chair back. Apparently she’ll have to play musical chairs against the people of Fox News.

Dick Cheney
Dick Cheney says Britain's decision to withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq is actually a sign things are improving there. The Vice president added that we are sending troops to Iraq to thank the British soldiers for their help with a 20,000 gun salute.

February 23rd 2007

Britney
Britney Spears is once again back in rehab for the third time in a week. Apparently she has a punching card and after the ten visits she gets a discount.

British troops
In the last couple of nights, American Idol contestants fired back every time Simon Cowell made a rude comment about them. Apparently, since Britain decided to withdraw the troops from Iraq, contestants don’t need to put up with the stupid limey anymore.

Find an Illegal
Only nine students signed up for the contest called "Find an Illegal" a game organized by the Republican club at New York University and no one actually won. If the Republican youth of New York university were unable to find an illegal, good luck finding Osama Bin Laden.

Almost nobody signed to play a game organized by the Republican club at New York University called "find an illegal." Apparently the organizers of the game were forced to drive to the nearest Home Depot to recruit some contestants.

Anna Nicole
Morticians advised the judge in the Anna Nicole Smith’s case to hurry up and bury Anna’s body because it has shown signs of decomposing. They believe that soon it’ll be difficult to tell James Brown’s body from Anna Nicole’s.

Judge Larry Seidlin, the judge in the Anna Nicole’s case made his decision yesterday and gave custody of Anna's remains to her five-month-old daughter, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern. The little baby said that if she has any problems she can always ask Britney Spears' sons for help.

February 22nd 2007

Hi there, there are few things that made today a really good day.... Manu Ginobili scored 40 points for the San Antonio Spurs (he scored 40 yesterday) I was on the air in the Bob Rivers Show and Newsday published one of my jokes (Thanks Ken, you rock!)
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5103876feb22,0,6468466.story
If you want to continue making this day a really good one for me, just enjoy the jokes.......

British Troops
Vice president Dick Cheney said Wednesday that Britain's decision to withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq is a positive sign that fits with the overall strategy for stabilizing Iraq. He cut short the press conference because he said he had a breakfast meeting consisting of coffee, orange juice and "Freedom Muffins."

The British announced they are pulling 1,600 troops from Iraq. Apparently the soldiers will be deployed to America to protect Simon Cowell from crazy Paula Abdul and some of the distraught American Idol Contestants.

Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced plans to remove 1,500 British soldiers from Iraq by the end of the year. Some Republican congressmen want now to pass a law making Spanish the official language in America.

Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced plans to remove 1,500 British soldiers from Iraq by the end of the year. Country stations all over the country are inviting their listeners to burn Beatles’ albums.

Heather Mills
Heather Mills will be joining the cast of "Dancing with the Stars". The news created excitement among TV viewers who cannot wait to see her dancing the LIMB-o Dance.......

Britney Spears
The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services is receiving numerous calls from people in the tabloid-reading public who are concerned about Britney Spears’ kids. Apparently the 2 babies have been car racing along Sunset Boulevard.

Find the Illegal
The Republican club at New York University will take part in a game called "Find the Illegal Immigrant" which according to Republican students it’s a much easier game than finding Osama Bin Laden.

Republican Students at New York University are planning a game involving hunting an illegal on campus. Apparently it is part of the curriculum for "Vice President 101."

Psychic
Psychic Ulf Buck says he can read people's futures by feeling their buttocks. I can see my future by feeling somebody else’s buttocks: jail!

Ferbuary 21st 2007

Obama
Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Ben Stiller, and Eddie Murphy, among other actors, attended a Beverly Hills fundraiser for US presidential hopeful Barack Obama . Political analysts believe Obama will do really well among the Hollywood crowd because being half-black half -white gives anybody a chance to play him in a future movie.

Gasoline Price
The average price of gasoline bounced up 5.5 cents in the past week, marking the third consecutive week of price increases. Now even crazy astronauts will be forced to drive a hybrid when attempting to kill a romantic rival.

A company is selling a new brand of bottled water that costs 75$. It is called "Chevron spring water."

Britney
According to People magazine Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility. Unfortunately for Britney, her shaved head makes her look like a young boy and she might have to share the showers with former congressman Mark Foley.

According to People magazine Britney Spears has checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility for the second time in the past 3 days. Doctors didn’t believe Britney’s lame excuses: first she claimed she had left the rehab center because she needed to take care of her kids, and now she said she returned because she forgot her underwear.

Al-Qaeda
According to the American media al-Qaeda is regrouping and building new training camps in the tribal areas of Pakistan. Judging by the videos shown in all the news cable shows, it seems al-Qaeda saved enough money to buy new monkey bars.

Anna Nicole
In a Pew survey 61 percent of Americans say the Anna Nicole Smith saga is being over covered, the other 39 percent were too busy to answer because their asses were glued to the TV set watching Nancy Grace covering Anna Nicole’s case.

Ferbuary 21st 2007

Obama
Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Ben Stiller, and Eddie Murphy, among other actors, attended a Beverly Hills fundraiser for US presidential hopeful Barack Obama . Political analysts believe Obama will do really well among the Hollywood crowd because being half-black gives anybody a chance to play him in a future movie.

Gasoline Price
The average price of gasoline bounced up 5.5 cents in the past week, marking the third consecutive week of price increases. Now even crazy astronauts will be forced to drive a hybrid when attempting to kill a romantic rival.

A company is selling a new brand of bottled water that costs 75$. It is called "Chevron spring water."

Britney
According to People magazine Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility. Unfortunately for Britney, her shaved head makes her look like a young boy and she might have to share the showers with former congressman Mark Foley.

According to People magazine Britney Spears has checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility for the second time in the past 3 days. Doctors didn’t believe Britney’s lame excuses: first she claimed she had left the rehab center because she needed to take care of her kids, and now she said she returned because she forgot her underwear.

Al-Qaeda
According to the American media al-Qaeda is regrouping and building new training camps in the tribal areas of Pakistan. Judging by the videos shown in all the news cable shows, it seems al-Qaeda saved enough money to buy new monkey bars.

Anna Nicole
In a Pew survey 61 percent of Americans say the Anna Nicole Smith saga is being over covered, the other 39 percent were too busy to answer because their asses were glued to the TV set watching Nancy Grace covering Anna Nicole’s case.

February 20th 2007

Britney
According to some Hollywood reporters, after Britney Spears shaved her head, she was spotted in a club wearing a short blonde wig. Reporters confirmed later it wasn’t Spears the one wearing the wig, but actually one of her sons who was too embarrassed of being spotted next to his mom.

Anna Nicole
Now that enough DNA samples have been taken, Anna Nicole’s Smith body has been embalmed. Apparently the court used the same people who take care of Mick Jagger’s body.

The battle over Anna Nicole Smith’s continues. The issue has reached the political establishment, and now the Democratic Party wants to pass a non-binding resolution to avoid an attorney’s surge.

Jet-Blue
Some Wall Street analysts foresee a dark future for Jet-blue airlines, after the cancellation of hundreds of flights due to weather conditions. There’s some hope for Jet-Blue though, FEMA wants to hire the company to deliver help in case of a disaster.

Heart Association
The American Heart Association issued new guidelines saying women should consider taking a daily aspirin to prevent heart attacks. These guidelines made a lot of men happy, not so much because they care about their women’s heart condition, but rather because women won’t be able to say they have a headache anymore.

Bush
Majority Leader Harry Reid told CNN's "Late Edition that the war in Iraq is the worst foreign policy mistake in the history of this country. President Bush was really upset about those comments and promised that he’ll outdo himself by attacking Iran.

In a new poll, 58% of Americans said they wished the Bush presidency was already over; ironically the poll was conducted among George W Bush’s family members.

February 19th 2007

Bush
President Bush had two moles removed from his left temple last Thursday. The president was very satisfied with the operation and said he hopes it will stop the leaking in the White House.

Phones
A company has designed a mobile phone for people over 65. It is expected that scooter accidents will increase 500%.

A company has designed a mobile phone for people over 65. If the number of accidents caused by old people driving was huge, can you imagine now that they will be on the phone?

Back up
Authorities in Pennsylvania were surprised that despite improvements on the weather, the 50-mile back up on Interstate 78 didn't clear. They later discovered it was just a long line of men claiming to be Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father.

A 50-mile back up on Interstate 78 in Pennsylvania forced the National Guard troops in Humvees to deliver food, and baby supplies to stranded crazyastronauts.

Father
Bridget Moynahan is pregnant and says New England Patriots quarterback TomBrady is the father. Hollywood reporters were really shocked by the news,not because Moynahan's three-year relationship with Tom Brady had ended late last year, but rather because laletly in Hollywood it is news to know who the father is.

Bridget Moynahan is pregnant and says New England Patriots quarterback TomBrady is the father. Prince Frederic von Anhalt, Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband,has filed legal documents seeking a D-N-A test, though.

IBM
A man who was fired by IBM for visiting an adult chat room at work is suing the company for $5 million, claiming he is an Internet addict who deserves treatment and sympathy rather than dismissal. "I wished I had thought of that" said Mark Foley.

NBA All Star
The NBA All-Star game is in Las Vegas. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, in this case more than 200 pregnancies.

February 18th 2007

Fox
Fox News will air a new TV show called "The 1/2 Hour News Hour," which is Fox's so-called response to the liberal-leaning "Daily Show" with John Stewart. From now onwards Fox News will only be funny 23 hours and 30 minutes.

One of the producers of the megahit TV show "24" is working on a new show called "The 1/2 Hour News Hour," which is Fox's so-called response to the liberal-leaning "Daily Show" with John Stewart. Critics who got to see the new show believe it keeps the essence of 24, mostly the torture part.

Anna Nicole
Dr. Sandeep Kapoor the guy who allegedly supplied Anna Nicole Smith with methadone and other drugs is now being investigated by the California Medical Board for possible misconduct. He is also getting lots of phone calls from Rush Limbaugh and tons of Hollywood celebrities.

After the Anna Nicole Smith ‘s death , Trimspa , the weight loss supplements company decided to change its slogan to " Trimspa and let the worms eat the fat out of you"

Kenny Chesney
During an interview with CNN host Anderson Cooper, country singer Kenny Chesney said he is not gay. It was a sad night for Anderson Cooper that didn’t have enough time to get another date to go to the "Fashion Week" in New York.

Britney (sorry but I have to)
Britney Spears shaved her head at a Los Angeles hair salon. Well at least now the carpet matches the drapes!

February 16th 2007

Jetblue
Because of a huge storm passengers of the airline Jetblue were trapped on the runway for a very long time. It was such a long time that actor Ralph Fiennes joined the mile-high club with a flight attendant and she gave birth right there.

Because of a huge storm passengers of the airline Jetblue were trapped inside the planes in some cases for more than 10 hours. Passengers of Jetblue had no food, no drinks, no toilet paper in the bathrooms, and those were the planes that got to take off!

Tim Hardaway
The NBA has shown the door to former NBA player Tim Hardaway for his bigoted comments against gay people. Hardaway refused to use the backdoor, though.

February 15th 2007

Paula Abdul
"American Idol" executive producer Nigel Lythgoe admitted that producers are editing out parts of the show in which Paula Abdul sounds drunk and incoherent. The producers were immediately contacted by the White House to edit future Bush's speeches.

Bush
During a White House press conference, President Bush acknowledged that it's hard for him living in the beautiful White House to give you an assessment of what’s really goes on in Iraq, especially because in the White House they only watch Fox News.

Viagra
Despite rumors to the contrary, Viagra will not be distributed over the counter in England, not on Valentine's Day, nor on any other day. The news came down hard on some Brits… Well, not that hard.

Libby Trial
Scooter Libby’s attorneys were quite confident their new strategy will help their client. They are now saying that actually the first one to tell his client about Plame was Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole
The judge in the Anna Nicole case determined that her body can be release and there will be a hearing to determine who gets it. If they don’t hurry up the worms will.

Hardaway
During a radio interview Retired Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway said Wednesday that he hates gay people, but later said he regretted the remarks.. Apparently he is heading to the same rehab center than Grey’s Anatomy actor, Isaac Washington, but with one question on his mind: who is going to be top or bottom in the bunk beds.

Dancing with the Stars (let’s get them out of the way...)
People magazine reported that Heather Mills could be part of the next "Dancing with the Stars". Well nobody will accuse her of having two left feet.

People magazine reported that Heather Mills could be part of the next "Dancing with the Stars". I think it will sound quite awkward when people tell her before her performance "break a leg."

People magazine reported that Heather Mills could be part of the next "Dancing with the Stars." She did not believe it at first; she thought they were pulling her leg.

Affleck
In an interview actor Ben Affleck admitted he had a colonic and it was a very painful experience. He finally felt what we all feel when watching his movies.

February 14th 2007

Iraq War Debate
Democrats and Republicans are vying for the most desired slots in the televised Iraq war debate. Lawmakers from the West Coast do not want to speak early in the morning because they know that if people have to choose they rather see the boobs of Girls Gone Wild Commercials than the boobs in congress.

Army Recruits
The number of waivers granted to Army recruits with criminal backgrounds has grown about 65 percent in the last three years. Apparently the Army has the same recruiters as "American Idol".

The number of waivers granted to Army recruits with criminal backgrounds has grown about 65 percent in the last three years. It seems congressmen have no more excuses to not join the army anymore.

Mexico
Mexican President Felipe Calderon's government wants to decriminalize first-time possession of small amounts of drugs. Apparently they expect to get high enough to cross the border flying.

Mexican President Felipe Calderon's government wants to decriminalize first-time possession of small amounts of drugs. According to American travel agencies Spring break has turned into Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter break.

Credit Card
Bank of America is offering a new credit card for illegal immigrants. It's reportedly the only card that allows you to earn frequent flyer miles to send you back to Mexico.

Helen Thomas
Helen Thomas, long-time Presidential correspondent, may be about to lose her front row seat in the Press Briefing Room. Apparently, to make the briefings more interesting Tony Snow wanted to copy Jay Leno and have only hot young women on the first row.

February 13th 2007

Bush
According to "rasmussenreports.com" president Bush experienced a big bump on his approval ratings with forty-one percent of Americans approving of the way that Bush is performing his role as President. In a written statement the president thanked those who made that possible: the crazy astronaut and Anna Nicole Smith.

During a TV interview Laura Bush confided that when it comes to Valentine's Day President Bush is "not very good" at remembering the date. That is probably the only quality Bush inherited from former president Reagan: Alzheimer.

North Korea Deal
North Korea has tentatively agreed to close down its nuclear weapons program in exchange for energy aid. During a press conference a happy president Bush said that we are sending Gatorade as soon as possible.

Viagra
Tomorrow, a British pharmacy chain will begin selling Viagra over the counter. To avoid abuse from the public, British doctors are going to put the Viagra bottles next to the toothpaste.

Debate
The US Congress will start today a major debate on the Iraq war. The debate will be televised so each congressman will be allotted only 5 minutes to defend their position because C-Span needs to continue with its Anna Nicole Smith’s death coverage.

Smoke
After Barak Obama announced he will quit smoking, several candidates felt obliged to discuss their smoking habits. Hillary Clinton said people should not be concerned about her health because she only smokes a cigarette after having sex.

Nap Research
New research shows that taking a short nap every afternoon at work helps reduce the risk for heart disease. Unless the one that takes the nap is a bus driver and you happen to be a pedestrian crossing the street.

New research shows that taking a short nap every afternoon at work helps reduce the risk for heart disease. Right after the research was known a huge line of people stood next to Dick Cheney's office banging pots and pans.

February 12th 2007

Numerous
This past week, Rudy Giulianni and Barack Obama announced their presidential candidacy making the number of candidates almost as big as the number of people that claim to be Ana Nicole Smith’s baby’s father.

More and more people are claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. So far nobody has shown up claiming the paternity of Smith’s implants, though.

Taxes
Chicago is considering a tax on all bullets bought in the city. It is a genius way for the IRS to continuously get money, as criminals will have to buy more bullets to commit more crimes to pay the taxes on the bullets they bought on the first place

Genius
According to a team from Princeton University, missing out on sleep may cause the brain to stop producing new cells, making Kevin Federlain a sort of Einstein.

Heavy Snow
Heavy snow continues to fall in New York; the snow is so deep now that you can barely see the eyes of the rats on the streets.

World Dominance
Russian President Vladimir Putin accused Washington on Saturday of attempting to force its will on the world. Don’t we have to be able first to force our will in Iraq?

Iran
U.S. officials say they believe that Iran is supplying Shiite militias with new weapons. Hopefully Iran will continue doing that so when we invade them they won’t have weapons to defend themselves.

Debate
Three days of intense debate over the Iraq war begins in the House today with members trying to make the most of the five minutes each will be allotted. Apparently Republicans will be warned their 5 minutes are up with music of the Dixie Chicks.

February 11th 2007

Fattest City
According to "Men’s Fitness" magazine, Las Vegas has been named the fattest city in the United States. Apparently what happens in Vegas stays in your ass.

Crazy
NASA vowed Wednesday to do a better job of screening astronauts for mental distress after Lisa Nowak’s scandal.No words from the White House yet.

Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi and the department of Defense got involved into a verbal joust about the size of the plane Pelosi wanted to use to travel. Apparently the controversy didn’t start when The Pentagon couldn’t guarantee a bigger plane , but rather when they suggested Pelosi could always fly on her broom.

Hybrids
In Arizona, three models of small hybrid cars will be permitted to use car pool lanes on area freeways. Apparently this is not a state effort to clear the air; the governor realized that is difficult to find companion when you are an annoying pompous smug.

Autopsy
Investigators in charge of Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy said that it’ll take up to six months to determine what kind of drugs was she taking before her death. In order to save time they decided to ask Paula Abdul what kind of drugs she is taking right now.

February 8th 2007

I wanted to thank Mr Ken Rasak for publishing one of my jokes in Newsday, it really made my day. Thanks
http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-oppun5084609feb08,0,631167.story

Barack Obama
Sen. Barack Obama said he will try to quit smoking. Republicans immediately claimed that Obama is doing it because he doesn’t want to get tired when he cuts and runs.

Sen. Barack Obama said he will try to quit smoking. Republicans immediately accused him of being a quitter.

A Chicago Bears’ fan bet on the Bears in the Super Bowl and lost so now he has to change his name to Payton Manning. Barack Obama stated he is betting his middle name “Hussein” on the Oakland Raiders for the next season.

Ted Haggard
Pastor Ted Haggard said he's straight Monday after three weeks of therapy, thus he will continue eating Snickers candy bars

Iran
An Iranian commander stated their latest weapon could sink "big warships" in the Gulf, the Sea of Oman and the northern Indian Ocean. Apparently they developed lots of cruise ships’ food.

Hillary
Fashion designer Donatella Versace said Hillary Clinton should tap into her feminine and drop her pants. That’s exactly what Bill has been telling Hillary for a long time.
Ted Haggard was going to comment on Hillary’s fashion but he rememberd he is not gay anymore

February 7th 2007

Crawford
Crawford gift shop owners claim they are not selling as many Bush souvenirs as they used to because Bush did not visit his ranch in 2006 as often as he used to. This proves that when Bush is on vacation the economy improves.

KKK Comeback
A new report shows that the Ku Klux Klan is enjoying a resurgence because of growing concerns about illegal immigration. They claimed they are going to be more lenient with Latinos though, because now that they have more members they are going to need someone to wash their sheets.

Tim Russert
NBC reporter Tim Russert will testify in front of the grand jury on the Scooter Libby trial. He said he was very nervous about it, not so much for the Libby case, but rather because this is the first time he is going to have such a big audience.

Couple
Yesterday at Mantua, archaeologists revealed the discovery of a couple locked in a tender embrace, one that has endured for more than 5,000 years. I guess the woman will never complain again he didn’t cuddle her long enough after sex.

Ted Haggard
One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." Haggard claims the proof is that he walked by Isaac Washington and the actor did not insult him.

Budget
President Bush is ready to defend his 2.9 trillion budget plan to a new Democratic Congress who claimed the budget is more than what Bush had anticipated. According to the White House, Bush unintentionally dropped 2 zeros like he did before with the letters I and C in Democrat Party.

February 6th 2007

Non- Binding
Democrats said they will continue pushing to get support in the Senate for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's decision to send additional troops to Iraq. It’ll be hard to get the numbers as for most people in the senate a non-binding resolution is like having a discussion with their wives, useless....

Casino Baby
A woman playing slots at an Atlantic City, N.J., casino gave birth to a baby boy on the casino floor. Unfortunately for the woman, it took a while for her to get any help as everybody started betting on who the father of the baby was.

Ted Haggard
One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." Apparently Haggard had a new massage with a male masseuse and this time "it" didn’t move.

Dance Revolution
West Virginia is using the video game "Dance Dance Revolution" to help kids lose weight in school. Apparently "Dance Dance Revolution" helps kids want to exercise and tone their bodies by making them gay.

Candidates
More and more candidates are running for president in 08 and the campaigns are lasting longer than in any other presidential race. More than a “Presidential Race” it looks like a “Presidential Marathon”.

February 5th 2007

Bomb Scare
Turner Broadcasting Systems and Interference Inc. have agreed to pay $2 million for a Cartoon Network advertising campaign that caused a widespread bomb scare, the attorney general said Monday. NBC is preoccupied, if they have to pay everytime one its shows is consider a bomb , they’ll file for bankrupcy today.

Last week a marketing scheme to promote a cartoon for the Cartoon Network led to a bomb scare in Boston causing serious traffic problems, negatively affecting local businesses. After the disruption dissipated Dick Cheney was mad and proposed to send the Teletubbies to GITMO.

A letter bomb exploded at the headquarters of the company which administers the London traffic congestion tol. People in Boston suspect Sponge Bob Square Pants could be behind it.

Bush
President Bush on Monday unveiled a $2.9 trillion spending plan that devotes billions more to fighting the war in Iraq. According to the White House a couple of millions will go to the soldiers and the rest to run a couple of ads in the next Super Bowl.

NFL
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Friday that London will host an NFL game this fall at Wembley Stadium. I’d pay to see some of players jumping into the stands to celebrate a touchdown to realize all of a sudden that Hooligans are not that friendly as fans in America

February 4th 2007

Big Baby
A woman in Cancun gave birth this week to a 14.5 pound baby boy. Everything went fine until the doctor wanted to slap the baby to make him cry and the baby beat the heck out of him.

A woman in Cancun gave birth this week to a 14.5 pound baby boy. Apparently Britney’s babies put a request to hire the giant Mexican baby as their bodyguard.

Discrimination
The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission said Thursday that in 2006 there were 340 more discriminations complaints than in 2005. Apparently all of them came from the Senator Jon Biden’s office.

San Francisco
The San Francisco mayor admitted he had an affair with his campaign manager’s wife. San Francisco voters were totally sad and disappointed when they find out that their mayor was heterosexual.

Google
US President George W. Bush is no longer Google's top response to Internet searches for "miserable failure." Google’s engineers said they finally fixed the problem and from now onwards the top response for "miserable failure" would be the usual porn. Ironically, you would still get Bush.

January 1st 2007

Joe Biden
Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden referred to Barack Obama as "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy". Bidden added that Obama is such a fine black man that he could even heckle Michael Richards in a comedy club and get a smile back from the comedian.

Democratic presidential hopeful Joe Biden said during an interview that Hillary Clinton’s position is calibrated and confusing. Hillary's position is calibrated and confusing? no wonder Bill cheated on her.

Iraq Aid
Tens of millions of U.S. dollars have been wasted in Iraq reconstruction aid, some of it on an Olympic-size swimming pool ordered up by Iraqi officials, investigators say. President Bush apologized and said that actually the pool was meant to be built for the victims of Katrina.

Britney Spears
A woman, who was repeatedly told she needed to lose weight, soon discovered why years of dieting simply didn't work; she was carrying around a 93 pound tumor that was removed recently. Apparently Britney got rid of it when she divorced K-Fed.

K-Fed recently turned down an offer of $25 million to disappear from Britney’s life and the lives of their two kids. Federline said he won’t give up his boys for $25 millions because he knows he can get a lot more for them in the celebrity adoption market.

Britney Spears is selling the mansion she shared with estranged husband Kevin Federline for 13-point-five-million-dollars, twice the amount Spears paid for the pad in 2004. Britney said she would wave off a million if you happened to find one of her babies that she lost in the house a while ago.

Dogs
In Cyprus, dogs now have their very own exclusive beach. Unfortunately they continue pooping in ours.

Poker
A Russian man lost his wife in a game of poker after putting her up as a bet instead of cash. Apparently he was dealt a royal flush and suspiciously folded to a pair of 5’s.

Libby Trial
The press secretary Tony Snow said President Bush is not following the Libby Trial. According to the president he did miss a few episodes of Judge Judy.